VVith a new Morissco, daunced by seauen Satyres, vpon the bottome of Diogines Tubbe.


AT LONDON, Printed by W. White for W. F. 1600.


HVmours, is late crown'd king of Caualeeres.
Fantastique-follies, grac'd with common fauour:
Ciuilitie, hath serued out his yeeres,
And scorreth now to waight on Good be hauour.
Gallants, like Richard the vsurper, swagger,
That had his hand continuall on his dagger.
Fashions is still consort with new fond shapes,
And feedeth dayly vpon strange disguise:
We shew our selues the imitating Apes
Of all the toyes that Strangers heades deuise:
For ther's no habite of hell-hatched sinne,
That we delight not to be clothed in.
Some sweare, as though they Stars from heauen could pull▪
And all their speach is poynted with the stabbe,
When all men know it is some coward gull,
That is but champion to a Shorditch drabbe:
Whose feather is his heades lightnes-proclaymer,
Although he seeme some mightie monster tamer.
Epicurisme cares not how he liues,
But still pursueth brutish Appetite.
Disdaine, regardes not what abuse he giues;
Carelesse of wronges, and vnregarding right.
Selfe-loue, (they say) to selfe-conceite is wed,
By which base match are vgly vices bred.
Pride, reuels like the roysting Pródigall;
Stretching his credite that his pursse strin [...] cracke,
Untill in some distresfull Iayle he fall,
Which wore of late a Lordship on his backe:
Where he till death must he for debt,
"Griefes night is neare, when pleasures sunne is set,
Vaunting, hath got a mightie thundring voyce,
Looking that all men should applaude his sounde:
His deedes are singuler, his wordes be choyce;
On earth his equall is not to be founde.
Thus Vertu's hid with Follies iuggling mist,
And hee's no man, that is no Humourist.
S. R.


GOod honest Poets, let me craue a boone,
That you would write, I do not are how soone,
Against the bastard humours howerly bred,
In euery mad brain'd wit-worne giddie head:
At such grosse follies do not sit and wincke,
Belabour these same Gulles with pen and incke.
You see some striue for faire hand-writing fame,
As Peeter Bales his signe can proue the same,
P. B. by writing won a golden Penne.
Gracing his credite with a golden Pen:
I would haue Poets proue more taller men:
In perfect Letters rested his contention,
But yours consist's in Wits choyce rare inuention.
Will you stand spending your inuentions treasure,
To teach Stage parrats speake for pennie pleasure,
While you your selues like musicke sounding Lutes
fretted and strunge, gaine them their silken sutes.
Leaue Cupids cut, Womens face flatt'ring praise,
Loues subiect growes too thredbare now adayes.
Change Venus Swannes, to write of Vulcans Geese,
And you shall merite Golden Pennes a peece.


[Page]Mirth pleaseth some; to others ti's offence:
Some wish t'haue follies tolde; some dislike that:
Some cōmend plaine conceites, some profound sence
And most would haue, themselues know not what.
Then he that would please all, and him selfe too,
Takes more in hand, then he is like to doo.

EPIG. 1.

MOnsieur Domingo is a skilfull man,
For much experience he hath lately got,
Prouing more Phisick in an Alehouse ca [...]
Then may be found in any Vinthers pot.
Beere he protestes is sodden and refin'd,
But this he speakes being single penny lyn'd.
For when his purse is swolne dut six-pence bigg
Why then he sweares; now by the Lorde I think
All Beere in Furope is not worth a figge.
A cuppe of Claret is the onely drinke.
And thus his praise from Beere to Wine doth go
Euen as his Purse in pence doth ebbe and flowe.


HAng him base gull; Ile stabbe him by the Lord,
If he presume to speake but halfe a word:
[...]e paunch the villaine with my Rapiers poynt,
[...]r heaw him with my Fauchion ioynt by ioynt.
Through both his cheeks my Poniard he shal haue
[...]r Mince-pie-like Ile mangle out the slaue.
[...]ske who I am, you whorson frise-gowne patch?
[...]all me before the Counstable, or Watch?
[...]annot a Captaine walke the Queenes high-way?
[...]vones, who de speake to? know ye villains, ha?
[...]ou drunken pessants, run's your tongs on wheeles?
[...]ong you to see your guttes about your heeles▪
[...]oest loue me Tym? let go my Rapier then,
[...]erswade me not from killing nine or ten:
[...]are no more to kill them in braueado,
[...]hen for to drinke a pipe of Trinedado.
[...]ly minde to patience neuer will restore-me,
[...]ntill their blood do gush in streames before-me,
[...]hus doth Sir Launcelot in his drunken stagger,
[...]eare, curse & raile, threaten, protest, & swagger
[...]ut being next day to sober answere brought,
[...]e's not the man can breede so base a thought.

EPIG. 3.

When Thraso meets his friend, he sweares by God,
Vnto his Chamber he shall welcome be:
Not that hee'le cloy him there with rost or sod,
Such vulgar diet with Cookes shops agree:
But hee'le present most kinde, exceeding franke,
The best Tabacco, that he euer dranke.
Such as himselfe did make a voyage for,
And with his owne hands gatherd from the ground
All that which other fetch he doth abhor,
His, grew vpon an Iland neuer found,
Oh rare compound, a dying horse to choke,
Of English fier, and of India smoke.

EPIG. 4.

Who seekes to please all men each way,
And not himselfe offende,
He may begin his worke to day,
But God knowes when hee'le end.

EPIG. 5.

Alas Delfridus keepes his bed God knowes,
Which is a signe his worship's verie ill;
His griefe beyond the grounds of Phisicke goes,
No Doctor that comes neere it with his skill,
Yet doth he eate, drinke, talke, and sleepe profoun [...]
Seeming to all mens Iudgments healthfull sound.
Then gesse the cause he thus to bed is drawne,
What? thinke you so; may such a hap procure it?
Well; faith tis true, his hose are out at pawne,
A Breetchlesse chaunce is come, he must indure it
His hose to Brokers Iayle committed are,
His singuler, and onely, Veluet paire.

EPIG. 6.

Diogines oneday through Athens went,
With burning Torch in Sun-shine: his intent
Was (as he said) some honest man to finde:
[...]or such were rare to meete, or he was blinde.
[...]ne late, might haue done wel like light t'haue got
[...]hat sought his wife; met her, and knew her not:
[...]ut stay, cry mercy, she had on her maske,
[...]ow could his eyes performe their spying taske?
[...]is verie true, t'was hard for him to doo,
[...]y Sunne, and Torch; let him take Lant-horne too.

EPIG. 7.

Speake Gentlemen, what shall we do to day?
Drinke some braue health vpon the Dutch carous
Or shall we to the Globe and see a Play?
Or visit Shorditch for a bawdie house?
Lets call for Cardes or Dice, and haue a Game,
To sit thus idle, is both sinne and shame.
This speakes Sir Reuell, furnisht out with fashion,
From dish-crownd Hat, vnto the Shoo's square to
That haunts a Whore-house but for recreation,
Playes but at Dice to conny catch or so.
Drinkes drunke in kindnes, for good fellowship.
Or to Play goes but some Purse to nip.

EPIG. 8.

Sir gall-Iade, is a Horse man e'ry day,
His Bootes and Spurres and Legges do neuer part;
He rides a horse as passing cleane away,
As any that goes Tyburne-warde by cart.
Yet honestly he payes for hacknyes hyer,
But hang them Iades, he sell's them when they tire.
He liues not like Diogines on Rootes,
But proues a Mince-pie guest vnto his Host.
He scornes to walke in Paules without his Bootes,
And scores his diet on the Vitlers post:
And when he knowes not where to haue his dinner
He fastes, and sweares, A glutton is a sinner.

EPIG. 9. Drudo.

This Gentleman hath serued long in Fraunce,
And is returned filthy full of French,
In single combat, being hurt by chaunce,
As he was closely foyling at a Wench:
Yet hot alarmes he hath endur'd good store,
But neuer in like pockie heate before.
He had no sooner drawne and ventred ny-her,
Intending only but to haue about,
When she his Flaske and Touch-boxe set on fier,
And till this hower the burning is not out.
Iudge, was not valour in this Martiall wight,
That with a spit-fir Serpent so durst fight.

EPIG. 10. In Meritricem.

FAyth Gentleman, you moue me to offence.
In comming to me with vnchast pretence.
Haue I the lookes of a lasciuious Dame?
That you should deeme me fit for wantons game?
I am not she will take lustes sinne vpon her,
He rather die, then dimme chast glorious honor.
Tempt not mine eares; an grace of Christ I meane
To keepe my honest reputation cleane:
My hearing lets no such lewd sound come in,
My senses loath to surfet on sweet sinne,
Reuerse your minde, that goes from grace astray,
And God forgiue you, with my hart I pray.
The Gallant notes her words, obserues her frowns
Then drawes his purse, & lets her view his crowns
Vowing that if her kindnes graunt him pleasure,
She shall be Mistris to command his treasure.
The stormes are calm'd, the gust is ouer-blowne,
And she replies with: Yours or not her owne.
Desiring him to censure for the best,
Twa's but her tricke to try if men do iest:
Her loue is lock'd where he may picke the trunck
Let Singer iudge if this be not a puncke.

EPIG. 11.

Pollitique Peeter meetes his friend a shore,
That came from Seas but newly tother day:
And giues him French embracements by the score
Then folowes: Dicke, Hast made good voyage, say?
But hearing Richards shares be poore and sicke,
Peeter ha's haste, and cannot drinke with Dicke.
Well, then he meetes an other Caualeere,
Whom he salutes about the Knees and Thighes:
welcome sweet Iames, now by the Lord what cheere
Ne're better Peeter, We haue got rich prize.
Come, come (sayes Peeter) eu'en a welcome quart,
For by my fayth, weele drinke before wee part:

Or thus:

Fayth-we must drinke, that's flat, before we part.

EPIG. 12.

Fine Phillip comes vnto the Barbers shopp,
Wheer's nittie lockes must suffer reformation.
The Chayre and Cushion entertaine his sloppe:
The Barber craues to know his worships fashion.
His will is shauen; for his beard is thin,
It was so lately banish'd from his chinne.
But shauing oft will helpe it, he doth hope,
And therefore for the smooth-face cut he calles:
Then, fie; these cloathes are washt with common sope.
Why dost thou vse such ordinary balles?
I scorne this common trimming like a Boore,
Yet with his hart he loues a common whoore.

EPIG. 13. Signieur Fantasticke.

I scorne to meete an enemie in fielde,
Except he be a Souldier: (by this light)
I likewise scorne, my reason for to yeelde:
Yea further, I do well nigh scorne to fight.
Moreouer, I do scorne to be so vaine,
To draw my Rapier, and put vp againe.
I eke do scorne to walke without my man,
Yea, and I scorne good morrow and good deane:
I also scorne to touch an Ale-house cann,
Thereto I scorne an ordinarie Queane.
Thus doth he scorne, disdainfull, proude, and grim,
All but the Foole onely, he scornes not him,

EPIG. 14.

Some do account it golden lucke,
They may be Widdow-sped for mucke,
Boyes on whose chinnes no downe appeares,
Marry olde Croanes of threescore yeares:
But they are fooles to Widdowes cleaue,
Let them take that which Maydes do leaue.

EPIG. 15.

Amorous Austin spendes much Balletting,
In rimeing Letters, and loue Sonnetting.
She that loues him, his Ynckehorne shall be paint her,
And with all Uenus tytles hee'le acquaint her:
Vowing she is a perfect Angell right,
When she by waight is many graines too light:
Nay all that do but touch her with the stone,
Will be depos'd that Angell she is none.
How can he proue her for an Angell them?
That proues her selfe a Diuell, tempting men,
And draweth many to the fierie pit,
Where they are burned for their en'tring it.
I know no cause wherefore he tearmes her so,
Vnlesse he meanes shee's one of them below,
Where Lucifer, chiefe Prince doth domineere:
If she be such, then good my hartes stand cleere,
Come not within the compasse of her flight,
For such as do, are haunted with a spright.
This Angell is not noted by her winges,
But by her tayle, as full of prickes and stinges.
And know this lustblind Louer's vaine is led,
To prayse his Diuell, in an Angels sted.

EPIG. 16.

Gallus will haus no Barbour prune his beard,
Yet is his chin cleane shauen and vnh'ear'd.
How comes he trimmed, you may aske me than?
His Wenches do it with their warming-pan.

EPIG. 17.

When Caualero Rake-hell is to rise
Out of his bed, he capers light and heddy.
Then wounds he sweares: you arant whore he cries
Why what's the cause that breakfast is not reddy?
Can men feede like Camelions, on the ayre?
This is the manner of his morning prayer.
Well, he sweares on, vntill his breakfast comes,
And then with teeth he falles to worke a pace:
Leauing his boy a banquet all of crummes.
Dispatch you Roague: my Rapier, thats his grace.
So foorth he walkes, his stomacke must goe shift,
To dine and suppe abroad, by deed of guift.

EPIG. 18.

A wofull exclamation late I heard,
Wherewith Tabacco takers may be feard:
One at the poynt with pipe and leafe to part,
Did vow Tabacco worse then death's blacke dart:
And prou'd it thus You know (quoth he) my friends
Death onely stabbes the hart, and so life endes:
But this same poyson, steeped India weede,
In head, hart, lunges, doth soote & copwebs breede.
With that he gasp'd, and breath'd out such a smoke
That all the standers by were like to choke.

EPIG. 19.

Cacus would gladly drinke, but wants his purse,
Nay wanteth money, which is ten times worse:
For as he vowes himselfe, he hath not seene
In three dayes space the picture of the Queene.
Yet if he meete a friend neare Tauerne signe,
Straight he intreates him take a pint of Wine:
For he will giue it, that he will, no nay.
What will he giue? the other leaue to pay.
He calleth: Boy, fill vs the tother quart,
I will bestow it euen with all my hart.
Then doth he diue into his sloppes profound,
Where not a poore Port-cullice can be found.
Meane while his frind discharges all the Wine:
Stay, stay (quoth he) or well, next shalbe mine.

EPIG. 02.

Francke in name, and Francke by nature,
Frauncis is a most kind creature:
Her selfe hath suffered many a fall,
[...]n striuing how to pleasurs all.

EPIG. 21.

Soto can proue, such as are drunke by noone,
Are long-liu'd men; the pox he can as soone.
Nay, heare his reason ere you do condemne,
And if you finde it foolish, hisse and hemme.
He sayes, Good blood is euen the life of man;
I graunt him that: (say you) well go-to than.
More drinke, the more good blood▪ O thats a lie;
The more you drinke, the sooner drunke, say I.
Now he protestes you do him mightie wrong,
Swearing a man in drinke, is three men strong:
And he will pawne his head against a pennie,
One right madd drunke, wil brawle and fight with anie.
Well, you reply▪ that argument is weake,
How can a drunkard brawle, that cannot speake?
Or how can he vse weapon in his hand.
Which can not guide his feete to goe or stande?
Harke what an oath the drunken slaue doth sweare
He is a man by that, a man may heare.
And when you see him stagger, reele, and winke,
He is a man and more; I by this drinke.

EPIG. 22.

When signeur Sacke & Suger drinke droun'd reeles,
He vowes to heaw the spur's from's fellows heeles
When calling for a quart of Charnico,
[...]nto a louing league they present grow:
Then instantly vpon a cuppe or twaine,
Out Poniards goe, and to the stabbe againe.
[...]rendes vpon that, they drinke and so imbrace:
Straight bandy Daggers at each others face.
This is the humour of a madd drunke foole,
[...]n Tauerne pots that keepes his Fenceing-schole.

EPIG. 23.

Cornutus was exceeding sicke and ill,
Pain'd as it seemed chiefly in his hed:
He cal'd his friends, meaning to make his will,
Who found him drunke, with hose & shooes a bed
To whom he sayd: Oh good my Maisters see,
Drinke with his dart hath all be stabbed me.
I here bequeath, if I do chaunce to die,
To you kinde friendes, and bon companions all,
A pound of good Tabacco, sweete and dry,
To drinke amongst you, at my funerall:
Besides, a barrell of the best strong Beere,
And Pickle-herrings, for to domineere.

EPIG. 24.

We men, in many faultes abound,
But two in women can be found:
The worst that from their sex proceedes,
Is naught in wordes, and naught in deedes.

EPIG. 25.

Bid me go sleepe? I scorne it with my heeles,
I know my selfe as good a man as thee.
Let go mine Arme I say, lead him that reeles,
I am a right good fellow; dost thou see?
I know what longes to drinking, and I can
Abuse my selfe as well as any man.
I care no more for twentie hundred pound,
(Before the Lord) then for a very straw.
Ile fight with any he aboue the ground.
Tut, tell not me whats what; I know the law.
Rapier and Dagger: hey, a kingly fight.
Ile now try falls with any, by this light.

EPIG. 26.

Behold, a most accomplish'd Caualeere,
That the world's Ape of fashions doth appeare,
VValking the streetes, his humors to disclose,
In the French Doublet, and the Germane hose:
The Muffes cloake, Spanish Hat, Toledo blade.
Italian ruffe, a Shooe right Flemish made,
Like Lord of Misrule, where he comes hee'le reuel [...]
And lie for wagers with the lying'st diuell.

Epig. 27.

Aske Humors why a Feather he doth weare?
It is his humor (by the Lord) heele sweare.
Or what he doth with such a Horse-taile locke?
Or why vpon a Whoore he spendes his stocke?
He hath a Humor doth determine so.
Why in the stop-throate fashion doth he go,
With Scarfe about his necke? Hat without band?
It is his humor, sweete sir vnderstand.
What cause his Purse is so extreame distrest,
That often times t'is scarcely penny blest?
Onely a Humor: If you question why?
His tongue is nere vnfurnish'd with a lye:
It is his Humor too he doth protest.
Or why with Serjants he is so opprest,
That like to Ghostes they haunt him erie day?
A rascall Humor, doth not loue to pay.
Obiect, why Bootes and Spurres are still in season?
His Humor answeres; Humor is his reason.
If you perceiue his wittes in wetting shrunke,
It commeth of a humor, to be drunke.
When you behold his lookes pale, thin, and poore,
Th'occasion is, his Humor, and a Whoore:
And euery thing that he doth vndertake,
It is a vaine, for sencelesse Humors sake.

EPIG. 28.

Three high-way standers, hauing cros-lesse cursse,
Did greet my friend with, Sir giue vs your pursse,
Though he were true-man, they agreed in one:
For pursse & coyne betwixt them foure was none.

EPIG. 29.

A Gentlewoman of the dealing trade,
Procur'd her owne sweete Picture to be made:
Which being done, she from her word did slippe,
And would not pay full due [...] manshippe.
The Painter swore she ne [...] [...] haue it so,
She bade him keepe it, and [...] go.
He chollericke, and might [...] content,
Straight tooke his Pencell and to worke he went:
Making the Dogge she helde, a grim Cattes face,
And hung it in his shoppe to her disgrace,
Some of her friendes that saw it to her went,
In iesting maner, as king what she ment,
To haue her picture hang where gazers swarme,
Holding a filthy Catte within her arme?
She in a shamefull heate in haste did hie,
The Painter to content and satisfie:
Right glad to giue a French Crowne for his paine
To turne her Catte into a Dogge againe.

EPIG. 30.

When Tarlton clown'd it in a pleasant vaine
With conceites did good opinions gaine
Vpon the stage, his merry humours shop.
Clownes knew the Clowne, by his great clownish slop
But now th'are gull'd, for present fashion sayes,
Dicke Tarltons part, Gentlemens breeches plaies:
In euery streete where any Gallant goes,
The swagg'ring Sloppe, is Tarltons clownish hose.

EPIG. 31. To Lutius.

One newly practiz'd in Astronomie,
That neuer dealt in weather witt before:
Would scrape (forsooth) acquaintance of the skie.
And by his art, go knocke at heauen dore,
Meane while a Scholler in his studie slippes,
And taught his Wife skill in the Moones eclippes.
Next night that friend perswades him walke alone
Into the field, to gather starres that fell:
To mix them with Philosophers rare stone
That begets gold: he likt the motion well,
And went to watch, where starres dropt very thin,
But raine so shour'd, it wet his foole-case skin.

EPIG. 32.

What gallant's that whose oaths flie through mine eares?
How like a lord of Plut [...]es court he sweares
How braue in such a baudie house he fought,
How rich his emptie purse is outside wrought,
How Duchman-like he swallows down his drinke
How sweete he takes Tabacco till he stinke:
How loftie sprited he disdaines a Boore,
How faythfull harted he is to a ( )
How cocke-taile proude he doth his head a duance
How rare his spurres do ring the morris-daunce.
Now I protest, by Mistris Susans fanne,
He and his boy, will make a proper man.

Epig. 33.

Laugh good my Maisters, if you can intend it,
For yonder comes a Foole that will defend it:
Saw you a verier Asse in all your life,
That makes himselfe a pack-horse to his wife?
I would his nose where I could wish, were warme,
For carrying Pearle, so prettie vnder's arme.
Pearle his wiues dog, a pretty sweete-fac'd curre,
That barkes a nightes at the least fart doth sturre,
Is now not well, his cold is scarcely brooke,
Therefore good Hisband wrap him in thy cloake:
And sweet hart, preethee helpe me to my Maske,
Hold Pearle but tender, for he hath the laske.
Heere, take my Muffe: & do you heare good man?
Now giue me Pearle, and carry you my Fanne.
Alacke poore Pearle, the wretch is full of paine,
Hisband take Pearle, giue me my Fanne againe:
See how he quakes; fayth I am like to weepe:
Come to me Pearle; my Scarfe good hisband keepe
To be with me I know my Puppie loues.
Why Pearle, I say: Hisband take vp my Gloues.
Thus goodman Idiot thinkes himselfe an Earle,
That he can please his wife, and carry Pearle:
But other iudge his state to be no higher,
Then a Dogges yeoman, or some pippin Squier.

EPIG. 34.

What's he that fits [...]nd takes a nappe,
Fac'd like the North wind of a mappe:
And sleeping, to the wind doth nod?
Tis Bacchus coosen, Bellie-god.

EPIG. 35.

Seuerus is extreame in elloquence,
In perfum'd wordes, plung'd ouer head and eares,
He doth create rare phrase, but rarer sence,
Fragments of Latine, all about he beares.
Vnto his Seruingman, alias his Boy,
He vtters speach exceeding quaint and coy.
Deminitiue, and my defectiue slaue,
Reach my corpes couerture immediately:
My pleasures pleasure is, the same to haue,
T'insconce my person from frigiditie.
His man beleeues all's Welch, his Maister spoke,
Till he railes English: Roage go fetch my cloke,

EPIG. 36.

Why should the Mercers trade, a Satten sute,
With Cookes grease be so wickedly polute?
The reason is, the scandall and defame
Grew, that a greasie slouen weares the same.

EPIG. 37.

An honest Vicker and a kind consort,
That to the Alehouse friendly would resort,
To haue a game at Tables now and than,
Or drinke his pot as soone as any man.
As faire a gamster, and as free from braull,
As euer man should need to play withall:
Because his hostesse pldg'd him not carouse,
Rashly in choller did forsweare her house.
Taking the glasse, this was the oath he swore,
Now by this drinke, Ile nere come hither more
But mightely his Hostesse did repent,
For all her guestes to the next Alehouse went,
Following their Vickers steps in euery thing,
He led the parrish euen by a string.
At length his auncient Hostesse did complaine,
She was vndone, vnlesse he came againe,
Desiring certaine friendes of hers and his,
To vse a pollecie, which should be this:
Because with cōming he should not forsweare him,
To saue his oath, they on their backes might beare him
Of this good course the Vicket well did thinke,
And so they allwaies carried him to drinke.


[Page]Your Sceane is done, depart you Epigrammes:
Enter Goat-footed Satyres, butt like Rammes:
Come nimbly foorth, Why stand you on delay?
O-ho, the Musique-tuning makes you stay.
Well, friske it out nimbly: you slaues begin,
For now me thinkes the Fidlers handes are in.


WHo haue we here? Behold him and be mute,
Some mightie man Ile warrant by his sute.
If all the Mercers in Cheapside shew such,
Ile giue them leaue to giue me twice asmuch:
I thinke the stuffe is namelesse he doth weare,
But what so ere it be, it is huge geare.
Marke but his gate, and giue him then his due,
Some swaggring fellow, I may say to you:
It seemes Ambition in his bigge lookes shroudes,
Some Centaure sure, begotten of the Cloudes,
Now a shame take the buzard, is it he:
I know the ruffaine, now his face I see.
On a more gull the Sunne did neuer shine,
How with a vengance comes the soole so fine?
Some Noble mans cast Sute is fallen vnto him,
For buying Hose and Doblet would vndo him.
[Page] But wote you now, whither the buzard walkes?
I, into Paules for sooth, and there he talkes
Of forraine tumults, vttring his aduice,
And prouing Warres euen like a game at dice:
For this (sayes he) as euery gamster knowes,
Where one side winnes, the other side must loose
Next speach he vtters, is his stomackes care,
Which ordinarie yeeldes the cheapest fare:
Or if his pursse be out of tune to pay,
Then he remembers tis a fasting day:
And then he talketh much against excesse,
Swearing all other Nations eate farre lesse
Then Englishmen; experience you may get
In Fraunce and Spaine; where he was neuer yet.
With a score of Figges and halfe a pint of Wine,
Some foure or fine will very hugely dine.
Mee thinkes this tale is very huge in sound,
That halfe a pint should serue fiue to drinke round
And twentie Figges could feed them full and fat:
But trauellers may lye; who knowes not that,
Then why not he, that trauels in conceit,
From East to West, when he can get no meate?
His Iorney is in Paules in the backe Isles,
[Page] Wher's stomacke counts each pace a hūdred miles.
A tedious thing, though chaunce will haue it such,
To trauaile so long baytlesle, sure tis much.
Some other time stumbling on wealthy Chuffes,
Worth gulling: then he swaggers all in huffes,
And tels them of a prize he was at taking
Wil be the ship-boyes childrens childrens making:
And that a Mouse could finde no roome in holde,
It was so pesterd all with pearle and golde:
Vowing to pawne his head if it were tride,
They had more Rubies then wold paue Cheapsid
A thousand other grosle and odious [...]ies,
He dares auouch to blind dull Iudgements eyes,
Not caring what he speake or what he sweare,
So he gaine credite at his hearers care.
Sometimes into the Royall Exchange hee'le droppe
Clad in the ruines of a Brokers shoppe:
And there his tongue runs by as on affaires,
No talke but of commodities and wares:
And what great wealth he lookes for ery wind,
From God knowes where, the place is hard to find.
If newes be harkend for, then he preuailes,
Setting his mynt a worke to coyne false tales.
[Page] His tongues-end is betipt with forged chat,
Vttring rare lyes to be admired at,
Heele tell you of a tree that he doth know,
Vpon the which Rapiers and Daggers grow,
As good as Fleetstreete hath in any shoppe,
which being ripe, downe into scabbards droppe.
He hath a very peece of that same Chaire.
In which Caesar was stabb'd: Is it not rare?
He with his feete vpon the stoones did tread,
That Sathan brought, & bad Christ make thē bread
His wondrous trauels challenge such renowne,
That Sir Iohn Maundiuell is quite put downe.
Men without heades, and Pigmies hand-bredth hie
Those with one legge that on their backes do lie,
And do the weathers iniurie disdaie,
Making their legges a penthouse for the raine:
Are tut, and tush: not any thing at all.
His knowledge knowes, what no mans notice shall
This is a mate vnmeete for euery groome,
And where he comes, peace, giue his lying roome
He saw a Hollander in Middleborow,
As he was flashing of a browne Loafe thorow,
Where-to the haste of hunger had inclyn'd him.
[Page] Cut himselfe through, & two that stood behind him
Besides, he saw a fellow put to death,
Could drinke a whole Beere barrell at a breath.
Oh this is he that will say any thing,
That to himselfe may any profite bring.
Gainst whosoeuer he doth speake he cares not,
For what is it that such a villaine dares not?
And though in conscience he cannot denie,
The All-commaunder saith, Thou shalt not lie,
Yet will he answere (carelesse of soules state)
Trueth telling, is a thing obtaineth hate.


A Man may tell his friend his fault in kindnes:
To winke at folly, is a foolish blindnes.
God saue you sir, saluteth with a grace,
One he could wish neuer to see his face.
But doth not he vse meere dissimulation,
That's inside hate, and outside salutation?
Yes as I take it; yet his answere sayes,
Fashions, and Customes, vse it now a dayes.
A Gentleman perhaps may chaunce to meete
His liuing-griper face to face in streete:
And though his lookes are odious vnto sight;
Yet will he doe him the French congés right,
And in his hart wish him as low as hell,
When in his wordes, hee's glad to see him well:
Then being thus, a man may soone suppose
There is, God saue you sir, sometimes twixt foes.
[Page] Oh sir, why thats as true as you are heere,
With one example I will make it cleere,
And farre to fetch the same I will not goe,
But into Heunds-ditch, to the Brokers row:
Or any place where that trade doth remaine,
Whether at Holborne Conduit, or Long-lane:
If thyther you vouchsafe to turne your eye,
And see the Pawnes that vnder forfayte lye,
Which are foorth comming sir, and safe enough
Sayes good-man Broker, in his new print ruffe:
He will not stand too strictly on a day,
Encouraging the party to delay;
With all good wordes, the kindest may be spoke,
He turnes the Gentleman out of his Cloake.
And yet betweene them both, at euery meeting,
God saue you sir, is their familiar greeting,
This is much kindnesse sure, I pray commend him,
With great good words, he highly doth befrend him
It is a fauour at a pinch in neede:
A pinching friendship, and a pinching deede.
The slaue may weare his suites of Sattin so,
And like a man of reputation go,
When all he hath in house, or on his backe,
[Page] It is his owne, by forfaytures shipwracke.
See you the Brooch that long ins Hat hath bin?
It may be there, it cost him not a pin:
His sundry sorts of diuers mens attyre,
He weares them cheape, euen at his owne desire.
Shame ouer take the pessant for his paine,
That he should pray on losses, to his gaine,
In drawing Wardrobes vnder his subiection,
Being a knaue in manners and complexion,
Iumpe like to Vsurie, his nearest kinne;
That weares a money bagge vnder his chinne:
A bunch that doth resemble such a shape,
And hayred like to Paris garden Ape,
Foaming about the chaps like some wilde Boore,
As swart and tawnie as an India Moore:
With narrow brow, and Squirrell eyes, he showes,
His faces chiefest ornament, is nose,
Full furnished with many a Clarret staine,
As large as any Codpice of a Dane,
Embossed curious; euery eye doth iudge,
His lacket faced with motheaten Budge:
To which a paire of Satten sleeues he weares,
Wherein two pound of greace about he beares.
[Page] His Spectacles do in a copper case,
Hang dangling about his pissing place.
His breeches and his hose, and all the rest
Are sutable: His gowne (I meane his best)
Is full of threeds, Intitul'd right threed-bare:
But wooll there on is wondrous scant and rare.
The welting hath him in no charges stood,
Beeing the ruines of a cast French hood.
Excesse is sinfull, and he doth defie it,
A sparing whorson in attire and diet.
Only excesse is lawfull in his Chest,
For there he makes a golden Angels nest:
And vowes no farder to be found a lender,
Then that most pretious mettall doth engender:
Begetting dayly more and more encrease,
His monyes slaue, till wretched life surcease.
This is the Iew alied very neere,
vnto the Broker, for they both do beare
Vndoubted testimonie of their kinne:
A brace of Rascals in a league of sinne.
Two filthy Curres that will on no man fawne,
Before they tast the sweetnesse of his pawne.
And then the slaues will be as kinde forsooth,
[Page] Not as Kind-hart, in drawing out a tooth:
For he doth ease the Patient of his paine,
But they disease the Borrower of his gaine.
Yet neither of them vse extremitie,
They can be villaines euen of charitie.
To lend our brother it is meete and fit:
Giue him rost meate and beat him with the spit.
Vserie sure is requisite and good,
And so is Brokeage, rightly vnderstood:
But soft a litle, what is he sayes so?
One of the twaine (vpon my life) I know.


OH, let the Gentlewoman haue the wall,
I know her well; tis Mistris, What d'ye call.
It should be shee, both by her Maske and Fanne:
And yet it should not, by her Seruing-man;
For if mine eyes do not mistake the foole,
He is the Vsher of some dauncing Schole,
The reason why I do him such suppose,
Is this, Mee thinkes he daunceth as he goes.
An actiue fellow, though he be but poore,
Eyther to vault vpon a Horse, or &c.
See you the huge bum Dagger at his backe,
To which no Hilt nor Iron he doth lacke.
Oh with that blade he keepes the queanes in awe,
Brauely behacked, like a two-hand Saw.
Stampes on the ground, & byteth both his thumbs
Vnlesse he be commaunder where he coms.
[Page] You damned whores, where are you? quicke come heere,
Dry this Tabacco. Fill a dosen of Beere:
Will you be briefe? or long you to be bang'd?
Hold, take this Match, go light it and be hang'd.
Where stay these whores when Gent. do call?
Heer's no attendaunce (by the Lord) at all.
Then downe the staires the pots in rage he throws
And in a damned vaine of swearing growes,
For he will challenge any vnder heau'n,
To sweare with him, and giue him sixe at seuen.
Oh, he is an accomplish'd Gentleman,
And many rare conceited knackes he can;
Which yeeld to him a greater store of gaine,
Then iuggling Kings, hey Passe, ledgerdemaine.
His witt's his lyuing: one of quaint deuice,
For Bowling-allies, Cockpits, Cardes, or Dice,
To those exploytes he euer standes prepar'd:
A Villaine excellent at a Bum card.
The Knaue of Clubbes he any time can burne,
And finde him in his boosome, for his turne.
Tut, he hath Cardes for any kind of game,
Primero, Saunt, or whatsoeuer name:
Make him but dealer, all his fellowes sweares,
[Page] If you do finde good dealing, take his eares.
But come to Dice, why that's his onely trade,
Michell Mum-chaunce, his owne inuention made.
He hath a stocke, whereon his lyuing stayes,
And they are Fullams, and Bard quarter-trayes:
His Langrets, with his Hie men, and his low,
Are ready what his pleasure is to throw:
His stopt Dice with Quick-siluer neuer misse.
He calles for, Come on fiue; and there it is:
Or else heele haue it with fiue and a reach,
Although it cost his necke the Halter stretch.
Besides all this same kind of cheating art,
The Gentleman hath some good other part,
Well seene in Magicke and Astrologie,
Flinging a Figure wondrous handsomly,
Which if it do not misse, it sure doth hit:
Of troth the man hath great store of small witt.
And note him wheresoeuer that he goes,
His Booke of Characters is in his hose.
His dinner he will not presume to take,
Ere he aske counsell of an Almanacke.
Heele finde if one prooue false vnto his wife,
Onely with Oxe blood, and a rustic knife.
[Page] He can transforme himselfe vnto an Asse,
Shew you the Deuill in a Christall glasse:
The Deuill say you? why I, is that such wonder?
Being consortes, they will not be a sunder.
Alcumie in his braines so sure doth settle,
He can make golde of any copper kettle;
Within a three weekes space or such a thing,
Riches vpon the whole worlde he could bring.
But in his owne purse one shall hardly spie it,
Witnesse his Hostesse, for a twelue-moneths diet:
Who would be glad of golde or siluer either,
But sweares by chalke, & post, she can get neither.
More, he will teach any to gaine their loue,
[...]s thus (saies he) take me a Turtle Doue,
And in an Ouen let her lie and bake
[...]o dry, that you may poulder of her make;
Which being put into a cup of wine,
The wenche that drinkes it will to loue incline:
[...]nd shall not sleepe in quiet in her bed,
Till she be eased of her mayden-head.
This is probatum, and it hath bin tride,
Or else the cunning man cunningly lide.
[...] may be so, a lie is not so strange,
[Page] Perhaps he spake it when the Moone did change
And thereupon (no doubt) th'occasion sprunge,
Vnconstant Luna, ouer rul'd his tongue.
Astronomers that traffique with the Skie,
By common censure sometimes meete the lie:
Although in deede their blame is not so much,
When Starres & Plannets faile, & keepe not tutch.
And so this fellow with his large profession,
That endes his triall in a farre digression:
Philosophers be queathed him their stone,
To make gold with, yet can his purse hold none.


Melflunious, sweete Rose-watred elloquence,
Thou that hast hunted Barbarisme hence,
And taught the goodman Cobbin at his plow,
To be as elloquent as Tullie now:
Who nominic ates his Bread and Cheese a name,
(That doth vntrusle the nature of the same)
His stomacke stayer. How dee like the phrase?
Are Plowmen simple fellowes now a dayes?
Not so my Maisters: What meanes Singer then?
And Pope the Clowne, to speake so Boorish, when
They counterfaite the clownes vpon the Stage?
Since Countrey fellowes grow in this same age,
To be so quaint in their new printed speech,
That cloth will now compare with Veluet breech
Let him discourse euen where, and when he dare,
Talke nere so Ynk-horne learnedly and rare,
Sweare Cloth breech is a pessant (by the Lord)
[Page] Threaten to draw his wrath-venger, his sworde:
Tush, Cloth-breech doth deride him with a laugh,
And lets him see Bone-baster, thats his staffe:
Then tels him brother, friend, or so foorth, heare ye
Tis not your knitting-needle makes me feare ye.
If to ascention you are so declinde,
I haue a restitution in my minde:
For though your beard do stand so fine mustated,
Perhaps your nose may be transfistic ated.
Man, I dare challenge thee to throw the sledge,
To iumpe or leape ouer a ditch or hedge,
To wrastle, play a stooleball, or to runne,
To pitch the barre, or to shoote off a gunne,
To play at loggets, nine holes, or ten pinnes,
To trie it out at foot-ball by the shinnes;
At Ticktacke, Irish, Noddie, Maw, and Ruffe:
At hot-cockles, leape-frogge, or blindman-buffe.
To drinke halfe pots, or deale at the whole canne:
To play at base, or pen-and Ynk-horne sir Ihan:
To daunce the Morris, play at barly-breake:
At all exploytes a man can thinke or speake:
At shoue-groate, venter-poynt, or crosse and pile.
Atbeshrow him that's last at yonder stile,
[Page] At leaping ore a Midsommer bon-fier,
Or at the drawing Dun out of the myer:
At any of these, or all these presently,
Wagge but your finger, I am for you, I.
I scorne (that am a youngster of our towne)
To let a Bow-bell Cockney put me downe.
This is a Gallant farre beyond a Gull,
For very valour filles his pockets full.
Wit showers vpon him Wisedomes raine in plent
For heele be hangd, if any man finde twenty
In all their parish, whatsoere they be,
Can shew a head so polleticke as he.
It was his fathers lucke of late to die
Untestate; he about the Legacie
To London came, inquiring all about,
How he might finde a Ciuill-villin out,
Being vnto a Ciuill Lawyer sent,
Pray Sir (quoth he) are you the man I meant:
That haue a certaine kind of occupation,
About dead men, that leaue things out of fashion
Death [...]ath done that which t'answere he's not ab
My father he is dyed detestable:
I being his eldest heire, he did prefer
[Page] Me Sir, to be his Executioner:
And verie breifly my request to finnish,
Pray how may I by law, his goods diminnish?
Was this a Clowne? tell true, or was a none?
You make fatte Clownes, if such as he be one:
A man may sweare, if he were vrg'd to it.
Foolisher fellowes, haue not so much wit.
Oh such as he, are euen the onely men,
Loue letters in a Milke-maydes praise to pen:
Lines that will worke the curstest sullen shrow,
To loue a man whether she will or no.
Being most wonderous patheticall,
To make Cisse out a cry in loue withall:
He scornes that maister Scholemaister shold think
He wants his aide in halfe a pen of ynke:
All that he doth it commeth euery whit,
From natures dry-fat, his owne mother wit.

As thus:

Thou Honnysuckle of the Hawthorne hedge,
Vouchsafe in Cupids cuppe my hart to pledge,
My hartes deare blood sweete Cis, is thy carouse,
Worth all the Ale in Gammer Gubbins house:
I say no more, affaires call me away,
[Page] My Fathers horse for prouender doth stay,
Be thou the Lady Cressit-light to mee,
Sir Trollelolle I will proue to thee.
Written in haste: farewell my Cowslippe sweete,
Pray lets a Sunday at the Ale-house meete.


TIs a bad world, the common speach doth go,
And he complaines, that helpes to make it so:
Yet euery man th'imputed crime would shunne,
Hipocrisie with a fine threed is spunne.
Each striues to shew the very best in seeming,
Honest enough, if honest in esteeming.
Praise waites vpon him now with much renowne
That wrappes vp Uices vnder Uertues gowne:
Commending with good wordes, religious deede
To helpe the poore, supply our neighbours neede
Do no man wrong, giue euery man his owne,
Be friend to all, and enemie to none;
Haue charitie, auoyde contentious strife,
Oft he speakes thus, that nere did good in's life.
Derision hath an ore in euery Boate,
In's Neighbours eie he quickly spies a moate,
[Page] But the great beame that's noted in his owne,
He lets remaine, and neuer thinkes thereon.
Some do report he beares about a sacke,
Halfe hanging forwards, halfe behind at's backet
And his owne faultes (quight out of sight & minde)
He castes into the part that hanges behinde:
But other mens, he putteth in before,
And into them, he looketh euermore.
Contempt comes very neere to th' others vaine,
He hates all good deserts with proud disdaine:
Rashnesse is his continuall walking mate,
Costly apparreld, loftie in his gate:
Vp to the eares in double ruffes and startch,
God blesse your eiesight when you see him march:
[...]atutes, and lawes, he dare presume to breake,
Against superiors cares not what he speake.
[...] his humours recreation fittes,
To beare Counstables, and resist all writtes,
[...]wearing the ripest wits are childish young;
[...] lesse they gaine instructions from his tongue.
[...] hers nothing done amongst the very best,
[...]ut he'le [...]eri [...]e it with some bitter iest.
[...]'s meate and drinke vnto him alwayes, when▪
[Page] He may be censuring of other men.
If a man do but toward a Tauerne looke,
He is a drunkard heele sweare on a Booke:
Or if one part a fray of good intention,
He is a quarreller, and loues dissention.
Those that with silence vaine discourses breake,
Are proud fantasticks, that disdaine to speake.
Such as speake soberly with wisedomes leasure,
Are fooles, that in affected speach take pleasure,
If he heare any that reproueth vice,
He sayes, thers none but hipocrites so nice.
No honest woman that can passe along,
But must endure some scandall from his tongue.
She, deales crosse blowes her husband neuer feeles:
This Gentle woman, weareth capering heeles.
There minces Mall, to see what youth wil like her,
Her eyes do beare her witnesse she's a striker.
Yonders a wench, new dipt in beauties blaze,
She, is a Maide as Maides go now adayes.
And thus Contempt makes choisest recreation,
In holding euery one in detestation:
His common gate is of the ietting size,
He hath a paire of euer-staring eyes.
[Page] And lookes a man so hungry in the face,
As he would eate him vp, and neare say grace.
A little low cround Hatte he alwayes weares,
And Fore-horse-like therein a Feather beares.
Goodly curld lockes; but surely tis great pitty,
For want of kembing, they are beastly nitty.
Hi [...] [...] is a cut cast Satten one,
He scornes to buy new now, that nere bought none
Spotted in diuers places with pure fat,
Knowne for a right tall trencher man by that.
His Breeches that came to him by befrending,
Are desperate like himselfe, & quite past mending
He takes a common course to goe vntrust,
Except his Shirt's a washing; then he must
Goe woollward for the time: hee scornes it hee,
That worth two Shirts his Laundresse should him see
The weapons that his humors do efford,
Is Bum-dagger, and basket hilted Sword.
And these in euery Bawdie house are drawne
Twice in a day, vnlesse they be at pawne.
If any fall together by the eares,
To field cries he; why? zownes (to field) he sweares
Shew your selues men: hey, slash it out with blowes
[Page] Let won make tothers guts garter his hose,
Make Steele and Iron vmpiers to the Fray,
You shall haue me goe with, to see faire play:
Let mee alone, for I will haue a care
To see that one do kill the tother faire.
This is Contempt, that's euery ones disdayner
The strife pursuer, and the peace refrayner
Hates thunderbolt, damn'd Murders larum-bell,
A neare deare Kinsman to the Diuell of hell:
And he whom Sathan to this humor bringes,
Istn only man for all detested thinges.


TOm's no good fellow, nor no honest man:
Hang him, he wold not pledge Ralfe halfe a can
But if a friend may speake as he doth thinke,
Will is a right good fellow by this drinke:
Oh William, William, th'art as kind a youth,
As euer I was drunke with, thats the trueth.
Tom is no more like thee, then Chalks like Cheese.
To pledge a health, or to drinke vp-se freese:
Fill him his Beaker, he will neuer flinch,
To giue a full quart pot the emptie pinch.
Heele looke vnto your water well enough.
And hath an eye that no man leaues a snuffe.
A pox of peecemeale drinking (William sayes)
Play it away, weele haue no stoppes and stayes,
Blowne drinke is odious, what man can disiest it,
No faythfull drunkard, but he doth detest it.
[Page] I hate halfe this, out with it, and an end,
He is a buzard will not pledge his friend,
But standes as though his drinkes mast-sacke were closed
with, Heer's t'ye Sir, against you are disposed?
How say my friend, an may I be so bold,
Blowing on's Beere like broth to make it cold,
Keeping the full glasse till it stand and sower,
Drinking but after halfe a mile an hower,
Vnworthy to make one, or gaine a place,
Where boone companions gage the pots apace.
A mans a ma [...] ▪ and therewithall an ende,
Goodfellowship was bred and borne to spende,
No man ere saw a pound of sorrow yet,
Could be allowd to pay an ounce of debt.
We may be here to day, and gone to morrow.
Call mee for sixe pots more come on, hang sorrow
Tut, lacke another day? Why, tis all one,
When we are dead, then all the world is gone.
Begin to me good Ned: What? hast gon right?
Is it the same that tickeld mee last night?
We gaue the Brewers Diet-drinke a wipe:
Braue Malt-Tabacco in a quart pot-pipe,
It nettld mee, and did my braines inspire,
[Page] I haue forsworne your drinking smoake and fier:
Out vpon Cane and leafe Tabacco smell:
Diuells take home your drinke keepe it in hell.
Carow [...]e in Cannons Trinidado smoake,
Drinke healths to one another till you choake,
And let the Indians pledge you till they sweate,
Giue me the element that drowneth heate:
Strong sodden Water is a vertuous thing,
It makes one sweare, and swagger like a King,
And hath more hidden Uertue then you thinke,
For Ile maintaine, good liquor's meate and drinke:
Nay, Ile goe further with you, for in troth,
It is as good as meate, and drinke, and cloth;
For he that is in Malt-mans Hall inrolde,
Cares not a poynt for hunger nor for colde.
If it be cold, he drinketh till he sweate,
If it be hot, he drinkes to lay the heate:
So that how ere it be cold or hot,
To pretious vse he doth apply the pot:
And will approue it Phisically sound,
If it be drunke vpon the Danish round:
Or taken with a Pickle-herring or two,
As Flemmings at Saint Katherines vse to do:
[Page] Which fish hath vertue, eaten salt and raw,
To pull drinke to it, euen as Ieate doth straw.
Oh tis a very Whetstone to the braine,
A march-beere shewer that puts downe April raine
It makes a man actiue to leape and spring,
To daunce and vault, to carrowle and to sing:
For all exploytes it doth a man inable,
T'out leape mens heades, and caper ore the table,
To burne Sacke with a candle till he reeles,
And then to trip-vp his companions heeles.
To sing like the great Organ pipe in Poules,
And censure all men vnder his controules.
Against all commers ready to maintaine,
That deepest wit is in a drunken braine.
I marry is it; that it is he knowes it,
And by this drinke, at all times will depose it,
He sayes, that day is to a minute shrunke,
In which he makes not some good fellow drunke:
As for nine worthies on his Hostes wall,
He knowes three worthy drunkards passe them all
The first of them in many a Tauerne tride,
At last subdued by Aquauitae, dide.
His second Worthies date was brought to fine,
[Page] Feasting with Oysters and braue Rennish wine,
The third, whom diuers Dutchmen held full deare,
Was stabb'd by pickeld Hearings & strong Beere.
Well, happy is the man doth rightly know,
The vertue of three cuppes of Charnico:
Being taken fasting, th'only cure for Flegme,
It worketh wonders on the braine, extreame.
A pottle of wine at morning, or at night,
Drunke with an Apple, is imployed right,
To rince the Liuet, and to purifie
A dead sicke Hart from all infirmitie.

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