The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie briefly pursuing the base conditions, and most notorious offences of the vile, vaine, and wicked age, no lesse smarting then tickling : a merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry / by Barnaby Rich ...

The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie briefly pursuing the base conditions, and most notorious offences of the vile, vaine, and wicked age, no lesse smarting then tickling : a merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry / by Barnaby Rich ...

Table of contents

Title page

TO THE RIGHT HONOVRABLE, SIR OLIVER SAINT IOHN Knight, Lord Deputy of IRELAND.

TO THE READER.

To the discreet Reader.

THE IRISH HVBBVB; OR, The English Hue and Crie.

APHORISMES, With other witty sentences; the 24 of June. 1618.

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THE IRISH HVBBVB OR, THE ENGLISH HVE AND CRIE. BREIFELY PƲRSƲING the base conditions, and most notorious offences of this vile, vaine, and wicked AGE. No lesse smarting then tickling. A merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry.

By BARNABY RICH Gentleman, and Seruant to the Kings most excellent Maiestie.

Mounted aloft vpon the worlds great stage.

I stand to note the follies of this Age.

Malui me diuitem esse, quàm vocari.

LONDON, Printed for Iohn Marriot, and are to be sold at his shop at the white Flower-de-luce neere Fetter-lane end in Fleet-street. 1618.

TO THE RIGHT HONOVRABLE, SIR OLIVER SAINT IOHN Knight, Lord Deputy of IRELAND.

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Right Honourable,

FOr want of a better cloake, wherby to shelter these endeauours of my vntutored pen, I haue borrowed an Irish mantle.

I might haue clad them in a more glorious garment, I confesse that would haue made them more acceptable to the world, which graceth men now adayes more for their outward shew, then for their inward vertue: but this habit wherein I haue now suted them, carrieth no shew of pride, and is fittest for them to trauell in, that hauing first in all reuerent and dutifull manner presented themselues to your honourable view, and with like humblenesse againe besought your Lordships fauourable pasport, and then to wander through the world, where they shall meet with men of diuers dispositions, who seeing them come out of Ireland in this disguised manner, hoping to heare some strange newes, may entertaine them for a time, and howsoeuer their expectation bee answered, may suffer them to passe, some in respect of policie [Page] some in respect of pittie, and some in respect of pietie.

The lines I send, are like flowers that be of sundry smells pleasing and displeasing, according to the diuersity of mens complexions: if they offend any, I am sure they bee such as doe know themselues to bee faultie: perhaps they may displease some that are accounted to bee worldly wise, but not any one at all that is truly reputed to be godly wise: and in this cause I would not sticke with Marcus Cato, to stand to the censure of my most deprauer Titus Gracchus. I haue grasped at abuse, yet vnder generalities, and haue aduentured at many matters, whereof some not altogether vnnecessary: Amongst some others that be more serious, I haue mixed measurable mirth. I haue beene somewhat curious with the Painter, to giue euery shape his perfect shadow: I haue presented all together to your honourable view, to the end that at your leisure they might serue you to laugh at; for others, if they finde themselues agreeued, let them lump and lowre. they shall but shew themselues to haue guilty consciences.

If my ability were answerable to my good will, my seruice to your Honour would streatch farre: In the meane time, pleaseth it your Lordship to accept of his good intent, that liueth to doe you what seruice hee may, and so will rest while he draweth breath.

Dublin the 24. of Iune 1618.

Your Lordships in all humble and dutifull affection, BARNABY RICH.

TO THE READER.

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GEntle-men, my custome is rather to lay mee downe to sleepe, then to sit idle: yet now to auoyd both, I haue betaken my selfe to my pen. And therfore if the matters that I write of, fall out to be but of a drowsie disposition, the wonder is not great. But hee that should keep a reckoning how hee spends his time, and would set downe an Item for thus many weekes, for thus many daies spent in idlenesse; and Item again, for thus many houres, for thus many minutes consumed in sleepe; the Arethmetician that should cast vp the account, should finde the totall summe amount to iust nothing. If these lines therefore proue to bee any thing, they are better then either sleep or idlenesse.

I haue meant them well; and I hope I shall not need with the Painter, that taking vpon him to picture forth the formes of sundry beasts, so vnperfectly performed them, that he was driuen to write ouer their heads, This is a Lyon, this is an Elephant, this is an Vnicorne: but what I haue aimed at, I haue gone so neere the marke, that although not leuelling at any mans priuate person, yet so directly expressing the condition of the time, that there is none (I thinke) to contradict it.

But we are growne so wise and sharp-sighted in reading other mens writings; that those passages that are but meant and set downe in a generall manner, they will draw to such particular constructions, as the Authour [Page] himselfe neuer so much as dreamt on.

They can poison euery mans labours with their lookes, and of euery line they can make a libell. But thou that art not partiall in iudgement, nor doest, not beare a guilty conscience, iudge of these but as thou findest them true. And so farewell.

To the discreet Reader.

THese harmelesse lines, that haue none ill intent,

I hope shall passe in mirth as they were meant:

I bring no strained stuffe, that might induce

A cloaked shift, or forge a coin'd excuse.

What I intend, is but to make you sport,

By telling truth, to please the wiser sort:

Truth is the marke that I haue aim'd at heere;

And I haue hit the white, and shot so neere,

That no deprauing tongue, nor wrangling sprite

Can wrest awry, what I haue forg'd so right.

For gald-backt Iades that stand in doubt and dread

Of being rubb'd, let them forbeare to read.

I wish these lines to their approoued wits,

Where reason rules, and wit with iudgement sits:

Where vertue guides, and wisdome swayes the minde,

Let these read on, and censure as they finde.

And what it is that I haue aim'd at now,

The wise may iudge; for fooles I care not how.

B. R.

THE IRISH HVBBVB; OR, The English Hue and Crie.

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THAT which in England we doe call the Hue and Crie, in Ireland, they doe call the Hubbub.

The intent of it was at the first, that when any Rebels or Theeues came to doe any robbery in the Countrey, they should then raise the Crie (which they call the Hubbub) therby to giue notice to the Inhabitants round about, that they might combine and gather themselues together in a maine strength, either to rerouer any prey that the theeues or Rebells had taken,The reason of the Hubbub. or at the least to make resistance in their owne defence, and as much as in them did lie, to saue the Countrey from any further spoile.

This was the first institution of it, but they will now raise the Hubbub vpon other sleight occasions. If a couple of drunkards doe chance to fall together by the eares. If a man being drunk, or howsoeuer otherwise distempered, doth fortune to strike his wife. If a Master or Mistresse do but beat a seruant that hath well deserued it, they will raise the Hubbub.

Of these Alarmes and Outcries, we haue sometimes three or foure in a weeke, and that in Dublin it selfe, among the base and rascall sort of people, and as these Hubbubs are thus raised in cases of anger and discontent, so they vse to giue the [Page] Hubbubs againe in matters of sport and merriment. And there is not a people vnder the face of heauen, that will sooner deride and mocke at any thing that is not in vse and custome among themselues, then the Irish will doe.

And as the Irish are thus pleasantly conceited, to iest and to scoffe when they finde occasion, so they haue as great facilitie in weeping, as Stanhurst a famous man amongst them, for his excellent learning; for first he was a Chonicler, then a Poet, and after that he professed Alchymie, and now he is become a massing Priest. This Stanhurst in his historie of Ireland, maketh this report of his Countrey-men: They follow the dead corps to the ground, with howling and barbarous out-cries,The prouerb of weeping Irish. pittifull in appearance, whereof (as he supposeth) grew this Prouerb, To weep Irish.

My selfe am partly of his opinion, that (indeed) to weepe Irish, is to weepe at pleasure, without either cause or greefe, when it is an vsuall matter amongst them, vpon the buriall of their dead, to hire a company of women, that for some small recompence giuen them, they will follow the corps, and furnish out the cry (as Master Stanhurst hath said) with such howling and barbarous outcries, that hee that should but heare them, and did not know the ceremony, would rather thinke they did sing then weep. Such a brutish kinde of lamentation, as in the iudgement of any man that should but heare, and did not know their custome, would thinke it to bee some prodigious presagement, prognosticating some vnluckie or ill successe, as they vse to attribute to the howling of doggs, to the croaking of Rauens, and the shrieking of Owles, fitter for Infidels and Barbarians, then to bee in vse and custome among Christians.

And yet in Dublin it selfe, there is not a corps carried to the buriall, which is not followed with this kinde of mourners, which you shall heare by their howling and their hollowing, but neuer see them to shed any teares. And from hence I thinke indeed ariseth the prouerb, to weep Irish. So that it appeares, how the Irish haue wit and discretion, both to weep when they list, and to laugh at their pleasure. And I am glad of it: for I will make a little bold to borrow some [Page] of their agilitie; yet not to weepe without a cause, for that were right to weepe Irish; but to laugh, and to giue the Hubbub, when I see a cause, and neither to forbeare Irish nor English. For we daily see the pride, the drunkennesse, the swearing, the bawdery, the bribery, the popery, all the most lewd and idle vices: the beastly and diuellish fashions the one doth vse, the other doth imitate; wherefore then should I not let them see themselues, and their abominations, that so they may amend. If not, yet to let the honest plaine men view their follies, that so he may laugh at their fooleries. Doth not this deserue the Hubbub to see vgly vice doth beare the name of seemely vertue, and drunkennesse reputed good fellowship, murther called manhood, lechery named honest loue, impudency good audacitie, pride they call decency, and wretched misery they call good husbandry, hypocrisie they call sinceritie, and flattery doth beare the name of eloquence, truth and veritie, and that which in former ages was called flat knauery, passeth by the name of wit and policie. If I should weepe for any thing, it should bee for some madde conceited greefe: Like the woman, that when her Husband was hanged on the fore-noone, shee fell a weeping in the after-noone, and did lament with such vehement shewes of sorrow, that her neighbours comming about her, began to exhort her to patience, telling her that shee was not the first woman that had had Husband hanged, and although the manner of his death was somewhat disgracefull to the world, yet they wisht her to play a wise womans part, and not to take such greefe whereby to hurt her selfe for that which could not now be holpen: True, true indeed, answered this sorrowfull woman, it cannot now be holpen, and I would be loath to hurt my selfe by playing too much the foole; neither doe I take this greefe The old Prouerbe. Its no more pitty to see a woman weep, tha [...] to se [...] a Goose goe bare-foot. for that my Husband was hanged, but for that he was not hanged in a cleane shirt: if his linnen had bin cleanly about him, his hanging would neuer haue greeued me.

But me thinks if our women in this age were but halfe so kinde to their husbands as this poore woman shewed her selfe to be, that woman might weepe with great greefe and [Page] anguish, that had not her husband hanged, and not onely in a cleane shirt on his backe, but likewise with a yellow starcht band about his necke. For yellow bands are become so common, to euery young giddy-headed Gallant, and light heeld Mistresse, that me thinks a man should not hardly be hanged without a yellow band, a fashion so much in vse with the vaine fantasticke fooles of this age, for I neuer see, or heard a wise man that did vse this base and lewd fashion.

The lamentable teares of Heraclitus, bemoaning the vanities of his time, were now out of season, who would regard them? I thinke it therefore better to laugh with Democritus; for a litle mirth (they say) is worth a great deale of sorrow. But I thinke there be some will be angry if they be laughed at; and howsoeuer they incline themselues to follow the fooles fashion, yet they will not be mockt. But I will come ouer these fellowes with a prouerbe that many yeeres agoe I brought out of France, and thus followes the text: He that will make himselfe a sheepe, it is no matter though the Wolues doe eat him: and why should it not likewise follow, He that will make himselfe a foole, it is no matter who laughs at him.

I cannot thinke that since the first creation the world euer afforded so many monsters of men, nor so few modest women, as at this present age. And he that writes with an vpright conscience, must not flatter: and hee that doth behold the deformed vanities that are euery day hatched vp, and brought to be in fashion, both in the Court, Citie, and Countrey, as well in England as Ireland, cannot chuse but laugh. Now if any one be angry at my plaine speeches, I know he wants either wit or honestie, and then it shall but augment my sport, and make mee to laugh the faster: for I am sure there is no man that is not an enemy to his owne discretion, but will thinke I haue spoken truth; and there is no good man but will approue what is lust: for fooles I care not.

Now for women, I know there be a number as well of old as young, that are both wise and vertuous, that knowing themselues to be free from all detection, will neuer be offended with my honest meaning: and as I loue and honour [Page] those that be good, so I neuer ment to please those that bee proud and lewdly giuen.

If I be offensiue to any queazie stomacke, it rather proceedeth from some distempered humors in the party so offended, in that he knoweth himselfe to be guilty of these crimes, and so may thinke I point him out for a foole, then of any fault of mine.

May we not a litle scoffe at those, that doe nothing else themselues but make a scoffe at vertue? Is not the world come to that passe, that men doe rather glory in their sinnes, then either seeke to reforme, or to shew any signes of sorrow or amendment?

Name mee but the Drunkard,Drunkards are the Diuels sops. that ouer night hath bin carried like a beast to his bed, that is ashamed of it the next morning, but is rather ready to laught at it, and to fall to his draffe againe afresh.

Is it not so with the Adulterer,Adulterers are wicked theeues. that doth take greater pleasure in the vaunting of his adulteries, then he did in the acting? Looke amongst all sorts of sinners: doe they not reioyce in their abominations, and make themselues merry with their owne iniquities?

Is not the man that feareth God become a laughing stock to those vassals of vice and villanie?These & diuers others are the common sins of the time that heape Gods iudgments on this land.

The proud peacocke, he lookes asquint at him that doth not shine in silke, and glister all in gold.

The drunken swad, he makes a wry mouth at him that will not be once a weeke drunke for good fellowship.

The blasphemous wretch accounts him for a Mecocke that cannot sweare voluntary, and lash out for euery word an oath.

The vicious lecher will call him Puritan, that will not beare him company to a Bawdy house.

The knowne harlot, that liues in daily adultery, will not sticke to shoulder the honest woman, that was neuer detected, and will striue with her for place and precedence. Vice doth so guard it selfe by tyrannie, that no body dares open his lips to reprehend it.

Marke but the vicious Courtier, how he flatters, sweares, [Page] and forsweares, and damnes himselfe to the Diuell, to please the eye of greatnesse, tels false lies, and tales, to act any villanie, when murther shall accompany lust euen to poyson innocents. But God is iust, and doth reward them with shame here, and in death Hell doth attend them.

The great-ill-man hath discharged honesty for comming on his ground, and hopes to be Lord of as much ground as a Kite can flie ouer in a day. O Rauen, for he dips his bill in poore mens blood.

The vnmercifull vsurer and his broker fasten their long talents vpon the decayed borrower; tell them of honesty, they terme you pragmaticall, and talke of nothing but thousands, as though they ment to spit shillings in the face of any that oppose them.

The suttle Lawyer that pleads in ill cases, sells silence, takes fees with both hands, and like an ill Surgeon keepes the wound of his clyent greene, till hee hath emptied his purse.

The deceitfull Tradesman that keeps a good and a bad weight, because he hath a heart and a heart, holds honesty an enemy to this thrift; because hee meaneth to bee vnreasonable rich, hee can bee content to bee vnmeasurable sinfull.

The bold faced stage player that trades in poysoning all sorts and ages with verses reesed in the smoke of lust, and blasphemous scripture iests; these and the like stinke in the presence of God, and one day God will send them all to him, whom in this life they serued.

It is our sinnes then that haue raised the Hubbub: the cry is vp, and it is become so loud and shrill, that it hath pierced the clouds, it hath aspired the heauens, and it hath approched the presence chamber of God.

What is man that he should be thus prone? He is vaine, fickle, weake, and wondrous arrogant: Then to fret him, he is euer swaied with loue, lust, ambition, enmitie, compassion, ioy, iealousie, feare, hope, despaire, sadnesse, with hate, reuenge, auarice, choller, and cruelty.

But I thanke God for it, I am not so madde, to thinke [Page] that I am able to terrifie those with my words, that the threatnings pronounced by Gods own mouth cannot make afraid; when our Preachers may cry out till their throats be sore, denouncing Gods vengeance against sinne and wickednesse, are rather derided than beleeued.

What folly were it in mee then, to presume to induce those to the feare of God, that I thinke haue no regard neither to God, nor the Deuill; that doe liue as though there were neither reward in heauen for the iust, nor punishment in hell for the wicked; that do demeane themselues, not as though they were ignorant of God, but as though they did do their vttermost to despight him?

The world is now too farre spent, to looke for either grace or goodnesse vpon the earth; and the sinnes of this age are growne so proud, that they are past all reformation.

Were it not better for mee then to laugh than to weepe, and for companies sake to be merry, and to sport at their follies, that I thinke are priuiledged by Letters Patents from hell, to follow their owne lusts and pleasures, and to feede themselues fat for the Diuels owne tooth?

What is become of our ancient bounty in house-keeping? Those whose ancestors liued in stately Pallaces, like Princes in their Countrey, brauely attended by a number of proper men, now come and liue in the Citie, where they are but inmates, rogues by statute: and my young master and his boy spend that which was wont to maintaine so many. What is the reason of this? An ancient Father of the Church saith, Mutant oues pro auibus, boues pro piscibus: They giue as much for a bird as their fathers for a fat Weather; and more for a fresh Salmon, then they for a fat oxe: and how scant a portion of these dainties comes to the almes basket, all men may iudge. Nay we may say they put all their fat Beeues into their imbroydered and perfumed doublets, their fat sheepe into their skarlet slops, the eggs and flower that should make the good pies and pasties, into starch for their yellow bands; all the smoke that should come forth of their chimneyes, is blowne out at their noses: Finally, they make but a puffe of all their fathers left them.

[Page]And now to begin my sport, I cannot chuse but giue the Hubbub, when I meet so many of my young Masters passing thorow the streets, attired so like strumpets, trickt vp in the harlots trimme, for all the world like a Seamsters maide new come out of the Royall Exchange. Mee thinks they should not sweare an oath but by Gods daintie: they are not worthy to carry the name of men, that are so farre in loue with their owne deformities, as I thinke of my conscience, if the soules of the deceased might looke downe from the heauens to behold the things that are done here vpon the earth, there be a number of parents that would be ashamed to see the vanities of their owne children, how farre they are estranged, both in forme, fashion, and condition, from the discipline of vertue, and the precepts which they themselues had bin educated and trained vp in. Our mindes are effeminated, our martiall exercises and disciplines of warre are turned into womanish pleasures and delights: our Gallants thinke it better spend their lands and liuings in a whores lap, then their liues in a martiall field for the honour of their Countrey. Wee haue conuerted the coller of steele to a yellow-starched band, the launce to a tobacco-pipe, the arming-sword and gantlet to a paire of perfumed gloues; wee are fitter for a Coach then for a campe, and our young Gallants are now become so wise in their owne conceits, that they will take vpon them to know all things, that doe not yet know themselues; and that which in former ages would haue beene accounted for a noisome and a malapert kinde of sawcinesse, that they ascribe to proceede from the viuacitie and quicknesse of wit: but he that should behold their courting complements when they bee in company amongst women, could not chuse but laugh and giue the Hubbub.

They are so vaine to see to, so foolish in their words, and they haue so many distracted engines of action, as would sooner turne a wise womans stomacke, then winne her loue.

Parents doe well in being carefull to leaue their Heires large reuenues, for the most in number amongst them would [Page] neuer be able to liue by their wits; their greatest study is but to follow pride and pleasure; and this is it that fills the world so full of fooles.

Gentle-men were wont to bring vp their Heires in the knowledge of Arts and literature, it now sufficeth if he can but write his owne name in a Mercers booke, put his hand to an Obligation, or to a bill of bargaine and sale, this is learning enough for a Gentle-man in these dayes.

Nor I cannot see but that hee that would seeme to haue most knowledge, doth shew (indeed) to haue least grace, nor they let not (so farre as I can perceiue) for being the more learned, to be any whit the lesse foolish: the time hath beene a man would haue beene ashamed to haue begg'd a recompence, but for some speciall seruice performed for his Prince or Countrey: but now, for the drinking of an Health, for the lighting of a Tobacco-pipe, or for their laying of a Scene, to act a peece of villany.

We buy Titles of honour with gold,Offices are gotten by flattery, and begged for no desert at al that our Predecessours purchased with vertue, and wherefore but to defile a Dignity, to maintaine pride, and to seeke precedency? the time hath beene, that the Honours and Dignities were giuen not to the rich, but to the honest; and they were well punished, that would seeke by money to oppresse vertue,Honesty stands at the gate and knockes, and bribery enters in. that would first seeke by oppression, by extortion, and by the ruines of the Common-wealth, to gather riches, and then (distrusting their owne vertues) haue no other means, whereby to aduance themselues, and to take place of those that were their betters borne, but by corruption and giuing rewards.

It hath euer beene a thing detested amongst the multitude, to see an vnworthy person, that either enclined to pride, to couetousnesse, to oppression, or to such other like, to bee aduanced, either to Honour or Dignity.

Their high titles may sometimes augment their reputatations, sildome times either to mend their manners, or to benefit the Common-wealth; yea, we must needs confesse them to be honestly come by, that are so dearely and truely paid for, but yet all things well considered, it is but money [Page] ill laid out to purchase a Dignity, whereby to run the Buyer into infamie, and endlesse miserie.

I will not meddle with the Nobilitie of this age, that are well knowne to be nobly descended, as well from ancient as from honourable families, yet there haue been some others, that would faine haue runne currant for six shillings eight pence sterling, that if they had beene brought to the Ballance, would haue beene found too light by a great deale more then the common allowance of two graines; but if they had beene tried by the Touch, or brought to the Test, we might haue sworne, that all was not gold that did glister.

To be vertuous in this madd age were vaine, when vice is altogether graced; I will raise the cry against the Courtiers, but if I speake all that is true against the Courts of Princes, I shall be too tedious in my short suruay of abuses. Only this, Courtiers haue delight, not in vertue, but most of them in vice: what are they better for high bloud, high titles of honour, stately buildings, costly fare, rich raiment? all their pleasures and dignities are but vanitie, vnlesse endued with the rich robe of vertue: by the steps of flattery, most Courtiers learne to climb; the Courts of Princes are giuen to fornication, adultery & rauishments, which are counted young Courtiers sports: in Court they oppresse vertue, honesty scorned, innocent men persecuted, Ribalds preferred, presumptuous men fauoured, flattery aduanced: Princes courts are like gardens, where one gathers vertue, the other plucks vice, one suckes honie, another drawes poyson.

We doe read that in former ages, this insatiate desire of Honour was so bridled and curbed, that these oppressing practises were well enough preuented, and so circumspectly looked into, that no ambitious person (contrary to the rules of honestie) should either by briberie, or anie other manner of corruption, aspire either to Office or Dignity.

I could now laugh till my belly did ake, but for angring of my Lady, to see so many Madona's percht vp, that we are not able to know a Lady from a Landresse, wee cannot distinguish betweene those women that bee of honour, from those that are but base in parentage, whose best bringing vp [Page] hath been in washing, in starching, in scraping of trenchers, in filling the pot, yet not crosse the streets but in a coach.

She that treads vpon the ground, or walkes on foot but the length of a paire of Butts, shee must haue a supporter,They will ride in a coach, though it be to a bawdy house and the footman keeps sentinell at the doore. some lustie young Stallion must lead her by the arme, or she cannot goe.

Now of mine honestie (foole that I am to sweare) when I my selfe was young, and should haue beene seene in such sort, to passe through the streets leading a young woman, they would haue thought I had beene conducting of her to some Bawdy-house.

But should I speake of women in generall (I will not meddle with Ladies of Honour) and I know amongst the rest, there bee a number as well of old as young, that are both wise and vertuous, who (knowing themselues to be free from all detection) will neuer bee offended with mee for speaking the truth, and as many vilde and vicious, both in court and countrey; and as I loue and honour those women that bee good, so I neuer care to please those other that be ill. I know againe there be a number, that (of my conscience) are more honest then they themselues do make shew to be, that a man would thinke by their outward appearance, they had made port sale both of vertue and honestie, or what vertue or honestie they haue, they doe conceale; but for their vices, they are set open to shew.

And doth not this deserue the Hubbub, to see one of these old antiquities, I meane a Ladie that is so far spent in yeeres, that shee is readie for the graue, and more wisdome for her to prouide her selfe a winding sheet, then to sute her selfe in coloured silkes, in gawdy attires, to couer her hoarie scalp, with a curll'd-perewig, and to looke out euery day for new fashions.

Wheh I see such a Beldame (that is past child bearing) to be thus youthfully disposed, it puts me in minde of the Prouerb, That our old horse would haue a new saddle. And what is become of that modesty that was wont to be amongst young women, when maidens do now grow faster into impudency and audacious boldnesse, then they doe into yeeres or vertuous [Page] endeauours; when she, that as well in her apparrell as in her behauiour, doth shew her selfe to be now masculine, doth then thinke her selfe to be most in fashion.

Are not our young women, in this age, trained vp from their very infancy, to be as bold, as insolent, and as shamelesse, as either Ruffian or Roaring boy? If they be once past fifteene yeeres of age, if their parents will not giue them husbands, they will prouide themselues of paramours.

Giue me leaue a little to tell you of the first Institution of roaring, because there is such a number of that braue rabble-rowt in euerie citie, and almost in euerie countrey-towne. The first roaring was at the Tower by Roaring-Meg the great ordnance, for they sluft her breech with venemous powder, and set fire to her touch hole, and she roar'd. And then the Lyons being so neere, they roar'd. And then the Beares of Parish garden hearing the Lyons, they began to roare. And the Boyes comming to see the Beares, they learned. And euer since their hath beene a company of Roaring-boyes.

They were wont to bee brougt vp in honest and vertuous exercises, now in wanton idlenesse, in impudent and immodest boldnesse.

These be fit for the Italian fines, not for any honest mans wife.She that is tongued like a Lawyer in the Tearme-time, that neuer speakes but for profit, she that can dance a synque-paace aboue ground, so lofty that a man may see her silken garter: she that can both laugh and weep Irish: she that can sing come tit me, come tat me: she that can play Ladies loue lusty Lads, on the Voyall de Gambo: shee that hath beene brought vp in the knowledge of tongues, and can speake good Ram Alley: she that can learne fastest to forget shame, Why, this is a Minion for a mans tooth; shee is fit to bee made a childe-bearing woman: there is nothing so much endeauoured amongst women, as to blaze and set forth their beauties, and to this purpose they haue deuised many artificiall helps to set it forth. And because to haue many Louers to be still hanging about them, which they suppose to bee a testimony of this their borrowed beauty (the rather to intice and draw them in) they runne into behauiours of little modesty. What a number of Knights, and Gentlemens sons [Page] in this age, are drawn in by these base and vile strumpets, to spend both body and goods, lands and liues, to please and satisfie his honest whore, that must haue her face painted, her haire powdred, her locks curled, her silke petticoat embrodered with gold, her gownes of cloth of siluer, cloth of gold, and the yellow band and feather, with diuers other dainty deuices: so strangely deformed, the Diuell can hardly inuent the like: so demeaning themselues with such wanton countenances and shamelesse gestures, that they doe manifestly make offer (and sometimes doe giue themselues for a prey) to those men that are of a base and vicious disposition,Cracke Chamber-mayds the Masters whore the Seruing-mans wife. that will accept and ioyne issue with them, till they beginne to long for greene plummes, and then they will as quickly abhorre them, as they made shew suddenly to loue them, and then he leaues her fit to serue a brothell-house, vnlesse some base-minded groome (as I know some such there bee) will take her for a wife, and can bee contented to liue by his wiues bringings in; and these be they that doe help to replenish the world with Harlots and common Tweakes.

She that hath born a bastard to a man of note,It is holden a credit, to be a bastard to a great man of fame and note, as this example sheweth. she thinks it to bee no blemish at all to her reputation; nay, she thinkes the better of her selfe. I remember I haue read in a French history of a Duke of Guyse, that was well knowen to keepe Monsieur Granduyles wife, who was a Gentleman of great estate, and likewise descended from an honourable Family, who after hee was dead, there grew some question of his wiues children, whether they were legitimate and begotten by her husband, or bastards to the Duke of Guise, for so the most of them were supposed; the eldest sonne protested with a vehement oath, that he had rather be accounted the noble Duke of Guyses bastard, then to be reputed cuckold Granduyles sonne, and in this humor hee forsooke his inheritance, and left it to his younger brother.

Now (of my conscience) a number of our gallant girles in these daies be of the same disposition, they had rather be accounted an harlot to some great personage, then an honest mans wife. And all things considered, they are partly to bee excused, when such harlots shall bee better graced, then the [Page] woman that is honest, and my Laydy will take her into her owne coach, when Chastitie shall trudge on foot, and bee scoffed at.

Beauty that is ioyned with honesty is out of request, who doth regard it? and a man were better to slander an honest woman, then to speake truth of an harlot.

We may call a scold, a scold, and it may passe without any great perill: but we cannot call a whore, a whore, but with danger; for if shee bee able to put on a silken outside, and to fee a Proctor in the Commissaries Court, though shee bee a knowne strumpet by the report of all her neighbours, yet we must not call her whore, vnlesse we bee able to bring two other eye-witnesses: and she that is so open in her businesse, that shee will haue two or three paire of eyes to looke vpon her, is fitter for a cart, then she is for a coach.

Well, blessing of his heart yet, that would say, Thought was free: and when I see a woman haue a painted face, with a powdred periwig, her breasts laid open, her stomacke naked, almost downe to her nauell, to speake truly, I know not what to thinke; but let her be as honest as shee list, these are but like Tauerne signes, that are hanged out but to call in customers, and they are indeede the Fore-runners of adultery, vice, and villanie. And if shee be honest that thus setteth her selfe to the shew, yet it hath beene questioned, whether chastitie ioyned with vanitie, doth merit anie commendations or nay: but this is without all question, that this ouer-much affected follie doth liue with no lesse suspected honestie: she is but an ill huswise therefore of her owne credit, that will bring it into a vulgar construction: but as the mouth of Wisdome hath auowed, that A wise married wife is her husbands glory, so it were much better for a mans owne credit, to marry a wise harlot, then a foolish honest woman: A wise harlot, that can shelter her escapes with such discretion, that the world shall neither see nor wonder at it; then a foolish honest woman, who although she bee honest of her body, yet in her attire and outward shew, euery man doth thinke her to be an harlot. Nature hath not ordained all women to bee wise, there must bee some vaine, if it bee but to fit the humors of [Page] those men that are no lesse fond then foolish. And as there be in women sundry kindes of allurements, so there be in men as many seuerall desires: for as some doe fancie those women that be gawdy and garish in their apparell, and therewithall so lauish of their eyes, words, and gestures, that they doe promise easily to be wonne, and doe giue a lustfull hope to the beholders: so another lusteth after her that can season her beauty with a sharpnesse of wit, and hath Art and skill to hide a thousand crafts and subtleties, vnder a smooth tongue.

Some are seene to dote vpon those women, that can accompany their beauties with coy countenances, and scornefull words, that hideth not her thoughts, but carelesly speaketh what shee thinks.

But the man that is wise, intirely loueth her that is honest, sober, modest, that so tempereth her selfe in all her demeanors, that vertue hath seemed to settle her selfe in her lookes and countenances, and that the graces are there heaped together like a pleasant posie, compact and made of many flowers, and that of the most faire and excellent in the garden: but where in Gods name should a man go seeke for such a wife? I thinke in Moores Eutopia or in Terra incognita, an Iland neuer found.

Or what is become of that age, when simple beauty without any helpe of Painters Art, was best beseeming an honest woman? when bashfull modestie inclosed in a womans brest, was the best lure whereby to induce honorable reputation? The Diuell hath here set another snare to catch Ladies and Gentlewomen, which besides their costly clothes, they must not content themselues with good faces of Gods making, but dainty painted faces, fit for painted Apes: now they do paint with Indian excrements, and besmeare themselues with Iewish spittle, too base and vile to chaste honestie, that I do admire how Ladies and Gentlewomen can affect such loathsome stuffe. I thinke one were better salute the backside of an honest woman, then the artificiall face of one of these painted Iezabels.

They were then beloued of the wise, of the vertuous, of [Page] the learned; but now by the vaine, by the lewd, and by those Hermaphrodites that are not worthy the name of men, and therefore to speake truely, not worthy of honest wiues.

Would you know who was the first inventers of this painting the face, and brests? It is said, an old Bawd, whose beastly youth procured her a hatefull age, and shee resembling dame vgly, my Lady Hard-fauors chamber-maide, shee was ouer-ridden and surfeted, all the haire of her head fell off, her eyes were sunke into her head, her nose dependant long and slender downe to her chin, shee was mouthed like a Plaice from the one eare to the other, her teeth rotten with sweet meats, and stinking yellow, her face and skin like the outside of rustie old bacon, and shee spits in her hands to make her moyst, her body, and leggs swelld with the dropsie as bigg as a mill-poste: this neat and curious peece of bawdry would needs be made new and fresh againe, like the blossomes of May; hir doings and customers decayed failing, shee call'd to counsell three maine pillars of hir house, which was Mistris Whore the younger, Mistris Fructifier, and Mistris Tweake the elder, and when they had drunke each one a quart of burnt sacke, their wits were full ripe; and then shee questioned with them how hir selfe the old May-pole of mischeife might be repaired, and they invented the Art of woman painting for the face and brests, which to this day the women of that Trade doe continually vse, and I am perswaded not any other, which how beastly, odious, and vgly it is, I leaue to all honest women to iudge.

What should a vaine Fantasticke do with a wise woman? No, shee that hath her face painted with white and red, shee that hath her bands starched with blew and yellow, shee that in stead of a plume of feathers, can decke his Coxcombe with a paire of hornes, shee that can sympathize with him in his owne folly, shee is fit for him, there is neither pot broken, nor water spilt betweene them, there will be a good accordance, it were pitty the banes should be forbidden.

We were wont to say, it was a wise childe that did know the owne father, but now we may say, it is a wise father that [Page] doth know his owne childe. I protest, I do not know a dishonest woman in England, nor in Ireland, of mine owne experience, but if we may giue credit to reports, or beleeue what they themselues doe make shew to be by their outward appearance, there were neuer so many, and the trade is become to be so vniuersall, that they cannot thriue the one by the other; their gettings doe but serue to shift off the time, till they become to be some foure or fiue and thirty yeeres of age, & then if they do not turne Bawd, they must either be turned into some Hospitall, or end the rest of their life in a Spittle.

But this plenty of Harlots hath done some good in the Common-wealth, it hath much abated the price of Bawdry; for now a whoremonger may haue his pot of Ale, his pipe of Tobacco, and his pocky whore, and all for his three pence, and that almost in euery by-Lane. A happy thing for poore Knights, that the market is thus beaten downe; for one of these high prizde Harlots, that must haue her silken gownes, hir guarded petticoates, her embroydered smocks, her needle-worke edgings, hir powldred perywigs, and hir costly Cates, she is able to vndoe a whole halfe dozen of Knights, one after another.

She will make him to spend his Reuenues, to sell his land, to disinherit his posteritie, and his whole estate to be euermore doubtfull, and still in danger of burning.

She will leaue him so weake in his purse, so feeble of his body, and so rotten in his bones, that the soueraignty of his Tobacco will neuer be able to cure him.

I cannot tell how I should passe ouer these matters without giuing the Hubbub: but let vs now looke into the apparell that is vsed, and that as well by men, as by women.

There is nothing whereby a man may more readily iudge of the inward disposition of the minde, then by the outward shew of apparell. Our words, our behauiours, and our outward attires, they are all tongues to proclaime the inward disposition, either of men or women: for there is no doubt but that a phantasticall attire is a plaine confirmation of a phantasticke minde.

[Page]But if I had as many mouthes, as Argus had eyes, I should yet want words to expresse the foolerie of new fashions, the onely cloke whereby to patronize the franticke humors of this madding age, is the multitude of madde men that doth vse them, which now by custome are growne so familiar, being practised by the multitude, that if they were acted but by a few in number, I thinke that if they themselues did but stand by to behold them, they would account them to bee worse then madde, that did so much affect them: but yet in this deformitie of fashions, it is commonly seene, that wise-men doe sometimes follow fooles.

But of all occupations, I will blesse my selfe from being a Taylor, especially to any of those of the decayed Order: for when the Taylor hath spent his wits to fit him in the new fashion, which he must fetch from France, Flanders, Italy, Spaine, and that he hath shewne his skill in cutting, pressing, printing, racing, garding, and stitching, yet he sweares he hath spoild his garment: And I cannot chuse but laugh, to thinke how the poore Taylor must indure to bee call'd Rogue, Rascall, Foole, Asse, Prick-louse, Botcher, Bungler, and to suffer the worshipfull Knight Sir Giles Goosecap, to rage, to raile, and to sweare that his garment is marred, hee hath cut it too long, too short, too wide, too streight, and he must be contented to indure all, and glad to get him home with his bill in his pocket, not daring to aske his money for a twelue-moneth after. For a womans Taylor, the best way to please my Lady, is to haue some interest in her Chamber-maide.

It would be tedious to set downe what meanes hath bin vsed to draw in money for the supply of wares, what great summes of money haue bin raised from the pride and excesse that hath bin vsed as well by men, as by women, in their garded garments, their coloured silkes, their gold and siluer lace, and their such other superfluities: If these exactions were now looked after, I thinke it would draw deepe, when Cloth of Gold is thought too simple, vnlesse it be ornified with some rich imbroydery, either of Gold or Pearle, for otherwise, he that his fathers best coat was but of homespunne [Page] cloth, doth disdaine to weare it.

Pride is now become the mother of deuotion, for it driueth a number to Church, that goe thither more to shew their brauery, and to seeke precedence, then they do to serue God. The Sabboth day, which the Almighty himself hath commanded especially to be kept holy, that day aboue all the rest is most prophaned, and God is more dishonoured with this monstrous sinne of pride vpon the Sabboth day, then he was when Lucifer was first depriued from the ioyes of heauen.

If we keepe our dores shut vp during the time of the Sermon, we thinke we haue done enough. And there is a prouident care had, (if it were as carefully obserued) that no Victualler in the time of Diuine Seruice should retaine in his house any drinking or disordred company.

Doe but now finde me out the Tauerne, the Inne, or the Alehouse, where God is more dishonoured on the Sabboth day, then he is in the Church it selfe, and then at that very time whilest the Preacher is in the Pulpit.

Looke but vpon the abhominable pride that is there to be seene, and thou wilt say,O damned pride a maine step to hell. it is fitter to prophane the Temple, then to doe God honour. The pride of this Age is greater then euer it was, both in Nobles, Knights, and Gentlemen, and as well in those that should giue good example, as teach precepts, in high and low, rich and poore, all sorts, all degrees, are excessiuely proud: and as it were in despight of Religion, to attire and pranke vp our selues in that pompe and excessiue pride, as were fitter for a Brothell-house, then for the house of God.

I would not be thought to be too generall in my words, for God defend but there should be many good and godly disposed persons that doe frequent the Church, that are no lesse zealously inclined then godly deuoted: yet hee that should duely consider of the excesse that is vsed in superfluous vanities, would rather iudge them to be the marks and monuments of a people that neuer heard of God, then to be in vse and custom amongst Christians when they be seruing of their God.

[Page]We goe to Church indeed vpon the Sabboth, and we say it is to seeke Christ, but it is to seeke precedence, to dispute of dignities, to striue for places, to contend who shall goe before, and who shall follow after, and therefore to mocke Christ rather then to seeke him.

Christ is to be sought in lowlinesse of heart and humblenesse of minde: we must seeke him in feare and trembling, in mourning garments, lamenting and bewayling our sins: and therefore let those counterfet hypocrites chuse whether they will be angry or pleased, for I will laugh at them, and giue them the Hubbub too, that will say they goe to seeke Christ in pride and presumption.

We read in the holy Scriptures of three wise-men that came to seeke Christ, (the Papists would haue them to bee three Kings) but did they come in my pompe or pride to seeke him? It is written, they gaue him gifts, Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh: and this (in the opinion of most learned Diuines) was preordained by God himselfe to releeue the necessitie of Ioseph and Mary, who were then presently to flie into Aegypt for the safetie of the childe IESVS, whom Herod did seeke to murder.

We doe read of Zaccheus, that came to seeke Christ, and he was driuen to climbe a Figge tree, but to get a sight of him: the text saith he was rich, but his apparell could not be sumptuous, that was fit to climbe a tree.

Wee read againe of the Virgin Mary her selfe, that for three dayes together had sought Christ, whom in the end shee found amongst the Doctors in the Temple: but doe you thinke she rode all this while in a Coach, that shee went thus to seeke him?

Christ himselfe came to seeke vs when we were lost, nay when we had lost ourselues, and were sold vnder sinne: but when he came to seeke vs, and to saue the world, did he shine in silke, or glister in gold?

How is this world changed? We cannot now goe to seek Christ, but we must be clad in silke, in sattin, in veluet, in cloth of siluer, in cloth of gold. Euery vnworthy Madam, that her mother hath trudged many a mile on foote to goe [Page] to market, shee cannot now goe to Church but in a Coach, if it be but the length of a Bowling Alley.

The six dayes that God hath left vnto vs to follow our worldly businesses, wee mis-spend them with many foule abuses; but the Sabboth day, that we reserue onely to shew our pride.

Thus vnder pretence of going to Church to serue God, we goe to Church to mocke God, and our comming home from the Sermon, doth rather shew vs to be returned from the celebration of those filthy ceremonies which in the old time were solemnized in Rome to the honour of Flora, then to come like Christians with any signe of repentance, or shew in amendment of life. We go to Church as we vse to take Tobacco, more for custome and good companies sake, then for any good it doth vs.

Could we but now marke what passe this age of ours is growne vnto: this age of ours, I say, that doth make so great shew to professe Christianitie: we are all now for pride and pleasure; but let vs take heede, for pleasure is but the forerunner of misery and paine, and pride that hath depriued the Angels from the ioyes of heauen, is now growne so stately, that she must haue her swindge, she will not be reproued.

Vertue cannot indure to be pent vp in the mindes either of men or women, that doe so far exceed and super abound in vanities.

Amongst those things that our Ancestors did euer obserue as notes whereby to know a harlot, there was none more speciall then the gawdy and garish garments.

Salomon againe he setteth downe the bold audacious woman to be a bird of the same wing; then what shall we say to her that carries all these marks about her, that is both light and vaine in her apparell, and that is both impudent and shamelesse in her demeanor: this woman hath lost her euidence, and she hath nothing to shew for her honesty.

There is mention made of a Canon, whereby it was ordained, that if a woman had passed through the streets attired like a harlot, howsoeuer shee had bin wronged by any man, or violently assailed, she should haue had no aduantage [Page] against him by Law. But if that Canon were now in force, our streets would neuer be without great quarrels; for their damnable new invented fashions do shew themselues to be no lesse then monsters. Mee thinks it were good therefore, and as well for men as for women, to determine with themselues how they would be accounted, and so to sute themselues in their apparell accordingly.

Let men shew themselues to be like men, that doe now shew themselues like women, to looke like Maid-marrian in a Morris-dance, fitter for a Sempsters shop, then to fight for a Countrey.

Our nicitie hath brought into obliuion, the examples left vnto vs by our ancestors, they vsed none of this tricking, and this trimming vp of themselues, this frizling of haire, this curling of lockes, this starching with blew, with yellow, and with all the colours in the Rainebow, their best painting stuffe was dust well tempered with sweat, the true monument of Trauell, of Labour, of Industry, and of Action.

Now for women, she that powders her Periwigs, she that paints hir face, she that layes open hir breasts, she that bespots her selfe with patches, and layes her selfe naked shamefull to thinke on, she that disguiseth and deformeth hir selfe euery day with new fashions, if this woman be honest, wherefore should she doe these things, vnlesse of purpose, because shee would be thought to be a harlot, but if the woman that doth thus disguise her selfe doth not want a litle honesty, I am sure shee wants a great deale of wit.

Their excuse is, if we should not follow the fashion, none would regard vs: So they goe to hell for fashions sake they care not.These vanities of vanities, what are they else but the traps and traines of hell? and whilst the body is thus pranked vp in pride, the poore soule goes thred bare, and being made play-fellow with the bodies wantonnesse, she neuer feeleth her owne euill, but that euill only which the body indureth.

But alas how few are there now left to tell the vpright and plaine dealing of our Ancestors, what care they had of the common good, how prouident they were to reforme these ouer-exceeding vanities; but how few are there now that would either harken or regard it, or would either president or follow their examples?

[Page]Or what shall become of after ages? What example of goodnesse shall we leaue to our posteritie? The younger sort can but learne by tradition, what they receiue by example from their Elders: and what can they heare or see either at home or abroad, that is not altogether vaine and vnlawfull? And besides the forwardnesse of their owne natures which still are ready to all impiety: they haue within doores the examples of their Parents to encourage them, that do think the readiest way to preferre their children (but especially their daughters) is to bring them vp in insolency and impudent boldnesse.We sildome see grapes on thorns And how is it possible that the daughter should bee chaste, that is not able to number her mothers fooleries, nor to cast a true account of all her vanities, sometimes perhaps of her adulteries.

If men and women should but degenerate from the rules of vertue, as fast the next age, as they haue done but within the compasse of our owne memories, they that should liue to see it, may bid adieu to all vertue and honesty.

Democritus made himselfe merry with the follies of his time, but hee could not haue halfe the sport to laugh at, that our Age now affordeth: the sinnes of those times were but dull, dumpish, drowsie; they were not halfe so quicke spirited as now, that are become to bee more capering, more actiue, more nimble, and farre exceeding in agilitie, ouer they were in former ages.

When Alexander kill'd his Clytus, A Drunkards life is most wretched, and his end is commonly most fearefull and damnable, as nine in one Shire haue made a lamentable example, the yeere 1617. He that first inuented that vse of drinking healths, had his [...]aines beat out with a pottle pot: a most iust end for inuentors of such notorius abuses. And many in pledging of Healths haue ended their liues presently, as example lately in London. drunkennesse would rather haue drawne teares from Heraclytus, then laughter from Democrytus; but it is now become to be more familiar, more conuersant, more sociable, and drunkennesse is now a continuall company-keeper in euery Tauerne, in euery Inne, and in euery Ale-house.

But the base bruits that doe frequent these places, are not worthy the laughing at, I will therefore goe seeke out better company.

There is no feastings, no banquettings, no merry meetings, but if it be not solemnized with a company of drunken sots, that before they be ready to say grace after meat, if some of them be not carried away drunke to their beds, the [Page] cost is but cast away, it is not worthy to bee called a feast. In former ages, they had no conceits whereby to draw on drunkennesse, their best was, I drinke to you, and I pledge yee; till at length some shallow witted drunkard found out the Carowse, which shortly after was turned into an hearty draught: but now it is enioyned to the drinking of an health, an inuention of that worth and worthinesse, as it is pitty, the first founder was not hanged, that wee might haue found out his name in the ancient record of the hangmans register.

The institution in drinking of an Health, is full of ceremony, and obserued by Tradition, as the Papists doe their praying to Saints.

He that beginnes the health, hath his prescribed orders: first vncouering his head, hee takes a full cup in his hand, and setling his countenance with a graue aspect, hee craues for audience: silence being once obtained, hee beginnes to breath out the name, peraduenture of some Honourable Personage, that is worthy of a better regard, then to haue his name polluted at so vnfitting a time, amongst a company of Drunkards: but his health is drunke to, and hee that pledgeth▪ The Ruffingly order of drinking healths, vsed by the spendalls of this age. must likewise off with his cap, kisse his fingers, and bowing himselfe in signe of a reuerent acceptance; when the Leader sees his Follower thus prepared, hee soups vp his broath, turnes the bottome of the cup vpward, and in ostentation of his dexteritie, giues the cup a phillip, to make it cry Twango. And thus the first Scene is acted.

The cup being newly replenished to the breadth of an haire, he that is the pledger must now beginne his part, and thus it goes round thoughout the whole company, prouided alwayes by a canon set downe by the Founder, there must be three at the least still vncouered, till the health hath had the full passage: which is no sooner ended, but another begins againe, and hee drinkes an Health to his Lady of little worth, or peraduenture to his lighe heell'd mistris.

By these drunken deuices, God is dishonoured, and that loue which in those drunken fits they pretend to any man to bee detested and abhorred; yea, the prayers that a drunkard maketh vnto God, are rather to be derided, then beleeued; [Page] but the woman they would seeme to honour by drinking her Health, is thereby dishonoured, disgraced and discredited; for Drunkards are sildome seene to reuerence any woman, either for her vertue, or for her honesty, but are more apt to slander those that neuer deserued it.

Let vs a little define Drunkennesse. Drunkennesse is a vice which stirreth vp lust, greefe, anger and madnesse, extinguisheth the memory, opinion and vnderstanding, maketh a man the picture of a beast, and twice a childe, because hee can neither stand nor speake. Drunkennesse is the mother of outrages, the matter of fables, the root of crimes, the fountaine of vice, the intoxicator of the head, the quelling of the senses, the tempest of the tongue, the storme of the body, the shipwracke of chastitie, losse of time, voluntary madnesse, the filthinesse of manners, the disgrace of life the corruption of the Soule; if there were no more to bee spoken against it, me thinkes this should bee enough to deterre any Christian heart from this beastly sinne.

I would I had now a chaire with a backe and a soft cushion, that I might sit mee downe to laugh at the whore-master: but especially at him that they call Senex Fornicator, an old Fishmonger, that many yeeres since ingrost the French pox, the which although he sometimes vsed to vent in secret amongst his friends; yet hee will not so disfurnish himselfe, but that he will reserue sufficient for his owne store, and the rather to conceale his commodity in priuate, and would not haue it to be openly knowen, he shelters them vnder strange deuised titles; sometimes he calls them the Gowt, sometimes the Sciatica, and thus disguising them vnder these false applyed names, he shamefully slandreth and belieth the pox.

There be some others yet of a better disposition,He shall not bee accounted a Gentleman, if that he doth not carry this marke of the pox about him, and you shall commonly know him, for hee goeth as though he trod on egges, and he neuer rides on a trotting horse. that doe detest this fraudulent manner of dealing, that when they haue made some pretty shift to get the pox, they do set them forth to open shew, and finding them to be sociable, familiar and conuersant amongst Knights and Gentlemen, will grace them with a wrought night cap, yet not in any deceitfull manner, whereby to couzen his Maiesties subiects, but will so lay them open to euerie mans view, that you shall see their [Page] true pictures in diuers parts of the face, but especially at the nose: he doth not so hide them, but you shall discerne them by his complexion, by his snuffling in his speech, his nose is commonly as flat as a bowling alley, by his very gate as hee passeth and repasseth by you. If a Dogge doth chance to hit him ouer the shinns with his taile, he cries Oh, and perhaps, raps out an oath or two.

You shall neuer see him play any match at the foot-ball, or to win any wagers at running, or leaping; he may somtimes dance the measures, but these Carrantoes and Scottish giggs are out of his element: heere is plaine dealing, and it should seeme these poxes are honestly come by, when they are not hidden, but are thus layd open to euery mans view.

But soft and faire, let mee now pause a little, for it stands mee vpon to take good heede how I raise the crie against the Blasphemer, hee that will snarle and swagger, as though hee meant to kill the olde one; hee that will rumble out oathes like thunder or canon-shot, and will sometimes burst into such a vaine of swearing, as if hee meant to make the powers of Heauen to shake and to tremble. They haue such excuses for their swearing; first, it graceth their speech, & is an ornament to their phrase. Secondly, it is a generall custome, the most part vse it, and few or none refraine it. Thirdly, they doe it from no bad minde, no wicked intent. Lastly, if they doe sweare, they are but small oathes, and therefore to bee borne withall; but looke vnto it wicked blasphemer, if God be not mercifull, thou wilt finde none so little but deepe enough, none so light but heauy enough, none so small but great enough to send thee downe into hell. Heere you may see what these damned for sworne Diuells of hell pretend for their diuellish act of swearing.

But I care not if I tell you a history, which was many yeers agoe written in a strange language, but now lately translated out of Essex into English, and thus it followeth.

[...] strange story [...]d true.There was sometimes a father that had three sonnes, who at the time of his death, bequested by his will his whole estate, aswell of lands, as likewise of goods and chattells, to that one of the three, that by reasonable demonstration [Page] could prooue himselfe to be most degenerate and declining, aswell from humanity, as from honestie.

After the death of this well disposed parent, his three sonnes appointed a day of meeting, to determine of their fathers bequest, when comming together, the eldest brother in a short Exordium deliuered his fathers determination, how hee had disposed his whole estate onely to him that could prooue himselfe the most dishonest, the which (sayd hee) I hope I shall neither need to spend many words, nor to bring better testimony, then what your selues doe know, and of your owne consciences will award in my behalfe.

To speake then to the purpose:The first sonnes speech. I am well knowen to you both, to be a common whore-master, that doe wholly encline my selfe to follow harlots, that doe spend, squander and consume my time (day by day, and night after night) my goods, my bodie, my life and my lands, in Brothell-houses, amongst Bawds and Harlots, that are the very sincks of sinne; yea, all I haue, or euer shall bee wotth, so dearely doe I loue these prostituted beastly queanes, that I cannot sleep quietly in my bed for thinking of them;Whores are the Diuells hacknies and let to none but his owne seruants. that as Salomon hath sayd, doe carrie death and damnation about them: These be they that I haue so dedicated my selfe vnto, that neither the feare of God, the shame of the world, nor the admonition of friends is able to restraine me; whom neither the loue of an honest wife, the naturall care of dutifull children, nor the sting of a guilty conscience, can any whit at all mollifie. Tell me now, where shall you finde amongst men a villaine more stained and polluted with loathed filthines, or more to be detested then is the whore-monger? If any of you two can shew your selues to be more degenerating from honesty or humanity, I yeeld vp my right, I make no further claime.

The second brother being now to speake for himselfe, began in this manner:

Brother, I acknowledge all that you haue said to be true,The second brothers speech. and I confesse the whoremonger to be a most vicious villain amongst men: but you haue yet shot short of the mark you aimed at; for you are not so much enclined to follow that [Page] filthy appetite of whoredome and adulterie, but I am as much and more addicted to base and beastly drunkennesse, base and beastly I may well tearme it,A Drunkard is beast and no man. for there is nothing whereby to distinguish a man from a beast, but the vse of reason: for as man hath his being▪ so hath a beast: man hath sense and feeling, beasts haue both: man hath life, beasts haue the like: but man hath the gift of reason, the only euidence he hath to shew that he is a man and not a beast. Now a drunkard hath lost his euidence, for he hath neither the vse of reason, of wit, nor of honesty; he is fit for no good companie, nor godly exercise amongst men; and amongst beasts, he is more loathsome and filthy then is a hog, that amongst beasts that are filthy, is yet the most filthy. Yea, there is nothing so pleasing vnto me as the pot & tobacco-pipe, which makes mee haue a great paunch, my face set with rich carbuncles, my nose pimpled like holly berries, there is no newes so welcome, so pleasing, as Come shall we goe drinke, for a pot of old march-beere and a cup of sacke, will make my nose the riper: and this is my delight from day to weeke, and from weekes to yeeres, and heerein I take my whole delight.

This (I hope) may then suffice, that although the whore-master be a creature that is most to be detested and abhorred amongst men, yet the common drunkard, being a beast, and no man, is most digressing, as well from the bounds of humanity, as from the rules of honesty: and therefore as our prouident father hath by his will determined, the inheritance must be mine.

The younger brother, that was now lastly to speake, began in this manner:

The third brothers speech.Brother whoremaster, & brother drunkard, I haue heard the allegations that you haue hitherto alledged for your selues, and I haue had much adoe to forbeare swearing: yet thus farre I concurre with you both, that the whoremonger amongst men is the most vicious, and therefore the most to be abhorred and detested: and the drunkard I doe thinke indeed to be a filthy beast, not worthy to beare the name of a man: but if your owne positions be good, the inheritance is [Page] mine. But brother whoremaster, you thinke to carry away the prize, because you are the most loathed creature amongst men: And brother drunkard, you thinke to defeat mee, because you are the most filthy amongst beasts; but I tell you in few words, and a little thing would make mee to sweare, the right is mine, and I will haue it, that am neither man nor beast, but a damned Fiend of hell, a Diuell incarnate,A Blasphemer is a limb of the Diuell. accursed by Gods owne mouth. Zownds, a common blasphemer is a creature more pernicious, then either man or beast.

It is I that doe set that tongue, which by the right of creation should be the trumpet to sound forth the glorie of God, I doe make it the instrument to prophane and blaspheme his holy name; to sweare by his wounds, and by his bloud, by his heart, by his guts, by his side, by his body, by his soule.

Can any Diuell of hell shew himselfe to be more aduerse? Giue ouer therefore your further claimes, for the inheritance belongeth to me, it is I that am a bondslaue to the Diuell, a fire brand of hell, a wretch that is most accursed, it is I that am all this, and therefore it is I that must inherit.

Thus farre my Historie, and I thinke of my conscience this last of the three brethren had the best right to that his father had bequested, for amongst the sonnes of men, there is not a more accursed, then is the blasphemer.

But now it is accounted a Gentleman-like humor in him that can sweare ex tempore, for matters of no moment, and they say it is a signe of courage: but to speake the truth, it is a signe that hee is a reprobate wretch, forsaken of God, that doth vse it: and as his life is detestable, so his death will bee damnable.

What swearing and forswearing againe amongst Marchants, amongst Shop-keepers, and amongst all manner of Trades-men, in buying, in selling, in bargaining, in promise-making, and yet what little regard in the keeping of an oath? We sweare by the liuing Lord, by the power of God, the eternitie of God, the maiestie of God, the life, the death of God; then we diuide our God, to rend him in sunder with whole volleyes of oathes, as his heart, his bloud, his flesh, his [Page] sides, his wounds, his hands, his nailes, his feet, his toes, and all the parts of his precious body: a wicked impudent age, that any people vnder the face of heauen should dare to presume thus to sweare and forsweare our selues, regarding not our oathes, hauing store of Gods iust iudgements on such wicked blaspheming wretches daily set before our eyes for examples vnto vs, and wee regard them not, neither amend our sinfull liues.

The Turkes and Infidells are more respectiue to obserue an oath that they doe make in the name of their Mahomet, then we that be Christians, when wee sweare by the name of the liuing God.

Our Gallants haue deuised strange oathes, most fearefull to name, such as were neuer inuented, but by some damned forsworne fiend of hell; and when they are at gaming, to heare them thunder forth these oathes, would make a Christians heart to tremble. Nay, he is thought to be but an vnthrift, that will not forge, faine, flatter, sweare and forsweare for his owne aduantage.

The breaking of an oath that is made betweene party and party, is accounted to be no periurie: nay, whole millions of oathes that are vowed in the performance of promises, that are neuer kept, is accounted no dishonesty.

If mens words, and deeds, and thoughts, did concurre in one, we should vndoe the Lawyers, neither should we need so many Scriueners to write obligations.

I my selfe doe know a great number of men in the world, that are called honest men, yet I know but a very few (if it were vpon a payment of money) but I had rather take his bond, then his booke-oath.

An vngracious age of ours this same, that if wee forbeare from doing euill, it is more for the feare of punishment, then for the loue of vertue.

Mens honesties are now measured by the Subsidy-book; he that is rich is honest, and the more a man doth abound in wealth, so much the more he doth exceed, and that as well in honesty, as in wit.

Hee that hath great friends, hath no faults; but hee that is [Page] poore (if he be honest) I warrant him he will neuer be rich, for the time doth not serue for men to gather wealth by any honest precepts.

We doe looke ascew at vertue, when vice shall be saluted with cap and curtesie; and Arts and Sciences must now dance attendance, and waite vpon ignorance: and he that cannot sometimes grease a foole with praises, may (peraduenture) die wise, but neuer wealthy.

We purchase lands, and we build vp houses with the ruines of the Church, with the sinnes of the people, with the sweat of other mens browes, with periury, with bribery, with oppression, with extortion: it makes no matter how we get, nor how we liue, when at the time of our death, we may haue an Epitaph, or a Funerall Sermon, when amongst a thousand sinnes that we haue committed, euen shamefull to bee spoken, yet if we haue done but one good deed be it neuer so litle, yet it shall be devulgated and extolde in a greater measure, then that of Curtius, when he offered himself into the deuouring gulfe for the safety of his Countrey: yet whilst we liue, we doe make shew to haue great regard to our good names, that haue no care at all to our consciences: We daily see the rich Landlord doth grinde the faces of the poore Tenants by cruell oppression, extortion, and miserable seruitude: for the poore Tenant must be at command, vnder his most tyrannous Landlord. This proud deformed wormes-meat, that whores, drinks, playes, sweares, and swaggers, that consumes body and soule, lands and life, nay hee will vndoe a whole hundred of honest poore men, to maintaine his detested and loathed appetite. But looke vnto it, thou whose guilty conscience doth tell thee thy faults are apparent, and God doth heare the cry of the poore, who daily heapeth curses vpon thy vicious soule, for thy cruelty too largely executed vpon them.

But they are worthy to haue the Hubbub, and to bee well laughed at, that cannot cut out their owne consciences, either litle or large, short or long, or of what size or fashion they list: they may learne of the Wolfe, that being inioyned by his ghostly Father to fast, and for foure & twenty houres [Page] to eat no more flesh then in his conscience did exceede the value of three halfe-pence;The wolfes conscience and the Vsurers are much alike. the Wolfe departing homeward, meeting with a sheepe and a lambe, valued the sheepe in his conscience to be worth a penny, and the lambe a halfe-penny, & so with a safe conscience he deuoured them both: And he that will liue in this world, and cannot learne of the Wolfe to square out a large conscience, will neuer grow fat.

It is but our owne denying or misdenying, that makes or marres the matter. A strong faith helps all: the lesson is not new, Crede quod habes & habes, the Preist taught it long ago to a yong scholler that came to borrow his horse.

But it is a pretty thing this conscience, I confesse, and it is good for a man to carry about him, when he goes to church; but he that doth vse it in Faires or Markets, will die a begger, sayes this wise world.

I am moued with commiseration toward the poore Country-man, that dwels too neere him that is rich, whom he shall finde to be so sharpe-sighted, that he shall reape no commoditie, but he will haue both an eye and a longing to it: and then if he be denyed, the poore man shall finde himselfe ill neighboured. Would you haue a president? I will not be curious: There was sometimes a poore Farmer, who dwelling neere a Gentleman,But although the Countryman cannot spare his Oxe, yet the Iustice often hath the horne. a Iustice of peace, that would haue bought a yoke of Oxen, which this Farmer could not spare, and therfore vpon necessitie was driuen to make deniall; wherevpon Master Iustice conceiued such displeasure, that after this repulse, the poore man found himselfe to bee continually crossed and disturbed, and from time to time, so many wayes wronged, that he came to this Gentleman to seeke iustice,Beware the Iustice, Countreyman. whom he found still to be rather supporting those that did oppresse him, then seeming any wayes to render him right: but perceiuing at the length the truth from whence it grew, in a submissiue manner he came to Master Iustice: Why (said the Iustice) do you thinke me to be your enemy? Alas (said the Farmer) I do feele the smart of it, and am come in this humble manner to beseech your good will: Why then (said the Iustice) you see I can bite though I do not barke. I do see and feele it (quoth the [Page] Farmer) but Sir, if I had a Dogge of that condition, I protest I would hang him as soone as I came home.

There be many such curs in the world now in these daies, that can both bite and whine, many of them more regarded for the authority they beare, then for any goodnesse is in them: but I will now giue the Hubbub to him that will buy an office: and yet I thinke the buying of an office, and the buying of a dignity are much alike, they are both attained vnto by corruption. And vertue betweene them is betrayed, and bought and sold for money; but since offices hath bin set to sale, to Quicunque vult, the Prince and Commonwealth hath bin the worse serued.

The time hath bin when he that would seeke to buy an office, was thought vnworthy to beare an office, but the buying and selling of offices, and the giuing & taking of bribes, are two pernicious euils: and that Common-wealth may be thought most blessed, where offices are giuen to the vertuous, but not sold to the rich, that doe seeke by their money but to oppresse vertue. There is not a more dangerous thing then to put an office into his hand that is both wise and wicked, or to arme him with power & authority that is of a couetous disposition; the eye of wisdom, that in former ages would looke into these enormities, was very vigilant and carefull to preuent them, and prouided Lawes, whereby to bridle (not onely these) but diuers other abuses, which from time to time were hatched vp.

Lycurgus made a Law against drunkennesse, Augustus Caesar against pompous buildings, the Lucanes against prodigality, the Lacedemonians against excesse in apparell, the Aegyptians against whoredome, the Thebanes against negligent Parents, that brought vp their children in idlenesse and insolency. And God be thanked for it, wee want no good Lawes in England, whereby to restraine all manner of abuses; but the examples of a godly life,The golden Law is the best. in those that should minister the due execution of those Lawes, would be more effectuall then the Lawes themselues; but some of them are rather inclined to their owne priuate profit, then the publique commodity, and can be contented to tolerate in others, [Page] those vices that themselues are addicted to.

Iustice is made blind by bribery: and authority daily abused.In the olde time they vsed to picture Iustice blindfold, with a vaile before hir eyes, signifying, that Iustice should not see the parties between whom shee was to distribute, but should performe hir office with equity and right, without any respect of persons, but now they haue put hir eyes quite out, and haue likewise made her deafe, she can neither heare nor see. I thinke they haue peckt out hir eyes with Capons, that were wont to bee brought vnto hir by couples, and sometimes by halfe dozens: I cannot say how she should be come to be so deafe, vnlesse by the neighing of Coach horses, or the rumbling of Coaches: And Iustice hath her eares many times poysoned with vngracious tales that be whispered vnto her: or how it comes to passe I know not, but blind & deafe they haue made hir, she can neither heare nor see the pride, the adultery, the drunkennesse, the bawdery, the bribery, the popery, the impiety, shee cannot see a Recusant, a Preist, a Papist, a Iesuite, our abhominations runne currant, without controulment, for alas Iustice is bereaued the vse of her senses, shee can neither heare nor see.

She can a little smell, and she can sometimes vent a horse, a hawke, a hogshead of wine, sugar, spice, flesh, fish, fowle, or any thing that comes vnder the name or title of a present.

She cannot indure the name of a bribe, he that offers hir a bribe, she thinks him a foole, but for presents let them bring them till their backs do ake, she will make them more weary in giuing, then shee will be in taking.

I would be glad to fortifie my speeches with some example, although not of the time present, yet of the time past, and I remember a matter that I thinke will serue my turne, I cannot set you downe the yeere of our Lord, the day of the moneth, the certaine place or country, nor the names of the parties by whom it was acted, but true it is, and if reports may bee beleeued, and for a truth it hath passed many yeeres ago.

There was sometimes (in what Countrey I know not) but a Magistrate there was, but amongst many controuersies that were depending before him, there was one had bin of that [Page] continuance, that the plaintiffe [...] his better speed, bestowed a hogshead of choice wine vpon this Magistrate for a present, whereof the defendant hauing gotten intelligence, to outwaigh his aduersaries hogshead of wine, he presented this Magistrate with a very faire horse,There be many men in authoritie of the Welsh mans minde, they had rather haue one eleuen shilling peece then all the Angells in heauen. which was likewise accepted and receiued: the plaintiffe vnderstanding of this horse thus giuen, began to despaire of his owne successe, thinking his hogshead of wine to be but lost, bethought himselfe yet to goe drinke some part of it, before it were all spent, and with this determination had himselfe to dinner to this Magistrate, where diuers other guests being at the Table, and tasting of this wine, which they felt to be good, they began to praise and commend it one to the other, onely this Gentleman that had giuen it drunke apace amongst the rest, without any word speaking either in praise or dispraise, which the Magistrate himselfe noting and marking, with a smiling countenance began to cheere vp his guest, saying vnto him, mee thinks I heare euery body praising my wine, but you your selfe; you say nothing to it, I would heare you say it were good. The Gentleman that had the horse still sticking in his stomacke, answered him in the best English he could speake, I sai [...], [...]d tooke to [...] was [...] was makest [...] a [...].

They all began to laugh at this Gentlemans to ad conceit, that did thinke a horse had bin drowned in the wine, but the Magistrate that best vnderstood his English would moue no further speeches, but let the matter passe. How the Gentleman sped after in his sute, I cannot tell; for we see the world is come to that passe, that amongst those that doe follow sutes in Law, he is commonly thought to haue most right, that is able to giue most money.

For some Lawyers cannot speake till their tongues be ript with gold, they had rather haue one eleuen shilling peece then all the Angels in heauen. Then is not this a miserable age, when money makes new law, not honest Lawyers. We haue so many P [...]dous in these dayes, that can alter the case, and for their owne [...], will rule: money to set men at strife and variance, and hees but a foolish Lawyer, that cannot [Page] empty his Clyents purse, before he end his sute.

There is no Law, be it neuer so legitimate or truely begotten, which with wrested glozes and subtle expositions they cannot bastardize.

They are pugnantia inter se, there is no agreement amongst them, but what one confirmes to day, to morrow another will frustrate. And we haue as many petty-foggers, tramplers of the Law, that doe much wrong the Lawes of the land, that want both law, wit and honesty, that liue only by setting their neighbours together by the eares, and then they prey vpon the poore ignorant people, they are as bad in a Common-wealth, as moths in a garment.

There be some Lawyers more wise then honest, they come vp to London with an empty capcase, and the Clyent with a full capcase, but before the last Returne of the Terme, the money is all in the Lawyers capcase, and in requitall he stuffes the Clyents capcase with rotten papers:HELL a Tauerne neere Westminster Hall. and this fellow is so conuersant with the Diuell, that euery day he goes to Hell to breakfast.

There be many miracles assigned to Saints, that (they say) are good for all diseases, they can giue sight to the blinde, make the deafe to heare, they can restore limbs that be cripled, and make the lame to goe vpright, they be good for Horse, for Swine, and many other beasts. And women are not without their shee Saints, to whom they doe implore when they would haue children, and for a quick deliuerance when they be in labour.

They haue Saints to pray to, when they be greeued with a third day ague, when they be pained with the tooth-ach, or when they would be reuenged of their angry husbands.

They haue Saints, that be good amongst Poultry, for Chickins when they haue the pip, for Geese when they doe fit, to haue a happy successe in Goslings. And to be short, there is no disease, no sicknesse, no greefe, either amongst men or beasts, that hath not his Physician among the Saints: And this is the cause (as may be supposed) why Physicians haue not so large commings in as Lawyers: for there is no controuersie or sute in Law, be it neuer so litle, neuer so iust, [Page] neuer so honest, that hath either Hee-Saint, or Shee-Saint to defend or befrend it: Some will say, that it is a signe of a licentious Common-wealth, where Lawyers and Physicians haue too great imployments; and I thinke indeed, they are most happy, that haue least to do with any of them both.

I will not meddle with our Ministery, that I thinke of my conscience, were neuer more reuerently to be regarded then at this present, and that as well for their knowledge, as learning; yet notwithstanding the sinceritie of Hely, his proud sonnes deserued the Hubbub: and there is nothing wherein some of our Diuines may be so much detected, as in giuing so much way to their childrens pride.

I had thought here to haue ended my discourse, and to haue woond vp my merriment with this old perclose, And thus I bid you hartily farewell, the winding vp of euery ordinary letter, but as I was dipping my pen to haue taken vp inke, I heard a muttering of mens voices, as they were passing through the streets, and looking out at a window, I saw foure young Roaring Boyes, that (I thinke) were new come from some Ordinarie, the one with a coloured feather in his hat; the other I marked well, had a long lowsie locke hung dangling by his eare, like a Derry Irish Glybei: the third was in a yellow starcht band, that made him to looke as if he had bin troubled with the yellow iaundis: the fourth had a short sword, like that which we were wont to call an Ale-house Dagger, and that was trussed close to his side with a scarfe; they were all foure in white bootes, and gilt spurres, and they were consulting as they went along, how they might spend the afternoone: The one gaue his verdict to go see a Play: a second aduised rather to goe to Tables or Cards, two against two for a quart or two of sacke: the third thought it better, that they might goe recreate themselues a litle in a bawdy house: but the fourth sware a great oath, that if they would go with him, he would bring them to the best pipe of Tobacco, that euer came out of the West Indies.

This was the man to whom they all assented, the very sound of A pipe of Tobacco, made them all to run, as Swine to the draffe, when they heare the Maide begin to knocke [Page] vpon the end of the Hogs trough. They say the Welchmen came all running out of Heauen, when they heard one without the gate, crying, Gasse bobby, Gasse bobby; but I thinke our Englishmen would run as fast into Hell, if they did but heare a voice crying out, A pipe of Tobacco.

But away these Gentlemen went together, and I began to wonder how a filthy stinking Antidote could so bewitch men to forget themselues.

In former ages, Gentlemen and Knights at their merry meetings were wont to spend the time in honest recreation; sometimes in gaming, or other pleasant sporting; sometimes in manly exercises, and indeuours of actiuitie; sometimes in braue discoursings, in matters of wit and learning; but how there is no musick pleasing, but the pot, and the Tobacco pipe.

O base conditioned time, is wit so farre spent amongst Knights and Gentlemen, that they can imploy it to no better indeuours, but to imitate that abuse, which is so common with euery Ostler, with euery Tapster, with euery Tinker, with euery Costermonger, with euery Horse-boy: and to conclude, that is in such vse and custome with euery rogue and rascall.

Me thinks the very community should make knowne the vanity: for vertue was neuer knowne yet to be imbraced by the multitude.

But they will say, there are both wise and learned, that do vse to take Tobacco; hey more, there are none will take it faster then some Physicians, that be accounted most learned.

And there be as wise and learned, that could neuer bee brought to meddle with it, and there be many wise men, that of my knowledge (for the little good they haue found in it) haue giuen it ouer: And for those Physitians that will take Tobacco so fast, they haue (as other men) many faults worse then that, vnffit for wise men to imitate, I will therefore make them no president, and Physicians are commonly accounted to be so much the more learned, that can best flatter fooles in their folly. But I haue heard as wise, as learned, and as honest Physicians as any be in England, that haue said Tobacco [Page] hath both killed and shortned many men liues.

But let vs goe to experience, [...] of former ages,Tobacco hath shortned many a mans life, and brought many good mans heire to beggery. as of this of ours at this present, that hath taught vs, and still doth teach vs, that those that neuer medled with Tobacco, haue liued, and doe liue in more sound and perfect health, then those that take it fastest, But they will say there bee men of greater regard, then either Physicians, Gentlemen, or Knights that will take Tobacco, and therefore they are much to bee blamed, that will either write or speake against it.

The greater the person is, tanta maius crimen, his example is the more hurtfull, and he is rather to bee pittied for his infirmity, then imitated for his dignitie.

But if the example of greatnes may be a confirmation of matters to make them true or false, then I dare confidently prouounce Tobacco to be the most vaine and idle toy, that euer was brought into vse and custome amongst men, when wee haue a president, of him that is not onely most great,Sir, you are deceiued, for by Tobacco comes red noses, the onely marke of good fellowes. but is likewise most wise, most learned, most worthy, most renowned; yea, and most worthy thus to bee accounted, that hath euermore impugned, detested and abhorred Tobacco.

Let them then giue ouer to vaunt of their wise and learned men, and let them take the folly to themselues, that like Spiders, can draw poison to hurt themselues, that can bribe their owne wits to flatter their owne follies, that are carried away with the tempestuous whirle-windes of their own affections.

Humours and affections haue a great hand ouer vs, and they doe both place and displace Reason at their pleasure, and where Affection doth hold the Seat and Scepter in the Castle of the Minde, they may ges [...]e at many things, as they are led by opinion, but of very few according to truth: for where the heart is possest with any vehement affection, there Reason is exempt from his proper office, and their iudgement may easily be mistaken, and there is no contending against them, amongst whom Opinion is of such force, as Reason is of no force.

Our sooty-mouthed Tobacconists can candie poyson, and they doe so hugge their owne follies, that they are ready to turne all accidents into arguments, to fit their purpose.

[Page]And this wee doe see by other experiments, that when men haue once besotted themselues vpon a folly, there is neither example of shame, nor perswasion of wit can make them to desist.

Would you haue an instance, for your better confirmation, it is not yet so long since this new-found-out foolery of yellow starcht bands were taken vp, but that it is within the compasse of our owne memories.

And I could heere discouer the names of two seuerall persons that were noted to be the first that were seen with those bables about their neckes in the Court of England,Pride hath ouerthrowen Kingdomes, and brought whole nations to vtter desolation. the one of them being openly reprehended for his folly, was likewise admonished to beware of Gods iudgements, that doth neuer faile to attend on those new Inuenters of vanities, that doth not onely addict themselues vnto monstrous pride, but by their abhominable example doth induce others to doe the like.

And as it was presaged, so it came to passe; for this Gentle-man, vpon some occasion very shortly after being in France, was there brought to an vntimely death, and that by an extraordinarie accident.

The other remaines at this houre a spectacle of Gods heauy displeasure.

Mistris Turners exclamations against yellow starcht bands.Yet the open exclamation that was made by Turners wife at the houre of her death, in the place where shee was executed, cannot be hidden, when before the whole multitude that were there present, shee so bitterly protested against the vanitie of those yellow-starchtbands, that her outcryes (as it was thought) had taken such impression in the hearts of her hearers, that yellow starcht bands would haue beene ashamed (for euer after to haue shewed themselues about the neckes, either of men that were wise, or of women that were honest) but wee see our expectation hath failed vs, for they beganne euen then to bee more generall then they were before. I doe exceedingly admire these idle-headed young Gallants, or ruffianly Roaring-Boyes, how they can walke the streets with one of these base, odious, vgly, beastly bands, this new diuellish inuented fashion, looking as though they [Page] had scaped from the Diuell in hell, and there had scorched his band, where euerie one wonders to see this ape of fashion, and points at him for a foole in this lewd example. Well honest Countrey-women, I bring you good newes: I wish you now to looke vnto your selues; if euer you intend to bee rich, now is the time: You know Tobacco is in great trading; but you shall be Marchants, and only for egges:Marchants for egges. for whereas one pipe of Tobacco will suffice three or foure men at once, now ten or twenty egges will hardly suffice to starch one of these yellow bands: A fashion that I thinke shortly will be as conuersant amongst Taylors, Tapsters,Those that doe follow such idle ridiculous fashions, make their Tennants Freeholders within one twelue-month after their lands comes into their hands. and Tinkers, as now they haue brought Tobacco. But a great Magistrate, to disgrace it, enioyned the Haugman of London to become one of that Fraternitie, and to follow the fashion; and the better to enable him, he bestowed of him some beneuolence to pay for his laundry: And who was now so briske with a yellow feather in his hat, and a yellow starcht band about his necke, walking in the streets of London, as was master Hangman? so that my young Masters, that haue but sithence fallen into that Trimme, they doe but imitate the Hangmans president, the which how ridiculous a matter it is, I will leaue to themselues to thinke on. All that I haue endeauoured, is but to make good what I haue formerly auowed, That a Foole will not bee-brought to leaue his Bable, neither for the shame of the world, nor for the loue of vertue; and of my conscience, if there were yet some other Lobcoculus, that to shew his dexterity of wit, would leaue his yellow, and betake himselfe into greene, red, tawny, or to any other coloured manner of starching, he should haue followers, that would bring it into a fashion: this is a true prouerb, A yellow band and a greene wit. So that as of these yellow starcht bands, I thinke the like of Tobacco, it was first brought into England by some man of little vertue, and afterwards brought into custome by those of lesse wit.

But they say Tobacco is physicall, it is medicinable, it is precious for all manner of diseases, and they doe attribute more vertue to their Tobacco, then Bellarmine doth to his Pope. They say it will make a fat man leane, a leane man [Page] fat: he that hath fill'd his paunch till it be ready to burst, they say a pipe of Tobacco will make him to disgest; hee that wants meat to fill his hungry belly, a pipe of Tobacco is as good a bait, as halfe a dozen of Horse bread for a Carriers horse▪ it is like the Shoo-makers leather, that if your boots be too strait, hee tells you it will reatch; if too wide, hee tels you, it will shrinke. So Tobacco, it is good for encrease, it is good for decrease, it is good to take before meat, it is good to take after meat, it is good to take betweene meales, it is good in the morning, it is good in the euening, it is good at mid-day,The world neuer found out so rare a weed, as these fooles would haue of Tobacco. it is good at mid-night, it is good at all times, at all seasons, in the summer, in the winter, in the heat, in the cold, in the spring, in the fallt it is good for all complexions, for all constitutions, for old men, for young men, for all diseases, proceeding either from hot causes, from cold causes, from drie causes, from moist causes: A man may take it as often as he list, as much as he list, as little as hee list, at the change of the Moone, at the full of the Moone, at the waine of the Moone; vnder euery Signe, vnder euery Planer, vnder euery Aspect, vnder euery Climate. Now if the soueraignty of Tobacco be such, as these men would perswade, either Physicians be Dolts, that doe prescribe vs so many obseruations, or these be notable Fooles that doe thus take it. But the conceit that is holden of Tobacco, how precious it is against the French pox, may make some that doe feele themselues to be distempered, to be the more enclining to it.

Some other againe that be old Fishmongers, and loue to follow the game, doe vse to fish those pooles where they know the pox are easily caught, doe therefore take Tobacco, to preuent perills. But how vnwise art thou, that doest know thy selfe to be free from that loathed sicknesse, and wilt yet be sucking at the Tobacco-pipe, that euery pockie companion hath be slauered before thee, whom wisemen haue euer shonned to drinke withall in one cup? But let them be as free from that disease as they list, hee that is still sucking at the Tobacco-pipe, must yet take the imputation vpon him, that doth seeme with such diligence to seeke out the remedy that is vsed for the cure.

[Page]But I am not so madde to thinke that euery man that doth take Tobacco, doth therefore take it because he feeles himselfe to be diseased; for then if his Maiesty had an imployment but of a small company of men that were healthfull and sound, they would hardly bee found out either in England or in Ireland. But this I thinke, that the greatest number doth take Tobacco more for matter of custome, then for matter of maladie. Yet one thing I haue noted, (marke it he that list) the Tobacconist that is obseruatiue, that prescribeth himselfe set times and houres to take his Tobacco, at those times and houres by himselfe prefixed, will sooner omit his praiers to God, then not performe his owne prescribed ceremony in taking Tobacco: Hee that should bring one of these to the Horse-market in Smithfield, and there offer him to sell, he could not warrant him to be sound of winde and limb, but he must passe among the lades, that men doe vse to put away for some hidden infirmity.

Shall I craue your patience now, and but to speake truly, there is not any man that maketh a custome in taking Tobacco, but he hath some defect either in body or in minde; for hee that doth not take it for the cure of some infirmitie that he feeleth in his body, he hath both a defectiue and foolish mind, that is so ready euery day to choake himselfe with an Indian smoake, so chargeable to his purse, and that without either constraint, cause, or necessity.

Heere I would now craue the censure of Diuinitie, whether this idle vanity, taken with such excesse (whereby the blessings of God are daily abused) be not as hatefull a sinne, and as much offending God, as either drunkennesse or gluttonie? I dare boldly pronounce, this excessiue taking of Tobacco, not only to be foolish, but also to be vngodly, and therefore to bee despised, detested, and abhorred by men, that be either good or godly: and he that doth vse it, vnlesse vpon necessity, as hee shall bee constrained for the curing of some griefe or malady, is to be laughed at, and deserueth the Hubbub.

Tobacco is like a Popes Bull, that Papists doe thinke to be a good discharge of all the sinnes they can commit, from [Page] the meanest to the mainest, from the eating of an egge, to the murdering of a King. The Tobacconist hath the like conceit of his Trinidado, that he thinketh to be a good Supersedeas for all diseases, from the aching of a tooth, to the French pox. The text that I haue taken in hand is but of smoake, and why should I vse any forcible battery against so vaine a vapour? but especially to those that haue dedicated themselues to this idle vanity, that there is no sequestration, that either wit or reason can afford, is able to separate.

Tobacco is the Heathens enriching, and Englands wilfull vndoing, and by the smoake thereof hath dried vp the hand of Iustice she will not doe her duty.I haue formerly sayd, that the first transportation of Tobacco into England, was not performed by any man, that was either of worth, or of any great account: So againe, it neuer grew into credit with any wise or temperate spirits, but (as it were) by an inconsiderate and foolish affectation of nouelties, drawne from a people that are Infidells and Aliens to God, truely reputed to bee the verie refuse of the world. Shall I now speake of the inconueniences that are drawne in by this immoderate taking of Tobacco?

What reuerent tearmes might I then vse, whereby to expresse the vnciuill behauiours of old Tobacconists? whilest they are sucking at their Tobacco-pipe, their slauering without regard of modesty, their spitting, their spawling, the vncleanlinesse of the sight, the loathsomnesse of the stincke.

First, it is drawne in at the mouth, then it is snuffled out at the nose, whereby the aire is infected with such a loathsome fume, that those that bee standers by cannot draw their breath, but they must sucke downe some of that filthy vapour, that hath beene blowne out, if not through a pockie nostrill, yet (for the most part) through a snotty nose.

And were it not as good manners for such an vnciuill chimny-nosed Tobacconist, to spit in a mans face, as to puffe out his filthy vapor where it flies into a mans mouth? I might yet speak of the idlenes, the drunkennes, the swearing, the swaggering, the blasphemings, & of many other like enormities, that are all drawne in by this insatiable taking of Tobacco.

Amongst the rest, I cannot forget to commiserate poore distressed Ladies and Gentle-women, that among the creatures of Gods making, are of the most delicate & pure constitution, [Page] that must subiect themselues to the base & barbarous customes of these rude and vnciuill Tobacconists, that doth so pollute and perfume themselues with this loathsome and filthy stuffe, that a woman were as good to thrust her nose into a close stoole, as to smell the vnsauoury sent of her husbands stinking breath. If Nature had made mee a woman, as she hath done a man, I cannot tell how I might haue prooued in honesty, but I would haue beene one of the coyest female creatures, that euer knit a paire of browes in anger, but especially to these Tobacco-Knights, I would haue banisht them my company, they might sometimes (peraduenture) haue talked with me before folkes, but I would haue blest my selfe from their further acquaintance.

I haue talked so long of this filthy Antidote, that it hath made mee almost forget my good manners. The time hath beene, when if we did speake of such loathsome stuffe, wee vsed to put a sir reuerence before, but wee forget our good orders: and the best is, I speake but to such as are vnmannerly in the taking of it, as I am in the speaking of it. Let vs therefore set the Hares head against the Goose gyblets, if they will tax mee for my vnreuerent words, I will tax them for their vnciuill deeds.

I remember a pretty iest of Tobacco. That was this. A certaine Welch-man comming newly to London, and beholding one to take tobacco, neuer seeing the like before, and not knowing the manner of it, but perceiuing him vent smoake so fast, and supposing his inward parts to be on fire: cried out, O Ihesu, Ihesu man, for the passion of Cod hold, for by Cods spludty snowts on fire, and hauing a bowle of beere in his hand, threw it at the others face to quench his smoking nose. If they grow angry, and will say I am a foole, I will laugh the faster, and will say, there are not onely but also: It is a good Decorum for a man, to sute his words according to his subiect. I haue hitherto spent my breath but to smoke [...] Tobacconists, I will now conuert my speeches [...] be of wisdome and iudgement, to those that [...] away with their owne affections, but tha [...] [...] distinguish betweene good and euill, truth and [...] [Page] and vice: to them I say; There is no man that doth vse to take Tobacco, but he must take vpon him the imputation of some disease, or else hee must acknowledge himselfe to be a foole: for (besides the chargeable expences, which drawes deep in his purse that plies it a pace) who would endure the vnsauoury taste, the loathsome smell, the vnseemly sight, whilst they are in taking of it, but for the cure of some infirmity? And by the rules of Physicke, there is no cure to be vsed, but where there is cause: Now what hidden vertue a smoakie vapour may haue for the curing of all diseases is much to be doubted, or why should we not rather suspect it to bee more hurtfull then helpfull. There needes no other probation but this: It is smoake, and I neuer heard that smoke was good for any thing, vnlesse to dry red herring. It is naught in the Kitchin, it is worse in the Chamber, but for this smoake of Tobacco, the hatefulnesse of the smell doth argue the Antipathie it hath against Nature: Now if the disease be but a Cough, a Colde, a Rheume, a Distillation, or some such other like slight infimity (as the Tobacconist will acknowledge none that be more loathsome) the medicine then (in euerie wise consideration) is much more noysome then is the malady. I will not say but that Tabacco may be medicinable for some diseases, and men that haue infirmities (if they finde ease in it) may take and vse it as an Apothecaries Drugge: but if all bee diseased that doe vse to take Tobacco, God help England, it is wonderfully infected, and his Maiestie hath but a few subiects that be healthfull in his whole dominions.

But this excessiue and immoderate taking of it without necessity, is not onely a sinne before God, but a great shame in the sight of all good men, and there is no sinne that deserueth more bitterly to be reprehended, nor no shame that is more to bee mocked and scorned. And now to speake truely what it is that maketh mee so bitterly to inueigh against Tobacco. If it would please the Reader aduisedly to consider what a masse of money is yeerely blowne away in the Tobacco pipe,It hath been accounted the sum that may bie spent in England in one yeere in Tobacco is sue hundreth and nineteene thousand three hundred seuenty fiue pounds, all spent in smoake, besides priuate spendings, besides Gentlemens [...], and Tauernes, Innes, and Ale-houses He that giueth to the poore, lendeth to the Lord. what huge summes of treasure are consumed in smoke within his Maiesties dominions, it would be [Page] found a matter sufficient to giue a yearely releefe to 2000. thousand poore people that doe now swarme in Cities, Townes, and Countries, crying out but for a peece of bread to those that will spend pounds in their stinking Tobacco, that will not giue two pence to those poore creatures that God himselfe hath recommended vnto vs to be comforted, cherished, and [...]elecued.

But we haue locked vp our doores, and barred out mercy, and we haue set open the broad gate to let in ambitious pompe, excessiue pride, and needlesse ryot: how sparing we be in that which God hath commanded, to giue vnto the poore? how prodigall againe in the seruice of the Diuell, to spend vpon Tobacco? He that giueth to the poore, putteth out for a large interest: God himselfe stands bound as well for the vse as for the principall. And he that thus lendeth, is sure to be repayed, not with ten in the hundred, but with a hundred for ten. How happy is he then that is open-handed to giue to the poore? It is a small substance, that cannot afford some pittance, if it be but a mite, and he that can finde out a penny for a pipe of Tobacco, might finde out some modicum to giue vnto the poore: and thrice accursed is that outward brauery, that is not accompanied with some inward pitty: and he which spendeth all in Tobacco shall keepe nothing but rottennesse and smoake for his money.

I would be loath now to shew my selfe ingratefull, to forget the place wherein I haue had so long residence, I meane the Realme of Ireland, from whence I learned first to giue the Hubbub, & where I hope I shall find some assistance that will helpe to raise the cry, some vpon cause of merriment, some vpon cause of greife, some that will laugh full merrily, some that will weepe as bitterly, some perhaps that may weepe Irish, but some againe that will weepe good English.

Amongst many occasions whereby the Hubbub is raised in Ireland, there is not any one more inducing at this present then that of Pride, Of Pride. that within this sixteene or twenty yeeres is crept into Ireland, and growne into that excesse, that the Hubbub thereby is arreared, and that as well in mourning as in mirth. There is not a people vnder the face of Heauen, [Page] that be of a more haughty & proud spirit then are the Irish: The Irish are naturally proud. proud mindes they haue euer had, but for any pride in their apparell, they neuer knew what it meant, till they learnt it from the English. It was a great dainties within these very few yeeres, euen amongst their greatest Nobilitie, to see a cloake lined thorow with Veluet, they were not acquainted with any great store of Sattin suites, they did not glister in gold and siluer lace, they were not acquainted with a paire of silke stockings, they had no Veluet Saddles, nor the greatest number of them so much as a paire of bootes to draw on when they were to ride. For their Ladies and Gentlewomen (euen those that were of the most great and honourable houses) they little knew what belonged to this frizling, and this curling of haire:These be euery Chambermaids attire, and odicus in the sight of all modest & honest women. and for this lowsie commoditie of perywigs, they were not knowne to the Ladies of Ireland, they were not acquainted with these curling sticks, setting sticks, smoothing yrons, they knew not what to make of a Picadilly, they neither vsed pouldring nor painting stuffe, they knew not what a Coach meant, nor scarse a side saddle, till they learnt them from the English: The onely pride of the Irish was in hospitality and good-house-keeping, in spending amongst their fellowes, and giuing entertainment. He that was a Countryman (euen of the meanest sort) would haue beene ashamed to sell either corne, cattell, or any manner of victuall,When Pride came vp staires, Hospitality ran out at window. but to spend it in his house. Of all imputations, they could not indure to be reputed for churles, they thought it a greater defamation to be called a Churle, then to be called a Traytor.

But it is our English brauery, that hath eaten vp our Irelands hospitality; for Pride and Hospitality could neuer yet dwell together vnder one roofe. It is Pride that hath expelled Charity, it hath conuerted our frugalitie into misery, our plenty into penury: they haue learned of the English, to breake vp house-keeping, to racke their rents, to oppresse their Tenants, and all to maintaine pride.

If I should speake of the enormitie in a particular manner, that within this sixteene or twenty yeeres hath bin hatched vp in Ireland together with this pride, my wits would [Page] not serue me to set them downe as they deserue; I will therefore imitate the Painter, that was to figure forth the picture of the sorrowfull Agamemnon, who wanting skill to expresse the dolorous aspect of his heauy countenance, drew a vaile ouer his face, leauing it to the discretion of the beholder, to conceiue by imagination of that greefe, which himselfe was not able with his pensill to manifest.

We haue for these many yeeres, by a most gracious gouernment, inioyed the fruits of a most happy & quiet peace: but according to an old obseruation, Peace brings plenty, Plenty brings pride, and Pride in the end is it that brings in penury.

I will now a litle accompany the Irish to giue the Hubbub with them that do merrily laugh, to see some women that are but lately dropt out of an Ale-house; some that are but new crept out of a Laundry; and some that were scarse able to pay for the hyre of a Carriers horse, to bring them from London to Chester, that are now pranked vp in that pomp, in that pride, in that brauery, and do take that state vpon them, that we are not able to know those Ladies & Gentlewomen, neither English nor Irish that are of honorable estate, both by birth and calling, from these proud and new vpstart changelings, that neuer knew what Gentry ment, neither themselues, nor their mothers before them: we cannot know the worthy from the vnworthy, the woman of vndetected life, from hir that hath bin tainted: the best marke is, she that by birth was most base, will shew her selfe to be most proud; and she that hath greatest cause to blush, will shew her selfe be most bold and presumptuous; he that hath but one eye may see this, it is visible to euery vnderstanding.

They be these that haue filled Ireland so full of new fashions, by their strange alterations in their Ruffes, in their Cuffs, in their huffes, in their puffes, in their muffes, and in many other vanities, that Ireland was neuer acquainted withall, till these women brought them vp.

Hee that should haue come to a Lady in Ireland, but some fiue or six yeeres sithence, and haue asked her if shee would haue had a Shaparowne, shee would haue thought [Page] he had spoken bawdy, and would haue wondred what hee had meant.

They are now conuersant to euery Chamber-maide, and shee that came but lately out of a kitchin, if her Husband doth beare an office (how meane soeuer) if she be not suted in hir Shaparowne, in hir loose hanging gowne, in hir peticoates of sattin, yea and of veluet, that must be garded with siluer or gold lace, from the knee downe to the foote, her Husband may happen to heare of it, and (peraduenture) to fare the worse till she be prouided: for at euery meale shee will giue him so many pout-pasties, and carpe pies, that shee will make him weary of his life.

The Peacocke when he marcheth in his maiesty, setting vp his glorious taile to behold his owne beauty, yet in his greatest pride and presumption, when hee beholdeth his blacke feete, he plucketh downe his plumes with shame and disgrace: but our Ladies and Gentlewomen haue well enough prouided that their blacke feete shall neuer offend them, and therefore they doe weare shooes of all manner of colours: yet when they be in their greatest prime of pride, if they would but looke backe into their own pedigree, they would come tumbling downe with Icarus, from the height of their presumption.

But his Maiestie full little knowes what harme he doth to poore women, when he makes them Ladies: Alas for pitty, a woman is no sooner Ladified, but she hath lost the vse of hir legges for euer after; she is presently become so lame and decrepit, that she cannot go to Church if she haue not a Coach: And then the good Knight her Sir Timothy Twirlepipe. Husband (vpon meere loue and pitty) either begges from the King, or proules from the Countrey, to helpe to maintaine his poore lame legg'd Lady. But I am glad yet that I haue some good newes to impart amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen of Ireland, and they shall haue them, as I heard them, be they true or false, and thus they follow.

There was now lately, and now but very lately, amongst some other warlike prouisions that were sent out of England into Ireland for his Maiesties store, there passed alongst the [Page] streets of Dublyn towards the Castle, three carts together laden only with shouels and spades, which a yong Gentleman espying, called to another that was likewise standing fast by, & demanded of him, to what vse so many shouels & spades might be imployed, which he thought were enough, if they meant to digge an high way downe to Hell: Nay (said the other) there is another maner of imployment for them then you speak of; for it is intended there shall be a faire Coachway made to Heauen, that is now so ouer-growne & choked vp, that there hath not a Coach passed that way, since Eliah rode thither in his fiery Chariot, but now there is some hope the way will be mended. I thought the iest somewhat profane, yet the newes would be a great ease for Ladies and Gentlewomen, that are growne so lame, that they cannot trauell on foot, that so they might go to Heauen as easily as they do vse to ride to Church.

I might speake of some other vices, the rather exceeding amongst the Irish, by the ill example of the English: And although the Irish haue vices enow of their owne, they need no incouragement to sin, yet Ireland for these many yeares hath bin the receptacle for our English ronnagates, that for their mis-led liues in England, do come running ouer into Ireland, some for murther, some for theft, some that haue spent themselues in ryot & excesse, are driuen ouer for debt, some come running ouer with other mens goods, some with other mens wines, but a great number now lately, that are more hurtfull then all the rest, and those be Recusants.

And for people that be of these dispositions, Ireland hath little need to be supplied from any place, that is so well replenished with it owne store, that it is better able to lend to others, then needfull to borrow of any. But amongst these gracelesse men, there haue bin as vngracious and wicked women, that when by their misled liues, they haue infamed and made themselues so notorious, that they were become odious to all honest company in England, haue then transported themselues into Ireland, where they haue so insinuated themselues amongst our Ladies and Gentlewomen, and not so much with the Irish, but most especially with the English, [Page] and that amongst our gayest Ladies, by whom they were so entertained, graced, and countenanced, that those women that had liued before in good name and fame, and finding themselues to be but slightly regarded, thought it more wisdom to forget their former modestie, and for companies sake to follow the fashion.

If I should now speake of the periury of Ireland, they would goe neere to giue me the Hubbub, and to laugh heartily at me, that would seeme to find a fault at that, which they doe account to be neither sinne nor shame. And to speake truely, what account should they make of an oath, that haue so many Massing Preists at hand, that will dispense with more oathes in one houre, then a man is able to sweare in a whole afternoone.

Periury, old Ale, and Aqua-vitae, are three commodities that be of great antiquitie in Ireland, but especially amongst the multitude of those that they call Catholikes: for Periury and Popery are so linked and consorted together, that they are as kinde, and as neere allied as Drunkennesse and Lechery, the one cannot stand without the assistance of the other, they be Coadiutors, not to be separated. A damnable Religion this Popery, that still cryes out, Sweare, forsweare, hold no faith,What filthy forsworne Rascall will not be a Papist, that what euer sinne he doth may be forgiuen? keep no promise, play the Traitor, eat vp thy God, murder thy King, kill, stab, poyson, massacre, burne, torture, torment, saw in sunder, blow vp with Gunpowder: what act so villanous, so diuelish, or so damnable, that a Papist will not enterprise in the seruice of his Pope? But our poore Papists of Ireland, haue learned the Colliers Faith, that being examined of his beleefe, answered still, That he beleeued as the Church beleeued, that could not say truely that the Church was, nor knew not any one Article that is beleeued. So they say they beleeue at their Fathers beleeued before them; now what beleefe that is I will speake truely: They beleeue the whole story of the Bible, they beleeue that Christ was the Sonne of God, that he was borne of the Virgin Mary, they beleeue all the miracles whilst he was vpon earth, they beleeue that he was crucified vpon the Crosse, & they beleeue the whole story both of the old and new Testaments; but [Page] they doe not beleeue that all Christ did and suffered, was enough for their saluation, but that they must merit that by their owne good workes, by going on pilgrimage, by praying to Saints, and when they are dead by suffering in Purgatory. They doe not beleeue that Christ who came of purpose to saue the world, did perfect the worke he came for, but that he left it to a Massing Preist, to finish that which he himselfe had but begun.

So the Papists haue a story Faith, but they haue no sauing Faith, nor no beleefe to do them good: that which the Apostle hath protested to be the doctrine of Diuels, 1 Tim. 4. that they imbrace for the doctrine of Faith; we maintaine nothing, but what the Scriptures plainely approue, the Popes thred bare assertion is enough for a Papist.

If we alledge Scriptures, they quarrell aswell with the Translation, as with the Interpretation: if we alledge Councels, they aske if the Pope haue allowed them: if we alledge Fathers, if they speake against the Pope, they reiect them: but alledge the Popes determinations (though neuer so much repugnant to the truth) there they sticke like resty Iades, they will not be drawne out of that durty puddle: the summe of their Religion consisteth in the trash of vnwritten verities, and the whole dependencie of their Faith, in this onely principle, That the Pope cannot erre.

Vnder the pretence of Peters keyes, the Pope brings in pick-locks, and leauing to enter by Christ that is the doore, he giues his Popelings scaling ladders, Bulls of Scala Coeli, to scale the walls of Heauen, and like a company of theeues, to breake in at by-corners, and not to enter by the doore. Our Popelings of Ireland will needs protest themselues to be the Kings louing Scyp-iacks (Subiects I should say) but to speak the truth, they are more liker Scyp-iacks then Subiects, that do entertaine and receiue into their houses, Preists, Fryers, Iesuites, and such other of the Popes vermine, that are well knowne to be the Kings vowed and protested enemies: do they not manifest themselues to be reconciled to the Pope, that will obstinately impugne his Maiesties Lawes? that will not submit with Christ to giue Caesar his due? they may [Page] sometimes in publique shew pray for the King, but they are priuily plotting and working for their Pope.

Well Vertue, I would thou couldest now and then be a little cholerick, and not to suffer thy clemency to be wronged more then enough, and for these dissembling hypocrites that do presume too farre, if thou canst not win their hearts, it were good thou wouldst rule their tongues.

Although I haue thus spoken of Ireland in generall, yet Ireland is as al other Countries be, good people amongst the bad, and his Maiesty hath as louing and as good Subiects of the Irish, as any he hath in England, or else-where: Now among these that be good, if there be a number that be hollow hearted, it is no maruell: for neuer shall Christian Princes haue loyall Subiects, where Massing Preists are suffered to lurke in their Dominions: And in Ireland our Women Catholikes (for want of Apricocks) do preserue Preists, Friers, and Iesuites, and keep them in their Closets.

The wiues they for the Popes Cockerels are well enough knowne to be of an excellent straine for breed, where they be well cherished, and much made of. A massing Preist is such a medicine in a mans house that hath a child-bearing woman to his wife, that where they be retained to lye lydgers, it is ten pound to ten pence oddes, that the good Wife, or Lady, or Gentlewoman (or whatsoere she be) will proue fertile, her Husband shall want no heires. I will conclude with this caueat to my good freinds: He that will eat egges on Friday, he that will goe to Church on Sunday, he that will say his Pater-noster in English, he that will sing Dauids Psalms at a Sermon, he that will sweare to the Kings Supremacie, let him dwell where he will in any part of Ireland, he shall be sure to be ill neighboured.

I haue hitherto sported at the abuses of the time, and made my selfe merry with the follies of this Age. I might yet speake of many other vanities that deserue the Hubbub, and to be well laughed at; but I will here stop and lay a straw, for I know all that I can either doe or say is to no purpose: I do but make the world mine enemy; for he that speaketh against sinne in this age, either they mocke at him, or they [Page] thinke him madde: Euery Drunkard, euery Whoremaster, euery Blasphemer, euery Tobacconist, euery Idolater, they are angry with him that doth reprooue them. O damnable world! we dare not reprehend sinne, for offending of those that are but the very slaues of sinne. Wee doe liue as if there were no God, or at least, as if wee had no soules to saue, and wee are so lull'd asleepe in the cradle of security, that neither admonition or threatning will serue to awaken vs. Wee be like sicke persons that are brought so weake and feeble, that we can neither sauour nor disgest any thing that is good.

Vice which now aboundeth in the greatest measure, wee acknowledge in the least; but the lesse it is thrust out, the more it eateth and festereth within. A gentle potion worketh but a weake effect in a strong body; and it is with sinne as it is with sores, some cannot be cured without corasiues. He is but an vntidy Chyrurgian therefore, that will apply a gentle salue to a cankred sore. We are grown to the very height of all kind of impiety, and sinne is become to be so supreme, that it thinketh scorne to be reprehended.

But take this from mee, thou that art so farre spent, that thou liuest in voluptuous idlenesse, and hast no care of thy saluation, thou that cryest peace, peace, and hast God to bee thine enemie, that is the Author of peace, who hath proclaimed open warre against thy pride, against thy periury, against thy excesse, against thy vanity, against thy briberie, against thy couetousnes; thou that art entred into a league with these and many other vices, and hast broken the truce that was betweene God and thee; thou that hast no feeling of thy sinne, but that thou wilt still perseuer in thine abominations, thinke thy selfe to be depriued of grace, and take it for a signe that thy sinnes are ripe, and thy confusion is not farre off, but that Gods vengeance doth wait and attend thee with such plagues and punishments, as shall make thy hardned heart to tremble. Hee that hath not the feeling of his sinnes, must feele himselfe to bee a reprobate secluded from Grace and Mercy; for amongst the manifold mercies of God, there is not a more singular mercy, then when hee makes vs to feele our owne faults, whereby we are drawne to [Page] repentance, and by repentance brought to mercy. Hee that hath not this feeling, shall feele the iudgements of God: for he that feeleth not his mercy, shall be sure to feele his iustice.

And doest not thou tremble to thinke of his vengeance? Hee that can wrap vp the heauens like a parchment scowle: he that can make the clowds raine downe plagues: hee that can make vs to refraine our meat, our drinke, our sleepe: he that hath the Heauens, the Earth, the Elements, and all to fight vnder his Banner, is hee not to bee feared? hath hee not plagues in store (thinkest thou) and not onely to afflict thee in this world, but in the world to come, to adde the encrease of an endlesse and euerlasting woe?

I thinke of my conscience, our Gallants of this age are growne into that humor, they thinke it time enough to hearken vnto God when their climactericall yeere is past; but if neither the admonitions that are daily giuen vs by godly Preachers, the threatnings denounced against sinne by the holy Scriptures, the loue of God, the feare the Diuell, the ioyes of Heauen, the paines of Hell; if none of these can mooue vs to repentance, giue the Diuell his due, for he hath done his deuoure, he hath brought the world to a good passe, he may now sit downe and rest him, and hee may crie with the Angler: Hold hooke and line, and all is mine.

APHORISMES, With other witty sentences; the 24 of June. 1618.

[Page]

A Trades-man liues all vpon What lacke you? for without Lacke, he is a Beggar.

A Grocer is much subiect to anger, for hee oftentimes takes pepper in the nose.

A Lace-woman stands much vpon her inches, for shee measures her ware by the yard.

A Butcher is the Farmer of death, for cutting of throats is his haruest.

A Cutler is a trade of terrour, for hee makes instruments of death.

A Miller must be cunning in his cogges, for his stones will not worke without them.

A Mercer is the maintainer of pride, for a silken coat makes a foole forget himselfe.

A Taylor is the gaine of measure, for hee can purchase lands with his shreds.

A Dier is the figure of a Camelion, for he varieth so often in his Colours.

A Smith is the agent of fire, for his water will not temper his mettall.

A Costermonger is a Marchant of winde, for his ware is a great breeder of the chollicke.

A Fidler is the honor of a cat, for he makes musique with her guts.

A Fife is a wry-neckt Musician, for he alwayes lookes away from his Instrument.

A Drummer is the pride of noyse, for hee puts downe all but thunder.

[Page]A Water-man goes backward with the world, and yet his liuing lies right before him.

A Fletcher is a foole without a goose, for he cannot work without her feathers.

A Bow-maker is the care of the horne, for if hee doe not nocke well, his string will not lie leuell.

A Tinker is a stopper of holes, but if his tooles be nought, he cannot worke kindely.

A Cobler deales alwayes with All, for without All, he is nothing.

A Drunkard is a kinde of Noune Adiectiue, for he cannot stand alone without help.

A Brewer is the Chymist of malt, for he drawes his spirit to a great height.

A Foot-man is the figure of Mercurie, for he goes as if hee had wings on his heeles.

A Coward is the shame of nature, for he will be afraid of a woman in the darke.

A Saylor is a sea-rider, but if his horse stumble on a rocke, hee may hap neuer to runne on land.

An Vsurer is the Serpent with long teeth, for hee will eat into a whole Lordship.

A Purse-maker hath the aduantage of the Law, for he may cut a purse without controlment.

A Broker is a money-hackney, for he will trot all day long for his hire.

A lester is the venom of wit, for he studies the knaue, but to cozen the foole.

There is no creature so like a man, as an Ape, except a woman; for she will be his counterfet to a haire.

A Wife is the danger of if, for if she be not good, woe bee to her husband.

A Mayd is the blush of nature, because shee wants the delight of reason.

A Widow is the consumption of loue, for nothing will help her but a new husband.

A wanton wench is of the nature of a Trowt, for it loues alwaies to be tickled.

[Page]Shee that hath the greene sicknesse, if shee will be well Recouered, shee must be well Couerde, for Cold is a nourisher of the disease.

A feminine factor is a kinde of Flemish Merchant, for his ware lyeth most in the Low Countries.

A Bowler is a kinde of mad-man, for he speaks to a dead thing, that heares him not.

A Louer is the maze of wit, for when he is in, he cannot get out.

A Parasite is the pick-purse of folly, for a wise man will shake him of like a lowse.

A Foole is the greefe of Time, for he knoweth not how to set him to worke.

A Baker is a kinde of dry Cooke, for he rosts his meate without dripping.

A Lawndresse is the hope of sluttishnesse, and yet Cleanelinesse brings in her commoditie.

A Warrener is the watch of a Conie, for if he sleepe the Tumbler will be at his Burrow.

A Woodmonger is the Farmer of Cold, for a warme Winter brings him a bare haruest.

A Wittoll is the shame of wit, for his patience is beyond his honestie.

A Carter is a Musician of the Ayre, for he makes tunes with his whistle.

A Prentise is the hope of Trade, for if his Master dye, his Mistris may make him free of the Occupation.

A Widowes Iourney-man is foreman of her shop, for commonly he hath most charge of her ware.

A Rich man commonly, is either proud or couetous, but if he be bountifull to Vertue, he is the wonder of the world.

An honest man is the scorne of folly, but when theeues are hangde, true men may goe in peace.

A faire woman is a sweet obiect to the eye, but if shee lay hold on the heart, woe be to the whole body.

A foule woman is the subiect of patience, for Reason must subscribe to affection, to make a pleasure of necessity.

A poore man is the subiect of Pitty, but Charity is so [Page] cold, that Beggers are seldome harbourd but in the stocks.

Hypocrisie is a cloke of Villany, and he that weares it, is of the Diuels liuery.

Better a litle in the morning, then nothing all day after, and yet better be fasting, then haue an vnholesome breakefast.

It is written that there were nine Worthies in the World, and if the tenth be a woman, tis pitty shee should be concealed.

Fat plough lands, and leane pastures make the great loafe, and the litle butter dish.

A faint freind is like a fearefull enemy, for thone will do no good, and the other dare no doe hurt.

A hot promise and a cold performance, is like a fart, for it dies in the breeding.

Adam was the first Man that was deceiued by a Woman, but I feare Eue will not be the last Woman, that will deceiue a Man.

A house ouer a mans head is a good harbour in the raine, but, if it be on fire about his eares, he were better be in the field.

If all faults were written vpon foreheads, the world would be full of strange faces.

If all the thoughts of sinne should breake out into an itch in the flesh, all the nailes in the world, would not be sufficient to scratch them.

A wise man will doe Iustice for vertues sake, but a foole like a feather is caried away with the winde.

A Clarke of a Church is the Abridgement of a Minister, for he shuts vp his seruice in Amen.

A Sexton is a Musitian of death, for he seldome towles the bell but to a Funerall.

A Carrier is the poste of Time, for he must make his returne, if it be but for letters.

A Schoolemaster is the terror of a Scholer, for if he can not say his lesson, he must vntrusse.

The Gailor is the terror of the prisoner, for he tyrannizeth ouer the misery of the distressed.

[Page]In shuffling of Cards a man may foist in a knaue, but, if the fift be away the foure will do no hurt.

An vnthankfull man is a villaine in Nature, for the discharge of his duty is without cost.

It is a wonder in wit, to see the force of will, how it subiects Reason, to the command of Affection.

Loue is too strong for any thing but it selfe, and yet, if Venus catch Cupids head in her lapp, when shee hath lull'd him asleepe, shee will blinde him before he wake.

When Vulcan will be tampring vpon mettall aboue his worth, the fault is not in Venus, if Mars teach him better manners.

If Diana had not bin fained, shee had bin an admirable woman; and yet, if shee had liued to this Age, shee would haue bin laught at for hir nicenesse.

If Acteon be too busie with Diana, let him looke to his dogges, for if they mistake his head they will feede vpon his carkasse.

If Cleopater had not kild her selfe for Anthony, a woman had neuer bin the wonder of loue.

FINIS.

Information about this book

Title statement

The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie briefly pursuing the base conditions, and most notorious offences of the vile, vaine, and wicked age, no lesse smarting then tickling : a merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry / by Barnaby Rich ...

Rich, Barnabe, 1540?-1617.

Edition statement

1618

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Text Creation Partnership,

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Ann Arbor, MI ; Oxford (UK) :

Date

2008-09 (EEBO-TCP Phase 1).

ID [DLPS]

A10706

ID [STC]

STC 20989.7

ID [STC]

ESTC S123522

ID [EEBO-CITATION]

34382737

ID [OCLC]

ocm 34382737

ID [VID]

29069

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Early English books online.

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(EEBO-TCP ; phase 1, no. A10706)

Transcribed from: (Early English Books Online ; image set 29069)

Images scanned from microfilm: (Early English books, 1475-1640 ; 1903:7)

Source

— The Irish hubbub, or, The English hue and crie briefly pursuing the base conditions, and most notorious offences of the vile, vaine, and wicked age, no lesse smarting then tickling : a merriment whereby to make the wise to laugh, and fooles to be angry / by Barnaby Rich ..., Rich, Barnabe, 1540?-1617..

Extent

[6], 61 p.

Printed for Iohn Marriot, and are to sold at his shop at the white Flower-de-luce neere Fetter-lane end in Fleet-street,. London :: 1618.. (Has inserted dedication and verse, dated 22 Jan. 1654.) (Signatures: A-H⁴, I².) (Reproduction of original in: Magdalene College (University of Cambridge). Library.)

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