Now if I could meete with Risio, it were a world of waggery.

Oh that it were my chance Obuiam dare Dromio, to stumble vpon Dromio, on whome I doo nothing but dreame.

His knauerie and my wit should make our masters that are wise fooles, their children that are fooles beggers, and vs two that are bond free.

He to cosin, & I to coniure, would make such alterations, that our masters shuld serue themselues, the ideots their children serue vs, and we to wake our wits betweene them all.

Hem quàm opportune, looke if he drop not ful in my dish.

Lupus in fabula, Dromio imbrace me, hugge me, kisse my hand, I must make thee fortunate.

Risio, honor me, kneele downe to mee, kisse my feet, I must make thee blessed.

My master olde Stellio hath a foole to his daughter.

Nay my master olde Memphio hath a foole to his sonne.

I must conuey a controct.

And I must conuey a contract.

Betweene her and Memphios sonne, without speaking one to another.

Betweene him and Stellios daughter without one speaking to the other.

Doest thou mocke me Dromio?

Thou doest me else.

Not I for all this is true.

And all this.

Then are we both driuen to our wits endes, for if either of them had bin wise, wee might haue tempered, if no marriage, yet a close marriage.

Well, let vs sharpen our accounts, ther's no better grindstone for a young mans head; than to haue it whet vppon an olde mans purse. Oh thou shalt see my knauerie shaue lyke a rasor!

Thou for the edge, and I the point wil make the foole bestride our mistres backs, and then haue at the bagge with the dudgin hafte, that i • , at the dudgen dagger, by which hanges his tantonie pouch.

These old buddles haue such strong purses with locks, when they shut them they go off like a snaphance.

The olde fashion is best, a purse with a ring round about it, as a circle to course a knaues hande from it: but Dromio, two they saie may keep counsell is one be awaie: but to conuey knauerie, two are too few, and foure too many.

And in good time, looke where Halfepenie Sperantus boy commeth, though bound vp in decimo sexto for carriage, yet a wit in folio for coosnage: Single Halfepenie, what newes are now currant?

I maruell I heare no newes of Dromio, either he slackes the matter, or betrayes his master, I dare not motion anie thing to Stellio till I knowe what my boy hath don; Ile hunt him out; if the loitersacke be gone springing into a tauerne, Ile fetch him reeling out.

He must needs goe that the deuill driues, a father, a fiend, that seekes to place affection by appointment, & to force loue by compulsion, I haue sworne to woo Sylena, but it shall be so coldly, that she shall take as small delight in my wordes, as I do contentment in his commandement, Ile teach him one schoole tricke in loue. But behold who is that that commeth out of Stellios house, it should seem to be Silena by her attire, Enter Silena. by her face I am sure it is she, oh faire face, oh louely countenance! How now Candius, if thou begin to slip at beautie on a sodaine, thou wilt surfet with carousing it at the last. Remēber that Liuia is faithfull, I, and let thine eyes witnesse Silena is amiable, heere shall I please my father and my selfe, I wyll learne to be obedient, & come what will, Ile make away, if shee seeme coy, Ile practise all the arte of loue; if I her cunning, all the pleasures of loue.

My name is Silena I care not who knowe it, so I doo not: my father keeps me close, so he does, and now I haue stolne out, so I haue, to goe to olde Mother Bombie to know my fortune, so I wil, for I haue as fayre a face as euer trode on shoo sole, and as free a foote as euer lookt with two eyes.

What, I thinke she is lunatike or foolish? Thou art a foole Candius, so faire a face cannot bee the scabbard of a foolish minde, mad she may bee, for commonly in beautie so rare, there fals passions extreame, Loue and beautie disdaine a meane, not therefore because beautie is no vertue, but because it is happines, and we schollers know that vertue is not to be praised, but honored. I wil put on my best grace, sweete wench thy face is louely, thy bodie comely, & all that the eyes can see inchanting, you see how vnacquainted I am bold to boord you.

My father boordes mee alreadie, therefore I care not if your name were Geoffrey.

She raues or ouer-reaches. I am one sweet soule that loues you, brought hether by reporte of your beautie, and here languisheth with your rarenesse.

I thanke you that you would call.

I will alwaies call on such a saint, that hath power to release my sorrowes, yeeld fayre creature to loue.

I am none of that sect.

The louing sect is an auncient sect and an honorable, and therefore should bee in a person so perfect.

Much.

I loue thee much, giue mee one worde of comfort.

I faith sir no, and so tell your master.

I haue no master, but come to make choise of a mistres.

Doubtles she is an idiot of the newest cut, Ile once more trye hir. I haue loued thee long Silena.

In your to ther hose.

Too simple to be naturall: too senslesse to be arteficiall. You sayd you went to know your fortune, I am a scholler and am cunning in palmistry.

The better for you sir, heres my hand, whats a clocke.

The line of life is good, Venus mount very perfect, you shall haue a scholler to your first husband.

you are well seene in carnes durt, your father was a poulter, ha, ha, ha.

Why laugh you?

Because you should see my teeth.

Alas poore wench, I see now also thy folly, a fayre foole is lyke a fresh weed, pleasing leaues and soure iuyce. I will not yet leaue her, shee may dissemble. I cannot choose but loue thee.

I had thought to aske you.

Nay then farewell, either to proud to accept, or too simple to vnderstand.

You need not bee so crustie, you are not so hard backt.

Now I perceiue thy folly, who hath rakt together all the odde blinde phrases, that helpe them that knowe not howe to discourse, but when they cannot aunswere wisely, eyther with gybing couer theyr rudenesse, or by some newe coyned buy worde bewraie theyr peeuishnesse, I am glad of this, nowe shall I haue coulour to refuse the match, and my father reason to accept of Liuia, I will home, and repeate to my father oure wise incounter, and hee shall perceiue there is nothing so fulsome as a shee foole.

Good God, I thinke Gentlemen had neuer lesse wit in a yeere. Wee maides are madde wenches, we gird them and flout them out of all scotch and notch, and they cannot see it, I will knowe of the olde woman whether I bee a maide or no, and then if I bee not, I must needes be a man, God be heere.

Whose there.

One that would be a maide.

If thou be not, it is impossible thou shuldst be, and a shame thou art not.

They saie you are a witch.

They lie, I am a cunning woman.

Then tell mee some thing.

Holde vp thy hande, not so high, thy father knowes thee not, thy mother bare thee not, falsely bred, truely begot, choise of two husbands, but neuer tyedin bandes, because of loue and naturall bondes.

I thanke you for nothing, because I vnderstand nothing: though you bee as olde as you are, yet am I as younge as I am, and because that I am so fayre, therefore are you so fowle, & so farewell frost, my fortune naught me cost.

Farewell faire foole, little doest thou know thy hard fortune, but in the end thou shalt, & that must bewraie what none can discouer, in the mean season I wil professe cunning for all commers.

We were all taken tardie.

Our masters will be ouertaken if they tarry.

Now must euerie one by wit make an excuse, and euerie excuse must be coosnage.

Let vs remember our complot.

We will all plod on that, oh the wine hath turnd my wit to vineger.

You meane tis sharpe.

Sharpe? Ile warrant twill serue for as good sauce to knauerie as

As what?

As thy knauerie meat for his wit.

We must all giue a reckning for our dayes trauell.

Tush, I am glad we scapt the reckning for our liquor. If you be examined how we met, sweare by chance, for so they met, and therefore will beleeue it: if how much we drunke, let them answere them selues, they know best because they paid it.

We must not tarry, abeundum est mihi, I must go and cast this matter in a corner.

I presequar a bowle, and Ile come after with a broome, euerie one remember his que.

When shall we meete.

To morrow fresh and fasting.

Fast eating our meate, for we haue drunke for to morow, & to morow we must eat for to day.

Away, away, if our masters take vs here the matter is mard.

Let vs euerie one to his taske.

How luckily we met on a sodaine in a tauerne, that drunke not together almost these thirtie yeeres.

A tauerne is the Randeuous, the Exchange, the staple for good fellowes, I haue heard my great grandfather tell how his great grandfather shoulde saie, that it was an olde prouerbe when his greate grandfather was a childe, that it was a good winde that blew a man to the wine.

The olde time was a good time, Ale was an ancient drinke, and accounted of our ancestors autentical, Gascone wine was liquor for a Lord, Sack a medicine for the sicke, and I may tell you, he that had a cup of red wine to his oysters, was hoysted in the Queenes subsidie booke.

I but now you see to what loosenes this age is growen▪ our boies carouse sack like double beere, and saith that which doth an old man good, can do a yong man no harme: old men (say they) eat pap, why shoulde not children drinke sacke, their white heads haue cosned time out of mind our yōg yeres

Ist possible.

Nay tis true; they saie, Ale is out of request, tis hogges porredge, broth for beggers, a caudle for cunstables, watchmens mouth glew; the better it is the more like bird lime it is; and neuer makes one staid but in the stockes.

Ile teach my wag-halter to know grapes from barley.

And I mine to discerne a spigot from a faucet.

And I mine, to iudge the difference between a blacke boule and a filuer goblet.

And mine shall learne the oddes betweene a stand and a hogs-head, yet I cannot choose but laugh to see how my wag aunswered mee, when I stroke him for drinking sacke.

Why what sayd he?

Master, it is the soueraigntest drinke in the world, and the safest for all times and weathers, if it thunder, though all the Ale and Beere in the towne turne, it will be constant; if it lighten, and that any fire come to it, it is the aptest wine to burn and the most wholesomest when it is burnt. So much for Summer. If it freeze, why it is so hot in operation, that no Ise can congeale it, if it rayne, why then he that cannot abide the heate of it, may put in water. So much for winter. And so ranne his way, but Ile ouertake him.

Who woulde thinke that my hoppe on my thumbe, Halfpenie, scarse so high as a pint pot, wold reason the matter; but hee learnde his leere of my sonne, his young master, whom I haue brought vp at Oxford, and I thinke must learne heere in Kent at Ashford.

Why what sayd he▪

Hee boldly rapt it out, Sine Cere & Baccho friget Venus, without wine and sugar his veins wold waxe colde.

They were all in a pleasant vaine, but I must be gone, and take account of my boyes businesse, farewell neighbours, God knowes when we shall meete againe, yet I haue discouered nothing, my wine hath beene my wittes friende, I longe to heare what Dromio hath done.

I cannot staie, but this good fellowshippe shall cost mee the setting on at our next meeting, I am gladde I blabd nothing of the marriage, now I hope to compas it, I know my boy hath bin bungling about it.

Let vs all goe, for I must to my clothes that hang on the tenters, my boy shall hang with them, if hee aunswere mee not his dayes worke.

If all bee gone Ile not staie, Halfepenie I am sure hath done mee a pennie woorth of good, else Ile spend his bodie in buying a rod.

Sweet sister, I know not how it commeth to passe, but I finde in my selfe passions more than brotherly.

And I deare brother finde my thoughts intangled with affections beyonde nature, which so flame into my distempered head, that I can neither without danger smother the fire, nor without modestie disclose my furie.

Our parents are pore, our loue vnnaturall, what can then happen to make vs happie?

Onely to be content with our fathers mean estate, to comhat against our own intemperate desires, and yeld to the succes of fortune, who though she hath framd vs miserable, cannot make vs monstrous.

It is good counsel faire sister, if the necessitie of loue could be releeued by counsell, yet this is our comfort, that these vnnaturall heates haue stretched themselues no further than thoughts, vnhappie me that they should stretch so.

That which nature warranteth laws forbid, straunge it seemeth in sense, that because thou art mine, therefore thou must not be mine.

So it is Serena, the neerer we are in bloud, the further wee must be from loue, and the greater the kindred is, the lesse the kindnes must be, so that between brothers & sisters superstition hath made affection cold, between strangers custome hath bred loue exquisite.

Nor anie good I thinke Serena, yet to satisfie thy minde we will see what she can saie.

Good brother let vs.

who is within?

The dame of the house?

She might haue said the beldam, for her face and yeeres, and attire.

Good mother tell vs, if by your cunning you can, what shall become of my brother and me.

Let me see your hands, and looke on me stedfastly with your eyes. You shall be married to morow hand in hand, by the lawes of good nature & the land, your parents shall be glad, & giue you their lande, you shal each of you displace a foole, & both together must releeue a foole. If this be not true call me olde foole.

This is my sister, marrie we cannot: our parents are poore and haue no land to giue vs, each of vs is a foole to come for counsell to such an olde foole.

These doggrell rimes and obscure words, comming out of the mouth of such a weather-beatē witch, are thought diuinations of some holy spirite, being but dreames of decayed braines▪ for mine owne parte, I would thou mightest sit on that stoole till he & I martie by lawe.

I saie Mother Bombie neuer speakes but once, and yet neuer spake vntruth once.

Come brother, let vs to our poore home, this is our comfort, to bewraie our passions, since we cannot inioy our loue.

Ingenium quondam fuerat pretiotius auro, the time was wherein wit would worke like waxe, and crock vp golde like honnie.

At nunc barbarie est grandis habere nihil, but nowe wit and honestie buy nothing in the market.

What Risio, how spedst thou after thy potting?

Nay, my master rong all in the tauerne, & thrust all out in the house. But how spedst thou?

I, it were a dayes worke to discourse it, he spake nothing but sentences, but they were vengible long ones, for when one word was out, hee made pause of a quarter long till he spake another.

Why what did he in all that time?

Breake interiections lyke winde, as eho, ho, to.

And what thou?

Aunswere him in his owne language, as euax, vah, hui.

These were coniunctions rather than interiections. But what of the plot?

As we concluded I tolde him that I vnderstood that Silena was verie wise, and could sing exceedingly, that my deuise was, seeing Accius his sonne a proper youth, & could also sing sweetly, that he should come in the nicke when she was singing and answere her.

Excellent.

Then hee asked how it should be deuised that she might come abroade, I tolde that was cast alreadie by my meanes, then the song beeing ended, and they seeing one another, noting the apparell, and marking the personages, he should call in his sonne for feare he should ouer-reach his speech.

Very good.

Then that I had gotten a young Gentleman that resembled his sonne in yeeres and fauour, that hauing Accius apparell should court Silena, whome shee finding wise, would after that by small intreatie be won without mo wordes, & so the marriage clapt vp by this cosnage, and his sonne neuer speake word for himselfe.

Thou boy, so haue I done in euerie point, for the song, the calling her in, & the hoping that another shall woo Accius, and his daughter wed him, I told him this wooing should be to night, and they early marryed in the morning, without anie wordes sauing to saie after the Priest.

All this fodges well; now if Halfpenie and Luceo haue playde theyr partes, wee shall haue exccellent sporte, and here they come. Howe wrought the wine my lads?

How? like wine, for my bodie being the rundlet, and my mouth the vent, it wrought two daies ouer, till I had thought the hoopes of my head woulde haue flowen asunder.

The best was, our masters were as well whitled as we, for yet they lie by it.

The better for vs, we dyd but a little parboile our liuers, they haue sod theyrs in sacke these fortie yeeres.

That makes them spit white broth as they doo. But to the purpose. Candius and Liuia will send their attires, you must send the apparell of Accius and Silena, they wonder wherefore, but commit the matter to our quadrapertit wit.

If wee doo it not wee are vndone, for we haue broacht a cosnage alreadie, and my master hath the tap in his hand, that it must needs runne out, let thē he ruld and bring hether their apparell, and we wil determine, the rest commit to our intricate considerations, depart.

Here comes Accius tuning his pipes, I perceiue my master keepes touch.

And here comes Silena with her wit of proofe▪ marie it will scarse holde out question shot, let vs in to instruct our masters in the que.

Come let vs be iogging, but wert not a world to heare them woe one another.

That shall be hereafter to make vs sport, but our masters shall neuer know it.

Accius come in and that quickly▪ what walking without leaue?

Silena, I praie you looke homeward, it is a colde aire, and you want your mufler.

This is pat, if the rest proceed Stellio is like to marrie his daughter to a foole, but a bargen is a bargen.

This frames to my wish; Memphio is like to marrie a foole to his sonne; Accius tongue shall tie all Memphios land to Silenas dowrie, let his fathers teeth vndoo them if hee can; but heere I see Memphio, I must seeme kind, for in kindnes lies cosnage.

Wel, here is Stellio, Ile talke of other matters, & flie from the marke I shoot at, lapwing-like flying far from the place where I nestle. Stellio what make you abroad, I heard you were sicke since our last drinking.

You see reports are no truths, I heard the like of you, & we are both well. I perceiue sober men tel most lies, for in vino veritas, If they had drunke wine, they would haue tolde the truth.

Our boies wil be sure then neuer to lie, for they are euer swilling of wine▪ but Stellio I must straine cursie with you, I haue busines▪ I cannot stay.

In good time Memphio, for I was about to craue your patience to departe, it stands me vppon. Perhaps moue his patience ere it be long.

Good silly Stel. we must buckle shortly,

Come Rixula wee haue made thee priuie to the whole packe, there laie downe the packe.

I beleeue vnlesse it be better handled, wee shall out of doores.

I care not, Omnem solum forti patria, I can liue in christendome as well as in Kent.

And Ile sing Patria vbicunque bene, euerie house is my home▪ where I may stanch hunger.

Nay, if you set all on hazard, though I be a pore wench I am as hardie as you both▪ I cannot speake Latine, but in plaine English if anie thing fall out crosse Ile runne away,

He loues thee well that would runne after.

Why Halfpenie, there's no goose so gray in the lake, that cannot finde a gander for her make.

I loue a nutbrowne lasse, tis good to recreate.

Thou meanest, a browne nut is good to crack.

Why wold it not do thee good to crack such a nut?

If you take your pleasure of mee, Ile in and tell your practises against your masters.

In faith soure heart, hee that takes his pleasure on thee is verie pleasurable.

You meane knauishly, and yet I hope foule water will quench hot fire as soone as fayre.

Well then let fayre wordes coole that cholar, which foule speeches hath kindled, and because we are all in this case, and hope all to haue good fortune, sing a roundelay, and weele helpe, such as thou wast woont when thou beatest hempe.

It was crabbs she stampt, and stole away one to make her a face.

I agree in hope that the hempe shall come to your wearing, a halfepenie halter may hang you both, that is, Halfepeny and you may hang in a halter.

Well brought about.

Twill when tis about your necke.

Nay▪ now shees in▪ she will neuer out.

Nor when your heads are in, as it is lykely, they should not come out. But harken to my song, Cantant.

Yonder stands the wags, I am come in good time.

All here before me, you make hast.

I beleeue to hanging, for I thinke you haue all robd your masters, heres euery man his baggage.

That is, we are all with thee, for thou art a verie baggage.

Hold thy peace, or of mine honesty Ile buy an halfpenie purse with thee.

In deed thats big inough to put thy honesty in, but come shall we go about the matter?

I for my part am resolute, in vtran que paratus, redie to die or to runne away.

But heare me, I was troubled with a vile dream, and therefore it is little time spent to let Mother Bomby expound it, she is cunning in all things.

Then will I know my fortune.

And Ile aske for a siluer spoone which was lost last daie, which I must pay for.

And Ile know what wil become of our deuices.

And I.

Then let vs all go quickly, we must not sleep in this busines, our masters are so watchfull about it.

Why do you rap so hard at the doore?

B • cause we would come in.

Nay my house is no Inne.

Crosse your selues, looke how she lookes.

Marke her not, sheele turne vs all to Apes.

What would you with me?

They say you are cunning, & are called the good woman of Rochester.

If neuer to doo harme be to doo good, I dare saie I am not ill. But whats the matter?

I had a ill dream, & desire to know the significatiō.

Dreames my sonne haue their weight, though they be of a troubled minde, yet are they signes of fortune. Say on.

In the dawning of the day, for about that time by my starting out of my sleepe I found it to bee, mee thought I sawe a stately peece of beefe, with a cape cloke of cabidge, imbrodered with pepper, hauing two honorable pages with hats of mustard on their heades, himselfe in greate pompe sitting vppon a cushion of white Brewish, linde with browne Breade, me thought being poudred he was much trobled with the salt rume, & therfore there stood by him two great flagons of sacke and beere, the one to drie vp his rume, the other to quench his cholar, I as one enuying his ambition, hungring and thirsting after his honor, began to pull his cushiō frō vnder him, hoping by that means to giue him a fall, & with putting out my hand awakt, & found nothing in all this dreame about me but the salt rume.

A dreame for a butcher.

Soft let me end it, then I slumbred againe, & me thought there came in a leg of mutton.

What all grosse meat, a racke had bene daintie.

Thou foole how could it come in, vnlesse it had bin a leg, me thought his hose were cut & drawen out with parsly, I thrust my hand into my pocket for a knife thinking to hoxe him, and so awakt.

Belyke thou wentst supperlesse to bed.

So I doo euerie night but sundaies, Prisius hath a weake stomacke, and therefore we must starue.

Well, take this for answere, though the dream be fantasticall, they that in the morning sleep dream of eating, are in danger of sicknesse, or of beating, or shall heare of a wedding fresh a beating.

This may be true.

Nay then let me come in with a dreame, short but sweet, that my mouth waters euer since I wakt: Me thought there sate vpon a shelfe three damaske prunes in veluet caps and prest satten gownes like indges, and that there were a whole handfull of curants to be araigned of a riot, because they clūged together in such clusters, twelue raisons of the sunne were impannelled in a Iewry, and as a leafe of whole mase which was bailief was carrying the quest to consult, me thought ther came an angrie cooke, and gelded the Iewry of theyr stones, and swept both iudges, iurers, rebels and bailiefe into a porredge pot, whereat I being melancholy, fetcht a deepe sigh, that wakt my selfe and my bed fellow.

This was deuisd not dreamt, and the more foolish being no dreame, for that dreames excuse the fantasticalnesse.

Then aske my bed-felow, you know him, who dreamt that night that the king of diamonds was sicke.

But thy yeeres and humours pretie child, are subiect to such fansies, which the more vnsensible they seeme, the more fantasticall they are, therefore this dream is easie. To children this is giuen from the Gods to dream of milke, fruit, babies and rods, they betoken nothing but that wantons must haue rods.

Ten to one thy dreame is true, thou wilt bee swinged.

Nay gammer, I pray you tell me who stole my spoone out of the buttrie.

Thy spoone is not stolne but mislaide, thou art an ill huswife though a good maid, looke for thy spoon where thou hadst like to be no maide.

Bodie of me let me fetch the spoone, I remember the place.

Soft swift, the place if it be there now, it will bee there to morrowe.

I but perchance the spoone will not.

Wert thou once put to it?

No sir boy, it was put to me.

How was it must?

Ile warrant for want of a mist. But whats my fortune▪ mother?

Thy father doth liue because he doth die, thou hast spent all thy thrist with a die, and so lyke a begger thou shalt die.

My father in deed is a diar, but I haue ben a dicer, but to die a beggar, giue mee leaue not to beleeue Mother Bombie, and yet it may bee, I haue nothing to liue by but knauery, and if the world grow honest welcome beggerie. But what hast thou to say Risio?

Nothing till I see whether all this bee true that she hath sayd.

I Risio would faine see thee beg.

Nay mother tell vs this, What is all our fortunes, we are about a matter of legerdemaine, howe will it fodge?

You shall all thriue like coosners, that is, to bee coosned by coosners: all shall ende well, and you bee found coosners.

Gramercie Mother Bombie, we are all pleasd, if you were for your paines.

I take no monie, but good wordes, raile not if I tell true, if I doe not reuenge. Farewell. Exit Bom.

Now haue we nothing to doe but to go about this busines, Accius apparell let Candius put on, and I wyll aray Accius with Candius clothes.

Heere is Silenas attire, Linceo put it vpon Liuia, and giue me Liuias for Silena, this done, ler Candius & Liuia come foorth, and let Dromio and mee alone for the rest.

What shall become of Accius and Silena?

Tush, theyr turne shall bee next, all must bee done orderly, lets to it, for nowe it workes.

By this time I am sure, the wagges haue playde their parts, there rests nothing now for vs but to match Accius and Silena

It was too good to be true, for we should laugh heartily, and without laughing my spleene would split, but whist here comes the man, Enter Accius. and yonder the maide, let vs stand aside.

What meanes my father to thrust mee forth in anothers boyes coate? Ile warrant tis to as much purpose as a hem in the forehead.

There was an auncient prouerbe knockt in the head.

I am almost come into mine nonage, and yet I neuer was so farre as the prouerbes of this citie.

Theres a quip for the suburbes of Rochester.

Excellently applyed.

Well, though this furniture make mee a sullen dame, yet I hope in mine owne I am no saint.

A braue fight is lyke to bee betweene a cocke with a long combe, and a hen with a long leg.

Nay her wits are shorter than her legs.

And his combe longer than his wit.

I cannot help you at this time, I praie you come againe to morrow.

I marie sir.

You neede not bee so lustye, you are not so honest.

I crie you mercy I tooke you for a ioynd stoole.

Heeres courting for a conduit or a bakehouse.

But what are you for a man? me thinks you loke as pleaseth God.

What doo you giue me the boots?

Whether will they, here be right coblers cuts.

I am taken with a fit of loue: Haue you anye minde of marriage?

I had thought to haue askt you.

Vpon what acquaintance?

Who would haue thought it?

Much in my gascoins, more in my round hose, all my fathers are as white as daisies, as an egge full of meate.

And all my fathers plate is made of Crimosin veluet.

That braue with bread.

These three had wise men to theyr Fathers.

Why?

Because when their bodies were at worke about household stuffe, their mindes were busied about commonwealth matters.

This is pure lawne: What call you this, a preface to your haire?

Take it as you list, you are in your owne clothes.

Sauing a reuerence thats a lie, my clothes are better, my father borrowed these.

Long may hee so doe. I could tell that these are not mine if I would blab it lyke a woman.

I had as liefe you should tell them it snowd.

Come let vs take them off, for we haue had the creame of them.

Ile warrant if this bee the creame, the milke is verie flat, let vs ioyne issue with them.

To haue such issues of our bodies, is worse than haue an issue in the bodie. God saue you prety mouse.

You may command and go without.

Theres a glieke for you, let me haue my girde, on thy conscience tell me what tis a clocke?

I cry you mercie I haue kild your cushion.

I am paid stroke dead in the neast, I am sure this soft youth who is not halfe so wise as you are faire, nor you altogether so faire as he is foolish, will not be so captious.

Your eloquence passe my recognoscence.

I neuer heard that before, but shal we two make a match betweene you?

Ile know first who was his father.

My father, what need you to care, I hope he was none of yours.

A hard question, for it is oddes but one begate them both, hee that cut out the vpper leather, cut out the inner, & so with one awl stitcht two soles together.

What is she?

Tis Prisius daughter.

What is he?

Sperantus sonne.

So twill cotton.

Damsell, I pray you how olde are you?

My sonne would scarce haue askt such a foolish question.

I shall be eighteene next beare-baiting.

My daughter woulde haue made a wiser aunswere.

O how fitly this comes of!

My father is a scolde, whats yours?

My heart throbs, I looke him in the face, and yonder I espi Stellio.

My minde misgiues mee, but whist, yonder is Memphio.

In faith I perceiue an olde sawe and a rustie, no foole to the olde foole. I praie you wherefore was I thrust out lyke a scar crow in this similitude.

My sonne and I ashamd, Dromio shall die.

Father are you sneaking behind, I pray you what must I doe next?

My daughter, Risio thou hast cosned mee.

Now begins the game.

How came you hether?

Marie by the waie from your house hether▪

How chance in this attire?

How chance Dromio bid me?

Ah thy sonne will bee begd for a concealde foole.

Will I, I faith sir no.

Wherefore came you hether Silena without leaue?

Poore wench, thy wit is improued to the vttermost.

I, tis an hard matter to haue a wit of the olde rent, euerie one rackes his commons so high.

Dromio tolde mee that one should meete Stellios daughter, and courte her in person of my sonne.

Risio tolde me one shoulde meete Memphios sonne, and pleade in place of my daughter.

But alas I see that my sonne hath met wyth Silena himselfe, and bewraid his folly.

But I see my daughter hath pratled with Accius, and discouered her simplicitie.

A braue crie to heare the two olde mules weep ouer the young fooles.

Accius how lykest thou Silena.

I take her to be pregnant.

Truly his talke is very personable.

Come in girle, this geare must be fetcht about.

Come Accius, let vs go in.

Nay sir there is no harme done, they haue neither bought nor solde, they may be twinnes for theyr wits and yeeres.

But why diddest thou tell mee it was Prisius sonne?

Because I thought thee a foole, to aske who thine owne sonne was.

And so sir for your daughter, education hath done much, otherwise they are by nature softe wytted inough.

Alas theyr ioyntes are not yet tied, they are not yet come to yeeres and discretion.

I and Silena to, if you tie them fast to your tongues.

You may take your pleasure of my tongue, for it is no mans wife.

Come in Accius.

Come in Silena, I wyll talke with Memphios sonne, but as for Risio.

As for Dromio.

Asse for you all foure,

How goes the worlde, now we haue made all sure, Candius and Liuia are maryed, their fathers consenting, yet not knowing.

We haue flat mard all, Accius and Silena courted one another, their fathers toke them napping, both are ashamd, and you both shall be swingd.

Tush, let vs alone, we will perswade them that all fals out for the best, for if vnderhande this match had bene concluded, they both had ben coosned, and now seeing they finde both to bee fooles, they may be both better aduised. But why is Halfepenle so sad?

Because I am sure I shall neuer bee a pennie.

Rather praie there be no fall of monie, for thou wilt then go for a que.

But did not the two fooles currantly court one another.

Verie good wordes fitly applyed, brought in in the nicke.

I arest you.

Me sir, why then didst not bring a stoole wyth thee, that I might sit downe?

He arests you at my suite for a horse.

The more Asse hee, if hee had arested a mare in stead of an horse, it had bin but a slight ouersight, but to arest a man that hath no lykenesse of a horse, is flatte lunasie or alecie.

Tush, I hired him a horse.

I sweare then he was well ridden.

I thinke in two daies he was neuer baited.

Why was it a beare thou ridst on?

I meane he neuer gaue him bait.

Why he tooke him for no fish.

I mistake none of you when I take you for fooles, I say thou neuer gauest my horse meate.

Yes, in foure and fortie houres I am sure he had a bottle of hay as big as his belly.

Nothing else, thou shouldest haue giuen him prouender.

Why he neuer askt for anie.

Why, doest thou thinke an horse can speake?

No, for I spurd him till my heeles akt, and hee sayd neuer a word.

Well, thou shalt paie sweetly for spoiling him, it was as lustie a nag as anie in Rochester, and one that would stand vpon no ground.

Then is he as good as euer he was, Ile warrant, heele do nothing but lie downe.

I lent him thee gently.

And I restored him so gently, that hee neither would cry wyhie nor wag the taile.

It may be he was set on the pillorie, because hee had not a true pace.

No, it was for tyring.

He would neuer tire, it may be he would be so wearie he would go no further, or so.

Yes he was a notable horse for seruice, he wold tyre and retire.

Doe you thinke Ile be iested out of my horse, Sergeant wreake thy office on him.

Nay stay, let him be baild.

So he shall when I make him a bargen.

It was a verie good horse I must needs confesse, and now hearken to his qualities, and haue patience to heare them since I must paie for him: He would stumble three houres in one mile, I had thought I had rode vpon addeces betweene this and Canterburie: if one gaue him water, why he would lie downe & bath himselfe lyke a hauke: if one ranne him, he woulde simper and mump, as though he had gone a wooing to a malt mare at Rochester: hee trotted before and ambled behinde, and was so obedient, that he would doo dutie euerie minute on his knees, as though euerie stone had bin his father.

I am sure he had no diseases.

A little rume or pose, hee lackt nothing but an handkercher.

Come, what a tale of a horse haue we here, I can not stay, thou must with me to prison.

If thou be a good fellow Hacknyman, take all our foure bondes for the paiment, thou knowest wee are towne borne children, and wil not shrinke the citie for a pelting iade.

Ile enter into a statute Marchant to see it aunswered. But if thou wilt haue bondes, thou shalt haue a bushell full.

Alas poort Ant, thou bound in a statute marchant: a browne threed will bind thee fast inough: but if you will be content all foure ioyntly to enter into a bond, I will withdrawe the action.

Yes Ile warrant they will, How say you?

I yeeld.

And I.

And I.

Well call the Scriuener.

Heeres one hard by, Ile call him.

A scriueners shop hangs to Sergeants mase, like a burre to a freese coate.

Whats the matter?

You must take a note of a bond.

Nay a pint of curtesie puls on a pot of wine, in this Tauerne weele dispatch.

Agreed.

Now if our wits be not in the waine, our knauery shall bee at the full, they will ride them worse than Dromio rid his horse, for if the wine master their wits, you shall see them bleed their follyes.

Euerie foxe to his hole, the houndes are, at hande.

The Scriuener cannot keepe his pen out of the pot, euery goblet is an inkhorne.

The hackneyman hee whiskes with his wande, as if the Tauerne were his stable, and all the seruantes his horses, Iost there vp bay Richard, and white loaues are horsebread in his eyes.

It is well I haue my acquitance, and hee such a bond as shall doo him no more good than the bond of a faggot, our knaueries are now come to the push, and wee must cunningly dispatch all, wee two will goe see howe wee may appease our masters, you two howe you may conceale the late marriage, if all fall out amisse, the worst is beating, if to the best, the worst is lybertie.

Then lettes about it speedely, for so many yrons in the together require a diligent Plummer.

My heart throbbes, my eares tingle, my minde misgiues mee, since I heare such muttering of marry-ages in Rochester, my conscience which these eighteene yeeres hath beene frosen with coniealed guiltynesse, beginnes nowe to thawe in open griefe, but I wil not accuse my selfe til I see more danger, the good olde woman Mother Bombie shall trie her cunning vpon me, and if I perceiue my case is desperate by her then wyll I rather preuent, although with shame, then report too late, and be inexcusable. God speed good mother.

Welcome sister.

I am troubled in the night with dreames, and in the daie with feares, mine estate bare, which I cannot well beare, but my practises deuillish, which I cannot recall, if therefore in these same yeeres there be anie deepe skill, tell what my fortune shall be, and what my fault is.

In studying to be ouernaturall thou art like to be vnnaturall, and all about a naturall: thou shalt bee eased of a charge if thou thy conscience discharge, and this I commit to thy charge.

Thou hast toucht mee to the quicke mother, I vnderstand thy meaning, and thou w • ll knowest my practise, I will follow thy counsell. But what wyll bee the end?

Thou shalt know before this daie end, farewel.

Nowe I perceiue I must either bewraie a mischiefe, or suffer a continual inconuenience, I must hast homewardes, and resolue to make all whole, better a little shame than an infinite griefe, the strangenes will abate the faulte, and the bewraying wipe it cleane away.

Come fellowes, tis almost daie, let vs haue a fit of mirth at Sperantus doore, and giue a song to the bride.

I beleeue they are asleepe, it were pittie to awake them.

Twere a shame they shoulde sleepe the first night.

But who can tell at which house they lie, at Prisius it may be, weele trie both.

Come lets drawe lyke men.

Now, tune, tune I saie, that boy I thinke will neuer profit in his facultie, he looses his rosen, that his fiddle goes cush, cush, lyke as one should go wetshod, and his mouth so drie, that he hath not spittle for his pinne as I haue.

Mary sir you see I go wetshod and dry mouthd, for yet could I neuer get newe shooes or good drinke, rather than Ile leade this life, I throw my fiddle into the leads for a • obler.

Boy, no more words, theres a time for al things though I say it that should not, I haue bene a minstrell these thirtie yeeres, and tickled more strings than thou hast haires, but yet was neuer so misused.

Let vs not brabble but play, to morrow is a new daie.

I am sorrie I speake in your cast, what shall wee sing?

The loue knot, for thats best for a bridall. Sing. God morow fayre bride, and send you ioy of your bridall.

What a mischiefe make the twanglers here? we haue no trenchers to scrape, it makes my teeth on edge to heare such grating. Get you packing, or Ile make you weare double stockes, and yet you shall bee neuer the warmer.

We come for good will, to bidd the bride and bride groome, God giue them ioy.

Hers no wedding.

Yes your sonne and Prisius daughter were maryed, though you seeme strange, yet they repent it not I am sure.

My sonne villaine, I had rather hee were fairely hanged.

So he is sir, you haue your wish.

Here fidlers take this and not a worde, heere is no wedding, it was at Memphios house, yet gramercy, your musicke though it mist the house hit the minde, we were a preparing our wedding geare.

I crie you mercie sir, I thinke it was Memphios sonne that was married.

O ho the case is altered, go thether then and be haltered for me.

Whats the almes?

An Angell.

Ile warrant thers some worke towards, ten shillings is money in master Maiors purse.

Let vs to Memphios and share equally, when we haue done all thou shalt haue new shooes.

I such as they cry at the Sizes, a marke in issues, and marke in issues, and yet I neuer sawe so much leather as would peece ones shooes.

No more, thers the mony.

A good handfell, and I thinke the maidenhead of your liberalitie.

Come heres the house, what shall we sing?

You know Memphio is verie rich and wise, and therefore let vs strike the gentle stroke, and sing a catch.

God morrowe mistres bride and sende you a huddle.

What crouding knaues haue we there, case vp your fiddles, or the cunstable shall cage you vppe. What bride talke you of?

Heres a wedding in Rochester, and twas tolde me first that Sperantus son had married Prisius daughter, we were there, and they sent vs to your worshippe, saying your son was matched with Stellios daughter.

Hath Sperantus that churle nothing to doe but mocke his neighbours, Ile bee euen with him, and get you gone, or I sweare by the roodes bodie Ile laye you by the heeles.

Sing a catch, heres a faire catch in deed, sing til we catch colde on our feet, and bee cald knaue tyll our eares glowe on our heades, your worshippe is wise sir.

Dromio shake off a whole kennel of officers, to punish these iarring rogues, Ile teach them to stretch theyr dried sheepes guts at my doore, and to mock one that stands to be maior.

I had thought they had beene sticking of pigs, I heard such a squeaking, I go sir.

Let vs be packing.

Where is my scabbarde, euerye one sheath his science.

A bots on the shoemaker that made this boote for my • iddle, tis too straight.

No more wordes, twill bee thought they were the foure wai • es, and let them wring, as or the wagges that set vs on worke, wele talke with them.