DOCTOR Merrie-man: OR, Nothing but Mirth.

Written by S. R.

AT LONDON, Printed for Iohn Deane, and are to sold at his Shoppe at Temple­barre vnder the gate. 1609.

Doctor Merry-man, or, Nothing but Mirth.

A Citizen for recreation sake,
To see the Country would a iourney take,
Some dozen Mile, or very little more;
Taking his leaue with friends, two months before
With drinking health's, and shaking by the hand,
As he had trauail'd to some new-found land.
Well, taking Horse with very much adoe,
London he leaueth for a day or two;
And as he rideth, meetes vpon the way
Such, as (what haste soeuer) bid men stay:
Sirrah sayes one, stand, and your Purse deliuer;
I am a taker, thou must be a giuer.
Vnto a Wood hard by, they hale him in,
And riffle him vnto his very skin.
Maisters (quoth he) pray heare mee ere you go,
For you haue rob'd more now then you do know:
My Horse in troth I borrow'd of my Brother,
The Bridle and the Saddle of another:
The Ierkin and the Bases be a Taylours,
The Scarfe (I do assure you) is a Saylours:
The falling Band is likewise none of mine,
Nor Cuffes as true as this good light doth shine:
The Sattin Doublet and Rays'd-veluet Hose
Are our Church-wardens (all the Parish knowes)
The Bootes are Iohn the Grocers at the Swan,
The Spurres were lent me by a Seruing-man:
One of my Rings (that with the great red stone)
A Mony-monger choyce of Suerties had,
A Country-fellow, plaine in Russet clad;
His Doublet Mutton-taffaty, Sheeps skins,
His Sleeues at hand button'd with two good pins,
Vpon his head a filthy greazie Hat
That had a hole (eate thorow by some Rat)
A Leather Pouch, that with a Snap-haunce shut,
Two hundred Hob-nayles in his Shooes were put:
The Stockings that his clownish Legges did fit,
Were Kersie to the calfe, and t'other knit:
And at a word, th'apparell that he wore,
Was not worth Twelue-pence, sold at, Who giues more?
The other Suertie, of an other stuffe,
All Silke and Veluet, in his double Ruffe,
Made Lawne and Cambricke, both such common ware;
His duble set, had Falling-band to spare.,
His fashion new, with last edition stood,
His Rapier hilts embrew'd in Golden blood:
And these same trappings made him seeme one sound,
To passe his credit for a Hundred pound:
So was accepted, Russet-coate denay'd:
But when time came the Money should be pay'd,
And Mounsieur Vsurer did haunt him out,
Strange alteration strooke his heart in doubt:
For in the Counter he was gone to dwell,
And Brokers had his painted Cloaths to sell:
The Vsurer then further vnderstands,
The Clowne refus'd, was rich▪ and had good lands;
Ready through rage to hange himselfe, he swore,
That Silken knaues should cozen him no more.
A Wealthy Misers Sonne, vpon the way,
Met a poore Youth, that did intreat and pray
Some-thing of Charitie in his distresse;
Helpe sir (quoth hee) one that is Fatherlesse.
Sirrah (sayd hee) away: be gone with speed;
Ile helpe none such; thou art a Knaue in deed.
Dost thou complaine, because thou want'st a Father?
Were it my case, I would reioyce the rather:
For if thy Fathers death, cause thee repine,
I would my Father had excused thine.
A Country fellow had a Dreame,
Which did his minde amaze,
That starting vp, he wakes his wife,
And thus to her he sayes.
Oh Woman rise, and helpe our Goose,
For euen the best we haue,
Is presently at poynt to die,
Vnlesse her life you saue;
On either side of her I see
A hungry Foxe doth sit,
But staying, vpon curtesie
Who shall begin first bit.
Husband (quoth she) if this be all,
I can your Dreame expound,
The perfect meaning of the same
I instantly haue found.
The Goose betweene two Foxes plac't,
Which in your sleepe you saw,
Is you your selfe that prooue a Goose,
[Page] In going still to law.
On eyther side a Lawyer comes,
And they doe feathers pull,
That in the end, you will be left
A bare and naked Gull.
Wife, in good troth (quoth he) I thinke,
Thou art iust in the right,
My Purse can witnesse to my griefe,
They doe begin to bite:
I doe resolue an other course,
And much commend thy wit;
Ile leaue the Gooses part for them
That haue a minde to it:
And if thou euer finde that I
To lawing humors fall,
Let mee be hang'd at Westminster,
(Wife) Ile for-sweare the Hall.
AN idle fellow that would take no paine,
Looking that others should his state maintaine,
Was sharpe reproou'd by an honest friend,
Who told him, Man was made to other end
Then onely eate, and drinke, and sleepe, and play.
To whom the lazie creature thus did say;
(Sir) I doe nere intende to labour much,
Because I see the bad reward of such
As take most paynes: Horses that labour great,
Are cast in ditches for the Dogges to eate.
A Craftie kind of knauish foole,
Where of there plentie bee,
Did breake his Mistris looking-Glasse.
And swore it was not hee:
His Maister did examine him,
Demaunding who it was,
(Sir) if youle be content (quoth he)
Ile tell who broke the Glasse.
With that, he brought him in the Hall,
To Fortunes Picture there,
Saying, Sir, t'was Fortune did the de [...]d,
She ought the blame to beare.
His Maister tooke a Cudgell,
And belabour'd him withall,
Who crying out for mercie, downe
Before his feete did fall.
Nay (quoth his Maister) tis not I,
To Fourtune you must speake,
For euen she that cudgels you,
The Glasse before did breake.
A Sort of Clownes for losse which they sustain'd
By Souldiers, to the Captaine sore complain'd,
With dolefull words, and very wofull faces,
They mou'd him to compassionate their cases.
Good Sir (sayes one) I pray redresse our wrong,
They that haue done it, vnto you belong:
Of all that ere we had, we are bereft,
Except our very Shirts, nothing is left.
The Captaine answer'd thus; Fellowes heare mee:
My Souldiers rob'd you not, I plainely see:
At your first speach you made me somwhat sad,
But your last words resolude the doubt I had:
[Page] The greatest Monarch that on earth we finde,
Puts off to mee: Mower you come behinde.
Th'other reply'd, Barber in vaine you iarre,
I haue a priuiledge exceeds you farre;
For when by mee, the Grasse with Sieth is shorne,
Or that my Sickle cutteth downe the Corne,
Vpon the stumps I boldly can vntrusse:
What Barber on his worke, that dare doe thus?
AN humorous phantastick Asse,
Whose Wit and Wealth were spent,
Did in all companies he came
Boast of his great discent.
And all the Gentlemen he knew,
Vnto his blood were base:
For he could prooue from Noes great Flood,
His stocke of royall rase.
Pray Sir (quoth one) take no more paynes
In this same worthy thing,
For it is most apparant plaine,
From what old House you spring.
You may iust prooue your Pedigree
From Noah to this hower:
Your Ancestors good Masons were,
That wrought on Babell Tower.
And were I as your Worship is,
In spight of Bricklayers hall,
I would giue Trowell in mine Armes,
A Ladder, Tray, and all.
GEntlemen that approch about my stall,
To most rare Phisicke I inuite you all;
Come neere and harken what I haue to sell,
[Page] And deale with me all those that are not well.
In this Boxe heere, I haue such precious stuffe,
To giue it prayse, I haue not words enough:
If any Humour in your Braines be crept,
Ile fetch it out, as if your Heads were swept.
Almost through Europe I haue showne my face,
In euery Towne and euery Market place;
Behold this Salue; I doe not vse to lye,
Whole Hospitals, there haue bin curde thereby.
I doe not stand heere, like a tatter'd slaue,
My Veluet and my Chaine of Gold I haue:
Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes:
Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes.
There standes my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne;
From hence to Turkie is my credit knowne:
In few I cannot boast as many will;
Let nothing speake for me but onely skill.
See you that thing, like Ginger-bread lies there?
My tongue cannot expresse to any eare
The sundry vertues that it doth containe,
Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine.
If in your bellies there be Crawlers bred
In multitudes, like Haires vpon your head:
Within some houre space, or thereabout,
At all the holes you haue, Ile fetch them out,
And ferret them before that I haue done,
Euen like the Hare that foorth a bush doth run.
Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye,
This for the Stomacke: Maisters will you buy?
When I am gone, you will repent too late,
And then, like fooles, among your selues will prate,
Oh that we had that famous Man againe,
When I shall be suppli'd in France or Spaine:
[Page] Now for a Stoter, you a Box may haue,
That will the liues of halfe a dozen saue.
My Man is come, and in mine eare he sayes,
At home for me, atleast are hundred stayes;
All Gentlemen, wet for your good you see,
I make them tarry and attend formee:
Yf that you haue no Money, let me know,
Phisicke of almes, vpon you lie bestow.
What Doctor in the world can offer more?
Such arrant Clownes I neuer knew before?
Here you do stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
But not a penny from you I can see.
A man shall come to do such dunces good,
And can not hare his meaning vnderstood,
To talke to sencelesse people is in vaine,
Ile see you hangd ere I come heere againe:
Be all Diseas'd as bad as Horses be,
And die in Ditches like to Dogges forme:
An old Wiues Medicine, Parsely, Time, and Sage,
Will serue such Buzzards in this scuruy age:
Goose-greafe and Fenell, with a few Dog-dates,
Is excellent for such base lowzy mates:
Farewell, some Hempton Haulter be the charme,
To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme.
ONe came to court a Wench which was precise,
And by the spirit did the flesh dispise,
Moouing a secret match betweene them two;
But she in sooth and sadnesse would not doe.
He did reply, so sweete a faire as shee,
Made of the stuffe as all fraile women bee;
Ought by the law of Nature to be kinde,
And shew her selfe to heare a womans minde.
[Page] Well Sir (quoth she) you men do much preuail [...]
With cunning speeches and a pleasing tale;
Tis but a folly to be ouer nice,
You shall: but twentie shillings is my price:
Abrace of Angels if you will bestow,
Come such a time, and I am for you, so.
Well, he tooke leaue, and with Her husband met,
Told him by bond be was to pay a debt:
Intreating him to do so good a deed,
As lend him twentie shillings at his need▪.
Which very kind he present did extend,
And th'other willing on his Wife did spend:
So taking leaue with her, he goes his wayes▪
Meeting his Creditor within few dayes,
And told him, Sir, I was at home to pay
The twentie shillinges which you lent last day:
And with your wife (because you were not their)
I left it pray you with my holdnesse beare.
Tis well (quoth he) I am glad I did you pleasure,
So comming home, questions his Wife a Measure:
I pray sweete heart, was such a man with thee▪
To pay two Angels, which he had of mee▪
She blush't, and sayd; hee hath been [...]ed in deed,
But you did ill to▪ lend; Husband take heed:
The falshood of the world you doe not spie,
It is not good to trust before we try:
Pray lend no more, for it may breed much strife,
To haue such Knaues come home to pay your Wife.
A Crew of Foxes, all on theeuing set,
Togeather at a Countrie Hen-roost met,
Where the poore Poultrie went to greeuous wrack;
[Page] For there they feasted till their guts did crack,
Hauing well sup't, ready to goe away,
Without demaunding what they had to pay;
Sayes one vnto the rest: Friens harke vnto mee,
Lets poynt where our next meeting place shall bee.
With a good-will sayes one aboue the rest,
At such a Farmers house, his Lambs be best.
Nay (quoth another) I doe know a Clowne,
Hath euen the fattest Geese in all the Towne:
Well Maisters, sayd a graue and auncient Fox,
Had bin the death of many Hens and Cox,
The surest place to meete, that I can tell,
Will be the Skinners shop: and so farewell.
A Shepheard that a carefull eye did keepe,
Vnto the safetie of his grazing Sheepe;
Perceiu'd a Wolfe through the hedge to prie:
Sirrah (quoth he) pray, what make you so nie?
Why (sayd the Wolfe) thou seest I doe no ill,
Thy Flocks are farre enough vpon the hill.
What Iustice now a dayes these people lacks?
The Crowes ride boldly on thy Cattels backs,
And not a word thou sayst to them at all;
Yet but for looking on, with me dost braule.
The Prouerb's true, for now I finde it well,
Which once I heard an auncient old Wolfe tell:
He that vpon a bad ill name doth light,
Is euen halfe hang'd, as good be hang'd out-right;
And I my selfe by proofe can now alledge,
Some better steale, then some looke ore the hedge.
THe Diuell did complaine he was not well,
And would goe take some Phisicke out of Hell:
To England, France, and Spaine, with speed he got,
Where all refusde him, he did burne so hot.
In haste he then to Germanie did hie,
The cunning of a Quack-salu [...]r to trie;
Where in a market place, vpon a Stage,
He found a fellow could all griefes asswage.
Doctor (quoth he) I want some of thy skill,
For I do finde I am exceeding ill:
And any thing for ease I will endure;
What, wilt thou vndertake my paine to cure?
If thou canst ease the maladie I haue,
Thou shalt haue Gold, euen what thy selfe wilt craue.
Gentleman (sayd this Doctor to the Diuell)
Vpon my life, Ile rid you of your euill;
Make vnto me those griefes you haue but knowne,
And with the curing them, let mee alone.
Why Sir (uoth he) my Head with Hornes doth ake,
My Braines doth Brimstone-like Tobacco take;
My Eyes are full of euer-burning Fire,
My Tongue a drop of Water doth desire;
About my Heart doth crawling Serpents cre [...]pe,
And I can neither eate, nor drinke, nor sleepe:
There's no Diseases whatsoere they bee,
But I haue all of them imposde on mee.
All torments that the tongue of man can name,
Within, without, in a continuall flame.
Quoth the Quack-saluer, Sir, Ile vndertake
A sound man of you in a month to make:
Wilt please your Worship, shew me where you dwell?
Marry (quoth he) my Chamber is in Hell:
Thy charges in the iourney I will beare,
[Page] And Ile preferre thee to the Diuell there.
With speed get vp, Ile take thee on my backe.
The World may spare you, and in Hell we lacke.
A Bishop met two Priests vpon the way,
And did salute them with the time of day:
Good-morrow Clarks, vnto you both (quoth he.)
Sir (they repli'd) no Clarkes, but Priestes are we.
Why (sayd the Bishop) then I will consent
Vnto the title of your owne content:
Since you denie to carry Schollers markes,
Good-morrow to you Priestes (that are no Clarkes:)
ONe climbing of a Tree, by hap
Fell downe and brake his Arme,
And did complaine vnto a friend
Of his vnluckie harme.
Would I had counsel'd you before
(Quoth he) to whom he spake;
I know a tricke for Climbers,
That they neuer hurt shall take.
Neighbour (sayd he) I haue a Sonne,
And he doth vse to climbe,
Pray let me know that same for him,
Against another time.
Why thus (quoth he) let any man
That liues, climbe nere so hie:
And make no more haste downe, then vp,
No harme can come thereby.
AN aged Gentleman, sore sicke did lie,
Expecting life, that could not chuse but die:
His Foole came to him, and in trateth this?
[Page] Good Maister ere you goe away from vs,
Bestow on Iacke (that oft hath made you laugh)
Against he waxeth old, your walking-Staffe.
I will (quoth he) goe take it, there it is;
But on condition Iacke, which shall be this:
If thou doe meete with any while thou liue,
More Foole then thou, the Staffe thou shalt him giue.
Maister (sayd he) vpon my life I will,
But I do hope that I shall keepe it still.
When Death drew neare, and faintnesse did proceed,
His Maister cals for a Diuine with speed,
For to prepare him vnto Heauens way.
The Foole starts vp, and hastily did say:
Oh Maister, Maister, take your Staffe againe,
That prooue your selfe the most Foole of vs twaine:
Haue you liu'd now, some fourescore yeares and odde,
And all this time, are vnprepat'd for God▪
What greater Foole can any meete withall,
Then one that's ready in the Graue to fall,
And is to seeke about his soules estate,
When Death is op'ning of the prison-gate?
Beare witnesse friends, that I discharge me plaine▪
Heere Maister, heere, receiue your Staffe againe:
Vpon the same condition I did take it,
According as you wil'd me, I forsake it.
And ouer and aboue, I will bestow,
This Epitaph, which shall your folly show.
Heere lies a man, at death did heauen claime.
But in his life, he neuer sought the same.
A Simple Clowne in Flaunders,
As he trauailing had bin,
(Hauing his Wife in company)
[Page] I haue my Seruing-men that waite
Vpon mee in blew Coates:
I haue my Oares that attend
My pleasure, with their Boates:
I haue my Champions that will fight,
My Louers that do fawne:
I haue my Hat, my Hood, my Maske,
My Fanne, my Cobweb Lawne:
To giue my Gloue vnto a Gull,
Is mighty fauour found:
When for the wearing of the same,
It costs him twentie pound.
My Garter as a gracious thing,
Another takes away:
And for the same a silken Gowne,
The Prodigall doth pay.
Then comes an Asse, and he forsooth
Is in such longing heate,
My Busk-poynt euen on his knees,
With teares he doth intreat:
I graunt it, to reioyce the man,
And then request a thing;
Which is both Gold and precious stone,
The Wood-cocks Diamond Ring.
Another lowly minded youth,
Forsooth my Shooe-string craues,
And that he putteth through his eare,
Calling the rest, bace slaues.
Thus fit I Fooles in humours still,
That come to me for game,
I punish them for Venerte,
Leauing their Purses lame.
In New-gate some take lodging vp.
[Page] Till they to Tiburne ride:
And others walke to Wood-street,
With a Sargeant by their side.
Some goe to Houns-ditch with their Cloaths
To pawne for mony lending:
And some I sende to Surgeons shops,
Because they lacke somemending.
Others passe ragged vp and downe,
All tatter'd, rent, and torne;
But being in that scuruy case,
Their companies I scorne.
For if they come and fawne on mee;
There's nothing to be got;
As soone as ere my Merchants breake,
I sweare, I know them not.
No entertainment, nor a looke,
That they shall get of mee:
If once I doe begin perceiue
That out of cash they bee,
All kindnesses that I professe,
The fayrest shewes I make,
Is loue to all that come to mee
For Gold and Siluers sake.
To forward men, I forward am;
Most franke vnto the free:
But such as take their wares on trust,
Are not to deale with mee.
The World is hard, all things are deare,
Good-fellowship decayes:
And euery one seekes profit now,
In these same hungry dayes.
Although my trade in secret bee,
Vnlawfull to be knowne;
[Page] Yet I will make the best I can,
Of that which is mine owne.
For seeing I doe venture faire,
At price of whipping cheere,
I haue no reason but to make
My Customers pay deere:
Our charge beside, is very great
To keepe vs fine and braue,
A Whore that goes not gallantly,
Shall little doinges haue.
Therefore all things consider'd well,
Our charges, and our danger:
A dayly Friend shall pay as much
As any Terme-time stranger.
A Rich man and a poore did both appeare
Before a Iudge, an iniurie to cleare:
The Rich did tell a tale most tedious long,
Mending (as he suppos'd) with words, the wrong:
And euer when the Poore man would haue spoke,
With bold out-facing speech he did him choke▪
The wofull wight at length could beare no longer,
But boldly rais'd his voyce both loud and stronger:
My Lord (quoth he) pray now bid Diues stay,
And heare but what poore Lazarus can say:
My Oxe came in his field, which he doth keepe,
And sweares for that, hee'le pay me with a Sheepe.

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