THE SCOVRGE of Corruption: OR, A crafty Knaue needs no broker.
OVr English Chronicles haue left in remembrance, that in the time of Henry the fourth there liued in sundry places of this Kingdome: but especially about the City of London, diuers lewd persons, that gaue themselues to no good course of life: but because the times were then some-what troublesome, watched diligently, when by the least occasion of mutiny, they might pray vpon the goods of honest persons, and so in rich themselues by their spoile. At the same time likewise there liued a worthy gentleman, whose many famous déeds (which neither time, nor occasion will permit me to rehearse) doe renowne his name to all ensuing Posterities. His name was Sir Richard Whittington, founder of Whittington Colledge, and thrée times Lord Maior of th [...] Citty of London? This worthy man well obseruing the [Page 2] dangerous disposition of that euill disposed kind of people, tooke such discréet order (after he had sent many of them to the warres, and they loath to doe so well, returned to their former vomit) that in no place about London they might haue entertainement, vnlesse they applied themselues to such honest exercises, as might witnesse their maintenance by true and lawfull meanes: If any were found to the contrary, they were sharpely proceeded withall in iustice, as most hurtfull and dangerous members of a Common-wealth.
Now in this most quiet, and happy time of Peace (vnder out most Excellent and Soueraigne Head) when all men (in course of life) should shew themselues thankefull for so great a benefit, this famous Citty (ray the most part of the kingdome) is pestered with the like (or worse ki [...]d of peo [...]le) that beare an outward shew of honest disposition, when
Their intentions being in deed very dete [...]able, and their behauiours infamous, who, as by many close and cunning practises, they doe wrong, and iniury to a multitude of people, to their seuerall hurts and vndooings: So, if God should in iustice bee angry with [...]s, as our wickednesse hath well deserued, and (which God forfend) our peace should be molested (as in former times) euen as they did: So will these be the first that will seeke our Domes [...]icall spoile and ruine: not skilling how they come by it, so they may haue it.
By reading therefore, and taking a slight suruey of th [...]se foure seuerall personages, that from diuers places lately presented themselues to my sight, in such anticke attire, and variable carriages, that they set my senses at amazement, you shall see the subtile pollicy at foure deceiuers, and discouer some of their abuses and corruptions. And this (as néere as I can) is a true touch of their seuerall Characters.
The first is, Conscience.
THe first carried the shape of a goodly old [...]atherly Man, but it séemed hee had béene much wronged, for his cheekes were leane and bloodlesse, his eyes hollow, his looks (like his fortunes) downe and deiect, his apparell comely, but much torne, his bosome was bare, bloody, and full of wounds, his wrists and anckles worne (almost) to the bones, with bolts and manacles, so that I could not imagine, what he was: but that he had beene an ancient wronged prisoner.
The second, Symon Saywell.
THe second both in plac [...], and order, a proper man, but of a contrar [...] garbe and temper. His chéek [...] were plumpe, and re [...], as a cram'd pullet, and couered with red rose leaues, his lookes cheer [...]ull, the sap of sherry sacke, hunge at his muchato: The top of his nose was sign'd ore with the English malt, w [...]ich the Master of Copersmiths Hall, had tane vp to build almeshouses in, for certaine impotent and tradefalne wormes, that pesterd their company. The roofe of his head to my remembrance not much vnlike the property of Tiburne. Red strossers, and a blew codpiece garded with yellow, like the iags of a Ia [...]kealents ierkin, his gowne vnder one arme, within the folds of that a latine Psalter, cry him heartily mercy, t'was a Pewter pot, for I should blame him to say he euer carried a piece of lattine about him so much as in conceipt. A pewter vessell t'was, contain'd some quart, or birlady more: vnder one arme his Hostesse talley. His gate was sprightly, his habit anticke, and his gesture apish and pear [...].
The third, Feedwell.
THe third a Countrey homespun Russetting, none of the fattest, and yet his Equinoctiall or vvast, was at least [Page 4] two els in compasse: His face and beard comely, and not leane, either chéeke about the muchnesse of a two penny Pumpion, or a great Cabbage in September, couered ouer with red oker, and (but I knew him to be fled out of England) I should haue tane him for the God of good House-keeping. His apparell comely, and plaine as a pike staffe: His legs like Hercules pillers: His sides sagging ouer his girdle like an Amazonians dugs: His gate carelesse, and his lookes not curious.
The fourth, Nemo.
THe fourth and last, was a thin snowted fellow, about the Aprill of his yéeres, for the spring was newly budding vpon his vpper lip: His face well proportioned, his complexion sallow, his attire so full of variety, put my memory into such a quandary, that I haue almost lost it: But to my remembrance thus. His vpper garment was a loose robe of chaungeable taffeta, skie coloured or somewhat more bright: which had such a reflecting glasse, and was of so great a length, it couered and ouer shadowed all the rest. His pace was flow, which made me thinke him a Saturnist. His personage tall and comely, an obseruing eye, a sullen and irefull countenance: and still as I thought to take strickt view of his attire, the colour of the roabe so dazelled mine eyes, that I cleane lost it: Some strange fellow I tooke him to be, and but that I held it vnpossible, I should haue thought him inuisible: For he was but (as it were) a solid clowne cut out in the fashion of a man. Thus hauing giuen you a touch of their seuerall habits, as I can remember. I wil grow to their forme of discourse, in which you shall from their owne mouthes, be made acquainted with their names, and cause of méeting, and continued parlée.
Quoth goodman Feedwell, (for so they did call our fat Countryman): Goodman Conscience wellcome from London: we haue wanted your company in the Countrey many a day: you were witnesse to the lease my yong Land [Page 5] lord made me, and want of your Euidence, that was in good estimation, now the yong man is come to the liuing, I am like to sit beside my right, but now you are come home I hope all shall bee well. Old father Conscience thanks him for his good conceipt, and withall, fetcht a heauy sigh: whats the matter man, quoth Sir Simon Saywell, (for so is our quartpot master called:) the worse for mine enemies, quoth the old man, from which number Sir Simon I cannot seclude you: for had your déeds beene answerable to your name, at my being in London, I had not tasted this long imprisonment, during which I haue not onely spent my meanes, vndergone discredit, being counted a Banckerout, and indaungered my health: but had it not beene for this ver [...]uous gentleman, Signieur Nemo, that paid my Frées, field of mine irons, and at his own cost and charges bailed me, I had there set a period to my wretched life. Alas Sir (replied our Maltworme) it stood not in the reach of my hability to baile you. The some was 1000 pound, your aduersary mighty, your friends sew, and those very poore: Besides he was my chiefest solliciter in all my suites at Court, and should I haue displeased him, I might haue hopt without my benefice. At that Signieur Nemo (for so was the fourth and last in the skie coloured roabe called) folding his brow, as if in anger. Thou scum of humanity, and basest parte of our mother Earth, hast thou the shape of a man, and art not ashamed to shape such a beastly answere? Suppose his aduersary [...]ere mighty▪ his cause was iust. This poore man, out of his loue to his Countrey, groning vnder the yoake of your base and vpstart Corruption, made their publike griefe, his priuate grieuance: sold all his meanes, trudg'd vp to London, and there solliciting the cause of the who [...]e Countrey, was by that Italian Iacke, (whom we may truly terme a Craftie knaue that needs no broker) wrongfully arrested, & clapt into prison, thou being by, sufferest him to be laid vp, and not so much as offered to baile him.
Alas Sir, quoth Saywell, I durst not, for one word of his mouth to my Patron, had casshierd me: Base time obseruing [Page 6] Sycophant, (answered Nemo) doth thy place authorize thee to reprooue? to open the master vaine of some? and sluce out the putrified and corrupted sore, and hast thou the face to say, Thou darst not? Hence beastly man: but tis not thy fault, but theirs that countenance thy ignorance, fitter to cobble a shooe, then to vndergoe that calling: To which none but frée Spirits, and vndaunted soules should be chosen: But I haue long hoped, and at last met that happy day, in which such idle and vnnecessary snaile [...] that féed and deuoure the Aprill leaues, and May blossomes of our Countrey, shall by the hand of Iustice be rooted out of the Land, or by the milder Easterne wind of mercy, blown forth the bosome of this peacefull Ile.
That were a happy day indeed (answered father Feedwell) but I feare your newes is like an old Booke: Too good to be true, for thers a Crafty Italian gentl [...]man (whose name is Corruption) keeps such leuel [...] co [...]le [...] here in our Countrey, we can haue no hoe with him, and t [...]l there bee some good order taken with him, you and [...]uch honest gentlemen, may féed a sort of poore fooles fat with good words, but we shall find small redresse: But you are a Traueller, I pray you tell vs, how the goodyer he came to be so great in England?
Ide fame know that (quoth Conscience) for in my time when I was but a stripling (and yet, young as I was, more regarded) he came into England, and offered his seruice to certaine Men of good sort, but his course and behauiour was so insinuating and vile, he was banished the land again [...]. Now I wonder what wind brought him in, after his first Exile.
Ile tell you what I know (quoth Nemo) let all the mad dogs snarle, and bite their owne gals, I neither feare them nor stand in awe of their greatnesse. This Crafty knaue, (as if occasion serue there be many, that could diuersly proue it) is a fellow of long continuance in this Ile, marry (as father Conscience intimates) he hath beene so supprest, and many times banisht: but still by forreigne deuises [Page 7] he is réentred the Land, and at last (yet many hundreth yeeres since) he grew so wealthy, and purchast such friends, that notwithstanding many vertuous Kings, and our late sacred Mistresse, did their vttermost to the suppressing, and rooting out of that grounded damnation, the Nobilities abuser, the Plenties oppressor, and poore mens confounder, yet hath he so many priuate maintainers, and harbourers, that in stead of disgracing and remouing him, his state is stronger confirmd, and his friendships inaugurate in our hearts.
I but (quoth Saywell) me thinks t'were easily mended, for we haue in euery Towne likely a good Iustice, a Counsellour, or Lawyer, were all of my mind, we would preferre our petiti [...]s to them.
An [...] [...] [...]he neere (answered Nemo) but because I f [...]d you [...] in this Knaues true proceedings, [...]e t [...]ll y [...]u w [...]at I k [...]ew, yet temper'd with such modesty, as shall (I hope) off [...]nd none, that are honest, if it touch any of any other kind, let them thinke it a fault and amend. Those whom it conc [...]rnes not, I know will commend mee.
You talke of preferring a supplication to your Iustices, and Lawyers, for their owne parts no doubt, as they are bound both by allegiance and place, they will doe you right, but th [...]e is none or very few of th [...]se, into whose seruices, Corruption hath not secretly ingrafted some Intellige [...]c [...], as all [...], that by one sallary, or another, will so mangle the true f [...]ce of your proceedings, that you shall fall short of your expectations. As that you seeke to wound some honest mans credit out of hate: Or, for some inueterate grudge, se [...]ke the vndoing of harmelesse gentlemen: Or if it be so aprarantlie manifest, that no colour can shew it contrary: Why, he is my friend, Let mee meditate: He hurts not you: Euery one would liue: Blame him not to raise his fortunes, Et caetera, quis nescit? So by this meanes Iustice that should raze and plucke vp sinne by the roote, is either for kindred, loue, affection, or oyle of Angels blinded, and by his meanes made the bawde, and dorekeeper [Page 8] of villany. If it be so, as it hath beene so where Corruption dwelt, true Iustice will see it amended.
I saith (quoth Sir Simon) this goes with me, Ile neither eat, nor drinke, till our Iustice knowes this? with all my heart (quoth Nemo) if he be one of that sort, ile to his teeth tell him much more? if he be a true Iustice, ile request him to see the aduse reformed in others, and I doubt not but he will thanke me.
Gods blessing of thy heart (quoth Conscienc [...]) we haue few such as thou art in our Countrey: For when our meadowes are inclosed, and our Commons made seuerall by the Lord of the soile, we haue not a Man in the Towne dares say [...]o to a goose. The reason is, we are poore, and they are rich, and one or two Termes suite at law, would eat vp a whole Towneship of vs, poore snakes of the Countrey, Lawyers take such vnmercifull fées, and vse such protracting of causes, we can hold no tacke with them. Againe most of our oppressors, are either Lawyers themselues, or haue Lawyers to their Sonnes, Nephewes, or acquaintance, so that we had as good loose somewhat, as vndoe our selues by law, and then loose that too.
Lord (quoth Nemo) what is the reason that the world is at so bad a passe, we neuer had more teaching then is now adaies: neuer more warnings, nor more lawes established.
Conscience. Whence comes it (say you) that the world begins when each hath caused an other to reprehend, to wincke at follies, and to sooth vp sinnes; and draw their daies to disaster end? can better reason bee alleadged then this, The world sooths sin because it liues in sinne.
Me thinkes (answered Nemo) if abuses bee so grosse, so palpable, and so genera [...]l; they should be complaind off to the Prince. Much the better (quoth Conscience) our petitions goe thorow so many hands, it is eyther lost, or torne, or comes to some of their friends hands, against whom it is preferred; then are we checkt, called seditious knaues, and goe home perhaps an hundred miles with a flea in our eare.
I must confes (quoth Nemo) this hath been a fault, but feare not, we haue now both a skilfull and a pain [...]full gardener, that will not lay the whole care of weeding his kingdome vpon others, but himselfe in person will heare; and if hee finde it true, roote out those ranke weedes, that haue heretofore ouershadowed, and with their broad and bushy toppes, hindered the growth of other better & more wholsome [Page 11] hearbs. God long maintaine his health (quoth Conscience) that hath such care of his wronged Commons, and I beseech you stand our good friend, that this superfinitiue gallant knaue Corruption, grow not inward with those that are the meanes to that sacred maiesty, that beares such a respectiue care ouer our Weale.
Ile giue you my word for that (quoth Nemo) for I know them so well tempered, that neither feare, nor loue, gold, nor hate can stirre and drawe their affections from the true course of Iustice.
Marry (quoth Feedewell) would wée had one of those Gentlemen in our Countrey, for we haue fellow [...] that by meanes of friends, as they say, kéepe the liuing of a whole Towneshippe in their handes, and they but get the Countenance of some Noble man on their backs, they are so proud, a poore man may not speake with them vnder a couple of Capons. For example sake, heeres Sir Simon Saywel, no Clergy man, for he can neither write, nor read, and yet he hath at this howre three or foure Parsonages in his owne handes, the least of them worth forty or fifty pounds a yéere, and kéepes honest poore Schollars to reade vnder him, where hee purses vppe some two hundred pounds for a long in a manner, and hires but a Preacher to make foure sermons in a yéere. Now the poore men that take all the paines, are scarce allowed fiue poundes a yéere. I thinke some honest Gentleman like you Mr. Nemo, might doe God good seruice to sée these abuses reformed, that Lay men should not beare such sway in the Church.
Feare not (Father Conscience quoth hee) gather a short note of all corruptions and abuses in their kinde, against the next Tearme, and ile haue him knowne for a crafty knaue, you shall heare how ile handle both him, and his Appendixes.
I marry (quoth Feedewell) but while the grasse grows, the stéede star [...]es. But as I remember Sir Simons Mountchanking. Ile no [...] forget how a couple of Turuers serued two k [...]nsmen of mine the last Tearme, Atturneys thou wouldst say.
[Page 12]I cannot tell how you call them, but I thinke they cannot haue a [...]tter name then Turners: for if wée goe to lawe once, bee our cause good, or bad, they'l so turne and winde it, that we turne the bottome of our purses vp, and finde nere a crosse. And since you are so kinde a gentlemā, ile not bee meale mouthed to tell you a merry, yet a true tale.
A merry tale how two Attornies iugled togeather to fetch off their Clyents.
A couple of néere kinsmen of mine, called Pigeons, went to Lawe, and fedde their Attorneys: Either perswading their Clyents their cause was good, and kept them so long in hope of had I wist, that they were faine to sell their horse to continue lawe for the bridle. To be short, one of the Brothers going to carry a couple of Capons to his Attorney to séeke spéedy dispach of his suit, hee tould him that for a couple of Angells extraordinary, hee would assure him of iudgement on his side the next Court day: The poore man glad of that newes went home, sould a couple of pretty heyfars to prouide the money, and carried it home. His Attorney to manifest how forward hee was in his behalfe, writ a letter to his aduersaries Attorney to intreate him the cause might come to present dispatch; and who should carry it but this Pigeon: wel glad was he of his good successe, and to the lawier hee goes; and by the way hee proued exceeding drowsie, and fell a sléepe: In his sléepe hee dreamt that hee saw the two Attorneys drinking, and excéeding merry in a stately Gallery, and two tame doues came flying in at the Casement, houering about them: And whilest they sate laughing the poor tame birds, flew about into the fields, and gardaines adioyning, and in their beaks, brought wheat, peass, and such graine, as by their industry they could finde, and presented it to the lawiers, who still as they were gonne for more, laught at their folly: At last the poore birds beeing tired, would haue eaten some of the graines they had [Page 31] brought: But the couetous Attorneys shouted then away, and (not able to bring any more) shut the casement. At their vnkindnesse he awaked, and comparing the kindnesse of the two doues to his brother and him, thought it might be a Morrall of their owne folly: But then calling to minde his Attorneys promis, and hope of his suits dispach, hée beegan to checke his rashe iudgement. Notwithstanding he concluded with himselfe to sée the contents of the letter: with that vnripping the seale, he béegan to reade, and found the letter written to this effect▪ The nest of Pigeons are ripe; doe but you plucke the one, and ile pluck the other, and weel not leaue them a feather to their backes. This vnexpected newes strooke the fellow into such a quandary, that for a good while hee stood like a man parted from his sences, at last comming to himselfe, [...]e began thus;
Why how now Pigeon? are thy wits a woolgathering? hast thou béen once scorched in the fire, and wilt thou still dally with the flame? No, though thy Attorney has built his nest with some of thy feathers, ile reserue the rest to kéepe mée warme. In this resolue, he laid his staffe on his neck, and his hand vnder his side, and setting the best foote afore, homeward he went: whom should hée méete by the way, but his brother, (betwixt whom this deadly fewd was) who perceiuing twas hee, forsooke the path, and crost ouer the Fallowes, and sommer leas, as if some occasion of businesse had called him that way: but the other knowing the length of his foote by his own last, guest where his shue pinched him, though he complained not, & though he knew him full of stomacke, and that he had rather spend halfe his land, then any way come to agréement, yet he out of his brotherly affection determined a né [...]rer cut to the matter: whereupon mending his p [...]ce, not in hope to haue his wages mended (as the fellow saith) but with an intent to amend somwhat amis, and set loue where none was. Hauing ouertooke him in a greene Lea, as hee stood giuing directions to his Reapers, hee pluckt him by the stéede, and very kindly gaue him the time of the day, and [Page 14] related vnto him what had happened. Hee carelesse either of him, or his discourse, ere hee had ended his aue, gaue him the vale, and prepared to depart: but hee not willing to giue ouer so good an occasion in the plaine field, seconded his first assault with the sight of the letter, which draue his brother into such a maze, that taking him by the hand, after pardon craued for his strangenesse, he led him into a shadie brake, where hee told him the Lawyers procéeding from the beginning to the end: whereupon they determined to let the matter slip vntil the next Court day, to try if there were any regard of conscience, or respect of humanity in them. The Court day come, they attended from s [...]x in the morning, till eight at night, but as the prouerb is, They [...]ere early vp, and nere the néere: whereuppon they complained, and had brought it to this passe, they should both haue been discarded, and pitcht ouer the Bar for wranglers: but in the meane time, being (as it séemed they were) very inward with Seigneiour Corruption, that was Broker sufficient craf [...]y to make good both his owne, and others procéedings, hee vndertooke their causes, and made them cléere: the poore man had had words, and their labour for their paines, and the Lawyers in as great credit and estimation as before.
At this Nemo interrupted him, and asked if the men were yet liuing? No, replyed Conscience, they died long agoe, but I feare me some of their linage liue to continue their hellish and vncharitable beginning. Nemo began to speake bitterly against the vnmercifull procéedings of the Lawiers: but Conscience did thus interrupt him, Temper your anger good Seignieur Nemo, and let mee speake impartially for all; Though I haue had much wrong by Law, yet I condemne not altogeather the professors, they are but the hoofe and Iron féete that Bribery vses to tread vpon the naked bosoms of poore resistles people: therfore to raile against them, were as if a dog should bite the sword he is strucken with, which of it self is altogether harmles: So are Lawyers like swords or staues wherwith bribery strikes the resistles Comminalty: For till he [Page 15] had a hand in buying and selling offices, the Lawyers both would and could haue done mo [...]e for an Angell, then they can since with two. I haue heard (and as I dare not affirme it for trueth, so I cannot condemne it for a lie) that there are none (or at the least very few) O [...]fices beelonging to the Lawe, from, and out of which bribery doth not fetch some tribute & annuall stripend. Hence then I gather bribery or corrup [...]ion being the cause of oppression in that kind, his power being remoued, it necessarily followes that the effect must die.
Why then (quoth Nemo) it séemes you enuy not the honest gain of painefull Lawyers? No, answered Conscience, I speake impartially: neither for loue of the one, nor feare of the other. I pitty the state of wellminded Lawyers, as much as any one, and grieue that euer I liued to sée that malapart Iack Corruption to haue such a hand ouer them.
How Corruption being once exiled this Kingdome, sent Emulation and Fashion to make way for him againe.
Then thus for Emulation.
ILe tel you my poor opinion (answerd Nemo) This crafty knaue being expulst this Kingdom, sent his insinuating children Emulation, and Fashion to make way for him, who intruding themselues by degrées into all societies, like toward impes to practise and effect his will that sent them. Emulation, he as he spies occassion, thrusts himselfe into the company of men of the better sort, and filles their heads with proclaimations, what a rare Lordship such an one hath purchast▪ what a sumtuous house another hath builded, and vrges him to cast about [...]or the like, intimating his meanes to be as great, his friends as many, and his hopes as possible.
The well minded gentleman (before perhaps not dreaming of any such matter) lending an eare to his idle discourse, by his perswasions, determines to vse all meanes to put his words in practise, and aske's his further aduice [Page 16] in attaining it. Hee glad of that, ioynes with Occasion, tells him of Siegnior Bribery: by whose acquaintance and furtherance, hee shall easily attaine his purpose, marry it will cost him some few Angells, to buy his assistance. Being tickled with this newes, he spares no cost to purchase his acquaintance, kéeps him close in his house, and giues him the best entertainement hee can deuise. Being once entred his society, he cleane forgets the moderne state of his Auncestors, and mak [...] his flight seauen miles beyond the man i'th Moone, and to maintaine Corruption in his higher matters, vses him his president in lower; rackes his poore tenaunts, rayses his rents, and says he has made a Lease out to a poore man for three liues. Let but an other come, and giue his wife a veluet Gowne, his sonne a horse, or his daughter a Taffety Peticoate, and himselfe an vnreasonable sine, or incomb [...], and there shall be some vnperfect clause found i'th lease to colour, and face their pract [...]se, and the poore man (that perhaps sould all his meanes to purchase it, not two yéeres before) shall by violence bée thrust out, and lose all, I though his wife and children beg, he shall finde no remorse but the Lawe, where he bids the poore man séeke his redresse. Hee knoweth that Bribery, whom he fées, will maintaine his cause: and the poor oppressed man must either bee glad to put finger in the eie, & liue by the losse, or séeking redresse, bée clapt in Limbo patris, and after a twelue moneths imprisonment be inioynd to aske his mercilesse Landlord forgiuenesse.
I faith (quoth Feedewell) haue they such tricks in their budgets? Well, you shew directly the procéedings and effects of Emulation: and what waie hee makes for his Father Corruption his entrance into the Land. Now is his other son Fashion imployed?
By what waies Fashion the second sonne of Corruption makes entrance for his Father into this Kingdome.
ILe tell you (quoth Nemo) and yet perhaps I shall purchase the ill will of a s [...]xe that I much reuer [...]nce and honour. [Page 17] Fashion is second sonne to Corruption, borne (as I haue read in Italy, nurst in Fraunce, and in his childhood brought ouer into England, by certaine, more humerous then truely honourable gentlemen, and yet no enemies to his Father. Comming into England, being a very forward wéed, according to the prouerbe, An ill weed growes a good speed: hee was preferred to attend diuers gentlewomen, with whom he procéeded as his elder brother had done with their husbands, though by an other course. After by his dutifull seruice, hee had ingrafted himselfe into their good opinions, he began to discourse of the strange and rare fashions vsed in his Countrey. As if a gentlewoman were borne with haire as blacke as iette, hee could by Art frustrate the workemanshippe of Nature, and color it as yellow as gold: if time (enemy to beauty) had by continuance writ downe his caracters of age in their foreheads, he could by the meanes of Art helpe, and make good that defect: make a brow of sixty, as smooth, and able to shew, as one of sixtéene. On him attending Mounsieur Shred, an Italian Taylor, snipt out of a péece of Deuonshire Carsie, who with the shéeres of preferment, could at his pleasure cut out a shape of a new fashion, ad placitum, in an houres warning. These fellowes with their ginny phreeses, and Italionate discourses, so set a fire the brauing thoughts of our yong gentlewomen, that what soeuer new fashion, Shred inuented, they would haue, or their husbands shall heere out, on both sides of the head: yet some more respectiue then then the rest, would out of better consideration, cast with themselues, My husbands meanes are but weak, & his charge of housekeeping great and if I stretch his liuing to his breadth, it will not hold out: Tush (quoth Fashion) the French is your onely garbe, breake vp housekéeping, turne away those Béefe-eating swaines, sell away your great horses: a Coach-man and a Page are attendants enough. As for your offices of seruice, let me alone, I could supply fiue or six of them my selfe, and will be lesse charge to you, and perhaps more gains to me. Then will I bring your husband acquainted [Page 19] with a gentleman my father Corruption, that shall direct him a course far lesse troublesom, and much more commodious. Thus by the meanes of his forerunners Fashion, Pride, Emulation, &c. hée became great, and drew the most part of this Ile to his acquaintance. Now I cannot rightly blame any one sort more then an other, since his familiarity is generall, and equally imbraced of the most, onely those true temperd spirits of Nobility excepted, who from time to time since his first discouery, haue made it their chiefe labour to spend their vtmost indeuours in rooting of him out: But hee hauing so many heads, that as fast as one is cut off, there springs vppe more in the roome? The onely way that I can prescribe for his finall remoue, is that euery man should take adaduice of Conscience, and put themselues to the true taste of his touch, and finding how far he has drawn them from the end of their Creation, vtterly Casshire, and for euer abiure his hellish society.
This is the easiest and neerest course▪ and thus much I deuine, that whosoeuer, either vpon hope of priuate payn, or presumtion of friends, conceale or harbour that Arch Caterpiller of England, will by the carefull industry of vigilent Arethe be found out, and either hang with his welthy hopes about his necke, or like a vagrant wander into his owne Land with him for company, where all good mindes hope they shall meet entertainement fitting such inconstant fugitiues.
You may sée (quoth Feedewell) the longer a man liues, the more hee may learne: I might haue liued till all my friends h [...]d been weary of mee, ere I should haue found out this: but some reason there was that the cat winckt, when both her eies were out. I blame not our Landlords to kéepe such racket ith Countrey, when this vile Italian varlet hath his agents in the City: For I knew a man of good worship my selfe, giue away as much Velvet in gownes and fore parts about an office, as would haue made a Stéeple a nightcappe. But (quoth Nemo, cutting him off) whom doe you blame for that, the begger, [Page 18] or the Patron? Marry (quoth Feedewell) the Patron: for I will count him a foole that will not bestow twenty or thirty pounds in guists, to get an Office worth thirty pounds a yéere.
You speake out of all discretion (answered Nemo) and such grosse and vnsensible parts as yours, cast scandall, & reproach without respect, or difference: as a curre hauing béen cast into a puddle shakes himselfe, and casts his filth vpon all that stand within his reach: so you hauing your Asse eares filled with maddy and scandaling reports, cast them foorth, commonly as the blind man shoots at the Crow.
Thus much let mee (not for feare, but out of reuerent modesty and equity) speake in the behalfe of wronged Patrons. Suppose your selfe or any other, belong, or follow some worthy Gentleman; an Office vnder his guift stands voide, which he neither knows, nor respects: hauing receiued some kindnesse from him before, presumes if you can make som friends to the Patron, you may obtaine i [...] ▪ In this resolue you out of your frée will, and rich hope of their assistance, giue a Lady veluet for a gowne, silke stockings or so: they receiue it, and work meanes for the obtaining of your suite: You are possest of it, where before perhaps it was an hundred pounds a yeere, you raise it to two hundred pounds, whose fault is this? Or say you had two or thrée Offices before, yet your petition is, that you are a poor Attendant of his Fortunes, & wanting meanes, such a péece of wast ground or so, to such, or such a value, lies void, and would stand you in some stéed: you get it, he giues it with a frée heart, and to a good intent: [...]ut you contrary to his intent, and all honest proceedings inuert his meaning, and abuse his bounty. But knew such Patrons, or giuers of Off [...]ces, what inconueniences they bred, they would kéepe their credits from your scandall, and your gréedy auarice from such preferment.
Indeed (answered Conscience) there are a number of this condition, that walking in the shade of some great man, like Aesops Storke, care not how many poore men [Page 20] they eate vp and deuoure: But to quittance your fale of Corruptions first arriuall: Ile tell you one ma [...] prancke a Follower of his did in our Countrey.
A fine peece of knauery done by a Churchwarden in shew of piety and religion.
THere was a man of good credit, and no-small honesty reputed: for wee now a daies value mens honesties by the Kings booke, so much in the pound: so that if he bée weighty in the purse, he must néeds be honest. He shall be namelesse in this place, and yet for a groate matter you shall finde him registred in Bulles Kallender, amongst the ranke of his best Benefactors. This Francklin (I scorne to doe the attribute of gentility so much wrong, as to lay it vpon him) being one of the head men of the parish, and hauing past thorough many vnder Offices of Sir Reuerendshippe, as Scauenger, Sideman, cum multis alijs, hée was by the generall consent of the Towneshippe elected Church-warden, and to win the name of a Benefactor to the Church, and haue his name writ vp in Roman letters ouer one of the glasse windowes. The boyes playing at stooleball, by chaunce broke a quarry of the glasse, whereupon he complayned to the Towneship, and tither had, or did his vtmost to haue the poor boy whipt, and vnder shew of zeale (which had a little afore schorcht him, he tooke mee down the whole window, and at his owne proper costs & charges built vp an other in the place: But by report of the workemen, the new was too foote euery way lesse then the old. And the same Church-warden two months after built him a new window in his Parlor, with the same glas he tooke downe at the Church, yet stands his name in villanous Roman letters ouer the window for a good Benefactor. The same yéere the foresaid Founder continuing his auncient care of maintaining the Church, one part of the Leades being faulty, and a droppe or two of raine falling through, lookt vp, and spied the Church well leaded, presently had a knauiske Crochet in his head, a note beyond Ela, and with a zealous verily, broke into these [Page 21] words, Haue we a care to cloath our pampered bodies, and sée the Church v [...]apparrelled? this must and shall be remedied: whereupon wtthout any more words, hee sent for workemen, and the next day set them a worke, to vnlead the Church cleane. That day he set Thatchers a work, and in stéed of the Leade coate, clapt on a ierkin of straw: according to that of Dionisius, who comming into a Church, he saw many Idolls richly cloathed, some in gold, and some in siluer: he disroabed them all, and made them good hansome suits of Linsey-wolsey. Being askt the reson, Oh (quoth he) these golden coates in winter were so could, that the Saints wer fain to blow their fingers ends to catch them a heate, and in sommer so heauy, they could not walke abroade for heate, priuily checking the vaine superstition of those that were prodigall in bestowing such bounty vpon a stone: but (quoth he) I out of a tender respect of their healths, haue made them good Linsey-woolsey cassocks, good & warm for winter, & excéeding light & coole for Sommer. So this Church-warden féeling the foundation of the Church too weake for the Leaden couer, clothed it in straw, and turned the leade to his priuate vse, which by the iudgement of the workemen, trebly equalled his stubble vpper garment, besides the parishes allowance which was not little. About the same time, a friend of his, as I remember, his brothers sonne, for some trespasse against the Lawe lay in prison vpon a repriue, and some ten pound matter would haue purchast his pardon. He hauing none, or very fewe friends of ability to disburse so much money on the suddaine made meanes to him being his vncle, and sent his letter by two sufficient poore men, to enter bond for the repayment of it, his answere was, he would doe any reasonable matter for his kinsman, to his power, but he was imployed about building, and repaying the Church, and not hauing of his owne to finish it, hee was faine to strech his credit to borrow. The poore men vrgd in what a desperat estate his kinsmans life stood, and past all recouery, without his aide, but all in vain, they had a cold sute of it, and as far as I could learne, the vncles [Page 22] vnkindnesse cost the poore yong man his life.
At that they all interupted him, saying, twas pitty hee liued, nay more then that (quoth Feedewell) I haue been credibly informd, that vnmercifull vncle had in his hands a will of that yong mans Fathers, by vertue whereof hee was to receiue at the death of his mother, being an aged and impotent woman, a Farme, rented at thirty pounds a yéere: and a quarter of Wheat will not stop their mouths that say, hee was the chiefe man that incited the young mans enemies to seeke the extremity of Law, in hope to possess [...] the same land, which came rightly to passe, for the young man dead, his carefull mother liued not long after, at whose death for want of heires, the land fell to him as next of kinde. The Diuell helps his seruants still (quoth Nemo) but your tale tends nothing to the Theame wee handle, and your close com no néerer then your Exordium, you will haue villanous battailes made against you: Our purpose is to talke of Corruption, and heers nothing of that relish yet. If I might (then answered Feedewell) ide come ouer some of their thumbs, with Gammer Gurtons prouerbe, and request them either to heare out my tale, or kisse the backeside of the booke, and trade it ou [...] for their labour.
But to the matter, no sooner were the two honest Soliciters of the poore mans sute departed, but this zealous Church-builder, that had not a penny to cast at a dogge, could finde two hundred pounds to buy the reuersion of an Office for his Sonne. and for twenty nobles giuen him of an other, made sute to a friend of his, and got a repréeue for as honest a man as euer cryed stand. This was no braunch of Bribery, but one mans tale is good, till an others be heard. He is repriued, (and for bribes and guifts that he receiued from his friends, being Foreman of the Iury, contrary to all Conscience) saued his life. But his his poore kinsman passing vnder the same Iury, came to his long home. Within short time after this most charitable déede, twas his fortune to stay in Kent, and there cam to be head Constable, during which Office hee continued [Page 23] and strengthned his former acquaintance with the company of Saint Nicholas clarkes, and now by reason of his Office could doe them much more good and fauour, then before: For had they taken any prize, his house was their harbour, and his credit their cloake, till the heate of the hue and cry was ouer. And I pray you what vnder Constable or Headborow durst bee so sawcy as to search there? Besides, it was euidently proued, diuers gentlemen of his acquaintance trauelling with any charge of money about them, would make his house their Inn [...], and request his company and aide for their safe passage, being reputed a very vertuous man. But marke how kindly he vsed them, or at least some of them; It fortuned a young gentleman, a friend of mine, from whom I learned this intelligence, trauailing that way, with some hundred pounds or more, and hauing sent his man backe to dispatch some other businesse at home, hee requested him to fauour him so much, as to l [...]t a seruant of his beare him company, telling him [...]hat store of money he had, and that he was next to tender it at Lo [...]don vpon a bond: he very car [...]full of the young gentlemans safety as it séemed, told him the day was old, and the wa [...]es dangerous, and should by no meanes leaue his house that night, but in the morning (as early as hée pleased) not onely his man, but hee himselfe for the more security would beare him compa [...]y: which kindnesse the young man accepted very gratefully. Heereupon our High Constable intending to bee well paid for his nights lodging, sent to thrée or foure of his consorts in these actions, and appointed in what place, and in what hower they should meet their prey, whi [...]h tooke effect: For the next morning very early our ciuill high Constable cald vp the yong Gentleman, and he, & one of his men rod to bring him the safest and neerest way: Scarce had they rod the quantity of a mile, but vnder a wood side they wer set vpon by thrée or foure Gallants, who not only made the young Nouice an hundred pound lighter, but with vile words abused our honest Constable, tooke away his money, and were very hardly intreated to let him scape with life.
[Page 24]There was no knauery (quoth Conscience) but how came his villany discouered?
Ile tell you (quoth Feedewell) the Gentlemans man, whom I tould you before he sent back vpon some busines, was by this time returned, and come to the Constables house, thinking to call his master, and being there these three gallants, not dreaming of any such matter, came gallopping into the yard, turnd their horses in to the stable, and through a back garden, to which themselues had keys, went to their chambers. The [...]ellow noted all this, but neither knew nor suspected what had happened till hee met his Master, whom Mr. Constable had sent an other way. The fellow hearing his Master describe the colour of their horses, and attire of the men, strait saw a pad in the straw, and told his Master what he had séene, who séeing how vnkindly they had vsed the Constable, a [...]d taken away his money, would by no meanes be wonne to credit him. The Fellow grounded in the certainety of his resolue, quite contrary to his Mast. knowledge, went to a Iustice, acquainted him with that he saw, and requested his aide and authority for the triall of his suspect, which he graunted, and sent to beset the house: where to be short, they were all taken with the money about them: and the next Assizes made their seuerall recantations out of a hempen pulpit.
Beléeue me (quoth Conscience) they met but their deserts, but to quittance your tale Ile tell you an odde iest, plaid betwéene a cowple of crafty knaues: wherein one deceiued the other.
How one crafty knaue cunningly ouerreacht an other.
SVspend your iudgements till you heare this discourse following, and then as you please censure of a couple of knaues that deceiued one an other: for it hath béen vsed a common by-word, A crafty knaue needs no Broker, by which it should appeare, that a c [...]aftier [Page 25] knaue then a Broker can hardly be found.
A Countrey Lady sent vp a seruant, whom shee might well trust, to prouide her a gowne according to some directions which she had giuen him, and the outside and lace (euery other thing no doubt being answerable) shew that it was of good price: for the Taylor had no lesse then seauenteneene yards o [...] the best black Satten could be got for money, and as much gold lace (beside spangles) as cost thirteene pounds, what else I know not: but let i [...] suffice; thus much was lost: the manner how, followeth [...]hus,
The Satten and lace being brough [...], to the Taylor that should make the Gowne, and spread abroad on the shopboord to be measured; certaine crafty knaues chanced to to goe by, who séeing so rich a lace, and so exce [...]lent good satten, began to lay their heads together, and deuise how they might make purchase of it: and quickly they thought it was to be done, or not at all. In a crew of crafty knaues there is (for the most part) one more ingenious and sub [...]le then the rest, or at least couets to make himselfe more famous then the rest: as in this company there was one at that instant did sweare his cunning should deepely deceiue him, but he would haue both the lace and satten: and hauing layed the plot with the rest, how their helpe might stand him in stéed, they procéeded in this manner:
They noted the Seruingm [...]n well that stood in the sho [...] with the Taylor, and gathered by his diligent attendance that hee had some charge of the gowne to bee made there: By him therefore they purposed to worke their trechery, and to vse him as an instrument to beguile himse [...]fe.
One of them sitting on a seate néere the Taylors st [...]le, could easily héere the talke that passed b [...]twéene the Seruingman and the Taylor, w [...]ere amongst other communicatio [...] it was concluded that the gowne should be made of the self same fashion in euery respect, as an other Ladies was not far off, and that measure being taken by her, th [...] same would fitly serue the Lady for whom the gowne w [...]s to be made. The Seruingman intended to speake wi [...]h [Page 26] the Lady, and vpon a token agreed betwéen them (which he carrlesly spake so loud, that this crafty knaue heard it) he would as her leisure serued, certifie the Taylor, and he should bring the stuffe with him, to haue the Ladies opinion both of the one and the other.
The Seruingman being gone about his businesse, this subtill mate tha [...] had listened to all their talk, acquainteth his Companions both with the determination, and token appointed for the Taylors comming to the Lady. The guide and leader of all the rest for villany, thought there was no one but was better skilled in such matters then in honesty. He appoints that one of them should goe to the Tauerne, which was not far off, and laying two fagots on the fire in a roome by himselfe, and a quart of wine f [...]lled for countenan [...]e of their treachery. An other of that Crew should giue attendance on him as, if hee were his master, being bare headded, and humbly answering (Sir) at euery word. To the Tauerne goeth this crafty counterfeit gentleman, and his seruant waiting on him, where euery thing was performed, as is before rehearsed. When the Master Knaue calling the drawer, demaunded if there dwelt not néer [...] hand a skillfull Tailor, that could make a suit of veluet for himselfe, marry it was to be done with very great spéede.
The Drawer named the Taylor that we now speak off, and vpon the Drawers commendation of his cunning, the man was sent for in all haste to the gentleman, for whom he should make this sute of Veluet. Vpon talke had of the stu [...]fe, and how much was to be boug [...]t of euery thing: hee must immediately take measure of this crafty knaue: this counterfeit gentleman, because hee knew not when hee should return that way again, and afterwards they would goe to the Mercers,
As the Taylor was taking measure of him, bare headded, as if he had been some substantiall gentleman in déed: This crafty mate had c [...]nningly got his purse out of his pocket, at the one string whereof was fastned a little key, and at the other his scale ring: whether hee got any thing [Page 27] thing else or no, he was sure of this booty already, and stepping to the window he cuts the ring from the purse, & by his supposed man (rounding him in the eare) sends it to the plot layer of this knauery, minding to [...]rame the Taylor along with him, as it were to the Mercers, while (he the meane time) tooke order for the other mat [...]er.
Afterw [...]rds speaking loud to his man, Sirra (quoth he) dispatch what I bade you, and about foure of the clock méete me in Pauls, by that time the Taylor and I shal haue dispatcht. To Cheapside goes the hone [...]t Taylor, with a notorious dissembler, not missing his purse for the space of two howers after. In lesse then halfe which time, the Satten and gold lace was likewise gotten by the other Knaue from the Taylors house in this order;
Being sure the Taylor should be kept absent, hee sends an other mate home to his house, who abused his seruants with this deuise; That the Ladies man had met their master abroade, and had him to the other Lady to take measure of her, and least they should delay the time too long, hee was sent for the Satten and lace, declaring the token appointed, and withall giuing the Masters seale ring for better confirmation of his message. The seruants could doe no lesse but deliuer it, being commaunded (as they supposed) by so credible testimony: neither did the leisure of any one serue to goe with the messenger, who séemed an honest young gentleman, and carried no cause of distrust in his countenance: wherefore they deliuered him the lace and Satten, foulded vp togeather as it was, and desired him to will their Master to make some speede home, both for cutting out of worke, and other occasions.
To a Broker fit for the purpose, goes this knaue with the Satten and Lace, who knowing well they could not be com by honestly, nor any thing else he brought of that crew, either gaue them not so much as they would haue, or at least as they iudged they could haue in an other place: for which the Ringleader of the Knauery vowed in his minde to be reuenged on the Broker. The Master Knaue who had spent two howers and more with the Tailor, and would [Page 28] not like of any Veluet: when he perceiued that he mist his purse, and could not deuise how, or where hee had lost it, skewed himselfe very sorry for his mishappe; and said in the morning hee would send the veluet home to his house, knew where to spéed of better then any he had in the sheps; home goes the Taylor very sadly, where hée was entertained with a greater mischance: For there was the Ladies seruingman, swearing and stamping that he had not séene their master since the morning they parted, neither had hee sent for the Satten and Lace: But when the seruants iustified their innocency, beguilded both with the true token rehersed, and their masters seale ring, it excéedeth my cunning to set downe words answerable to the excéeding griefe and amazement on either part: but most of all the honest Taylor, who sped the best by the Brokers wilfulnesse as afte [...]wards it hapned, which made him the better brooke the losse of his purse. That night all meanes were vsed that could bee, both to the Mercers, Brokers, Goldsmiths, Gol [...]finers, and such like, where happily such things doe come to be sold: But all was in vaine, the only help came by the inuenter of this villany, who scant sléeping al night, in regard of the Brokers extreame gaining both by him, & those that he knew practised the like kn [...]ueries. The next morning he ca [...]e by the Taylors house, at what time hee espied him with the Ladies Seruing-man co [...]ming foorth of the doores, and into the Tauerne hee went to report what a mishap he had upon the sending of him thither the day before.
As he was but newly entred his sad discourse, in coms the party offended wihh the Broker, and hauing heard all, (whereof none could make better report of then himselfe) he takes the Taylor and seruingman aside, and pretending great griefe for both their causes, demaundes what they would thinke him worthy of, that could help them to their goods againe. On condition to méete with such a friend, offer was made of fiue pounds, and after sundry spéeches passing betwéene them alone, hee séeming that hée would worke the recouery of them by Art, and they promising [Page 29] not to disclose the man that did them good, he drew foorth a little booke out of his bosome, whether it were lattin, or English it skils not, for he could not read a word on it: then desiring them to spare him alone a while, they should perceiue w [...]at he could doe for them,
Their hearts enco [...]raged with some good hope, kept all his words secret to themselues, and not long had they sitten absent out of the roome, but he called them in againe, and seeming as though he had béen a Scholler in déed, said he found by his Figure that a Broker in such a place, had their goods lost, and in such a place of the house they should finde it; bidding them g [...]r thither with all speede, and as they found his words, so (with reseruing to themselues how they came to knowledge thereof) to meet him there againe in the Euening, and reward him as hee had deserued.
Away in hast goes the Taylor and the Seruingman, & entring the house with the Constable, found them in the place where hee that reuealed it, knew the Broker alwaies laid such gotten goods. Of their ioy again, I leaue you to coniecture and thinke you sée the Broker with a good paire of bolts on his héeles, ready when time shall serue, to take his turne in a halter. The cunning crafty knaue went thus far beyond the Broker, and (as I haue heard) was paid his fiue pounds that night. And thus you may sée the old saying ver [...]fied, That a crafty knaue needs no Broker. One crafty knaue hauing thus beguilded an other, that he brought h [...]m in danger of the Gallows. And heere Conscience brings in an other iest that hapned during the time of his imprisonment, wherein Corruption plaied the chiefe part.
How a Iaylor was corrupted to giue certain prisoners leaue to goe abroad without Keepers.
BEing (as I tould you before) arrested, and clapt vp in the Iayle, from whence you baild mee, I saw and obserued many strange, and almost incredible practises of [Page 30] our Kéeper, a good com [...]y proportioned man, and fit for all companies but good mens, to whom he was a mortal enemy▪ Cut purses, and men of that qu [...]ll [...]ty that wanted no money, were debarred of no liberty: the Orchard to walke in, the Gardain to shoot or vowle in: Prouided their fellows abroade, now and then visited them, and forgot not the Keeper, they had al things at command. Amongst man, of these (to a well knowne, yet wi [...]ckt at) I obserued one notable peece of villany, and that was this.
Our Kéeper (as I said) being a b [...]n Companion, as they terme it, and one that would rather take two purses, then loose one, was in leagued with all the night wanderers of the Countrey: And it hapned a couple of rancke riders, that liued onely vpon Mooneshine Euenings, and misty mornings for bidding a gentleman stand instéed of good-morrow, were apprehended, and committed to prison: where hauing store of Crownes, the Kéeper and they were haile fellow, well met, which continued till their gold fell to an ebbe: well, liue they must, and fare of the best they will, and money they haue none: Now marke how ready this crafty Arch-uillaine Corruption is, to take hold vpon the least occasion that makes for his benefit.
They seeing the condition of their Keeper to bee as most men are, couetous of Crownes and on [...]hat thought the sauour of gain sweet, though gathered from the smoke of Chimneys. One day trayning him into the Garden, began to breake with him to this purpose; Sir so [...], we are Gentlemen, and hold you a man of so good an [...] wel t [...]mper'd constitution, that wee intend to trust not onely our hope of life, but very heart and soule of our secrets into your bosome, and will you but obserue one course that we haue plotted in our thoughts, you shall not onely highly pleasure vs, but without any noted preiudice, much aduantage your self: The Kéeper ready of [...]referment, tooke hold of the last word (vantage) and his gréedy thougts like a woman with child, longed till they saw their déere begotten babe Commodity borne.
Therefore in a resolue, not onely to conceale, but with [Page 31] the vtmost strength of his indeauours, to assist and furth [...]r their procéedings of what condition so [...]uer. After a pottle of wine sent for into the Arbor, hée desired them to unpart their secr [...]ts, which briefely tended to this effect; Sir (quoth one of these goodfellows) you sée our meanes begi [...] to grow shor [...], and by reason of our restrained liberty we canno [...] get abroade to increase it: would it lay in my power (quoth the Kéeper to helpe it, why so it doth, quoth the other, and thats the very end of our suit, I know you haue a couple of good geldings in your stable, l [...]nd vs them for a day or two, and to colour our absence, giue it out that we are sicke, and kéep our chambers, and let vs alone, there shall not a passenger of any sort passe, till his purse hath paid vs tribute, If we feare any pursuit, your Iayle is as safe as a Sanctuary: Graunt but this, and you shal haue your full share, absent, or present, as déep as any. The Iaylor in a full carows of the best blood of the grape, sware to conceale, and what in him lay, to aide their attempt. Twas pitty of his life (answered Feedewell) but what successe had they in their practise? Long they continued that hellish exercise, and so much they presumed vpon their vnexpected Sanctuary, they would not let any passe, but as the prouerb is, All was fish that came to the net: somtimes they staid out a wéeke, somtimes more, or lesse, but still their comming home paid for all: for they neuer came empty; but laden with golden bags, like bées to the hiue. At last (for so long goes the pitcher to the water, that it comes broken home) it was their chance to meet, and set vpon a Gentleman & his two men, fitted with a thousand marks, which was the same man, that at [...]irst was the cause of their imprisonment, and in the hurly burly one of their vizards fell off, by which the gentleman presently knew him, and had a shreud gesse at the other. They not regarding any such matter, being sped of their purpose, set spurres to their horse sides, and by some od by-waies, rid a full fling to their Randeuow, the Kéeper himselfe being at that instant in their company. They gon, the gentleman straight imagined by the smoake whereabout the fire was, sent [Page 32] his man to the next Iustice for a warrant, to call such prisoners before him, to answere to further obiections, by him to be alleadged. The Fellow spared no horse-flesh, but hauing got the warrant drawn, ouertooke his Master entering the Iayle doore, [...]ug in the edge of the euening: [...]ell to be short, they knock at the Castle gate, cald for the Kéeper, word was brought he was cod from home, well, out he drawes the warrant, and by vertue of the contents, commaunded two such prisoners at such a time, and by such a man, for such an offence committed: should without any stay be brought that presēt euening before the Iustice, Answere was made, the two Gentlemen (with griefe as it séemed, for their offence) were sorely sick, and had for two daies togeather k [...]pt their beds: This report gaue full shape and proportion to his former suppose: well they knockt at their Chamber doore, no answere was m [...]de: with the aide and authority of the Constable, they broke it ope, but the Prisoners could not be found. the good wife and seruants were questioned about their depart, they knew nothing, but imagined the thieues had secretly broke prison. Vpon this search has made round about the chā ber, but no likely meanes for their escape could be found, which confi [...]med the Gentlemans thoughts. Well downe they went with an intent to place a strong watch about the Iayle, and whom should hee méet at the stayers foote, but the honest Kéeper, and his two sickly prisoners, whom no sooner spied the gentleman, attended by officers, but their blood left their faces, and their harts fell into their héeles, as the prouerb is. Well, the Constable by vertue of his authority, arrested [...]hem all of flat felony. At which the Iaylor began to storme, and told him both he and the gentleman should déerly repent his wrong, being as honest a man as himselfe, and began to relate how the two Felons (vnknown to him) brake Prison, and stole his geldings secretly out of his stable, and that hee had spent so many crownes, and rod so many horses to death in their quest: and if they had before his comming robd him of his money, he was sorry, but there it was, and what was diminished [Page 33] should be restored, and they satisfie his wrongs with their liues, this bould or rather impudent excuse (the Constable hauing a good opinion of his former conuersation) past with them for currant, and séeing their Commission strecht no further then these two, they wold by no meanes take charge of the Kéeper: the other two they carried to the Iustice, who (as it séemed) touched with the singer of remorse, confessed the iust manner of their procéedings. And what (quoth Feedewell) became of the Hoa [...]? Fearing (as indéed it came to passe) that they would reueale his practise, he put money in his purse, and offered to flye, but was quickly surprised, and at the next Sessious, out of his owne Office condemned, and most worthily hanged. They all replyed that it was too fauourable a death. At the end of this tale they were all about to sing Loath to depart: Nay stay (quoth Nemo) and for a parting blow ile tell you one mad pranke more of a Searcher, done not long since at London: but because I will not bee troublesome,, ile knit it vp in three words, &c.
How certaine Searchers made prey of a Fellow, that hid vncustomd goods in a priuate place of the Shippe, and how cunningly they wrought vpon him.
THey haue an order amongst them at London, that no Merchandise must be carried out of the Land, til it be customd, as they tearme it. Now to the maintaining of this decrée, are certain Searchers appointed: and any such vnwarranted goods, by their authority and place, they may seiz to the Princes vse, & part to themselues. Amongst many other, one honest fellow going to Sea, and willing to make the most he could of his small stock, had bestowed to the value of som twenty pounds, euen al he had, and because he would not goe to the cost to customett, hid it in a priuate place of the ship, and intended to stand to the curtesie of the Searchers: So it chanced, a Searcher more in hope of som smal Bribe, then any care of his duty, came aboord, and found this vncustomd commodity, and as his [Page 34] Office warranted, might haue seised it to the Princes vse, but the owner acquainted with their dealing, came, and put a couple of French crownes in his hand, which so dazled his sight, that he winckt at his small fault, and departed: but marke the profound knauery of this fellow, hée was no sooner a shore, but the first man hee met was a fellow officer of his, to whom he imparted this news, and halfe his gain, vrging him to goe aboord the same ship, and in such a place he should finde a forfeit commodity, and except he would giue him the better consideration, he should (as hee might by his Office) seise it to the Princes vse, which tooke effect: for the poor fellow, rather then he would hazard the whole stocke, was content to giue the second Searcher fiue pounds, for which hee was content this custome of the countrey should be broke, and the Prince robd of his due, but mark how this fellow was rewarded, A third searcher came, sent by the meanes of the other, and without more words tooke it cleane away, and in stéed of conuerting it to'th Kings vse, sold it amongst themselues. He was well enough serued (answered all) that for a priuate commodity would goe about to wrong the state publique, but they were worthy all punishment possible, that being Officers, and sworne to doe equity, should attempt to doe such a notable péece of vilany, that may bring them to the Gallows their lawfull inheritance, without the spéedier amendment.
Wel (says Nemo) séeing the night steales hence, and we haue seuerall businesse in the morning, I will procéed to som of Corruptions iniuries. I left at the great thieues, and the little, som iudging, others hanging, but if you shal aske how the King is deceiued of his customes, the Countrey wrongd by conuay of forbidden Commodities? I answere, that it is only by Corruption, who blindes the Serchers, begs Licenses. does all iniuries: and till hée and all his Officers be cut short, there is no help to bee hoped for.
Therefore Nemo let it bee your worke to draw an inditement against Corruption at the next Sessions, and preferre [Page 35] it to the great inquest of Honesty, what though they bee for the most poore, thats the better for our purpose. Some of the old inquest were mixt with Asses, that had no more wit then the gold that loaded them, others were onely forenoone men, and fitter to ly and sleepe after drinking, and their dinner, then sit or stand on causes betwéene the innocent and the guilty: diuers, or the most part were cherishers and seruants of Corruption, and except some very few, they were hard-hearted cowardly fellows, that for feare of Commitment, durst not speake their consciences: but our inquest of Honesty are confident men, and will rather die then deliuer vntruths: as for example,
- Mr. Humf. Honesty ye Foremā.
- Thomas Teltroth.
- Daniell Dread-naught.
- Samuell Sufferance,
- Peter Pay for-all.
- Clement Consideration.
- Gabriell Goodman.
- Ionas Iudgement.
- Bartholomew Bettercause
- Francis Free-heart.
- Nicholas No-lyer.
- Marmaduke Man-loue [...]
Twelue good men and true: but if any of these should be out of towne, or otherwise imployed, there is,
- Ferdinando Fearelesse.
- Henry Hate-hurt.
- Leonard Loue-trueth.
With sundry other, that Honesty will informe you off, who are no lesse carefull for the wrongs done to vertue, though they be but a few, and poore, then the proudest oppressors are sorry to see the times changed, wherein they thinke to bee called to account for their corruption, and wrongfull extortions, from the sweat and trauell of the painefull labourer.
On this resolution Conscience, and Nemo agréed, and Feedewell said, he would be glad all were well, so twer not long of him, for hee was not able to endure trauell by any meanes: he must féede, and be fat how ere the world wagd. Sir Simon Saywell said, he spake honestly, and like a wise man, and a welthy polititian, whose part it was to meddle [Page 36] with nothing but their own ease, and to séed of what they had, and still to follow the faction of the stronge.
At this Conscience and Nemo in great anger parsed with them, calling them Temporizers, belly gods, and I not not what, but they went laughing away hand in hand, to the next Tap house, there to determine déeply of the matter, by which meanes I was left all alone, wherevpon I tooke pen and ink, which I had by great chaunce about mee, and sitting vpon the side of a green banke, hauing no deske but my knée, set down so neere (as I could) the meaning and drift of their seuerall discourses, and the rather, for that laying open som part of Corruptions enormities, you might iudge with me, whether hee be not that crafty knaue, that needs no Broker, and such an one as is able to confound the common estate and condition, both of Citty, and Countrey.
Pardon me if it answere not your expectation, being it was done in hast, and but the indigested remnant of a dreame: but if you fauour this, ile ride my horse to death, but ile get you a true coppy of Corruptions inditement, answers, arraignement, sentence, and execution: and labour to frame all to your g [...]nerall good likings.