THE MAN IN THE MOONE, TELLING Strange Fortunes. OR, THE ENGLISH FORTVNE-TELLER.
TRauelling a long iourney, and striuing one day beyond my reach, the sudden approach of the night preuented me, so that being vnexperienced in the way, and seeing no reasonable creature to direct me, I was affrighted: The starres stared vppon me, beasts looked wistly after me, battes flew about mine eares, and the owle whooted ouer mine head: no plow-men whistling alongst the fallowes: no shepheard singing ouer the downes: the Partrage was not diseased by the Spaniell: the Hare stole his foode without feare of the hue and crie of Hounds and hunters: whistnesse had taken possession of the woods, stilnes made aboad in the fieldes, and darkenes domineered in the Zodiacke, no light had I to see my footsteps: no voice heard I to make vnto: thus I wandred I knew not where, came to a place, I knew not whether, and had a glimsse of one sitting in a porch, I knew not whom. A while I stood a [Page] loose, leaning on my staffe like a wearied Pilgrime, and meditated with myselfe, whether fortunately, or vnhappily I stumbled thither; by the sollitarinesse of the house I iudged it a Lodge in a Forrest, but there was no bawling of dogges thereabout; by the multiplicity of barnes, I thought it some Farmers tenement, but there was no grunting of swine neare it: by the moate about, it seemed some Gentlemans Mannor, but I could espie no Wagges watching, nor wantons wagging out, to breath themselues when their Maddam was couered: what it was, after I had eaten a little heart a grasse, which grew at my feete, I feared not, and who was the owner, I greatly cared not: but boldly accosted him, and desired house-roome: he pried in my face, tooke me by the hand, ledde me into his house, placed me in a chaire by the fire, and without any intergatories, saluted me courteously, and went into an other roome; strange it was, and struck me in some dumpes, but considering his gentle action and grauity, I a little reuiued: for he was of yeares many, of stature reasonable, of complexion sanguine, no pride in his apparell, no sullennesse in his lookes, silence sate in his hall, and sobriety in his butteries, temperance in his kitchin, and chastitie in his chambers, no scoulding with his Cookes, nor carrousing with his Seruingmen: This I obserued, and sat very sadly, till a strip in requested me to follow him, where the old man sat at a table furnished, not superfluously, but with sufficient nourishment; downe he bad me sit and welcome, Grace he said (then thought I, there is no feare in this place, if there be grace) that which stood before me I fed on, and dranke when need required: being well refreshed, as he beganne with thankesgiuing, so he ended supper, and then said thus soberly vnto me: Sonne you might marueile at your entertainement, and repute mee mute or simple to vse no more words nor circumstances at my first view of you, but it is my fashion, as they which know me, know. For suppose I should aske you, what you are? A stranger I [Page] know you are, and being a stranger vnto me, you may say as well what you are not, as what you are: had I demaunded whence you came or whither you would, for the one you might haue told me a contrary tale, and for the other your selfe is vncertaine: from what parentage you are descended, I might question you, it is friuolous and womanish, if your qualities be degenerate: how you were educated, I might examine you, it is superfluous, your demeanour will informe me: fall to your meate, I might haue bidden you, it is needlesse if you had a stomacke: drinke to you I might; it may be I desire no further acquaintance of you, till I knowe your conditions further: but howsoeuer if you be my friend, to vse you vnkindly, were ingratitude: are you mine enemy? to vse you friendly is charity: if you are capable, you do vnderstand my meaning, and shall know more ere we part: if you are ignorant, you may tast part of my mind by the meat drinke and lodging I bestowe gratis vpon you. This is short and sensible, thought I, and made him this answere in his owne Dialect: Sir, if I could not gratifie your kindnesse with louing words, you might deeme me rusticall: if I should not labour to repay your loue with my kindest requitall, you might esteeme mee vnthankefull: but seeing I cannot instantly performe the one, I will remaine your debter in very deede, and in one word, heartily thanke you for this vnexpected courtesie, and howsoeuer I may seeme rude and illiterate, yet was I long trained vp where good manners grew, and learning flourished. I was once my selfe a louer of the Muses too (said hee) but I had a running head, and would take no setled course, many countries haue I trauelled, and beheld sundrie manners, but when age beganne to tame, that neuer otherwise suppressable, indomitam iuuentutem, I pent my selfe in this house, where I haue long time beene resident: much preferment might I haue mounted to, but I knew it troublesome, plus aloes quam mellis habens: choise of wiues I might haue made, but by [Page] the triall of others, I perceiued them but mala necessaria, inconuenient commodities: great riches could I haue gathered, but I found them fuller of perturbations then pleasures: if I might liue alwaies, perchance then I should make me a Tabernacle vpon earth, but considering how small a time I haue allotted in the earth, I respected riches as the Sand I trample on, reiected honour as a bubble, a puffe of winde, vocem populi, a meere sound: and weighed women as lightlie as fethers. No my sonne, that which God hath bestowed vpon me I am contented withall. If I am now base, my griefe is the lesse: I was neuer better, if I am poore, my sorrow is the fuisse faelicem, I was neuerricher: yet haue I that with sufficeth nature, and this is my greatest griefe, because I haue separated my selfe from the world, and labour to helpe such as want, and wil take paines to come to me, aut consolundo aut consi [...]io aut re I am accounted amongst the silly a cunning man, a South-sayer, or Diuiner, one that can tell fortunes.
Somnia terrores magicos micacula sagus Nocturnos lemures portenta (que) Thessali pideus Hor.Beleeue me sir (said I) it is so bruted here about, and that to morrow many will resort vnto you, to knowe their fortunes, whereof I was one, not with purpose to know my fortune, for I thinke it proper only to the Omnipotent.
You say well, and it is my affliction that they should attribute that to me which perteineth to my Maker: yet since I am constrained I will shew them their fortunes, and what will betide them euery one: but now seeing it waxeth late and you wearie, I referre you to your rest for this part of the night, and in the morning you shall heare more. Kindly we parted, and the next day when I was vp and ready, I found the olde man seated in a chaire: who willed me to take my place as a spectator.
He sat very soberly like Hypocrates, his beard was reuerent and his face wrinckled, a plaine gowne girded close about his loyues, a paire of blacke buskins vpon his legges, a fur'd night cap on his head, and a paire of thicke mittens [Page] vpon his hands: on his left side stood a pert Iuuinall, as readie to giue the welcome to all commers, as a boy in a barre, and as nimble as a parasite in an old commodie: he was called Mockso, which in mocking sort described vnto Fido the fantasticallity of each mans apparell, and apishnesse of gesture, who by their apparell and gesture would giue a shrewd guesse at their inclinations.
On the right side stood another, but of riper yeares, and more stayed carriage, yet some what criticall and taunting: he Cognominated him Opinion, whom he had so throughly instructed in Phisiognomie, that he would anotonize any ones condition at the first sight, and so apparantly display them, that Fido his Master wou,d tell what would betide them: thus were these three addressed as actors:
Mockso, Described the habite and gesture.
Opinion, Reueiled their conditions.
Fido, Tolde euery man his fortune, as he came vnto him, for the same intent: long had they not staied, but one knocked at the gate, as if he meant to burst it open: see who is there, said Fido, Mockso skipped to the doore, giuing euery one the faelicem aduentum, and returned, saying:
The description of the Drunkard comming in a merrie humour to know his Fortune by Mockso.
SYr, I may be glad I had neuer a beard, hee would haue singed it with his flaming nose, whatsoeuer he be, hee is troubled with an horses disease, the staggers, I thinke your pales anger him, he doth iustle them on both sides: Oake he saith they are made of, and spitteth whole pottels against them; Eheu quid faciam? What an hue is his face of? and his teeth as nastie as if they laie in a graue these seuen yeres: his cloake will neuer hide his knauerie it is so tottered, and his breeches will shame all, if he take wide strides: hee hath no hat-band nor girdle, they lie in trouble for two Cannes: [Page] now he setteth his hat on the toe side, and commeth sailing in like a shippe in a tempestuous tide.
The opinion of the Drunkard.
THis fellow is one of the faithfull (as they prophanelie terme him) (said Opinion) no Heliogabalus at meat, but he will drinke many degrées beyond a Dutchman: if you loue him pledge that health, and if you be a good fellow, make no more such snuffes: his kingdome is an Alehouse, and his Scepter a Can, which is seldome out of his hand: You queanes or knaues he crieth, no attendance vpon gentlemen here, though he be but a Tinker: fill vs the other dozen, it is but taking Ludgate one yeare sooner: then hee flingeth the glasses against the wals, as if they cost nothing: and daunceth a round about a Can, as if it were a Maypole: then he doth driuell h s Hostesse, and will dallie with any that weareth a Crosse-cloth: then hee careth not for a deare yeare, nor to pay his Landlord, but all that hee can get or borrow goeth to the pot: To be briefe with him, hee is his Masters hinderance, if he be a seruant: his seruants torment, if he be a Master: his wifes crosse, if he be an husband: his childrens beggering, if he be a father: his owne ruine, whatsoeuer he is, a detested drunkard.
Fido. The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Drunkard, wherein he telleth him his Fortune.
TRue is the Prouerbe, though fustie to fine wits, when the drinke is in, the wit is out: but seeing you haue set a broach the drinke, and drawne out all the dregs too, we may gather the wit is in: the vice you are so addicted to, is drunkennesse, the mother of [Page] all Mischiefe, the fewell of Filthinesse, the roote of Rogeries, the distemperance of the Head, the subuersion of the Senses, the ship-wracke of Honestie, the losse of time, and voluntarie madnesse, an ignominious languor, the detestation of manners, the disgrace of life: abhorred of God, detested of Angels, derided of men. Yet although it be thus horribly detestable and ridiculous to God, Angels, and men, though it be thus preiudicial to your soule, body, and substance: yet were it a more easie matter to drawe Hercules his club out of his hand, then to driue you or any of your crew, from this filthie sinne: but you would turne like the dogge to his vomite, let me or any other perswade you as we can: and that which causeth me to be thus opinioned you are so delighted therewith, that you preferre the pleasure thereof, before all other preferment: and now I thinke of it, I remember a prettie tale not impertinent to the same purpose. A Gentleman of good worth, as he was riding alongst the high way, mette a sturdie fellow, who requested his almes: the Gentleman replied, that it was shame for him to begge, being yong and lustie, he was able to worke, or fit to serue, if he were in apparell: True Sir said the begger, but apparrell is not so easily gotten, by such a poore man as my selfe: goe home with mee said the Gentleman, and I will suite thee new, and thou shalt waite vpon mee: Sir, aunswered the begger, I haue a good suite of apparell in the next village, which lieth not for aboue eight-pence, if you will helpe me to that first, I shall thinke my selfe beholding vnto you, and will tell you more: [Page] the Gentleman rid, as he ledde him: who brought him to an alehouse, and request him to alight, and enter with him: the Gentleman was contented and sat downe, expecting when he would call for his apparell, that he might redeeme it, and take him along with him: the begger called to his Hostesse, saying: Hostesse bring hither my Shirt, shee brought him a black pot of ale which he drank off: now said he bring me my Dublet, then she brought him another pot of Ale which he dranke off: now my breeches, another pot she brought him, that he dranke off: now bring my hose & shooes, then she brought him two blacke pots of Ale, those he drank off, now my hat band and cloake, then she brought him three blacke pots of Ale, which he dranke off: when he had done this, he said, Gentleman, this is the suite I told you off, and now I haue it, I thinke I am as well apparelled as an Emperour: the Gentleman smiling, paied for this ale, and departed: so some of you might it aduantage them neuer so much, will neuer forsake their drunkennesse:The Dunkards Fortune. this therefore is your fortune you shall spend all your money and runne so long on the score that the very wind pipe of your credite shall bee so choat, that if you doe not drinke it out with readie pay, your hostesse will kicke you out of her doores: your wife will wish you in your graue, your friendes be ashamed of you, your enemies triumph ouer you: sober men shall shunne your companie, boyes laugh at you as you passe by them: your bodie shall bee subiect to diseases: you shall liue with neuer a penie in your purse, neuer a totter on your backe, no man [Page] will commit any matter of trust or secresie vnto you, and in fine you shall lie and die in some ditch, vnder some staule or in some prison: if you like your fortune, proceede as you haue hither too: but if you abandon it, better fortune will betide you: the drunkard began to come prettily well to himselfe and walked somwhat soberlie aside: and then Mockso whipped to the gate.
The Tobackonist commeth in a Brauado to the Fortune-teller: Mockso describeth him as he approached.
WHo is that, said Fido? Sir quoth Mockso I know not certainlie, but I thinke he cometh to play you a fitte of mirth, for I behelde pipes in his pockette, Now he draweth forth his Tinder-boxe and his touch-wood, and falleth to his tacklings: sure his throate is on fire, the smoake flyeth so fast from his mouth: blesse his beard with a bazen of water least he burne it: some terrible thing hee taketh, it maketh him pant and looke pale, and hath an odious taste, he spitteth so after it: A Boule and a Broome some bodie, if he holdeth on thus long, hee will make a puddle in your porch and keepeth such a snuffing and puffing, that he maketh all smoake againe.
Opinion of the Tobackonist.
O Haue patience Mockso (said Opinion) he is at his breake-fast: it is his heauen or rather hell: I should thinke it sendeth forth such mistes, fogges, and vapours, fiue Chimnies well fewel'd vent not more smoake then his [Page] mouth and nostrils: a man were better haue his house situated between two Brew-houses, then a but vpon his Mansion: I had rather thrust my head into a Iakes, then peepe into his chamber. And nothing so noisome were it, to bee yeoman to a close stoole, as to continue within fortie foote of his breathing, yet is the causer of these inconueniences, meat and drinke to him, and he loueth it aboue the loue of women: it is his mornings draught when he riseth, his conserues or cates, when he hath well dined, his after noones nuncious, and when he goeth to bedde, his posset smoaking hote: hee will not walke farre, nor talke long without it: nay he will loose his victuals rather then neglect it: pawne his hat band but he will haue it. To be breefe with him, he is his owne strengths enféebler, his beauties blemisher, his wittes blunter, his memories decayer, and his appetites abater. A toyish Tobackonist.
The Oration of Fido to the Tobackonist, shewing his fortune.
SIr, said Fido, if I should extract the best counsell I could, being disswasiue from your Tobacko-taking, you would take it in snuffe, custome hath so strongly combined you therunto, that it were too indissoluble a knot for me to vntye: yet this let me tell you, that it is as an incensed Atropos to a long life, clipping off the thred before it be thoroughly spun, decaying and drying vp the prolonger of breath: but you are perswaded, as others few, that it doth procure the contrary: you thinke it a medicine for euery maladie; giue you Tobacko, and a figge for the Physitian: say it were Physicke, as you affirme, yet Physicke is not taken at al times and seasons, continually without [Page] Interim: neither is one kind of Physicke adminstred to all bodies, constitutions, and diseases: but Tobacko may bee compared to the potion which Circe gaue to Vlisses souldiers, metamorphosing them into swine: so this pretious weede, as you esteeme it, doth so selfe-besot those which take it, that like swine they wallow in the myre of their admiring conceits: that neither reason can rule them, nor experience of others harmes sustained thereby, make them refraine. I will not denie, that conceit may worke wonders: but those wonders are onely in conceite, as I haue heard of some, who through an irreformable conceit, haue imagined their noses to be as bigge as Pinnicles, to flye in the ayre, contend and quell Diuels by their owne naturall strength: so you, only by conceit, thinke richly of the operation of your Indian Pudding, hauing contrarie qualities in it, a thing repugnant to Philosophy, and working miraculous matters, a quillit aboue nature: as if you be fat, then you take it to make you leane, (against the walles I hope you meane) if leane, then it will make you fat, put V. and S. to fat and I will beleeue you: if dull, quicke witted: if obliuious, reuiue your memories, doing these things and many more; and helping all manner of diseases, the poxe it will as soone. But I could easily refute these, and all your opinions, had not this text beene thoroughly trauer'st and condemned with great iudgement and learning,Didimus wrote ten thousand bookes of Grammer. Agrip. de vani. Scien. in a solemne disputation; and in the booke, entituled, Worke for a Chimnie sweeper: and were there as many volumnes written concerning this subiect, as Didimus [Page] wrote of the Grammer, you would martyre them, leafe by leafe, and light your pipes at the flame: Nitimur in vetitum, that which wisedome doth forbid folly will follow. This therefore is your Fortune, if you leaue not taking your Indian stuffe betime, custome will so confirme you to it,Vincere consuetudinem dura est pugna. that when you perceiue the inconueniences, and feele the folly therof, you cannot forsake it, though you will: you shall die before your date: your body shall be in subiection to sundrie sicknesse, and so sooted with the smoake thereof, that it will be as foule as hell, sending forth such a filthy sent, that your breath will bee death to your wife, or any that sent it, but such as your selfe: Aside the Tobackonist stepped, and another knocked at the gate.
The Prodigall commeth stalking in, to know his fortune, Mockso decyphering his apparrell and gate.
VVHo is that, said Fido?
Mockso answered: Sir I know not of what Countrey, Nation, Sex or fashion he is, his face is like a mans: but by the tone side of his head like a woman: some purblinde Barber powled him, to cut his haire so vnequally, and leaue one locke a quarter of a yard longer then the other: by the blocke of his head (put them both together, and see what they spell) he should bee a Spaniard, but his dublet sheweth him a Frenchman: now I sée his breeches made like a paire of Smiths Bellowes, erected with the small end vpwards: he seemeth a Walloone: marrie there is no excesse in his cloake, he tooke the length thereof by the old apes of Paris Garden: a sweete youth no doubt, for he hath two [Page] Roses on his shoes, to qualifie the heat of his feete: he looketh very bigly, and commeth prauncing in.
Opinion of the Prodigall.
THis Prauncer (said Opinion) hath beene a wilde colt, and leaped thorough many honest mens gates in his dayes: he was his fathers dotage, and his mothers darling; he hath spent more vpon his paunch then the Primate of Belly gods: gusted downe his throate more then Cleopatra quaffed in a Brauado to Marke Anthonie: layed more gold vpon his backe, then that which procured passage for the Asse into the Castle would defray: naturall meat will not suffice him, he feedeth artificially: natiue apparell will not content him, he flieth for vplandish fashions: honest matrimonie is not for his loines, hee watcheth nightly, and walketh by day, to entrappe other mens wiues: he is neuer safe, but when he is in pestilent companie: neuer well, but when he is euill employed, Whores he supporteth, Vintners he aduanceth, Tailers he maketh Gentlemen, if he be not too farre in their bookes: to be briefe, he is Lecheries Maecenas, idlenesse patrone, Prides founder, Gluttonies erector, Drunkennesse good god-father: an impudent Prodigall.
The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Prodigall, declaring the inconueniences of dissolute liuing, and his Fortune.
SIr, you are generously descended,Diuitiae, par [...] tes, amici, &c. sunt vt illius animus qui ea possidet, qui vti scit, ei bona, qui non recte vtitur mala. the greater is your shame, to expose your selfe to an ignoble course of liuing: much riches were you bequeathed, the more is the pittie, you haue so little grace to misemploy them, well are you featured, it is ill bestowed [Page] vnlesse you would preserue your beautie better: for that which GOD and nature haue ordeined for your good, by your ill vsing, you turne to your owne ouerthrowe: had your progenitors runne the race you doe, they had neuer wonne the Golden ball, which made you a Gentleman: you assume it an eminence, to be rarely arrayed: others being wise, are not so conceited: you suppose it a great glory to lash your coyne, you care not where, nor vppon whom; though they will aduance you, which receiue benefite thereby, yet such as will not profite themselues by such meanes, resemble you to a Candle, which wasteth it selfe to giue other light: you esteeme it an extraordinarie happinesse to be in fauour with many and sundry beauties, you shall feele the contrarie, pride will procure your fall, when you wot not of it: excesse deuoure your riches, ere you are aware: variety decay your bodie, when you think it doth most delight it: and when your bodie is decayed, your wealth deuoured, your selfe fallen, goe to your Gossips, which now will hang like goodly iewels about your necke, and come with your purse emptie: stabis Homere foras, you may stand like an impecunious Whore-master at their doores: come to your Tradsemen, which now cappe and cringe you, and see if you shall receiue any further comfort, then monefull words, Alasse, it is pittie, would wee were able (good wishes for themselues:) and last of al, frequent the Ordinaries, which you haue in a manner enriched, and marke how they will moane their own mischances, how they sit at an vnmerciful rent: [Page] what losses they haue susteined by pilfering; how many haue runne away in their debts, and a thousand such circumstances, which you neuer heard, nor are likely, so long as you haue money or meanes.
Whilst you are mounted on the throne of fortune, great men will countenance you, Gallants be your associates, Parasites flatter you, Brokers borrow for you, Vsurers lend you, Citizens cap you, Lawyers plead for you, Seruingmen crouch to you, Wantons hang like Burres vpon you: but when you are deiected vnder the wheele of chance, great men will not greatly regard you, Gallants hoist their toppes and toppe Gallants, and saile from you, Flatterers shun you, Brokers will not brooke you, Vsurers vse you rigorously, Tradsemen treade on the to side of the way, Lawyers leaue you, Seruingmen hang the head as they meete you, Wantons wish or worke your ouerthrowe. This therefore is your Fortune, If you proceede as you haue begunne, your full feeding wil make you leane, your drinking too many healthes will take all health from you, your leaping the pale will cause you looke pale, your too close following the fashion, will bring you out of all forme and fashion, your carelesse life will lead you to a miserable death: yet you may preuent your misfortunes, if now you will take opportunity: you haue some wealth left, husband it carefully: of a little well ordered will [Page] rise more profite, then much carelesly disposed: yet your wit is pregnant, by industrie you may season it with wisedome: yet your bodie is not past cure, newbred diseases are soone remedied: if you scoffe at me for my good will, you may repent when you lie like a nutmegge in a grate, or ride post with a hempen halter out of the world: but if you accept it, much good may it doe you.
The Gallant very pensiuely walked aside, and Mockso went to the gate.
The Seruingman waiting on this Gallant, commeth in to know his Fortune, whom Mockso decyphereth.
Who is it, said Fido?
A most courteous creature, answered Mockso, So, stroke vp your fore-toppe in any case; pish, your band hangeth right enough: what? yet more creuises in your stockings: fie vpon it, how complementall he is, and kisseth his hand as if he were in loue with it.
Opinion of the Seruingman.
THis fellow (said Opinion) though he be no drunkard, yet he is none of his owne man, he was a pretty boy, an handsome stripling, and is a proper man, peeuish in his childhood, proude in his youth, prodigall now in his best yeares: he spendeth his portion in hope of preserment, wasteth his substance in liewe of aduancement, consumeth quite all in expectation of some requitall; his greatest felicity is to court the Chamber maides in a corner, and his chiefest exercise to make his Masters friends dependants drunke; bee fawneth vpon them his Master fauoureth, and frumpeth [Page] those his Mistresse frownes on: he was trained vp in some point of a Ioyners trade to make legges, and the best part of his Rhetoricke is I forsooth, and no forsooth: the iniunctions he standeth bound too, is to runne at all calles, rise at all houres, and ride in all seasons: eating that which his Master left, and wearing that which his Master left, if hee can get it: which sheweth that he is the Ante-ambulo of a Gentle woman, the consequent of a Gentleman, the antecedent of a Port-mantua or a Cloke-bagge: A Seruingman.
Fidoes Oration to the Seruingman, teaching him briefely how to behaue himselfe in seruice, and telling him his Fortune.
INgratefull and hard hearted are many of our age, respecting none but such as profite and pleasure them at the instant: industrious therefore ought you be, to get your Masters fauour, and hauing gotten it, circumspect to keepe the same: and albeit some there are, respecting their seruices no longer then they supplie their lustes and lucre, thrusting them out of their gates vnrewarded for the smallest trifle and displeasure, conceiued against them; yet the world knoweth, and thousands will acknowledge the fluent liberality of true bred Gentillity, extended to their followers: who by the raising hand of their Lords assistance, haue ascended many high and loftie steppes of dignity: but such Masters are not sowne euerie where, neither were they swaggering drunkards, or swearing Iackes, which haue thus flourishingly [Page] sprowted vp by seruice: but men of good demeanor and well quallified: for the wise looke not only on the out sides, they prie into behauiour, integritie and vprightnesse: It is not profound quaffing or domineering will doe you any good, roysting and ryoting wil neuer raise you (vnlesse vp to the Gallowes.) This therefore is your fortune, If you be in good seruice, and will not with care and diligence keepe you in it, when you would haue the like againe, you shall goe without it: if you take time you may thriue, but if you let him passe by, you may call your heart out, and neuer reclaime him: for time though hee be an olde man, yet he is quicke of foote, and hauing gotten the start of any, is neuer ouer-taken: if you gather nothing in the Summer of your youth, in the Winter of your age you may goe begge: for hee that might doe well and would not, when hee wanteth shalbe vnpittied, and when you become old & poore too, then shall you be spurned with the heele of disdaine by euery foote-boy: reiected as an old woman which spent her youth wantonly, then shall you heare of your olde vagaries, your former follies shal be laide in your dish: if in your iollity you wronged any, they will wait for reuenge in the time of your want and weakenesse: when the Lion was olde and toothlesse, the Asse reuenged an inueterate iniurie he had sustained long before, but now you are in place, if you demeane your selfe honestly: now you are young preserue that you get carefully: now you are in seruice, performe it faithfully: you may hereafter purchase much comfort, goods and credit. So [Page] the creature followed his Master, and another knocked at the gate.
The lewde woman commeth to knowe her Fortune, whom Mockso describeth entring.
WHo is that, said Fido?
One with a maske forsooth, because you may aske, (said Mockso) a woman of tall stature and vpright bodie (it is wel if her life be like it) high forehead round cheeks, dimpled chinne, sleeke necke, and slender waste, in a light coloured hat, light coloured fanne, light coloured gown, though she were in the darke, she would appeare a light woman.
Opinion anatomizing the conditions of the wicked Woman.
O (Said Opinion) this is one of your lazie liquerous Lasciuious feminine ingenderers, more wauering then a Wethercocke, more wanton thenan Ape, more wicked then an Infidell, the very sinke of sensuality, and poole of putrifaction: a Sylla to Citizens, and Caribdis to Countrie men: a comfort for cut-purses, and a companion for conycatchers: a Factor for many Tauerns, and Benefactor for most Barber-Surgeons: a palsie to the bodie, a canker to the soule, a consumption to the purse: by birth commonly a Bastard, by nature a Camball, by art a puritan: in aluring a Syren, in shew a Saint, in deede a Diuell; and in plaine English, a Whoore: of all iniquities beleeue her not, for shee liueth by lying: touch her not, for she is pitch, inquinans omnes qui tangunt eam: proffer her nothing, for she wil pocke eat al. And now sir shee appeareth in her lightnesse before you.
The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Mercinarie wicked woman, declaring the abomination of her life and fortune.
FAire creature, as I haue beene effectually informed of your conditions: so would I labour to reforme them: but I might with as great hopes vndertake to make a black More white, as to change your minde, and easier raise an olde Oake from the earth with my decrepit shoulders, then roote out that lust which hath so long time beene set in your heart: yet if you would consider the inconueniences thereof, which are, to effeminate the minde, weaken the bodie, endanger the soule, it might proue a motiue to disswade: you would account your selfe madd, if knowing poison to be blended in a lumpe of suger: you should for the sweetnesse of the suger, swallowe the poyson: what then can you make now of your selfe, knowing lust a pleasant poyson, hindering your health, ingendering diseases, bringing age before his time, blemishing your beauty, ere it be out of the blossome, dulling your wit before it be well grounded: and drawing your minde from all vertuous cogitations, this you know for certainty, yet you will liue in sensuality disdaining Diana, and be a votarie to Venus: contemning Vesta, and deuoting your selfe to quotidiall daliance: making a mock at marriage, you will not enter into the bondes thereof, because you will liue loosely, without controll or subiection of [Page] an husband: yet are you seruile to all slauerie, & subiect to the controlement of euery swaggerer: he that hath money may command you: he that can dominere will insult ouer you, making you crouch and curuet when he pleaseth: but if no warning wil make you wise, this then will be your fortune: You shall be ferrited like a Cony out of euery burrow, baited like a Beare, whipped like a Iade, long shall you not dare to abide in one place, Authority will so closely pursue you: what you get in a quarter, you shall spend in a moneth: nothing that you get will prosper with you: and what beauty & delectation your body now containeth, shall be of small continuance, your haire which now is fast and thick, shall fall from your head like leaues in Autumne: your forehead which now is smooth, shall soone be wrinkled like parched parchment: your complexion which now is sanguine, shall be of a saffron colour, your cheekes thinne, your nosethrils putrifactions, your mouth toothlesse, your breath noysome, your flesh rotten, your bones cankerous, your pleasure shall be turned into paine, your singing into sorrow: Aches shall lodge in your head, anguish in your heart, diseases in euery part & parcell of your body: and after all these, thy soule suffer perpetuall torments. A side she walked, and Mockso without any knocking, skipped to the doore, for the Wagge imagined, shee could not want companions or seruants in this age, so long as her good face lasted.
The retainer, which waited on the woman, entereth to know his fortune, whom Mockso describeth as hee enters.
IS there any other come (said Fido?) There is one comming, answered Mockso, he will scarce sée the way in, his haire hangeth so in his light: Fatuus in facie, & leno in corpore, He looketh fat in the face, and leane in the body: how full of choler he is? yet so long as those huge flops swagge about him, he will be in some compasse: his bootes are wrinkled, as though they were made of olde wiues faces: what capt on the toes? sure he will not put off one of those caps to the best man that méeteth him, & in sober sadnesse his spurres haue scaped a scouring, they looke so rustily, whatsoeuer he be, I thinke he would proue an honest man, if hee would wash his face and serue God.
Opinion vpon the retainer.
SErue God (said Opinion) the diuell he will as soone, hee hath not séene the insides of a Church these seuen yeares, vnlesse with deuotion to pick a pocket, or peruert some honest mans wife, he would on purpose be pued with all: villanie is his contemplation, ribaldrie his talke, and detestation his déedes, Cardes are his darlings, wherewith he playeth, and a paire of Dice his onely Paradice: he will omit no villanie, he can cleanly commit, he will cheat his father, cosen his mother, and cony-catch his owne sister, if he can imagine the meanes how: his owne wife he will make a prostitute for mony, and hold the candle to any incarnate diuell, whilst he committeth the déedes of darknesse with her, sixe pence will make him sweare or forsweare any thing: in a word, he is a Post for Puncks, an Harbinger for Whoremongers, [Page] a Blood-hound for Bawdes: a perfidious Pander.
Fido his speech to the Pander, shewing his lewdnesse and fortune.
O Lamentable, thy case is damnable, thy trade odious, thy selfe abominable, thou art a man whose conditions I know not by experience, neither haue I reade of many such as thy selfe in auncient Writers, yet some of thy sect there were, of whom I tooke little notice, because I neuer meant to haue any commerce with them: notwithstanding, seeing I haue heard so much, I could amply delate of thy sinne, but I know it needlesse, for my hope is, I haue deiected the foundation, whereon all thy practises are built, I meane the woman thy Mistresse, which was euen now with me, and if shee fall from her former follie, thou canst not stand, vnlesse thou gettest some crooked prop to support thee, which cannot hold long: expect therefore no other fortune, then vntimely death, either by the stab in some drunken fray, managed in the defence of your maintainer, or by some disease got by her, or by the halter, if you doe not alter: away the Pander walked after his Mistresse, and another knocked at the gate.
The extortioner hobleth to know his fortune, and is described by Mockso, as he entereth.
VVHo is that, said Fido, that commeth next? Vetus, vietus, veternosus senex: a wise man Ile [Page] warrant him, for he can kéepe him selfe warme: no friend to the Barber it should séeme, by his rusticall, ouer growne and vnfinified beard: his gowne is throughly foxt, yet he is sober, for hee looketh as though he quenched his thirst with whay and water, rather then with wine and stout Béere, and his Mandilion edged round about with the stigmaticall Latine word Fur; a ruffe about his neck, not like a Ruffian but inch broad, with small sets, as if a péece of a Tobacco pipe had béene his poking stick, his gloues are thrust vnder his girdle, that you may sée how he rings his fingers: blesse his worship, now he commeth coughing in.
Opinion of the Extortioner comming to know his fortune.
HE is (said Opinion) miser qui nummos admiratur, miserable or an able miser, which maketh much of money, Gold is his God, and Siluer his Saint, Bondes are his Bibles, and Obligations his Horizons, Scriueners are his Priests, which doe his seruice, and consoning Brokers his Christian brethren. Security is his secretarie, and Sergeants his seruing men: he liueth by vse, like a Bawde, and dealeth deceitfully, like a cheating gamester: he is a rare Alchimist, which from a little gold and siluer wil abstract a million in time: Better is a poore Gentleman to fall into the pawes of a Lion, then betweene his clutches, and may with more safety escape the gripe of a she Beare, then to be released from his leases: to be briefe with him: he is an insatiable cormorant, or rather corne-vorant, a bottomlesse Barathrum, a mercilesse mony-monger, a filthy forty in the hundreth, an vnconscionable Extortioner.
Fido his Oration to the Extortioner, displaying his damnable dealing, and Fortune.
FAther, you are welcome, and without feare or flatterie, I will breefely tell you my minde: You haue long traffickt in a wicked and vnlawfull trade, wicked I call it, because it is repugnant to the lawes of the highest enacter of all decrees: vnlawfull I may auouch it, because I neuer knew nor heard of any good law maintaining it: for the former, if you run ouer the booke of bookes, you shall finde many fearfull iudgements denounced against you, and the latter you cannot contradict it by no Countrie lawes, which although they flatly denie thee, to take aboue tenne in the hundreth, a veniall sinne in respect of thy capitall and deadly offence: yet dooth it not authorise thee to take so much, but taxeth thee if thou vsurpest any more. But what should I talke of this text, which hath beene throughly intreated of by better and more iudicious then my selfe? or why should I wast my breath to thee, which hast neither faith, hope nor charity? What doe I talke of these thinges to thee, whom the loue of riches hath so besotted, that it is impossible to diuert it? or how should I thinke to preuaile by disswading: Cum te ne (que) feruidus aestus Dimoueat lucro, ne (que) hyemps, ignis, mare, ferrū: when neither the parching heate, nor benumbing cold; neither fire, sword, nor sea, can disswade:
Therfore if your future fortune (That is,Quis pauper? auarus Auson. Semperinops qui cun (que) cupit. Clau. that which shall light vpon you hereafter, will not drawe you from your daily practising the same, nothing will) which is this: You shall alwaies want, though you haue neuer so much, semper auarus eget, Hor. though thou art a Master, thou shalt be alwaies a seruant, moyling for a mite, and watching to saue a pennie; thou shalt liue in perpetuall terrour and feare, shee that lyeth in thy bosome shall make thee suspitious, least she steale from thee; they which were begotten of thine owne bodie, will scarre thee, least they robbe thee: all that looke neere the place, where thy gold lyeth, thou wilt be iealous of, least they lurke to defeate thee of it: Non vxor saluum te vult, non filius, omnes Vicini oderunt noti pu eri at (que) puellae: thy wife will wish the hanged, thou keepest her so barely; thy children pray for thine end, thou maintainest them so basely; thy neighbours and kinsfolkes speake broadly of thee, thou vsest them so cruelly; and when thou art dead, Diuels hurry thee to perdition, wishes damne thee to euerlasting torments, and cursses consort with thy funerall: Nay thy wife shall be enamored of some spend-all, which shall wast all as licentiously as thou hast heaped together laboriously: thy children neuer thriue with ought thou diddest bequeath them, it was so vilely gotten, and thy name either vtterly blotted out, or remaine infamous to posterity. If you like your fortune proceed, but if you mislike it, desist from your racking and raysing, your powling and pinching the poore: recompence [Page] them which you haue wronged, or at the least, iniury none no more, but doe good according to the quantity of your goods, and so you may bring a blessing to your selfe and posterity. The Extortioner walked aside, and another knocked at the gate.
The Glutton entreth to know his fortune, whom Mockso decyphereth.
WHo is next, said Fido?
Monstrum horrendum informe ingens, A monstrous man (said Mockso) your gate is too little for this Grecian horse, if you cause not part of your wall to be plucked downe, he cannot come in: God bee thanked, hee hath the witte yet, to enter f [...]eling, like a Gentlewoman with an huge Farthingall: how he puffeth and bloweth like a short winded Hackney: now he approacheth wallowing like a woman with childe: he might be an Oxe for his [...]oule, a Bull for his necke, a Cow for his belly, and a Calfe for his wit, I make no question.
Opinion of the Glutton.
BOna verba Mockso, (said Opinion) he will hate you to death if he heare you and worke you a michiefe if you misuse him, he is a great man, I can tell you, and in huge request amongst no small fooles: Phago might be his grandfather, for his full feeding, and Garagantua his Sire, for his gormand zing: he is none of your ordinarie fellowes, which will suffice nature for three pence, giue him an Oxe rost [...]d whith a pudding in his belly, a Rabbit is but a bitte with him, and he will [...]ranch [...]apons as fast as a begger wil cracke Lice. he is a tall man at a table, and will tosse a pike [Page] strenuously, if it be soaked in white-broth: he is none of your great talkers, but will do prettie well at a dinner: if silence be a vertue, he is a vertuous Gentleman, for at meate hee cannot entend to talke for eating, and betweene meales, hee sleepeth soundly: to be briefe with him, he is a pestilence to Pasties, which sweepeth many of them sheere away, a consumption to capons, Chick [...]ns, and other poultry, a sepulchre to Seafish, and others in ponds, moates, and Riuers, a sharp sheepe-biter, and a marueilous Mutten-monger, a gorbelly Glutton.
Fido his Oration to the Glutton, inueying against his sinne, and reuealing his fortune.
TAntum cibi & potionis adhibendum est, vt reficiantur vires, non vt opprimantur: Sir, I salute you with this saying of Cicero, because I perceiue you euer ballace your belly, an vngratefull member, neuer thankefully repaying that which is done vnto it, but daily calling for more then is needefull; and why should man that hath vnderstanding to iudge, and reason to rule, be so seruile to filthy appetite? a small thing will content nature, and satiety doth rather displease then pleasure her: it maketh her vnfitte to performe any agill or actiue thing: beside the ouerplus might tend to many profitable vses, but you cannot fall too vnlesse your table bee fully furnished: how did they in the old time, when they were sufficed with such sustenance as the Grasse and trees afforded; they liued longer, and were stronger then they of this instant; they had no Cookes to prouide them [Page] cates, hunger was their best sawce, labour and exercise the Cookes, which composed that sawce, if you would feed with the like sawce, cōposed by the same Cookes, it would take you a button lower, and cause you looke not like Boreas; as you now doe: if not, I cannot remedie it, neither will I speake to your deafe god Bell, or rather bellie anie longer: your fortune will be this: manie diseases wil be ingendered in you, through your immoderat eating: fit for no Countrie seruice will you be, neither in martiall, nor domesticall affaires, a foole shall you liue, and a dunce shall you die, & that sooner too then otherwise you wold, keeping a sparing and temperate diet: all the pampering of your paunch shall be to no other purpose, for you striue for all delicate creatures to feed your selfe, and you your selfe shall be food for the wormes. A way the glutton lagged, and Mockso highed to the doore, expecting that as he was larded, so hee would be garded with some or other: for rich men haue manie friends, and neede not walke alone vnlesse they please.
The Parasite associating the glutton to the gate, entereth, Mockso describing him.
VVHo is that (said Fido)? a finicall fellow, answered Mockso, as full of salutations as a Fidler, his Hat was off before I could aske him what he would, and his knee licked the superficies of your threshold, ere I bad him enter, a crafty fellow, I feare, he is so full of courtesie, and some cousoning companion, he hath such a flearing countenance: [Page] now he eieth you sir, his head is bare, O rare, what an excellent dumb shew is this? thrise hath he kissed his hand and made you three lowe congies in comming three strides: now he approacheth neere you, I think he meaneth to make a Pope of you, and kisse your toes.
Opinion of the Parasite.
HE is none of your Cynicks, nor Criticks, hee is no Momus that snappeth Vice by the shinnes, as shee passeth by him: hee respecteth not what men be, so they be rich, he wil liue, when they lack: he fleareth not in your face for nothing, nor reflects his legges without some surmised reason, he will fawne on you like a Spaniell, follow you like a foisting Hound for his commodity, say what you wil, hee will sweare to it, doe what you delight in, hee wil encourage you: are you adicted to drink drunke, he wil gibe at sobriety, and christen her with innumerable nick-names. Doe you loue whores? he wil scratch where it itcheth not, and tickle your eares with a tale of variable venerie: haue you one sparke of goodnesse? he wil extoll you aboue measure; haue you neuer so much ill? he wil mitigate it: he is in Tantologies of praising, that you like, and extreame in discommending, that you doe condemne, be it neuer so praise-worthie: he giueth nothing his due or proper right, but either too much or to little, he careth not for the meane: he wil peruert anie thing for his purpose: if you be a coward, hee saieth you are wise and trulie valerous: if prodigall, then generouslie liberall: are you a niggard? then frugall and prouident: is your head great, a note of policie: is it little, the loftiest men are so marked: is your nose long, an excellent ornament: hee knew a great Ladie that neuer commended other: is it short, it is the comliest: are you high coloured? it is the soundest complexion: are you pale? it is amorous and attractiue: are you tall? all that are lower then you, are dwarfes: are you low? all that are taller, are lubbers or May-poles: to bee [Page] briefe with him: he wil soothe you vp in anie sinne, hugge anie hainous humor in you foster anie follie, wealthie mens welwisher, pouerties deadlie enemie, a false hearted fawning Parasite.
Fido his Oration to the Parasite, reuealing his faults and fortune.
Sir (said Fido) since your disposition is so largelie described, I shall not neede much to delate on it, but to speake freelie and compendiously vnto you, I holde you to be the most venomous serpent, that crawleth in a common-wealth, and would aduise all men that tender their owne safetie to shunne you, as an Harpie, and stop their eares at your words, as the enchanting of Mermaydes: Plus nocet lingua adulatoris, quam gladius persecutoris: your tongue doth more hurt then warre or pestilence, and you are the causer of more mischiefe, then any impietie whatsoeuer, lulling men in the sleepe of securitie: whereas, if they were kept waking, and had their faults laid apparantly before them, no doubt but that either shame or feare would worke a reformation in them: guiltie therefore are you of all those crimes, which they cō mit, and accessarie to their enormities, whom you secure and sooth vp in follies: your fortune therefore will be full foule in the end, & though you may flourish for a time, and liue in fauour, yet when your assertions are found false, your friendship fained, your counsell hurtfull vnto them, then you may giue an [Page] vltimum vale to your happinesse; they which loued you wil loath you to death, they which credited you, will not beleeue you for a world, though then you should tell them neuer so truly: they that graced you, wil be the first that shal publish your disgrace, & work your ruine: because like a trayterous person you endeuoured theirs, by your conceiling their follies, and animating them to any villanie. Away the Parasite sneaked, and another knocked at the gate.
The wanton wife entreth to know her Fortune, whom Mockso describeth.
WHo is that, said Fido? A swéete woman, no doubt answered Mockso, doe you not smell her? a cowling eye, she turneth it with a trice, a faire haire, if it be her owne: an high forehead, if it be not forced: a rare face, if it be not painted: a white necke, if it be not plastered: a straight backe, if it be not bolstered: a slender wast, if it be not pinched: a prettie foote, if it be not in shooe-makers laste: a faire and rare creature, if she be not dishonest.
Opinion of the wanton wife.
O Si fas dicere, She came naked into the Cittie, and shal so returne, vnlesse she doe penance with a white shéete pinned about her, as she now deserneth her husband married her for pure loue, and had nought with her, and so hee is likely to haue, so long as he hath her: yet shee will flaunt it with the finest, and gadde abroad with the giddiest, looking for greater attendance then an Empresse, and more duty then a Dutchesse, enuying all that are more brauely trapped then her selfe, and confederate with few but such as are wantonly [Page] intrapped, as she is: no fashion can be extant, but she must haue a fling at it: no sight to be seene, but she must view it: not a gewgaw to be heard of, but she must haue it; she will buy nothing that is cheape, weare nothing that is common, eate nothing that is not costly: her honest husband is her hobie-horse at home, and abroad her foole; amongst her copesmates, wanton wenches game amongst themselues, and wagges sport to point at with two fingers: who is so terrified by her, that he were better in his graue: by day he dare not meet her, she is so man'd with make-shift, by night hee feareth to lie with her, her touch is so ambiguous: with meat he cannot please her, she is so dainty, in clothes hee cannot kéepe her, she is so costly, with words he cannot fit her, shee is so captious, in deede hee cannot content her, for shee is a wanton: If he endeuour with good counsell to disswade her, (she saith) he preacheth too learnedly for her to edifie, if hee gybe and iest at her follie, then he is all wit or a wittall, if he keepeth her short of mony, then she rappeth out an oath, that she will haue coyne though she be hanged for it: if he keepe her close within doores, the next time he stirreth out,Nupta virum timeat, cas ta sit custodia nuptae. a Sergeant clappeth him on the shoulder, for some debt shee hath entred vnknowne to him, for such a purpose: Tum sua dominantur aula, Dulichii Samii (que) &c. To be breefe, shee is her husbands affliction, her childrens disgrace, her friends scandall, roysters and rake-hels randeuouce, a wanton wicked well fauoured wife.
Fido his Oration to the wanton wife, detecting the heynousnesse of her beastly life, and Fortune.
VVEre your minde as richly beautified as your body, you could not be too highly prized; but seeing the beastlinesse of your behauiour, blemisheth [Page] your beautie: I cannot but condemne and contemne you: who hauing plighted your faith, and solemnly obliged your selfe vnto an husband, are now become most faithlesse and perfidious, leauing the fruite which was allottted, you fall to the forbidden tree: which driuing you out of Paradise, will expose you to the infamie of the world: if you can delude your husbands eyes with demure carriage, and possesse him with a good conceit thereof, then you care not how you cousen him of his goods priuily, deride him closely, abuse him behinde his backe, so all bee done Caute it is well done: but if you consider the cause aright, it is your selfe you wrong: there is an eie which seeth you, though neuer so closely cabined, there is an eare that heareth you, whisper you neuer so softly: there is an heart which apprehendeth you, contriue you neuer so cunningly: from which if you cannot conceale your thoughts, wordes and workes, neuer laugh in your sleeue, how you haue gulled or bulled your husband: nay many are so impudent they care not who know it, they thinke it a credite to bee notorious, an honour to haue Gallants seeke vnto them: where carrion is it is no maruell to find Kites: pleasure hath an amiable face, but a loathsome bodie, a sweete taste, but a sowre digestion; a delicious life, but a miserable death: looke vpon that plot in my Garden, you see it fresh and fragrant, if I should permit many of my neighbours to fling their Garbidge on it, it would become a fulsome dunghil: or behold my well, the water in it is cleere and sweete, if the sinkes here about should haue passage to it, they [Page] would soone alter the clearenesse and sweetenesse of the water: so now you are sound and louely to looke on: you may maintaine the same for a small space, but being common vlcers, filth and blanches will breed vpon you like frogges and toades in stinking pooles:Dedit hanc contagio tabem, at (que) dabit plures sicut grex totus in aruis, vnius scabie cadit & prurigine porci una (que) contacta liuorem ducit ab vna: Iun. And therefore I cannot blame those which are timerous of their wiues, for their owne bodies safetie: one rotten sheepe corrupts a flocke: one measeled Hoggesmites an Heard: one plagued person infects a people. Now to your Fortune, If you once loose your good name, you will neuer recouer it: if now in youth you forsake your husband, and play false, in your age when none respect you, he will reiect you: your children may begge or steale, wil he toile to maintaine other mens gettings? If he decease before you, no honest man will haue you, vnlesse some of your deboshed companions, more for lucre then for loue, who will neuer trust you, knowing you false to your former husband: and then perchance you would wish you had beene more constant to your first betrothed, and lesse confident to euery cogging companion: but it will bee then too late, now lament your follie, and beginne a new life, abandon lewde company, and idlenesse, and you may haue many a faire day, and future felicity: else expect nothing but miserie, shame, and many misfortunes in the end, which will fall heauily vpon you, if you doe not now labour to preuent them. Away she walked, and another rapped at the gate.
The iealous man entereth to know his fortune, Mockso describing him.
VVHo is that, said Fido? One as melancholie as a Cat, answered Mockso, and glared vpon me, as if he would haue looked through me: sure hee lacketh something, he gazeth so about him: holde not downe thine head for shame, like a beast: but erect thy countenance, like a man. High-ho how he sigheth, & beateth his brest, as if there were something there angering him: Why doth he féele his forehead so often, it is smooth enough, he doubteth (I lay my life) they wil sprowt out shortly, and shal soone become as huge headed as was Acteon, after hee gazed on the Goddesse bathing her selfe with her Nymphes in the Fountaine.
Opinion of the iealous man.
HE is more afraid then hurt (said Opinion) hee macerateth his minde without cause, and troubleth his thoughts without true reason: his wife is faire, therefore hee thinketh her false: of a wittie disposition, therefore hee déemeth her a wagge-taile: all that speake to her, hee thinketh wooe her, & euery man that looketh on her, he iudgeth loues her: let her speake him faire, then she faigneth, let her vse him dutifully, then she doth counterfet: if she keepeth home, it is volens nolens against her wil: let her goe abroad, then his head aketh, and his heart panteth: is shee neatly arraied, that is but to allure and please others: is she homely dressed, she knoweth he wil kéepe house that day: goe they in the stréetes together, if she glanceth but a side, hee knoweth her minde forsooth: courtesie in her, is the loadstone of her lust: and affabilitie the cunning Orator for her concupiscence: bringeth he any to his table, if she carue them, it is in hope [Page] of some amorous requitall: if shee drinke to them, their pledgings are but as pledges of their concealed loues: they which proffer him kindnesse, he surmiseth it pretended for opportunitie to his wife: and they which frequent his house, be they of his néerest alliance or kindred, he suspecteth: to be briefe with him, she is his fortunes fore-staller, his mindes miserie, his bodies bane, a reiecter of his most intimate familiers, a suspitious ill liuer (for the wife would neuer haue sought her daughter in the Ouen, vnlesse she her selfe had beene there in former times) an erronious hereticke in the opinion of his wife, an vnreasonable and causelesse iealous man.
The Fortune-tellers Oration to the iealous man, declaring his folly and fortune.
SIr, of all men, I holde you most senselesse, who without certaine grownd and sure experience should misconceit, that which was neuer meant you: cannot your wife be faire, but lasciuious? what say you to Lucretia? can you not be absent? but she will play foule? how thinke you of Penelope? who in the tenne yeares absence of her husband, lined chaste and vntouched: but suppose that which you suspect, were certaine: sores past cure are past care: Quod factum est, infectum esse nequit: that which is done cannot be vndone: that which will be shall be: if she be chaste and vertuous, no beautie can tempt her, no gifts allure her, no perswasions winne her: but if she be disloyall, keepe her neuer so close, shee will sometime or other flie out in despight of you.
Centum fronte oculos centum Ceruice gerebat: Argus & hos vnus saepe fefellit amor. Ouid.When Iupiter loued Io, a delicious Damsell, his wife being mistrustfull, dogged him, to finde out his dealing: who to conceale his fault, turned the Lady into an Haifer, which Iuno begged, and resigned to the custodie of Argus, who although he was faigned to haue an hundred eies: yet was he beguiled of the iewell he watched so narrowly: so be you neuer so vigilant and circumspect, if she be so disposed, she will, Non caret effectu quod voluere duo: needlesse therfore will your care be if you haue no cause: and although you haue good reason of none effect, Naturam expellas furca, licet vs (que) recurret: Now to your fortune: if you be obstinate in your beleefe, and so confirme in your false faith, you will martir your selfe most miserably, your body will be soone wasted, and your substance consumed, because when your thoughts are destracted with such friuolous matters, you can neuer seriously negociate your estate-concerning, and supporting designes, your best way therefore, is to thinke the best, iudge the best, et modo te sanum fingito, sanus eris: away the iealous man departed, and an other knocked at the gate.
The Louer entering to know his fortune, Mockso describeth him.
VVHo is that said Fido? I know not, said Mockso, but he looketh very pittifully vpon it, and commeth [Page] sadly in: a finicall fellow he is, and very fashionable, a stiffe necke he hath, which God hateth, and a streight dublet, which no drunkard could endure: for if he had it but one sitting, he would not leaue it worth a button, sure his taylor hath not done well to make it so short wasted: crie him mercie now I looke so low, he hath put all the waste in the knées of his breeches, currage man: if she will not, another will.
Opinion of the Louer.
AS simple as he standeth there (said Opinion) hee hath let his owne arme blood himselfe in stead of a Barber-Surgeon, and quaffed an health thereof in praise of his Mistresse when he had done: hee hath kneeled oftner in the honour of his sweete heart then his Sauiour: hee cruciateth himself with thought of her, and wearieth al his friends with talking on her, he is trapt in so long contemplation of her heauenly by him surmised beautie, that some times missing his appointed meales, Oscula dat ligno, he kisseth the post, most daintie face, supposing it his loue, and imbraceth his pillow or the ayre in his armes circumference, her bodie being onely imagined present▪ he maketh her a Dietie with his adoration, and extolleth the lustre of her eyes aboue the Sun and Moone: he is eliuated into the third heauen when hee dreameth of her, and will admit no sublunarie resemblances in his comparisons concerning her: though she haue a Negroes head, a Virginian nose, a Spanish face, a Flemish necke and a Turkish stature: all the morning he wasteth in finifying his body to please her eye, all the afternoone he culleth out choice and [...]remeditate speeches to delight her eare, all supper while (if they table together) he peereth and prieth into the platters to picke out dainty morsels, to content her maw, and almost all the night he watcheth and prayeth for her, sighing like a sencelesse beast, and sobbing like a filly sot, if he be riuald and put besides her: to be briefe, hee is his [Page] friends pittie, his enemies derision, his soules sorrow, his bodies decay, and his sweet-hearts derision: A forsaken louer.
Fido his Oration to the Louer, reuealing his fondnes and fortune.
BY this it seemeth you are in loue, with whom? a woman: good, what woman? beauteous, rich, or honourable? so, how doth she requite your loue? with scorn, hate, derision: she is a woman, the contrary to man, as one defineth: the greatest pleasure that can betide a man, when he is depriued of her: witnes Galba, who seeing his neighbours wife hang her selfe vpon a figge tree, desired a slippe thereof to graft, hoping it would beare more such fruite, meaning his wife: The toylsomest burden that combreth a man, as he certified, who when the rest of his companie cast ouer-bord such stuffe as was most cumbersome vnto them (being so commaunded by the Master of the Shippe) tooke his wife in his arms, with intent to fling her into the Sea, had hee not beene interupted. If then a wife be the contrary to an husband, what concord can there be betweene them? if a pleasure to be lost, who would sigh to be depriued of one? if a burden and clogge to be kept, who would not skipp for ioy to haue his clogge taken from him? But she is beauteous, rich, or honourable; what is beautie with vntoward conditions, but a faire flower with an ill sauour, a painted sepulchre fil'd with putrid bones? what are riches with wayward qualities, but golden [Page] Mazers fraught with deadly poyson? And as the Cynick likened a rich man without knowledge, to a sheepe with a golden fleece: so you may resemble a wealthy woman with wilfull manners, to a Iade with golden trappings: and what is honour? a celestiall thing, a radiant starre (you will say) but those starrs are not all one some are fixae, some errantes, some cadentes: that is, some are fixed, some wandring, some falling starres: but she you admired, was none of the fixed, as her wandring and falling from you, sheweth: besides she scorneth, hateth and derideth you: if any of your best friends should serue you so, you would renounce them, yet you will reuerence her, your worst enemie: but men of your mould are like Spaniels, which will creepe neerest to them that cudgell them; so the frowarder their sweete hearts are, the forwarder are they to crouch vnto them: Quod licet ingratū est, quod non licet acrius vrit, whereas being lesse obsequious they might fare better, noui mulierum mores, vbi velis nolūt; vbi nolis cupiunt vltro. Some reason had Censorius Cato to leaue this precept, for future times, Trust not a woman: the dogged Philosopher knew causes enough, when he said it was too late for the olde man, and too soone for the young to marrie. Yet I speake not this in disgrace of vertuous women, or to deterre you from marriage: but for a man the King & commander of al earthly crea ures, whose body is pure, whose minde more magnanimious, to be deiected in spirit, pale in physnomy, leane in his limmes, and all for a woman: nay for such a woman as doth scorne, hate, and deride him: fie it is intollerable. [Page] Were she true and faithfull vnto you, in lawfull and honest sort, I would kindle and combine you with the best counsell I could: but being otherwise, take these precepts, which if you follow, will allay all lust and loue in you: The first is, to abandon idlenesse, the nurse of wantonnes: The second, shunne solitarinesse, and bee eyther doing something, or discoursing and passing the time away in company: The third, to haue a good conceit of your selfe, to cheere vp your spirits, and doubt not, but to haue her betters: The fourth is, to mince and extenuate any laudable part in her, but to display and augment whatsoeuer deformity you know by her: for loue is feigned blinde, because he cannot iudge aright, but maketh a mountaine of a Mole-hill, a Saint of a Sow: the best course therefore to banish him, is, to contrarie him in all his asseuerations, to prise at a low rate, that he highly vallueth: as for instance, Is the partie fatte? fatte meate will cloy any man: Is she leane? what good stomacke careth for bones? if she be pale of complexion, she will proue but a puler: is she high coloured? an ill cognizance: is she silent? the still Sow will eate vp all the draugh: dooth shee talke much? a pratling gossip she is likely to proue, and who would be troubled with a tatling tongue, and such like? Fiftly, if shee vseth you hardly either in words or deeds, or countenanceth any of your enemies or euill willers, set it downe in your Table-bookes, and write it vpon the wal in your bed-chamber, that you may at al times better remember them: & consider, if she tendered you, she wold not wrong [Page] you: Many more could I expresse, but I should be ouer-tedious: therefore to your fortune, which now is bad enough, neither would I wish any worse, though I should wish them hanged, for hanging is the end of care, but loue the enterance: but what will be hereafter, that is as your choise is: if you be aduised, hope the best, if not, looke for crooked fortune, as well as some of your betters haue had before you: away the Louer walked, and another came to the gate.
The Virgin entereth to know her fortune, Mockso describing her.
VVHo is it said Fido? Diana or one of her darlings, he replied, I am perplexed with her proportion, the very glimse of her, hath amazed me: beauty sitteth enthronized on herbrowes, modesty in her eies, health in her chéekes, silence on her tongue, Balsamum in her breath, immaculation on her necke, temperance on her waste, comelinesse on her whole body: Cytherea may sigh at her portraiture: Delia blush at her behauiour: her lookes turne not too and fro, her spéech is not obstreperous, no pride in her apparrell, no affectation in her gate: the map of modestie, and picture of purenesse.
Opinion of the Virgin.
REmtenes (said Opinion) now you haue layed giving aside, you haue eased me of a labour, a pur-blinde wit may perceiue what she is: an immaculate virgin.
The Fortune-tellers Oration to the Virgine, encouraging her to chastitie, and shewing her fortune.
AMiable Maid, which hitherto hast led a chast and vnpolluted life,Non est digna ponderatio continentis animae. perseuer still as you haue begun, and make no doubt but to be right happy, being enriched with so vnestimable a iewell as chastitie: which is a caelestiall beatitude, the sister of the Angels, the conqueresse of concupiscence, the Queene of vertues, although it vouchsafeth to inhabite the minde and body of you an earthly creature: seeing therefore it is such an inestimable iewell, how warily are you to keepe it? such a Peerelesse Princesse, how loyally are you to loue it?Maior victoria virginum quam angelorum. such a victorious triumpher, how carefully are you to guard it? so vnmatchably allied, how much are you to make of it? All which that you may the better effect,He giueth her a Lilly the Hierogliphick of chastitie. I will bestowe this flower vpon you: it is a Lilly not naturall, but artificially composed like to a naturall Lilly, hauing sixe siluer leaues, containing sixe seuerall posies, to preserue your chastitie: the first whereof hath this posie engrauen in it: Cibi & potus sobrietas: that is, temperance in eating and drinking, which is an efficient cause to quell & conquer wantonnesse: whereas excesse of both, or either of them, doth animate and make it rebellious, and also disfigure the party pleased with the same: for immoderate eating breedeth fiue blemishes in the behauiour of a virgine, which do deforme her reputation, more then fifteene [Page] wheales or pimples would disgrace her face: The first is scurrility of speech, a naughtie thing in any; The second, talkatiuenesse or much babling: The third, a foolish ioy or petulant kinde of gesture: The fourth, vomiting, belching, or such like: The fift, drowsinesse of body and dulnesse of minde: which although they are slightly obserued in others: yet are they sooner marked in a maiden: as blacke spots easier espied in a white cloath, then in darke coloured vestures: touching inordinate drinking of wine, all are forbidden it, but you especially of all others, Virgo fugiat vinum vt venenum: nam vinum in adolescentia est duplex incendium voluptatis: that is, a virgine ought to reiect wine, as poison, which is a two-fold fire-brand to kindle lust in youth:Sine Cerere & Baccho friget Venus. abstinence therefore is the first weapon to defend chastitie, and put the enemie to flight: which as it is comely in any presence, so it is commodious for any feminine personage: keeping them from fogginesse, grosnesse and fiery faces: Deducunt cibum, tametsi est bona natura vt reddant curatura iunceas, that is, as one said of Virgins in his time, they pinch their bellies of meate (a good custome) that they might be as small as bull-rushes. The second leafe of this Lilly hath engrauen in it Asperitas vestitus, that is, coursenesse and plainenesse of apparrell: for garish and fantasticall cloathes, are speechlesse reporters of wanton mindes, therefore said one which had some trafique with such light stuffe:Vestitus in siguis & mollis superbiae vexillum, nidus (que) luxurie. that sumptuous and soft raiments were the Ensignes of pride: but light and loose cloathing the index of luxurie: and as in olde time such as solde horses, were [Page] wont to put flowers or boughes vpon their heads, to reueale that they were vendible: so, such as trim and trick themselues with toyes & gewgawes, shew that they are willing, if any will: let therefore your apparrell be plaine, yet comely, which will stop the mouth of euill report: and as course as you can indure it, if you meane to tame your lust.Otia si tollas periere Cupidinis arcus. Ouid. The third leafe is set downe laboris strenuitas: labour and exercise, for if your minde be busied about any good huswifrie, or setled seriously vpon any honest exercise, lust can haue no power ouer you, therefore wee reade how Penelope, a constant Lady, would carde and to ase wooll her selfe, least shee should be idle, and consequently subiect to lasciuious thoughts and deedes, in the tenne yeeres absence of her husband: and the Vestals if at any time they had let the fire on the Altar goe out, they were enioyned to kindle it againe with the beames of the sunne. In the fourth leafe, is printed Custodia sensuum: that is, not to giue your senses any scope or liberty,Vitijs in animum per oculos est via. especially the sight, or hearing, for iniquitie through the eye-lids glideth into the heart: and many haue beene entrapped by giuing audience to the alluring songs of the Sirens. In the fift leafe, modestia verborum, modest words you must vse, qualis homo, talis oratio, such as the woman is such are her words, for a proud woman will be rapping arrogant words, a foolish woman fond words, a wāton woman lasciuious words, but a chast woman modest words and few: Therfore said a graue Father, that the speech of a virgine ought to be wise, ciuill, slow and sparing: that she might be accounted as excellent [Page] for her speech, as for her chastity: for euill words corrupt good manners. In the sixt and last leafe of this Lilly, is written, Fuga opportunitatum, the eschuing of opportunity, to shunn the company and conuersation of men: for, albeit I am a man my selfe, and shall be reputed foolish to bewray mine owne neast, yet to benefit such a goodly creature as your selfe, whom it were villany to iniurie, I will display the practises of some, though all vse not the same, that you may take heede of any, that would goe about to rifle you of your deerest iewel, without law or honestie, I meane mariage. Men generally are wiser then women in goodnesse, yet are they sillier in wickednesse and contriuing deceit, then craftie and sensuall women: and as they are more simple then craftie women: so are they subtiller then well minded maydens, who as they are guiltlesse of effecting deceipt: so are they innocent of suspecting deceipt.
It is no glory (I confesse) to deceiue a woman, no point of valour to ouerthrow the weaker vessell, yet if this weaker vessell be artificially garnished, and naturally beautified, what labour will they not take to attaine it? what watching will they omit to steale it? what wealth will they spare for to compasse it? and when they haue gotten it into their custody, how do some of them esteeme it? euen as children gewgaws, to dandle and play with it a while: but as soone as they eye a new deuise, they cast away the olde, and neuer are in quiet, till they be fingering the newe, or as Warriours of olde time, which did spend much cost and paines to subdue a Citie, and when they had [Page] brought it into subiection, rifled it and ransackt it; marched to another, and so to a third, &c.
There was a pure virgine (as I heard) dwelling not farre from me, who had so firmely deuoted her selfe to chastity, that the Inhabitants thereabout did admire her; till a lustie gallant, rich and well proportioned wooed her, who neuer left battering the Bulwarke of her heart with piercing oathes, vowes and protestations, darted from his smooth tongue, till he had almost brought her to the bay: within a while after she had considered his actions, how hee would teare his haire, weepe in most seeming sadnesse, kisse her hand with feare and trembling, and proffer vnrequested many seruile ceremonies, fearing her selfe to breake an oath or violate a vow, trusted that hee had the same feare in him, which he had not, condescended to his desire; which so soone as hee had accomplished, forsooke her vtterly: after him another came vnto her, and serued her with the same sawce: then a third: at last, she began to wax warie: a fourth came vnto her, whose fashion was to try all, and if they agreed, left them incontinently, but hee laboured in vaine, for his gifts could preuaile nothing, nor his promises perswade her (shee had faire warning one would thinke): to be briefe, he liked, loued and married her, and the second night as they lay together, the good man said to her, Thou knowest sweet heart how often I tempted thee, and I protest, if thou haddest consented, I had forsaken thee vtterly: tut, tut husband, said shee, (sure shee was halfe a sleepe, and halfe waking) I trow I was a little wiser then so, for [Page] three had serued me in the like sort, before euer I be [...]eld your face. This I do not relate, that you should make the same experiment, but that you might auoid the like men, for he that maketh no scruple to breake the seuenth commandement, will make as little conscience to keepe the third: besides, if he should keepe his promise, he would haue you alwaies in iealousie: for if you feare not to displease God, before you are married (who forbiddeth fornication) will not your husband be perswaded, that you will haue as little feare to commit adulterie, when you are espoused? take this Lilly, and think vpon euery word and posie engrauen in it: and aboue all, beleeue not words importing any dishonest request. I haue a picture here to the same purpose: looke vpon this Lady, it was Dido Queene of Carthage, who being too credulous in beleeuing a wandering Prince, fell to folly with him, and after forsaken, caused a great fire to be made, and for griefe and anguish leaped into it: this other is Phillis Queene of Rodope, a virgin, before she lent an attentiue eare to Demophoon, a mā of royall race, who after he had gotten his purpose, neuer returned neere her againe, so that for shame and auoiding future sorrow, she hung her selfe, as this picture liuely expresseth: take it with you, and think that if these two beauteous Queenes were deceaued, it were an hazard for to trust, Fide, sed cui vide: it is an old saying, trie before you trust: but if Maydens follow that saying, they may be trust round before, and after serued as these were. Away the Virgine walked, like Iuno [Page] in the Empire, and others were at the gate e [...] [...]ting entrance, but Fido beeing weake and wea [...] dismissed them, till some other time, and forthwith committed his selfe to his Closet.