A Description of Time: Applied [...] this present Time.

With Times merry Orders to be observed.

Men doe blame Time, while they their Time do spend
Vnto no purpose, or to a bad end.

LONDON: Printed by I. O. for Francis Gr [...]ve, and are to be sold at his Shop on Snow Hill, neare the Sarazens head. 1638.

THE DESCRIPTION of Time: Applyed to this present Time.

WHereas Time hath seene much vanity, which is all laid upon Times old Shoul­ders, and wheras Times ears have beene tyr'd with Tales of Cocks and buls, lying, swearing, and comple­menting, scoffes, and jeeres, while one cryes, O Times! O Manners! another saies, What Times are these? another sings no other song but, Here's an Age would make a man mad: Time therefore to cleere himselfe, and to shew that the World is deceived in [Page] laying the blame of all matters upon Times backe, hath here set downe his abuses, and certaine merry orders to be observed, that so the World may not grudge at the present Time, nor Time bee offended with the vice and vanity of the World, but both live merrily, according to these orders following.

[Page]O Mortalls! why doe you complaine of Time?
Read here my griefe and wrongs in every line.
You oftentimes doe wish that I would stay,
When you are at the Ale-house, or at play:
But never thinke that Time with his sharpe Sithe,
Mowes downe by houres and daies your mortal life.
And when you commit any wickednesse,
And thereby bring your selves to great distresse,
Then with poore Time you presently are mad,
And thinke me evill because you are bad.
What should Time doe, if he should strive to please
All those who are sicke of a mad disease?
And are so discontented with old Time,
Who quietly doth runne through every Signe.
For if that he would get the Land-lords praise,
Then he must turne himselfe to Quarter-dayes:
Or if the Tennants curses he would shunne,
Then he must make the Quarter slowly come:
If he would please the Virgin, he must bring
A Suiter to her in her youthfull Spring:
If he would please the Old man, he must stay
His Houre-glasse, and his houre of Death delay:
Or if he would the Cittizens love earne,
Then he must adde to the yeare a fifth Terme.
One sayes that Time is now growne very hard,
And that his gates against the poore are barr'd:
[Page]Another sayes, it is a wanton Time,
When men are onely guilty of that crime.
For Time is much asham'd by Day and Night,
To see such sights as doe him much affright,
And make his old gray Fore-lock stand on end,
To see how some doe prodigally spend
Their precious houres in drinking and in swearing,
Making a shew, and to the world appearing
Brave Gallants, who are onely outward shapes
Of Gentlemen, or rather but their Apes.
For they esteeme that Vertue cannot be
The formall cause of true Gentility,
Or that poore undiscerned Vertue can
Give onely being to a Gentleman.
But let them passe; they that doe thus abuse
Poore Time, shall want Time, which they scorne to use.
And in a word, most men their Time doe spend
Unto no purpose, or to a bad end.

Times Orders to be observed.

FIrst, let no Woman presume to 1 paint her face, that hath beau­tie enough of her owne; for though she have colour for her chéeke, yet shée shall have none for her immodesty; then Times chéeke will looke fresh and lively.

Let Taylers never cosen Gentlem [...]n in 2 their Sutes by the Custome of London nor take up more than will serve, conspiring with the Mercer to gull the Gentry: Let them never make any l [...]se bodied gownes for Women, so that they can never hold their owne. Let them never sowe any gar­ments in such hasty manner, that ye seames are presently all unript, let them never put in bad linings into any Sute, and kéepe the other for themselves. And lastly, let them never with long Bills assault and set upon Gentlemen: these Orders being ob­served, [Page] the hands of Time will not be guil­tie of so much théeving and stealing.

3 Let Hosts & Hostesses, & all Uictuallers give nor afford any more drinke, either Wine, or Béere, or Ale, than wil moderate­ly suffice their guests: let them not like briars and bushes, hang about their armes, and make them stay when they would bée gone, or are indeede gone already. Let them remember to fill their Pots, and suf­fer no Drunkard to spend that in one houre or Day, which should maintaine him, and (perhaps) his Wife and Children all the Weeke. These Orders being observed, Hosts and Hostesses shall live honestly, Tradesmen shall live thriftily, and Time shall be counted no Drunkard.

4 Also it is ordered by Time, that hee that spends money before hee hath it, shall bee counted a forward fellow, and a cunning man; but because women are like this yeere to have tender eyes, therefore they shall have mourning Gownes made with great sleeves, that they may mourne for their Husbands decease in their Gownes, and laugh in their sleeves.

5 Moreover, it is ordained, that if any men have a red Nose betweene this and Iuly, they shall forfeit all the shooes in their [Page] shops; but if his wife be a scold, then the case is alter'd, for he may goe to the Ale­house by the priviledge of bad Husbands. Also if any one drinke more than will doe him good, it is ordayned by Time, that [...] morning his head shall be cut off, and set up for the Signe of the Foxe and Goose. for by this meanes the Drunkards in these Times will be fewer.

Besides, it is decreed and ordained, that 6 if Husbands and their Wives fall out about cutting of a legge of Mutton, before they have eate the Porridge, that then the Gray Mare is the better Horse: but yet to the terrour of all scolding tongues, all scold [...] shall be forced to eate hot Porridge, til they coole the fury of their tongues; and when they will not be rul'd by reason, some wives shall be duckt upon a Feather-bed, and made quiet thereby, and so the eares of Time shall not be disquieted with the noise of scolding in the streets.

Furthermore, it is ordained, that Oy­ster,7 wives, and the other cryers of commo­dities, shall get an Art to cry softly; & that men shall never talke any thing of their Neighbour, but that which is good; and that scraping of [...]renchers, and the bab­ling of fooles shall he silenc'd: Also Sex­tons [Page] shall invent a new way to ring Bell [...] without making any noise: Smiths [...] viles shall be lin'd with Cushions, Roarer [...] shall grow hoarse for want of money▪ Scolds (as I said) shall grow tongue ty'd, Carts and Coach-wheeles shall bee lin'd with Bombast, & order shall be taken with Water-men▪ that they shall not make such a bawling; Prentices in a Terme-time shall not dare to cry, What lacke you? but shall fall asléepe upon their Shop-bookes, and generally, all noises shall be put downe, and silenc'd, whereby the eares of Time are offended: as most especially, all drunkes quarrelling and prating in Ale-houses, and singing of Catches when they be more than halfe asléepe: Also Coopers shall h [...]pe the [...] Tubs and Uessels in Cellers, and not in ye Stréets, and all other violent sounds and noises, as barking of Currs, winding up of Iacks, squeaking of Cats, the humming noises of Muskets, withall the Thunders in the lower Regement of the belly, and the bay [...]ing of the Beares, are all forbidden, as troublesome and offensive to Times eares.

8 Also, because Times eyes are growne old and sender, therefore it shall be ordai­ned, that none shall have more money than wit, for that is offensive to Time; neither [Page] shall any weare new brade cloaths that are not paid for nor presume to iustle the wall when he is drunke, nor to réele afterward into the kennell. Also for a Woman to breake her Husbands Coxcombe with Ladle, shall be a fight-very displeasing to Time: also the strange Fashions which are every day invented, shall bee quite forgot­ten, and young men shall not strive to have Beards before their Time, nor shall Dogges presume to run away with shoul­ders of Mutton out of Rich mens houses: Fooles shal not ride upon wise mens backs, nor make Asses of them; Serving-men shall not weare Cloakes for their knavery, young Wenches shall not looke gréene at Fiftéene for want of Husbands: all To­bacco-pipes shall bee broken, and Joane Slattergood shall buy new Stockins, for Time is much distasted to sée her hose bro­ken above the shooe: also all courting of Maids in the darke, with whispering them in the eare, and other silent temptations shall bee quite abolished: Bread shall béee made of a iust size and quantity, although the Baker bee not taught to see to make it weight, by looking through a wooden win­dow▪ And to conclude, Owles shall flye in the Night, Measures shall bee made [Page] right and iust, Red Noses shal grow pale, bald crownes be cover'd with Perriwigs, Wenches shall never walke in their dreames stark naked fooles shal not feere for want of Wit, Beggers shall not ride while wise men goe on foote: Chandelers shal not cut small penny-worths of Chéese, Coblers shal not dare to play the Cookes, and licke their thumbs; Meate shal not be roasted without a fire, and Chambers shal never bee kept cleane without swée­ping and washing, for these sights are dis­pleasing to Time.

9 Moreover, because Time is out of T [...]st [...], and distastes many things, therefore hée hath ordayn'd, that poore men and priso­ners shal never make great sumptuous Feasts▪ and also, men shal not pay more for their sawes than for their meate, which hath bin an old custome time out of minde. Besides, it is ordain'd, that Mustard and Hartichoaks, or clowted Creame and Ui­neger shal never be served up together; also a Table without meat shal be counted no Dinner, & it shal be lawful to rise frō thence without giving thankes; also for any man to choake himselfe with drinking good [...]ack, shal bee very distastefull to the Pallat of Time: and besides, Time allowes none to [Page] eate good cheere, but such as have money to buy it. No Tarts shal be made of Iéeres and scoffes, nor such as have Rheumaticke Noses, shal make no Puddings; nor shal any fat wench make Butter in Summer: besides, Carpes, and Pouts, and Railes, with Crabs for an after course, shal not bee served up at any marryed mans Table, not­shal an old shooe-soale, though it be mine'd, and butterd, and drest after the French fa­shion, ever make any good meats: And al­so Time hath thought good, that butterd Ling without Egges, shal not bee so good meate as with Egges; nor a Calves h [...]d without Bacon, as good as with Bacon; al­so there shal be very little savour in ye white of an egge, nor in any thing else without Salt, for that wil savour all things except ill words, or the folly of a Foole. Besides, no man shal presume to taste very hot broth for feare he burne his mouth; nor to eate a dozen of new Cakes without drinke, for feare he choake himselfe. And in generall, all working dayes and fasting dayes, fur­m [...]ty that is burnt to, conserves of roast Beefe, all sawcinesse in Boyes, all Ui­neger virtuous admonitions, and Worme­wood words, and more especially swal­lowing downe knavery, without troubling [Page] the stomacke of Conscience, is distasteful [...] to Times taste.

10 And moreover, Foot-men shall be com­pell'd to change their Socks twice a day, or else not to come in their Ladies presence. Besides, Fish-wives shall not [...] new Fish, when it is ready to stink [...] ▪ for that is abhominable in the nose of Time. And moreover, it shall be accounted better to have a sweete breath, than to weare sweete powders and Muske about them. Also the smell of Mace shall be very dange­rous, especially about the Counter, and the smell of a great Feast shall never fill a mans belly.

It is ordayned also, that the smell of Sir Ajax breath against rainy weather, and the sent of More-ditch in Summer, shall be ve­ry distastefull to Times Nose: all h [...]st is words also shall make Time take Pepper in the nose, and therefore hot stomacks shal eate great store of Sage to coole their fu­ry. Also knavery, hidden under shewes of honesty, if discerned; shall smell ranke, and be very distastefull to Times nose; and also complements being perfum'd & sweeten'd with dissimulation, shall be soone disliked. Moreover, Water that is pure and cleere, shall be thought to have no smell; but good [Page] Sacke shall make Times nose looke Sun­burnt. Also the smell of Money shall bee counted very savoury, according to the old Proverb, Bonus lucri odor ex re qualibet: The smell of gaine is sweete, though from a Iakes. Lastly, the smell of ye snuffe of a Candle, the burning of Woollen in the fire, a Chamber-pot full of stale Urine the cunning of Hostesses, the knavery of Host­lers, and generally, all false dealing and corruption shal be very distasteful to Times nose.

Also, because Time is old, and starke 11 bald behinde, therefore it shall be no offence for such as have had wits, to bring forth bald conceits: and because Time is old, (as I said) in his last declining Age, therefore it shal be lawfull for old men to dye in good age, and while they live, to bee honour'd before young Gallants, by the priviledge of Time and Seniority.

Moreover, because Times wit and iudg­ment 12 cannot chuse but be very crazie, after so many yeeres griefe and trouble, therefore it is ordain'd, that Wit shal runne a wooll-gathering, to make a Night-cap for him; and that hee shal never bee made any Offi­cer or Watchman. And besides, Time hath ordain'd, that hée that can kéepe his [Page] fingers out of the fire, shall be counted a wise Man, and shee that can rea [...] egges wel, a cunning woman; but if a­ny Asse presume to put on a Gowne, hee shall bee apprehended for a counterfeit Philosopher.

It is ordained also, that Fooles shall aggree very well together; and hee that can tell an hundred pound of his owne Money, shall bee counted a skilfuller Man than he that can cast up great summes in figures. And to conclude, to see Geese cackle, and talke Greeke, to heare Asses make Orations in strange Languages, to heare Cuckowes sing severall Tunes, to see Young men have more money than manners, to see Rootes worne for Night-Cappes, and Hats for Shooes, and to tell a Tale to a Mare, shall bee all displeasing to Times wit. Also, to heare a Morrice Da [...]ce commended for an excellent Maske, or Crabs for very good Pippins, or that the Powder of a Post, is better than Suger to sweeten Wine: These are all distastefull to Times Iudge­ment.

Therefore it is ordained, that money shall be preferred before desert, by the prin­cipall [Page] Iudgements, and that a Calves head and Bacon shal be esteemd a bet­ter Dish of meate, than Ling without Oyle and Mustard; a foule stable shall bee iudged better for a tyred horse than a faire way: but betwéen Knavery, Dishonesty, and Base­nesse, there shall bee little diffe­rence in Times Iudgement.

And moreover, because Time is 13 generally hated and every one desires his Roome rather than his Compa­ny: Therefore it is ordained, that Young fellowes that spend their time wastefully, shall bee very Asses in their Age; and that Powderd Beefe shall bee sometimes not mollified, or softned by ten of Clocke, because they let time passe away unregarded. Also old Maides shall despaire of Hus­bands, and all because they let Time passe away unregarded; and so shall such as frequent Alehouses be adiudg­ed to goe in old cloathes, because they did not make use of, nor respect Time.

[Page]And because Time hath beene much abused by Drinking, therefore it is ordained, that some shall be carri­ed to the Counter before they have Time to pay their Debts, or compound with their Hostesse; and besides, hee that takes up com­modities upon Times backe, shall be found to pay for them over Times Shoulders.

Also it is ordained▪ that men shal waste upon Time and Tide, and Pud­dings and Pyes shall be dough back'd, if they bee not set in the Oven in Time.

And likewise Time doth ordaine, that he which sleepeth till tenne of Clocke, that hee will bee so offended with him, that hee shall never rise early in a Morning: And whereas Time did use to make young Wenches ripe and ready for Husbands at fifteen yeares of age, now they shall stay till twenty five, if they have not Por­tions: Moreover, tho [...]e that shell [Page] Pease in Summer, and can doe no­thing else, may fréely play thrée quar­ters of the Yéere; and such as dresse themselves onely against Dinner-time, shal bee counted no early ri­sing Huswives; and Béere shal grow ripe with Time, but Ale shal be trans­form'd into Uineger.

Moreover, it is the pleasure of Time, that all Bils and Bonds bea­ring no Date, shal bee payd in the yéere One Thousand sixe Hundred and never. And because Young men should bee warie and thrifty, (as it be­commeth them so to bee) therefore such as wast their Time, in follow­ing vaine and idle pleasures, are or­dayned to Beggers, by a Statute that was made in the Yéere One thou­sand foure hundred and seven.

And also to prevent all inconveni­ences arising by the neglect of Time. it is ordayned, that Prodigals shal have more wit than money, and that the stealing of a nappe upon an Ale­bench, [Page] shal bee counted a Fellony a­gainst Time; and that Feather, beds shal bee made hard, being stuft with Cotten of Care, that men may turne twenty times before they can sleepe, or take any rest: And also Tobacco, a great waster of Time, shal bee made to smoake wheresoever hee is found: Ringing also of Bells shal not be held so necessary as ringing of Cloaths, and such like.

And lastly, Time ordaines, that Drinking untill Midnight, sleeping untill Noone, dressing untill Dinner-time, Starching on Sundayes, wor­king on Holy dayes, tedious trim­mings at the Barbers, following costly Su [...]tes in Law, also for young Maydes to lye a Bed and spoyle their beauty or complexion, and long at Dinner, and sleeping by the Fire­side in the Winter-time, also all ex­treame laughing and quaffing, with many other kindes of ill living, shall bee distastefull to Time.

[Page]To give you Counsell thus, Time thinkes — it best,
And teach you truth, although it bee in jest:
For hee that will not counsell take from Time,
That hee will ner [...]e bee wise it is a Signe.
FINIS.

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