Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet.

Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet.

Table of contents

Title page

TO THE TRVLY Loyall hearted, learned, wellaccomplished Gentleman, Mr. Archibald Rankin.

IOHN GARRETS GHOST.

VVit and Mirth.

(1)

(2)

(3)

(4)

(5)

(6)

(7)

(8)

(9)

(10)

(11)

(12)

(13)

(14)

(15)

(16)

(17)

(18)

(19)

(20) A Quiblet.

(21)

(22)

(23)

(24)

(25)

(26)

(27)

(28)

(29)

(30) A Quiblet.

(31)

(32)

(33

(34

(35)

(36)

(37)

(38)

(39)

(40)

(41)

(42)

(43)

(44) The figure Conuersion.

(45)

(46)

(47)

(48)

(49)

(50)

(51)

(52)

(53)

(54)

(55)

(56)

(57

(58)

(59)

(60)

(61)

(62)

(63)

(64)

(65)

(66)

(67)

(68)

(69)

(70)

(71)

(72

(73)

(74)

(75)

(76)

(77)

(78)

(79)

(80)

(81)

(82)

(83)

(84)

(85)

(86)

(87)

(88)

(90)

(91)

(92)

(93)

(94)

(95)

(96)

(97)

(98)

(99) A Clinch.

(100)

(101) A toy to mocke an Ape.

(103)

(104)

(105)

(106)

(107

(108)

(109)

(110)

(111

(112(

(113)

§

§

[Page]

[Page]

Wit and Mirth,

Chargeably collected out of Tauernes, Ordinaries, Innes, Bowling Greenes, and Allyes, Alehouses, Tobacco shops, Highwaies, and Water-passages.

Made vp, and fashioned into Clinches, Bulls, Quirkes, Yerkes, Quips, and Ierkes.

Apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets Ghost.

By Iohn Taylor, Water-Poet.

Printed at London for Henrie Gosson, and are to be sold at Christ-Church gate.

1628.

TO THE TRVLY Loyall hearted, learned, wellaccomplished Gentleman, Mr. Archibald Rankin.

[Page]

[Page]

SIR,

BEeing inioyned by the Ghost or Genius of old Iohn Garret, (a man well known and beloued) to collect, gleane, or gather, a bundle or trusse of Mirth, and for his sake to bestrow the stage of the melancholly world with it; and withall to present it to some one generous spirit, who was old Iohns friend; I thought vpon many to whom I might haue made my Dedication, who were both Royall, Honorable, Worshipfull, and all welaffected towards him: As to mention [Page] one for all, that [...] of the world, & richest Iem of her sex, that Magazine of the two inestimable Iewels, Patience and Fortitude; to that illustrious peerelesse Princesse I might haue recommended it, to whose seruice, and for whose happinesse, his life and best endeauours, with his prayers and implorations at his death, were vnfainedly consecrated. But my manners conceiuing the subiect of this Booke, of altogether to triuiall a nature to be sheltred vnder the shadow of the wings of transcendent and admired Maiestie; I stept so many steps down the staires with my inuention, where by good fortune I met with you, whom I knew did loue that old honest mirrour of mirth, deceased; and whom the world better knows, are a true deuoted friend to honest harmelesse mirth; and laudable recreation.

I therefore entreat you, that (when [Page] your more serious affaires will permit) you would bestow the looking vpon these my poore and beggarly wardrobe of witty lefts, whom I dare not call Apothegmes.

And because I had many of them by relation and heare-say, I am in doubt that some of them may bee in print in some other Authors, which I doe assure you is more then I doe know; which if it bee so, I pray you but to conniue or tollerate, and let the Authors make twice as bold with me at any time.

Thus wishing euery one to mende one, whereby the rent and torne garments of Threed-bare Time may be well and merrily patched and repaired, crauing your pardon, with my best wishes, I remaine

Yours euer in the best of my best [...].

IOHN TAYLOR.

IOHN GARRETS GHOST.

[Page]

[Page]

THE doores and windowes of the Heauens were barr'd,

And Nights blacke Curtaine, like an Ebon Robe,

From Earth did all Celestiall light discard,

And in sad darknesse clad the ample Globe;

Dead midnight came, the Cats'gan catterwaule,

The time when Ghosts and Goblins walke about;

Bats flye, Owles shrick, & dismall Dogs do bawle,

Whiles conscience cleare securely sleepes it out.

At such a time I sleeping in my bed,

A vision strange appear'd vnto my sight,

Amazement all my senses ouer spread,

And fill'd me full with terrour and afright.

A merry graue aspect me thought he had,

And one he seem'd that I had often seene:

Yet was he in such vncouth shape y clad,

That what he was I could not wistly weene.

His cloake was Sack, but not the Sacke of [...],

Canara, Mallago, or sprightfull Shery,

But made of Sack-cloth, such as beares the graine,

[Page]Good salt, & coles, which makes the Potters weary

Lac'd round about with platted wheaten straw,

For which he nothing to the Silkeman owed:

A wearing neuer mention'd in the Law,

And yet far off, like good gold lace it show'd.

Lin'd was his mantle with good Essex plush,

Pyde Calues skins, or Veale sattin, which you wil:

It neuer was worne threedbare with a brush,

I (naturally) sau'd the labour still.

A hat like Grantham steeple, for the crowne

Or Piramide was large in altitude:

With frugall brim, whereby he still was knowne

From other men amongst a multitude,

A Princes shooe, he for a iewel wore,

Two ribbonds, and a feather in his beauer,

Which shape me thought I oft had seene before,

Yet out of knowledge where, as't had bin neuer.

He in his hand a flaming torch did hold,

(And as hee neerer did approach to me)

My hayre 'gan stand on end, feare struck me cold,

Feare not, I am Iohn Garrets ghost, quoth he.

I come to rowze thy dull and lazy Muse

From idlenesse, from Lethe's hatefull lake:

And therefore stand vpon no vaine excuse,

But rise, and to thy tooles thy selfe betake.

Remember me, althongh my carkasse rot,

Write of me, to me, call me Foole or Iester,

But yet I pray thee (Taylor) ranke me not,

[Page]Among those knaues that doe the world bepester,

Thou wrot'st of Great Otoole and Coriat,

Of braue Sir Thomas Parsons, Knight o'th Sun,

And Archy hath thy verse to glory at,

And yet for me thou nought hast euer done.

Write that in Ireland, I in Mars his trayne,

Long time did vnder noble Norris serue:

Where (as I could) I stood gainst Pope and Spain,

Whilst some were slain, & some wth want did starue

Where shot, & wounds, & knocks, I gaue and took

Vntill at last halfe maimed as I was,

A man decrepit, I those warres forsooke

And (with my Passe) did to my Country passe.

Where getting health, I then shooke hands with death,

And to the Court I often made resort.

Where Englands mighty Queene Elizabeth

Allow'd me entertainment for disport.

Then by the foretop did I take old time:

Then were not halfe so many fooles as now,

Then was my [...], and my onely prime,

My purse receiuing what my wit did plow.

Then in such compasse I my iests would hold,

That though I gaue a man a gird or twaine:

All his reuenge would be to giue me gold,

With commendations of my nimble braine.

Thus liu'd I till that gracious Queene deceast,

Who was succeeded by a famous King:

In whose blest Sons reigne (I with yeares opprest)

[Page]Me to my graue, sicknesse and death did bring.

And now (kind Iacke) thou seest my ayrie forme

Hath shaken off her Iayle of flesh and bone,

Whilst they remaine the feast of many a worme.

My better part doth visit thee alone.

And as betweene vs still, our good requests,

Thou neuer me. I neuer thee denyd:

So for my sake collect some merry Iests,

Whereby sad time may be with mirth [...].

And when tis written find some good man forth,

One (as thou thinkst) was when I liu'd my friend:

And though thy lines may be but little worth,

Yet vnto him my duty recommend,

So farewell [...], dame Luna 'gins to rise,

The twinkling stars begin to borrow light:

Remember this my suit I thee aduise,

And so once more good honest Iacke goodnight.

With that more swifter then a shaft from bow,

He cut and curried through the empty ayre,

Whilst I amaz'd with feare, as cold as snow,

Straight felt my spirits quickly to repayre.

And though I found it but a dreame indeed,

Yet for his sake of whom I dreamed then,

I left my bed, and cloath'd my selfe with speed,

And presently betooke me to my pen:

Cleare was the morne, and Phoebus lent me light,

And (as it followeth) I began to write.

VVit and Mirth.

[Page]

(1)

MY selfe caried an olde fellow by water, that had wealth enough to be Deputy of the Ward, and wit sufficient for a Scauenger; the water being somewhat rough, hee was much afraid, and (in stead of saying his prayers,) [...] threatned me, that if I did drowne him, he would spend a hundred pound, but hee would [...] me hanged for it; I desired him to be quiet and feare nothing, and so in litlle space I landed him at the Beares Colledge on the Bankside, alias Paris Garden,) Well (said he) I am glad I am off the water, for it the Boat had miscaried, I could haue swum no more then a Goose.

[Page]

(2)

AN old [...] (at the repayring of a Church) was writing sentences of Scripture vpon the walles, by chance a friend of mine came into the Church, and reading them perceined much false English: Old man, said my friend, why do you not write true English? Alas Sir (quoth the Painter) they are [...] simple people in this Parish, and they will not goe to the cost of it.

(3)

TWo men being [...] at a Table, one against the other the one of them hauing a cup in his hand, drank to the other, saying, Here Opposite I will drinke to you: Opposite, said the other (being angry) what is that, I would not haue thee put any of thy nicknames vpon mee, for thou shalt well know that I am no more opposite then thy selfe, or the skinne [...] thy browes.

(4)

A Wealthy Monsieur in France, (hauing profound [...], and [...] [Page] braine) was told by his man that [...] did continually gape in his sléepe: at which he was angry with his man, saying, hée would not beléeue it: his man [...] it to [...] true, his master said that he would neuer beléeue any that tould him so, except (quoth he) I chance to see it with mine own eyes: and therefore I will haue a great Looking-glasse hanged at my beds [...] for the purpofe, to try whether thou art a lying knaue or not.

(5)

THe said [...] commaunded his man to buy him a gray hat, with a button in the [...] to button it vp behind: his man bought him one, & brought him, he put it on his head with the button before, which when hee looked in the glasse and saw, he was very angry saying, thou crosse [...] knaue, did I not [...] thée buy a hat with the button to hold it vp behind, and thou hast brought mee one that turnes vp before: I command thée once more goe thy wayes, and [...] me such a one as I would haue, [...] it cost me.

[Page]

(6)

THe same Gallent as [...] trauelled, would haue a Goose to his Supper, which when she was [...] and brought to the Table, he said shee [...]: not so, I hope, said the [...], it cannot be, for I am sure shee was aliue since you came into the house: That may be quoth the [...], but then I am sure [...] you kild her when she was [...], shee would neuer stinke so else.

(7)

AN excéeding tall Gentlewoman was riding behind a very short little man, so that the mans head reached no higher then her breast, which the afore-said [...] perceiuing, said, Madam you will ride a great deale better, if you put your legge [...] that same pummell of your saddle.

Another time he chanced to méete a Lady of his acquaintance, and asked her how she did, and how her good [...]; at which word she wept, saying, that her Husband was in heauen; in [...], [...], it is the [...] time that I [...] of it, [...] I am [...] for it with all my heart.

[Page]

(8)

ONce the said [...] saw a [...] that had a Iack Daw to sell: Sirra quoth he what wilt thou take for thy daw? [...] (said the [...]) the price of my Daw is two French Crownes. Wherefore (said the other) dost thou aske so much for him? the fellow replyed, that the Daw could speake French, Italian, Spanish, Dutch and Latine; all which tongues hee will speake after he is a little acquainted in your Lordships house: Well quoth hee, bring thy Daw in, and there is thy money. In conclusion, Iack Daw (after a moneth or fiue [...] time) neuer spake otherwise then his father [...] Kaw Kaw: whereat the [...] said, that the Knaue had cozened him of his money; but it is no matter, there is no great [...] in it: for quoth hee, though my Daw doe not speake yet I am in good hope that he thinkes the more.

(9)

ANother time hee commanded his man to buy some swéet thing to burne in his Chamber, for (quoth he) my [...]. [...] in a paper, and [...] [Page] hee was going for fire, his master tasted of it, and finding it sticke in his téeth, and rellish very bitter, he called his man cozening knaue, that would bring him such bitter trash for his money; and straight wayes commanded [...] to buy a pound of the best sugar, and burne it straight to swéeten and perfume his Chamber.

(10)

THis Gallant in his youth was much addicted to dicing, and many times when hee had lost all his money, then hee would pawne his cloake, and so goe home without either cloake or coyne, which grieued the Lady his mother very much: for remedy whereof, she caused all his doublets (of what stuffe soeuer) to bee made with [...] painted backes, whereon was fashioned 2 fooles, which caused the gentleman euer after to kéepe his cloake on his backe, for feare two of the thrée should bee discouered.

(11)

VVIll Backstead the Player cast his Chamber-lye out of his window in the night, which chanced to light vpon [Page] the heads of the watch passing by; who angerly said, who is that offers vs this abuse? Why, [...] Will, who is there? Who is here, said one of the pickled watchmen, we are the Watch. The Watch, quoth William, why my friends you know, Harme watch, harme catch.

(12)

A Cardinall of Rome had a goodly [...] house new built, but the broken bricks, tiles, sand, lime, stones, and sush rubbish as are commonly the remnants of such buildings lay confusedly in heaps and scattered here and there: The Cardinall demanded of his Suruayor wherefore the rubbish was not conueyed away: The Suruayor said; that he purposed to hyre an hundred carts for the purpose. The Cardinall replyed, that the charge of Carts might be saued, for a pit might digged in the ground and bury it. My Lord, sayd the Suruayor, I pray you what shall we [...] with the earth which we digge out of the said pit? Why you horseson [...], said the Cardinall, [...] thou not dig the pit [...] enough, and bury all together.

[Page]

(13)

A Poore Country man praying [...] Superstitious before an olde Image of S. Loy, the Image suddenly fell downe vpon the poore man, and bruised his bones sorely, that he could not stirre abroad in a [...] after; in which space the cheating Priests [...] set [...] a new Image: the country man came to the Church againe, and [...] a [...] off, to the new Image, saying, Although thou smilest and lookest faire vpon me yet thy father plaid me such a knauish pranke lately, that Ile beware how I [...] too neere thee, lest thou shouldest haue any of thy Fathers vnhappy qualities.

(14)

A [...] ten [...] in suit of Law, had a triall at [...], where the [...] went on her side; wherevpon [...] presently [...] her [...] by [...] some of her néerest tenants & [...] to supper; amongst whom was a plaine downe right countrey [...], to whom the Lady sayd, [...], I thinke I haue tickled my aduersary now, though it were long first, I trow hee will make no [Page] brags of his medling with me. The honest [...] replyed, Truely Madam I did euer thinke what it would come to at last, for I knew when he first medled with your [...], that he had a wrong Sow by the [...].

(15)

ONe asked a [...] what the Westminster Hall was like; Marry, quoth the other, it is like a Butlers Box at Christmas amongst [...], for whosoeuer loseth, the Box will be sure to bee a winner.

(16)

A Proper Gentlewoman went to [...] a rich [...] that had more gowt then good manners, at her taking leaue hee requested her to tast a cup of Canara: She (contrary to his expectation) tooke him at his [...], and thanked him. Hee commanded Ieffrey Starueling his man to wash a glasse, and fill it to the Gentlewoman. Honest [...] fild a great glasse about the bignesse of two Taylors thimbles, and gaue it to his master, who kist it to saue cost, and gaue it to the Gentlewoman, saying [...] it was good Canara of sixe yeares old at [Page] the least, to whom shee an swered, (séeing the quantitie so small) sir, as you requested me, I haue tasted your wine, but I wonder that it should be so little, being of such a great age.

(17)

A Souldier vpon his march found a horseshooe, and stucke it at his girdle, where passing through a wood, some of the enemy lay in [...], and one of them discharged his musket, and the shot by fortune light against the fellowes horse-shooe. A ha, [...]. he, I perceiue that little armor will serue a mans turne, if it bee put on in the right place.

(18)

ONe being in a [...] with his friend, looking out at the window, he saw one riding on a horse in the stréet, said he, do you sée that horse? yea, [...]. the other: then said he, you may sweare you haue séene the best hors in England: how do you know that said the other? I know it well, said he, for it is my horse, and I am sure that he is the best, and yet I [...] that I haue one in my stable worth ten of him.

[Page]

(19)

AN vnhappy boy that kept his fathers [...] in the country, did vse to cary a payre of Cards in his pocket, and méeting with boyes as good as himselfe, would fall to Cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny, or English one and thirtie; at which sport he would some daies lose a shéepe or two: for which if his father corrected him, hee (in reuenge) would driue the shéepe home at night ouer a narrow bridge, where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned in the swift brooke. The old man being wearied with his vngracious dealing, complained to a Iustice, thinking to afright him from doing any more the like. In briefe, before the [...] the youth was brought, where (vsing small reuerence, and lesse [...],) the Iustice said to him, Sirrah, you are a notable villaine, you play at Cards, and lose your fathers shéepe at one and thirty. The boy replyed, that it was a lye. A lye, quoth the Iustice, you saucy knaue, dost thou giue me the [...] No, qd the boy I gaue not you the lye, but you told me the lye, for I neuer lost Shéepe at one and thirty, for [Page] when my game was one and thirty I allwayes wonne. Indéede, said the Iustice, thou saist true, but I haue another accusation [...] thée, which is, that you driue [...] fathers shéepe ouer a narrow bridge, where some of them are oftentimes drowned: That's a lye too, quoth the [...], for [...] that goe ouer the bridge are well enough, it is onely those that fall beside: which are drowned: Whereto the Iustice said to the boyes father. Old man, thou [...] brought in to false accusations against thy [...], for he neuer lost shéepe at one and thirty, nor were there euer any drowned that went ouer the bridge.

(20)
A Quiblet.

A [...] passing through a roome where a Woman was [...] a buck of clothes, but hee thinking shée had béene [...], saw a dish, and dipped some small [...] of the Lye, which he supposing to [...], dranke vp, and [...] to [...], spt, [...], and spaule: the [...] asked him [...] hée [...], [...] told her, and called her some [...] names, [Page] saying, he had swallowed Lye, Nay then I cannot blame you to be angry, for you being a Souldier and a Captaine, it must [...] trouble your stomake to swallow the Lye.

(21)

A Country fellow (that had not walked much in stréets that were paued) came to London, where a dog came [...] out of a house, and furiously ran [...] stooped to take vp a [...] the Dogge, and finding them all [...] or paued in the ground; [...], [...] strange Country am I in, [...] the [...] tye vp the [...], [...] let the dogs loose.

(22)

AN honest Mayor of a Towne, being all Mercy and no Iustice, louing ease and quietnesse, and vnwilling to commit any offence or offender, one said of him that hée was like the herbe Iohn in a pottag pot, for that herbe did not giue any taste at all either good or bad, but an excellent [...]: so the Mayor did neither good nor harme, but (as an image of a Mayors authority) filled vp the roome.

[Page]

(23)

A Iustice of the Peace, being angry with a pilfering Knaue, said, Sirrah, if thou dost not mend thy manners, thou wilt be shortly [...], or else I will bee hauged for thée. The bold knaue replyed, I thanke your worship for that kind offer, and I beséech your worship not to bee out of the way when I shall haue occasion so vse you.

(24)

CErtaine Iustices of the Peace being informed of the odious abuses daily committed by drunkennesse in their Iurisdictions, did according to their places and duties, méet at a market towne, and sate two dayes, hearing informations, and working reformations: at last they concluded that the Ale and Béere were too strong, and therefore commanded that from thence forth smaller drinke should bée brewed, whereby these vnruly people might sometimes goe to bed sober. But one mad tospot fellow being much grieued at this order, hauing made himselie half pot-shaken, [Page] without feare or wit came to the Iustices, and asked them if they had sate two dayes about the brewing of small drink: to whom one of the Iustices replyed, yes: Why then quoth the [...], I pray you sit thrée dayes more to know who shall drinke it, for I will none of it.

(25)

THere was a Scottish Gentleman that had sore eyes, who was counselled by his Physitians to forbeare drinking of wine: but hee said hee neither could nor would forbeare it, maintaining it for the lesser suill, to shut vp the windowes of his body, then to suffer [...] house to fall downe, through want of reparations.

(26)

VPon the death of Queene Elizabeth, there was a Mayor of a Country Towne sitting in consultation with his Brethren: to whom hee grauely said, My Brethren and Neighours, I [...] heare that the Quéene is dead, wherefore I thought it excéeding [...] we should [Page] despaire to this place, that being dissembled together, we might consult of our estates, for I doubt [...] shalt haue another Queene or a King, and I stand in great feare that the people will be vnrude, so that wée shall bée in danger of strange Resurrection,

(27)

ANother Mayor that was on hunting, (by chance) one asked him how hée liked the Cry: a pox take the Doggs, saith he, they make such a bawling that I cannot heare the Cry.

(28)

AN old Iustice was fast a sléepe on the Bench when a [...] Malefactor was iudged to bee hanged; at which word the Iustice suddenly awaked, and said to the Théefe, My friend, I pray let this bee a warning to you, looke you doe so no more, for wee doe not show euery man the like fauour.

[Page]

(29)

AN old Recorder of a City in this Land was busie with a Country Mayor, in the meane space they were interrupted by a fellow that was brought before him for killing of a man: my Lord asked the fellowes name, who answered, his name was Gilman. Said my Lord, take away G, and thy name is Ilman put K to it, thy name is Kilman, and put to Sp and thy name is Spilman, thou art halfe hang'd already (as the prouerbe sayes:) for thou hast au ill name, let a man vary it how he can.

The Mayor all this while stood by musing at my Lords canuasing the mans name, and afterward being at home among his owne good people, hée had an offender brought before him for getting a Wench with child: Master Mayor asked him his name: the fellow said, if it please your worship my name is Iohnson. Then Master Mayor (striuing to Imitate my Lord) said, take away G and thy name is Ilman, put K to it, it is Kilman, put Sp to it, and thy name is Spilman, thou art a knaue, thou hast an ill name, and [...] shalt bée hanged, &c.

[Page]

(30)
A Quiblet.

MAster Field the Player riding vp Fleetstreet, a great pace, a Gentleman called him, and asked him what play was playd that day: he (being angry to be [...] vpon so friuolous a demand) answered, that he might see what play was to bée playd vpon euery Poste, I cry you mercy (said the Gentleman) I tooke you for a Poste, you road so fast

(31)

ONe being [...] vexed with the spirit of iealousie, came suddenly into his house, and found a man (whom he suspected) some what too busie with his wife; to whom he said, Now good fellow I thanke thée, for thou hast cured mee of a strange hellish torment; my suspition is cleared, and apparent knowledge hath giuen mee such ease of heart, that I will be iealous no more.

(32)

A Skilfull Painter was requested to paint out a faire Courtezan (in plaine English a Whore) I pray you spare that [...], said the Painter, for if shee bee a right whore she daily paints her selfe.

[Page]

(33

SEigneur Valdrino (pay-master to the Campe of Alphonsus King of Aragon) a man exquisite in courtship and complement; as two or thrée were at strife laying wagers what Countryman he was, a blunt bold Captaine asked what was the matter: why Captaine, said one, [...] are laying a wager what Countryman my L. Treasurer Valdrino is: Oh said the Captaine, I can tell you that, I am sure he was borne in the land of Promise, for I haue serued the King in his [...] these seuen yeers without pay, and euer when I petition to my Lord, he payes me with no coine but promises, which makes mee halfe assured that he is that countryman.

(34

A Nobleman of France (as he was riding) met with a yeoman of the country, to whom he said, My friend I should know thée, I doe remember I haue often seene thée: My good Lord, said the Countryman, I am one of your Houors poore tenants, and my name is T. 1. I remember thée better now (said my Lord) there were 2 brothers of you, but one is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine aliue?

[Page]

(35)

THe [...] man hauing had a [...] that was blind, play to him after supper [...] late, at last he arose, and commanded one of his seruants to light the [...]: to whom the [...] said my Lord, the Harper is blind: [...], quoth my Lord, he [...] the more [...] of light.

(36)

A Young fellow [...] himselfe the richest [...] in England: to whom his Mother [...] very angerly, you foolish [...] boy, why [...] thou desire such a wish, hath not [...] own Father enough in store for thee?

(37)

A [...] Rampant, made her husband a [...] Dormant, with a front Cressant, surprised by the watch Guardant, brought to the Iustice [...], with her play-fellow [...], after a coursie Couchant; the Iustice told her that her offence was haynous, in breaking the bonds of matrimony in that adulterate manner, and [Page] that she should consider that her husband was her Head: Good sir, quoth shee, I did euer acknowledge him so; and I hope it is no such great fault in me, for I was but trimming, dressing, or [...] my Head.

(38)

A Man being very sickely, one said to his wife, I maruell your husband doth not weare a night-cap. Truely (quoth [...]) within this sixe monthes that my husband hath béen sicke, although his legs be shrunk, yet he hath outgrowne all his night-caps.

(39)

A [...], whose mother was noted to bee one not ouerloden with honesty, went to seeke his Godfather, and enquiring for him, quoth one to him, who is thy Godfather: the boy reply'd his name is goodman Digland the Gardiner: Oh said the man, if he be thy Godfather he is at the next Alehouse: but I feare thou takest Gods name in vaine.

[Page]

(40)

A Scholler riding from Cambridge towards London, his horse being tyred, (a lazy disease often befalling such hacknies) met a Poste on the way, who notwithstanding he did what he could to make his horse giue him place, by [...], switch, and bridle, yet the Poste was [...] to giue him the way: to whom (in anger) he said, Thou paltry fellow, dost thou not sée I am a Poste? The Scholler straight replyed, And thou ignorant fellow, [...] thou not sée that I ride vpon a Poste.

(41)

A Fellow hauing more drinke then wit, in a [...] euening made a foolish vow to take the wall of as many as hée met betwixt the Temple-bar and Charing crosse, and comming néere the Sauoy, where stood a Poste a little distance from the wall: the drunkard tooke it for a man, and would haue the wall, beginning to quarrell and giue the Poste foule words: at which a man came by, and asked the matter, and whom he spake to: he answered hee would [...] the wall of that fellow that stood so [Page] stifly there: my friend said the other, that is a Poste, you must giue him the way: Is it so, said the fellow, a [...] vpon [...], why did he not blow his horne?

(42)

A Saylor being on a tired horse, riding [...] Douer to London, his company prayd him to ride faster: to whom hee answered, I can come no faster, [...] you [...] sée that I am be calm'd?

(43)

TWo Gentlemen were [...], and one of them cast away the others hat; but the other catcht his hat off, and put it on his owne head: now fie, fie, quoth tho other, thou spoylest my hat: wherewith said the other? Marry (said hee that was bareheaded) thou spoy lest my hat with putting a Calues head into it.

(44)
The figure Conuersion.

IF a Uintner doth draw me good wine vpon money or credit, then he is fitter to draw then hang: but if hée draw mee bad wine for good money, then he is much fitter to hang then to draw.

[Page]

(45)

A Man hauing beene with a Doctor of Physicke to haue his aduise about [...] griefe he had; when he came home his wife asked him what newes? Marry, said hee, my Physitian doth counsell mee to drinke Asses milke euery morning fasting: Why husband, quoth the Woman, I pray you tell me, doth master Doctor giue suck?

(46)

A Braue and valiant Captaine, whom I could name, had a scarse giuen him here in England, and he sayling ouer into the Low Countries, an old [...] Catholike Lady of his acquaintance, was very importunate to beg his scarfe of him: the Captaine asked her what shee would [...] with it, and said, it was not fit for her wearing. She answered him, that if he would giue it her, that Iesus Christ should weare it in the Church vpon holy dayes, meanning the Image, Madam, said the Captaine, if you will bringe me word that euer his father wore such a scarfe, then I will giue you this for him.

[Page]

(47)

BEtwéene the houres of twelue and [...] at noone, one asked me what it was a clocke: I answered him, it was little or no thing. He demaunded of me what I [...] by my answer? I reply'd, that it being not one of the clocke, it was to bee reckned or counted for nought, for that which is lesser then one, is little or nothing.

(48)

A Gentlewoman cheapned a close [...] in Pauls Church-yard, and the shopkéeper did aske her to much money for it, as she thought, Why mistris, said he, I pray you consider what a good locke and key it hath: Shée replyed, that shee had small vse for [...] locke or key, for [...] purposed to put nothing into it, but what [...] cared not who stole out.

(49)

A Countrey woman at an Asses was to take her oath against a party; the said party [...] the Iudge that her [...] might not be taken; the Iudge demanded why hee excepted against [...] [Page] my Lord (quoth he) shée is a Recusant or Romane Catholique, and they hold it no matter of conscience to sweare any thing against vs. Come hither woman, said the [...], I doe not thinke thou art a [...], I am perswaded that for forty shillings thou [...] swear the Pope is a knaue: Good my Lord, said shee, the Pope is a stranger to me, but if I knew him as well as I know your Lordship, I would sweare for halfe the money.

(50)

A Cardinall kept a knauish foole for his recreation, to whom hee said, Sirrah foole, suppose that all the world were dead but thou and I, and that one of vs should be turned to a Horse, and the other of vs to an Asse, say which of these two wouldest thou choose to bee? The foole answered, Sir, you are my master, and for that [...] it is fit that your worship should choose first, and I will be contented to take that which you leaue. Why then said the Cardinall, I would be a horse: no said the foole, let me intreat your worship to be an Asse, for I would be an Asse to chuse of al things: why quoth the Cardinall? marry, said the [Page] foole because that I haue knowne many Asses come to bee [...], but I néuer knew any horse come to the like [...].

(51)

A Graue discréet Gentleman hauing a comely wife, whose beauty and frée behauiour did [...] her honesty into suspition, by whom he had a [...] almost at mans estate, of very dissolute and wauton cariage: I muse, said one, that a man of such stayd and moderate grauity should haue a sonne of such a contrary and froward disposition. Sir, [...] another, the reason is that his pate is stuffed with his mothers wit, that there is no roome for any of his fathers wisedome: besides the [...] of her heeles is gotten into her sonnes braines.

(52)

A Rich Grasier dwelling 150 miles from Oxford, hauing a sonne that had seuen yeares beene a student there, at last sent for him home, to whom he said, Sonne I doe heare that you are well practised in the rudiments of learning, but that withall [Page] you are addicted to an idle veine of the poore and thréedbare art of Poetry; which I charge thee to leaue and auoid, as thou [...] my fauour. for my mind is not to haue thée liue beggerly, and dye poorely; yet I will aske [...] one Poetical question, which is. Wherefore thinkest thou that so beautifull a creature as Venus, was so besotted to match her selfe with so ill fauoured a knaue as Vulcan: In truth [...], quoth the young man, I can yéeld you no reason for it, but I wonder at it; and yet I doe admire as much wherfore my mother maried with you.

(53)

A Man going with his Wife by a déepe riuer side, began to talke of Cockolds, and withall hee [...] that euery Cuckold were cast into the riuer: to whom his wife replyes, husband I pray you learne to swimme.

(54)

A Man riding through a village with his dogge tunning by him, which dogges name was called Cuckold, leaping and frisking into euery house he past by where the [...] was [...]: whereupon the man [Page] being afraid his dog would bee lost, calls and whistles, here, here, Cuckold; to whom an old woman said, whom dost thou miscall? I would haue thée know that no cuckold doth dwell in this house. Good Woman, said the man, you mistake me, I doe call no body but my dog; Now out vpon thée thou misbeléeuing kuaue, said shee, where learnedst thou that manners to call a dog by a christen bodies name.

(55)

A Lusty Miller that in his younger daies had béene much giuen to the flesh and the deuill; so that not one pretty maid or female seruant did or could bring grist to his Mill to be grownd, but the knaue [...] would doe his best to vndermine and blow vp their chastity, and withall hée would bargain with as many as his temptations ouercame, that at his day of mariage euery one of them should giue him a Cake. In processe of time the Miller was married, and those foresaid [...]-hearted Wenches sent each one their cakes, to the number of 99. His wife the bride, who also went for a maid, did muse and aske what was the meaning of so many Cakes? [Page] The miller told her the truth of all without any dissembling: to whom his wife answered, If I had beene so wise in bargaining as you haue beeue in your time, the young men of my acquaintance would haue sent me 100 cheeses to [...] with your cakes.

This bawdy Miller in a trap was catcht,

Nor onely married, but most fitly matcht:

In this the prouerb is approued plaine,

What bread men breake is broke to them againe.

(56)

THere was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower wharfe at london, where a Conntryman passing by most earnestly looked on the said ship, and demanded how old she was: one made answer that she was a yeare old. Good Lord blesse me, said the Countryman, is shee so big [...] in one yeare, what a greatnesse will she be by that time she comes to my age.

This mans blind ignorance I may compare

To Aquavitae giuen to a Mare:

Let each man his owne calling then apply,

Ne sutor vltra crepidam, say I.

[Page]

(57

TWelue Schollers riding together, one of them said, my masters let vs ride faster: Why, quoth another, me thinks we ride a good pace, [...] warrant it is foure mile an houre. Alas said the first, what is foure mile an houre amongst all vs.

Let not man boast of wit or learning deepe,

For ignorance may out of knowledge creep

A mongst 12 men 4 mile an houre to ride.

He that hath wit to each his share diuide.

(58)

AN Apprentice in the market did aske the price of an hundred Oysters: his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too small; too small reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in that for I shall haue the more to the hundred.

If vp the hill a measur'd mile it be,

Then downe the hill's another mile, I see:

A groat to pay, 4 pence will quit the cost.

What's won in t'hundred, in the shire is lost.

(59)

SIx Gentlemen riding together, were in doubt that they were out of their [Page] way, wherefore they rode a flight-shot to an old shepheard, one of them enquiring of him if that were the way to such a towne, and how far it was thither. Sir, quoth the Shepheard, that is the right way, and you haue six miles thither. Quoth one of the Gentlemen, What a lying old knaue art thou, it cannot bee aboue foure miles: the Shepheard replyde, Sir you offer like a chapman, and you shall haue it for foure miles, but Ile assure you it shall cost euery one of these Gentlemen six miles before they come thither.

Here rashnes did the Gallāts tongue oreslip,

To whō the Shepheard gaue a pleasing nip:

Thus softest fire doth make the sweetest Mault,

And mild reproofes makes rashnesse see his fault.

(60)

A Man was very angry with his mayd, because his eggs were boyled too hard: truely, said she, I haue made them boyle a long houre, but the next you haue shall boyl 2 houres but they shall be tender enough.

The boyling of this wenches eggs I find

Much like vnto a greedy mizers mind:

The egs the more they boyle are harder still

The mizer's full, too full; yet wants his fill.

[Page]

(61)

TWo learned good. fellowes drinking a pipe of Tobacco, it being almost outthat he that drunke last did partly feele the ashes to come hot to his lippes; giuing the pipe to his friende, said, Ashes to ashes: the other taking the pipe and (being of a quick apprehension, threw it out to the dunghill saying, Earth to earth.

Thus wit with wit agrees like cake & cheese

Both sides are gainers, neither side doth lese

[...] begets conceit, iest, iest doth father

And butter falne to [...], doth somthing gather,

(62)

ONe sayd a Citizen was a man all in earnest, and in no part like a iest, because the Citizen was neuer bad, or the iest neuer good till they were both broke,

What's one mans yea, may be anothers nay,

The Sun doth soften wax, and harden clay:

Some Citizens are like to iests, for why,

They'll breake in iest, or bankrupt policy.

[Page]

(63)

A Gallant with a galloping wit, was mounted vpon a running horse toward a Towne named Tame, within ten miles of Oxford, and riding at full spéed, he met an old man, and asked him, Sirrah is this the way to Tame? yes sir, he replyde, your Horse, Ile warrant you, if he were as wild as the deuill.

This is a ridle to a foole, me thinks,

And seemes to want an Oedipus or Sphinx,

But [...], in my booke I hold it fit,

To find you lines, your selfe must find you wit.

(64)

A Complementall Courtier that in his French, Italian, and Spanish cringes, [...], and curtelies, would bend his body, and bow euery way like a tumbler, a Mercere seruant espying his marmositicall [...], said, Oh if my master could haue bowed but halfe so much; I am certainly perswaded that he had neuer broke.

Too much of one thing oft proues good for nothing,

[Page]And dainties in satiety, breeds loathing:

Th'ones flattery mingled with the others pride,

Had seru'd them both, both might line long vnspide.

(65)

I My selfe gaue a booke to King Iames once in the great Chamber at Whitehall as his Maiesty came from the Chappell, the Duke of Richmond said merrily vnto me, Taylor where did you learne the manners to giue the King a book and not knéel? My Lord, said I, if it please your Grace, I doe giue now, but when I beg any thing then I will kneele.

Be it to all men by these presents knowne,

Men need not kneel to giue away there own

Ile stand vpon my feet when as I giue,

And kneele when as I beg more meanes to liue,

But some by this may vnderstand.

That Courtiers [...] kneele then stand.

(66)

THe trayned souldiers of a certaine Shire which I could name, to the number of 6000, as they were mnstring [Page] and drilling vnder their seuerall captaine, a yeomans sonne being there as a raw soldier in his corslet, his father standing by said, I vaith it does me much good at harte to zee how trim a vellow my zonne is in his hardnesse. The young fellow hearing his fathers commendations of him, began very desperately to shake his pike, and looking exceeding grim, with a [...] horrible terrible countenance, said, O vather, chad lather nor a groat that all wee had but one Spainard here.

One Spainard mongst 6000, pitty t'were,

Better ten thousand Britains bold were ther

Led by braue Leaders, that might make Spain e quake,

Like Vere, or Morgan, Essex, Blunt, or Drake.

(67)

ONe said that he could neuer haue his health in Cambridge, and that [...] hee had liued there till this time, he thought in his conscience that hee had dyed 7 yeares agoe.

I will not say the man that spake so lyed,

Seuē years ago, no doubt, he might haue di'd

He by his trade perhaps might be a dyer,

And daily dy'd to liue, and bin no lyer.

[Page]

(68)

A Country fellow was much grieued that hée had not gone seuen miles to a market towne to haue seene the [...]: Why, said his wife, it is too far to goe and come in a day to sée such bables, especially tis too great a iourney on foot. O quoth hee, I could haue gone thither with my neigbour Hobson on foot, like a foole as I was, and I might haue rid backe vpon my neghbour Iobsons mare, like an asse as I am.

Thus in the preter tense a foole he was,

And in the present tense he is an Asse;

And in the future, foole and asse shall be,

That goes or rides so far such sights to see.

(69)

THere was a [...] young Scholler preferred to a [...] in the Country, and commonly on Sundayes and holydaies after euening prayer he would haue a dozen bouts at [...] with the [...] youths in his parish: The Bishop of the Diocesse hearing of it, sent for the parson, telling him that this beséemed not his profession and grauity, and if that hee did not desist from that [...] kind of exercise, he would vnbenefice him; Good my Lord, sayd [Page] the person) I beséech you to conceiue rightly of me, and I doubt not but my playing [...] will be accounted tollerable, for I doe it [...] purpose to [...] the ruder sort of my people: How so, said the Bishop; Marry my Lord (quoth the Parson) whatsoeuer I doe teach them at morning and euening prayer, I doe heat soundly into their [...] at cudgels afterward, for their better remembrance.

I wish that all the Fencers in our nation,

Were onely of this Parsons congregation:

That he his life and doctrine should explain

By beating them, whilst they beat him againe.

(70)

A Iudge vpon the Bench did aske an old man how old he was: My Lord, said he, I am eight and fourescore: And why not fourescore and eight, said the Iudge: the other replyde, because I was eight before I was fourescore.

Eight's before eighty, all men may descry,

Yet we name eighty first, contrarily:

[Page]Pull off my Boots and Spurs, I you beseech.

when Spurs & Boots is rather [...] speech

(71)

A Fellow made his boast that hee rode 220 miles with one horse and neuer drew bit: that may be quoth another) perhaps you rid him with a halter.

The prouerb saies, he that will swear wil lie,

He that will lye will steale by consequency:

Swearers are lyers, lyars most are theeues,

Or God helpe Iaylors, & true Vndershrieues.

(72

ONe saw a decayed Gentleman in a very thréed bare cloake, sayd to him, Sir you haue a very watchfull cloake on: Why said the poore Gentleman the other answered, I doe not [...] it had a good nap this seuen yeares: the Gentleman replyed, and truly sir me thinkes you want a nap as well as my cloke, for you talke idlely for want of sleepe.

The Prodigall at Pouerty doth scoffe,

Though from his backe the begger's not farre off,

Here flout with flout, and bob with bob is quitted,

And proud vainglorions folly finely fitted

[Page]

(73)

A Diligent and learned Preacher on a [...] in the afternoone was preaching, whilst most of the zealous [...] men (for their meaner edification) were fast a [...] in [...] pues: in the meane space a young childe cryed somewhat aloud at the lower end of the church, which the Preacher hearing, called to the Nurse, and said, Nurse, I pray thée still thy childe, or else it may chance to awaken some of the best men in our parish.

Men sleepe at Sermons, sure their braines are adle,

Sly Satan lulls them, and doth rocke the cradle:

When men thus doe no ill, tis vnderstood,

The deuill hinders them from doing good.

(74)

A Chorister or singing man at seruice in a Cathedrall Church, was fast asleepe when all his fellowes were singing, which the Deane espying, sent a boy to him to waken him, and aske him why he did not sing? he being suddenly awaked, prayed the boy to thanke master Deane for his kind remembrance, and to tell him that he was as merry as those that did sing.

[Page]

They say he's wise that can himselfe keepe warme,

And that the man that sleepes well thinkes no harme,

He sung not, yet was in a merry [...],

Like Iohn Indifferent, did not harme nor good.

(75)

A Kind of clownish gentleman had halfe a Brawne sent him against Christmas, he very illiberally gaue the Seruing man halfe a shilling that brought it: the Seringman gaue the Porter that carried it eight pence before the [...] face. [...], said he, are you so prodigall to reward the Porter with eight pence, when I giue you but sixe pence, thou bearest the mind of a prodigall Gallant, although by thy foot thou seemest [...] clowne: Good sir, said the fellow, I confesse I haue a very clownish lubberly payre of féet, but yet I am perswaded that a payre of your worships shooes would fit them well.

Heres Bore and Brawn together are wel met

He knew that giuing was no way to get,

The world gets somwhat [...] the [...],

When as the [...] gets the deuill and all.

[Page]

(76)

A Griping extortiouer that had béene a maker of beggers for the space of forty yeares, and by raising rents and oppression, had vndone many families, [...] on a time in anger to a poore fellow that had [...] a [...] of his, [...] villane, [...] thou rob me, I vow and sweare there is not so damned a rogue in the world as thou: to [...] the fellow answered, I beséech your good worship remember your selfe, and be good to mee for Gods sake, and for your owne sake.

This Rascals eye is with a beame so blind,

That in the poore mans he a moat can find:

The wolfe himself, a temperate feeder deems

And euery man too much himselfe esteems.

(77)

A Seruingman and his mistris was landing at the Whitefryars stayers, the stayers being very bad, a waterman offered to helpe the woman, saying. Giue me your hand Gentlewoman Ile help you: to whom her man replyed, you [...] fellow place your words right, my mistris is [...], she is a Lady.

[Page]

All is not gold (they say) that glisters bright

Snow is not suger, though it look as white:

And tis approued to be true and common,

That euery Lady's not a Gentlewoman.

(78)

A Seruingman going in hast in London, (minding his [...] more then his way) a Gallant iustled him from the wall almost into the kennell: the fellow turned about, and asked the Gentleman why he did tustle him so? the Gentleman said, Because he would not giue the wall to asawcy knaue. The Seruingman replyed, your worship is not of my mind, for I will.

Here Pride that takes Humility in snuffe,

Is well encountred with a couuterbuffe:

One would not giue the wall vnto a Knaue,

The other would, and him the wall he gaue.

(79)

A Iustice of the Peace was very angry with a country [...] because [...] came not to him at [...] sending for him; and after hee had [...] bestowed two or thrée dozen of knaues vpon him, hee sayd to him; Sirrah, I will make you know that the proudest saucy [...] [Page] that dwels vnder my command shall come before we when I send for him. I beseech your worship, said the man, to pardon me, for [...] was afraid: afraid of what, said the Iustice? of your worship, answered, the fellow. Of mée, said the [...]? why wast thou afraid of ma? Because your worship lookes so like a Lyon, sayd the man: a Lyon quoth the Iustice? when didst thou sée a Lyon? may it please your worship (the fellow replyde) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to [...] market, with a white face, and his foure legs bound.

This fellow was a knaue, or foole, or both,

Or else his wit was of but slender growth:

He gaue the whitfac'd Calfe the Lyons stile

the Iustice was a proper man the while.

(80)

DIuers Gentlemen being merry together, at last one of their accquaintance came to them (whose name was Sampson) A ha, said one of them, [...] may be securely merry, no Sergant or Bailiffe dare touch vs, for if a thousand Philistims come, here is Sampson, who is able to brain them all: to whom Shampson replyde. Sir [Page] I may boldly venture against so many as you speake of, prouided, that you will lend me one of your Iaw-bones.

(81)

TWo Playsterers being at worke for me at my [...] in Southwarke, did many times patch or dawbe out part of their dayes lobour with prating, which I being digging in my garden did ouerheare, that their chat was of their wiues, and how that if I were able (quoth one) my wife shoule ride in pompe through London, as I saw a Countesse ride yesterday: why quoth the other, how did she ride I pray? Marry, said he, in state, in her horslitter: O base, quoth the other, Horslitter, I protest as poore a man as I am, I would haue allowed my wife a thréepeny trust of clean straw:

(82)

SIr Edward Dier came to the Tower on some businesse iust at the time as the Gate was newly shut, and the Warders going away with the keyes, hee looking through the gate called to one of them, saying, Hoe fellow, I pray thée open the gate [Page] and let me in: None of your fellow Sir but a poore Knaue: Why then said Sir, Edward, I pray thée poore Knaue let mee in: nay no knaue neither, quoth the [...]. Why then said the knight, hee was a knaue that told me so.

(83)

ONe met his friend in the street, and told him he was very sory to see him looke so ill, asking him what he ailed: hee replyed, that hee was now well amended, but he had beene lately [...] of the Pox: What pox, the small Pox, said his friend? Nay, quoth the other, my mind was not so base; for I had the [...] Pox that I could get for my money.

(84)

AN honest Hostesse of mine at Oxford rosted an old shoulder of a [...], which in the eating was as tongh as a Buffe Ierkin: I did aske her what the reason was that the mutton was so tough: Shee said she [...] not, except the Butcher deceiued her in the age of it, and she would tell him on both sides of his [...], like a knaue as [Page] he was: Nay, quoth I, I thinke there is [...] fault in it which will excuse the Butcher, for perhaps you [...] it with old wood: in troth quoth mine hostesse it is like enough, and my husband neuer doth other wayes, but buy old [...] and [...] which makes all the meat we either roast or boyle, so exceeding tough that no body can eate it.

(85)

ONe hearing a clock strike thrée when he thought it was not two, sayd, this Clocke is like an hypocricicall Puritane, for though he will not sweare, yet hee will lye abominably.

(86)

[...] Tarleton said that hee could compare Queene Elizabeth to nothing more fittly then to a Sculler, for said hee, neither the Queene nor the Sculler hath a fellow.

[Page]

(87)

TWo obstinate rich fellowes in Law (that had each of them more mouey then wit) by chance one of them comming out of Westminster Hall met with his aduersaries wife, to whom he sayd, in troth good woman I doe much pitty your case, in that it is your hard fortune that such a foole as your husband should haue so discréet and modest a wife. The woman reply'd, In truth Sir I doe grieue more that so [...] a wife as you haue, should haue such a wrangling knaue to her husband.

(88)

A Poore labouring man was maried and natched to a creature that so much vsed [...] scold waking, that she had much adoe to refrain it sleeping, so that the poore man was so batterfang'd and belabour'd with tongue mettle, that hee was weary of his life: at last foure or fiue woman that were his neighbours (pittying his case) came in his absence to his house to admonish and connsell his wife to a quiet behauiour towards her husband; telling her that shee was a shame to all good woman, in her bad [Page] vsage of so honest a painfull man: the woman replyed to her neighbours, that shee thought her husband did not [...] her which was partly the cause that shee was so froward towards him; why (said an old woman) I will shew thée how thou shalt proue that he loues thee dearely; doe thou counterfeit thy selfe dead and lye vnder the table. and one of vs will fetch thy husband, and he shall find vs heauy and grieuing for thée; by which meanes thou shalt perceiue by his lamentation for thée how much hée loues thée: this counsell was al lowed and effected; when the poore man came home, be hearing the matter (being much opprest with griefe) can vnder the table bemouing the happy losse of his most [...] vexation, and making as though hee would kisse her, with a most louing embrace, to make all sure, he brake her necke. The [...] pittying the mans extream passion, in compassion told him that his wife was not dead, and that all this was done but to make a triall of his loue towards her: whereupon they called her by her name, bidding her to rise, and that shee had fooled it enough with her husband: but for all their calling, shee lay still, which [Page] made one of the women to shake and iogge her, at which the woman cryed, alas she is dead indeed: why this it is quoth her husband to dissemble and [...] with God and the world.

(90)

A Pantler of a Colledge in Oxford possessing some crums of Logicke and chippings of [...], making distribution of bread at the Schollers table, one of the Schollers, complained vnto [...] that the bread was dow baked: Why, quoth he, so it should be, what else is the definition of bread but dough baked?

(91)

A Miserable fellow in the country, did once a yeare vse to inuite his neighbours to dinner, and as they were one time sate, hee bad them welcome, saying, that there was a surloine of beefe, that the oxe it came from cost 20 pound and that there was a Capon that hee payd 2 [...] 6 pence for in the market: at which a country yeoman sitting against the Capon [...] [Page] to and cut off a leg of it, (the [...] of the guests being not yet past their roast beefe) to whom the man of the house said, My friend, I pray thee eate some of this same surloyne: [...] sir, God forbide, quoth the fellow, I am but a poore man, an oxe of 20 pound price is too deare meat, a Capon of halfe a crowne will serue my turne well enough, I thanke you.

(92)

A Rich man told his nephew, that he had read a booke called Lucius Apuleius, of the Golden [...] and that hee found there how Apuleius after hee had beene an asse many yeares, by eating of [...] he did recouer his manly shape againe, and was no more an asse: the young man replyed to his vncle, Sir, if I were worthy to aduise you, I would giue you counsell to eate a sallad of Roses once a weeke your selfe.

(93)

A [...] hauing beene maried but [...] weekes, perceiued his wife to bée great with childe, wherefore shee [...] him to [...] a Cradle: shortly after [Page] he went to a Faire and bought ten cradles, and being demanded why hee bought so many, hee answered, that his wife would [...] vse for them all in one yeare.

(94)

A Gentleman vntrust and vnbuttoned in a cold winter morning, a friend of his told him that it was not for his health to goe so open in the raw weather, and that he mused it did not kill him to goe so oft vntrust: to whom the other replyed, Sir, you are of the mind of my Silceman, Mercer, or Taylor, for they find fault as you do because I goe so much on trust, but it is a fault I haue naturally from my parents and kindred, and my creditors tell me that I doe imitate my betters.

(95)

A [...] of the peace committed a fellow to prison, and commanded him away three or foure times, but still the fellow entreated him. Sirrah ( [...] the Iustice) must I bid you bee gone [...] many times, and will you not goe? The fellow answered, Sir, if your worship had [...] me to dinner or supper, I should in my [Page] poore manners not to haue taken your offer vnder two or thrée biddings, therefore I pray you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison.

(96)

A Great man kept a miserable house, so that his seruants did alwayes rise from the table with empty panches, though cleane licked platters: truly, said one of his men, I thinke my Lord will worke miracles shortly, for though he practise not to raise the dead, or dispossesse [...] deuill; yet he goes about to feed his great family with almost nothing.

(97)

ONe said that Bias the Philosopher was the first Bowler; and that euer since the most part of Bowles doe in memory of their orginall, weare his badge of remambrance, and very dutifull [...] Bias. Now to tell you, this Bias was one of the seuen Sages or wise men of Greece. My authors to proue him the inuenter [...] Bowling, are Shamrooke, a famous [...] Gimnosophist in his 9 booke of [...] and [...]; of which opinion Balductus the Theban [...] to bee [Page] in his third treatise of court performances: the likliest coniecture is, that it was denised as an embleme to figure out the worlds folly and inconstancie; for though a child will ride a [...] or staffe with an imagination that he is on horsebacke; or make pyes of dirt or [...] of cards, féed with [...] spoones, and cry for [...] péeces of bread and [...], which childish [...] are ridiculous to a man: yet this wise game of Bowling doth make the fathers surpasse their children, in [...] and niost delicate dogtrickes. As first for the postures, 1 handle your Bowle: 2 adnance your Bowle: 3 charge your Bowle: 4 ayme your Bowle: 5 discharge your Bowle: 6 plye your Bowle: in which last posture of plying your [...], you shall perceiue many varieties and diuisions, as wringing of the necke, lifting vp of the shoulder, clapping of the hands, lying downe on one side, running after the Bowle, making long [...] scrapes and legs (sometimes bareheaded) entreating him to [...] (with pox on't when tis too short:) and though the bowler be a Gentleman, [...] there hee may méet with attendant [...], that sometimes will be his [...] to foure, [Page] [...] [Page] by his [...] what house hée came; [...], because he being [...] and gotten into some handsome shape, forgets the house he came of, suffering his betters to giue him the often salute whilest hee like [...] neither [...] himselfe, nor will know his superiors. But I hold a mistresse to be the fittest name for it, for there are some that are commonly tearmed [...], which are not much better then mine aunts: and a [...] is oftentimes a marke for euery knaue to haue a [...] at, euery one striues to come so néere her that he would kisse [...]: and yet some are short, some wide, and some ouer, and who so doth kisse, it may perhaps swéeten his lips, but I assure him it shall neuer fill his belly, but rather empty his purse. So much for bowling: that I feare me I haue bowled [...] the [...].

(98)

A Minister riding into the west parts of England, happened to stay at a village on a Sunday, where hee offered kindly to bestow a sermon vpon them: which the Constable hearing, did aske the [...] if he were licenced to preach, yēs quoth he [Page] that I am, and with that hée drew out of a box his [...], [...] was in Latine, truly said the Constable I vnderstand no Latine, yet I pray you let me [...] it, I perhaps shall picke out here and there a word: No good sir, [...] the Minister. I will haue no words [...] out of it, for spoyling my Licence.

(99)
A Clinch.

A Country man being demanded how such a Riuer was called, that ranne through their Country: he answered that they neuer had [...] to call the Riuer, for it alwayes came without calling.

(100)

A Fellow hauing his booke at the Sessions, was burnt in the hand, and was commanded to say God saue the King: the King, said he, God saue my Grandam, that taught me to reade, I am sure I had [...] hanged else.

[Page]

(101)
A toy to mocke an Ape.

IN Quéene Elizabeths [...] there [...] a fellow that [...] a [...] in his hat, like a [...], with a [...] and two letters: this [...] had a [...] from the Lord [...] at that [...] to trauell with an [...] which he [...]; whereby hee [...] his [...] from time to time at markets and [...]: his Ape [...] alwayes [...] vpon a [...] dog and a man with a [...] to attend [...]. It happened that these foure [...] came to a [...] called Looe in Corwall, where the [...] being taken, [...] went about to [...] to the people, that at such an [...] an Ape of [...] and quality, if [...] to [...] their time and [...] to [...] him: [...] the [...], and other [...], [...] to [...] either [...] or [...] Ape-tricks, so that [...] to the [...], to the great [...] of [...] an Apes [...]: [...] collecting [...], [...] to [...] to [...] vpon the [...], whatsoeuer came of it; [...] he [...] [Page] pen, inke, and [...], and [...] a warrant to the Mayor of the towne, as [...].

These are two will and require you, and euery of you, with your wiues and families, that vpon the sight hereof you make your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is an Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised through her Maiesties [...], that by his long expetience amongst her louing subiects, he may be the better enabled to doe her Maiesty seruice hereafter; and hereof fayle you not, as you will answere the contrary. &c.

This Warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a [...] at the [...] end of the [...] to [...] it: which when he heard, [...] all his [...], who went with him to the towne [...] to [...] vpon this [...] busines. [...] after they [...] a [...] of an houre, no man [...], [...] any man knowing [...]: at [...] a young man that neuer [...], said, Gentlemen, it [...] speake, I think (without [...], [...]) [...] this [...]; to [...] the [...] said, I pray good [...], [...] though you neuer did [Page] [...] any [...], yet [...] may speake as [...] as some of [...]. [...], said the young man, my [...] that this Apecarier is a [...], and one that doth purpose to make this [...] a [...] through the whole Kingdome: for, was it euer knowne that a fellow should be so impudent [...] as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a Mayor of a town, to the [...], and that he with his [...], their [...] and families, should be all commanded to come before a I'ack-an-apes? My counsell is that [...] take him and his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and [...] the whole messe or [...] of them out of the towne, which I thinke will [...] much for your credit if you doe.

At which words a [...] man of the towne being much [...], said, My friend you haue spoken little better then treason, for it is the Quéenes Ape, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said master Mayor, I [...] who [...] that [...] fellow come into our company, I pray thée my friend depart, I thinke you long to haue [...] all [...]. So in [...] hee was put out of the [...], for they were no company [Page] for him. Well now what is to bée done in this matter? [...] (said another Senior) we sée by the [...] in the [...] hat that he is the [...] man, and who knowes what power a [...] may haue in the Court to doe [...] men wrong in the Country, let vs goe and [...] the Ape, it is but 2 [...] a péece, and no doubt but [...] wil be well taken, and if it come to [...]; [...] will thinke vs kind people that would [...] so much duty to her Ape, what may she thinke we would doe to her [...] if they came [...]? [...] it is aboue 200 miles to London, and if we should be complained on [...] fetched [...] with [...], whereas now euery man may escape for his 2 pence, [...] warrant it would cost vs 10 [...] a peece at the least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole droue of the townsmen, with [...] and children, went to see the Ape, who was sitting on a table with a [...] about his neck, to whom master Mayor (because it was the [...] Ape) put off his hat, & made a leg, but Iack let him [...]. But mistris [...] cōming next in her clean linnen held her hands before her belly, and like a womā of good bréeding made a low curtsie,

[Page]

[...]

[Page]

[...] [Page] [...], quoth he. I thinke shee bee in a presumption: a consumption thou wouldst say, said the Physitian: I told you before (the fellow replyed) that I doe not vnderstand your allegant spéeches: Well, quoth the Doctor, doth thy wife kéepe her bed? No, truly sir, said he, she sold her bed a fortnight since: verily quoth the Doctor shée is very costiue: Costly said the man, your Worship sayes true, for I haue spent all that I haue vpon her almost. Said the Doctor, I doe not say costly but costiue: and I pray thee tell me, is she loose or bound? Indeed sir, said the man, she is bound to me during her life, and I am bound to her: yea but I pray thée, said the Doctor, tell me in plaine termes how she goes to stoole? truly, said the fellow, in plaine termes shee goes to stoole very strangely, for in the morning it is so hard that your Worship can scarce bite it with your téeth, and at night it is so thin that you might eat it with a spoone.

[Page]

(103)

GOod fellowes hauing well washed their [...] in wine at a [...], [...] of them was very [...] to be gone; to whom another of them said, I pray thée be pàtient, talke no more of going, for [...] thou wilt [...] still but a little, thou shalt [...] that we shall all be gone, though [...] stay here.

(104)

AN [...] who dwelt with a rich [...] he had, was by a Courtier begged for a foole, [...] the foole perceiuing [...] home to his vncles Parlour which was fairly hung with [...] hangings, and in euery one of the hangings was the [...] of a foole wrought: So the Foole watching his opportunty that no body was in the parlour, he tooke a knife and cut the fooles pictures out of euery hanging and went and [...] them in a hay [...], which when his vncle came in [...] saw, be was very angry, demanded who had spoiled his hangings? [...], said the Ideot, I did cut out all the fooles, for there is a great man at Court that hath begged mée for a foole, and hée would haue all [Page] [...] rich [...] can heare of, therefore did I [...] the in all out of your [...], and I [...] did [...] where I thinke he will not [...] in [...].

(105)

A [...] being scoulded at by his Wife would make her [...] hee would [...] himselfe: and as he went toward the [...], his Wife followed him [...] to [...], or at the least to let her [...] with him; [...], quoth hee, speake [...], for I am in [...]; then husband [...], séeing you will drowne your selfe [...] you to take my counsell, which is, that you [...] not your selfe into this [...] place here, for it will [...] my heart to sée [...] long you will [...] a dying: but [...] with me a little way, and I will [...] you a déepe place, where you [...] be dispatched presently.

(106)

A [...] in Scotland lay dying, to [...] her husband said, Wife now [...] art [...] leaue me alone, I pray [...] tell [...] with [...] shall I marry. [Page] She replyed, are you in [...] to [...] the breath [...] out of my [...], then [...] the deuils dam: not [...], I haue had his daughter already, and [...] should match with his [...] too, [...] I should [...] guiltie of [...].

(107

THere was a Gentleman that was of a very [...], so [...], and [...] at all things, and [...] seldome pleased with any [...], and withall was a great [...]: and as [...] time he beat and [...] his man, the [...] ran from him, and told one of his [...] that he thought his master was [...] med into Brawne, for he was all Choller, and that he thought the reason [...] his kicking was, because hee [...] Colts-foot [...] mong his Tobacco.

(108)

A Doctor of [...] in Italy asked a waterman if he might [...] well by water ouer the [...] Po, the fellow told him [...] but the Doctor when he came to the water side and saw it was a little [...], [Page] was very angry, and said, You Watermen are the veriest [...] in the world for [...] you care not to cast a man [...]; to whom the Waterman replyed, Sir it appeares we are men of a cheaper function and better conscience then you; for you sometimes will not cast a man away vnder 40, 50, or 100 crownes.

(109)

ONe borrowed a cloack of a gentleman, and met one that knew him, who said I thinke I know that cloake: it may be so, said the other, I borrowed it of such a gentleman: the other told him that it was too short: yea but quoth he that had the cloake, I will haue it long enougth before I bring it home a gaine.

(110)

A Poore womans husband was to bee hanged at the towne of Lancaster and on the excution day [...] entreated the [...] to bée good to her [...] stand her friend: the [...] said that hee could doe her no hurt, for her husband was condemned and iudged by the law, and therefore [...] suffer. Ah good master Shrieue [Page] said the woman, it is not his life that I aske, but because I haue farre home, and my mare is old and stiffe, therfore I would entreat you to doe me the fauour to let my husband be hanged first.

(111

ONe came into a Colledge in an Uniuersity, and asked how many Fellowes belonged to the house: another replyed, that there were more good fellowes then good [...] two to one.

(112(

A Fellow being drunke was brought before a Iustice, who committed him to [...]: and the next day when he was to be discharged he was to come to the Iustice againe, who said to him, Sirrah you were not [...] the last night: [...] Worship sayes true, said the fellow. Yea but you were drunke, said the Iustice, and you did abuse me, and said I was a wise Iustice: the fellow replyed, If I said [...] I thinke I was drunke indéed, and I cry your Worship mercy, for I will neuer doe you that wrong when I am sober.

[Page]

(113)

A [...] eye chanced to [...] a man in the field, [...] hath [...], the other man [...] the [...] the [...], whereat the [...] man suddenly cast downe his Rapier [...] Buenas noches, which in the Spanish tongue is goodnight.

FINIS

[Page]

Information about this book

Title statement

Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet.

Taylor, John, 1580-1653.

Edition statement

1628

Publication

Publisher

Text Creation Partnership,

Place of publication

Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) :

Date

2003-01 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1).

ID [DLPS]

A13520

ID [STC]

STC 23813.7

ID [STC]

ESTC S3387

ID [EEBO-CITATION]

33143398

ID [OCLC]

ocm 33143398

ID [VID]

28446

Availability

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

Series

Early English books online.

Notes

(EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13520)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 28446)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1884:6)

Source

— Wit and mirth chargeably collected out of tauernes, ordinaries, innes, bowling greenes, and allyes, alehouses, tobacco shops, highwaies, and water-passages : made vp, and fashioned into clinches, bulls, quirkes, yerkes, quips, and ierkes : apothegmatically bundled vp and garbled at the request of old Iohn Garrets ghost / by Iohn Taylor, water-poet., Taylor, John, 1580-1653..

Extent

[48] p.

For Henrie Gosson, and are to sold at Christ-Church gate,. Printed at London :: 1628.. (Signatures: A-C⁸.) (Reproduction of original in: Harvard University. Library.)

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