Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth.

Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth.

Table of contents

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Title page

Tarltons Court-Witty Iests.

How Tarlton plaid the Drunkard before the Queene.

How Tarlton deceiued the Watch in Fleetstreet.

How Tarlton flowted a Lady in the Court.

Tarltons opinion of Oysters.

Tarltons resolution of a question

How a parsonage fell into Tarltons hands.

How Tarlton Proued two Gentlewomen dishonest by their owne words.

How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman.

How Tarlton dared a Lady.

How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds haven.

How Tarlton fought with blacke Davie.

How Tarlton answered the VVatchmen, comming from the Court.

Tarltons answer to a Courtier.

Tarltons quip for a yong Courtier.

Tarltons answere to a Noblemans question.

Tarltons Iest to an vnthrifty Courtier.

How Tarlton flouted two Gallants.

Tarltons sound City Iests.

Tarltons iest of a red face.

A sudden and dangerous fray, twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton, which he put off with a iest.

Tarltons Iest of a Pippin.

A iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face.

How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out.

How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarltons apparell.

Of Tarlton and a beggar.

How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physicke.

How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow.

How Tarlton was deceiued by his Wife in London.

One askt Tarlton what country man the Diuell was.

A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton.

Tarltons answere to a rich Londoner.

How Tarlton gaue away his dinner.

Tarltons answere to a boy in a Rime.

How Tarlton bad himselfe to dinner to my Lord Maiors.

Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare.

Tarltons Iest to two Tailors.

How Tarlton iested at his wife.

How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward.

How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him.

Tarltons greeting with Banks his Horse.

An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken.

Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street.

A Iest of Tarlton, prouing Mustard to haue wit.

How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it.

Tarltons pretty Countrey Iests.

Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Wood-cock.

Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron.

Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose.

Tarltons Iest of a Bristow man.

A Iest broke of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman.

How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forsweare drunkennesse.

How Tarlton saued his head from cutting off.

How Tarlton escaped imprisonment.

How Tarlton deceived a Country Wench.

How Tarlton went to kill Crowes.

How a poore Begger-man ouer-reached Tarlton by his wit.

Of Tarltons pleasant answer to a Gallant by the high-way side.

How Tarlton would haue drowned his Wife.

How Tarlton made his Will and Testament.

How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft.

Tarltons Iest of a Country Wench.

How Tarlton deceived an Inne-holder at Sandwich.

Of Tarltons Wrongfull accusation.

Tarlton deceived by a Country wench.

How Tarlton could not abide a Cat, and deceiued himselfe.

How Tarlton and his Oastesse of Waltham met.

Tarltons meeting with his Countrey acquaintance at Ilford.

How a Maid drave Tarlton to a Non-plus.

Tarltons answere to a question.

Tarltons desire of enough for money.

How Tarltons Dogge lickt vp six pence.

Tarltons Iest of a Horse and a Man.

Tarltons talke with a pretty Woman.

A Iest of Tarlton to a great man.

Tarltons Iest to a maid in the darke.

Tarltons Iest to a Dogge.

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RICHARD TARLTON.

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Tarltons Jests.

Drawne into these three parts.

1 His Court-witty Iests.

2 His sound City Iests.

3 His Countrey pretty Iests.

Full of delight, Wit, and honest Mirth.

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LONDON, Printed by I. H. for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the signe of the Beare. 1638.

Tarltons Court-Witty Iests.

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How Tarlton plaid the Drunkard before the Queene.

THE Quéene being discontented; which Tarlton perceiuing, took vpon him to delight her with some quaint iest: whereupon he counterfaited a drunkard, and called for Béere, which was brought immediately. Her Maiestie noting his humor, commanded that he should haue no more: for (quoth shée) he will play the beast, and so shame himselfe. Feare not you (quoth Tarlton) for your Béere is small enough. Whereat her Maiestie laughed heartily, and commanded that he should haue enough.

How Tarlton deceiued the Watch in Fleetstreet.

TArlton hauing bin late at Court, & cōming homewards thorow Fléetstréet, he espied the Watch, and not knowing how to passe them, hée went very fast, thinking by that meanes to goe vnexmained: But the Watchmen perceiuing that hee shunned them, stept to him, & commanded him in the Queenes name to stand. Stand, quoth Tarlton? let them stand that can, for I cannot. So falling downe, as though he had been drunke, they helpt him vp, and so let him passe.

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How Tarlton flowted a Lady in the Court.

VPon a time, Tarlton being among certaine Ladies at a banquet which was at Greenewich, the Quéene then lying there, one of the Ladies had her face ful of pimples with heat at her stomake, for which cause she refused to drinke wine amongst the rest of the Ladies: which Tarlton perceiuing (for he was there of purpose to iest amongst them) quoth he, A marren of that face, which makes all the body fare the worse for it. At which the rest of the Ladies laught, and she (blushing for shame) left the banquet.

Tarltons opinion of Oysters.

CErtaine Noblemen and Ladies of the Court, being eating of Oysters, one of them séeing Tarlton, called him, & asked him if he loued Oysters? No (quoth Tarlton) for they be vngodly meate, vncharitable meat, and vnprofitable meate. Why, quoth the Courtiers; They are vngodly, sayes Tarlton, because they are eaten without grace, vncharitable, because they leaue nought but shelles: and vnprofitable, because they must swim in wine.

Tarltons resolution of a question

ONe of the company taking the Gentlemans part, asked Tarlton at what time he thought the Diuell to be most busied? When the Pope dies, (quoth he.) Why saies the Courtier? Marry (answered he) then all the Deuils are troubled and busied to plague him: for he hath sent many a soule before him thither, that exclaime against him.

How a parsonage fell into Tarltons hands.

HEr Maiestie dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers, the Lords were very desirous that she would [Page] vouchsafe to stay all night: but nothing could preuaile with her. Tarlton was in his Clownes apparell, being all dinner while in the presence with her, to make her merry: and hearing the sorrow that the Noblemen made, that they could not worke her stay: he asked the Nobles what they would giue him to worke her stay? The Lords promised him any thing, to performe it. Quoth he Procure me the Parsonage of Shard. They caused the patent to be drawne presently: he got on a Parsons gowne and a corner-Cap, & standing vpon the staires, where the Quéene should descend, he repeated these words: A Parson, or no Parson? A Parson, or no Parson: but after she knew his meaning, shée not only stayd all night, but the next day willed hée should haue possession of the Benefice. A madder Parson was neuer, for he threatned to turne the Bell-mettle into lyning for his purse: which he did, the Parsonage and all, into ready money.

How Tarlton Proued two Gentlewomen dishonest by their owne words.

TArlton séeing in Gréenwich two Gentlewomen in the Garden together, to moue mirth comes to them, and enquires thus: Gentlewomen, which of you two is the honester? I, sayes the one, I hope without exceptions: and I quoth the other, since we must speake for our selues: so then sayes Tarlton, one of you by your own words is dishonese, one being honester then the other, else you would answere otherwise: but as I found you, so I leaue you.

How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman.

A Gentlewoman merrily disposed, being crost by Tarlton, and halfe angry, said, Sirra, a little thing would make mée requite you with a cuffe. With a cuff, Lady, sayes Tarlton? so would you spell my sorrow forward: but spell my sorrow backward, then cuffe me and spare not: [Page] when the Gentlemen by considered of the word, they laughing, made the simple-meaning Gentlewoman to blush for shame.

How Tarlton dared a Lady.

AT the Dinner in the great Chamber where Tarlton iested, the Ladies were daring one another: quoth one, I euer durst do any thing that is honest and Honourable. A French crowne of that, sayes Tarlton. Ten pound of that sayes the Lady. Done, sayes one, Done sayes another. Tarlton put two pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to take it away with her lips. Fie, sayes shée, that is immodesty. What to kisse, sayes Tarlton? then immodesty beares a great hand ouer all: but once in your life say, you haue béene beaten at your owne weapon. Well, Sir, sayes shee, you may say any thing. Then sayes Tarlton, remember, I say you dare not, and so my wager is good.

How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds haven.

TArlton being one Sunday at Court all day, caused a paire of Oares to tend him, who at night called on him to be gone. Tarlton being a carousing, drunk so long to the Watermen, that one of them was bumpsie, and so indéede were all thrée for the most part: at last they left Gréenwich, the Tide being at a great low fall▪ the Watermen yet afraide of the Crosse Cables by the Lime-house, very dark and late as it was, landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-hauen, and said, the next day they would giue him a reason for it: But Tarlton was faine to goe by land to Redriffe on the dirty banke, euery step knée-déepe: so that cōming home, hée called one of his boyes to help him off with his boots, meaning his stockings, which were died of another colour. Whereupon one gaue him this theame the next day:

Tarlton, tell mee: for fayne would I know,

If thou wert landed at Cuckholds-haven or no?

[Page] Tarlton answered thus:

Yes, Sir, and I tak't in, no scorne:

For many land there yet misse of the horne.

How Tarlton fought with blacke Davie.

NOt long since liued a little swaggerer: called Blacke Davie, who would at Sword and Buckler fight with any Gentleman or other, for twelue pence: he being hired to draw vpon Tarlton, for breaking a iest vpon huffing Kate, a Punke, as men termed her: one euening, Tarlton comming forth at the Court gate, being at Whitehall, and walking toward the Tilt-yard, this Davie immediately drew vpon Tarlton: who on the sudden, though amazed, drew likewise, and enquired the cause: which Davie denied, till they had fought a bout or two. Tarlton couragiously got within him, and taking him in his armes, threw him into the Tilt-yard, who falling vpon his nose, broke it extremely, that euer after he snuffled in the head; poore Dauie lying all that night in the Tilt- yard, expecting the doores to be opened came forth, and at the Barber-surgeons told of this bloody combat: and the occasion of it was (quoth he) because Tarlton being in a Tauerne, in the company of this-damnable Cackatrice, huffing Kate, called for wine, but she told him, That without he would burne it, she would not drink. No quoth Tarlton, it shall be burnt, for thou canst burne it without fire. As how Sir (quoth she?) Mary thus. Take the Cup in thine hand, and I will tell thée. So he filling the cup in her hand, said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place: shée perceiuing her selfe so slouted, hired me to be her Champion, to reuenge her quarrell.

How Tarlton answered the VVatchmen, comming from the Court.

TArlton hauing plaied before the Quéene till one a clock at midnight, comming homewards, one of them [Page] espied him, called him, Sirra what art thou? A woman, sayes Tarlton. Nay, that is a lye, say the Watchmen; women haue no such beards. Tarlton replyed, if I should haue said a man, that you know to be true, and would haue bidden me, tel you that you know not, therefore I said a woman, and so I am all woman, hauing pleased the Quéen, being a woman. Well, sirra, sayes another, I present the Queene: then am I a woman, indeed, sayes Tarlton, as well as you, for you haue a beard as well as I, and truly Mistris Annis, my buske is not done yet: when will yours? leaue thy gibing, fellow, saith the Watch, the Queenes will is, That whosoeuer is taken without doores after ten a clocke, shall bee committed, and now it is past one: commit all such, sayes Tarlton, for if it be past one a clocke, it will not be ten this eight houres: with that one lifts vp his Lanthorne, and lookes him in the face, and knew him; Indeed M. Tarlton you haue more wit then all we, for it is true, that ten was before one, but now one is before ten. It is true, quoth Tarlton, Watch-men had wont to haue more wit, but for want of sléepe they are turned fooles: so Tarlton stole from them: and they to séeme wise, went home to bed.

Tarltons answer to a Courtier.

TArlton being at the Court all night, in the morning he met a great Courtier cōming from his Chamber, who espying Tarlton, said: Good morrow, M. Didimus and Tridimus: Tarlton being somewhat abashed, not knowing the meaning thereof, said, Sir, I vnderstand you not, expound, I pray you. Quoth the Courtier, Didimus and Tridimus, is a foole and a knaue: you ouerloade me, replied Tarlton, for my backe cannot beare both; therefore take you the one, and I will take the other, take you the knaue, and I will carry the foole with me.

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Tarltons quip for a yong Courtier.

THere was a young Gentleman in the Court, that had first lien with the Mother, and after with the Daughter, and hauing so done, asked Tarlton what it resembled: quoth he, As if you should first haue eaten the Hen, and afer, the Chicken.

Tarltons answere to a Noblemans question.

THere was a Nobleman that asked Tarlton what hée thought of Souldiers in time of Peace. Marry (quoth he) they are like Chimnies in Summer.

Tarltons Iest to an vnthrifty Courtier.

THere was an vnthriftie Gallant belonging to the Court, that had borrowd fiue pounds of Tarlton: but hauing lost it at Dice, he sent his man to Tarlton to borrow fiue pounds more, by the same token hée owed him already fiue pounds. Pray tel your Master (quoth Tarlton) that if he will send me the token, I will send him the money: for who deceiues me once, God forgiue him: if twice, God forgiue him: but if thrice, God forgiue him, but not me, because I could not beware.

How Tarlton flouted two Gallants.

TArlton being in a merry vaine, as hée walked in the great Hall in Greenwitch, hée met my old Lord Chamberlaine, going betwéene two fantasticke Gallants, and cryed aloud vnto him, my Lord, my Lord, you goe in great danger: whereat amazed, hée asked whereof: of drowning (quoth Tarlton) were it not for those two bladders vnder each of your armes.

Tarltons sound City Iests.

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Tarltons iest of a red face.

TO an Ordinary in White Fryers, where Gentlemen vsed, by reason of extraordinary diet, to this Tarlton often frequented, as well to continue acquaintance as to please his appetite. It chanced [...]o vpon a time (especially) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants, they enquired of him, why melancholy had got the vpper hand of his mirth; to which he said little, but with a squint eye (as custome had made him hare eyed) hée looked for a Iest to make them merry. At last hée espied one that sate on his left side, which had a very red face, he being a very great Gentleman, (which was all one to Tarlton) hée presently in great haste called his Host: Who doe I serue (my Host) quoth Tarlton; The Quéenes Maiestie, replied the Good man of the house. How happens it then, quoth Tarlton, that (to her Maiesties disgrace) you dare make me a companion with Seruingmen, clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sléeue, looking at the Gentleman with the red face; mée thinkes, quoth he, it fits like the Saracens head without Newgate. The Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt like Erna for anger. The rest laughed heartily. In the end (all enraged) the Gentleman swore to fight with him at next méeting.

A sudden and dangerous fray, twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton, which he put off with a iest.

AS Tarlton and others passed along Fléet-stréet, he espied a spruse yong Gallant, black of complexion, with long haire hanging downe ouer his eares, and his [Page] beard of the Italian cut, in white Sattin, very quaintly cut, and his body so stiffely starcht, that he could not bend himselfe any way for no gold. Tarlton, séeing such a wonder comming, trips before him, and méeting this Gallant, tooke the wall of him, knowing that one so proud, at least looked for the prerogatiue. The Gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall, or so much indignifie him, turnes himselfe, and presently drew his Rapier. Tarlton, drew likewise. The Gentleman fell to it roundly: but Tarlton (in his owne defence) compassing and trauersing his ground, gaped with a wide mouth, whereat the people laughed: the Gentleman pausing, enquired why he gaped so, O Sir, saies he, in hope to swallow you; for by my troth you séeme to me like a Prune in a messe of white Broth. At this the people parted them. The Gentleman noting his mad humour, went his way wel contented: for he knew not how to amend it.

Tarltons Iest of a Pippin.

AT the Bull in Bishops-gate-street, where the Quéenes Players oftentimes played, Tarlton comming on the Stage, one from the Gallery threw a Pippin at him. Tarlton tooke vp the Pip, and looking on it, made this sudden iest.

Pip in, or nose in, chuse you whether,

Put yours in, ere I put in the other.

Pippin you haue put in: then, for my grace,

Would I might put your nose in another place.

A iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face.

TArlton hauing flouted the fellow for his pippin which hée threw, hée thought to beméet with Tarlton at length. So in the Play Tarltons part was to trauell, who knéeling down to aske his father blessing, the fellow threw an Apple at him, which hit him on the chéek. Tarlton taking vp the Apple, made this iest.

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Gentleman, this fellow, with this face of Mapple,

Instead of a pipin, hath throwne me an Apple,

But as for an Apple, he hath cast a Crab,

So in stead of an honest woman, God hath sent him a drab.

The people laughed heartily, for he had a Queane to his wife.

How Tarlton and one in the Gallery fell out.

IT chanced that in the midst of a Play, after long expectation for Tarlton: being much desired of the people, at length hée came forth: where (at his entrance) one in the Gallerie pointed his finger at him, saying to a friend that had neuer séene him, that is he. Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion giuen him, and séeing the man point with the finger, he in loue againe held vp two fingers: the captious fellow, iealous of his wife, (for he was married) and because a Player did it, took the matter more hainously, & asked him why he made hornes at him; No (quoth Tarlton they be fingers:

For there is no man, Which in loue to me,

Lends me one finger, but he shall have three.

No, no, sayes the fellow, you gaue me the hornes. True (sayes Tarlton) for my fingers are tipt with nailes, which are like hornes, and I must make a shew of that which you are sure of. This matter grew so, that the more he meddled, the more it was for his disgrace: wherefore the standers by counselled him to depart, both hée and his hornes, lest his cause grew desperate. So the poore fellow, plucking his hat ouer his eyes, went his wayes.

How Fiddlers fiddled away Tarltons apparell.

IT chanced that one Fancy and Nancy, two Musicians in London, vsed often with their boyes to visit Tarlton, when he dwelt in Gracious-street at the signe of the Saba, [Page] a Tauerne, he being one of their best friends or benefactors, by reason of old acquaintance: to requite which, they came one Summers morning to play him The Hunt's vp, with such Musicke as they had. Tarlton, to requite them, would open his chamber doore, and for their paines would giue them Muskadine: which a Cony-catcher noting, and séeing Tarlton came forth in his shirt and nightgowne to drinke with these Musicians, the while this nimble fellow stept in, and tooke Tarltons apparell, which euery day he wore, thinking that if he were espied to turne it to a iest: but it past for currant, and he goes his wayes. Not long after Tarlton returned to his chamber, & looked for his cloaths: but they were safe enough from him. The next day this was noised abroad, and one in mockage threw him in this theame, he playing then at the Curtaine:

Tarlton, I will tell thee a iest,

Which after turned to earnest:

One there was, as I heard say,

Who in his shirt heard Musicke play,

While all his clothes were stolne away.

Tarlton smiling at this, answered on the sudden thus,

That's certaine, Sir, it is no lie

That same one in truth was I,

When that the theefe shall Pine and lacke,

Then shall I haue cloathes to my backe:

And I, together with my fellowes,

May see them ride to Tiborne Gallowes.

Of Tarlton and a beggar.

TThere was a poore begger but a conceited fellow, who séeing Tarlton at his doore, asked somthing of him for Gods cause. Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket, gaue him two pence in stead of a penny: at which Tarlton made this Ryme; [Page]

Of all the Beggers most happy thou art,

For to thee mine hand is better then my heart.

Quoth the Begger.

True it is, Master, as it chanceth now:

The better for me, and the worse for you.

How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of Physicke.

TArlton, to satisfie the humours of certaine Gentlemen his familiar acquaintance, went about for to try the skil of a simple Doctor of Physick, that dwelt not far from Islington, and thus it was: he tooke a faire Urinal, and filled it halfe full of good Wine, and bore it to this Doctor, saying it was a sick mans water: he viewed it, and tossing it vp and downe, as though he had great knowledge: quoth he, the Patient whose water it is, is full of grosse humors, and hath néede of purging, and to be let some ten ounces of bloud. No, you Dunce, replyed Tarlton, it is good pisse, and with that drunke it off, and threw the Urinall at his head.

How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow.

TArlton passing through London, by chance he heard a simple Country fellow in an Ale-house, calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale, stept in to him, and threatned to accuse him of treason, saying Sirra, I haue séene and tasted of a penny pot of Ale, and haue found good of the price, but of a Kingstone coyne I neuer heard: therefore it is some counterfet, and I must know how thou camest by it: hereupon, the country fellow was driuen into such a maze, that out of doores he got, and tooke him to his héeles, as though wilde-fire had followed him.

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How Tarlton was deceiued by his Wife in London.

TArlton, being merrily disposed as his Wife and he sate together, he said vnto her, Kate, answer me to one question, without a lye, and take this crown of gold: which shée took on condition, that if she lost, to restore it back again. Quoth Tarlton, am I a Cuckold or no, Kate; Whereat shée answered not a word, but stood silent, notwithstanding he vrged her many waies. Tarlton séeing she would not speak, askt his gold againe. Why, quoth shée, haue I made any lye; no, sayes Tarlton: why then good man foole, I haue won the wager. Tarlton mad with anger, made this Rime.

As women in speech can reuile a man;

So can they in silence beguile a man.

One askt Tarlton what country man the Diuell was.

IN Carter Lane dwelt a merry Cobler, who being in company with Tarlton, askt him what Country-man the Diuell was; quoth Tarlton, a Spaniard: for Spaniards like the Diuel, trouble the whole world.

A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton.

IN time of scarsity, a simple Chéese-monger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit came vnto him and asked him, why he thought Chéese and Butter to be so [...]re; Tarlton answered, Because Wood and Coales are so [...]re, for Butter and Chéese a man may eate without a fire.

Tarltons answere to a rich Londoner.

TArlton méeting a rich Londoner, fell into talke about the Bishop of Peterborough, highly praising his bountie [Page] to his seruants, his liberality to strangers, his great hospitality and charity to the poore. He doth well, sayes the rich man, for what he hath, he hath but during his life. Why (quoth Tarlton) for how many liues haue you your goods?

How Tarlton gaue away his dinner.

AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner, his wife being displeased with him, and thinking to crosse him, she gaue away halfe his meat vnto a poore Begger, saying, Take this for my other husbands sake. Whereupon Tarlton tooke all that was left, and likewise bade the poore fellow to pray for his other wiues soule.

Tarltons answere to a boy in a Rime.

THere was a crackrope Boy, méeting Tarlton in London stréet, sung this Rime vnto Tarlton:

Woe worth thee Tarlton,

That euer thou wast borne:

Thy Wife hath made thee Cuckold,

And thou must weare the horne.

Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie.

What and if I be (Boy)

Ime ne're the worse:

She keepes me like a Gentleman,

With mony in my purse.

How Tarlton bad himselfe to dinner to my Lord Maiors.

A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine: & thought he, in all that a man does, let him aime at the fairest: [Page] for sure if I bid my selfe any where this day, it shall be to my Lords Maiors: and vpon this goes to the Counter, and entered his action against my Lord Maior, who was presently told of it, and sends for him. Tarlton waits dinner time, and then comes, who was admitted presently. Master Tarlton (saies my Lord Maior) haue you entered an action against me in the Poultry Counter? My Lord (saies Tarlton) haue you entred an action against mée in Woodstréet Counter? Not I in troth, saies my Lord. No (saies Tarlton) he was a villaine that told me so then: but if it bée not so, forgiue me this fault, my Lord, and I will neuer offend in the next. But in the end he begins to sweare, how he will be reuenged on him that mockt him, and flings out in a rage. But my Lord said, Stay, M. Tarlton, dine with me, and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded. I will try that, my Lord, saies Tarlton, and if it alter mine anger, both mine enemy and I will thanke you together for this courtesie.

Tarltons Iest of a box on the eare.

ONe that fell out with his friend, méetes him in the stréet, and calling him into a corner, gaue him a box on the eare, and feld him, getting him gone, and neuer told wherefore he did so: which Tarlton beholding, raised vp the fellow, and asked him the reason of their suddē falling out. Can you tell, Sir, said the fellow? for by my troth as yet I cannot. Well said Tarlton, the more foole you: for had I such féeling of the cause, my wit would remember the iniurie: but many men are goslings; the more they féele, the lesse they conceiue.

Tarltons Iest to two Tailors.

TArlton méeting two Tailors (friends of his) in the euening in mirth cries, Who goes there, A man, answered a Tailor: How many is there? one? Yea, said Tarlton: two, said the other Tailor: then you say true, [Page] said Tarlton: for two Tailors goe to a man. But before they parted, they foxt Tarlton at the Castle in Pater noster Row, that Tarlton confest them two Tailors to be honest men. So what they spent in the purse, they got in the person, Comming but one, by Tarltons account, they returned, two. But Tarlton comming one, returned lesse by his wit▪ for that was shrunk in the wetting.

How Tarlton iested at his wife.

TArlton and his wife kéeping an Ordinary in Paternoster Row, were bidden out to Supper: and because he was a man noted, shée would not goe with him in the stréet, but intreats him to kéepe one side, and she another: which he consented to. But as he went, hée would cry out to her, and say, Turne that way, wife: and anon, On this side, wife. So the people flockt the more to laugh at them. But his wife (more than mad angry) goes back againe, and almost forswore his company.

How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to ward.

WHen Tarlton dwelt in Gracious street, at a Tauern at the signe of the Saba, he was chosen Scauenger, and often the Ward complained of his slacknesse, in kéeping the stréets cleane. So on a time when the Cart came, he asked the Raker why he did his businesse so slackly? Sir (said he) my fore-horse was in the fault, who being let bloud and drencht yesterday, I durst not labour him. Sir (said Tarlton) your horse shall smart for it: and so leads him to the Counter: which the Raker laught at, and (without his horse) did his worke with the rest, thinking Tarltons humour was but to iest, and would returne him his horse againe anon. But when that anon came, hée was faine to pay all his fées of the Prison, as directly as if hee himselfe had béene there. For if Tarlton had committed the Master, the businesse had not gone forward: therefore the horse was in prison for the Master.

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How Tarlton made Armin his adopted sonne to succeed him.

TArlton kéeping a Tauerne in Gracious-street, hee let it to another, who was indebted to Armins Master, a Goldsmith in Lombard-street, yet he himselfe had a chamber in the same house. And this Armin (being then a wag) came often thither to demand his Masters money, which he sometimes had, and sometimes had not. In the end the man growing poore, told the boy hée had no money for his Master, and hée must beare with him. The mans name being Charles Armin, made this Uerse, writing it with Chalke on a Waine-scot.

O world, why wilt thou lye?

Is this Charles the great? that I deny.

Indeed Charles the great before:

But now Charles the lesse, being poore.

Tarlton comming into the roome, reading it, and partly acquainted with the boyes humour, comming often thither for his Masters money, tooke a péece of Chalk, and wrote this Ryme by it:

A wagge thou art, none can preuent thee;

And thy desert shall content thee,

Let me diuine: As I am, so in time thou'lt be the same,

My adopted sonne therefore be,

To enioy my Clownes sute after me.

And sée how it fell out. The boy reading this, so loued Tarlton after, that regarding him with more respect, hée vsed to his Playes, and fell in a league with his humour: and priuate practice brought him to present playing, and at this houre performes the same, where, at the Globe on the Banks side men may sée him.

Tarltons greeting with Banks his Horse.

THere was one Banks (in the time of Tarlton) who serued the Earle of Essex and had a Horse of strange qualities: [Page] and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious-street, getting mony with him, as he was mightily resorted to; Tarlton then (with his fellowes) playing at the Bell by, came into the Crosse-keyes (amongst many people (to sée fashions: which Banks perceiuing (to make the people laugh) saies Signior (to his horse) Go fetch me the veryest foole in the company. The Iade comes immediately, and with his mouth drawes Tarlton forth. Tarlton (with merry words) said nothing but God a mercy Horse. In the end Tarlton séeing the people laugh so, was angry inwardly, & said, Sir, had I power of your horse, as you haue, I would doe more than that. What ere it be, said Banks (to please him) I will charge him to do it. Then (saies Tarlton) charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company. He shall (saies Bankes,) Signior (saies he) bring Master Tarlton here the veriest whore-master in the company. The Horse leades his Master to him. Then god a mercy horse indeed, saies Tarlton. The people had much ado to kéep peace; but Bankes and Tarlton had like to haue squar'd and the horse by to giue aime. But euer after it was a by-word thorow London, God a mercy Horse, and is to this day.

An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken.

AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a Play of Henry the fift, wherein the Iudge was to take a box on the eare, and because he was absent that should take the blow, Tarlton himselfe (euer forward to please) tooke vpon him to play the same Iudge, besides his owne part of the Clowne: and Knel then playing Henry the fift, hit Tarlton a sound boxe indeed, which made the people laugh the more because it was he: but anon the Iudge goes in, and immediately Tarlton (in his Clownes cloathes) comes out, and askes the Actors what newes; O (saith one) hadst thou béen here, thou shouldest haue séene Prince Henry hit the Iudge a terrible box on the eare. What man, said Tarlton [Page] strike a Iudge? It is true yfaith, said the other, No other like, said Tarlton, and it could not be but terrible to the Iudge, when the report so terrifies me, that me thinkes the blow remaines still on my chéeke, that it burnes againe, The people laught at this mightily: and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare, but no maruell, for he had many of these: But I would sée our Clowns in these dayes doe the like: no I warrant ye, and yet they thinke well of themselues too.

Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street.

A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the stréet, and said, Master Tarlton, who liues longest? Mary Boy, saies Tarlton, he that dies latest: and why dye men so fast, said the Boy? Because they want breath, said Tarlton: no, rather said the Boy, because their time is come: thē thy time is come, said Tarlton, sée who comes yonder: Who? said the Boy? Mary, said Tarlton, Bull the Hangman: or one that would willingly be thy hangman: Nay, hang me thē, if I imploy him at this time, said the Boy. Well, said Tarlton, then thou wilt be hanged by thy owne confession: and so they parted.

A Iest of Tarlton, prouing Mustard to haue wit.

TArlton kéeping an Ordinary in Paternoster row and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry, would approue Mustard (standing before them) to haue wit: how so saies one? It is like a witty scold, méeting another scold, knowing that scold will scold, begins to scold first: so saies he, the Mustard being lickt vp, and knowing that you will bite it, begins to bite you first. Ile try that, saies a Gull by, and the Mustard so tickled him, that his eyes watered. How now, saies Tarlton, does my iest sauour? I saies the Gull, and bite too: if you had had better wit, saies Tarlton, you would haue bit first: so then conclude with me, [Page] that dumbe vnféeling. Mustard hath more wit than a talking vnféeling foole, as you are. Some were pleased, and some were not, but all Tarltons care was taken (for his resolution was euer) before he talkt any Iest.

How Tarlton tooke Tobacco at the first comming up of it.

TArlton (as other Gentlemen vsed) at the first comming vp of Tobacco, did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise, and being in a roome, set betwéen two men ouercome with Wine, and they neuer séeing the like, wondred at it; and séeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose cryed out, Fire, fire, and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face, Make no more stirre, quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched: if the Sheriffes come, it will turne to a fine, as the custome is. And drinking that againe, Fie, sayes the other, what a stinke it makes? I am almost poysoned. If it offend, saies Tarlton, let's euery one take a little of the smell, and so the sauour will quickly goe: but Tobacco whiffes made them leaue him to pay all.

Tarltons pretty Countrey Iests.

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Tarltons wit betweene a Bird and a Wood-cock.

IN the City of Glocester, M. Bird of the Chappell met with Tarlton, who ioyfull to regréet other, went to visit his friends: amongst the rest, M. Bird of the Quéenes Chappell, visited M. Wood-cock of the Colledge, where méeting, many friendly spéeches past, amongst which, M. Wood-cock challenged M. Bird of Kin: who mused that hee was of his affinity, and hee neuer knew it. Yes sayes M. Wood-cock, euery Wood-cock is a Bird, therefore it must needs be so. Lord Sir, sayes Tarlton, you are wide, for though euery Wood-cock be a Bird, yet euery Bird is not a Wood-cock. So Master Wood-cock like a Wood-cock bit his lip, and mumbudget was silent.

Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron.

WHile the Quéenes Players lay in Worcester City to get money, it was his custome for to sing extempore of Theames giuen him: amongst which they were appointed to play the next day: now one fellow of the City amongst the rest, that séemed quaint of conceit, to lead other youths with his fine wit, gaue out, that the next day hee would giue him a Theam, to put him to a non plus: diuers of his friends acquainted with the same, expected some rare conceit. Well, the next day came, and my Gallant gaue him his inuention in two lines, which was this:

Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit,

To see a Gridiron turne the Spit.

[Page] The people laughed at this, thinking his wit knew no answere thereunto, which angred Tarlton excéedingly, and presently with a smile looking about, when they expected wonders, he put it off thus.

Me thinkes it is a thing vnfit:

To see an Asse haue any wit.

The people hooted for ioy, to sée the Theame-giuer dasht, who like a dog with his taile betwéene his legs, left the place: But such commendations Tarlton got, that hée sapt with the Bailiffe that night, where my Theamer durst not come, although he were sent for, so much he vexed at that vnlookt for answer.

Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose.

I Remember I was once at a play in the Country, where as Tarltons vse was, the play being done, euery one so pleased to throw vp his Theame: amongst all the rest, one was read to this effect, word by word:

Tarlton, I am one of thy friends, and none of thy foes.

Then I prethee tell how cam'st by thy flat nose:

Had I beene present at that time on those banks,

I would haue laid my short sword ouer his long shankes

Tarlton, mad at this question, as it was his property, sooner to take such a matter ill then well, very suddenly returned him this answere:

Friend or foe, if thou wilt needs know, marke me well,

With parting dogs & bears, then by the ears, this chance fell:

But what of that? though my nose be flat, my credit to saue,

Yet very well, I can by the smell,

scent an honest man from a Knave.

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Tarltons Iest of a Bristow man.

WHen the Quéenes Players were restrained in Summer, they trauelled downe to S. Iames his Faire, at Bristow, where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners, and those Citizens: It hapned that a wealthy Citizen, called M. Sunbanke, one morning secretly married his maid; but not so secret, but it was blowne abroad▪ That morning Tarlton and others walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London, & béeing in company of Bristow men, they did sée M. Sunbanke comming, who had his property with his necke, not to stirre it any way but to turne body and all. It chanced at the Faire end, hée stood to pisse against a wall: to whome Tarlton came, and clapping him on the shoulder, God giue you joy of your marriage, saies he, M. Sunbanke, being taken pissing against the wall would haue looked back to thank him, and suddenly turnes about body and all in the view of many, and shewed all: which so abasht him that (ashamed) hée tooke into a Tauerne, protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound. Sure (said the Uintner) the fault is in your necke, which will not turn without the bodies assistance, and not in M. Tarlton. Call you him M. Tarlton, saies M. Sunbanke? Yea, Sir, sayes the Uintner, he is the Quéenes Iester. He may be whose Iester hée will bée, but this iest agrées not with me at this time, saies M. Sunbanke.

A Iest broke of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman.

IN the country where the Quéens Plaiers were accepted into a Gentlemans house, the waggon vnlading of the apparell, the wagoner comes to Tarlton, and doth desire him to speake to the Steward for his horses. I will, saies he: and comming to the Steward, Sir, saies Tarlton, where shall our horses spend the time? The Gentleman [Page] looking at Tarlton at that question suddenly answered, If it please you, or them, let them walke a turne or two, or there is a faire garden, let them play a game or two at bowles in the Alley: and departs thence about his other businesse. Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the Steward, saith little. But my Steward not quiet, tels to the Gentlewomen aboue, how he had driuen Tarlton to a non plus with a iest, whereat they all did laugh heartily: which a Seruingman louing Tarlton well, ran and told him as much. Tarlton, to adde fuell to the fire, and loth to rest thus put off with a iest, goes and gets two of the horses into the garden, & turnes them into the bowling Alley, who with their héeles made hauock: being the Gentlemans only pastime. The Ladies aboue from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley▪ call the Knight, who cries out to Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou? Nothing Sir, sayes he, but two of my horses are at seuen vp, for a peck of Prouender, a foolish match that I made. Now they being in play at bowles run, run▪ your Steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which though they smiled, yet the Steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise, and they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was hidden. But by this Iest, oates and hay, stable roome, and all, was plenty.

How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forsweare drunkennesse.

AT Salisbury, Tarlton and his fellowes were to play before the Maior & his brethren: but one of his company (a young man) was so drunke, that he could not: whereat Tarlton, as mad angry, as he was mad drunk, claps me on his legs a huge paire of bolts. The fellow dead asléepe, felt nothing. When all was done, they conueyed him to the Iaile on a mans back, and intreated the Iailer to doe God good seruice, and let him lye there till he waked. While they were about their sport the fellow waked, & finding himselfe in durance, and the Iaile hung round with bolts & shackles, [Page] he began to blesse himselfe, & thought sure in his drunkennesse hee had done some mischiefe. With that hee called to know, but none came to him: then hée thought verily his fault was capitall, and that hée was close prisoner. By and by comes the Kéeper, and moaned him, that one so young should come to so shamefull a death as hanging. Anon another comes, and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle. But at last comes Tarlton, and others, intreating the Kéeper, yet if it might bee, that they might sée their fellowere they went. But hée very hardly was intreated. But at length the poore drunken Signior cald out for them. In they come. Oh Tom, sayes Tarlton, hard was thy hap, in drunkennesse to murder this honest man, & our hard hap too, to haue it reported, any of our company is hang'd for it. O God, O God, saies the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend mée to all my friends. Well short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkennesse, if hée could escape, and by as cunning a wile (to his thinking) they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad to be gone. But sée how this iest wrought: by little & little the fellow left his excessiue drinking, and in time altered his desire of drunkennesse.

How Tarlton saued his head from cutting off.

TArlton vpon a time being in the Country, and lodging in an homely Inne, during which time there was a Gentleman dwelling in the same towne, somewhat franticke and distraught of his wits: which mad-man on a sudden rusht into Tarltons bed-chamber, with his sword drawne, and finding him there in bed, would haue slaine him: saying, Uillaine, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaues head at one blow? Tarlton answered. Tut, Sir, that's nothing with your Worship to doe: you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow, as one: wherefore, if you please, Ile goe downe and call vp another, and so you may strike off both our heads at once. The mad man beléeued him, and so let him slip away.

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How Tarlton escaped imprisonment.

TArlton hauing béen dominéering very late one night, with two of his friends, and comming homewards along Cheape-side, the watch being then set, M. Constable asked, Who goes there? Thrée merry men, quoth Tarlton. That is not sufficient. What are you, qd. M. Constable? Why, saies Tarlton, one of vs is an eye-maker, and the other a light-maker. What saiest thou, knaue, doest mocke mée? the one is an eye-maker, the other a light-maker, which two properties belong vnto God only: commit these blasphemers, quoth the constable. Nay, I pray you good M. Constable, be good in your Office, I will approue what I haue said, to be true qd. Tarlton. If thou canst saies the Constable, you shall passe, otherwise you shall be all thrée punished. Why (qd. Tarlton) this fellow is an ey-maker, because a Spectacle-maker; and this other a maker of light, because a Chādler, that makes your darkest night as light as your Lanthorn. The Constable séeing them so pleasant, was well contented. The rest of the watchmen laughed: & Tarlton with his two companions went home quietly.

How Tarlton deceived a Country Wench.

THe Quéens players trauelling into the west Country to play, and lodging in a little Uillage, some ten miles from Bristow, in which village dwelt a pretty nut-browne Lasse, to whome Tarlton made proffer of marriage, protested, that he came from London purposely to marry her. The simple maid being proud to bée beloued by such a one whom she knew to bée the Quéenes man, without more intreatie, yéelded: and being both at the Church together, and M. Parson ready to performe his duty, and comming to the words of, I Richard take thée Ioane: nay, stay good Master Parson, I will go and call my fellowes, and come [Page] to you again: so going out of the Church in haste, he returned at leasure; for, hauing his horse ready saddled, he rode toward Bristow, and by the way told his fellowes of his successe with his Wench.

How Tarlton went to kill Crowes.

IT chanced vpon a time, as Tarlton went foorth with a Birding péece into the fields to kill Crowes, hee spied a Daw sitting in a trée, at which he meant to shoot; but at the same instant, there came one by, to whome hée spake in this manner: Sir quoth he, yonder I sée a Daw, which I will shoot at if she sit. If she sit, said the other, then she is a Daw indéed: but, quoth Tarlton, if shee sit not, what is she then? Marry, quoth the other, a Daw also: at which words she immediately flew away: whereupon, Tarlton spake merrily in a Rime, as followeth:

Whether a Daw sit, or whether a Daw fly,

Whether a Daw stand, or whether a Daw lye,

Whether a Daw creepe, or whether a Daw cry,

In what case soever a Daw persever,

A Daw is a Daw, and a Daw shall be ever.

How a poore Begger-man ouer-reached Tarlton by his wit.

AS Tarlton vpon a day sate at his owne doore, to him came a poore old man & begged a peny for the Lords sake: whereupon Tarlton hauing no single money about him, askt the begger what mony he had? No more mony, Master, but one single peny. Tarlton, being merrily disposed called for his peny, and hauing receiued it, gaue it to his Boy to fetch a pot of Ale: whereat the begger grew blanke, and began to gather vp his wits, how to get it again: the pot of Ale, for the beggers peny, being brought, [Page] he proffered to drinke to the Begger. Nay, stay awhile Master, quoth the Begger, the vse is, where I was borne, that hee that payes for the drink, must drink first. Thou saist well, quoth Tarlton; goe to, Drink to me then. Wherevpon the begger tooke the Pot, saying, Here, Master, I drink to you, (& therewithall dranke off euery drop.) Now Master, if you will pledge me, send for it as I haue done. Tarlton séeing himselfe so ouer-reacht, greatly commended the Beggers wit, and withall in recompence thereof, gaue him a Teaster: with that the Begger said, that hée would most truly pray to God for him. No, answered Tarlton, I pray thée pray for thy selfe, for I take no vsury for almes-déeds.

Of Tarltons pleasant answer to a Gallant by the high-way side.

IT was Tarltons occasion another time to ride into Suffolk, being furnished with a very leane large horse: and by the way, a lusty Gallant met him; and in mockage asked him, what a yard of his horse was worth? Marry Sir, quoth Tarlton, I pray you alight, and lift vp my horses Taile, and they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard.

How Tarlton would haue drowned his Wife.

VPon a time, as Tarlton and his Wife, (as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storme arose, and endangered the Ship, wherevpon, the Captaine thereof charged euery man to throw into the Seas the heauiest thing hée could best spare, to the end to lighten some-what the Ship. Tarlton, that had his Wife there, offered to throw her ouer-boord: but the company rescued her; and being asked wherefore he meant so to doe? he answered, She is the heauiest thing I haue, and I can best spare her.

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How Tarlton made his Will and Testament.

OF late there was a Gentlman liuing in England, that wheresoeuer he dined, would of euery dish conney a modicum thereof into his Gowne sléeue: which Gentleman being vpon a time at dinner at a Gentlemans house in the Country, there he vsed his aforesaid quality, in the company of Master Tarlton, who perceiuing it, said thus vnto the company: My Masters, I am now determined before you all, to make my last Will and Testament: And first, I bequeath my soule to God my Creator, and my body to be buried in the sléeue of yonder Gentlemans Gowne, and with that, stepping to him, he turned vp the Gowne sléeue, whereout, here dropt a bit, and there a bit, with choice of much other good chéere, still shaking it, saying, I meant this sléeue, Gentlman, this sléeue I meant.

How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft.

WIthin a while after, as the same Gentleman and Tarlton passed thorow a field together, a Crow in a Trée cried Kaw, Kaw, See yonder Tarlton, quoth the Gentleman yonder Crow calleth thée knaue. No, Sir (he answered) he beckens to your Worship as the better man.

Tarltons Iest of a Country Wench.

TArlton going towards Hogsdon, met a country maid comming to market, her Mare stumbling, downe shée fell ouer and ouer, shewing all that euer God sent her, and then rising vp againe, shée turned her round about vnto Master Tarlton, and said, Gods body Sir, Did you euer sée the like before? No, in good sooth, quoth Tarlton, neuer but once in London.

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How Tarlton deceived an Inne-holder at Sandwich.

VPon a time, when the Plaiers were put to silence, Tarlton & his Boy frollickt so long in the Countrey, that all their money was gone, and béeing a great way from London, they knew not what to doe; but as want is the whetstone of wit, Tarlton gathered his conceits together, and practised a trick to beare him vp to London without money, and thus it was: Unto an Inne in Sandwich they went, and there lay for two daies at great charge, although he had no money to pay for the same: the third morning he bade his man goe downe, and male-content himself before his host and his hostesse, and mumbling say to himself, Lord, Lord, what a scald Master doe I serue? this it is to serue such Seminary Priests and Iesuites: now euen as I am an honest Boy, Ile leaue him in the lurch, and shift for my selfe: heres adoe about Penance and Mortification, as though (forsooth) Christ hath not dyed enough for all. The Boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling, that it strooke a iealously in the Inne-holders heart, that out of doubt his master was a Seminarie Priest; whereupon, he presently sent for the Constable, and told him all the foresaid matter & so went vp both together to attache Tarlton in his chamber, who purposely had shut himself close in, and betaken him to his knées, & to his crosses, to make the matter séeme more suspitious: which they espying through the key-hole, made no more adoe, but in they rushed, & arrested him for a Seminarie Priest, discharged his score, bore his, & his boyes charges vp to London, and there in hope to haue rich rewards, presented him to M. Fleetwood, the old Recorder of London: but now marke the Iest; when the Recorder saw Tarlton, and knew him passing well, entertained him very courteously, and all to befool'd the Inne-holder, & his mate, and sent them away whith fleas in their eares: but when Tarlton sawe himselfe discharged out of their [Page] hand he stood iesting and pointing at their folly, and so taught them by cunning, more wit and thrift against another time.

Of Tarltons Wrongfull accusation.

VPon a time Tarlton was wrongfully accused for getting of a Gentlemans Maid with child and for the same, brought before a Iustice in Kent, which Iustice said as followeth: It is a mervalle (M. Tarlton) that you being a Gentleman of good qualitie, and one of her Maiesties servants, would venture thus to get Maides with childe. Nay rather (quoth Tarlton) were it maruell, if a maid had gotten me with child.

Tarlton deceived by a Country wench.

TArlton trauelling to play abroad, was in a Towne where in the Inne was a pretty maid, whose fauour was placed in a corner of Tarltons affection: and talking with her, shée appoynted to méet him at the bottom of a paire of staires. Night and the houre came, and the maid subtilly sent downe her Mistresse: whome Tarlton catching in his armes, Art come, wench, saies hée? Out alas, sayes the Mistres, not knowing who it was. Tarlton hearing it was the Mistres, start aside, and the maid came downe with a candle, and shée espyde a glimpse of Tarlton in the darke, who stept into another roome. How now, Mistres, said the maid? Something (said shée) affrighted me, some man sure, for I heard him speake. No, no, Mistresse, said the Maid, it is no man, it was a Bull calf that I shut into a roome, till Iohn our Pounder came to haue pounded him for a stray. Had I thought that (saith she) I would haue bit him such a knocke on his forehead, that his hornes should never have grac'd his Coxcombe, and so she departs vp againe afra [...]id. But how Tarlton tooke this iest, think you.

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How Tarlton could not abide a Cat, and deceiued himselfe.

IN the Country Tarlton told his Oastesse he was a Coniurer. O sir (sayes she) I had pewter stolne off my shelfe the other day, help me to it, and I will forgiue you all the pots of Ale you owe mee, which is sixteene dozen. Sayes Tarlton, To morrow morning the Diuell shall helpe you to it, or I will trounce him. Morning came, and the Oastesse and he met in a roome by themselues. Tarlton, to passe the time with exercise of his wit, with Circles and tricks falls to coniure, hauing no more skill then a dogge. But sée the iest, how contrarily it fell out: as he was calling out, mons, pons, simul & fons, and such like, a Cat (vnexpected) leapt from the gutter window, which sight so amazed Tarlton, that he skipt thence, & threw his Hostesse downe, so that he departed with his fellowes, and left her hip out of ioynt, being then in the Surgeons hands, and not daring to tell how it came.

How Tarlton and his Oastesse of Waltham met.

TArlton riding with divers Citizens his friends, to make merry at Waltham, by the way he met with his Oastesse riding toward London, whome hée of old acquaintance saluted. Shée demands whither they went? Tarlton told her, to make merry at Waltham. Sir (saies she) then let me request your company at my house at the Christopher, and (for old familiarity) spend your money there. Not vnlesse you goe backe (saies Tarlton) we will else goe to the Hound. But she (loth to lose their custome) sent to London by her man, & goes back with them, who by the way had much mirth, for she was an excéeding merry honest womā, yet would take any thing: which Tarlton hearing, as wise as he was (thinking her of his minde) he was deceiued: yet [Page] he askt her if the biggest bed in her house were able to hold two of their bignesse (meaning himself & her?) Yes (saies she) and tumble vp and downe at pleasure. Yea, one vpon another, saies Tarlton? And vnder too, saies she. Well, to haue their custome, she agreed to euery thing, like a subtill Oastesse: and it fell so out that Tarlton hauing her in a roome at her house, askt her which of those two beds were big enough for them two? This, said she: therefore goe to bed sweet-heart, Ile come to thee. Masse (saies Tarlton) were my Bootes off, I would indeed. I'le help you, Sir (saies she) if you please. Yea (thought Tarlton) is the wind in that doore? come on then. And she very diligently begins to pull, till one boot was half off. Now (saies she) this being hard to doe, let me try my cunning on the other, and so get off both. But hauing both half off his legs, she left him alone in the Shoomakers stocks, and got her to London, where Tarlton, was three houres, and had no help. But being eas'd of his paine, he made this Ryme for a Theame, singing of it all the way to London:

Women are Wanton, and hold it no sinne,

By tricks and devices to pull a man in.

Tarltons meeting with his Countrey acquaintance at Ilford.

ON a Sunday, Tarlton rode to Ilford, where his father kept: and dining with him at his Sisters, there came in diuers of the Countrey to see him, amongst whom was one plaine Countrey plough-iogger, who said hee was of Tarltons kin, & so called him cousin. But Tarlton demanded of his father if it were so? but he knew no such matter; whereupon saies Tarlton, whether he be of my kin or no, I will be cousin to him ere we part, if all the drinke in Ilford will doe it. So vpon this they caroused fréely, & the Clowne was then in his Cue so that (in briefe) they were both in soundly. Night came & Tarlton would not let his cousin goe, but they would lye together that night, meaning to [Page] drinke at their departure next morning. Tarlton would by wit leaue him in the lash, since power would not. But sée the jest: That night the plaine fellow so pist Tarlton in his bed, thinking he had béen against the Church wal, that he was faine to cry for a fresh shirt to shift him▪ So when al was well, they must néeds drinke at parting: where indéed (to seale kindred soundly) the fellow h [...]d his loade: for hearing that his cousin Tarlton, was gone to London, zounds he would follow, that he would, none could hold him: and meaning to goe towards London, his aime was so good, that he went towards Rumford to sell his Hogs.

How a Maid drave Tarlton to a Non-plus.

TArlton méeting with a wily Country wench, who gaue him quip for quip; Swéet heart (said hée) would my flesh were in thine. So would I, Sir (saies shee) I would your nose were in my, I know where. Tarlton angred at this, said no more; but goes forward.

Tarltons answere to a question.

ONe asked Tarltō why Munday was called Sundaies fellow? Because he is a sausie fellow (saies Tarlton) to compare with that holy day. But if may be, Munday thinkes himselfe Sundayes fellow, because it followes Sunday, and is next after: but he comes a day after the Faire for that. Nay (saies the fellow) but if two Sundayes fall together, Munday then may be the first, and it would shew well too. Yes (saies Tarlton) but if thy nose stood vnder thy mouth, it would shew better, and be more for thy profit. How for my profit, said the fellow? Marry (said Tarlton) neuer to be cold in winter, being so néere euery dogs taile. The fellow séeing a foolish question had a foolish answere, laid his legges on his neck, and got him gone.

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Tarltons desire of enough for money.

TArlton comming into a Market towne bought Oates for his horse, and desired enough for money: the man said. You shall, Sir and gaue him two halfe pecks for one. Tarlton thought his Horse should that night fare largely, and comes to him with this Rime:

Iack Nag, he brag, and lustie braue it,

I have enough for mony, and thou shalt have it.

But when Iack Nag smelt to them, they were so musty, that he would none (God thanke you, Master) which Tarlton séeing, runnes into the Market, and would slash and cut. But til the next Market day the fellow was not to be found, and before then Tarlton must be gone.

How Tarltons Dogge lickt vp six pence.

TArlton in his Trauaile had a Dogge of fine qualities, amongst the rest, he would carry six pence in the end of his tongue, of which he would brag often, and say, Never was the like. Yes, saies a Lady, mine is more strange, for he will beare a French crowne in his mouth: no, saies Tarlton, I thinke not: lend me a French crowne, saies the Lady, and you shall sée: truly Madame, I haue it not but if your dog will carry a crackt English crowne, here if is but the Lady perceiued not the iest, but was desirous to see the dogs trick of six pence. Tarlton threw down a teaster, and said, Bring Sirra: and by fortune the Dog took vp a Counter, and let the money lie: a Gentlewoman by, séeing that, askt him how long he would hold it? An houre, saies Tarltō: that is pretty, said the Gentlewoman, let's sée that: meane time she tooke vp the sixe pence, and willed him to let them sée the money againe: when he did sée it, it was a Counter, and he made this Rime. [Page]

Alas, alas, how came all this to passe?

The worlds worse then it was:

For silver turns to brasse.

I, sayes the Lady, & the dog hath made his master an Asse: but Tarlton would never trust to his Dogs tricks more.

Tarltons Iest of a Horse and a Man.

IN the City of Norwich, Tarlton was on a time inuited to an hunting: where there was a goodly Gentlewoman, that brauely mounted on a blacke horse, rode excéeding well, to the wonder of all the beholders, and neither hedge nor ditch stood in her way, but Pegasus her horse (for so may we tearme him for swiftnesse) flew ouer all, and she sate him aswell. When euery one returned home, some at Supper commended his Hound, others his Hawke, and shée aboue all, her Horse: and, said she, I loue no liuing creature so well (at this instant) as my gallant horse: yes Lady, a man better, saies Tarlton. Indéed no, said shée, not now: For since my last husband dyed, I hate them most, vnlesse you can giue me medicines to make me loue them. Tarlton made this iest instantly:

Why, a Horse mingeth Whay, Madam, a Man mingeth Amber,

A Horse is for your Way, Madam, but a man for your Chamber.

God a mercy, Tarlton, said the men: which the Gentlewoman noting, séeing they tooke exceptions at her words, to make all well, answered thus:

That a Horse is my chiefe opinion now, I deny not,

And when a man doth me more good in my chamber, I him defie not.

But till then give me leaue to loue something: then something will please you, said Tarlton, I am glad of that, therefore I pray God send you a good thing, or none at all.

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Tarltons talke with a pretty Woman.

GEntlewoman, said Tarlton, and the rest as you sit, I can tell you strange things: now many Gallants at Supper noted one woman, who being little and pretty, to vnfit her prettinesse, had a great wide mouth, which she séeming to hide, would pinch in her spéeches, and speake small, but was desirous to heare newes. Tarlton told at his comming from London to Norwich, a Proclamation was made that euery man should haue two wiues. now Iesus, qd. she is it possible? I Gentlewoman, and other wise able too, for contrarily women haue a larger préeminence, for euery woman must haue thrée husbands: Now Iawsus, said the Gentlewoman, and with wonder shewes the full widenesse of her mouth, which all the table smil'd at: which she perceiuing, would answere no more. Now Mistris, said, Tarlton, your mouth is lesse then euer it was, for now it is able to say nothing. Thou art a cogging Knaue, said she. Masse, and that is somthing yet, said Tarlton, your mouth shall be as wide as euer it was, for that Iest.

A Iest of Tarlton to a great man.

THere was a great huge man, 3. yards in the wast, at S. Edmondsbury in Suffolk, that died but of late daies (one M. Blague by name) & a good kinde Iustice too, carefull for the poore, this Iustice met with Tarlton in Norwich: Tarlton, said he, Giue me thy hand: But, you Sir, being richer, may giue me a greater gift, giue me your body: and imbracing him, could not halfe compasse him: being merry in talke, said the Iustice: Tarlton, tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a Flea and a Louse? Marry, Sir; said Tarlton, as much and like difference, as twixt you and me: I like a Flea sée else) can skip nimbly: But you, like a fat Louse créepe slowly, and you can go no faster, though [Page] Butchers are ouer you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knaue, quoth the Iustice. I, Sir, I knew that ere I came hither, else I had not béen here now, for euer one knave (making a stop) séekes out another. The Iustice vnderstanding him▪ laughed heartily.

Tarltons Iest to a maid in the darke.

TArlton going in the darke, groping out his way, heares the tread of some one to méet him. Who goes there, saies he? A man, or a monster? said the maid, A monster: said Tarlton, A candle hoe: and séeing who it was, Indéed said he, A monster, Ile be sworne: for thy téeth are longer then thy heard, O Sir, said the maid, speake no more then you see, for women goe inuisible now adayes.

Tarltons Iest to a Dogge.

TArlton and his fellows, being in the Bishop of Worcesters Seller, and being largely laid to, Tarlton had his rouse, and going through the streets, a Dogge (in the middle of the street, asleep, on a dunghill) seeing Tarlton reele on him, on the suddaine barkt, How now Dog, saies Tarlton, are you in your humors? and many daies after it was a by-word to a man being drunke, that he was in his humors.

FINIS.

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Information about this book

Title statement

Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth.

Edition statement

1638

Publication

Publisher

Text Creation Partnership,

Place of publication

Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) :

Date

2003-07 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1).

ID [DLPS]

A13376

ID [STC]

STC 23684

ID [STC]

ESTC S111346

ID [EEBO-CITATION]

99846708

ID [PROQUEST]

99846708

ID [VID]

11695

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This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Early English Books Online Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.

Series

Early English books online.

Notes

(EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A13376)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 11695)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1467:7)

Source

— Tarltons jests Drawne into these three parts. 1 His court-witty iests. 2 His sound city iests. 3 His countrey pretty iests. Full of delight, wit, and honest mirth., Tarlton, Richard, d. 1588, attributed name..

Extent

[40] p.

Printed by I[ohn] H[aviland] for Andrew Crook, and are to be sold in Pauls Church-yard, at the signe of the Beare,. London :: 1638.. ("More or less fictitious anecdotes, many of them far older than Tarlton, who probably was in no way responsible for the work"--Folger Shakespeare Library catalogue.) (The words "1 His court-witty iests. .. 3 His countrey pretty iests." are bracketed together on the title page.) (With a title-page woodcut.) (Printer's name from STC.) (Signatures: A-E⁴.) (In this edition, C2r lines 4,5 from bottom read: "Globe on the #5FD\ Banks side".) (Reproduction of the original in the Bodleian Library.)

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