CHARACTER. I. An Impudent Censurer

IS the torture-monger of Wit, ready for exe­cutiō before Iudge­ment. Nature hath dealt wisely with him in his outeside; for it is a priuiledge against confutation, and will beget modesty in you to see him out-face: Hee is so fronted with striuing to dis­countenance knowledge, by the contempt of it, as you would thinke him borne to insolence, though indeed it bee habituall and comes by negligence of his [Page 164] company, which rather seeke to laugh an [...] continue, then to re­forme his v [...]nity. A Chimney­sweeper may conuerse with him very safely, without the ha­zard of blushing: and so may a­ny that will contemne his igno­rance: Buffets will conuince him better then language or reason: That proues him ranke­bestiall, descended from the walking Apes; which on the Mountaines seeme carefull In­habitants, but at your approach the formality of m [...]n only. The Land-theefe, and Sea-captaine, be neuer le [...]e out of their way, but wi [...]er cōmonly about their obiect: They spare to wound poore tr [...]uellers but he incoun­ters any thing not worth eye sight. Hee will seeme to cleanse Bookes of errors: but take him in his true knowledge, and hee [Page 165] cannot doe so much good [...] Fellow that sweepes gutters. A wise mans minde gouernes his body his minde is onely re­strained by a bodily feare: And if you hope to be released of what he dares, you must inforce him to what he dares not; and then you shall perceiue him to be the comicall braggard, or the lingling spur. Lay aside this medicine and he is incurable, for he is so ra [...]isht with his own folly, as hee often commends what he misinterprets, and still dispraises▪ if he scorne the Au­thor) because hee cannot per­ceiue. To commend therefore and discommend what he con­ceiues not, is alike tolerable & equall: Neither is it to be admi­red [...]f he dislikes the soundest workes of a good Author: for he regardes not the workes and [Page 166] writings of God himselfe: if he did, he would imbrace charity, and so censure lesse. The wilde Arabian comprehends him fully: for as the one, so the other, takes tribute and exaction of all pas­sengers, except acquaintance and familiars: if any thing makes him praise-worthy, this must, or nothing: becauses he seemes (by this means) morall in friendship and so in some kinde vertuous: But his applause and detraction, are both odious, because aboun­ding through his meere plea­sure: And as some [...]luttish peo­ple take pleasure in their owne excrements, and relish the pick­ings of their nose; so hee, his owne opinion. When al Trades perish, he may turne Shop-kee­per, and deale with Ballance: For in weights and measures none is more deceitfull. Hee [Page 167] ponders pithy volumes by the dram or scruple, but small er­rours by the pound. If he takes courage in his humour, hee haunts the Authours company, recites the worke, intends it to some third person, and after he hath damnd the thing in questi­on, he refers himselfe to the right owner; who, if hee be there manifest, must coniure this deuill quickely, or he will seeme honest, & giue satisfacti­on: but call his life in question, and he betraies his guiltinesse, which then accuses him of false dealing howsoeuer; yes, though he hath commented rightly; for he commends ignorantly, and discommends scandalously. So delighting in his humour, he makes his Free-hold an Inheri­tance: put it to the hazard, and he will compound for the title. [Page 168] When he misses the censure of bookes, he proues alway the most harmeles, deriding, impu­dent, and absurd foole in the company: and he takes it for granted still that euery conceite being his owne is most ingeni­ous—let him adde folly and I grant him.

CHARACT: II. A Compleate▪ Man

IS an impregnable Tower: and the more batteries he hath vndergone, the better able he is to continue immoueable The time and he are alwaies friends: for he is troubled with no more then he can well imploy; nei­ther is that lesse, then will euery way discharge his Office; So he neither surfetts with I [...]lenesse, [Page 169] nor action. Calamities, and Court-preferments doe alike moue him, but cannot remoue him: Both challenge from him a conuenient vse, no vilde in­deauour, either to swell or dis­paire. His religion, learning, and behauiour, hold a particu­lar correspondence: He com­mands the latter, whilst him­selfe and both be commanded by the first. He chuses men as good Musitians chuse their Vi­alls; by sound, rather th [...]n by the sight: he may well giue his affections leaue to wander; for (like a well-mannd Hawke) they bee alwaies within whistling. Hee holdes it presumption to knowe, what should be looked, or thought vpon with wonder; and therfore rather then he will ex­ceed, he can be lesse then him­selfe: accounting it more noble [Page 170] to immitate the friutfull bough which stoopes vnder a pretious burthen; then applaud the tall eminence of a fruitlesse Birch-tree: knowing Humility is a fitter step to knowledge, then presumption. He seemes willingly to seeke acquaintance with vice and with temptation, meaning to allure it, til, without suspition, he may soone disrobe and disarme it: Like the Sunne which enters to the most pollu­ted place [...], but is not any thing the more polluted. Or hauing laboured to know the strength of follie, he knowes it to be his Capti [...]e. From hence proceeds his victorie, in that he can pre­uent mischiefe, and scorne the aduantage of base [...]esse. His wit and apprehension (like the in [...] ayre) will pierce through lesse cranyes then the [Page 171] pores of a mans bodie. His worthinesse to bee rewarded hee may conceale: But his de­sire to doe nobly, in a better kinde, his actions will not suffer to bee vnknowne: by which the world can iudge hee deserues, and saue him from the scandall of a Cunning Hypocrite. If merits direct him in the way to honor, they doe not leaue him in the way to honour, but are his best attendants to accompany his whole preferment: For to de­serue what hee obtaines, and to deserue no more is s [...]uggish; to deserue after a thing bestowed, is duely thankefull; But a conti­nued merit stops accusation. He is thankfull for whatsoeuer, hee receiues by the worlds fauour: And hee neglects no profite which the time affoords, by in­sufficiency to discerne it or to [Page 172] recompence it: For what hee obserues, passeth through the forge of his wisedome, which refines it; and the file of his pra­ctise, which confirmes it as a good patterne: So the interest exceedes the principall, and (which exceeds all) praiseth the Vsurer. It may seeme strange that a compleate man is a good Carpenter: but (take my mean­ing as you list) his actions are directed by the Line and Square. The name of guilt (with him) is vanished vnder the charme of a good conscience: Which with his eye-sight saue his taste a la­bour: for hee knowes what ex­perience can teach, but is not taught by experience. Hee is faithfully his owne friend: and accepts the frienship of others for his owne [...]ake; but imparts his owne for others. When he loues, [Page 173] hee loues first: from hence hee chalenges a double honour: For Loue and Priority is a two-folde merit. Hee lacks nothing to in­gender happinesse; for he can spare nothing that hee enioyes: he enioyes it so honestly and ab­solutely. And that hee hath al­ready, serues to purchase new contentment. For as he liues, his capacity is enlarged, though be­fore it were sufficient for his o­ther faculties: they be most numerous when himselfe is nothing: for being dead, hee is thoght worthier thē aliue: then he departs to his aduancement.

CHARACTER. III. A good Husband

IS the second part of a good man: hee challenges no more nor lesse from Art or Nature, then [Page 174] doth become his faculty, & giue comfort to his Wife; so he doth not (by striuing to please) seeme low minded; nor by ouer-valu­ing his properties, proue a ty­rant. His behauiour and dis­course promise no more then hee meanes, and may very well iustifie. Hee is not altogether to be chosen by the cōmon weight or standard; for his best partes are invisible. A good Wife shall know him quickly to bee worth her taking: for hee will first know her worthinesse. He is not therefore put to much trouble of being denied twise: for if hee thinkes he can preuaile amisse, preuaile too soone, or not pre­uaile, because hee is too good; hee hath the modesty to refuse first: But otherwise, if opinion dares suspect, and so refuse him first, hee may account it happi­nesse [Page 175] because hee was refused so soone: hauing (by that meanes) escaped one who could not dis­cer [...]e him. The honor of a good wife makes him no more vnpra­ctised in the patience of a bad, then if hee conuersed with her: so his vertues be familiar, no [...] en­forced. The misery of a bad wife likewise hath no more enraged him to discredit all women, thē the worthinesse of a good one hath moued him to bee an Ido­lator: So his blessing is, not to augment his curse, or curse his blessing. The highest end of his mariage premeditated, is to re­solue how he may desire it with­out end. Hee feeles not the ab­sence of youth by a decay in lust; but measures the approach of a crooked body by his entyre and straight affection. Hee neither deceiues himselfe with a foolish [Page 176] confidence, nor drawes a disad­uantage to himselfe, by being distrustfull: For he may bee ac­quainted with those, to whome hee safely cannot commit his wealth, much lesse his wiues ho­nesty, but hee neuer suspects, before he be past suspition, and euery thing be apparant. Hee hath (notwithstāding) no friend whom hee dares not make his deputy: But if he hath not know­ledge enough, to chuse a friend that may be trusted; hee hath no reason to trust a woman. Hee seekes rather to bee well known then commonly noted: for be­ing known, hee cannot bee mis­taken; but othewise it is very doubtfull. A good Husband (like the pith which runns in the mid'st of a body) dissuces him­selfe aequally to the circumfe­rence: imparting aequall care & [Page 177] loue to wife and children: Loue and prouidence be the two coū ­terpanes of a good husband. He hates not her, but h [...]rs; and that with a hope to make her detest herselfe, not bee diuorced from him: For he couets rather to be daily amending her, then make a new hazard, or want resolutiō. Hee may dislike therefore his wiues humour▪ and loue her in the same quantity. Hee cannot bee chosen, because a better is absent, for you may find in him­selfe the practitioner and pat­tern. Hee cannot therfore be re­fused, if he bee well known: For being good, hee proues the best and being so, the best Husband.

CHARACTER. IIII. A Contented Man

IS a faire building in the bottome of a Valley: You may discerne [Page 178] nothing about him, vnlesse you approach neere, and nothing in him worth himselfe, vnlesse you doe proceed. There is no land like vnto his owne conscience: that makes him sowe and reape together: for actions bee (with him) no sooner thoughts, then they proue comforts, they be so full of Innocence. His life ther­fore is a continuall haruest: his countenance and conuersation promise hope; they both smile vpon their obiect: Neither doth the end faile his purpose: for his expectation was indifferent and equall, according to the meanes. Events therefore can­not oppresse him; for hee pro­poūded all, before he vndertook some; and sawe the extreamest point of danger, before hee did imbarque. He medles no further with vncertainties, then losse & [Page 179] lucre be alike in accident: For doubtfull thinges of moment, make men stagger, whilst hope and feare distracts them. If pro­bable & lawfull meanes deceiue him, they cannot trouble him: for he ascribes nothing to him­selfe, that is aboue him. When Gods determinations doe ther­fore disappoint; he neither mar­uailes, nor mis-interprets. Neg­lected fortunes, and things past, hee leaues behinde; they cannot keep pace with him. The neces­sity of thinges absent, hee mea­sures by his meanes: but as for things impossible, hee could ne­uer beg in to affect them. And in the quest of future proiects, hee neuer doth transgresse the pre­sent comfort. Hee can with as much selfe-credit be a Captiue, as a promoted Courtier. Dig­nities may doe him honour, not [Page 180] entice him: Pouerty may threa­ten, & be peremptory, but can­not ouer-come. Riches may make his honesty more eminēt, not more exquisite: He cousens the world in his behauiour; and when hee seemes disconsolate, he is best contented. He is so far from adding malice to any, that he can praise the merits of an e­nimy; without grudging. An­ger and Reuenge be two turbu­lent passions: In him (therefore) the first shewes only that he can apprehend: the last, that he can iustly preuent further mischefe. So hee neither doth insult through anger; nor satisfie his bitternesse by reuenge. Repen­tance, which with some proues melancholly, with him proues a delightfull assurance: for sel­dome doth hee lament thinges meerely vicious, so much as [Page 181] vertues imperfectly attemped. He vndertakes euery thing with more aduantage, then any (but himselfe) can imitate: for being voyd of troublesome vexation, his willing minde makes the way lesse difficult. His policie and close dealing doe not di­sturbe his time of pleasure, or his quiet dreames: For he can awake with as much delight in day, and sleepe with as much so­lace in the darke, as either his intimate purpose can awake to euery mans applause; or he concealed to his owne safetie, and no mans detriment. Hee doth not readily incurre ano­thers rage; nor doth he raile a­gainst himselfe; for he cannot bee before hand with quarrel­some engagements; n [...]r rashly run into a manyfest error. He doth not therefore (when all ap­proue [Page 182] him) miscall himselfe, closely, damned Hypocrite, or lewd villaine. He feeles more felicitie in this, that he can for­beare to enioy any thing, rather then let▪ any thing enioy him; or rather then he will enioy any thing indirectly. He is not so selfe▪ subsisting that he scornes to borrow; so shamelesse, that he borrowes all: nor so alone contented, that others doe not partake in his freedome: or so absolute in freedome, that he becomes not more absolute by the vse of others. He resem­bles the parish bells; which keepe the same tune at Maria­ges and Funeralls: So a con­tented man obserues the same Musicke of content, either in occ [...]sion of ioy or sadnes. He makes more ill meanings good, by good construction, more [Page 183] haplesse euents honest by a law­full confidence, and more dan­gerous vndertakings easie, by a calme proceeding, then the contrary. For (whilst he knowes Iealousie as a fearefull, eating, and distastfull vice) hee cannot suspect without the cautions of why, whom, how, where and when. Briefly, being contented, he is content to be happy; and being so, hee thriues best when hee thinkes best: he does more then he vndoes. He wins more often then he saues: &, like the Caspian Sea, remaines the same vn­changeable.

CHARACT. V. A good Emperour

IS the second Sauiour to Christi­anity, and a direct center of his peoples loue: his greatnesse ex­tends, [Page 184] rather to posterity, then is confident of pedigree. He may be counselled or confirmed, but his election remaines peculiar. His obiect therefore (to dis­cerne) may be infinite, or extra­ [...]agant; but paterns (to imitate) must be supernal; for he ac­knowledges but one supremacy and in that remembers a suc­cession: which makes him leaue mans precepts vnto frailty, view honor as as thing mediate, him­selfe immediately next to his Creator, and doth onely know his high commission a determi­nable power, not know and mur­mure. He doth afflict (like light­ning) neuer but when he is re­sisted. He lackes nothing of di­uinitie, but Time in his preroga­tiue, the want of which takes away eternitie: so all the ho­nour which relates to him for [Page 185] Gods sake, conueighes it selfe to God for his owne. His feare doth vanish into loue or anger; for he may embrace or conquer, but cannot submit. He preserues many whom he might destroy; but he destroyes none whom he should preserue: for (like a medicine) he doth not naturally draw blood. His royall bounty is as well prompt to take with honour, as to giue with liberty. And as he can deserue nothing because on him depends euery thing: so is he not by any man to be deserued, because vnto him euery man owes his whole Inheritance. If therefore he doth forgiue where subiects doe con­demne; or chuse when multi­tudes abandon; he doth but ma­nifest his free desires, and show affinity betwixt himselfe & holi­nes, which rayses from the d [...]ng [Page 186] hil to the commanding fortune and from the most obscure dis­daine of vulgar thoughts vnto the state of happinesse. Nay oftentimes this secret in publick offices proues true, That men without the ayd of birth, and glory of famous merit, lack on­ly so good an entrance, but haue commonly a better ending: or at least, striue more to attaine what others presume vppon. The euent therefore makes his large prerogatiue true wise­dome, which may be mis-inter­preted weaknesse. The Lyon, a King of beasts, is recouered in sicknesse, by eating an Ape; and a good King by deuouring flatterers. He is the same brief­ly to his kingdome, that Luc▪ Flo­rus Lib [...]. cap. 3. fol. 17. actum erat nisi marius ille saeculo contiguesset Mari­us was among the Tigurines: all perishes without him.

CHARACT: VI. A worthy Poet

IS the purest essence of a worthy Man: He is confident of na­ture in nothing but the forme, and an ingenious fitnesse to conceiue the matter. So he ap­proues nature as the motiue, not the foundatiō or structure of his worthinesse. His workes doe every way pronounce both nou­rishment, delight, and admirati­on to the readers soule: which makes him neither rough, effe­minate, nor windy: for by a sweet contemperature of Tune and Ditty, hee entices others to goodnesse; and shewes himselfe perfect in the lesson. Hee neuer writes vpon a full stomacke, and an empty head; or a full head, [Page 188] and an emptie stomacke. For he cannot make so Diuine a recep­tacle, stoope to the fordid folly of gal or enuy, without strength: or strength of braine stoop, and debase it selfe with hunting out the bodies succour. He is not so impartiall as to condemne e­uery new fashion, or taxe idle circumstance; nor so easie as to allow vices, and account them generous humours. So he nei­ther seekes to enlarge his credit of bitternesse, by a snarling seue­ritie; nor to augment his sub­stance by insinuating courtship. He hath more debtors in know­ledge among the present Wri­ters, then Creditors among the ancient Poets. Hee is possessed with an innocent liberty, which excludes him from the slauish labour and meanes of setting a glosse vpon fraile commodities. [Page 189] Whatsoeuer therfore proceeds from him, proceedes without a meaning to supply the worth, when the worke is ended; by the addition of preparatiue ver­ses at the beginning; or the dis­persed hire of acquaintance to extoll things indifferent: Nei­ther does he passionatly affect high patronage, or any, further then he may giue freely; and so receiue backe honest thankes. The dangerous name and the contempt of Poets, sprung from their multitude of corruptions, proues no disaduantage or ter­rour to him: for such be his an­tidotes that hee can walke vn­touched, euen through the worst infection. And indeed that mountebanks preparing oyle which kept his hands vn­scalded, was a toy of nothing to this Poets rarity of discretion, [Page 190] which so prepares his minde, that he can bathe it in the strains of burning lust, fury, malice, or despight, and yet be neuer scal­ded, or endangerd by them. He only among men is neerest infi­nite: For in the Duo apud Romanos [...] genera, [...] [...]. Lib. 7. de legibus. [...], & [...]: [...] au­tem sunt dicti a gre­co [...] quod signi­ficat vmb [...]ā nam in vm­b [...]a sicbant & ing [...]nij [...] exerci­taban [...]ur. Rosin [...] lib. 5 cap. 6. Scenicall com­posures, of a Tragedy or Co­modie he shewes the best re­semblance of his high Creator: turning his quicke passions, and witty humors to replenish and ouercome, into matter and forme as infinite, as Gods plea­sure to diversifie mankinde. He is no miserable selfe-louer, nor no vnbounded prodigall: for he can cōmunicate himselfe wise­ly to avoyd dull reseruednesse, but not make euery thought common, to maintaine his mar­ket. It must be imputed to his perfect eye-sight, that he can see error, and auoy de it without the [Page 191] hazard of a new one: As in Po­ems, so in proiects, by an easie coniecture. Hee cannot flatter, nor be flattered: If hee giues Desert, he giues no more; and leaues Hyperbole in such am a ter of importance: As for himselfe, he is so well knowne vnto himselfe, that neither pub­licke fame, nor yet his own con­ceite, can make him ouervalued in himselfe. Hee is an enemy to Athiests; for he is no Fatist nor Naturalist: hee therefore ex­cludes Lucke and Rime, from the acceptance of his Poems; scor­ning to acknowledge the one as an efficient, the other as an es­sence, of his Muses fauour. Hee paies backe all his imitation with interest; [...] his Authors (if reuiued) would confesse their chiefe credit w [...]s to be such a patterne: otherwise (for the most [Page 192] part) he proues himselfe the pat­terne, and the proiect in hand: Siluer onely and sound mettall comprehends his nature: rub­bing, motion, land customary vsage, makes the brightnesse of both more eminent. No mer­uaile though he be Immortall, seeing he conuerts poyson into nourishment; euen the worst obiects and societies to a wor­thy vse. When he is lastly silent (for he cannot die) hee findes a Monument prepared at others cost and remembrance, whilst his former actions bee a liuing Epitaph.

CHARACT: II. An honest Lawyer.

IS a precious Diamond set in pure gold, or one truly honest, and a [Page 193] compleate Lawyer: The one giues glory to the other; and being diuided, they be lesse valuable. Diuinity, and corrected nature, make him habituall in the first, but studious labor, and a discur­siue braine make him equall, if not absolute, in the last▪ he knowes Law to be the M^ris. of man, and yet he makes honesty the M^ris of the Law. The first therforemay exceed the last; but the last neuer hath predomi­nance in him, without the other. He is too diuine to be tempted with feare, fauor, Minerals, or possessions; and too diuine not to be tempted with perfect knowledge, and a pittifull com­plaint: he hath as much leasure to dispute with conscience, in the most busie Terme, as in the deadest Vaction: And he is alwaies more diligent to main­taine [Page 194] wronged pouerty, then at­tentiue to allow iniurious Greatnesse: he can as freely re­fuse a prodigall, or enforced bounty, as hee can accept or de­mand due recompence: He re­sorts, to London with a more full braine, then empty bags, and (at his returne) he purses vp more full comfort, then yellow coine. He cannot be so consident as to persist in error; nor so ignorant as to erre by weaknes: When therefore (through an aboun­dance) some knowledge is con­founded, his errour onely proues a doubtful question; and serues to reduce scattred rem­na [...]ts into method. The multi­tude of contentions ma [...]e not him reioyce in the number, but in the difficulty; that truth may appeare manifest to our proge­ny. He railes not against the vi­ces [Page 195] of his profession, but makes his profession commendable by his owne practise of vertue: his Clients disease of being suspen­ded, touches him like his owne sicknes; hee dares not giue a dangerous purgation to dis­patch him, nor by negligence and delay, let the eui [...]l grow in­ward & incorporate, to streng­then it selfe, or consume the pa­tient. He is therefore exquisite in preseruatiues against the consumption; though perhaps he may faile in restoratiues [...]o support weakenesse. He may wel bee a president to the best Phy­sitians; for he vndertakes no cure when he perceiues it incli­ning to be desperate: Nay ra­ther he is a true subiect, that feares and scornes to meddle with counterseit peeces, further then to resolue being askd (as [Page 196] Goldsmiths are) whether they will endure the Test. So hee makes the cause, & not his Cli­ent, the obiect of his labour. If he haue fauour enough to make truth be currant, he looks no further: which he needs not to patch businesse; nor would he willingly persue it: if truth were not often discountenanced. He doth therfore at a Iudges death lament the death of his learning not his owne priuate lucre: He can ride the circuit, and scorne to be circular. He hath no lea­sure to protract time or saue his Clients opinion with iests pre­meditated, or windy inferences: His modesty was neuer below his courage in a good cause, nor his courage inclining to impu­cence, though he were still ho­nored with a prosperous euent. He owes so much worship to [Page 197] desert & innocence, that he can as faithfully applaud sufficient worth, as not insult ouer, or ex­claime against dull ignorance. He is miraculously preserued a­gainst incantations: the strong­est spell cannot charme him si­lent, nor the most tēpting spirit prouoke him to a vaine plea­ding. He dares know & professe in spight of potency; hee dares be rich and honest in despight of custome: And if he doth not grow from a good man, to a re­uerend Title, hee scornes to bee a Traytor and blame tyranny which ouerslips deseuings; but he descends below his owne vn­worthinesse. Briefly, he is a pre­cious vessell; he indures the rest and the defiance of time: hee is a sound commodity which ne­uer failes the Customer: and doth hartily confesse that who­soeuer [Page 198] swarues from this pat­terne, swarues from honesty, though hee be deepely learned: Howsoeuer, he thinks a Lawyer deepely learned cannot chuse but bee honest; except multi­tude of Clients oppresse him.

CHARACT. VIII. A Detractor

IS his owne priuate foe, and the worlds professed enemy: Hee is indeed an obstinate heretick, and if you will conuert him, you must a new create him likewise: hee is of the Mahametan sect which hath despised all religi­ous Arts & Sciences, except the confusion of all: so he approues continually the worst thinges a­mong many good, & cōdemnes that which is iudiciously com­mended: [Page 199] To read therfore and refuse, makes vp the best part of his iudgement. He hath an* im­pedimentIg [...]orance. Spight. Disdame. Enuy. in his language pro­ceeding from his heart; which makes him that he cannot speak well of any man. His fiue sences haue a mortall combat with all obiects, that afford sence, or any thing vpon which they fasten: his eye could neuer yet behold a woman fair enough, or honest enough, on whom he might be­stow the sincere part of his affe­ction: but he marries one to be­get an equall society of froward children: His eare was neuer well contented with a delicious tune, for the left is onely open, and that onely apt to conceiue discords, through a customary habit; which hath reiected all, & therefore will: For that he once hath, and is againe minded to [Page 200] discredit worthinesse, giues him both reason & encouragement to continue spightfull: But (to our comfort be it spoken) his en­uy ends cōmonly with himselfe, or at most, indeauors not other­wise then a nasty passenger, to rub against, and defile faire out­sides, because himselfe is loath­some: hee stopps his nose if a perfume approach, but can well indure a stinking draft, or ken­nell, and embrace the sauour: His palate hath no relish except hee may discommend his dyet, and yet hee consumes all to the very fragments: hee touches or takes vp nothing which is not blasted by him with a naturall dislike; or at least hee will vt­ter the manifest forme of dis­content. You must beleeue him sick or cloy'd with sweet meats: for his iudgement being out of [Page 201] tast, he cānot relish. His tongue, the Herald of his imagination, is a busie Officer, and will (with­out questiō) challenge the same reward of him, that it doth of Women, for it dispatcheth the same seruice, and deserues ther­fore (proportionably alike) to be called the maine property of each: hee is not inferiour also to a woman in malice; for she is that way limited to some per­sons, though vndeterminable in spight: but hee transcends; ac­counting it his pompe to bee in­finitely licentious towards all. Hee railes against the State, and speakes treasons confidently to himselfe alone, expecting an e­uent of his desires: Nay, some­times hee is taken (through the licence of his tongue, & a little sufferance of the company) in peremptory speeches that bring [Page 202] to his answere: Neither will he hearken to reformation, till hee lackes his eares: Hee is not (if a Church-man) ashamed to quar­rell, first with his Patron, and o­penly disclaim against the poor value of his Benefice: If, a com­mon humorist, hee will dimi­nish the worth likewise of a guift, before the giuers face; & lookes to the disconueniences, not the commodity, hee getts by possession: If he commends any man (which is a great won­der) hee presently after will re­cite the speciall fauour & boun­ties he hath receiued by him. A slight Arithmetician may cast vp the totall summe of his Cha­racter: and by substraction (be­ing the body of his soule) may finde him vnder the value of an honest mā, aboue halfe in halfe: For hee lackes Charity, and so [Page 203] comes short of a good Christi­an: And therefore is an egregi­ous coward because he scornes to iustifie, except hee railes a­gainst the dead; thither he hast­ens being vnworthy to liue lon­ger:Detractor [...] in­ter [...] blan [...] nor [...] besti­as famelicas. And as Dyogenes hath long since resolued, hee is the worst among wilde beastes, none ex­cepted.

CHARACT. IX. An Humorist

IS the scorne of Vnderstanding, the traytor to Reason, or the va­nity of a better man: Bloud-let­ting, a good whip, honest com­pany, or reasonable instructions might (at the first) recouer him. But if hee continues among laughing spirits one quarter, the disease will growe inward, and [Page 204] then the cure growes desperate. If his humour be heriditary, hee is more familiar with it, and makes it the principall vertue of his family: If imitation breeds a habite, he makes it the pledge of sworne brother-hood, or at least the fauour of new acquain­tance: hee neuer is infected sin­gle, or with one humour onely; for either he is now admitted to the seuerall orders; or hee is prompt enough to subscribe generally when occasion peeps. You must not dare to discom­mend, or call in question, his be­hauiour seriously with his com­panions; for though you cānot call the humor lawfull, it is suf­ficient if you can call it his hu­mour. You may iustly forbeare to Restraine him; for if hee be truely adopted, he thinkes it an especiall part to be respectlesse. [Page 205] Tobacco is a good whetstone for his property: hee doth seldome therefore forget to prouoke his constitution this way: and (by being insariate) he knowes well his humour may escape the search of reason, by vertue of the mist. He hath from his cra­dle bin swadled vp, with much obstinate & peremptory affect­ation: It being indeed cōmonly the character of his ripest age, to support that freely in his man-hood, which was forbid­den in the spark of his minority: hee neuer slips oportunity with deliberation; hee is therefore prompt enough to begin, and the reason of his act is enough, though onely that hee hath be­gun; because humour is the mo­tiue. There is nothing within the compasse of thought so tri­uiall, so absurd, and monstrous, [Page 206] which his vanity will not auerre to be ponderous, decent, & na­turall. Neither will hee abhor to iustifie them by his owne practise, against all opposers. He trauailes vp and downe like Tom of Bedlam, vnder the title of mad Rascali, Witty Rogue, or Notable mad slaue: and these attributes bee a more effectuall oratory to applaud his humour, then a di­rect cōmendation. He will not sometimes (vpon small disconti­nuance) vouchsafe to acknow­ledge, or (at least) know, his fami­liar friendes, without much im­pertinence and Interrogatories of their name, or habitation: whilst another time, hee dares aduenture his knowledge, & sa­lutations vpon meer aliens. Hee is very much distracted, and yet I wonder how the frenzy should bee dangerous; for hee neuer [Page 207] breaks his braine about the stu­dy of reason or inuention: see­ing his humor is the priuiledge of both: It is therfore sufficient for him to bee extreame melan­cholly, and most ignorant of the cause or obiect; and sudden­ly to bee vnmeasurably frollick without prouocation: whilst he is onely beholding to a brain­lesse temperature in discharge of his credit. He will conuerse freely with Seruing-men and Souldiers within 12. houres; & presently when the ague hath once seized him, hee proues ty­rannicall and insolent towards the silly vermin. He neuer brake a vow in his whole life, or brake vowes continually: for eyther they haue not suited with his varietie, to bee intended, or hee hath intended to keepe them no longer then might a­gree [Page 208] with his body which, ebbes and flowes When hee growes old, and past voyce, hee learnes forraigne languages: as if when he had dined, he would deuoure the dishes. In a word hee is a chiefe commander of new acti­ons, but no commander of him­selfe; being in his best brauerie but a Turkish Slaue, euer subiect to desire and appetite: accor­ding to their paterne, he is him­selfe to himselfe praise-worthy, or elegant; but to worthinesse it selfe, odious.

CHARACTER. X. A weake-brain'd Gull

IS a needelesse ornament: And yet an ornament to make wi­ser men more accounted. Some call him a petulant neat youth; I rather thinke him a glasse bottle in a gilded case: that [Page 209] is, a fayre outside with a braine easily broken. Hee takes the vp­per hand of a foole, nay of a wise man also; and in opinion is as good as a Courtier. According to Platoes definition hee is no man. Plato defined a man to be a two-legd creature, hauing broade talents without feathers; but this a­boue named gull weares feather enough to hide a Helmet. His e­ducation hath bin (from a child) tenderly fearefull; and the mo­ther remaines still afraide of his fortunes, least his politick wise­dome should hazard them too farre: whilst his fortunes hazard his wisedom. He hath beene al­wayes a yong Master, and yoked his eares first to insinuation, vn­der some oylie tong'd seruant, or flattering Tutor. hee conti­nues loue no longer then hee finds a fellow consenting to his [Page 210] vaine-glory: the dislike of which sooner then any thing makes him to be cholericke, to resolue and fight perhaps: but other­wise To know hee hath rich kindred, and to deriue a pede­gree; satisfie his Valor, Lear­ning, proficience in Estate or credit with meere contempla­tion. So much indeede doth hee hang vppon the pillars of his gentrie, as it shall therefore be the first preparatiue of his ac­quaintance to salute, and aske What countrey-man your Father is, of what house: or hee will enquire his demesnes onely (of some neighbour:) and if your body be hansome, your cloathes pro­portionable, your parents weal­thy; he hath purchased an euer­lasting friend in the beginning. A round oath is valour enough, a foolish Dittie Art enough, and [Page 211] good fellowshippe honesty e­nough. He should be bought vp in Italy (among the butchers) for an English Calfe: because hee carries his whole prise and value about him. The truth is, hee scornes to bee a searcher, and thinkes it enough for his Taylor to meddle with linings. But in the circumstāce of making your cloathes, the price of your Bea­uer and silke stockins, your pur­pose to trauaile, or of your long absence; The Spanish Inqnisition cannot be so vnmercifull. Hee is contented richly, nay absolute­ly, to be taken onely for a harm­lesse man. Suppose he hath now left the vniuersitie, and bringes a little dreame of Logicke from the Colledge; being ariued at London, hee stickes a feather in his Hat; and it is all one as if he had fastened it in his head: for [Page 212] his braine, from that day fore­ward becomes broken. The ge­nerositie and noble carriage of [...]is discourse, is to run desperat­ly into the name of some coura­gious gallant Knight, or some [...] in fauour: if their alliance [...]o his family can be detected he [...]iues way with an apparant re­ [...]ish. The wisest action that euer [...] atempted, was to spare much [...] in discourse by fingering [...]is beard or bandstrings: and if [...]e bestowes much on Tobacco [...]e cannot be blamed much: for [...]t hath many times freed him from the discredit of a Non plus. He is very well fitted for all so­cieties, if his outside be sutable; further thē which he neuer con­nersed with himselfe effectually. Nor can I wonder, though hee payes deerely, and preserues cloaths delitiously; seeing those [Page 213] alone are the maintenance of his whole worth; and therefore you shal perceiue him more fu­riously [...]ngaged about the ren­ding of his doublet, or a little lace, then a magnanimous box, or a bastinado: And he will en­ter into a Tauerne at the fore­side, though hee might goe a neerer way, onely to discouer his gold lace and scarlet. If his bands & cuffs be sun-burnt they wil not much mis-become him: for hee thinkes himselfe an vn­lucky Asse, if a painted beauty doth not shine vpon him. He is ambitiously giuen to bee pro­moted, either by some embas­sage to divulge his pedigree, & learne fashions, or by entertain­ment of some chiefe Noble-mē to discouer his bounty: But his worst ambition is to salute the next Coach or Foot-cloth: and [Page 214] hee thinkes verily that the prize of a florishing salutation winns more credit then his Beauer. He will hang out at the Tauerne window as commonly as the signe; that hee may see naked brests and veluet linings passe a­long; & wrap their graces in his fancy till the next Sunns-rising. Hee shifts his Familiars by the suruey of prospect, and exter­nals; but his directions proceed from the Prouerbe of like to like, rathet then Physiognomy. Hee is credulous & con [...]ident: the lesse certainty he hath of a report, the more publicke hee is, and pe­remptory. Hee cōmits the best part of his vnderstanding to a talkati [...]e Barber: with whome he is the more frequent; because he thinks to haue a curle-pate, is to haue a visible wit. He studies a new fashion by the six months [Page 215] together: and reades Albertus Magnus, or Aristatles Problemes in English, with admiration. Hee would bee Phisicall, and iustly; for not to preserue his folly in health, were to deceiue the world of his pattern: but being merry for disgestion, his laugh­ter is exorbitant causelesse, end­lesse, & like himselfe: But fooles of his owne fashion praise him, for a witty Gentleman, or a gentle­manly Fellow. His safest course will be to marry: nothing makes him so sencible as a Wife, good or bad; till then, the further hee flies from his Caracter, hee be­comes it the more naturally.

CHARACT: XI. A Ranke Obseruer

IS his owne Comoedy, and his own Audience: For whatsoeuer he [Page 216] frames by experience, hee ap­plaudes by custome: But being out of his element, he is an Eele in a sand bag; for hee, wanting the humor of his wrested obser­uance, falles away into ignorant silence. Hee is arrogant in his knowledge so far, as hee (thinks) to study men, will excuse him from the labour of reading, and yet furnish him with absolute rarities, fit for all fashions, all discourses. He is a very promis cuous fellow; and from thence proceeds the vice which makes him without difference, cōpre­hend ponderous & triuiall pas­sages vnder the same degree of value or estimation. For what­soeuer becomes his politicke vent, becomes his vnderstand­ing. When hee doth therefore fill vp the vessell of his conceits, he hath regard to such things as [Page 217] may bee vttered with most ad­uātage, either of money among the Players, or reput [...]tiō among the general Gallants of our Cit­tie. He takes account of all hu mours, and through the practise of a contempt to all, he partakes in al: for he vses what he derides vnder the priuiledge of scorne, and so makes it familiar. So the largest benefite which others reape, by contemning the vice in himselfe, arises beyond his purpose or intention: for he ex­tends to others no further then agrees with his owne greedy constitution; meaning to credit or enrich himselfe, not amend others: by which meanes all his goodnesse is accidentall. He doth (notwithstanding) in some poynts resemble vertue; but in the worst manner. For being impartiall, he playes the tyrant; [Page 218] and sels the vices of his dearest friends to discouery, by playes or pamphlets, but is content that they should still reserue them to their future infamy: So he becomes sooner excluded oftentimes from society, then his flattering shifts can readily repaire. Flattery and insinuati­on be indeed the number of his thriuing moral vertues, through which (vnder a pretence of faire meaning) he takes occasion to betray the marrow of mans va­riety: and this affoords fuell for his bitter derision. His Table­bookes be a chiefe adiunct, and the most significant Embleme of his owne quallity, that man may beare about him: for the wiping out of olde notes giue way to new: and he likewise, to try a new dispositiō, will finally forsake an ancient friends loue: [Page 219] because hee consists of new en­terprises. He makes the best he can of witty turnings; and ther­fore hee spares conceits worth naming in company, to make a further benifit. If you desire to know a man of this profession; you must a while obserue him, and he will presently shew him­selfe after two meetings: for he will then talke (as it were) by a chatechisme of discourse: kee­ping a certain forme of lāguage as if he durst not go beyond the circle. His capacity is appehen­siue in a strange measure: if hee were lesse capable, he might be more commended. For hee i [...] ­croches often vpon admittance (where thinges be well deliue­red) to multiply his obseruation & he will verifie things, through a scandalous [...], as if they were now committed. If hee [Page 220] conuerts to a deseruing quality, hee will propound the credit of a good meaning no stipend for his vain discoueries. Till thē, he must indure to be suspected, or odious, whilst hee whispers closely among free companiōs: Neither must he hope to amend this Age or himselfe; because hee neuer intended the first, and the last he forgets (though he inten­ded it) through vain-glory as beeing transported with this pride onely, that he hath obser­ued, and can obserue againe. Briefly hee resembles a foolish patient, who takes a costiue pill to loosen his body: for whilst he meanes to purge himself by ob­seruing other humors, he pract­ises them by a shadow of mock­age, and so becomes a more fast corruption: if he doth not ther­fore feele the disease, hee dies Hid [...] bound.

CHARACT. XII. A simple polititian

IS a purblind Fox, that pretends machiauell should be his sire: but he proues a mungrell: he was taken from Schoole before he had learned true Latine; and therefore in triuiall things only, he partakes with craftinesse; be­cause hee lacks true breeding, and true bringing vp. Hee la­bours commonly for opinion where hee is so well known that opinion woulde persecute him, without labour: he thinkes reli­gion deceiues most vnsuspected and therefore hee first seemes to bee a zealous Christian. The Church is a principall parte of his deuotion; and to be a frequēt Auditor, or outwardly attentiue is a sure defence (hee thinkes) a [Page 222] gainst Capitall errour. Hee is o­penly kinde-hearted; cries God forbid. Amen, Christ be his comfort. But rather then he will seeme a­Puritune, with indifferent com­panions, hee can breake an ob­scene Iest, be wanton, sociable or any thing till hee conuerse with a Presitian by whome hee hopes to saue: thē his eyes roule vpward, his hands are eleuated, commiserating tearmes be mul­tiplid, with sighes innumerable: then hee rayles against the wic­ked, whome a little before hee heartily saluted. And after some paraphrase vppon the verse of such an Euangelist, Apostle, or Prophet, hee dismisses the Pu­ritan, that he may laugh heartily. He is therefore much like a bookesellers shoppe on Bartho­lomew day at London; the stalls of which are so adornd with bibles [Page 223] and prayer-bookes, that almost nothing is left within, but hea­then knowledge. His minde and memorie put on the same vizard of greatnesse, which makes him so much incline to the posture of weighty labors, that he giues no attention to things openly recited, though they actually possesse him. To bee imployed therefore for a Noble-man, is (to him) an infinite trouble, and begets imployment with all ac­quaintance to discouer it: so the bare meanes to make men think hee is much entertained, costs a time equall to his occurrents. Being to bee visited (though by sure Clients) he hath the roome of attendance, the Art of delay, and a visage that seems pittiful­ly interrupted. If he rides to dis­patch, the horses be early sadled and brought into the foreside, [Page 224] that neighbours may obserue, when after fiue or six houres ex­pectation, hee comes like one that was detained by vrgent im­portunacies. if the company be pleased to laugh at his inhae­rent folly; he doth by and by as­sure you; giue mee a sudden iest or nothing; some vse your printed iest, I cannot endure it. His best mate­rials to worke vpon, bee Time, and Place; which if they affoord circumstance to let yon vnder­stand his new purchase, his new buildings, the great marriage of his Children, or entertainment of high personages, or bountie towards an Hospitall, it comes freely and fitly, if openly. When occasions trouble him a little, he loues to trouble himselfe ex­treamly; and thinkes it a poynt of reaching pollicie, to reproue or amend that formally, which [Page 225] hath beene allowed by singular good iudgments. If hee dares (with priuiledge of the hearers ignorance) disparage worth in any, hee takes leaue of the occa­sion, and his own policie. This he takes in honour of his court­ship to shew hee can be ambiti­ous; and build on others ruines: But this proclaymes him a star­ued Cannib [...]ll; who, through the famin of desert, supplies worthi­nesse with his owne excrement of detraction. His desire and au­dacitie are at open strife; when hee would hut dares not com­mend himselfe, by correcting anothers facultie: then with a strained laughter, and a willing palsie in his head, hee seemes to [...] somwhat is vnsetled; or he makes his elbow signifie. that somthing wants his finger. His complements are at libertie [Page 922] his friendship lies locked vp in prison; the key whereof he hath lost willingly. For if you call him friend before he hath wres­ted the aduantage of an enemy, hee leaues you destitute, but more happy then you beleeue. If hee can seeme to forget your countenance, hee intends that you must thinke him deuoted to thinges aboue you, or that his braine labours: and vppon this ground he walkes when hee neglects your salutations, or takes no notice of your person. Briefly, he is a man of this daies profit; he respects nothing with­out double interest, and that by compulsion. Hee is a weake foe, a weaker friend, or the ge­nerall sha­dow of a wiser man.

CHARACT XIII. A Spend-thrift

IS a man eu [...]r needy, neuer satisfi­ed, but ready to borrow more then hee may be trusted with: The question of him will bee, whe­ther his learning (if he hath any) doth out ballance his braine, & so becomes a burthen; or whe­ther both be crept into his out­ward sences: Certainely his In­tellectuals of wit, and wisdome, may bee manifest, but are (like the seauen Starrs) seldome seen together; they mutually succeed as hauing vow'd to gouerne by course: Whilst wit raignes, ex­cesse, and ryot hath the vpper hand: But when hee recollects himselfe, he is wholy metamor­phosed; wit giues place, and his extreme of wisedom, disclaimes [Page 228] the smile of a merry counte­nance. His only ioy is to domi­neere, bee often saluted, & haue many Creditors: his Lordships lye among the Drawers, Tobac­co-men, Brokers, and Panders: But aduersity makes him leaue company, & fal [...] to house-keep­ing, and then his seruants be va­nished into Sergeants. I dare protest Doctor Anthony will not make Aurum potabile like a Spend-thrift: The truth is, a spend-thrift can dissolue a mo­narchy of gold if hee had it. His onely flatterers bee Conceite & Fancy, which charge Memory the Steward, to bring no Ac­compts in till they be casheerd; which cannot bee whilst Imita­tion is his Captaine, or Credite his Corporall. He wooes credi­tors, as Gentlemē a faire Semp­stres: he will promise much and [Page 229] mean nothing: for he distributes his words as cōmonly do Prin­ters. He dreams of being Lord chiefe Iustice, or at least being eminent, though hee liues disso­lutely; and hath no Saint but Fortune. He is, and euer will be a quarter behind with frugality; in which volume he cannot bee perfect, because the book is im­perfect: for hee still rendes out the beginning of his lesson; be­ing not able to begin a thrifty course. His Heauen vpon Earth is a faire Mistresse; and though his means be large, yet his prin­cipall sorrow is the lacke of maintenance. Hee is scarce any part of a Christian till hee goes to Prison: and then perhaps hee enters into Religion: If he doth not, I am sure hee is dead in law and turnes Cloister-man. The misery of his sence is an old mā, [Page 231] and his fathers life troubles him not a little: Almanackes there­fore which foretell the death of Age, bee very acceptable. The hurly burly of his braine is infi­nite, & he scarcely knomes what hee may freely make an election of. Hee is most truly like a bro­ken lace, or seame-rent cloake; ready to bee taken hold of, as he walkes along, by euery ctooked naile & tenter-hook. His worst bawd is too good a nature, which makes him incident to false applauses, and carue his soule out among his familiars: hee hath multitudes of deere ac­quaintāce, but his deerest frends are ready to stabbe him: For ei­ther those whom hee accompts so, bee men of fashion; or those who bee indeed so, desire his death, because they see no a­mendment. Hee is in great re­quest, [Page 232] & much enquired; being like a dangerous booke still a­bout to bee called in: For hee is no sooner out of one prison but he is called into another. Hee scornes to acknowledge his debts, but as things of duty, with which mechanickes are (as he thinkes) bound to vphold high birth and Gentry: but the end proues otherwise. His downe­fall therfore is not admired, be­cause hee was euer falling; and his bare excuse, makes experi­ence the shadowe. Briefly, hee may seem a treacherous friend; for hee deales dishonestly with all that challenge intrest in him; they bee his Creditors: And yet hee deales more louingly with them, then with himselfe; for when he paies them, he punish­eth himselfe: If he cannot pay, hee is punished more then they; [Page 232] and punished enough, because hee cannot pay: For then hee consumes.

CHARACT: XIIII. A Ubiquitary

IS a Iourney-man of all Trades, but no sauer because no [...]etter-vp: Hee would be an Epitome of Arts, & all things, but is indeed nothing lesse then himselfe: If an itchy Taylor gaue him not his making, hee had (I thinke) perpetually been vnmade: For if hee scrat [...]h his head, the body cals him; if the body, then his elbow; if his elbow, then again the body; if the body, then the head itches: So neuer quiet, ne­uer constant, still doing, still a­bout to doe the same, remaines my dooer doing nothing. The [Page 233] worst of Dog-dayes was his birth-day when fleas abonnded, which (from his cradle) haue so bitten him, as till his death he must be tickled. The worme of giddinesse hath crept into his priuate purposes: euery houre, almost, giues him a new Being, or, at least, the purpose to bee an other thing then hee is. So that I might almost say of him as Locus enrin est ens, quia est aliquid a­licui [...]s.; est autem non ens, q [...]ia ens contin [...]tur ibi. Exerc▪ 5. 3. Scalig: Scaliger saith of Locus; that he is Quodammodo ens, quodammodo nō ens. If a Coūtry life inuites him hee yeelds: the Court requests him, hee yeelds likewise: But then disgrace averts him to his study; a Library is gottē: by this time loue hath struck him, & he adores the Saint: But then some play declames against this loue; hee quickly is perswaded, & fol­lowes Poetry. Thus my vaga­bond of vanity is from post to [Page 233] pillar transported, because hee trauels without a perfect licē [...]e. You shall soone discern him by his arguments and reasons; They (for the principalls) flow from one fountaine of igno­tance: for all his proofe depends vpon I thinke so, Euery man saith so All dislike it: His very conuersa­tion is infectious, but neuer frustrate: for eyrher you must follow him, and that way you must looke to be a looser: or he will follow you, & then resolue that your intention thriues but badly. No obiect, no societie, season, thought, or language, comes amisse, or vnexpected: his pollicie therefore seekes to be rather frequent then effectuall; to run about the world daily, then trauell seriously; to see a multitude, before societie; and gesse at much, rather then know [Page 234] a little. In his discourse he daun­ces All Trades, and flies from field to thicket, as being hunted by an Ignis fatuus. Talke of Academies and hee tels you Court-newes: search into the estate of a que­stion, and he tels you what new booke is extant. If you discourse he still desires the conclusion; and is attentiue rather to the se­quell, then careful to vnderstand the premisses. In his behauiour he would seeme French, Italian, Spanish, or any thing, so he may seeme vn-vulgar; accounting it barbarous not to contemne his owne nation, or the common good, because hee loues to bee more valued by seeming singu­larly pretious: His diuerse habit onely discouers him to be true English: and to bee weary of the place, colours his employment: To liue (with him) is all vanitie; [Page 236] and that life alone his deerest happinesse: his death therefore may bee some-what doubtfull, because with it hee hath no Beeing.

CHARACTER. X. A Gamester

IS Fortunes Vassaile, temptations Anuile, or an Lidi primi omniun in venerunt ludos t [...]sse­ras & sub Atty rege [...] primo qui [...] est eo nomine: [...] fa mē decipi­ehant hi po­pul [...] in vicē Ludend [...] & edendo, [...]. [...]. 2. [...]. out-landish text, which may be soone transtated into cheaters English: He affects ga­ming from a schoole-boy; and superstitiously fore-thinks how his minde giues him. The ele­ments of fire, earth, and aire, be with him alike predominant; he is inflamed with rage, melan­choly with thoughts, iouiall with fortune: but hee neuer weeps in sorrow or repentance: When he looses little, you must [Page 237] know he looses much, for hee loues that any man should con­iecture he is able: But though his lucke be infinite to win a­boundance, yet can he seldome haue the lucke to purchase. If he quarrels, you may protest hee looses, and he must scramble or be b [...]aton ere hee can bee quiet: if he make peace you must meet him in the winning way; and then you might more safely swagger with him: he loues his owne aduantage well enough to be a Lawyer, but would make a most preposterous Iudge. The seauen deadly sinnes sleep in his pocket; and hee neuer drawes money but the noise awakes them. Pride, Lechery, sloth, and Gluttony, be his Sabboth sinnes, which (out of gettings) he employes on Festiuals, and Sundayes. Blaspemy and mur­ther [Page 238] play the Drawers with him, and bring the fearefull recko­ning of his losses; and in steed of Vsury, Theft plaies the Scriue­ner to furnish him with money: He can both fast, and watch, and yet is farre enough from being a true penitent: for curses fol­lowing, doe discouer why the rest was intended. Let him be sunne-burnt and ill-fauourd, yet he hath this priuiledge, that if he scornes quarrelling and false Dice, he shall be thought a faire gamester. Fortune makes him her most silly States-man: shee holds him by the chinne a while, but ere he can recouer what he onely wishes, he sinkes inconti­nent, and worthily, for losse and gaine alike encourage him, but neuer satissie. Neither cares he to be thought an insatiable fel­low: for when he hath in any [Page 239] mans opinion, fild his belly, his bones, are most busie. If he plaies vpon Ticket, he knowes you are but a simple fellow not able to exact, though hee re­solues to pay nothing; so he did neuer purchase, if not this way, except he borrowes; and that extends farre enough to make him thy debtor at his own plea­sure. If he be perished, his re­stauratiō is too feminine, thogh not degenerate; for seeing he was ruind vnder the Goddesse Fortune, he may well claime the portion of a rich widdow. If neither shee, nor any shee-crea­ture else be gratious, let him vnpittied proue a Cheater, for he thrust himselfe to exile, & went to willing bondage.

CHARACT: XVI. A Nouice

IS one still ready to aske the way, yet farre from finding it, though you doe direct him: He is in­deed a simple thing of one and twenty, that dares safely be a pu­pill to any Tutor. Or take him naturally for a familiar kinde of Spaniell, that may be readily taken vp, and stolne away from himselfe, or his best resolutions. He is euer haunted with a blush­ing weakenesse, and is as willing to embrace any, as not to bee distastfull vnto any: he trusts any mans opinion before his owne, and will commit his life to him that can insinuate: you get acquaintance with him by a bare salutation; drinke to him [Page 241] with a new complement, and you haue purchased his entire loue, till hee bee cheated. The name of Country-man, or ciuill carriage, vnlockes his Cabinet of intentions, till you extract the very quintessence. Good For­tunes tickle him without mea­sure; and he findes no reason to moderate his ioy, till he shewes the way for others to disapoint him; and being disapointed he is quiet. He cannot chuse but be exceeding credulous, for he confutes nothing further then his eye-sight, or common sense extends. Draw him to the paradise of taking all in good part; or teach him to appre­hend the worst things well, by screwing in a meere conceit of your generosity, & he will thrust the ward-shippe of his credit, Lands, or Body, to your patro­nage; [Page 242] So you may take reliefe, and tender Marriage though his father held not in Knights ser­uice. If you misdoubt he should perceiue you, or if you thinke it difficult to deceiue him; com­pare his Title with his Index, or both together with his stuffe contained, and you may soone discerne him: For eyther vnex­pectedly he doth betray himself, or false fire will discharge him: with much a doe, desiring to get a Mistrisse, hee proues some whores Idolater; and he feeles naturally for the haruest of his chin before seede time. Being a little boulstred vp with sweete heresies of subtill language, and Musicall Tauernes, he suddenly beginnes (except some charita­ble hand reclaimes him) to mis­take Tobacco for a precious hearbe: and oftentimes I thinke [Page 243] it cures his raw humour, by o­peration of the price, without the Physicke. You may easilie also driue him to mistake brown paper for Littletons Tenures; can­uas, and Red Herrings, for his Fathers hopp bagges and Lent prouision. I need not say hee will be valorous; for Parasites & Gony-catchers know, he often­times can see he hath been chea­ted, & yet his modesty will not suffer him to inforce satisfactiō. He is the cōmon stocke of Roa­ring▪ boyes and Sharkes, to re­medy their wants: A bigg pro­testariō makes him ye old to any man of outside that will bor­row, as soon as ten theiues with swords and pistols: So that hee is good for nothing but to blun­ten a Cheaters pollicy; because he is catcht with so little paines taking. A Spiders thred will [Page 244] catch him: an easie charme will strip him naked. Hee will much wonder at a triuiall event, and thinkes it Witch-craft to fore­see disaduantage. As for the world, Religion, or naturall cau­ses, he can enquire of them, but difficultly beleiue reason: In the shutting vp therefore of his fol­ly hee doth confesse the Cha­racter, & leaues it to succession.

CHARACT. XVII. An Epicure

IS the picture of Some-body, or a man of two sences: the Eye & the Palate: for his smelling property is stuffed with the va­pours of a full stomacke; his hands are the instruments of his mouth, no sences; and the belly hath no [...]ares, but a trusse to [Page 245] support it: He is his owne Tay­lor, & thinks directly that more expences belong to the linings, then to the outside. Hee will grow frends with any man, that serues his stomacke: If he reads the fable in Aesop how the mem­bers conspir'd against the belly; he growes empty with conceite of it; and in reuenge (I thinke) makes the belly conspire against the members. He cannot stirre in businesse without a Coach, or a Litter; and then hee is sud­denly interrupted, if the clocke strikes Eleuen. Hee is (whatsoe­uer some thinke) a good Physi­tion for his owne body; for hee still riseth from the Table with an appetite; and is soone ready for another meale of dainties. If hee bee a Lawyer, the best meates will soonest corrupt his carkasse, and his conscience: for [Page 246] he feeds immoderately, and will doe much for a brace of Phea­sants. If hee bee a Diuine, he preaches all Charity, and discō ­mends Gentlemen extreamely, because they leaue House-kee­ping. He thinks his bed the best study, and therfore speakes well in the praise of stretching medi­tations. He accounts Cookery a delicate science, and preferres the knowledge of confectionary receipts; to which purpose no­thing passes through the throat, till he takes particular notice of the ingredients. He is troubled much to thinke, how hee may most readily shorten his life, & not perceiue the reason: There­fore hee reuolues continually, what may bee most conuenient for the taste, and hurtfull for the stomacke. He inuites himselfe to much prouender by accident [Page 247] of visitation; though hee comes with a resolued policy: But hee scornes blushing, like a cōmon smell-feast; & vpon true reason: For modest bloud (being clarifi­ed and pure) cannot finde way, through inch-deepe fatt, when it is call'd to answere. Hee pro­uokes many solemne meetings, vnder the title of Hospitality, whē hee makes himselfe (by these meanes) fitter for an Hospitall. Hee is contented to bestow bro­ken meate among poore folkes, but no money: for he loues not to depart with that, in which himselfe hath been no taster. He is the noted foe of famine, and yet hee is daily imployed about the procreation of a dearth: for the value of nothing is beyond his ability, if hee hath present money, though no more then e­nough to discharge the present [Page 248] commodity; or credite to make men trust vpon executors. Hee hath heightned the price of out-Landish-fruits, & hath purcha­sed the generall name to our Countrey of Sweet-mouth'd Eng­lish-men. Marrow-pyes, Potato­rootes, Eringoes, and a cup of Sacke bee his chiefest Restora­tiues, and comfortable Phisicke: Hee makes no dinner without a second course. He is ouer ruled more by his teeth, then his ap­petite: For when they growe weary, he leaues feeding, & falls to drinking: which argues (vn­lesse I mistake) a larger capacity of Stomacke then Vnderstanding. But hee doth or should tremble, to see meate stuft with Parsely; because it represents a Coarse laid out for buriall. He keeps a high point of statelinesse in car­riage; for hee delights rather in [Page 149] a subtill [...]latterer, or secretary, that giues good elbowe atten­dance, then to heare himselfe discourse, or any who neglects to feed his humour; either with commendations, or vailing re­uerence to his high fortunes, or with licentious fables, and derisions of his opposites. If dinner bee ended, and you de­sire to conuerse with him, you must tarry till he be awake: for his vast chaire, a downy couch, and chiefly a fine capable seat in the Church, that may confront the Preacher, are three easie & common receptacles for his full stomack. None resembles death in sleepe so fitly, yet none makes lesse morall. For indeede his sleeps are full of stinke and rot­tennes▪ and so secure, that they rather proue death it selfe, then a remembrance. It is Athene­us lib. 1. cap. 1. reported [Page 250] how Cambletes the gluttonous King of Lydia deuoured in a [...]reame his wife while she lay sleeping together in the same bed; and finding her hand be­tweene his teeth when he awa­ked, he slew himselfe fearing dis­honour: which story is intended (I thinke) an epicures morall: for in his idle dreaming life, he will deuour a wiues portion, & when he hath consumed all to fragments he wakens: and (fear­ing discredit) dyes vnto the world by liuing obscurely or pines away in sorrow. Briefly, being true English, hee will ab­horre thirst, & hunger, be­cause he scornes a Lib▪ de [...], asserit quam- pri­ [...]úm esse [...]il Panos & frigoris & tamis pati­entes. Spa­niard, and his pro­perties.

CHARACT: XVIII. A Churle

IS the superflaity of solemne beha­uiour: And was intended for an allay to fifty light Iouiall constitutions; but Natura intendit op­timum. Nature be­ing then otherwise employed, hee was (against her will) made a monstrous lump of Hu­manity; through the negligence of her hand-maids: good nutri­ment,Terrores & melancho­lica pertur­batio, par­tum ter [...]e­num, reddit Iohan: Gas­sanio de g [...] ­gant. and education: or the ma­lice of her enemies, Sorrowes and a [...]frightment. Hee is the vnsociable sonne of Saturne, that lookes strangely at the face of man, as if he were another thing then himselfe. Hee thinkes, to be familiar is to betray himselfe; and that the world might plen­tifully be inhabited, by him one­ly, and a couple of drudges. If [Page 252] you be ciuill, he saith you are phantasticke; and friendly lan­guage he termes slattery. His learning and aduise be a com­pany of miserable prouerbs much of this making; a foole & his money is soone parted: Wise e­nough to keepe his owne: store is no sore: light gaines make a heauy purse: bring not a noble to ninepence: He speakes of sparing as if he fitted himselfe to beg in a grate and pray passengers to spare their charitable almes: And hee doth readily consent to the prisoners when they beg in that language. You may offend your selfe and him, lesse, if you kill him right out, then if you discourse with him halfe an houre. No estate, no aduancement, can remoue his humour: for he doth not liue (whilst he liues not discon­tented) but sleeps, or coūterfeits. [Page 253] He thinkes salutations were or­dained to beguile, or betray; hee loues not therefore to salute, or be saluted. He will refuse gifts, that come from reconciled foes and thinkes an iniurie can neuer be forgotten. On equall termes likewise, he is hartily vnwilling to receiue, except (in glory) he can ouer-value his deserts, by thinking he hath deserued tenne times more. A selfe-respect, and a disdaine of others, be his nou­rishing vices: So he chuses ra­ther to loose a bargaine, then to become a debtor; for he holds it more honour and pollicy to steale, then to be beholding. If you enquire his health, or the times newes, hee dares protest you are an impertinent, or a shallow companion. He may be called Barbarons by the same reason that [...] was o cal­led of an A­rabi [...] word Barbar; which sig­nifies to murmur, because the peoples [...] a murmu [...] ­ing to the first [...]. Barbary was calld [Page 254] Barbarie: for hee doth alwaies murmur. Other mens triumph is his sorrow, other mens sor­row his trumph: for in his con­science he hath reioyced neuer, if not in the mis-fortuns of some, or all. The least aduersity makes him thinke vpon a halter: and if you perswade him to patience, by re­membring others crosses, or the necessity of trouble in this life, he will be worse madded with your councell then with his affliction. His councells and instructions, makes him shew, most like a Chimney set on fire; consisting of ranke▪ sootie cho­ler: which doth enflame and harden whomsoeuer he deales with; not warme nor molifie with comforts and perswasions: It is better to perish, then to craue his helpe▪ for he limits himselfe only to negatiues. [Page 255] His entertainments be, a fierce dogge to bid you welcome, a currish voice to confirme it, and the way is open for a fare-well. The first two be apparant, the latter he intends: So doth he embrace acquaintance or neigh­bours; but impotent people he threatens in another kinde, with Whippe, stocks, & Beadle, they one­ly be his familiars & defenders. His Dog, and hee, are the onely good fellowes, and his dogge proues the better man, by being more tractable. He will preuent you in a commodity, and giue more; as also, hee dares discre­dit any thing, or any, not with a meaning to commend his own, but to endammage others. Hee will bee shauen all waies to the best helpe of a deformity: And though his actions will soone verifie the character, yet he will [Page 256] more mis-shape nature by ill-fa­uoured Linnen, a greasie Felt, & garments made for the purpose; as if hee meant to discouer him­selfe by the fore-head, least hee should not bee knowne quickly. Hee is vnsatisfied vpon the smal­lest wrong, and will rather take the lawes assignement, though a trifle, then be content with large composition: yet none doth more grumble against the Law­professors. Hee listens to the death of great Personages, as a Butchers dogge to the Oxes slaughter; reioycing to be glut­ted with his entrailes, or vices, seeing hee is not bettred by his body of worth, the best food. It [...]attens him to heare a prodi­galls consumption, though hee partakes nothing in the Bootie. If you fasten a guift vpon him, his thankes bee liberall (though [Page 257] he doth not requite) if hee doth not brand you with an insinua­ting Title: Yet in extremity of his humour hee is so farre (as he thinkes) from being vncharita­ble, as hee makes the charity of Coūsell, Purse, or [...], things that would [...] [...]ittle thanke for his labour: and so he practi­ses them vnder the ranke of such things as doe not concern him: He saith therefore, Meddle with me, when I meddle with you. So that if shame prouokes his wealth to inuite strangers, hee hath no bountiful meaning, but a resolution to liue by broken meate long after: which doth not sauour well, except it bee mouldy: that, and himselfe there­fore, should be spent sooner; o­therwise they grow visibly odi­ous, but himselfe more odious then that.

CHARACT. XIX. An Athiest

IS no reasonable Man: For hee will sooner embrace a super­ficiall col [...] [...] in things of mo­ment, the [...] [...] into direct causes: As for obuious & com­mon accidents, he neuer lookes vpon them so much with reason as vpon matters of course. In all he doth desire, hee is little better then a Beast; fore-casting onely to make a good temporall suc­cesse, & satisfie himselfe by his owne proiects: & he is therfore no reasonable man, because no religious man: For Heathens and Barbarians haue from the begin­ning been worshippers of som­what. There needes no better directiō to know there is a God; then to knowe that an Atheist is [Page 259] Gods enemy. If thou canst seeme to bee familiar with him, & enter into the extremities of ill fortune, or begin to speake of great mens funerals, or honest mens persecutions, hee will in­stātly discouer what he beleiues; being bolde enough to speake plainly (if thou canst apprehēd) that vertue, innocence, & crafty dealing are alike rewarded: That wicked and religious men haue no differēce but the Name: That wronges may lawfully (if without danger apparant) bee repelled with worse wronges: and that therfore it argues base­nesse of spirit, to contemne any preferment of aduantage: That expectation of other, wh [...]re ioy is already present, were dotage, or madnesse; and that honesty, which exceeds common forme, is singularity. From which Ar­guments [Page 260] you may draw the cō ­clusion. If hee reserues these precepts among strangers, his practise will verifie the pattern. Take this for a foundation, Eue­ry Atheist is a self-pleasing Epicure though they be not cōuertible. If he inclines more to Epicurisme then policy; this watch-word will be frequent in his cups, Hoc est vivere, hoc est vivere. But you may still obserue, that hee con­tends to wash away all care with company, discourse & laughter, as if he knew his vsurious credi­tor (a guilty conscience) waited to expostulate with him at an aduantage. One therfore of this proportiō, is more liable to the Law, but lesse dangerous to the common-wealth. Hee bringes most villany that feeles the dis­ease inward; and confutes his owne obiections with salacious [Page 261] doctrine. He liues much about the fountaine of Iniquity, and ther­fore he must propoud that those streames of custome be tolera­ble, or leaue his profession. Hee hath a naturall flourish for su­per-natural accidents. He turnes Diuinity into colourable inuentions of Philosophy. Hee knowes euery thing vnder the name of a natu­rall body: hee beleeues Nature to be an inuisible power, which in­tended generation for corrupti­on, and corruption for genera­tion. Hee distinguishes bodies into simple and compound, and makes creation a vulgar proiect obedient to the harmony of ele­ments. Then, if hee knowes the meaning of Homogenea, & Hetro­genea, of corpus imperfecté mixtū, and perfecté mixtū, hee remaines largely satisfied. As for the cau­ses of terrible events, hee appre­hends [Page 262] the power of Exhalations, Meteors, Comets, & the Antiperi­stasis: which very names are able to forbid all further inquisition. Hee goes not therefore beyond himselfe & such as him [...]elfe, for an authority: and hee esteemes it more conuenient to thinke there is a reason in nature, then to trouble his brain with finding another, when it exceeds his po­sitions. He neuer was taken for a friend in society, neither can he bestow loue, because he cannot aduenture his person; life being his whole faelicity. If at any time therefore he intended loue, he intended likewise a Physitian; & him, no furtherthen agreed with his own Hum dum radicale: which must also be vnderstood, if him­selfe were no Physitian. He is alwaies cōfident beyond refor­mation. Hee dies with hope be [Page 163] tweene his iawes, and therefore one may think him no desperate sla [...]e: but such hope deceiues him, because hee hopes to liue longer. So that like a candles end burning in the socket, he goes out stinking, with delay, and many faintings.

CHARACT. XX. A Lyar

IS the falsest Diall in the Parish: whilst Memory the Sexton, who should keep language his clocke in order, lyes drunken in Security, the cōmon A [...]e house. Arithmeticke is in him a naturall vice; or at least the difficult parts of the Science: for he can both Substract and Multiply with more ease then speake true Eng­lish: He may as well be a Trades­man [Page 264] of any sort by his professi­on, as a Knight of the Post, or a man-pleaser. He should (by his qualities) bee a good Gamester; for the one is iust in league with a voluntary ignorance, or an in­forced knowledge, as much as the other: Hee neuer offends this way, but he offends double; for hee cannot with credit, or knowledge of the Art Military, think it sufficient to defend with bare affirmance, and the walls of circumuention, except his can­non-othes be ready planted and discharged. Hee is not guilty of his own vice alone; for [...]eldome doth he avouch that, which his confederate wil not iustifie: and therfore he prouides adherents for security; but in his owne sin­gle opinion hee doth match Co­pernicus. His common misery is well knowne, it persecutes him [Page 265] with diuine Iustice, for all his truths extraordinary, winne no beleife; because false-hoods are so frequent. He takes it for gran­ted, that hee can grace or dis­grace any man at his pleasure: & if inuention or his eloquence were able, hee could not want his purpose. It were Gods due Iustice if he should run mad; for he deuides his meaning and his word; and so distracts himselfe. Any ad [...]ātage accruing to him­selfe prouokes his faculty; though somtimes a friends loue entices him to strange aduen­tures. If neither the first nor se­cond bee opportune, hee so la­bors onely to beget wonderfull narrations. He is ready enough to ouer-value himselfe, his friends, and his commodity: ac­counting it a politick straine to sett an excellent [...]aire glosse on [Page 266] all; that hee may purchase the reputation of a large estate: Which seemes to argue an in­nocent vpright course, not fea­ring tyrāny: But indeed he doth (from hence) deceiue the world and dye a beggar, through the fore-going of estimation.

Let him liue about great per­sons and his best discourses will be lye-blowne with tales of ho­nour: but turne him to pasture a little into Spaine or Italy, and he will purge himselfe (in England) of twenty times more then he receiued. Hee [...]els no wonder without some prepara­tiue: as namely, he admits be­fore-hand what may be: or he begins thus: You may thinke it is a lie: or, it will seeme strange, but I protest before God, it is very true▪ But if he be one that maintaines Ordinaries & publick meetings [Page 267] in delight of new relations; he speaks altogether vpon credible report; and you shall be the third man partakes of the nouel­ty: for he hath alwaies talked with one, that was an eye-wit­nesse: if hee were not himselfe the agent or beholder. Some­times he delights to be a Isti con­ [...] [...] ­dam [...] glo [...]ia vbi [...] hai [...] in T [...] ­oph [...]r: lib: Eth [...]: Cha­ [...]: in­ [...] o­ [...]: qui memo­rat [...] era [...] ab [...] [...] quae [...] vix [...] obu [...] [...]. glori­ous fellow; and then no letters be conueyd from Italy or France; and no disgraces or aduance­ments bee meditated in the court without his knowledge. He may at his election be ad­mitted into the Colledge of Iesuits: but he loues not to for­sake his Country, though he boasts of travailes; and yet he is a meere fugi [...]iue. He was ori­ginally intended for a Rhetori­cian; and lackes onely a little instruction: For hee is more conuersant with Tropes the [...] Fi­ [...]; [Page 268] and yet the figure of re­petition, is his owne naturall. Attention makes thee very much culpable in his reports: beliefe makes thee apt to erre in the same kinde. He is more confident (if he could be vnca­sed) in the rare exployts of Ro­sac [...]ere, and Delphoebo, Amadis de Gaule, or Parismus, then the most holy Text of Scripture. It is an aequall difficulty to discerne his truth and vntruth: for he is no­thing but falshhood, yet contra­ry to falshood, and contrary to truth: hauing more conueyan­ces then a bawdy-house, or a suspected victualler. The truth is, there is no truth in him: let him tell me, that himselfe lyes, and I will nor beleeue him. If he should striue for Antiquity, no English Generation can compare with him: And yet he [Page 269] needes no Herald, for he deriues his Pedigree immedatly from the deuill.

CHARACT: XXI. A Drunkard.

IS in Opinion a good fellow, in practise a liuing conduit. His vi­ces are like Errata in the latter end of a false coppie: they point the way to vertue by setting downe the contrary. Hee is at all points armed for a Knight errant, and cald vpon for aduen­tures, euery way as full of ha­zard. This makes him enter boldly into the Lyons, or the Greene Dragons Caue; into the White Beares iawes, the Mermaids closets, the Sunnes Palace; nay, more, into the de­uills chamber of presence. And [Page 270] for his Trauailes let the, Globe witnesse; through euery corner of which, he hath or can walke at his pleasure. Freedome hee challenges, & therefore scornes to be a tedious customer, till by enforcement, hee drinkes vpon record; otherwise he shiftes his watring place; either to auoid his lowse the Bayliffe▪; or to re­new his fountaine: the last one­ly pleades for his commendati­on, because hee proceedes still from worse to better: which discommends him most, be­cause it nourishes his facultie. The torment of his eye-sight is a frothy Tapster, or a sluggish Drawer with a deceitfull pot. The plagues of his palat be good wines, where he cannot purchase, nor be trusted: or a Tauerne well furnished, that ioynes to the prison doore: they [Page 271] vexe him, as a feast vexes the fa­mished, in a strong Castle: or a Lambe the starued Foxe, when Mastiff [...]s be awake. He neuer disallowes religion for putting L [...]nt in the Almanacke: for To­bacco, a Rasher, and red Her­rings, his instruments of relish, are at al times perhibited. There is some affinity betwixt him and a Chamelion: he [...]eeds vpon ayre; for he doth care his word fami­liarly. He hath a cheape course of breake-fasts, to auoide din­ners; which at his pleasure he can spare, through morning antidotes▪ the inquisition of these he studies, and looses by the knowledge. He indifferent­ly concludes, & beginnes quar­rels: that quality neither much blames nor praises him. Hee cannot run fast enough to proue a good Foot-man: for Ale and [Page 272] beere (the heauiest element next earth) will ouertake him. Opor­tunity he embraces, but in a bad sense: for he is rather studious to follow any mans calling then his owne. His nose the most in­nocent, beares the corruption of his other senses folly: From it may bee gathered the em­bleme of one falsely soandald: for it not offending, is colou­rably punished. It serues there­fore for nothing but such an Embleme, except to proue the owners great innocence, by how much it is the greater: His eminent seeming vertues be his peculiar vices: For his casting vp expences, and his wisedome ouer ihe pot, be his vnthriftinesse and folly. Sacke and strong li­quours hardens him in his custome; according to the na­ture of a bricke: as if he were [Page 273] ambitious to be red earth, like Adam. He proues the Philoso­phers opinion of Man, better then any; for he is animal cali­dissimum and humidissimum the hottest and the moystest crea­ture. Hee were vtterly base, if vnable to defend his habite: you shall therefore know him by his arguments. If he inclines to Scholler-ship, they be these: First, to abandon melancholy; For care, hee saith, kils a Cat: then to auoide mischieuous thoughts; for hee that drinkes well, sleepes well, and hee that sleepes well thinkes no har [...]e: hee may be thought a fit trauai­ler in difficult iournies, for he cannot misse the way; no more then a blinde man misses a pic­ture. His teeth be strongest, because least employed: Hence you may take the embleme of [Page 274] one truly miserable; who a­bounds in profites, vnprofitable to himselfe. A beggar, and hee are both of one stocke, but the beggar claimes antiquity: the beggar begs that he may drink, and hath his meaning: the other drinkes that he may beg, and shall haue the true meaning shortly. In the degree of beg­gars it is thought he will turne Dummerer, he practises already, and is for that purpose many times taken speechlesse. If he goes out in the morning a liber­tineLibertinus est manu­mistus ser­vus. [...]x Do­nati com­ment: Te­r [...]nti: or a man lately manu-misd from liquor, he returnes at night a prisoner, if he doth re­turne: for he cannot returne safely without his keeper: other­wise, he conuer [...]s suddenly from flesh to fish, and diues into the mud, or swims in his owne wa­ter. These together may proue [Page 275] fasting-dayes to be his naturall season. Whilst he is waking, he purges all secrets; least I there­fore by keeping him awake lon­ger, should erre in the same kinde, I haue now cast him into a dead sleepe.

CHARACT: XXII. A begging Scholler

IS an Artificiall vagabond: Hee tooke his first degree (as may be imagined) in the Vniuersi­ty: But he neuer thinks himselfe a full Graduate; till by Cosmogra­phicall science, hee surueys the degrees of Longitude, and Lati­tude, belonging to most of our famous Cittyes in England: So hee becomes Practitioner in the Mathematicks, though hee pre­tends Diuinity by order of Cō ­mencement, [Page 276] which might bee a safe licence among diuers; if the Statute vouchsafed not to take notice of his roguery. He hath from the first houre of his Ma­triculation inherited the name of Sharke, by way of a generall dependance in the Colledge: But being perhaps expulsed, or departing in a hungry humour, hee trauels with a prompt me­mory, in stead of other know­ledge; and aboue all things hee is wise enough for himselfe, to remember his wants. He neuer looked into Diuinity beyond the meaning of two Sermons; and vpon those hee hath insisted so often, that he feeles no neede of another Library. He still pre­tends (like some single Phisitiā) the cure of one disease, that is, the colde of Charity, and there­fore (his charitable aduise being [Page 277] ended) a bill of receipt followes for the ingredients: But the dis­ease may bee thought to grow more desperate through the mistaken cure; because the me­dicine is applyed vnfitly. His helpe extends farre and neere to fugitiue Raga-muffins, vnder the signe of impotent Soldiers, or wandring Abraham-men: but his helpe proues the mainte­nance of their function, because it proues his owne, by occasion: For being receiued as a Secre­tary to the counsell of vagrants, hee conceales much idle pro­perty, in aduantage of himselfe and Country-men, not of the Common-wealth. If you would priuately know him; you must know likewise, the iourney to his friends hath beene tediously vndertaken; & whilst he bringes his money in question, you must [Page 278] know hee beggs for an answere, and so betrayes the doubt of sufficiency: Howsoeuer (in pub­licke) hee insinuates a depriuati­on; by being too sufficient. Be­ing admitted (for Hospitality sake) to receiue lodging; he hath a slight of hand, or cleanly con­ueiance, which threaten siluer spoones; and leaues a desperate sorrow among all the houshold Seruants, because hee departed so soone. In the space of a natu­rall day he seldom trauailes fur­ther then to the next Ale house; that so by degrees he may ap­proach to a great Market vpon the Sabaoth. He paies for what he takes continually, one way or other: For being no customer, hee cannot be trusted, except in case of necessity; and then hee payes them experience to be­ware of such as he another time. [Page 279] Hee hath Learning to propound the Apostles president for tra­uailes, but conscience little e­nough to looke any further. If his family be not portable, it comes in the rereward, & awaits his returne to the Rende-vouze: if otherwise he be attended with neither wife, nor maid-seruant; he makes vse of both, as he finds himselfe able: He is sometime inducted by a simple Patron, to some more simple Vicarage; But his Tythes and Credit con­cluding in Haruest, he takes his flight with the Swallow: He cannot therefore thriue a­mong the promoted begging Schollers, because he hath no continuance.

CHARACTER. I. A Iaylor

IS the beggars body­lowse, which liues vp­on the bloud and car­case of them which can worst spare any: Hee proceeds commonly from such a one, as could not gouern him­selfe, to gouerne others imperi­ously: Hee cannot thinke of a place, more sutable with the safe practise of his villany: No, not among the Roarers, or the com­pany of quack-saluers. A thiefe, and a Murtherer, bee the names which make him iron madde, whiles himself proues the more [Page 281] exquisite offender: And if for­merly hee hath bin infamous a­mong all, it proues felicity with him now to insult ouer some, and growes the more implaca­ble. At his first induction, hee begins (like all new Officers) to reforme Methodically: Hee may very well seem a boūtifull Host, for he detaines his customers whether they will or not but his boūty retireth, when he looseth aduantage. Hee is a true Alchy­mist: no dreamer in that sciēce: no, not the best proficient hath thriu'd better in his proiections: He doth indeed more wisely (by vertue of his stone-walls, with­out the Philosophers stone) con­uert rusty lrō into perfect siluer: He makes men beleeue, that the poore captiues shall worke in daily labour to get a liuing: whiles his coniecture is verified [Page 282] in their nightly labor, by wor­king through the enclosure; or being idle they get liuings too many. And by this meanes he makes a difference betwixt picking & stealing: for whom­soeuer he with-holds from stea­ling hee suffers to vse picking freely. If he perceiues an o­pen obiect of increase, he will himselfe worke the meanes of disorder by plentifull liquor, that so a large fine may redeeme the quarrell: To which purpose he doth sophisticate his fuming Beere, to breed a skirmish the sooner: and then the dungeon is a dreadfull word, vntill a com­petent bribe pacifie his humor. Hee lookes as carnestly and as often vpon the palmes of hands as if hee could tell mens Fortunes: and the truth is he can giue a shroad coniecture by [Page 283] that speculation. Nothing makes him so merry as a harsh Mittimu [...], and a potent captiue: they come like an inscription with a fat goose against new­yeares-tide: but baile sounds a sorrowfull retrait: as if the in­feriour Theife should loose a booty by composition: and yet he will take his wiues suretiship for the more extent of liberty, because he knowes her perfect in the secrets of that Alchy­mie. Crueltyes are deriued from himselfe into his whole family. Hee is a circumspect companion, and still dreames of an escape: and of a breaking forth he may well dreame, ha­uing so many putrified sores in one body: but seldome do any escape in his debt, though at their breaking out, they be a weeke behinde: for aboue one [Page 284] weeke he neuer trusts; and not so long, vnlesse the former ad­uantage will recompence a fortnights arrerages. He hath as great a gift in changing mens dispositions as pouerty and courtship: for he can make them beg that otherwise are a­shamed to begge. Briefly, he is in a manner, the Deuils hunts­man, who keepes those Beagles either for castigation, because they were not cunning enough, else for amendment of the Chace. For if he sends them forth, they proue Graduates, when they escape the Gallowes. As for himselfe, you may either meet him in the midst of Car­rowses among his Customers, or riding post in mellancholy, to re-imparke his wilde runna­gates.

CHARACT. II. An Informer

IS a protected Cheater, or a Knaue in authoritic, licenced by autho­rity: he sprang from the cor­ruption of other mens disho­nesty; and meetes none so intri­cately vitious, but he can match the patterne: which makes him free of all Trades by the statu [...]e: for this giues him a freedome to seruey all besides himselfe. He is a fellow as much behold­ing to his fiue senses, as to his intellectuals: he can diuersly imploy all his senses about di­uerse obiects; but commonly they are all occupied about one or two chiefly: the winding vp of a [...]acke is better then musicke to his eates in Lent: the steame [Page 286] of a roasted ioynt attracts his nostrils vnsatiably: the sight of a shoulder of mutton then feeds his stomacke; but the taste and feeling of it, prouokes him to a dreadfull insultation. He is worse then an Otter-hound for a diue-dopping Ale-house-kee­per: and hunts him out vnrea­sonably from his Element of Li­quor; and yet he may seeme rea­sonable honest, for he hearkens readily to a composition. But whilst he consents to saue men harmelesse (vpon tearmes in­different) he makes open way for another of his coate to in­croach vpon the like premises. So that he seemes to be the dar­ling of some Welch pedigree: for he conspires with his owne profession, and makes a triumph of the least aduantage, in the very same manner. Let him be [Page 287] a tytle-sifter & he will examine lands as if they had committed high treason: But then he will be daunted though he weares a double night-cap in reading the due fortune of his predi­cessours Empson and Dudley; ex­cept his iudgement serues him to mistake the Chronicle. The lesser Foxe workes vpon simple creatures; and the base infor­mer vpon poore mens fortunes. He promiseth restauration to a forbidden Ale-house with an Exchequer licence to vexe the lustices: whilst hee takes forty shillings, three pound, or vp­ward for a single subpoena, to de­fend the Liquor-man, who in­curres new charges by trusting in the apparant cousenage. He takes away the relation betwixt a lawyer and his Client; and makes it generally extend to the [Page 288] Clearks in Offices; vnder whose safegard hee hath his Licence seal'd to trauaile: a foot-post & hee differ in the discharge of their packet, and the payment: for the Informer is content to tarry the next Tearme (perhaps) till a Iudgement. His profession affoords practisers both great and small; both bucke-hounds and harriers: the essence of both is inquisition. But the first is a more thriuing and ancient stocke of hatred: for he is a kinde of Antiquarie: the last is seldome medling with men much aboue him: howsoeuer, sometimes hee is casually the scourge of an ignorant Iustice.

CHARACT: III. A base Mercenary Poet

IS the most faithfull obsequious ser­uant of him that giues most: He [Page 289] subscribes his definition to all Dedicatory Epistles. If mother­wit raisd him to be a writer, hee shewes himselfe a dutiful childe and beggs Poems in defence of Nature: neither can he choose but betray himselfe to be a cos­set, by his odde frisking matter, and his Apish Titles: which may perswade any reasonable man, that hee studyes more to make faces, then a decent carri­age. If hee haue learnt Lillies Grammer, and a peece of Ouids Metamorphosis, he thinkes it time to ask his Patrons blessing with some worke that sauours very much of the authors meaning, and two or three Latine senten­ces. If hee hath seene the Vni­uersity, and forsaken it againe, because he felt no deserts which might challenge a Benefactor: Then hee calles euery man (be­sides [Page 290] his Patron) a despiser of Learning, and he is wonderfull angry with the world; but a brace of angels will pacifie his humour. If hee bee an expulsed Graduate, hee hath beene con­uersant so long with rules of Art, that hee can expresse no­thing without the Art of beg­ging, or publick sale: But com­monly hee is some swimming­headed Clark, who after he hath spent much time in idle Sōnets, is driuen to seeke the tune of Siluer, to make vp the consort. Necessity and couetous hire, bribe his inuention, but cannot corrupt his conscience: For though he vndertakes more thē hee is able, yet hee concludes within expectation of others that knowe him, and so hee de­ceiues himselfe only. Gold and Siluer onely doe not make him [Page 291] a hyerling; but enuy, malice, and the meanes to be made famous: among which means, the chiefe bee Libells, scandala magnatum, petty treasons, and imprison­ments. Hee will neuer for feite his day to necessity, if hee writes by obligation; which happens diuers times when hee is the Scriuener and the Debtor: For the tide of one Pamphlet being vented at his elbowes, with lea­ning vpon Tauerne-tables; hee tyes himselfe to certain limites; within which precincts he bor­rowes much, translates much, coynes much, conuerting all to his proiect: and if matter failes, hee flyes vpon the Lawyer, or disgraces an enemy. Hee may dissemble with the world for he dissembles with himselfe: stri­uing to conceiue well of errors, though his conscience tells him [Page 292] they bee grosse errors: And when hee heares his play hissed, hee would rather thinke bottle-Ale is opening (though in the midst of winter) then thinke his ignorance deserues it. His Apo­logies discouer his shifting cou [...]enage: for hee attributes the vices of his quil to the Ages infirmity; which endures no­thing but amorous delightes, close bawdry, or mirthfull Iests: As if the ignorance of any Age could hinder a wise mans pro­positions. He makes Poems that consist onely of verse and rime in stead of excellent cōposures, with the same confidence that ignorant Painters make a broad face and a flat-cap to signifie King Harry the eight: confoun­ [...]ing (like a bad Logician) the [...]orme and the dimention. Hee is a fraded fellow, though he seems [Page 293] a Scholler: but is neuer free of the Company, or accepted, till hee hath drunk out his Appren­tise-hood among the graund Masters: and then with an vniuo­call consent, hee may commend his Wares, turne them into the fashion, dresse ouer his olde Pamphlets, and not be any way disgrac'd among them. If his owne guilty iudgement cannot approue his owne Poems: Hee thinks his fortune good enough to make his Reader approue, or dispence with follies: and vpon that hope hee dares often pub­lish, and is as often laught at: but he hath wit enough to serue the whole Citty, if hee makes the Lord Maiors pageants. He presumes much vppon abso­lute good meanings, though the Text be palpable: and yet where hee commends himselfe best, he [Page 294] is not refractory, for he still pro­mises amendment, or some more voluminous worke, to gratifie his benefactors; but hee could neuer liue long enough to finish his miracles. Many haue beene accounted traytors who haue conspired lesse against the King then he: for he layes plots in wrighting to make the King loose his time, if hee vouchsafe to see them Acted. But hee is much indebted to the fauour of Ladies, or at least seemes to haue been gratiously rewarded. If he affects this humour, hee extolls their singular iudgement before hee meddles with his matter in question: and so selles himselfe to the worldes opinion. If his handes bee no more actiue then his head, hee is guiltie of many a good Scribes idlenesse, by ma­king that legible, which (before [Page 295] Transcription) might haue bin tollerable folly. If you be ther­fore an honest, or generous pa­tron, suffer him not to bee prin­ted.

CHARACT. IIII. A common Player

IS a slow Payer, seldom a Purcha­ser, neuer a Puritan. The Sta­tute hath done wisely to ac­knowledg him a Rogue E [...]ratum in the last [...] errant, for his chiefe essence is, King A­gesilaus tea­ches the re­sp [...]ct due to comm [...]n players in h [...]s and were [...]. [...] cor: & thin­king himself not graced enough by the kings no tice, as the King passed along, doth saw [...]ily in­terrupt him thus; doth not your ace know me? [...] said the King, thou art Ca [...] the Pl [...]yer. A daily Counterseit: He hath beene fami­liar so long with out-sides, that he professes himselfe, (being vn­knowne) to be an apparant Gen­tleman. But his thinne Felt, and his silke Stockings, or his foule Linnen, and faire Doublet, doe (in him) bodily reueale the Bro­ker: So beeing not sutable, hee [Page 296] proues a Motley: his mind obser­uing the same fashion of his bo­dy: both consist of parcells and remnants: but his minde hath commonly the newer fashion, and the newer stuffe: hee would not else hearken so passionately after new Tunes, new Trickes, new Devises: These together apparrell his braine and vnder­standing, whilst he takes the ma­terialls vpon trust, and is himself the Taylor to take measure of his soules liking. Hee doth conicc­ture somewhat strongly, but dares not commend a playes goodnes, till he hath either spo­ken, or heard the Epilogue: neither dares he entitle good things Good, vnless [...] hee be [...] on by the [...] [...]hen hee sait [...] [...] with a [...] cant or persist [...] hee [Page 297] pretends to haue a royall Master or Mistresse, his wages and de­pendance proue him to be the Iuxta Plau­tinum illud [...]: quin [...] conductior sum quam tragaedi aut comici. seruant of the people. When he doth hold conference vpon the stage; and should looke directly in his fellows face; hee turnes a­bout his voice into the assembly for applause-sake, like a Trum­peter in the fields, that shifts pla­ces to get an eccho. The cauti­ons of his iudging humor (if hee dares vndertake it) be a certaine number of sawsie rude iests a­gainst the common lawyer; han­some conceits against the fine Courtiers; delicate quirkes a­gainst the rich Cuckolda Citti­zen; shadowed glaunce for good innocent Ladies & Gentlewo­men; with a nipping scoffe for some honest Iustice, who hath imprisoned him: or some thrif­tie Trades-man, who hath allo­wed [Page 298] him no credit: alwayes re­membred, his obiect is, A new play, or A play newly reuiued. O­ther Poems he admits, as good­fellowes take Tobacco, or igno­rant Burgesses giue a voyce, for company sake; as thinges that neither maintaine, no [...] be against him. To be a player, is to haue a mithridate against the pesti­lence: for players cannot tarry where the plague raignes; and therfore they be seldome infec­ted. He can seeme no lesse then one in honour, or at least one mounted; for vnto miseries which persecute such, he is most incident. Hence it proceeds, that in the prosperous fortune of a play frequented, he proues immoderate, and falles into a Drunkards paradise, till it be last no longer. Otherwise when ad­uersities come, they come toge­ther: [Page 299] For Lent and Shrouetues­day be not farre asunder, then he is deiected daily and weekely: his blessings be neither lame nor monstrous; they goe vpon foure legges, but mooue slowly, and make as great a distance be­tween their steppes, as between the foure Tearmes. Reproofe is ill bestowed vppon him; it can­not alter his conditions: he hath bin so accustomed to the scorne and laughter of his audience, that hee cannot bee ashamed of himselfe: for hee dares laugh in the middest of a serious confe­rence, without blushing. If hee marries, hee mistakes the Wo­man for the Boy in Womans at­tire, by not respecting a diffe­rence in the mischiefe: But so long as he liues vnmarried, hee mistakes the Boy, or a Whore for the Woman; by courtin [...] the [Page 300] first on the stage, or visiting the second at her deuotions. When hee is most commendable, you must confesse there is no truth in him: for his best action is but an imitation of truth, and nul­lum simile est idem. It may be ima­gined I abuse his carriage, and hee perhaps may suddenly bee thought faire-conditioned: for he playes aboue boord. Take him at the best, he is but a shifting com panion; for hee liues effectually by putting on, and putting off. If his profession were single, hee would thinke himselfe a simple fellow, as hee doth all professi­ons besides his owne: His own therefore is compounded of all Natures, all humours, all pro­fessions. Hee is politick also to perceiue the common-wealth doubts of his licence, and there­fore in spight of Parliaments or [Page 301] Statute [...] hee incorporates him­selfe [...] the title of a brother­hood. Painting & fine cloths may not by the same reason be called abusiue, that players may not be called rogues: I would haue the [...] Pedant goe study [...]o­gicke. For they bee chiefe ornaments of his Maiesties Reuell [...]. I need not multiplie his charac­ter; for boyes and euery one, wil no sooner see men of this Facul­tie walke along, but they wil (vn­asked) informe you what hee is by the vulgar title. Yet in the generall number of them, many may deserue a wise mans com­mendation: and therefore did I prefix an Epithite of common, to distinguish the base and artlesse appendants of our citty compa­nies, which often times start a­way into rusticall wanderers and then (like Proteus) start backe againe into the Citty num­ber.

CHARACT: V. A Warrener

IS an earthly minded man: Hee pluckes his liuing from the earths bowels: and therefore is his minde most conuersant about that element: He liues in a little Arcenall or watch-to­wer, being well prouided with Engines & Artilery: with which (like another tyrant) he doth encounter the enemies of his Inhabitants; that hee may en­grosse them all the more entire­ly: And yet in some respects he is a good Gouernour, for he de­lights more in the death of one enemy, then sixe subiects: The reason is apparant: for one foe is able to destroy twentie of his Vassailes; and so his gaines be [Page 303] preuented: Therefore a Pole­cat and he, are at continuall va­riance: yet he is charitable and mercifull, for if the Pole-cat turns Ferret & obeys him, none agree better: Hee doth Waiue much spoyle by his mid-night watches, and yet he owes no Lord▪ship: The truth is, tum­blers, nets, and other trafficke do escheate to him, although the owner be liuing. He verifies the prouerb of plenty: the more he hath, the more he would haue: for though his owne ground be full of breeders, yet he cannot forbeare to haue his hand in priuate Warrens. Hee is much, and most perplexed, because pales and hedges will not keepe his Cattell in com­passe: if he cannot therefore compound with the neigh­bours adiacent, he hath a tricke [Page 403] to affright those that transgresse their limites, by scattering mur­thered captiues (as Pole-cats, and Weasels) in their places of refuge: And this is a deepe quil­let in the profession: Besides this he hath little knowledge of mo­ment, except the science of ma­king Trappes: or circumuen­tion of innocent dogs to feed vermine. The chiefe petition of his prayer, is for blacke frosts, Sunne-shine weather, & calme midnights: vnder protecti­on of the last, he walkes feare­lesse, with a pike staffe, to exer­cise the liberty of that season a­mong other mens backsides: Where he hath many night­spels, to the hazard of much Pullen, and indeed all things thieue able; if he doth not play the valiant Foot-man, and take tribute of passengers: Neither [Page 305] is he worthy to be such a dealer with nets and Cony chatching if he could not intrap the Kings subiects: I make no question therefore that he is worthy of his profession: howsoeuer sometimes he is catcht in a pit­fall of liquor by his compani­ons: whilst they perhaps being Poulterers, proue tyrannicall substitutes, and rob his possessi­ons: but in reuenge, hee doth often encroach vpon the Poul terers likewise with a drunken bargaine.

CHARACT. VI. A Huntsman

IS the lieutenant of dogs, and foe to Haruest: He is proudly wil­ling to gouerne; and because he findes himselfe vnsufficient to [Page 306] deale with men wisely, he com­mands dogs; which fawne vpon the Master and snarle at stran­gers. He is froli [...]ke in a faire morning fit for his pleasure; and alike reioyceth with the Virgini­ans, to see the rising Sunne: He doth worship it, as they; but worships his Game more then they: And in some things al­most as barbarous. A sluggard he contemnes, and thinkes the resting time might be shortned; which makes him rise with day, obserue the same pace, & proue full as happy; if the day be hap­pie. The names of Foxe, Hare, and Bucke, be all tracting silla­bles; sufficient to furnish fifteen meales with long discourse in the aduentures of each. Foxe drawes in his exploits done a­gainst Cubbes, Bitch▪ foxes, Ot­ters, and Badgers: Hare, brings [Page 307] out his encounters, plat-formes engines, fortifications, & night­worke done against Leueret, Cony, Wilde-cat: Rabbet, Weasell, and Pole-cat: Then Bucke, the Captaine of all, pro­uokes him (not without strong Passion) to remember Hart, Hinde, Stagge, Roe, Pricket, Fa [...]ne, and Fallow Deere. Hee vses a dogged forme of gouern­ment, which might be (without shame) kept in Humantie; and yet he is vnwilling to be gouer­ned with the same reason: either by being satisfied with pleasure, or content with ill fortune. Hee hath the discipline to marshall dogs, and sutably; when a wise Herald would rather meruaile, how he should distinguish their coats, birth, and gentry. Hee carries about him in his mouth the very soule of Ouids bodies, [Page 308] metamorphosed into Trees, Rockes, and Waters: For when he pleases, they shall eccho and distinctly answere; and when he pleases, be extreamely silent. There is little danger in him to­wards the Common-wealth: for his worst intelligence comes from Shepheards or Wood­men; and that onely threatens the destruction of Hares; a wel­knowne dry meate. The spring and he are still at variance: in mockage therfore, and reuenge together of that season, he weares her liuery in Winter. Little consultations please him best; but the best directions hee doth loue and followe; they are his Dogs: If he cannot preuaile therefore, his lucke must be bla­med; for hee takes a speedy course. Hee cannot be lesse then a conquerour from the begin­ning, [Page 309] though he wants the boo­te; for he pursues the flight. His Man-hood is a crooked sworde with a saw backe; but the badge of his generous valour is a horn to giue notice. Battery & blow­ing vp, hee loues not: to vnder­mine is his Stratageme. His Physicke teaches him not to drinke sweating; in amends whereof, he liquors himselfe to a heate, vpon coole bloud: If hee delights (at least) to emulate his Dog in a hot nose. If a Kennell of Hounds passant take away his attention & company from Church; doe not blame his de­uo [...]ion; for in them consists the nature of it, and his knowledge. His frailties are, that he is apt to mistake any dog worth the stea­ling, & neuer take notice of the Collar. Hee dreames of a Ha [...]e formed, a Fox kenneld, a Bucke [Page 030] lodged, or a Hart in harbor And if his fancy would bee mo­derate, his actions might be full of pleasure.

CHARACT. VII. A Falkoner

IS the egge of an ordinary Goose­woman, hatcht vp amōgst Hawkes and Spaniels. Hee hath in his minority conuersed with Kest rils, and young Hobbies; but growing vp hee begins to han­dle the Lure, & look a Fawlcon in the face. All his learning makes him but a new Linguist; for to haue studied & practised the termes of Hawkes Dictio­nary, is enough to excuse his wit, manners, and humanity. Hee hath too many Trades to thriue; and yet if he had fewer, he wold [Page 130] thriue lesse: he neede not be enuied therefore, for a Monopoly, though hee be Barber surgeon, Physitian, and Apothecary, be­fore he commences Hawk leech: for though he exercise all these, and the art of Bow-strings toge­ther, his patients be compelled to pay him no further, then they are able. Hawkes are his obiect, that is, his knowledge, admirati­on, labour, and all: They be in­deed his idoll, or Mistresse, be they Male or Female: to them hee consecrates his amorous Ditties, which be no sooner fra­med then hallowed: Nor should he doubt to ouercome the fai­rest, seeing hee reclaimes such Haggards; and courts euery one with a peculiar Dialect. That he is truly affected to his Sweet­hart in her fether▪bed, appeares by the sequele; himselfe is [Page 312] sensible of the same misery: for they bee both mewed vp toge­ther: But hee still chuses the worst pennance; by chusing ra­ther an Ale▪house, or a Cellar, for his moulting place, then the Hawkes mew. Hee cannot bee thought lesse then a spie, & that a dangerous one: For his espi­als are, that hee may see the fall of what hee persecutes: and so the Wood-cocks perish: if they doe not, his Art is suspended. He is a right busie-body, who in­termeddles so much with others affaires, that he forgets his own: Hee would not else correct his Hawkes wildnesse; and be so ready to trample downe the standing corne; or make way through enclosures: That ar­gues him to be Rebellious & vul­gar; one apt to striue for liberty. His Man-hood I dare not signi­fie, [Page 313] it remaines doubtfull vpon equall tearmes, because, seldom tried with any thing but wild­fowle: and then hee performes, water-seruice; perhaps sea-ser­uice; but both, in some sowle manner: By Land he serues, on horse or foote; on both, to de­stroy Partrige, or Pheasant. You may truely call him an extream bad husband if he lyes in a Floc­bed; because hee meddles so much with Fowles & doth not feather his nest. There is no hope of his rising, though hee doth excell; for he rather seekes to make others ambitious of ri­sing, then himselfe: and there­fore though hee frames winges with Daeda [...]us, he thereby makes his Hawke onely fitt to aspire: Yet if any shall (by coniecture) take a flight from Paules Steeple; hee will (I suppose) as soone as [Page 314] any: for hee proues wiser alrea­dy in the art of winges then Blad [...]d. I had rather (in the mean time) take his worde then his oath; for when he speakes with­out an oath, hee is not troubled with the passion of his Curres, or Haggards; and therfore can­not so well excuse it, if hee breakes his promise. As for Re­ligion, shee is a bird of too high a wing; his Hawkes cānot reach it, and therefore not hee. And if hee flies to Heauen, it is a better flight, then any hee hath com­mended: There, I meddle not with him; thither hee must carry himselfe: for I can neither condemne, nor saue him.

CHARACT. VIII. A Farmer

IS a concealed commodity: His worth or value is not fully known till he be halfe rotten: and then hee is worth nothing. He hath Religiō enough to say, God blesse his Maiesty; God send peace, and faire weather: So that one may gleane Haruest out of him to be his time of happines: but the Tith sheafe goes against his conscience; for hee had ra­ther spend the value vpon his Rea [...]ers and Plough-men, then bestow any thing to the mainte­nance of a Parson. Hee is suffi­ciently Booke-read, nay a pro­found Doctor, if [...]ee can search into the diseases of Cattell and to foretell rain by tokens, makes him a miraculous Astronomer. [Page 316] to speake good English is more then hee much regards; and for him not to contemne all Arts and Languages, were to con­demne his own education. The pride of his House keeping is a messe of Creame, a Pigge, or a green-Goose: and if his seruants can vncontrowled finde the high-way to the Cup-boord, it winnes the name of a bountifull Yeoman. Doubtles hee would murmur against the Aurelius victor de vir: illust: fo 264. [...] Grachus tribunus plebis, leg ē tolit, ne quis quingenta p [...]us habe­re t [...]ugera. Tribunes law; by which none might occu­py more then fiue hūdred acres: For hee murmurs against him­selfe, because hee cannot pur­chase more. To purchase Armes (if he aemulates Gentry) sets vp­on him like an Ague: It breakes his sleepe, takes away his sto­mack, & hee can neuer be quiet till the Herald hath giuen him the Harrowes, the Cuckowe, or [Page 317] some ridiculous Embleme for his Armory. The bringing vp, and Marriage of his eldest Son; is an ambition which afflicts him so soon as the boy is borne, and the hope to see his sonne su­perior, or placed aboue him, driues him to dote vpō the boy in his Cradle. To petuse the Statutes, and preferre them be­fore the Bible, makes him pur­chase the credit of a shrewd fel­low: and then hee bringes all aduersaries to composition. If at length he can discouer him­selfe in large Legacies beyond expectation, hee hath his desire. Meane time, hee makes the pre­uention of a dearth his Title, to bee thought a good common­wealths man. And therefore he preserues a Chandelors trea sure of Bacon, Linkes and Pud­dings in the Chimney corner. [Page 318] Hee is quickly and contentedly put into the fashiō, if his clo­thes be made against Whitson­tide, or Christmas day: and then outwardly he contemnes appea­rance: Hee cannot therefore choose but hate a Lib 2. In [...]urop: tractatu. Quo Hi­sp [...]norum dignitas e­n [...]teat m [...] ­gis, illi in app [...]ratu & vestimentis omnia po­nunt. Spaniard like­wise; and (hee thinkes) that ha­tred onely, makes him a loyall subiect: for beneuolence & sub­sidies bee more vnseasonable to him, then his quarters Rent. Briefly, being a good house-kee­per, hee is an honest man: and so, he thinkes of no rising high­er, but rising early in the mor­ning; and being vp, hee hath no end of motion▪ but wanders in his Woods & Pastures so con­tinually, that when hee sleepes, or sitts, (I thinke) hee wanders also. After this, hee turnes into his element, by being too ven­trous hot, and colde: then he is [Page 319] fit for nothing but a checkered graue: howsoeuer some may thinke him conuenient to make an euerlasting bridge; because his best foundation hath beene perhaps) vpon Wool-packes.

CHARACT. IX. An Hostesse

IS (if beautifull) the abatement of reckonings, or the second course: if a widow, she is the iourneys end of a weather-bea­ten Traueller: if ordinary, shee is the seruant and the Mistresse; but in generall, shee is a recei­uer to all professions, and ac­quainted by experience with cookery, or sluttery. Bring inui­ted to her owne prouisions, shee prepares the w [...]y to mi [...]tigate her prises, either by exclayming [Page 320] vpon the hard times, or insinua ting the sublime price of Mut­ton. Shee must bee pardoned, though shee depart before sup­per is ended; for she is modestly ashamd to heare her sinfull rec­konings. She professes the kit­chin, but takes place in the chamber: and hauing interrup­ted the Guest with a cup of hear­tily welcome, shee signifies his sor­row, thogh it be manifest silence shee excuses the attendance by varietie of guests; and blaming the Maid-seruants, shee com­mends* That which a­grees with a co­uetuous ma [...]s gaine, agrees with his consci­ence, ther­ [...] what [...] against [...] [...]rofit, go [...]s ag [...]inst his consci­ence. her self for the sole agent and you must conceiue amisse of the shambles, or butter-market vpon her honesty. Her chiefest knowledge is to distinguish vp­pon the trades of our belly; and though she condemnes a Taylor for lengthening his bill with bumbast, stiffening, silke and [Page 321] buttons; yet shee furnishes her own in the same kind, with wine▪ bread, sallets and cheese; and though shee seldome abate the price of reckonings, yet she can giue a morsell of her own into the bargaine, if that may satisfy. She chuses seruants also that wil giue the best content: and that shee insinuates though shee vn doe [...] a traueller. Shee may ab­horre drunkennesse; but in her own house conceales it, and re ceiues the aduantage: neyther dares she reproue her husbands thirstie humor, least shee should loose her freedome; when hee resignes his power to lazinesse, by which hee was ingendred. Her husbands sloth makes her imployed proudly; being hear­tily ambitious of labour, if shee can boast well, that her paynes alone keepe her husband & his [Page 322] familie. She keeepes open house & therefore she thinkes a porter as much impertinent as laces to her placket. If her self be spunge and corke, shee hath a daughter or a Chaumber maide of luy. These and shee together make the best of a bad bargaine, and therefore shee asfoords no pen­ny-worth which is not the best that can suddenly be bought for mo­ney. She seldome inuites cost­free: for shee determines to bee paid commonly. If therefore she doth inuite, she is a rare wo­man; neither hath she any thing else to pleade raritie. Brieflie, shee is at [...]ing of cleane linnen that is the warrant of her clean­linesse: She makes the welcome of a new, the farewell of an olde Traueller. She hcarkens ioyful­ly to the numerons footing of horses and hauing with a quick [Page 323] accent twise called the Cham­berlaine, she is now busie about dressing supper.

CHARCT: XXII. A Tapster

IS an infernall: the Belzebub of a Sellor, and the very motion of a double Iugge. Hee was engen­dred by a Drunkards appetite and vrine. for nothing but his desire to fill and emptie, hath bred a Tapster. Hee is of a barmy dis­position apt to cleaue, and ther­fore hee seekes to be familiar at first sight; but in stead of friend­ship he retains the names of cu­stomers: only betwixt Brewers men and him, there passes hun­gry and thirstie loue; consisting of Hollaud cheese & Rowles in [Page 324] recompence of bottle-ale, and strong Beere. You may call him swinish, for hee beares cheife sway among the hog sheads: and claimes authority among them to Iuxta ho­ratianum illud in E­pod. 13. Deus haec fortasse be­nigna redu­cet in se­dem vice. Castig [...]n­dus est hic Bon [...]i com­mentarius, qui deluci­dat hasce partiuncu­las quasi di­gressi [...]am consolatio­n [...]m: at quám sapi­ [...] nunc [...] it [...] e­nim hic ost sensus. Deut sic prouidebit fortaise [...] illa idest dolia im [...]leta vinode quibus nunc [...] est loqut, quasi de recentioribus, reducanturi [...] locum buius vetust [...] [...], [...]ressi a­mico meo con [...]ule: et sic potius opinor intelligendus est [...]lle locu [...]. [...]emoue and preferre. Drawers and hee liue at variance; for hee thinkes the grape a disparage­ment to malt; and therefore he incounters Wine euen with the smallest beere hee hath, to af­fright the fortitude of Sacke, & Claret: But (which betrayes his stratagems) he gladly makes the Vintuers vessell his vassaile and Renegad [...]. Nay rather he farmes Diogenes his tenement; and, fearing he should bee disposses­sed [Page 329] (I thinke) hee puts in a valo­rous tenant that will beate the mad Cinicks braynes out if hee dares Incounter. His riches are single, they consist of single money: his profession double, it consists of double Beere: but then his faculties are againe so single, that if he leaues the sellar, hee must begge [...]: for ig­norance and lazine [...]t haue bin his education. Meane time hee is kept from Robbery by ex­change of single peeces: and yet he disables himselfe in exchang vnlesse hee expects nothing by delay. He feeles the same sorrow to heare you discommend his li­quor, that hee doth to see you depart. * It goes against his con­science to see the cup stand qui­etly; and against his stomack to see you preferre Mutton before powdred-beefe. He is a prettier [Page 326] fellow of his handes then any of the guarde: for giue him leaue to draw apace, and hee will strike down twelue gards. He hath an ambitious memorie which cannot deceiue him, be­cause hee hath taught it to de­ceiue others: for his aboun­dance of memory, and his mea­ning to get [...] stocke, labour to get a super [...]uous two-pence in the reckoning. He would make an asse of Kelly if he were liuing: Kelly wrought vpon somewhat; but this fellow makes money of meere nothing: for hee gets by froth, and emptinesse. His brain swarmes with a tempest of bot­tle reckonings; which makes him carelesse of hats: least hee should breed an impostume, by inclosing their multitude; else hee is afraide least the hot and moyst reckonings he carries in [Page 327] his head, shoulde dissolue his felt, and therefore he goes vn­couered; else to shew hee reue­rences the Cellar and weeke­dayes, more then the Church or Sabboth; for then onely hee playes the Turke, and puts on: else (which is indeed the reason) he knowes all commers claime his dutie, and therefore he walks bare headed to saue a labour. He attributes the scant measure of his Iugge, to the Cellars dark nesse, and his sauing nature; but rather then he will iustifie both, he hath a certaine slight or hand to fill the first [...], and so a voyds inquisition. All his con­science is, that he dares not cast away Gods good creatures; and therfore he preserues the drop­pings to make a compound He is an ignoble wret [...]h: do what you can, hee will couson you [Page 323] with his Can. Of his prayers and religion, I neither finde any thing, nor will I leaue any thing, written. But I belieue strongly, that in stead of Praying, he wishes to heare men desirous of Col­lops & Egges, or red Herrings. And therfore I thinke he should thriue best in a sea voyage; be­cause he commends the relish of meats seasoned exceedingly. His bladder is more capable then his greasie pouch; and more immoderately widened. He hath nothing to commend his literature, but Brachigraphy, or the science of short writing, which hee practises vpon the barrels head, or behinde the doore: the meaning whereof he expounds, but doth not dis­couer the rules. If he dares de­fend his function in Winter, he must prouide an Orator: for he [Page 329] speakes coldly for himselfe, as being troubled with a common hoarsnesse to betray his vigi­lance. Briefly, you must ima­gine him a light fellow, and like the corke, which swimmes with moysture, is supported with li­quor, and tyed about the bottle or iugges neck: there, or neere about that, you may finde him personally.

CHARACT. XI. A Lawyers simple Clarke

IS his Masters right hand, if hee bee not left-handed: or the second dresser of Sheep­skinnes: one that can extract more from the parchment, then the Husbandman from▪ the Fleece. He is a weake Gram­mar [...]an; for he beginnes to peirce, before he can construe [Page 330] well: Witnesse the Chamber­maide. Neither can you dis­commend him: for his best e­ducation hath beene at a dull Writing-schoole. Hee doth gladly imitate Gentlemen in their garments; they allure the Wenches, and may (perhaps) prouoke his Mistresse: but then hee must bee a customer to Cookes shoppes, and lowe Or­dinaries, or visit the Broaker, to bespeake Silke stockinges, without which he thinkes Gen­try doth much degenerate. ha­uing done thus (if his cloake did not reueale him by instinct) he might passe suddenly for a Gen­tleman presuming on which, & his plausible discourse, he dares attempt a mistresse: but if hee chooses worthily, he feeles him­selfe worthily contemned, be­cause he woes with bawdery in [Page 331] text; and with Iests, or speeches stolne from Playes, or from the common-helping Arcadia. Hee may be reasonably commaun­ded by his maister in atten­dance: but if hee rides with a Cloake bagge, he thinkes him­selfe disgraced behinde his backe. Hee may bragge of the Vniuersitie, and that hee hath commenced; yet hee can hardly tell you by learning the Strabo: [...]ib. 1 [...]. [...] ­talus rex Mysiae [...] ­bliotheeam Pergam [...] op­pleuit ducē ­tum mille generibus librorum: In Forum autem vsum pelles oui­nae compa­ratae fuerū [...]; q [...]ae adhuc ob [...] t [...]ntummo­do causam vocantur Pergamens. first vse of Parchment; though it concernes him neerely; for being once in a Colledge, and now a Clearke, it seemes plaine that he was an arrant rakehell. Howsoeuer, he is otherwise a peaceable companion: for as hee continually makes agree­ment, so himselfe sits quietly, by his Embleme of meeknesse, the sheeps-skinnes; except the itch troubles him. You can make no [Page 332] question that he is prouided to dispatch readily; for hee hath his businesse at his fingers end. He may pretend Scholership: but all that is nothing vnlesse you compare it with a Iugglers, and then hee may seeme cun­ning: for hee doth exceed a Iuggler in the slight of hand: being able by his cleanly con­neyance, to remoue the pos­session of lands forty miles di­stant. He trembles therefore a­like with all Handicrafts, (though he most valerons) to thinke if he should offer violence in the Court: for vpon his Palmes & Fingers depend his In-comes. He is no vain Disputant: this know­ledge is positiue ingrossd, and so vpon record. Selfe-conceit in workes, he refuses: for hee la­bours about nothing which is not iustifiable by Presidents, [Page 333] either of West, his maister or a teacher. In the cōpasse of which three he tyes his approbation of witt so narrowly, that I cannot blame him if hee condemnes this Character, for (vpon my knowledge) hee can finde no such thing in the Presidents. Then hee doth not seeme to delight in a retired life: for hee sits alwaies in the most outward roome of his maisters chamber. He may be very much tēpted to pick & pilser; for Legit vt clericus cannot be applied to any man so fitly. He is not ashamed of what he doth: for hee regards not to haue a finger, but a whole hand in the busines. To which pur­pose you may see his name sub­scribed in Court, after sealed and deliuered. Hee doth relye vp­on his maisters practise, large indentures, and a deske to write [Page 334] vpon. He can shew little or no signe of humil [...]ty like his degra­ded lodging in the trūckle-bed; which hazzards many s [...]eabites, and the violent ayre of his Mai­sters feet. Westminster likewise doth not altogether not con­cerne him: hee hath a motion thither, and a motion there: Thi­ther hee moues by way of in­iunction from his Maister: there hee moues in the cōmon place of breake-fasts, for reliefe of his stomacke; and if hee can match his breake-fast and dinner with­out grudging of his stomack, he hath his desire. He is a follow­er: for he weares a liuery, but no seruant, for hee payes his owne wages. If he bee drunken you must say hee staggers, to a­uoide aequiuocation: for when he is sober hee makes Inden­tures. Seruing himselfe, hee [Page 335] serues God by occasion: for whilst hee loues his gaine, a [...]d serues his desire of getting, hee hates idlenesse. If his Maister thriues, hee cannot doe amisse; for hee leades the way, and still rides before. Hee is the Sophi­ster, or Soliciter to an Atturney; & from himselfe hee proceedes to an Atturney: that is his com­mencement. So that a Clearke in thesi, is an Atturney in Hypo­thesi.

CHARACT. XII. A Pettifogging A [...]turny

IS a fellow at your commaund for ten groates, and hath no inheri­tance, but a knauish forme o [...] vn­derstanding. Hee is extreamely graced if he talke with two vel­ [...]et cloak'd Clients in fiue [Page 336] Tearmes: and desires to salute great Lawyers, in view to pur­chase reputation. He is indeed the vpshot of a proud ignorant Clarke, and retaines his learning from Paenall Statutes, or an En­glish Little: on. He doth multiplie businesse, as a tinker multiplies worke, with mending: and in a Michaelmas tearme, hee will seeme more bus [...]e about offices, then a [...]lea at midnight in the midst of summer. He is a better commoditie to himselfe then Stockfish (being well beaten.) His chiefe inuention is how hee may take brib [...]s from both par­ties, & please both fashionably: how he may cousen his friends to all aduantage, and giue the glosse of good dealing: if his wickednesse thriues well, hee proues a te [...]rible Asse in a Lions skin: but whilst he out dares any [Page 337] man and forgets himselfe to be a buzzard, his considence de­ceiues him: Hee keeepes a tro [...] ­ting pace to signify imploymēt. Chancery lane is his loome: for in the tearme he runnes nimb­ly from one end to the other like a shuttle to weaue mischiefe. Subpaenaes, Executions and all Writs of quarrell be his bond­slaues. Hee doth naturally ex­claime vpon Poets and Players; they are too inquisitiue about his cousonage. Hee commends Diuinitie; but makes the profes­sors simple men when they sub­mit to his mercy: hee still pre­ferres the authority of a Statute where it makes for his purpose (though mistaken) before God and a good conscience. His Re­ligion is the Kings continually: And he would willingly come to Church on Sundaies if hee [Page 338] had ended his Declarations. He is in [...]atiatly giuen to get by any man hee deales with; so much, that he will scarse borrow ten shillings, vnlesse he may get ten pence. His chiefe pride is to be haue himselfe better then he is able, and chiefely in deliuering of his charge at Cou [...]tleetes: where hee assumes much pe­remptorie state, and knowes the audience cannot appreh end where hee stole his lesson: and then though his minde bee not in the Dishes, it is in the K [...]tchin. There is such a neere vnion be­twixt him and fees, that if igno­rance hath made him spare a deceite in ouer-burthening his client, hee thinkes hee hath not done as he should doe, and that hee deserues miserably to bee laught at. His highest ambition is an Innes of Court, an old rich [Page 339] vviddow, and the Stewardship of L [...]etes, and still he hopes to be the first of his name: He loues lit tle manners but where he hopes to saue, and there he playes the [...]ychophant. Hee had rather eate still then wipe his mouth: rather (I meane) see [...]e meanes to mul­tiplie, then to repent his olde couse age. hee thinkes nature may iustifie his dealing though he proues somewhat bold with his kindred; & therfore hee will couzen his own brother before any man. His almes bee oulde Shooes for Broomes: one for a­nother: for without receiuing he neuer giues. His discourse is commonly attended with a Sc [...]re facias, and he is ashamed in his heart when he heares of a cun­ninger knaue then himselfe. Briefly, hee is indeed a meere Atturney, sit for all turnes that [Page 340] any way enrich his Cofer: for he hath [...]nauery enough to cosen the people, but wit enough to deceiue the gallowes. Howso­euer being too busy about his common baite of lucre (think­ing to snap at the diuels glow­worme, (he is catched in his common noose, the Pillory, from whence he is deliuered: but the Hunts-man markes him for an old breeder.

I might heere accuse some excellen [...] Atturneys (though they be good patterns of their countreys knowledge) because they [...]could not in my former impression take this Character without scandall to themselues and honesty: and yet I pardon their mistaking: Because it is no [Page 341] discredit for a good Atturney to be no good Logitian.

CHARACT. XIII. A crafty Scriuener

IS the curse of mans crafty dea­ling: Hee is a curious worke­man, and may be free of the Lock-smithes: for full of Instru­ments hee is, and Engines: and makes Manacles for any mans wearing aboue Twenty One. His first ambition commonly is to ioyne forces, and make vp his defects of pollicy, and custome by partaking in anothers pro­iects: Then doth hee readily aspire to frequented places, a conuenient shop, the notice of his neighbours, and so engrosse credit, or some text Widdow, by the Nouerint of his Grogren­gowne: [Page 342] A cōmon Strumpet ne­uer fawned so much on a young h [...]ire, as hee with flattery ob­ferues the Vsurer, and with nice dutifull care to preserue him, makes his rotten hide, the chiefe Indentures that containe his Title. Obligations bee his best prayers: for hee cannot tie God to performe conditions, or put in suertyship. His friendship hath a Counter-maund of being too honest; which hee wil obey, rather then not saue by the bar­gaine. Hee is the safest man from danger in the ped [...]gree of rapines; for first, the Gallant liues by sale and Countrey Te­nants; the Citizen by the Gal­lant; the Scriuener and the De­uill vpon both, or all: so neither­liues by losse with the Gallant, nor vpon trust, with the Citi­zen: His condemnatiō is a knot [Page 343] of Seales and their Impression: the first discouer to him a confor­med vnity; yet none hath more hand in the procuring of vari­ance. The last d [...]scouers a tract­able nature, which giues & takes impression Of the [...]irst (that is to giue) he knowes no meaning but when he giues the print of his fist, that it may sticke by elder brothers a whole age: Of the last (that is to take impression) he knowes none but a wrong meaning: for the best seale that imprints loue in him, is onely the Kings picture; and that loue continues no longer then he beholds it. His quills and instru­ments betoken peace: you can­not therefore expect more va­lour in him, then to win ground by the aduantage of weake Pro­digalls, and such as runne away from thristinesse: they be most [Page 344] importunate with him: with them he preuailes most: to them he sels his extortious nature at the highest value, because they be most willing to make it their peny-worth. Is it possible hee should escape damnation, when his whole trust and dealing is in great Security? Hee will suspend his neerest familiars, and not absolutely resolue them what he is able to doe; in hope to pur­chase a supper or some prouo­king remtmbrance: and if hee be brought to testifie against his Vsurer, he will counterfeit his knowledge, worse then a com­mō Bawd that is questiond by an Officer about whoores. I know not how he should be trusted in his dealing: for when he promi­ses to do much for a spēd-thrifts bribe, hee writes against him soon after, by making that Bond, [Page 345] which he knowes will be forfei­ted. His memory is his own; a­nother cannot safely trust it, in reckoning the day of payment: for he reckons what he can saue, by renewing the hazard of a second forfeit, not your los [...]e by the first: and so he ouer-rea­ches you, by ouer-reaching the time, when you trust his memo­ry: If you trust him therefore you may feele the forfeite, and pay largely for an acquittance. He may perhaps helpe a friend in aduersitie, but he will be damnd first; by helping more for profit sake then friendship. His learning iumps iust with, or falls sometimes short of an At­turnies; being onely able to repeate the asore-said forme to thousand purposes: So all his mystery indeed is nothing to encrease his Art, but his Policy, [Page 346] or plaine knauery: And that being serued in, to the worlds banquet, represents a large Foxes head, and a little Sheep­skinne in diuers dishes. It is the totall of his Creed, that nothing should be iustified, or called lawfull, which hath not hand and Seale: that makes him ex­ercise Hand and Seale, as the war­rant for deuises of his head and Soule. He neuer rayses the spi rit of a Prodigall by charmes, but he together rayses the spirit of māmon a Citizen; and then this potent coniurer bindes them both fast in a Quadrangle. Hee will seeme to know the Statute and common Law; but com­monly the construction failes him (for he lookes to his owne aduantage) except the law hath practised vpon his hearing, to teach the comment when he [Page 347] mistakes the Law. Hauing at length beene a long Auditor to the sweet lecture o [...] Vsury, hee loues the matter so well, that he becomes proficient, graduate, and professour in the Science: but after generall profession he approches quickely to his cen­ter (from whence he sprung) Nothing.

CHARACT. XIIII. A wrangling Welch Client

IS a good Iourney-man, if not a good Foot-man▪ He is the one­ly friend of [...]awyers (i [...] they be Welch begotte [...]) and still sollicites them for a Iudgement. But we may credibly thinke he will entertaine English Lawyers [Page 348] likewise; for he makes the con­tention of Wales exceed the wranglings of Norfolke alrea­dy. His valour is, that he can by no meanes carry coales; and is euer therefore fittest for an action of the case. When hee expresseth (as oftentimes hee doth) bountie to out-braue his aduer [...]ary before his Coun­sell, then doth he rather and in­deed expresse a spightfull ar­rogance; manifesting that he beleeues himselfe to be a kins­man of Cadwallader, though he deriues his pedegree from the dust of ninetynine generations: and he thinkes himselfe enno­bled by the conceit of Owen Tu­dor as much as if they had beene brothers children. When hee visits offices he will drawe such a number of purses (if his ad­uersary be present) that you may [Page 349] thinke he hath cutt or found a douzen in or betwixt Wales & Westminster. His pride lies wrapt vp in a clout betweene his legges, or in a pocket in the Armehole: from thence hee drawes his Angels to feed his Lawyer, though himselfe sleepe supperlesse. (Howsoeuer) hee is content to be his owne Cooke; and though his dyet be slender, yet his money and victuals lie within a clowtes thicknesse: which might excuse him from a beggerly want of food, but ra­ther detects him of a beggarly pride. It is impossible he should eate much: for the least prouo­cation makes him so froward; that you may verily thinke hee hath eaten her pelly full of Wasps and Salamanders, euery houre in the day. But he saues many meales in cheesemongers [Page 350] shops; by tasting often: and when he hath disliked all, hee contents himselfe with a parcel of two peniworth at the Cha [...] ­delors. He makes the Tearme his time of Pilgrimage, and Offices at Law, the Shrine where hee offers vp his douoti­on: Which (after he hath ended his voyage) amounts to volun­tary pennance; for he travailes bare-foote. Though he bee long in trauaile and tarries late, yet nothing can be recouered by de­fault of apparance: for invn­dations be his perpetuall affida­uit: and he sweares [...] was ouerflowed with a witnes; when all the country about complaind of drynes. The profit which he giues to English Law yers, he giues generally to the Lawes profession: that proceeds from his language, which to [Page 351] the credit of Innes of Court, and Lawe French, he vtters harshly, with great amazement of beholders. His body is so proportioned to his minde, and his clothes to his body, that you cannot finde a fitter modele of enuy in the most beautifull worke of Spencer: For as [...] pines away her c [...]rcasse when another thriues, so cannot she be cloathed better then (as a Welch Clyent is) with spoiles of innocence; Erise; or cotton. The best thing about him worth commendation is, that he can­not long dissemble his cariage and malice; for he goes with­out a cloake continually. A peece of Parchment and a Seale throughly paid for, sat [...]sfies him presently in stead of iudge­ment; but otherwise he spends his faith vpon the hope of costs: [Page 352] And if he dies before executi­on, he scarce hopes to be saued.

Many of the nation were offended lately with this Cha­racter, which nothing doth concerne them; if they had sa­ued their fury, they might haue beene thought wiser-men.

CHARACT. XIIII. A plaine Country Bride­groome

IS the finest fellow in the Parish; and hee that misinterprets my definition, deserues no Rose­mary nor Rose-water: He neuer was maister of a feast before; that makes him hazard much new complement: But if his [Page 353] owne Maister bee absent, the Feast is full of displeasure; ex­cept in his latter dayes he grew rebellious. He shewes neere affinity betwixt mariage and hanging: and to that purpose, he prouides a great Nosegay, and shakes hands with euery one he meets, as if he were now preparing for a condemned mans voyage. Although he points out his brauery with rib­bands, yet he hath no vaine­glory; for he contemnes fine cloathes with dropping pottage in his bosome. The inuitation of guests, prouision of meate, getting of children, and his nuptiall garments, haue kept his braine long in trauaile; if they were not arguments of his wooing Oratory. He inuites by rule within distance, where he hopes to preuaile; not with­out [Page 354] some paraphrase vpon his meaning. But (howsoeuer) he seemes generous: for nothing troubles him, or takes away his stomacke more, then default of company: yet in his proui­sion he had ra [...]her take away your stomacke then fill your belly. As for his children if he begets aboue three, he may be­get for Gods sake to store the Parish. And yet his rayment (for the time) must shew much vari­etie, The Taylor likewise must be a vexation to him, or his cloathes would neuer sit han­somely: But (aboue all) a bridle in his mouth would serue better then a Pickadell; for if you re­straine him from his obiects, & the engine of his necke, you put him into the Pillory. He hath long forecast with his Sweet-hart in some odde corner of the [Page 355] milke-house, how he may goe the sparingest way to worke when he marryes: and he hath only that meanes to make her beleeue he is a frugall good husband▪ but though he medi­tates a twelue month, he cannot finde wisedome to spare halfe a yard, in the length, of his faire troublesome cloake. He must sauour of gallantry a little; though he perfume the Table with Rose-cake; or appropriate Bone-lace, and Couentry-hlew. He hath Heraldy enough to place euery man by his Armes: But his qualitie smels rancke with running vp and downe to giue a heartily welcome: Blame him not though he proue pre­posterous: for his inclination was perhaps alwayes good, bu [...] his behauiour now begins: which is notwithstanding (he thinkes) [Page 356] well discharged if when he dances, the heeles of his shooes play the Galliard.

CHARACT: XVI. A plaine countrey Bride

IS the beginning of the world: or an old booke with a new Title:

A quarters wages before hād and the title of a Countrey Dame be the two Adamants of her affection. Shee rises with a purpose to be extreamely sober: this begets silence, which giues her a repletion of aire without ventage: and that takes away her appetite. Shee seemes therfore commendably sober vnto all: but she driues the Parson out of Patience with her modestie, vn­lesse [Page 357] he haue interest, or be inui­ted: She inclines to statelinesse, though ignorant of the mea­ning: Her interpretor, taster, caruer, and Sewer, be therfore accidentall: and yet without these, she were an Image to the assembly: all the good orna­ments that she hath to grace her when she is married; be the se­uerall tunes of ballades & songs besides halfe a douzen tales and prouerbs, with as many tales & rid [...]les; and guilt rases of ginger Rosemary and Ribbands be her best magnificence. She wil ther­fore bestow a Liuery, thoug she receiues back wages: behauiour sticks to her like a disease; neces­sitie brings it, neither can shee take pleasure in the custome: & therfore importunacie with re petition, enforce her to dumbe signes: otherwise you must not [Page 358] expect an answere. She is a cur­teous creature: nothing pro­ceedes from her without a cur­tesie. When the wedding din­ner is ended, she hath a liberty from that day forward, to talke of weaning Calues and fatting poultrie among the housewiues to her lifes end. She hath no ra­rity worth obseruance, if her gloues be not miraculous and singular: Those bee the trophy of some forlorne sutor, who contents himselfe with a large offering, or this glorious sen­tence, that she should haue bin his bed-fellow. Her best com­mendation is to be kist often: this onely proceeds from her without interruption. She may to some seeme very raw in car­riage: but this becomes noted through the feare of disclosing it. She takes it by tradition from [Page 359] her fellow Gossips, that she must weepe showres vpon her marri­age day: though by the vertue of mustard and onions, if shee cannot naturally dissemble: but good simplicity hath not taught her the Courte-inuention, to squeake loude enough on her marriage night likewise: So Shee hath little or nothing to confirme her honesty: besides that which plaine innocency af­fords. Now like a quiet creature she wishes to loose her Garters quickly, that she may loose her maiden-head likewise. And now she is layd.

CHARACT. XVII. My Mistresse

IS a Magicke glasse: In which you may discerne va [...]ities of the world, her selfe, and other [Page 360] women. She is a most intricate female text; and though her workes bee common, yet you may longer and with lesse per­fection study her meaning then the common law: For she is ready to giue a new, before you haue learned the olde lesson. Shee hath a multitude of seruants and suffers all to bee before hand in their wages that they may still continue seruiceable. She may be truely said afayre one; for like some Faire of a dayes length her beautie spreads at morning and vanishes at night. The truth is I first began to looke vppon her, because shee said shee loued a Poet well, and was in part a Po­etresse: for which good quality I might haue loued her likewise but she was onely good at long Hexameters, or a long and a short euen for varietie-sake; which [Page 391] came so full vppon Ouids amorous veine, that I despised her meaning. You may well trust her that she will proue fruitfull: for she is a vessell made for bur­then; and is therefore light in cariage. her affection toward sweete meates haue made her like a sugar chest apt to take fire. She had her education vnder a great Countes; and if she could leaue the Courtship shee learnt whē she was a waiter, she might quickly proue a reasonable good womā. Her body is (I presume) of Gods making: & yet I cānot tell, for many parts therof she made her selfe. Her head is in effect, her whole body and attire: for from thence, and the deuises there ingendred, proceedes her blushing modesty, her innocent white teeth, her gawdy gownes, her powdred hayre, her yellow [Page 362] bands, her farthingales, and false Diamonds. All these together, and a quicke fansie commend her function: for Fidlers and Painters bee full of Crotchets. Shee is well acquainted with games, and is so farre confident they be lawfull, that shee makes no more conscience to couzzen you, then to handle a paire of Cards. She is alway loose-bo­died; conserue of sloes cannot binde her. You need not make the question whether she can sing; for visitation will teach you, that she can scarce leaue singing. And as for dauncing, she wil aske the question of you. She hath the trick of Courtship not to bee spoken with; to take Phisicke, and to let her mounte­bancke bee the best ingredient. She hath at idle houres handled Phisicke points her selfe: and if [Page 363] any man aduentures on her re­ceipts, hee will hardly scape a scowring. She is better then Greshams Almanacke to foretell seasons: When she complaines of head-ach, it signifies faire weather: for then she is medita­ting to deceiue some honest Gull: and when she complaines downewards, of the winde col­licke, it signifies an vncleane sea­son. suspecting that a fresh sui­ter hath or may bee ill informd of her conditions, she will pro­test before-hand that she was once troubled with a sixe mo­neths timpany. Her wit is Dain­ty because seldome: and whatso­euer is wanting in the present delicacie of conceit, she makes good by rehersal of stolne witty answers, euen to the seauenth edition. She purposes to tra­uell shortly: But her meaning [Page 364] is to returne with some French commodity; and she will rather fetch it, though she may be fur­nished at home, because shee loues the cheapest ware, and the out-landish fashion. She doth ambitiously bragge of the respect shee found among my Lords followers; and (so ho­ping to perswade by credit of her education) shee giues any man a gentle warning to refuse her. Her generosity extends thus farre; to bestow loue, and looke for neither thankes nor requitall: because a Marmoset and little Dog are ignorant of both. These excepted, she neuer loued truly. Her morall vertues be a subtill thrift, and a thriuing simplicity. But whilst she makes the best construction of a mat­ter, she would make likewise a thousand pound Ioyncture of [Page 365] her behauiour only, and Court­cariage. This bargaine is open for any man, who thinkes not the peny-worth doubtfull. And yet I must confesse freely she hath more goodnes about her little finger, then I haue a­bout my whole body: I meane her Diamond. Her best Religi­on is to teach a Parret the Lords prayer; but the ten Com­mandements be a new matter: so that Petitions be more plau­sible with her, then Instructions at her owne request therefore I giue this to her looking-glasse.

CHARCT: XVIII. A Gossip

IS a windie Instrument; a paire of bellowes, or indeed two: for without her fellow, she is no­thing. [Page 366] These labour ioyntly as at an Alchymists furnace, onely to beget vapours: she receiues and sends backe breath with ad­vantage; that is, her function. Her end is to kindle; That is, to warme, or burne: she can do both. And being quiet, or not in contention, she is without her calling; that is, her company. Her knowledge is her speech; the motiue, her tongue; and the reason her tongue also: but the subiect of her conference is the neighbours wife, and her husband; or the neighbours wife and husband both. The modesty that I could euer ob­serue in her dealing, is thus much only: she must be twise intreated among strangers, be­fore she takes downe a whole glasse. She is the mirth of mar­riages, and publicke meetings: [Page 367] but her naturall season comes in with a minc'd pye, at Christ­mas; when all may attend with leasure. She carries her bladder in her braine; that, is full; her braine in her tongues end; that she empties: It was washed downe thither with pintes of Muscadine; and being there, she looses it like vrine, to ease her kidneyes: which would o­therwise melt with anger, if she might not speake freely. Being once a seruant, she then learnt to runne, or goe apace; that shee might tarry and take, or giue intelligence by the way. She aemulates a Lawyer in ri­ding the circuite, and therefore she keepes a circuit, in, or out of her owne liberties: striuing to be both one of the Iudges, Iury & false witnesses: for she loues, to be vniuersall. She contemplates [Page 368] within, that she may practise a­broad, and then she spewes vp secrets as if they were mixd with stibium: her reasons be colour; that she dawbes on euery Fable: Her truth is, to make truths and tales conuertibles: tales be her substance, her conceit, her ven­geance, reconcilements, and discourse. Not one woman in the parish shall commonly be accounted honest without her licence: which must be purchasd by consenting to her motions. She makes euery new inhabi­tant pay the tribute of an inuita­tion, before she speakes well of him, or calls him neighbor: And by the vertue of a speciall mouth-glew, she cleaues readi­ly to all acquaintance. To talke of Cookerie, or cleanlinesse, & to taxe others, is her best and onely commendation. Her [Page 369] lungs be euerlasting: she cannot be shortwinded: i [...] those would perish, she might be recouered. She is a like dangerous with the Poxe, to the towne where she inhabites: and being pledged, or admitted among the females she infects more easily. If she railes against whoredome, it sauours not of deuotion; for she is onely married, to escape the like scandall; from the doore outward. She is more fugitiue then a swallow: there is no hold to be taken of her in her owne house: A venison Pasty will drawe her all ouer the parish: nay her nostrill is so quicke, that she will discouer it though it be Mutton, within a miles com­passe; and vexe all the neigh­bors with her impudence if she be not inuited. The buriall of a second husband giues her the [Page 370] title of experience; but when she hath out-liued three, she takes authority and experience both (as a Souldier that hath passed the pikes of three set bat­tailes) for granted. Her com­mendable antiquitie reaches not aboue fiftie; for growing old, she growes odious to her selfe first: And to preuent the losse of company; (hauing liued vainly) she commences hostesse: that alone preserues her hu­mour. A mungrill print would b [...]st expresse her Character: for she is indeed a mungrel woman or the worst part of both sexes, bound vp in one volume: see­ing she corrupts the best by the vse of them.

CHARACT. XIX. An old Woman

IS one that hath seene the day: and is commonly ten yeares younger, or ten years elder by her owne confession, then the people know she is: if she de­sires to be youthfull accounted, you may call her Mistres, widow, or the like: but otherwise old mother, Grandam, and such names that seale antiquitie: the first she takes well, if childlesse: the last neuer well, but when shee can speake wonders to grand-chil­dren of the third generation. If they please her, she hath old harry soueraignes, that saw no sunne in fiftie yeares, to giue away on her death bed. If shee bee not toothlesse, her teeth eate more [Page 372] then they chaw: for I presume they are hollow. She loues the vpper end of the table, and pro­fesses much skill in Cookery: shee thinkes it also some felicitie to giue attendance about sick per­sons: but is the common foe to all Physitians. In agues, aches, cough, and tissickes, she confidently will vndertake to cure by prescrip­tion: if her selfe bee vntainted. As for diseases which shee knowes not, she dares proceed to Dragon-water, Holy-thistles, Worme-wood drinkes, and Clisters, without the helpe of Galen, or Hyppocrates. if she blushes at the Sunne rising, her colour chan­ges not till bed time: and some times though she drinkes down her break-fast, by dinner time her teeth be grown, and she wil seeme to chew the cud. Shee lusts abundantly toward young [Page 373] women, that shee may talke as dame regent; or fall into dis­course of childbirth and mid­wiues. She may as safely walke amongst contagious Leapers, as into the kitchin; and smels in­fection, or perfume with the same nostrill. She hath perpetu­ally the pride of being too cleanl [...]e or the adherent vice of being too sluttish. She affects behauiour in the brood of youth, and will di­vulge her secrets of superstition to any that wil be attentiue. She hath with many complaints of Aches in her hippes bought an Almanack to know change of weather. Enuy is to her an inse­parable twinne, and though it be offensiue commonly to few, yet doth it oftentimes consume her selfe, and starue away her memory.

CHARACT. XX. A Witch

IS the Deuils Hostesse: hee takes house-roome and diet of her; and yet shee payes the recko­ning: guilty thoughts and a par­ticular malice to some one person makes her conceiue a detestatiō of all: her policy of sequestrati­on, to auoide iealousie of neigh­bours, detects her enuious spi­rit: for the melancholy darknes of her low cottage, is a mayne coniecture of infernals: her name alone (being once moun­ted) makes discourse enough for the whole parish: if not for all hamlets within six miles of the market. She receiues wages in her owne coyne: for she be­comes as well the obiect of eue­ry [Page 375] mans malice, as the fountaine of malice towards euery man. The torments therefore of hot Iron, and mercilesse scratching nayles, be long thought vppon, and much threatned (by the fe­males) before attempted. Meane time she tolerates defiance tho­rough the wrathfull spittle of matrons, in stead of fuell, or maintenance to her damnable intentions: shee is therfore the ignorant cause of many Witches besides her selfe: for ceremoni­ous auoidance brings the true title to many, although they har­tily scorne the name of Witches. Her actions may well seeme to betray her high birth and pede­gree: for shee doth quickly ap­prehend a wrong before it bee mentioned▪ and (like a great fa­mily▪ takes no satisfactiō which doth not infinitely counterua [...]le [Page 379] the abuse: children therefore cannot smile vpon her without the hazard of a perpetuall wry mouth: a very Noble-mans re­quest may be denied more safely then her petitions for butter­milke and small Beere: and a great Ladies, or Queenes name may be lesse doubtfully derided Her prayers & Amen, be a charm and a curse: her contemplations and soules delight bee other mens mischiefe: her portion & sutors be her soule, and a succu­bus: her highest adorations bee Yew trees, dampish Church­yards, and a fayre Moone-light: her best preseruatiues be odde numbers, and mightie Tetragra­maton: these prouocations to her lust with deuills, breedes her contempt of man; whilst she (like one sprung from the Anti­podes) enioyes her best noone [Page 377] about midnight: and to make the comparison holde, is trod­den vnder foote by a publicke and generall hatred; shee is nothing, if not a Pythagorean; for she maintaines the transmi­gration of spirits: these doe vp­hold the market of bargaine and sale among them; which affoords all sorts of cattell at a cheaper rate then Bankes his horse, and better instructed: but (like a prodigall) she is out-rea­ched, by thinking earnest is a payment; because the day is protracted. Her affections be besotted in affection of her sci­ence▪ She would not else delight in Toades, Mice, or spinning Cats without deuersity: it is probable she was begotten by some Mounte-banke, or Wor­ding Poet, for she consists of as many fearefull sounds without [Page 378] science, and vtters them to as many delusiue purposes: She is a cunning statuary: and frames many idols these she doth wor­ship no otherwise then with greedy scorne: and yet she is a deepe Idolater. Implication is enough with her; to bespeake any mans picture, without his entreaty: for if it appeares that he can prouoke her, it implyes likewise that he desires to be re­membred by her; and Images be a certaine memoriall. Shee seldome liues long enough to attaine the Mysterie of Oynt­ments, herbs, charmes, or In­cantations perfectly: for age is most incident to this corrupti­on, and destiny preuents her. But howsoeuer shee bee past childebearing, yet shee giues sucke till the latest minute of fi [...]escore and vpwards. If she [Page 379] out liues hempe; a wooden hal­ter is strong enough: vnlesse she saues a labour. But God forbid that age, simplicity, and frow­ard accusations should be a Witches tryall.

CHARACT. XXI. A Pandar

IS the scab of a common-wealth: surfeits raise him to a blister; necessity, and want of good Surgeons, make him a mattery sore; whilst time and Tobacco brings him to be a dry scale. He is commonly the vpshot of a yon­ger brother, who lackes Honestie and Inheritance; or the remain­der of a [...]rodigall, who hath lost them and himselfe. His Etymologie is Pawne-dare: which intimates, [Page 380] hee dares pawne his soule to damnation; or his stolne parcels to the Brokers. Or you may call Pandar, quasi pinne the dore. Bawdy songs and he came both in together, for he is no gene­rous companion except he can sing, and also compose stinking ditties. He hath beene a great hunter vp & downe in his daies, and therefore (it is no wonder) if towards a decay he become Warrener. Arts he studies not; neither wishes any but Rheto­ricke to catch maiden-heads. He is the deuils Country-man or indeed acquaintance: there­fore in the deuils absence hee proues his Deputie; and wel­comes customers with fire­workes: a pipe of Tobacco, & a h [...]t Q [...]eane. He is a corrup­ [...] [...]: [...]or he hath made [...] deriuation of body. [...] [Page 397] Vsher-like attendance on Pub­like whores hath made Coaches frequent; to distingush them & Priuate Ones. His valour is ex­pressed in blacke patches (much about roaring Boyes humour) but playsters, which expresse him more ventrous, hee con­ceales. He wishes to be the first teacher of a Nouice: and (being so admitted his Tutor) hee first teaches him to beware of adul­tery and theft, by bringing him into danger of both, before he deserues it. And with those two vices he doth first accuse him, because himselfe is best ac­quainted with those two. He may truely boast if he returnes from warre, that hee returnes wounded to the bones; for he was wounded so before he went. If he be married, hee hath diuorced himselfe, because [Page 398] his wife was honest, & so means to continue: or (being disho­nest) because she was odiously deformed, not worthy to entice others▪ In the vacation time he teach [...]s his whores the know­ledge of false Dice & cheating, by way of recreation; or he tra­uailes to get money with his Monsters at Sturbridge faire. His Greed is a matter of three Articles, and them he beleeues actually: First, that there is no God: secondly, that all women, and more especially that all Ci­tizens wiues, bee, or would bee, common, or peculiar whores: and lastly, that all things are lawfull, which can escape the Lawes danger: good examples therefore preuaile with him, as showers among the stones they make him more slipperie & studious to deceiue the people: [Page 399] For the more people be seasond with good examples, the more ready he is to intrappe them; not to imitate. His Fellowships be retired, and within dores: for being abroad, he is a sober lumpe of villany; delighting vnsociably (like a Cut-purse, & for the same reason) rather in multitudes then ciuill numbers. The [...]awd and Hee, are chiefe cō ­federats: with whom together, (as occasion happens) the Con­stable hath standing wages to be an assistant; euery way as Hee be­ing ready to disturbe or not di­sturbe their custo­mers, a [...] they shall instruct him dan­gerous as the other two. Bowling allies, di [...]ing-howses, and Tobacco shops, be the Temples, which he and his fraternitie of Roarers, haue erected to Mercury and For­tune: In the two first, he doth ac­knowledge their Deity: in the last he offers smoaking incense to them both, in recompence of [Page 400] booty gotten by Chance and chea­ting. If the Gallowes be disap­pointed of his desteny; they can blame nothing but his tender bones, which could not brooke so long a iourney; or a whores quarell, whilst Wine was his Leader.

Honest men are afraid of him and knaues and whores bee sus­picious of him; for he is an euill spirit▪ hee was neuer generally commended but when hee went to hanging; then hee was com­mended (doubtlesse) for a prop­perman: for euery fellow withan entire doublet is called propper man when hee rides to Tiburne.

CHARACT. XXII. A Friend

IS one of the waightiest sillables (God excepted) that English or a­ny Language doth afford. He is neerer to me then marriage, or naturall kindred of the same bloud; because loue without kindred or ceremony, is more to be admired; and by the conse­quent more precious. Marriage and Kindred goes oftentimes no further then the Name or Body: but friendship is annexed with vnanimity. My Friend therfore is either disposed (as I am) well: or well disposed to make me better. His multitude of ac­quaintance doth not extenuate his loue, nor deuide his affectiō. His lower fortunes be not dista­sted, not dissembled, nor swolne [Page 402] bigger then they bee. He must not be imployed in trifles and continually, like a seruant; nor with expectation, like a Sonne: For an absolute Friend will fi­nish (when importance calles) It a me dij­ament, tar­do amico nihil est quiequam iniquius. Plau. In [...]. Act 13. before he can be requested. He therefore among all, confutes the saying of Profferd Ware stinks Wares profferd: For what a Friend giues freely, either to preuent request, or to* Inuendibi­li merci o­portot vl [...]ro emptorem adducere: proba meix facile emp­torem repe­rit. ib [...]dem. [...] a modest silence) inchāts [...] party. Hee is much dearer, then my leggs and armes, for he is my body and my soule toge­ther. His honour is true loue: which being so, hee loues be­cause he will not, & not because he cannot alter: That man cannot alter, who cannot with honesty disclaime affection; as being ty­ed with dotage or fauour [...] a­boue merrit and requitall: But friends will not: which signifies [Page 403] that their loue depends vpon approbation of the naked man. A Friend therfore must be free­ly chosen not painfully created: for iealousies and feares intrude when fauours be not mutuall; if fauours bee the first beginning. He is manifest to me, whilst inui­sible to the world: and is indeed much about the making of this Character; little in worth and little pleasing at the first sight. Hee is able and willing, to coun­cell, to perform. A second mee­ting thinkes him fitt; A second tryall knowes him a fit Friend. The meere imagination of a friends loue is an inchanted ar­mor: my heart is impenetrable whilst I weare the comfort: for whether I suruiue or dye, my Friend pre-serues me. Time nor anger can dissolue his amity: for either he submits and I pardon, [Page 404] or I submit & he pardons. Hee is like a true Christian, that vnder­takes & suffers for Christs sake as a freind for his freinds sake with equall ioy, both credit and discredit, rest and trauaile. Be­ing once had, a freind is full e­nough, and true a needles epi­thite: for I am his, he mine: and being so, we are one to another the best or no freinds. It is foo­lish Paganisme to worship the suns rising, which doth regard al alike with his Idolaters: and it is crazy dotage for any to honour that freind, who prostitutes his fauour to the Popular men can­not be per­fect freinds. [...] seu beati­tudo est perfect▪ [...] bo­n [...]m huma­ [...] actio­ [...]: Ethi [...]. worlds liking. A perfect freind, thinkes freind­ship his felicity: without which estimation, the neerest freind­ship, is but a sociable custome: for man hath neuer made an ac­tion perfect, vnlesse he drew fe­licitie from his actions nature.

CHARACT. XXIII. A sicke Machiauell Pollititian

IS a baked meate for the de­uill; and a dinner of dainties for Phisitians: the villany which makes him fit for the de­uils banquet, is close and pri­uate: but his bountie to pre­uaile with phisicke is prodigall. He is in securitie a Contingē ▪ dicitur quod est, & poterat non esse: possibile, quod non est & potest esse. Mol: lib. 1. fol. 50 contingent Gull; in death a possible confu­sion: for sicknes lookes for him, before he looked for it; vnlesse he poysons himselfe: therefore he is taken vnproui­ded; so, proues a gull: And vp­on deaths approach, he feeles a tumult within himselfe be­cause he looked no sooner. He thinkes vpon his lifes procee­dings, [Page 406] either with careles Infi­delitie, or sorrow to be inter­rupted: and he fi [...]des no shift­ing pollicy to answere his lowd conscience, but only this, Arte ho­n [...]st a bene­ [...]iceat [...] in-honest ā [...] ▪ which be­ing prou [...]d by many [...] deuises [...]s also ma­ [...] in the most no [...] table st [...]ry reckond by [...]. P [...]r [...] de mag [...] natur: of [...] fol. [...]. [...]estus: qui­vis homo [...] appel­ [...] [...]. ar [...] d [...]luditur arte: meaning that it was lawfull for him to cousen the world, which otherwise would haue consend him. Religi­ous I cannot call him; * sacer I may call him iustly: for hee a­mong the Romans was entitled sacer, who by the people was generally condemned; a [...]d such is the generall fortune of a Pol­litician, when he growes sicke and toward a conclusion. In health he was like the Nimph Echo mentioned in Outds Fables: for he was alway deeply in loue with his owne pollicy; but pol­licie [...] ver­ [...] in so­num [...] ▪ despising to be his safe­gard against sicknes, he turnes (as Echo did) into noyse: for [Page 407] none is spoken of, so much as a Pollitician neere his death. It is deliuered, that the [...] ▪ lib. 14. c. 8. Romans chose no Senatour till he had worne his age by likelyhood past the meaning and sence of pleasure: Destiny hath taken the same order with a Pollitici­an: For he is neuer admitted to his infernal dignity, til he grows decrepit; and almost weary of himselfe. But I admire how poy­son should molest him: because he & poysō haue bene the most assured friends and familiars. The faculties of his soule are much indebted to the deuill: for he hath borrowed many darke inuentions from his patterne: and therefore like a Bankro [...]t he dares not walke abroad out of his body; least he should be arrested by the deuils officers. He may be truly likend to the [Page 408] couetous man; who scornes to be accounted poore, and is vn­willing to be accounted rich: A Pollititian likewise will not, in sicknes nor in health seeme careles of religion, as if he wan­ted piety; nor scrupulous in conuersation, as if he dealt only with Puritans. When he was lusty and in perfect health, his agents were like the Tinkers dog, which carries his maisters budget and knowes no meaning of the tooles: but when he falls sicke he makes euery messenger know his griefe. As Herodot [...] lib. 6. Era: 4. 18. si ex capite Si­mulacri flā ­ma [...] [...]ore vt vr­bem ab [...] cap [...]ret, c [...] veró epec­ [...]ore fulgur extiterit id omne fuisse con [...]ectum quod deus [...] [...]ici vo­ [...] Cleomines interpreted the fire which brake from Iunoes Image, so may we interpret a Pollititians sicknes: If it proceeds from his heads deuises, as when he counterfeits to worke some subtlety, then we may looke that he will pre­vaile and recouer: but when [Page 407] his paines proceed really from the hart, we may then imagine that he can goe no farther. He makes me think of many Game­sters; who play cunningly while they can loose little; but when they hazard a round purchase, they proue arrant bunglers: and so the Pollitician is a most accurate gamester whilst hee doth only hazard some repara­ble fortune, but now he ven­tures the maine happines, life, he quailes and growes faint­hearted. In health he presumes to be so much a man, that he will gouerne monarchyes and men: but being (as I haue superscri­bed him) Sicke, he shewes him­selfe a little childe, which cryes most when it is vndressing, and made ready for the Cradle. His pollicyes were of a fine thrid, quicke and liuely: sicknes there­fore [Page 410] lumpish, agrees worse with him, then durty weather and silke stockings. You may per­ceiue when honest men dissem­ble, easily: for they will seeme distracted and will stammer in conference: because they feele their meaning and their speech di­uided; which pulls them two contrary wayes at once: But a curious Politician dissembles more intricately: because he will not listen to his hearts mea­ning, when he shadowes hate or piety with appearance: and ther­fore we are much beholding to his extreame sicknesse: for then hee is so farre from coulouring his anguish, that he discouers many more faintings then he needs. Death and sicknes makes him differ from a vegetable: For as a vegetable consists of Salt, Sulphur and Mercury; so likewise [Page 411] a Politician excells in three like properties: Wit, Sudden execution, and Enuy: but this makes the dif­ference: A vegetable yeelds the qualities, when it selfe perishes: A Politician, when he is best in health. No maruell though he be danted when hee remembers the next world, though in a stag­gering beleefe: for by the war­rant of potions, gloues, sallets, priuy stubbs, and false accusers, he hath sent so many thither be­fore him, that hee may iustly feare they will sue an appeale a­gainst him. Sicknes and impor­tunacy to recouer health layes him open to a double mischief; Death and Dishonor of manhood: For he tha [...] craues helpe where helpe cannot be afforded, suffers a double grie [...]e; want and dis­paire: as hee that walkes vnder a narrowe pent-house to shield [Page 410] himselfe from raine, f [...]eles a double shower; droppings from heauen, and euesdropps. A Poli­tician holds that opinion of ad­uancement which the [...] ­us Lae [...]us so 140. pars orbis sep­tentrionalis prospera putatur ob altitudinem Roman South-sayers held of the North­side: he thinkes it fortunate be­cause it is aboue the vulgar: and therefore is he most vnwilling to decline, because death makes Mors sceptra li­gonibus oe­quat. Hor: carm▪ lib. 2. aequality. Howsoeuer it is vnto him a greater sorrow to medi­tate the way of death, then to be dead; for being dead he looks for no disquiet. But after death his name growes old with be­ing odious, like that infortunate Rufus F [...] ­stus in breui ar [...]o fol. 372 captus autē Valerianus in dedecore Seruitutis consenuits Valerian, whose age was long, but taedious and disgracefull.

CHARACT: XXIIII. A Page

IS an abridgement of grea­ter charges, sprung from the [Page 411] destruction of hospitality and surloignes. He had neede be wel garded: for he is too little to de­fend himselfe: and yet hee hath proued himselfe a tall champi­on; for he and a footeman haue driuen away many valiant Buck­lers, and Blew-coates. When hee serues a Master, it may be the ti­tle of his function to bee squire of the body, for he waites neere about his person, and carries his weapons: being little hee is my Ladies Iewell: therefore shee thinkes him pretious; and finds no faulte with him but because he lacks weight: which is often times the weake reason why my Lady liues honest. Though hee bee little, hee hath a reasonable soule: but I can see little diffe­rence betwixt him and a Moun­key: they both serue to passe a­way time; and almost in the [Page 412] same manner: being either to be whipped or handled, or to be looked vpon. It seemes to me that his parents doubted of his long life; and therefore they take a course betimes that hee may know the world before hee dies, and learn experience while he liues: for before he grows to a yards length, he hath wicked­nede enough taught him, to damne a thrise bigger body with out originall sinne. He and a wench differ most in apparel He hath power to entise: for hee takes by gift a lease for yeers of Cupids diety▪ which ha [...]h conti­nuance no longer then he is vn­der growth. Among all of what condition and degree soeuer, he will be drunke most early and betimes in the morning: for he learnes to stagger at twelue and to bee dead drunke at fifteene: [Page 413] which is, to be drunke almost by fiue a clock in the morning: for fifteene yeeres of age, is three quarters past foure; reckoning foure yeeres to an houre from the natiuity. Hee belongs most commonly to the man; but hee is the womans play-fellow. Hee is much about the bignesse of Hercules his foote; the impression whereof (according to Herodo­tus) amounted to two cubits* [...] Hercu­les osten­dunt petrae [...] sim [...]le▪ [...] ubitali magnitudi­ne: uxta [...] [...]. [...]: lib 4. [...]. s. 288. length: But whereas the same author saith that the great regi­on of Exampei afforded little worth noting besides Hercules, his foote, I may protest it affor­ded nothing in comparison of a Page: for that being a region of two thousand miles compas, had onely an impression of two cubits: but a Page in the little compasse of two Cubits, hath a whole worlde of Roguery: [Page 414] which hee may perhappes iu­stifie according to his Oath because he cannot well discerne that his oath is better broken then kept: & so does nothing a­gainst his conscience. He smells after the waighting-gentlewo­man, as Fancy my Ladies dog, af­ter the great Spaniell-bitch: he proffers sayre, but can doe lit­tle to the purpose. Hee speakes Bawdy freely as if it were his mo­ther tongue: but he cannot bee so bad as his word. And thus by meere chaunce with a little dash I haue drawne the picture of a Pigmey.

I thinke it the most vnprofi­table, inhumane, and wretched basenesse, to multiply the least afflictiō; much more to triumph in a great mans sorrow: if ther­fore thou didst expect some [Page 415] sawcynesse, like to the late ele­gies, vnder this title, repent thy folly before thou makest it knowne.

CHARACT. XXV. An honest Shepheard

IS a man that well verifies the Latine peece, qui bene latuit bene vixit: hee liues well that liues retired: for hee is alwayes thought the most innocent be­cause hee is least publicke: and certainely I cannot well resolue you whether his sheepe or hee be more innocent. Giue him fat [...]e Lambes, and faire weather and he knowes no happines be­yond them. He shewes most fit­ly among all professions, that Natura paucis con­ [...]. nature is contented with a little for the sweete fountaine is his fayrest alehouse; the sunny ban [...]e [Page 416] his best chāber. Adam had neuer lesse need of neighbors frēdship; nor was at any time troubled with neighbors enuy lesse then hee: The next groaue or thicket will defend him from a shower: and if they be not so fauourable, his homely pallace is not farre distant. He proues quietnes to be best contentment, and that there is no quietnes like a cer taine rest. His flock affords him his whole rayment, outside and linings, cloath and leather: and in stead of much costly linnen, his little garden yeelds hemp e­nough to make his lockrum shirts: which doe preserue his body sweetend against court­itch and poxes, as a scare-cloath sweetens carcasles. Hee giues the iust Epitome of a contented man: for he is neither daunted with lightning and thunder, nor [Page 417] ouer ioyed with spring-time & haruest. His duly life is a delight full worke, whatsoeuer the worke be; whether to mend his garments, cure a diseased sheep, instruct his Dogge, or change pastures: and these be pleasant actions, because voluntary, pa­tient not interrupted. He com­prehends the true patterne of a moderate wise man: for as a shepheard so a moderate man hath the supremacy ouer his thoughts and passions: neither hath he any affection of so wilde a nature, but he can bring it in­to good order, with an easie whistle. The worst temptation of his idlenesse teaches him no further mischiefe, then to loue entirely some nut-brown milke­maid, or hunt the squirrell, or make his Cosset wanton. Hee may turne many rare esteemed [Page 418] Phisitians into shame and blush­ing: for whereas they with infi­nite compounds and fayre pro­mises, doe carry men to death, the f [...]rthest way about; he with a few simples preserues himselfe and familie, to the most length­ned sufferance of nature. Tarre and Honey be his mithridates and syrups; the which together with a Christmas Caroll, desend his desolate life from cares and me­lancholy. With little knowledg and a simple saith, he purifies [...]is honest soule, in the same manner as he can wash his body in an obscure fountaine, better then in the wide Ocean. When hee seemes lazy and void of action, I dare approue his harmles neg­ligence, rather then many ap­proued mens diligence. Breifely he is the perfect allegory of a most blessed gouernor: And he [Page 419] that wil pursue the tropes inuen­tion, may make this Character a volume.

CHARACT: XXVI. A Taylors man

IS a Coniunction copulatiue: He makes things hang together; & when his master seperates, he reconciles. A man would thinke he might bee trusted; for hee goes thorough stitch with businesse. He sits brooding like a Goose vpon the shop boord, and hatches parcells out of pee­ces. He will be any mans sump­ter-horse, between six and eight in the morning: and hee lookes for twelue pence, or a tester to bring men acquainted with their owne cloathes. He loues bread by custome; for it is a part [Page 420] of his trade to bee a binder Hee thinkes it no sinne to second his Maister: and therfore when his maister hath done stealing, hee begins. He doth or may resolue by vertue of his Indentures to feele a two-folde itch, though his indenture specifies faire v­sage and cleane linnen: And he holds it lawfull to shrugg vpon the shop-boord, but rather then hee will wriggle before Gentle­men, he dares be bitten to the marrow. The Basilisk and Eagle cannot match his eye-sight: for hee can looke through buffe, or three-piled veluet, but with his needles eye. Hee will stoope to your very breeches to doe you good, though you disgrace him vtterly. He carryes alwaies a­bout him the picture of [...]: [...] [...] Iuas repe­titum vene­ [...] olim, Grex aui­um p [...]umas, mo [...]eat [...] da a colo [...] ­bus. Hora­ces crow: but hee perceiues no such matter: he weares his ap­parrell [Page 421] by leaue of the peoples ig­norance: for if euery customer could challenge his owne rem­nant, hee would be stript naked. He needs not vse the Corn cut­ter; for the slip-shoe fauours him. Call his theft in question, and hee condemnes himselfe: for he pleads auncient custome; whereas Antiquity punish'd [...] fur­runt tem [...] [...] [...] [...] ­ra [...]: ma [...] nec in [...]nde­stum, e [...] con­ [...] qui [...] [...]ur­tum non manifestum duplionem lui [...]o. [...] [...]: apud [...]: close theeuery of that kinde, with a double payne. Hee hath little or nothing to plead chri­stianity and courage, but sitting crosse-leg'd: Which property makes him reuerēce the Knight semplars, and thinke that his profession hath beene of the same order Hee hath no more courage then will serue to com­mend his owne workman-ship: And you may know as well whē a Blackamore is dead, as when hee dissembles by the countenance. [Page 422] He deceiues freely, with small discredit, and lesse shame; as some Phisitians that bee Noble-mens Panders: It is incident to the profession, and past finding out. Hee neede not wonder why the [...]owse should trouble his, more, then other Trades: for his gar­ments haue more seames then two or three sutes together. Or you may think it reason, that he should be bittē outwardly with Lice, because hee scornes to be bitten inwardly with Consci­ence. Little familiarity serues to make him (as likewise all clownish Trades-men) your ae­quall, without the Heralds pitty. Tearing off his apparell, is the least wrong you can offer him: for hee hath his mends in his own hand. He can shew nothing to proue himselfe worth the name of Man; but his denomi­nation [Page 423] of a Taylors man: Which argues most against him; and proues him to bee a Cowards coward: For being a Seruant, hee must feare his Maister, who feares all men of spirit. A paire of sheeres and a pressing Iron, are his cheife goods and pur­chase. You may sooner make his thimble holde water, without stopping, then his fancy keepe one fashion. Breifly he consists of shreds and remnants; yet of­tentimes there goes but a paire of sheeres betwixt him and a Gentleman: For many Gentle­men consist of out-side, in which the Taylors man takes part.

CHARACT. XXVII. A Fidler

IS, when he playes well a de­light only for them who haue [Page 422] [...] [Page 423] [...] [Page 424] their hearing: but is, when he playes ill, a delight only for them who haue not their hea­ring; and is alwaies a trouble [...] Diogines calls a bad Mu [...]itiā the mo [...]nings Cocke; be­cause al that heare him, rise, & leaue him. I ae [...]t. lib. 6. [...]ol. 176. to himselfe, because he heares too much: his head is wider then his braine, by so much as a Car­riers boot is wider then his leg; much about halfe in halfe. Hee may best endure to fall groue­ling in a puddle: For it is part of his profession to be a scraper. He is like the Nomades, a wande­rer from his child-hood: there is no certainty of his abiding: he cannot be bound prentise; for iourny-man-like hee trauailes from place to place, seeking to be set on worke before he hath learnt his trade. Being suddenly entertained without agreement, he is suddenly turnd out of dores, without giuing offence. He doth enquire out Gentle­mens [Page 425] names and lodgings as if he purposed to lye in waite for an arrest: and the truth proues little otherwise: For he doth arrest men by their ears though they haue beene in the Pillory. he hath his morning, his mid­day, and his euening deuotion: Wherein praying for others he findes his owne blessing. His company stand like the foremen of a Iury, to giue in their ver­dict; and he doth alwaies make two or three shillings be cast; or as much as you please to giue him. He is not worth a fiddle­sticke without nimble fingers; and they be the surest good qua­lity to make him suspected. Hope of imployment driues him vp to London: and he thinkes that an vnlucky day in terme, which is not a day of hearing. He bids God giue your worship good morrow, [Page 426] in the most dolefull and scuruy fashion; that his musicke may relish the better. A new song and a base-Viall makes him. He deceiues with his commodity worse then a Tobacco-man: For he will vtter Peg of Ramsey, and the Maske of Lincolnes Inne, both for one prise. It is not materiall how soundly, but how long he hath laid time asleepe: for that is indeed his faculty; to be a temporall inchanter. He is a de­fended night-walker: and vnder priuiledge of Musicke takes oc­casion to disquiet men, who had rather sleepe, then heare him. disquiet is not all the danger he brings with him: for he can send his little spirit of Musick vpon a ladder of Lute-strings, into your priuate chamber: and enforce you to picke your own pockets that he may depart contented. [Page 427] He disproues the rule in Lo­gicke; quod efficit tale magis est tale: The workman is more excel­cellent then his worke: for he hath wit enough to tune his Viall though his wits are alwaies vn­tunable. Fidlers may haue the same conceit, which Potentiae Romanoru prior [...] viam aper­uit, luxuriae posterior a­peruit: Paterculus lib. 2. Scipio had among the Romans: the former Scipio increasd Romes power: the last, Romes luxury: and Fidlers at first were instruments of the warres; but now of ryot. Hee lookes more to be commended by the companies ignorance then his good Musicke, & more by their bounty then by their ignorance. His braines are (like the Mackerell) a drie meate; and and therefore they must be but­terd with songs and ballads, or they bee worth nothing: the tunes warme his head, and keep it boyling: he doth apprehend [Page 428] tunes (as the Beadle appre­hends beggars) when they be vagrant: that they may worke together in the bridewell of his noddle, to maintaine them­selues and him. The tippets of his eare be noynted with an in­visible Oyle of custome; which serues to catch tunes as birdlime catches flyes; and, being taken, one catches another. He dares intrude by vertue of his profes [...]i on, not of his vocation: For hee comes without calling: but he will neither proue a delight nor trouble to any man against his will: and therefore he beginns thus; Will it please you to haue any Musicke? If that Musicke ra­ther please you, call for the Fiddler himselfe.

CHARACT. XXVIII. An Executioner

IS a husbandman; belonging to that great Lordship of the world a prison. Hee goes to cart commonly with vs, in these quarters; and sometimes to har­rowes with a hurdle. hee hath lawful reason to be lazy: for his haruest and seede time are at o­ther mens appointment: male­factors are his graine; which sowes it selfe in mischief; while hee sleepes and dreames of no such matter: the sherife his land­lord appointes the time of rea­ping: the ground about the gal­lowes is his garden plot: from whence he gathers. Hemp, Flax and woollen dressed ready to his hand. Vpon that fruitful bowgh the gallowes, he doth ingraft his medlars: when he gathers them [Page 430] he contents himselfe only with parings: for knowing that their inwards be good for nothing til they be rotten, hee buries them in the ground, that they may [...]i­pen & wax mellow: but he can­not looke to enioy them: for they be neuer fully ripe vntil the resurrection. The blood of [...]arles and Barons, are as a fruit­full rayne to him: for it beto­kens & begets his plenty. With saplesse worme-eaten trunkes of [...]ereticks, he makes a bonefire; to signifie Gods gratious deliue­rance of our king and kingdom, from the like danger: and when the peoples heads (like to the tops of trees) are ouer laden with sowre fruite, hee prunes their head▪ branches in the pillory. But when he pares away the top close to the trunke and body, it must be intended that the body [Page 431] and soule will flourish better within a while after. Vilaines turne hangmenn, as Serpents turne Dragons: a Serpens n [...]Serpen­tem com ederitnon fit Draco, serpent eats a serpent, before it is made a­Dragon: and a villaine hangs a villaine before he may be called Hangman. He doth obserue state in his action: for his place of presence is exceeding well han­ged. The taylor cannot cousen him: his wardtobe affords choyse of garments. He resem­bles the gouernment of a nota­ble tyrant▪ he lookes to the brin­ging vp of his fauourites, and helpes to their bringing downe: he hath many dependant follo­wers: for (as the prouerb saith) hangman leades the dance: but he behaues himselfe towardes them like a cruell master: for when they haue once shewed him a slippery trick, he puls their [Page 432] cloath ouer their eares, & turnes them out of seruice. Hee is one of the most dangerous ignorant people (except the Maior and Aldermen) that keepes about corporations: there is no dea­ling with him vnder the prise of a broken ioynt▪ you may well thinke his weapons are vnmercy­full; for his Hangers are a deadly torment. He can dispatch and Execute past amendment: but the meaning of aduise he knows no [...] for who can tell mee of a hang­man that giues counsell? he was neuer so much in loue with his trade as when the man preferd Tyburne before Burmuda: and I am halfe perswaded that if hee had but a balladmakers poetry, he would sooner make an Epi­taph for that freind to the gal­lowes, then any prince in Chri­stendom: till he turnes poet he [Page 433] may be thus furnished.