CHAP. I. In the which, Lazaro telleth how he par­ted from Toledo, to goe to the Warres of Argiers.

WHo hath the best, & worst doth loue; must not be grieu'd if worst hee proue. I speake it to this purpose, that I neither could nor would containe my selfe in that [Page 2] good course which Fortune had offered me: Change being in me as an inseparable accident, that ac­companied me as well in my best and plenteous, as in my worst and disastrous fortunes; enioying then the happiest life that euer Patriarch did, eating like an inuited Fryer, drinking more then at a Gossip­ping, better clothed then a Iesuite, and with two round dozens of Ry­als in my Purse, surer then any Huckster of Madrid; my House full, as a Bee-hiue; a daughter got in Capricorne; and an Office, which the Dog-whipper of the Ca­thedrall Church of Toledo might well haue enuyed: Newes came of the Expedition for Argiers, which disquieted me very much, & made me determine (as a good sonne) to follow the steps and tracke of my good father Thomas Gonzales (whō God absolue) with a desire to leaue [Page 3] to poster ages a patterne & exam­ple, not to leade a crafty blind man, pick the Loafe of a couetous Priest, serue a needy thredbare Squire, and lastly, to proclaime the faults of o­ther men: but to open the eyes of Mores, blinded with errors; to sinke and batter the bold and Pyraticall Nauie; to serue a valiant Captaine, of the Order of S. Iohn; with whom I placed my selfe Butler, vpon this cōdition, That whatsoeuer I should get in warre, should be mine owne, as it was; and lastly, the patterne and example that I meant to leaue, was, to encourage & animate, in crying S. Iames, and, Stand to it Spaine. I tooke leaue of my welbeloued wife and of my deare daughter: The one entreated me not to forget to bring her a little Blackamore; the other de­sired me to be mindfull to send her by the first Carrier a Slaue, to wait vpon her, & some Barbary Cecchines, [Page 4] with which she might comfort her selfe in my absence. I asked leaue of the Arch-Priest my Master, to whose care and custodie I commit­ted both my Wife, and Daughter, who promised mee to deale with them in no worse manner, then if they had beene his owne. I parted from Toledo iouiall, stately, and content (as all are that goe to the Warres) puft vp with glorious hopes, accompanied with a great number of friends, and neighbors, that went the same Voyage, carried with a desire of bettering their for­tune. Wee came to Murcia, with intention to goe shippe our selues at Cartagena: where, there befell me that which I little wished, to make me know, that Fortune, who had set me on the toppe of her vn­constant Wheele, and aduanced me to the highest degree of earthly felicitie, began alreadie (in her swift [Page 5] course) to hurle me downe head­long to the lowest. The chaunce was, that comming to our Lod­gings, I saw a semy-man, who see­med rather a hee Goat, by reason of his ragged and tottered Gar­ments: his Hat was pulled downe ouer his eyes, so that I could by no meanes see his face; hee leaned his cheeke vpon his hand, and had his legge crosse ouer his Sword, which he wore in a halfe Scabbard made of Lists: his Hat (right Beggars Blocke) had no crowne, the better to euaporate the humours of his head: his Doublet was of the French fashion, so cut and slasht with wearing, as there was not a piece left bigge ynough, to wrap vp halfe a frathing worth of Cum­min Seed in: his Shirt was of flesh, which might be seene through the Grate of his Garment; his Bree­ches were sutable: his Stockings, [Page 6] the one red, the other greene, came scarce to his Anckles; his Shooes without Soles, were as good to be drawne as carried. By a Cocks Fe­ther which hee wore in his Hat, I thought hee should be a Souldier; With this imagination, I asked him from whence he was, and whi­ther hee went? Hee casting vp his eyes, to see who hee was that que­stioned him, straight knew me, and likewise I him; it was the Squire whom I had serued in Toledo: I was astonished to see him in such a pickle. Hee obseruing my amaze­ment, said to me; I maruell not (friend Lazaro) if thou doest won­der to see me in this Equipage: but anon thou shalt leaue wondring, when I haue told thee what hath happened vnto me, since the time that I left thee in Toledo vntill now. Returning to my Lodging, with the change of my Pistolet to dis­charge [Page 7] my Creditors, I met with a Woman, close wrapt vp in her Veyle; who pulling mee by the Cloake, with teares, and sighes, mingled with sobs, entreated mee earnestly to be fauourable vnto her, in an vrgent necessitie. I bad her speake her griefe, which she should be longer in telling, then I in hel­ping. Shee continuing her wee­ping, with a maidenly shamefast­nesse said, That the courtesie which I was to doe her, and whereof shee was to request me, was, to accom­panie her vnto Madrid, where shee was told, that a Gentleman was, who not content to haue disho­noured her, had also robbed her of all her Iewels, without any regard to the promise of Marri­age which hee had giuen her; and that if I would doe this for her, shee would doe for mee what a thankfull woman is obliged to doe. [Page 8] I comforted her after the best man­ner that I could; giuing her this hope, that if her enemie were to be found in the World, shee might hold her selfe alreadie reuenged. To conclude, without any delay we set forward towards the Court, whitherto I bare all the charges. The good Damsell (that knew well whither she went) carried me to a Band of Souldiers, who receiued her with all chearefulnesse, and brought her before the Captaine, to haue her enrolled for one of their Cockatrices: Then turning her selfe towards me, with a shame­lesse and brazen countenance shee said, Farewell Master Lubber, I haue now no more need of you. I seeing my selfe thus gull'd, began to rage and foame at my mouth, telling her, that if shee had beene a man, as well as shee was a woman, I would haue pulled her Soule vp [Page 9] by the roots out of her Body. A petty Souldier among the rest rose vp to me, and laying his hand vp­on my face, made me aduance a Baboones Snowt; not daring to giue me a boxe on the eare; which if hee had, his Graue might haue beene digged in the same place. When I saw the matter grow worse and worse, Mum sayd I, and went my way a little faster then ordinarie, to trie if some tall fellow or other durst haue follow­ed mee, that wee might haue cut one anothers throat; for had I en­countred with any of the baser stampe, and had killed him (as without doubt I had) what honour or what credite had I gotten? But if the Captaine had come forth, or some Swash-buckler, I would haue giuen him more slashes then there is Sand in the Sea. When I per­ceiued that none durst follow me, [Page 10] I went away very well pleased. Af­ter that, I sought for a Seruice, and because I could not finde such a one as I deserue, I am as thou seest mee. The troth is, that I might haue beene Butler or Vsh­er to fiue or sixe Botcher-Wiues; Offices, that though I were readie to starue, I would not accept of. Finally, my good Master said, that because hee could not meete with certaine Marchants of his Coun­trey, who would haue lent him Money, hee was without it, and knew not whither to goe that Night. I, that straight smelt his meaning, inuited him to the halfe of my Bed, and Supper; which offer hee willingly accepted. As wee went to Bed, I desired him not to lay his Clothes vpon it, because it was too little for so much companie. The next mor­ning, thinking to rise without [Page 11] any noyse, I reached my hand to my Clothes, but I found Blancko; for the Slaue had stollen them, and was gone away with them. I thought verily I should haue died in my Bed for sorrow: and it had beene farre better for me, for then had I escaped the many deaths, which since I haue suffered. I be­gun to cry as loud as I could, Theeues, Theeues; which those of the house hearing, came vp, and found me as a Swimmer new come out of the Water, seeking in euery corner of the Chamber something to couer me. They all fell a laugh­ing, as if they had beene mad, and I a swearing, like a Carman. I gaue to the Diuel that Theefe, and brag­ging Cheater, who halfe the night long had kept mee awake, with tel­ling mee the greatnesse of his per­son, and kindred. All the remedie that for that time I could finde (no [Page 12] body helping mee with a better) was to trie, if the Garments of that said Braggadocio could fit mee, till God had sent mee some others. But it was a Labyrinth; they had neither beginning, nor ending: there was no difference betwixt Breeches, and Ierkin. I thrust my Legges into the Sleeues, and wore the Breeches for a Dou­blet; not forgetting the Stoc­kings, which seemed to bee some Chandlers drawing Sleeues: the Shooes were like Shackles about my Legges, because they wanted Soles. I blockt on the Hat, the Crowne downeward, because it was lesse greasie. And as for the troupes that trauelled ouer me on foot and horsebacke, I let them passe. In this Habit went I to my Master, who had sent to call mee; who wondering to see such a skare-Crow, fell into such a laughter, [Page 13] that his backe-strings slackening, hee could hold no longer, but made flush; the which (for his credite) it is fitting ones tongue should passe ouer with silence. After a thousand stoppes, hee as­ked mee the reason of this Dis­guise; I told it him: And there­upon, in stead of taking pittie of mee, hee chid mee, and turned mee out of doores, saying, That as then I had brought that man into my Bedde; so another time, I would doe the like with some other, that would robbe him.

CHAP. II. How Lazaro tooke shipping at Cartagena.

I Alwayes haue had a gift, not to stay long with one Master; no more did I with this, though not by my fault. I saw my selfe forsaken, alone, and distressed; in such plight, as euery one would thrust mee from him, gybing and laughing at mee. One would tell mee, That Hat with a Back-doore, is not much amisse; it lookes like a Dutch-womans Cappe: Ano­ther would say, That Doublet is of the Fashion, it is like a Hogge­stie; and the rather, seeing your Worship is in it: they runne so thicke, that hee might kill them, and send them salted to the good Lady his Wife. A Snap-sacke-bearer said to mee, Fore God Sir [Page 15] Lazaro, those Stockings make you a very good Calfe. Euery one did so scoffe and flout mee, that I was in minde to returne home againe, but that I thought, that there would be but poore Warres, if I should not get more then I had lost. That, that grieued mee most, was, that they fled from me as from one that were infected. Wee tooke shipping at Cartagena: the Ship was great, and well prouided. They hoysted vp the Sailes, and commit­ted them to the Winde, which car­ryed it, & droue it with great swift­nesse. The shore vanished from our sight, and the Sea begun to swell with a contrary Wind, which ray­sed the Billowes vnto the Clouds. The tempest encreased, & our hope diminished. The Mariners & Pilots gaue vs ouer: The wayling & wee­ping was so great, that me thought we were at a Good-friday correction. [Page 16] The noyse was so great, that no­thing of what was commanded, could bee vnderstood: The one runn'd to one place, the other to another: wee all seemed Braziers. Euery one confessed himselfe to whom hee could: such there were as confessed themselues to a Punke; who gaue them the absolution af­ter as good a manner, as if shee had exercised the Office many yeeres. It is good angling in a muddie Water: When I saw that they were all busie, I said to my selfe, Die then, and die full. And there­upon I went downe to the bot­tome of the Ship, where there was great store of Bread, Wine, Pasties, and Preserues, for no body said so much as, what make you heere? I began to eate of all, and to fill my belly, that I might haue prouision ynough till Doomes-day. In the meane time there came a Souldier [Page 17] to me, desiring me to shriue him: Who, amazed to see me with so good Cheere, and Appetite, asked me, How I could eate, seeing death before mine eyes? I answered him, That I did it for feare lest the Sea­water, which I was to drinke in my drowning, should doe mee any harme. This my simplicitie, made him fetch a laugh from his heeles. Many confessed themselues to me, not able to vtter one true word for griefe and feare; nor I to hearken vnto them, for hast that I had to fill my selfe. The Captaines, and men of note, with two Priests that were there, saued thēselues in the Cock-boat. I being ill apparrelled, could not be receiued into it. When I had eaten my fill, I went me to a Hogs-head of good Wine, and there powring downe my Throat as much as euer I could, I forgot both my selfe and the Tempest. The [Page 18] Ship ouerturned, and the Water came in, as in her home. A Cor­porall taking hold of both my hands amidst the pangs of death, desired mee to heare a sinne where­of hee would confesse himselfe vn­to me; which was, That he had not fulfilled a Pennance which had bin enioyned him, to goe on Pilgri­mage to our Lady of Loretta, ha­uing had many opportunities to effect it; and that then, when hee would, hee could not. I told him, that by the authoritie which I had receiued, I did change it him; and that in stead of going to our Lady of Loretta, he should go to S. Iames. Alas Sir (said hee) how willingly would I accomplish this Pennance; but already the water begins to get into my mouth so that I cannot. If it be so, said I againe, I enioyne you for your Pennance to drinke all the water of the Sea: but he did not ex­ecute [Page 19] it, by reason that there were others that drunke as much as hee. The water comming to my mouth, I cryed out, To another doore, for this cannot open; and although it had beene open, yet could it not haue entred, because my body was so full of Wine, that it lookt like a puft Bladder. At the noyse of the cracking of the Ship, came a great quantitie of Fish, eating the flesh of the Wretches that were drowned (and not in a little Water) as if they fed in a Common. In the little time that I was a going to the bottome, and comming vp againe, I saw in­credible things: An infinite number of Bones, and Bodies of Men; great store of Coffers, full of Money and Iewels, great quantitie of Armes, Silkes, Linnen, and Spices. I had a great mind to all, and it grieued me much, that I had it not all safe at home, with which (as a Biscay said) [Page 20] I would eat my Bread printed with Sardaines. If I could but get out these Riches now (said I to my selfe) no Inne-keeper in the World should fare more delicately then I. I would build Houses, establish Reuenewes, and purchase a Garden in the Zigarrales. My Wife should Zigarrales is a place in Toledo, where there are very pleasant Gardens. stile her selfe Lady, and I Lord­ship: I would marry my daughter to the richest Cooke in my Coun­trey. Euery one would come and congratulate mee, and I would tell them, that I had wraught fairely, drawing my Wealth, not out of the entrailes of the Earth, but from the very heart of the Sea: not wet with sweat, but through wet with water, as any dried Poore-Iohn. In all my life, I was neuer so content as then; not considering, that if I opened my mouth, I should re­maine there buried with the Trea­sure, for euer and a day.

CHAP. III. How Lazaro came out of the Sea.

SEeing my selfe so neere vnto my end, I feared; and so nigh the Treasure, I reioyced: Death affrighted me, the Treasure delighted me. To shun that, since I could not enioy this, I rent off from my backe the ragges that the Squire my Master had left me, for the good seruices which I had done him, and began to swimme (though I had but very little skill therein) Necessitie giuing Wings to my feet, and Oares to my hands. I know not how; a Cord fastened about my foot, which (as farre as I could perceiue) was tyed to a great Chest (without doubt, full of Iew­els) which, though I could, I would not vnloosen; imagining, whether [Page 22] my former thoughts might not haue beene some prophecie. But such was my bad lucke, that if all the prophecies in the World had promised me some happy and con­stant fortune, yet none of them had come to passe. As the Cord leng­thened, my hopes and ambition encreased, beleeuing, that if I could but come a shoare with it, I would draw and pull out of the Sea that great Chest, wherewith Lazaro should be more wealthy, and more respected, then Prester Iohn of the Indies. The Fishes which were a­bout mee, came to bite mee, thru­sting mee forward with their bobs, which were to mee as a Stirrop: And so they iogging, and I kic­king, wee came almost to the top of the Water, where there befell mee a chance, which was cause of all my misfortune. The Fishes and I ranne into a Net, which [Page 23] certaine Fishermen had cast forth: who feeling a Draught, drew it vp with such violence (and the Water with no lesse, beginning to enter into mee) that vnable to resist, I began to drowne, and could not haue escaped, if the Saylers (ac­cording to their accustomed haste) had not drawne vp the prey into their Boat. The Diuell take that filthie sauour: in all my life time I neuer drunke worse stuffe; it ta­sted somewhat like the Worship­full Arch-Priest his Pisse, which once my Wife made mee drinke, telling mee it was Wine of Oca­na. Ocana, a Ci­tie in Spaine, where very good Wine is made. Hauing put into the Boat the Fishes, and I among them, they began to draw the Cord, by the which (as it is sayd) they pulled vp the bottome: they found mee tyed at it; whereat much a­mazed, they sayd, What Fish is this, that hath the face of a man? [Page 24] Is it not some Diuell, or some Spi­rit? But let vs draw this Rope, and see what Clogge hangs at the heeles. Then fell they a haling and tugging, with such might & maine, that they had like to haue sunke the Boat: Perceiuing the danger, they presently cut the Rope, and with it, the hopes of Lazaro of euer attay­ning The Gothes were the first Kings of Spaine, frō whence, when a man is termed rich and great, hee is said to be of the Gothes. to the greatnesse of the Gothes. They held my head downe-ward, that I might the better cast out the Water, as also the Wine, which I had drunke. They perceiued, that I was not dead (which had not beene the worst for me) and gaue me a little Wine, with the which (as a Lampe with Oyle) I came againe to my selfe. They asked mee a hundred Questions, but I answered to done of them, vntill such time as they gaue mee some Meate. Then recouering breath, the first thing that I asked [Page 25] them, was for the Clogge which I dragged at my foot: They an­swered mee, that they had cut it, to saue themselues from the dan­ger wherein they were. There did Troy loose her selfe, and Lazaro his well-placed desires: there began his paines, griefes, and torments. There is no greater vexation in the World, then to haue beene rich, and eleuated to the Hornes of the Moone; and afterward, to be­come poore, and subiect to fooles. All my Chimera's were built vpon the Water; and in an instant, it drowned them all. Then did I re­late vnto the Fishermen, what both they and I had lost, by cut­ting off my Iesses: which, when they vnderstood, they were so grieued, that one of them had like to runne madde. But one of the grauest among them sayd, That it would be good to turne [Page 26] mee againe into the Sea, and to stay there for mee, vntill I came forth againe. They were all of his opinion; and, notwithstanding all the inconueniences which I repre­sented vnto them, they persisted in their deliberation, saying, That since I knew the way, it would bee an easie thing for mee (as if it had beene no more, then to goe to a Cookes Shop, or to a Tauerne.) They were so blinded with couetousnesse, that alreadie they would haue throwne mee o­uer boord; if my good, or ra­ther bad fortune, had not brought to the place where wee were, another Boat, which came to carry away their Draught. Where­fore they held their peace, left the others should know of the Treasure which they had disco­uered, and were constrained for that time, to desist from their [Page 27] cruell intention. They brought their Boates to the Shore, and craftily threw mee among the Fishes, with intent to returne to seeke mee againe, when conueni­ently they might. Then two of them tooke mee, and secretly carryed mee to a little Cottage, not farre from thence. One that knew not the mysterie, asked them what was that? They an­swered, That it was a Monster which they had taken with the Tunnies. When I saw my selfe in the Lodge, I desired them to giue mee some ragges, or o­ther, to couer my nakednesse, that I might shew my selfe be­fore men. That shall bee (an­swered they) when the Recko­ning is made with the Hostesse; but I vnderstood not (at that pre­sent) that kinde of language. The fame of the Monster did [Page 28] spread it selfe throughout all the Countrey, so that much people came to the Cottage, for to see mee: But the Fishermen would not shew mee, saying, That they expected a Licence from the Bi­shop and Inquisitors to that end; vntill when, they desired to be ex­cused. I was amazed, not knowing what to say, or doe, little imagi­ning what their intention was. It was with mee as with Cuckolds, who are the last that know, that they are such. These Diuels found out an Inuention, the Diuell him­selfe could not haue inuented the like; which requireth a new Chap­ter, and new attention.

CHAP. IIII. How Lazaro was carryed through all Spaine.

OCcasion makes the theefe. Which the Fishermen see­ing to offer it selfe so faire vnto them, tooke hold of, not onely by the fore-top, but by the whole body. For perceiuing that so great number of people came to see the new Fish, they determined to re­compence themselues of the losse that they had made, in cutting the Rope from my foot: and therefore they sent to demaund a Licence of the Inquisitors, to shew ouer all Spaine a Fish, that had a mans face. They obtained it very easily, by meanes of a Present which they made to their Lordships, of the best fish they had taken. When then the good Lazaro was giuing thanks [Page 30] to God, that hee had drawne him out of a Fishes belly (which was a miracle, by so much the greater, by how much my skill and cunning was the lesse, swimming like a Barre of Iron) foure of them (who seemed rather Executioners, such as crucified Christ, then men) came and tooke me vp, and binding my hands behind my backe, put me on a Beard, not forgetting the great Mustachios, and a Perewig made of Mosse, that made me shew like a wilde man in a Garden. They wrapped vp my feete in Flagges, as a Trowt of the Mountaines. I The best Trowts in Spaine are taken in the Springs of Riners in the Moun­taines, from whēce they are brought wrapped vp in flagges, for feare of spoyling. bewayled my mishap, I sighed, complayning of my Destinie. O Fortune (said I) why doest thou persecute mee thus? In all my life I neuer saw nor knew thee: but if by the effects one may iudge of the cause; by the tryall which alreadie I haue had of thee, I [Page 31] am verily perswaded, that no Sy­rene, Baziliske, Viper, or Lionesse with Whelpes, is more cruell then thou art. Thou raysest men by thy flatteries, and cherishings, to the highest of thy delights, and riches, and from thence doest hurle them headlong into the depth of all mi­series and calamities, by so much the greater, by how much thy fa­uours haue beene great. One of these my Tormentors hearing my complaint, with a Carter-like voyce said to me, If Master Tun­nie speakes but a word more, hee shall presently bee salted with his companions, or bee burned for a Monster: The Lords of the Inquisition (continued hee) haue ordayned, that wee carrie him thorow all the Cities and Places of Spaine, to make him bee seene of all men, as a Prodi­gie, and Monster of Nature. [Page 32] I swore and vowed vnto them, that I was neyther Tunnie, Monster, nor any such thing, but as good a man as any Neighbours Child whatso­euer: and that if I was come out of the Sea, it was by reason I had fallen into it, among those that were drowned, going to the Warres of Argters. But they were deafe; and so much the more, that they were not minded to vnder­stand mee. Seeing that my pray­ers were as vainely spent, as Suddes about an Asses face; I put on pa­tience, expecting till Time, that procureth all, should cure my an­guish, proceeding from those cur­sed Metamorphosis. They put mee in a halfe Tubbe, made after the fa­shion of a Brigantine, full of Wa­ter; so that sitting in it, it came vp to my Lippes. I could not stand vpon my feet, for they were tyed with a Rope, whereof one end came [Page 33] out through a Leaden Pipe, put be­tweene the hoopes and boards of the said Tub, in such sort, that if by mischance I grunted neuer so little, in pulling onely the Rope, they made me plunge (like a Duck) and drinke more Water then one that hath the Dropsie. I shut my mouth close, till such time as hee that pulled the Rope, had slackned it; and then I peeped out with my head like a Tortoyse, learning from thence-forth by my owne harme to be warie. Being layd in this man­ner, they shewed me to euery one: and the number of those that came to see mee, was so great, that in one day (euery one paying three halfe­pence) they got two hundred Ry­als. That is, fiue pound. The more they gayned, the more they coueted; which made them haue a great care of my wel­fare. They entred in consultation, whether it were best euery night to [Page 34] take me out of the Water, least the ouer-much moistnesse and cold might shorten my life, which was dearer vnto them then their owne, for the profit which they receiued by it. At length they concluded, that I should still remaine therein; perswading themselues, that cu­stome would turne into nature: so that by that meanes, poore Lazaro was as greene Rice, or Hempe in a standing Poole. I leaue to the cha­ritable consideration of the gentle Reader, what in such a case I might endure, seeing my selfe detained in so strange a kind of Prison; a Cap­tiue in a Land of freedome, and fettered by the malice of those co­uetous Puppet-players; and (which was worst, and plagued mee most) was to be forced to counterfeit the dumbe man, without being so; nor to haue power so much as to open my mouth, because that at the in­stant [Page 35] that I did open it, my Centi­nell was so watchfull, that (without being discouered by any one) hee would stop it with Water, for feare least I should speake. My meat was soaked Bread, which those that came there, threw mee, to see mee eate: so, that in the space of sixe moneths that I remained in that Bath, the Deuill a bit of any thing else that I did eate, being readie to die for hunger. My drinke was the Water of the Tubbe; which not being very cleane, was the more substantiall: for the coldnesse there­of gaue me a Laske, which lasted as long as I continued in that watrie Purgatorie.

CHAP. V. How Lazaro was carryed to the Court.

THese Extortioners carryed mee from Citie to Citie, from Towne to Towne, and from Farme to Farme, more jocund with their gaine, then the Earth with May flowers; and flow­ting poore Lazaro, thus did sing:

The Hearse wherein I was, was carryed vpon a Cart, and attended by three; the Car-man; hee that drew the Cord when I did offer to speake; and hee that related my life: who likewise made the speeches, telling the strange meanes they had [Page 37] vsed to catch mee, and lying more confidently, then any Taylor vpon an Easter Eue. When wee trauel­led through inhabited places, they suffered me to speake; which was the greatest courtesie I receiued of them. I asked them, what Deuill had put it into their heads, to carry me vp and downe after such a man­ner in a Tubbe. They answered me, That if they had not done so, I would haue died presently; for be­ing (as I was) a Fish, they knew I could not liue out of the Water. Seeing them so confident, I deter­mined to be one; and so I perswa­ded my selfe, since that euery one esteemed me so; beleeuing, that the Sea-Water might haue transfor­med mee (the voyce of the People being, according to the Prouerbe, the voyce of God) so that from thence-forward I was as silent as if I had been at Masse. They brought [Page 38] me to the Court; where their gaine was great, the followers thereof be­ing very desirous of nouelties, as men that liue in perpetuall idle­nesse. Among many that came to see mee, there were two Schollers, who considering more exactly my Physiognomie, said in a low voice, That they durst sweare vpon a Booke, that I was no Fish, but a Man; and that if they had beene in any charge of Iustice, they would haue sifted out the naked truth, with a Whip on their naked shoul­ders. I prayed to God in my mind that they would doe it, so that I might haue beene freed frō thence: and thereupon I thought to helpe them forwards, saying, the Gentle­men Schollers are in the right. But scarce had I opened my mouth, whē my Centinell had popped it vnder Water. The shouting that all the people kept when I ducked my self [Page 39] (or rather they ducked me) hindred the good Licentiates to proceed a­ny further in their discourse. They threw me Bread, and I gobled it vp before it could be through wet; but they gaue me not halfe so much as I could haue eaten. Then I remēbred the plenty that I had in Toledo, & my good friends the Germans, and what good wine I was wont to cry; besee­ching God not to suffer me to die by water, my greatest enemy. After that I entred into consideration of what the students had said, which by rea­son of the noise, no body had vnder­stood, & confirmed my selfe in the opinion that I was a man, and from thence-forward I held my selfe to be one, although my Wife had of­tentimes told me that I was a Beast; & the Boyes of Toledo were wont to say vnto me, Good M. Lazaro pull your Hat downe lower vpon your forhead, for one may see your horns: [Page 40] and their carrying of mee thus in pickle, had made mee doubt whe­ther I were a perfect man, or no. But as soone as I heard these bles­sed and quick-sighted Ouerseers speake, I made no more doubt of it, but sought meanes to free my selfe from the hands of those Chaldeans. One Night, in the deadest time, see­ing my Guards fast asleepe, I tryed to vnbinde my selfe: but by reason that the Cords were wet, it was impossible for mee. I thought to crie out, but I considered, that it would auayle mee nothing, for the first of them that should heare mee, would haue stopped my mouth with a pottle of Water. Seeing this Gate shut to my remedie, with great impatience I began to tum­ble and wallow in my mire, and at length, with my tossing and strug­ling, I ouerthrew the Tub, and my selfe withall, spilling all the Water. [Page 41] When I saw my selfe free, I began to call out for helpe. The Fisher­men awaking, all amazed to see what I had done, came in haste to relieue me, by stopping my mouth, and cramming it with Grasse: and the better to confound my excla­mations, they likewise with a low­der straine fell a crying, helpe, help; and amidst this hurly-burly, they ran to a Well hard by, and with an incredible diligence filled vp the Tub againe. The Host came forth with a Halberd, and all those of the house, some with Spits, and some with Poles. The neighbours came running in, and a Baylife with his associates, that were passing that way. The Inne-keeper asked the Saylers what the matter was, who answered, that Theeues would haue stollen away their Fish; which hee hearing (as if he had been mad) fell a crying out, Theeues, Theeues. [Page 42] Some watched if they would steale out at the doore; others looked, if they did not climbe from one house to another: but already my Keepers had returned me into my Bath. It happened, that the Water which had beene spilled, ranne all through a hole into a lower Chamber, vpon the Bed where the daughter of the house did lye, who mooued with charitie, had affoorded part of it to a Priest, who for her sake was come to lodge there that Night. They were so skared with the deluge of Water that fell vpon their Bed, and with the out-cryes and noyse that euery one did make; that, not knowing what shift to make, they threw themselues out at a window, as naked as Adam and Eue. Now did the Moone shine so bright, that she might haue entred in compari­son with him from whom she doth receiue her brightnesse. As soone [Page 43] as they saw them, they cryed out, There be the Theeues, stoppe the Theeues. The Baylife and his assi­stants ran after them, & ouertooke them not farre from thence (by rea­son that being bare-footed, the stones did hinder their speed) and without any delay carryed them to Prison. The Fishermen the next morning very early tooke leaue of Madrid to goe to Toledo, not know­ing what was become of the kind-hearted Wench, and the deuout Priest.

CHAP. VI. How Lazaro was carryed to Toledo.

THe Industrie of Men is vaine; their Knowledge, Ignorance; and their Might, Impotencie; when God dooth not strengthen, direct, [Page 44] and guide them. My labour serued onely to encrease the care and soli­citude of my Iaylors; who angry for their last nights Alarum, gaue mee so many Bastonadoes by the way, that they left mee almost for dead, saying, Accursed Fish, would you haue beene gone? Doe you not acknowledge the great good one doth you, in not killing you? you are as the Oake, that yeeldeth not his fruit without cudgelling. After this manner bruised, vpbraided, and almost dead for hunger, they entred me into Toledo, and lodged them­selues hard by a place called the Zocedober, at a Widowes House, whose Wine I was wont to crie. They put mee in a lower Roome, where a multitude of people came to see me, and among others, my Eluira, holding my daughter by the hand. When I saw them, I could not but giue way to two Niles of [Page 45] teares, that gushed out of mine eyes. I wept, and sighed, but with­in my selfe, for feare they should depriue me of what I so much lo­ued, and of the sight of that, which I desired to haue a thousand eyes to see, though it had beene better, that those who hindred my speech, had also taken from me my visible facultie. For looking earnestly vp­on my Wife, I saw her (I know not if I may speake it) I saw her with a belly mounted to her mouth. I was amazed and astonished, although (had I been in my right wits) I had had no great cause, for the Arch-Priest my Master had told mee, when I went to the Warres, that hee would deale with her as if shee had been his owne. But what most vexed me, was, that I could not per­swade my selfe that shee was with child by mee, hauing beene absent aboue a yeere. Indeed when I dwelt [Page 46] with her, and that wee were at Bed and Board together, and that shee would say to mee; Lazaro, doe not beleeue that I am false to thee; for so doing, thou doest wondrous ill: I was so well satisfied, that I abhor­red to conceiue an euill thought of her, euen as the Deuill doth holy-Water; I liued jouiall, content, and without Iealousie, the Disease of Fooles. I haue oftentimes con­sidered with my selfe, that this mat­ter of Children doth chiefely con­sist in imagination: for how many are there, that loue such as they thinke to be theirs, who indeed be­long to them no otherwise, then by name and number? and others, who (for certaine Chymera's forged in their braines, that their Wiues haue grafted vpon their heads the punishment of Acteons temeritie) doe hate and abhorre those that be their owne? I began to reckon [Page 47] the moneths, and dayes, but I found the way stopt, to my comfort. I thought, whether my deare bed-fellow were not sicke of the Drop­sie; but that pious imagination lasted mee but very little: for, as soone as shee was gone forth, two old Gossips began to say one to a­nother, What thinke you of the Arch-Priestresse? shee hath no want of her Husband. Who hath got her with Child, asked the o­ther? Who? replyed the first: Marry, the reuerend Arch-Priest; who is so good, that (for to giue no scandall, if shee should be deli­uered in his house without hauing a Husband) hee doth marry her the next Sunday to Peter Gabacho, who will bee as patient as my Gossip Lazaro. That was the Touch­stone, and Non plus vltra of my patience; it began to ouercome my Heart: So that, sweating [Page 48] within the Water, and vnable to helpe my selfe, I fell downe in a swoone within the Hog-stie. The water then entring amaine through all the passages, without any resi­stance, I appeared to be dead (much against my will, which was, to liue as long as it would please God, and I should be able, in spight of Gali­cians, and all crosse fortune.) The Fishermen very heauie, caused all that were there, to goe out, and in all haste lifted my head out of the Water; but they found, that I was without pulse, or breath, as they themselues were for very griefe, be­wayling their losse, which to them was none of the least. They tooke me out of the Tubbe, and did what they could to make me vomit that which I had swallowed; but all in vaine, for death (as they thought) had alreadie shut the doore after her. They remained blanke (as at a [Page 49] running Lottery) not knowing any remedie, nor how to ease their griefe. It was at last decreed by the Councell of three, that the Night following they should car­rie mee to the Riuer, and should there throw mee in, with a stone a­bout my necke; to make that my Graue, which had beene the instru­ment of my death.

CHAP. VII. What happened to Lazaro vpon the way to the Riuer Tagus.

LEt no man despaire, how af­flicted soeuer hee seeth him­selfe; for when he shall least expect it, God will open the Gates and Windowes of his Mercy, and shew, that nothing is impossible vnto him; and that hee can and wil change the designes of the wicked into wholesome and comfortable [Page 50] remedies, for such as put their trust in him. These Knaues in graine thinking that Death did not jeast (whose custome is little so to doe) put me into a Sack, and (laying me In Spaine, they vse to carry Wine or Water vpon Mules or Horses. in Goates or Calues skins, fitted to that pur­pose, which they call Caques. ouerthwart a Mule, as a Goats skin of Wine, or rather of Water, being full thereof to the very mouth) took their way downe the Hill of the Carmelites, more sorrowfull then if they had beene going to burie the Father that begot them, or the Mo­ther that bare thē. It was my good fortune, when they put me vpon the Mule, to be layd vpon my stomack and belly; so that going with my mouth downeward, I began to cast out Water, as if a Sluce-gate had Frago with the Spani­ards is a fish that out of his mouth doth some­times cast so much water, that it is a­ble to drown a Boat. been opened, or as if I had been the fish * Frago, by means wherof I came againe to my selfe; and gathering breath, I perceiued that I was out of the water, & out of that accursed Tub: but I neyther knew where I [Page 51] was, nor whither they carryed mee. Only I heard them say, It is best for our safety to seek out some Pit very deepe, that he may not be found so soone. By the thred I recouered the needle, & imagining presently what the matter was, and seeing that the Crow could be no blacker then his wings, hearing a noyse of people thereabouts, I began to cry out, Helpe, help, for the Lords sake. The stir which I heard, was the Watch, who came instantly to my out-cry with their naked swords, & ransac­king the Sack, found poore Lazaro through soaked, as a Greene-fish. They caried vs all, as they found vs, to the gaole; the fishermen weeping to see themselues prisoners, and I laughing for being at libertie. They put them in a dungeon, and me in a good Bed. The next day being exa­mined, they confessed, That indeed they had carryed me vp and downe [Page 52] through Spaine: but that they had done it, beleeuing that I was a Fish; and that to that effect they had ob­tained a Licence of the Lords of the Inquisition. For my part, I told the whole truth, and how those Rascals held me bound, and put me into such a posture, as I was not able so much as to grunt. They brought in the Arch-Priest, and my good Elutra, to proue if it were true that I were that Lazaro de Tormes, whom I said I was. My Wife en­tred the first, and earnestly behol­ding me, said, That the truth was, that I somewhat resembled her good husband; but shee beleeued I was not hee: for though I had al­wayes bin a great Beast, I was more Because hee loued Wine well, as Gnats doe; and like an Oxe had Hornes, be­ing a Cuc­kold. likely to become a Gnat or an Oxe then a Fish. Hauing thus spoken, and made a low Cursie, shee went forth. My hangmens Atturney re­quired, that I might be burned, be­cause [Page 53] without doubt I was a Mon­ster, which he did binde himselfe to proue. (The Diuell I am as soone, (said I to my selfe) vnlesse some Conjurer now should persecute me, transforming me into what hee listed.) The Iudges commanded him to be silent. Then came in the reuerend Arch-Priest, who seeing me so bleake, and wrimpled, like an old Wiues belly, said, That he ney­ther knew me by my face, nor shape. I then remembred him of some old passages, and many secrets that had passed betweene vs; particularly I bad him remember the Night that he came naked vnto my bed, saying, that he was afraid of a Hob-goblin that haunted his chamber, and laid himselfe betweene my Wife & me. He, for feare I should haue procee­ded any farther in tokens, confessed it to be true, that I was Lazaro, his good friend and seruant. The Suit [Page 54] ended with the testimonie of the Captaine that had carried me from Toledo (and was one of those that escaped the Tempest in the Cock-boat) who acknowledged, that I was in person Lazaro his seruant; and all this did agree with the rela­tion of the time & place where the fishermen said they had caught me. They condemned euery one of thē to two hundred stripes, and their goods confiscated, the one part to the King, the other to the Priso­ners, and the third to Lazaro. They were found to haue two thousand Fiftie pounds. Ryals, two Mules, and a Cart; of the which (all duties and charges payd) there fell to my share twentie A Duckat is fiue shillings six pence of our money. duckats. The Saylers remained bare and comfortlesse, and I rich & con­tent; for in all my life before I had not seen my selfe Master of so much money at once. I went to the house of one of my Friends: where, after [Page 55] I had poured downe my Throat some Gallons of Wine, to wash a­way the euill sauour of the Water, & put my selfe into good Clothes, I began to walke like an Earle, fa­ring like a King, honoured of my Friends, feared of mine Enemies, and welcome to all. The miseries I had passed, seemed to mee a Dreame; the present happinesse, a Hauen of rest; and the future hopes, a Paradise of pleasure. Aduersitie doth humble, and prosperitie puffe vp the minde. All the time that the twentie duckats lasted, if the King had called me Cousin, I had taken it for an affront. When wee Spani­ards can but get a Ryall, wee are Princes; and though wee doe want it, wee doe not want presumption. If you aske but a shake-ragge who hee is, hee will answere, that (at the least) hee is descended from the Gothes, & that his bad fortune hath [Page 56] thus deiected him; being the pro­pertie of the foolish World, to ele­uate the base, and debase the wor­thy: and yet such as he is, he would not yeeld to any, nor esteeme him­selfe lesse then the greatest; and would rather sterue, then put him­selfe to any Trade; or if hee doth, it is with such contempt & distaste, that either he will not worke at all; or if he doth, it is so ill, that hardly in all Spaine shall one finde a good workeman of a Spaniard. I remem­ber that there was a Cobler in Sala­manca; who, when one did bring him any thing to mend, would make a long discourse to himselfe, complayning of his euill fortune, that had reduced him to the neces­sitie of working in so base a Trade, being descended from such a house and from such parents; who for their worth were knowne ouer all Spaine. I asked one day a neighbor [Page 57] of his, of what Kindred that Braga­docio was. Hee told mee, that his father was a treader of Grapes in Vintage time, and a Hogge-killer In Spaine, and other Countries, to make their Wines, they put their grapes into great Tubs, into the which men goe bare legged and some­times naked to tread the grapes, for to expresse the juice. in Winter; and his mother a Tripe-washer, I meane a Tripe-wife's maid. I had bought a Sute of old peeld Veluet, and a long thredbare Cloake of Segouia Serge; I wore my Sword so long, that the Chape vnpaued the stones of the streetes, as I walked. When I came out of Prison, I would not goe see my Wife; to giue her a greater desire to see mee, and to bee reuenged of the scorne that shee had made of me. I beleeued vndoubtedly, that seeing me so well apparrelled, shee would repent her selfe, and receiue me with open armes; but obstinate shee was, and obstinate shee remai­ned. I found her in Child-bed, and newly married. When she saw me, shee cryed out as if shee had beene [Page 58] mad, Take from before me that ill watered Fish, that Face of a new-pluckt Goose; or by the blessednesse of my dead Fathers Soule, if I rise, I will scratch out his eyes. I, with a great deale of flegme, answered her, Faire and softly (good Mistris Wagtaile) if you know me not for your Husband, nor I you for my Wife, let mee haue my daughter, and as good friends as euer before, for I haue got wherewith to marry her very honourably. Me thought those twentie duckats should haue beene like little Iohn of God's fiue Twelue Blanckes make an English penny. Blanckes; who, as soone as hee had spent them, found fiue other still in his Purse: but with mee, as I was Lazarillo of the Deuill, it fell out o­therwise, as shall appeare in the next Chapter. The Arch-Priest op­posed himselfe against my demand, saying, That she was not mine; and for proofe thereof, hee shewed mee [Page 59] the Church Booke for Christnings, which compared with the Register of Marriages, it appeared, that the Girle was borne foure moneths af­ter that I first carnally knew my Wife. My man Thomas fell downe, who till then had beene on horse­backe, and I perceiued the error in the which I had liued vntill that time, beleeuing her to bee my daughter, that was not so. I shaked vpon them the dust of my shoes, & washed my hands in token of inno­cencie, & of parting for euer, & so I turned my back vnto them, with as much cōfort as if I had neuer known them. I went to seeke some of my friends, to whō I related the whole matter: they comforted me; which was a thing very easie for thē to do. I would not returne to the Office of common Cryer, for my Veluet had rooted out such petty thoghts. Go­ing toward the Gate cald de Vilagra [Page 60] as I passed through that of S. Iohn of the Kings, I met with an old ac­quaintance of mine; who, after she had saluted me, told me how that my Wife was growne more gen­tle, since she had vnderstood that I had money; particularly that, that Gabacho had as good as new dressed her from top to toe. I desired her to let me vnderstand the businesse: she did it, saying, that Master Arch-Priest and my Wife had entred one day into consultation, whether it were best to take me home again to them, & turne out that Gabacho, bringing reasons of the one side and of the other. This their con­sulting was not so secret, but that the new Husband heard of it: who dissembling, the next morning went out to work at the Oliue trees, whither his Wife & mine at noone did goe to carry him his dinner. He then bound her fast to a Tree, and [Page 61] hauing stripped her starke-naked, gaue her there aboue a hundred stripes; and not content with that, made a bundle of all her Cloathes, & pulling her Rings off her fingers, ranne away with all, leauing her bound, naked, and in a pittifull case: where (without doubt) she had died if the Arch-Priest had not sent to seeke her. She went on, saying, that she beleeued without all peraduen­ture, that if I sent but any one to entreat them, they would receiue me to them as before: for shee had heard my Eluira say, Wretched that I am, why did I not admit my good Lazaro, who was euē as good as the good Bread; not hard to please, nor scrupulous, who suffered mee to doe whatsoeuer I would? That was a touch, which turned me topsie-turuie, and made me resolue to follow the counsell of the good old Woman: Neuerthelesse, I [Page 62] thought good first to conferre of it with my friends.

CHAP. VIII. How Lazaro pleaded against his Wife.

WE men are somewhat a kin to laying Hens: for if we mind to do any good, wee presently proclaime and kackle it abroad: but if euil, we will not that any one know it, least they should disswade vs from that, from the which it were good wee should be diuerted. I went to see one of my friends, & I found three together; for since I had mony, they were multiplied as flies in the Fruit season. I told them my intention and desire, which was, to goe & liue againe with my Wife, and shun the slandering speeches of maleuolent tongues; a knowne euill being bet­ter [Page 63] then an vnknowne good. But they made the deed so haynous and odious vnto me, telling me, that I was a man without either blacke in my eyes, or braines in my head, that I would goe to dwell with a Punke, a Cockatrice, a Catamountaine, & lastly, the Deuils Hackney (for so in Toledo doe they call Priests Wen­ches.) They said such and so many things to me, and so perswaded me, that I determined neither to intreat her, nor to seeke to her. These my good friends (I would the Deuill had had thē) seeing that their coun­sell and perswasions had wrought with me, proceeded farther, saying, That they counselled me (because I was so deare vnto thē) to take away the spots, and cleanse the staines of my reputation; to sticke close to it, and not let it fall to the ground: And therefore that I should exhibit a Complaint in Law against the [Page 64] Arch-Priest and my Wife; for all should cost me neyther penny, nor farthing, they being (as they were) Officers of Iustice. The one (who was an Atturney for lost Suites) of­fered me a hundred duckats for my gettings. The other, as better ex­perimented (being a Sollicitor for Traders) told me, That if hee were in my Coat, he would not giue my gaines for two hundred. The third assured me, That (as he did well know, being, as he was, a Sergeant) hee had seene other Cases, not so plaine, and a great deale doubtful­ler then this, that had beene worth to the vndertakers an innumerable summe; although he beleeued, that vpon the first Writ the good Domi­ne Bacchalaure would fill my hands, and grease theirs, that wee might giue ouer the Suit, desiring that I would returne againe to my Wife: which would be much more hono­rable [Page 65] and profitable for mee, then if I had made meanes vnto her. They so highly commended this busi­nesse vnto mee, alluring mee with faire and great hopes, that they brought mee to what they would, not knowing how to answere their sophisticall arguments: howbeit, I know, that it was better to forgiue and humble my selfe, then to prose­cute things to the extremities, ful­filling that most difficult comman­dement of God, To loue our ene­mies. And then, my Wife did ne­uer behaue her selfe like an enemie towards me: contrariwise, by her I began to grow into credit, and to bee knowne of many, who would point at mee with their finger, say­ing, There goes patient Lazaro: by her I began to haue an Office, and Benefice. If the daughter, which the Arch-Priest said was none of mine, were so or no; God, who sear­cheth [Page 66] the reines, best knowes; and it may be, that as I may haue beene mistaken, hee likewise may haue beene deceiued. As it may happen, that some one, who reading this simplicitie of mine, will burst out into such laughter, as hee may chance to moisten the Linings of his Breeches; doth maintaine the children of some reuerend Frier; and doth labour, sweat, and moyle, to leaue them rich, that begger him of his reputation; beleeuing for cer­taine, that if there bee one honest Woman in the World, it is his. And moreouer, it may be, that the Pedigree whereof thou doest boast (gentle Reader) as deriued from Mars, is deducted from Vulcan. But leauing euery one in his good opi­nion, all these good considerations did not withstand, but that I for­med a complaint against the Arch-Priest, and against my Wife: and [Page 67] (hauing ready money) within foure and twentie houres they put them into Prison; him, into the Arch-Bishops; and her, into the common Iayle. The Lawyers did bid mee, not to regard the Money that I did lay out for that businesse, by reason that I should recouer it all againe of the Domine. So that, for to doe him more harme, and that the char­ges might be so much the greater, I gaue them whatsoeuer they did aske me. And because they smelt my Cash, as Bees doe Honey, they were so carefull and diligent to runne too and fro, not making one idle steppe, that in lesse then eight dayes the Cause was very forward, and my Purse very backward. The Euidences were produced with great facilitie, by reason that the Sergeants that had arrested them, had taken them napping; & euen as they were in their shirts, had caried [Page 68] them to Prison. The witnesses were many, and their depositions true. But my honest Atturney, Counsel­lor, and Register, perceiuing my Purse to be at an ebbe, began to grow so carelesse and lazie, that to haue made them aduance one step, they had needed more spurring thē any Hackney Iade. When the Arch-Priest and his friends vnder­stood our great neglect, they be­gan to crow vp, and grow peart, greasing the hands and feet of their Agents; being like the weights of a Clock, which doe mount propor­tionally as the others goe downe. They took such a course, that with­in a fortnight after they came out of Prison vpon Bayle; and within lesse then a weeke more, by meanes of false witnesses, they made poore Lazaro be condemned to aske par­don, pay all charges, and to bee ba­nisht for euer out of Toledo. I de­manded [Page 69] pardon, as it was most iust hee should, who with twentie crownes had vndertaken to plead against him that measured them by Pecks. I gaue all to my very shirt to helpe to pay the charges, going out with my bare skin to my ba­nishment. I saw my selfe in one instant, rich, at Law with one of the Powers of the holy Church of To­ledo (an enterprise only for a Prince) respected of my Friends, feared of mine Enemies, and in the predica­ment of a Gentleman, that would not suffer an affront; and in the same instant I found my selfe cast (not out of the Earthly Paradise, my priuat nakednesse obumbrated with Figge-leaues, but) out of the place which I most loued and estee­med; where I had receiued so much good entertainment, so many plea­sures. My Nuditie being couered with certaine Rags which I found [Page 70] vpon a Dunghill, I betooke mee to the common comfort of the distres­sed; beleeuing, that since I was at the lowest of Fortunes Wheele, necessarily (at her turning) I was a­gaine to rise. At that time I remem­bred what once I had heard my Master the Blind-man say, (who, when hee did set himselfe a preach­ing, would doe wonders) That all the men in the World did ascend & descend by the Wheele of For­tune; some following her motion, others going against it: this onely difference being betweene thē; that those that went with the streame, with the same swiftnesse that they did climbe vp, with the same they doe tumble downe: and those that goe against it, if once they attained vnto the top (though with great paines and labour) they maintained themselues there a long time. I, like the former, did run the smooth way [Page 71] of her Wheele, but with such swift­nesse, that I scarce yet was come to the top, when she threw me into the bottomelesse pit of all calamities. I saw my selfe a Beggar, euen of the most beggarly, hauing vntill then beene one of a better stampe; and might well haue said, Naked did I come into the World, and naked doe I goe out, I neyther winne nor loose. In this pickle I took my way towards Madrid, crauing the chari­table beneuolence of well disposed persons, as one that best could do it; for I was a Miller: to which Trade, I, to returne, by need was made. I made my moane to euery one: some did pittie mee, others did laugh at mee, and others did giue mee their almes; so that hauing neyther Wife nor daughter to maintain, I had of­ten meat & drink to spare. That yere such store of wine had bin gathered, that almost at euery dore I came to, [Page 72] they would aske mee if I would drinke, because they had no Bread to giue me; I neuer refused it: so that sometimes it hath beene my chance, before breake-fast, to haue gulped vp foure pottles of Wine, wherewith I was more jocund and merry then Schoole-Boyes vpon a holy-day Eue. If I may speak what I thinke, the Beggars life is the only life; all the others doe not deserue that name. If rich men had but tryed it, they would forsake their riches for it, as the ancient Philoso­phers did; who, for to enioy it, left what they possessed; I say, for to en­ioy it: for the Philosophers life and the Beggars is all one; onely they are distinguished, in that the Philo­sophers did forsake what they had for the loue of it; and the Beggars without forsaking any thing, doe finde it. They did despise their wealth, that with lesse impediments [Page 73] they might contemplate both na­turall and diuine things, with the Celestiall motions: These, that they may (vncurbed) runne through the fields of their loose appetites. They did cast their goods into the Sea; these doe bury them in their sto­mackes. They did despise them as perishable and transitorie things; these do not esteeme them, because they carry with them care and la­bour, things altogether out of their element. So that the Beggars life is quieter then that of either King, Emperour, or Pope. In it there­fore did I meane to walke, as in a way most free, lesse dangerous, and very delightfull.

CHAP. IX. How Lazaro did make himselfe a Porter.

THere is no Trade, Science, nor Art, but, to attayne to the perfection thereof, it is needfull to imploy the capacitie of the best vnderstanding in the world. You shall haue a Shooma­ker, that hath been thirtie yeeres at his Trade, if you did him make you a paire of shooes broad at the toes, high of instep, neate, and without puckering; doe you thinke hee will doe it? before he make you a paire such as you desire, hee will spoyle your foot. Aske a Philosopher, why Flyes vpon a white thing doe mute black, and contrariwise, vpon a black, white; and you will make him blush, like a Maid vpon her Marriage night, not knowing how [Page 75] to answer; or if hee doe to this, hee will not to a thousand other foole­ries. It was my chance to meete, neere to Mescas, an Arch-Rogue, Mescas, a Citie be­tweene Ma­drid and Toledo. and by his countenance perceiuing what he was, I paced towards him as to an Oracle, to enquire of him how I might gouerne my selfe in my new life, without bringing my selfe within the compasse of the Law. Hee answered me, That if I meant cleanely to come off, and without danger, his counsell was, that I should ioyne to the life of an Hypocrite; that is to say, that though I were a Rogue in professi­on, yet (not to seeme so) I should giue my selfe to some imploy­ment, as to skullerie in a Kitchin, to cry Broomes, to sweepe Chim­neyes, to scrape Trenchers, or to carry Burthens from one place to another; which would serue as a Buckler, to couer my Beggerie. [Page 76] He told me moreouer, that by rea­son that hee had not done so since these twentie yeeres that he follow­ed that Occupation, he had the day before receiued two hūdred stripes as a Rogue and Vagabond. This aduise pleased me, and I followed his counsell. As soone as I came to Madrid, I got me a Porters Cord, with the which I quartred my selfe in the midst of the Market place with more content then a starued Cat with Gibblets. And in good time, and happy houre, the first that did set me to worke, was a Maid (God forgiue me, for I lye) of some eighteene yeeres of age, that sim­pred more then a new vayled Nun; she bad me follow her, and led me through so many streetes, that I thought she had vndertaken it as a taske, or that she did it to abuse me: at length wee came to a house, which, by the Wicket thereof, great [Page 77] Court, and the Wenches that dan­ced there, I knew to be the publike Brothell. Then did shee bring me into her Cell; where she asked me, if I would be payed for my paines before wee went out: I answered her, that there was no haste, vntill wee came to the place where I was to carry my burthen, which I tooke vp, and set forward to the Gate of Guadalachara, where shee told me shee was to take Waggon, to goe to the Faire of Nagera. The Fardle A Citie in Spaine. was light, most part thereof being nothing but little Sawcers, Bottles with Painting, and Waters. As wee went, I vnderstood how shee had beene eight yeeres of that Trade. The first that did set mee abroach (said shee) was the Father Rector of the Iesuits of Seuil, where A Citie in Spaine. I was borne; who did it with so great deuotion, that from that day to this, I haue beene very deuout. [Page 78] Hee recommended mee to one of the holy Women, deuoted to their Those wo­men are called Bea­tae. Order, with whom I remained a­boue six moneths, well prouided of all things necessarie. I was drawne thence by a Captaine, and so haue roued vp and down from one place to another, & am where thou seest. And would to God I had neuer departed out of the protection of that good Father, who entertained me as his Daughter, and loued me as his Sister. Finally, I haue beene constrained to follow an Occupa­tion, to get my liuing. With this discourse we came to the waggon, which was ready to set forth. I dis­charged my Burden into it, & pray­ing her to pay me for my labor, the Rag-taile answered, That I wil very willingly; and with that, lifting vp her hand, she gaue me such a Boxe on the eare, that shee felled me to the ground, saying, Art thou such [Page 79] an Asse, as to aske Money of one of my Profession? Did I not bid thee, before thou camest out of the house of Fellowship, to pay thy selfe, if thou wouldst, vpon me? With that (as nimbly as a Grasse-hopper) shee leaped into the Waggon, and away she went, and left me fretted at the heart, and as blancke as a Bell-foun­der, not knowing what ayled me; only I considered with my self, that if the progresse of my new Trade did follow the beginning, I should thriue fairly at the yeres end. Vpon my departure thence, there came a­nother Waggon from Alcala de He­nares; A Citie in Spaine. out of the which, the passen­gers (who were all Whores, Schol­lers, and Fryers) being alighted, one of the Order of S. Francis asked me, if I would doe him that charitie, as to carry his Trusse to his Couent, I answered him with cheerfulnes, that I would, for I perswaded my selfe, [Page 80] that hee would not couzen me, as that Drab had done: therefore I tooke it vp, and it was so heauie, that I could scarce carry it; yet for the hope of my good pay, I stray­ned my selfe. Being come to the Cloyster very weary, because it was farre, the Frier tooke his Packe, and saying, For Gods sake bee it done, went in, and shut the doore after him. I waited there vntill he should come to pay me; but seeing that he did tarry long, I knocked at the Gate. The Porter came forth, and asked me what I would haue; I told him, My payment for the burthen which I had brought. He answered mee, That I should goe in Gods name, for they neuer payed any thing, and so locked the doore, charging me to knock no more, by reason it was a time of silence; for if I did, hee would giue mee a hun­dred lacings with his knotty girdle. [Page 81] My courage was cooled. A poore man that stood at the Gate said to me; Brother, you may well goe your way, for these Fathers doe handle no money, for they liue al­together vpon other mens dishes. Let them liue vpon what they can (said I) they shall pay mee for my paines, or I will be no longer Laza­rillo; and thereupon I fell a knock­ing with great anger. The Lay Brother came forth with greater, and without any farther comple­ment gaue me such a push, that hee threw me backward to the ground as if I had been a mellow Peare; and kneeling vpon me, he gaue me halfe a dozen such punches with his knee, and as many flamms with his girdle, that he left mee all brui­sed, as if the Clock-Tower of Sara­gosa A Citie in Spaine. had fallen vpon mee. I lay there stretched aboue halfe an houre, not being able to arise; I [Page 82] considered my euill fortune, and the strength of that irregular Frier so ill imployed, which had been fit­ter to serue the King our Lord and Master, then to deuoure the almes ordained for the poore; though in­deed they bee scarce good for any employment, being idle and lazie-packs, as the Emperour Charles the fifth gaue well to vnderstand: for when the Generall of S. Francis his Order, offered two and twentie thousand Friers to assist him in his warrs, none aboue forty, nor vnder two & twenty; the inuincible Em­perour answered, That he would not haue them, by reason that hee should haue needed euery day two and twenty thousand flesh-pots: in­timating thereby, that they are fit­ter by farre for the Kitchin, then for any labour or seruice. God forgiue me, for since that day I haue so ab­horred those Lay-clergie-men, that [Page 83] me thought when I saw them, I did see Droanes of a Bee-hiue, or spun­ges of the fat of the porridge-pot. I was minded to giue ouer my office, but I expected the reuolutiō of the 24 houres, Those that dye in Spaine of sudden death, are kept 24 houres be­fore they be buried. as the custome is for those that die of sudden death.

CHAP. X. How Lazaro met with an old Baud, and what hapned vnto him.

WEake and dead for hunger, I went little by little vp the street, & passing through the Barly-place, I met with an old mumbler, that had more tusks then a wilde Boare, who came to me, and asked me, if I would carry a trunke for her to a friend of hers not farre from thence, & she would giue me foure Foure quar­tos make a Royall, which is six pence. quartos. I had no sooner heard her, but I gaue God thankes, that frō so filthy a mouth as hers should proceede so sweete a speech as [Page 84] that, She would giue mee foure Quartos. I told her, Yes, with a ve­ry good will; though that very good will was more to finger the fower Quartos, then to carry the burden, hauing at that time more need to be carried my selfe, then to carry. I tooke vp the Trunke with much adoe, by reason it was great and heauy: the good woman bad me carry it faire and softly, because that within it were bottles of Wa­ters, which she esteemd very much. I answered her, that she should not need to feare that, I would go soft­ly enough; for though I would haue done otherwise, it had been impossible for me, being so hungry that hardly I could put one foote before another. We came at length to the house where wee did carry the Trunke, the which they verie gladlie receiued, especially a young Gentlewoman, plumpe and round [Page 85] faced (would all the cattell of my bed were such, my belly being full) who with a chearefull countenance said, that she would keepe it in her Closet. I carried it thither, and the old Woman gaue her the Key of it, desiring her to keepe it vntill she returned from Segouia, where shee A Citie in Spaine. was going to visite a Kinswoman of hers, hoping to come backe a­gaine within fower dayes. Then embracing her, shee tooke leaue of her, whispering her in the eare I know not what, which made the Damsell blush like a rose; (and al­though I then did like her very well, I should haue liked her farre better, had the vacuity of my guts been stuffed with good prouender) she tooke likewise leaue of all those of the house, desiring the Father and Mother of the Mayde to ex­cuse her boldnes and importunity; who told her, that their house was [Page 86] at her command. Shee gaue mee fower Quartos; bidding mee in mine eare the next morning verie early to come to her house, and she would make mee earne as much more. I departed more iocund then a Shroue-tuesday, or a Mid­sommers Eue. I supped with three of them, keeping one to pay for my lodging. I then fell to consider the power and vertue of money; for at the instant that the old woman had giuen mee those few Quartos, I found my selfe lighter then the wind, more valiant then Hector, & stronger then Hercules. O Money, it is not without reason that most men doe hold thee for their God! thou art the cause of all good, and the procurer also of all euill. Thou art the inuenter of all Arts, and the maintainer of them in their per­fection. For thee are Sciences had in estimation, and with thee are o­pinions [Page 87] defended. By thee cities are sortified, and againe by thee their strong towers are made leuell with the ground. By thee are kingdoms established, and by thee in the same instant ouerthrowne. Thou art the vpholder of vertue, and againe the destroyer thereof. By thee Ladies do maintaine themselues chaste, & by thee many that are so, become others. Lastly, there is nothing in the world, be it neuer so hard, but to thee is easie; nothing so hidden, but thou canst penetrate; no hill so lofty, but thou canst pull downe; no dale so low, but thou canst eleuate. The next morning I went to the old Womans house, according as shee had appointed mee, who bad mee goe with her to fetch againe the Trunke which I had carried the day before. Beeing come to the house, shee told the Master and Mistris, that she came [Page 88] for her Trunke, by reason that vpon the way to Segouia (about a mile from Madrid) shee had met with her Kinswoman, who came with the same intention (that shee went) to see her, and that therefore shee did need it instantly, to haue out some cleane linnen that was in it, to giue her entertainement. The Mayde of a new stampe returned her the Key, kissing and embracing her with more affection then at the first time; and after shee had whis­pered her againe in the eare, they helped vp with the Trunke, which seemed vnto me farre lighter then the day before, because my bel­lie was better prouided. Com­ming downe the staires, it was my chance to meete with I know not what stumbling block, which I thinke the Deuill of purpose had layde in my way, that made mee stumble and tumbled downe [Page 89] Trunke and all to the bottome of the stayres, where stood the Father and the Mother of the simple and kind-hearted Wench. I broke my Nose and short Ribs with the fall, and the damned Trunke, with the Knocks and Ioults flew open. In it there appeared a young Gallant, without his Cloake, his Rapier and Dagger at his side, in a greene Sat­tin Sute, with a feather of the same colour, a paire of Carnation Gar­ters & Roses, Crimson Silke Stoc­kings, and white open Shooes: who rising vp very mannerly, & making a low reuerence, straight went out of doores. They were so amazed with that suddain Vision, that they looked one vpon another like so many Matachines or Antickes. But when they were come to them­selues, they called in all haste two sonnes that they had, & with great storming, declared the matter vnto [Page 90] them: Who presently taking their Swords, and crying, Kill, Kill, went out to seeke the young Mad-cap. But hee had posted away in such haste, that it was impossible for them to ouertake him. The Father and Mother (who all this while had remained below stayres) shutting the doores fast, went vp, thinking to reuenge themselues vpon the Baud: but shee that had heard the noyse, and knowne the cause there­of, had alreadie with her Scholler in the O. Q. P. taken the ayre at a backe-doore. When they found themselues gulld, and preuented, they came down and let flye at me, I being so sore, and bruised, that I could not stirre; for otherwise I had waited vpon him, for whose sake I was so ill handled. The two bro­thers returned sweating, and out of breath, swearing and vowing, That since they had not ouertakē the vil­laine, [Page 91] they would kil their sister and the Baud. But when they were told, that they had made an escape at the Back-side, then they fell a blasphe­ming, cursing, & swearing. The one said, Why do I not meet now with the Deuill himselfe, with an infer­nall Crue, that I might make ha­uock of them as of so many Flyes? Come Deuill, Come. But now that I call thee, it is certaine, that where­soeuer thou art, thou doest feare my anger, & darest not appeare before me. O had I but seen that Coward, with my very breath I had carryed him so far, as no body should euer haue heard any newes of him. The other went on, saying, Had I but o­uertaken him, I would not haue left one piece of him so big as his eare: but if he be in the world, nay, thogh he be not, he shall not escape out of my hands; for I would plough him vp, were he bid in the Centre of the Earth.

These and such like brags & threat­nings did they thunder out, whilest poore Lazaro was expecting that all the storme should light vpon him; but yet I stood in more feare of ten or twelue Boyes that were there then of those Braggadillos. In the end, both great and small in a cluster fell vpon my Iacket; the one kicked me, the other thumped me; some pulled me by the haires, others boxed me about the eares. My feare was not vaine: for the Boyes thrusted great Pinnes into my Buttocks vp to the head, which made me skreeke vnto the heauens; the slaues did so pinch me, that they made me at noone-day see a thou­sand Starres. Some said, let vs kill him; others, It is better to throw him in the Priuy. The hammering of mee was such, that they seemed Thrashers in a Barne, or Hammers of a Fulling-Mill, by reason of the [Page 93] perpetuall motion. At length fee­ing mee breathlesse, they desisted from beating, but not from threat­ning me. The Father as most ripe, or most rotten, commanded them to let me alone; and that if I would tell them truly who was the robber of their honour, they should not do me any more harme: but I could not satisfie their desire, because I knew not who he was, hauing neuer seene him before hee came out of the Trunke. Seeing that I answered them nothing, they began anew to torment me. There was the way­ling, there the weeping for my mis­hap; there was the sighing, there was the cursing of my crosse for­tune. But when I perceiued, that continually they found new wayes to persecute me, I prayed them as well as I could to forbeare me, and that I would tell them all the busi­nesse. They did so; and I told [Page 94] them without any omission, what had passed; but they would giue no credit to the truth. Feeling the storme to continue, I determined to couzen them, if it were possible, and therefore I promised to in­forme them, who the Malefactor was; whereupon they left thrashing of mee, promising mee wonders. They asked me his name, & where hee liued. I answered, that I knew it not; and lesse, that of the Street wherein he dwelt: but that, if they would carry me (for it was impos­sible for me to goe, they had so mis­used me) I would shew them his house. That pleased them well, and therefore they gaue mee a little Wine, with the which I came a­gaine to my selfe: then (being well armed) two of them tooke mee vn­der the armes, like a French Lady, and led me through Medrid. Some that did see mee, said, They carry [Page 95] that man to Prison; others, to the Hospitall: but none did hit the marke. I went amazed, and asto­nisht, not knowing eyther what to say, or what to doe; for I durst not cry out for helpe, least they should complaine of me to the Iustices, whom I feared more then death it selfe: and to runne away, was im­possible, not onely by reason of my former ill vsage, but also for being betweene the Father, Sonnes, and Kinsfolkes, who for that purpose had joyned themselues, eight or nine together, armed at all points, like so many S. Georges. We cros­sed many Streets, and went through many Lanes, not knowing where I was, or whither I did leade them. At length wee came to the Sunne-Gate, and downe a Street right ouer-against it, I perceiued a Gallant that came tripping it vp­on the toes, his Cloake jerked [Page 96] vnder one arme, a peece of a Gloue in one hand, and a Gillyflower in the other, his arme keeping time with his foot, so that one would haue taken him for the cousin ger­mane of the Duke of Infantado: hee made a thousand seuerall faces and odde countenances. I knew him at the instant to be the Squire my Master, who had stollen away my Cloathes at Murcia: and with­out doubt, some Saint or other (for I had not left one vnprayed to in all the Letanie) had brought him thither for my redemption. As I saw the occasion offer it selfe so faire, I caught hold of it by the fore-top, and with one stone I de­termined to kill two Birds, that is, to be reuenged of that bragging Cheater, and to free my selfe from those hangmen. Which to bring to passe, I said vnto them, Gentle­men, looke about you, for yonder [Page 97] commeth the Gallant, that hath robbed you of your honour, who hath onely changed his Apparrell. They blinded with rage and anger, without any farther discourse, as­ked mee which was hee. I pointed him out vnto them: Whereupon they rushed vpon him, and taking him by the Collar, threw him to the ground, where they kicked and cuffed him out of all measure. One of the young striplings, Brother to the Gentlewoman, would haue run him through with his Sword, but that his Father hindered him; and calling Officers to their helpe, they bound him hand and foot. When I perceiued the Cards to bee thus shuffled, and that they were all bu­sie, as well as I could, I began to shew them a faire paire of heeles, and went and hid my selfe. My ho­nest Squire (who knew me) thinking they were some of my acquain­tance, [Page 98] that demanded my Appar­rell, did cry out vnto them, Let me alone, Let me alone, and I will pay for two Sutes. But they stopped his mouth with good blowes with their fists; and all bloudie, bruised, and broken-headed, carryed him to Prison: And I tooke my leaue of Madrid, cursing both the Occupa­tion, and the first inuentor of it.

CHAP. XI. How Lazaro parted from Madrid, to goe into his owne Countrey: and what hapned vnto him vpon the way.

I Was minded to put my selfe on my way, but I found my strength farre vnequall to my courage; for which cause, I remai­ned yet some dayes in Madrid: which I passed well ynough, by reason, that helping my selfe with [Page 99] Crutches (without which I was not able to goe) I went begging from doore to doore, and from Couent to Couent, till I found my selfe strong ynough, and able to trauell. I made the more haste, for a thing that I heard related by a Beggar, who, with others, was lowsing him­selfe in the Sunne. It was the histo­rie of the Trunke, as already I haue told it: adding, that the man whom they had imprisoned, thinking it had beene hee of the Trunke, had prooued the contrary; for at the very instant that the businesse hap­ned, he was at his Lodging, and no body thereabouts had seen him with other apparrell, then that wherwith they had taken him: but that not­withstanding, he had bin exposed to the publike shame of a Vagabond, and banished Madrid. He told also, how the Gentlewomans friends did seeke for a Porter, that had dressed [Page 100] that Messe of Knauerie, swearing to make a Syue of his skinne with their Rapiers, if euer they met him. I opened my eyes, to preuent this accident, clapping a patch vpon one of them, and shauing my beard like a Monke; for I assured my selfe, that in this disguise, the Mother that bare mee, could not haue knowne mee. I departed from Ma­drid, with intention to goe to Teia­res, to trie if (being new moulded) Fortune would mistake me. I pas­sed by the Escurial, a Building which doth speake the greatnesse of the Monarch that did erect it, (for it was not yet altogether fini­shed) and is such, that it may be rec­koned among the Meruailes of the World; though it cannot be said, that the pleasant situation hath bin a motiue to build it there, the ground being very barren & hilly: but well, the temperatenesse of the [Page 101] ayre; which in Summer is such, that remoouing onely to the shade, the Heat is not troublesome, nor the Cold offensiue, but exceeding wholesome. Within lesse then two miles from thence, I met with a companie of Gipseyes, lodged in an old decayed house: who, as soone as they perceiued me a farre off, thought I was some one of their Troupe, for my attire did promise no lesse: but comming neerer, they saw their error, and were somewhat daunted with my presence, because (as farre as I could perceiue) they held a Consultation, or were deba­ting an Election. They told mee, that that was not the right way to Salamanca, but to Valledolid. See­ing my businesse did not constraine me to goe rather to one place then to another; I told them, that since it was so, I would see that Citie, before I went into my Countrey. [Page 102] One of the ancientest asked mee, whence I was? And vnderstanding that I was of Teiares, he inuited me to Dinner for neighborhoods sake, for he was of Salamanca. I accepted his offer; and afterwards they desi­red me to relate vnto them my life, and aduentures. I did it, without any farther entreatie, as briefely as things of such moment could per­mit. When I came to speake of the Tub, and what had hapned vnto me in an Inne at Madrid, I made them laugh extreamely, especially two Gipseyes, a Man and a Woman, who could scarce stand for laugh­ing. I began to be ashamed, and to blush, when the old Gipsey, my Countreyman, who had taken no­tice thereof, said vnto mee; Bee not out of countenance, Brother: for these Gentles do not laugh at your life; being such, as it rather deser­ueth admiration then laughter: of [Page 103] which, since you haue giuen vs so full an account, it is reasonable, that wee pay you in the same Coyne. Wherefore, resting vpon your pru­dence, as you haue done vpon ours, if the companie will giue me leaue, I will tell you the occasion of their laughter. Euery one answered, that he was well content; for they knew, that his great discretion & experi­ence would not suffer him to go be­yond the limits of reason. Know then (said he) that those two whom you see yōder, almost out of breath with laughing, are the Priest & the Damsell, that leaped naked out at the Window, when the inundati­on of your Tub had like to haue drowned them; who (if they please) will tell you how and by what meanes they haue attayned to this state of life. The Gipsey offered her selfe very willingly, and crauing the beneuolence of the [Page 104] worthie Auditorie, with a loud, but gentle and graue voyce, shee thus began her owne story. The day that I came out, or (to say better) that I leaped out of my Fathers house, they carryed me to Prison, and put me in a Chamber, rather darke then cleane, and farre more stinking then handsome. As for the worshipfull Master Vruez, who is here present, and may disprooue me if I speake vntruth, they clapped him vp in the Dungeon, till he told them that he was a Priest: wherefore they pre­sently sent him to the vnder Bishop; who very sharply reprehended him for hauing been so faint-hearted, as for a little Water to haue leaped out at a Window before all the World, and giuen such a scandall: But with promise that hee made him, to be more warie and circum­spect another time, and to doe his businesse in such sort, as the ground [Page 105] it selfe should not be priuie to his ingresse and egresse; he let him goe, enioyning him for penance, That for three dayes hee should not sing Masse. I remained in the custodie of the chiefe Keeper or Captaine of the Prison; who being youthfull and lustie, and I young and not vn­handsome, did whatsoeuer he could to please me. The Prison to mee was a Palace, and Garden of de­lights. My Father and my Mother, though greatly displeased with my loosenesse, did what they could to set me loose, but all in vaine; for the Captaine did worke all possible meanes to detaine mee still in his keeping. In the meane time, Master Licentiat, here present, went round about the Prison, like a setting Dogge, to see if hee could speake with me: which at length hee did, by the meanes of a Baud, the best of her Profession; who dressed him in [Page 106] the attyre of one of her Maids, with a Petticoat and Wastcoat, and a Muffler before his Beard, as if hee had had the Mumpes: at this en­terview was the plot layd for my escape. The night following, there was great feasting and reuelling at the Earle of Miranda's house, and in the end, the Gipseyes were to dance; with whom Canil (for so is the reuerend Vruez now called) consorted himselfe, to haue their helpe in his pretences: which they so well executed (thanks to his wit and industrie) that we enioy both our desired libertie, and his com­panie, that is the best in the world. The after-noone before the Feast, the Captaine kept more fidling a­bout me, then a Cat about a Tripe-Wife; and made me more prote­stations and promises, then a pas­senger in a Storme at Sea: all which (as bound thereunto) I en­countred [Page 107] againe with the like. He desired me to aske him whatsoeuer I would, and hee would graunt it me, so it were not to be depriued of my presence. I thanked him very much, telling him, that to want his, would be to me the grea­test mischance that euer could hap­pen vnto me. Perceiuing I had hit the marke, I entreated him to carry me that night (since well he might) to the Earles house, to see the Dan­cing. This thing seemed very hard vnto him; neuerthelesse, not to goe backe from his word, and because the little blinde Archer had woun­ded him with one of his Arrowes, hee did promise it me. Now was the High Sheriffe in loue with me, and had giuen charge to all the Guards, and to the Captaine himselfe, to giue me good enter­tainment, and to haue a care that no body should carry me forth. [Page 108] To conuey mee therefore more closely to the Reuels, hee attyred mee like a Page: my Doublet and Hose were of greene Damaske, layd with Gold Lace; the Cloake of Veluet, of the same colour, lined through with yellow Sattin; a Bon­net with a Herons-top and feather, and a Diamond Hat-band; a Ruffe with seaming Lace, and Peakes; Straw-colour Stockins; great Gar­ters and Roses, sutable to my Ap­parrell; a paire of White Pinckt Shooes; with a gilded Rapier and Dagger, according to the fashion. Wee came to the Banquetting-Roome, and found there a great number of Ladies and Gentlemen; the Gentlemen jouial, and in good equipage; the Ladies gallant, and beautifull: and also many muffled vp in their Cloakes, and Women with Veyles. Canil was dressed like a Roarer; and seeing mee, came [Page 109] straightwayes on the other side of me; so that I was betweene him and the Captaine. The Reuelling began; where I saw things, which because they belong not to what I intend to speake of, I will omit. But at length, the Gipseyes came to dance, and shew tricks: whereup­on two of them grew to words, and so from one thing to another, the one gaue the other the Lye; who answered him with a slash with his Sword ouer the head, that made him bleed like an Oxe. The com­panie, that till then had thought they had beene in jest, began to be amazed, and to cry out, Help, help. Some Officers and Sergeants, that were there, began to bestirre them­selues. Euery one put his hand to his Sword, and I drew mine; but when I saw it naked in my hand, I fell a quiuering for very feare of it. They layed hold on the offender, [Page 110] and there wanted not some, who (being there set for the purpose) said, That the Captaine of the Pri­son was there, to whose charge they might deliuer him. The High Sheriffe called him out, to giue him charge of the Murtherer. He would willingly haue carryed me along with him: but fearing least I should be knowne, hee bad me with-draw my selfe into a corner which hee shewed me, and not to stirre from thence, vntill hee retur­ned. When I saw the Crab-lowse had let goe his hold, I tooke my Domine Canil (who was still at my elbow) by the hand, and in two strides wee got out into the street, where we found one of these Gen­tlemen, who brought vs to their Rendez-vous. When the wounded man (whom alreadie euery one thought to be dead) imagined in himselfe that we were escaped, hee [Page 111] rose vp and said, Gentlemen, the jest shall end here, for I am in good health; and what hath beene done, hath beene onely to make sport to the companie. And with that, hee pulled off the Cap hee had on, vn­der the which (vpon an Iron Skull) was an Oxes Bladder full of bloud for that purpose; which, with the blow that the other had giuen him, had beene broken, & so spilt. Euery one fell a laughing at the jeast, ex­cept the Captaine, who found it to be a troublesome one: for com­ming to the place appointed, & not finding me there, he began to seeke vp and downe the roome, till that asking an old Gipsey woman, if she had not seene a Page with such and such tokēs, she (that knew the whole drift) told him, Yea, and that she had heard him say as hee went out, holding a man by the hand, Let vs goe retire our selues to S. Phillips. [Page 112] Hee went thither in all haste, for to seeke me, but to little purpose; for hee went towards the East, and we fled towards the West. Before we left Madrid, I had changed my Cloathes for others, and had two hundred Ryals to boote: I sold the Hat-band for foure hundred Crownes, whereof I gaue two hun­dred to these Gentlemen, for our entrance into their companie; for so had Canil couenanted with thē. This is the whole discourse of my libertie: If Master Lazaro doth desire any thing else, let him com­mand, and hee shall be serued, ac­cording as his worthie and jouiall presence doth deserue. I thanked her for her courtesie; and with as much as I was able, I tooke my leaue of them all. The good old man brought mee a mile on my way: and as we went, I asked him, If all those that were there, were [Page 113] Gipseyes, borne in Egypt. He an­swered me, The Deuill a one there was in all Spaine; but that they were all Priests, Friers, Nunnes, or Theeues that had broke out of Prison, or out of their Cloysters: but yet, that among them all, those that came from Monasteries, were the greatest and most notorious Villaines, changing a contempla­tiue life into an actiue. Hee retur­ned to his companie, & I on horse­backe vpon S. Francis his Mule, fol­lowed my way to Valledolid.

CHAP. XII. What hapned to Lazaro in a Tauerne two miles off from Valledolid.

ALl the way long did I no­thing but thinke vpon my good Gipseyes, their life, customes, and behauiour. I won­dred much, how the Magistrates [Page 114] would suffer publike Theeues to goe so freely and openly; all the World knowing, that to filch and steale, is their onely Imployment and Occupation. They are the Re­fuge and Receptacle of all Rogues; the Sanctuarie for Apostataes; and the Schoole of all mischiefe. But chiefely I did maruell, that Friers should forsake their sweet & quiet life, for the miserable and toilesome life of a Gipsey. Neither had I be­leeued to be true, what the old Gipsey told me; had he not showne me, halfe a mile from the place where they were lodged, behinde the Wall of a Close, a Man and Woman Gipsey: hee frolicke and lustie, shee plumpe and comely; hee not parched with the Sunne, shee not blasted with the vnkindnesse of the Weather: The one sung a Verse of the Psalmes of Dauid; the other answered with another. The [Page 115] good old man assured me, that they were a Frier and a Nunne; who, not aboue eight dayes before, were come to their Congregation, with a desire to make profession of a most austere life. I followed my way, vntill I came to a Tauerne two miles off from Valledolid; at the doore whereof, I found sitting the old Woman of Madrid, and the young Gentlewoman, of whom I haue spoken. There came out a young Gallant, to bid them come in to Dinner. They could not know me, I was so disguised, with my Patch still vpon my Eye, and my Cloathes right Beggars Cut; but I knew my selfe to be that Lazaro that was come out of the Graue, that had been so costly vnto mee. I went in after them, & stood before them, to see if they would giue me somewhat: but it had beene a hard matter for them so to doe, hauing [Page 116] not enough for themselues: for the worthy Gentleman, that had play­ed the Steward, had beene so libe­rall, that for himselfe, his Sweet­heart, and the old Baud, hee had caused to be made readie a little Hogs Liuer, with a sawce to whet their appetite; all which, I could easily haue gobled vp, in lesse then two Morsels. The Bread was as blacke as the Table-Cloth, which seemed like the Cassocke of some Penitent, or the Maulkin where­with The ghost­ly Fathers enioyne to some for a penance, to weare black Buckeram Cassocks, with a Wax Candle in their hands, to accom­panie others that doe whip them­selues. an Ouen is made cleane. Eat, my Loue (said the Gentleman) for this is a diet for a Prince. The Baud fell too roundly, and said not one word for feare of losing time, because shee saw that shee was not to goe often to the Dish; which they began to licke, and rubbe so hard, that (it being of Earth) they scraped away all the Varnish. Their pitifull and short Meale being en­ded, [Page 117] (which had rather prouoked, then in any manner asswaged their hunger) the gentle Louer made his excuse, saying, That the Tauerne was vnprouided. I seeing, that there was nothing there for me, as­ked the Hoste, If he had any thing to eate? who answered me, Accor­ding to the pay; and would haue giuen mee a little Hogs-Haslet: but I asked him, if he had nothing else? hee offered me a Quarter of Kidde, that the amorous Gallant had refused, because it was too deare. I thought to come ouer them with a Brauado, and so I bad him giue it me. I went and sate downe with it at the lower end of the Table; where, it was a sport to see how they looked vpon me. E­uery bit that I put into my mouth, did draw six eyes after it; for those of the Louer, of the Gentlewoman, and of the Baud, were nayled to [Page 118] what I did eate. How comes it to passe (said the Damsell) that yon­der Beggar doth eate a Quarter of Kidde, and wee three haue had no­thing but a poore piece of fryed Liuer? The Gallant answered, That hee had asked the Hoste for Partridges, Capons, or Hennes, and that hee had told him, that hee had nothing else to giue him. I, that knew how the matter went (and that for feare of spending, or for not hauing wherewithall, hee had dieted them) did notwithstanding hold my peace, and ply my Victu­als. I thinke in my conscience, that that Kiddes meate was a Load­stone; for when I least tooke heed, I found them all three round about my Dish. The shamelesse and bra­zen-faced Wench tooke a piece, and said, Brother by your leaue; but before she had it, it was alreadie in her mouth. The old Mumbler re­plyed, [Page 119] Do not take away the poore Wretch his meat from him. I will not take it away (answered she) for I doe meane to pay him very well for it; and in saying so, shee fell to it with such haste and greedinesse, that it seemed shee had not eaten in sixe dayes before. The good Matron tooke a bit, to know how it tasted. What (sayth my Gal­lant) doe you like it so well? and therewith pops me a piece in his mouth as bigge as his fist. But I perceiuing them to grow some­what too bold, tooke all that was in the Dish, and made but one mouthfull of it; which was so great, that I could neither get it backward nor forward. Beeing in this per­plexitie, there came to the Tauerne gate two horsmē, armed with coats of Mayle, Headpieces, & Bucklers, ech of thē carying a Petronel at his side, & another at their Saddle-bow: [Page 120] who alighting, gaue their Mules to a Foot-man, and asked the Hoste if hee had any thing to eate? hee an­swered them, That hee had where­with to giue them good entertain­ment; and therefore, if it pleased their Worships, they might walke into the Hall, whilest Meat was a making ready. The old Woman, who hearing the noyse, was gone out to the doore, and came straight in againe, with her two hands vpon her face, bending and bowing her body a thousand times like a new hooded Monke, speaking as out of a Trunke, and wresting and wring­ling now one side, then the other, as if shee had beene in Child-birth, as low and as well as shee could, shee said, Wee are all vndone, for the Brothers of Clara (for so was the Gentlewoman called) are at the Gate. The young Wench hearing this, began to take on, and to pull [Page 121] her selfe by the haires, & to thumpe and mis-use her selfe, as if shee had beene out of her wits. But the young Gallant, that was stout and couragious, comforted her, and bad her be of good cheare; and that where hee was, shee needed not to feare any thing. I (who all this while had still the great piece of Kidde in my mouth) when I vnderstood that those Swash-buck­lers were there, was like to haue died for feare; and had died in­deed, had it not beene that my Throat being stopped with the Meat, my Soule could find no pas­sage to get out, and therefore was constrained to returne againe into her place. The two roaring Boyes came in; and as soone as they per­ceiued their sister, and the old Hagge, they cryed out, Here they be, Now wee haue them, Kill, kill them. At this vproare, I was so [Page 122] affrighted, that I fell to the ground; and with the fall, I cast out the Kidde that did choake me. The two Women put themselues be­hinde the Gentleman, as Chickens doe vnder the Hennes wings, when they runne away from a Kite. Hee with a braue spirit drew out his Ra­pier, and went towards them with such furie, that for very feare they stood still like two Statues, their wordes beeing frozen in their mouths, and their Swords in their Scabberds. Hee asked them what they would, or what they sought? and with that comming to the one, he pulled out his Sword, holding the point thereof at his eyes, and of his owne at the eyes of the other; so that at the least motion of the Swords, they quaked and trembled like Leaues vpon a Tree. The old Woman and the Sister seeing the two Brauachios so heartlesse, came [Page 123] to them, and disarmed them. The Host came in at the noyse that wee made (for I was already got vp, and had one of them by the Beard) not vnlike to the counterfeit Bulls of my Countrey, which childrē at first sight doe flye from; but growing bolder by little and little, and per­ceiuing that they are not wilde, nor what they seeme to be, do come so neere thē, that (hauing lost all feare) they cast & hang vpon them a thou­sand Dish-clothes. So I seeing that those scar-Crowes were not what they appeared to be, tooke heart at grasse, & set vpon thē with as much boldnesse as my former feare could affoord me. What is the matter here, said the Host? What stirre is this in my house? The Women, the Gentleman, and I began to cry out, They are Theeues, that come fol­lowing vs, for to rob vs. The Host that saw thē without their weapons, [Page 124] and vs with the victorie, sayd, What? Theeues in my house? And thereupon layd hands vpon them, and with our helpe, did put them into a Vault vnder ground, notwithstanding any thing they could alledge to the contrarie. Their man, who by this time had giuen meate to their Mules, com­ming in, & asking for his Masters, was by the Host sent to keepe them companie. Then did he take their Cloake-bagges, Mayles, and other furniture, and locked them vp; di­uiding their Weapons betweene vs, as if they had beene his owne. Hee asked nothing of vs for his Meate, that wee might be Witnes­ses in the Information which hee had made against them; vpon the which, as an Officer of the Inquisi­tion (which hee said hee was) and as Iustice of that place, he condem­ned them all three to the Galleyes [Page 125] for euer, and each of them to two hundred stripes round about the Tauerne. They appealed vnto the Chancerie of Valledolid; whither the good Host, and three of his seruants did carry them. But when the vnfortunate Wretches thought they had beene before the secular Iudges, they found themselues be­fore the Inquisitors: for the subtile and malicious Tauerner had put within the Informations certaine speeches that they had said against the Ministers of the holy Inquisiti­on; an irremissible offence. They put them in darke Dungeons; from whence (as they thought to haue done) they could not write to their Father, nor come to the speech of any that might helpe them. And there wee will leaue them in good hold, to returne to our Host, whom wee met on the way: who told vs, That the Lords of the Inquisition [Page 126] had giuen him charge to bring be­fore them the Witnesses, that had giuen euidence in the cause; but that notwithstanding (as our friend) hee did aduise vs to absent our selues. The Gentlewoman gaue him a Ring that shee had vpon her finger; desiring him so to worke, as we might not appeare before them: hee did promise it. Now had the Rascall said this, onely to make vs be gone; for feare that (if wee had beene heard) his Villanie (which was not the first) should haue been discouered. About a fortnight af­ter, there was a generall Execution at Valledolid; where, among other prisoners, I saw the three poore Di­uels come forth with Gags in their mouthes, as Blasphemers, that had beene so presumptuous, as to touch with their tongue the Ministers of the holy Inquisition; men euen as holy and perfect, as the Iustice they [Page 127] doe administrate. They wore each of them a penitent Garment, called a Sanbenito, and a Paper Miter vp­on their heads; whereon were writ­ten their offences, and the punish­ment to be inflicted vpon them for the same. It grieued me to see the poore Foot-man pay what hee did not owe: as for the two other, I had not so much pitty of them, for the little they had had of me. They confirmed the Sentence of the Host, adding moreouer and aboue to euery one of them three hundred stripes: so that they gaue them fiue hundred apeece, & sent them to the Gallies, where their brags & braua­does had leysure to take breath and coole themselues. For my part, I did seek my fortune, & many times Magdelaine Field, is a place to walke in at Valledolid, as Moore-Fields in London. in * Magdelaine Field did I meete the two Women, who neuer yet knew me, nor thought that I had knowne thē. A while after I saw the [Page 128] young Gentlewoman, who had ta­ken vp a Lodging, where shee lay backwards, and did let her fore-roomes, to get wherewith to main­taine her selfe and her Gallant. As for the old Woman, she fell againe to her old Trade in that Citie.

CHAP. XIII. How Lazaro was Gentleman Vsher to seuen seuerall Women at one time.

I Came to Valledolid with six Ry­als in my Purse; by reason that euery one seeing mee so leane and so pale, did giue me their Cha­rities very freely, and I was not slacke in receiuing. I went direct­ly to the Brokers; where, for foure A Quar­tillo is three halfe pence. Ryals and a Quartillo I bought me a long Frize Cloake, that had been some Portugals, euen as thredbare as tattered and vnsowne; where­with, [Page 129] and a high Steeple-crownd Hat, with broad brims, like a Fran­ciscan Fryer, that I bought for halfe a Ryall, and with a Staffe in my hand, I walked the streetes. All that saw me, did laugh at me, and euery one gaue me their Squib. One called mee Tauerne-Philoso­pher: another, Behold where Saint Peter goeth, apparrelled as on a ho­ly-day Eue. Some would say, Gen­tleman of Portugall, will you haue any Grease to anoint your Bootes. Others there were, who affirmed, that I seemed to bee the Ghost of some Hospitall Physician. But I with Merchants eares, heard all, sayd nothing, and still passed on. I had not gone through many Streetes, when I met a Woman with a great Fardingale, and Pat­tens of the largest size, who leaned her hand vpon a Boyes head, and was couered with a Cypres Veyle [Page 130] vnto her stomacke; she asked mee if I could tell her of any Gentle­man-Vsher: I answered her, that I knew of none, but my self, of whom (if it pleased her) she might dispose as of her owne. The agreement was made betwixt vs without any farther delay, shee promising mee for meate, drinke and wages, three quartillos a day. I tooke possession That is 4. pence halfe penny. of the Office, and gaue her my arme, and threw away my Staffe, as hauing now no more need of it, for I carryed it only to be thought sicke, and mooue people to com­passion. Shee sent the Boy home, bidding him tell the Maide she should lay the Cloth, & make rea­dy dinner. She led me aboue two houres vp and downe from one place to another. The first visite we came at, the good Gentlewoman warned me, that whē we came nigh the house that she was to goe to, I [Page 131] should run before & enquire if the Master or the Mistresse were within, and say, My Mistresse Ieane Perez (for that was her name) is here, who desireth to kisse their hands. She told me moreouer, that when she did stay any where, I was neuer to haue my Hat on before her: I answered her, that I knew very well the dutie of a Seruant, and that I would performe it. I had an excee­ding desire to see the face of my new Mistresse, but I could not, be­cause she was vailed. She told me that shee could not maintaine mee alone for her selfe; but that shee would finde some of her neighbors whom I might serue, and that betweene them they would giue mee the consideration shee had promised mee, and in the meane time (till they were con­sorted, which would bee verie shortly) she would pay me her part. [Page 132] Shee asked me, if I knew where to lye a Nights? I told her, No. You shall not want Lodging (said shee) for my Husband is a Taylor, and hath Prentices, with whom you shall share Bedding: You could not haue found a better place in the whole Citie; for before three dayes be at an end, you shall haue six Mistresses, and euery one shall giue you a Quarto, which will be 3. Blankes are 3. far­dings. three Blancks more then I haue promised you. I could not but wonder at the state and grauitie of that Woman, who seemed (at the least) the Wife of some great Gen­tleman, or wealthy Citizen: and withall, it astonished mee to consi­der, how for three poore Quartil­los, and three Blanckes a day, I was to waite vpon seuen Mistres­ses. But I considered, that some­thing was better then nothing, and that the Office was not painefull, a [Page 133] thing I hated as the Deuill him­selfe: for I haue alwayes chosen ra­ther to eate Cabbage and Garlike without working; then to worke, and feede vpon Hennes and Ca­pons. When wee came home, shee gaue me her Veyle and Pattens, to deliuer them to the Maid, and then I saw what I so much desired. I found, that my little Woman was handsome enough; shee was browne, of a good behauiour, and comely feature. What I only disli­ked in her, was, that her face did shine like an Earthen Porrenger varnished. She gaue me the Quar­to, bidding me come twice a day, once at eight a clocke in the mor­ning, and againe at three in the af­ternoone, to know if she would go abroad, or no. I went from thence to a Cookes-shop, and with a Pie of a quarto I made an end of my al­lowance, passing the rest of the day [Page 134] like a Cameleon; for I had already spent the Almes that had beene giuen me vpon the way, and durst not fall a begging againe, for my Mistresse (if shee had knowne it) would haue eaten me quicke. I went to her house at three a clocke; she told me, that she would not go foorth, but that she would haue me know, that from thence for­wards she would pay nothing that day she went not abroade, and if so bee she went out but once in a whole day, I should then haue but two Marauedies. Furthermore, she A Maraue­dy is the least mony they haue in spaine, and is worth a little a­boue halfe a farding of our mony. sayde, that since she allowed mee my bedding, she did also expect to be serued before all others, and that I should entitle my selfe her seruant. The Bed (to speake truth) was such, as it deserued well that prerogatiue and much more, for shee made mee lye with her Prentises vpon a great [Page 135] Table, and the diuell any thing else there was, but an old rotten thred-bare Blanket to couer vs. I passed foure dayes with the plentifull Diet that foure Mara­uedies could affoord me, and at the end of them, there entred into the societie a Tauerners wife who was aboue an houre in bar­gaining for the poore quarto. To conclude, within fiue dayes I found seauen Mistresses, and sea­uen quartos a day of allowance, so that I began to liue very splen­didiously, drinking not of the worst Wine, though not alto­gether of the best, that so I might cut my Cloake according to my cloath. The other fiue were, a Ser­geants widdow, a Gardners wife, the bare footed Nunnes Chap­laines Neece (for so she stiled her selfe) a wench for any thing; and a Tripe-wife, whom I did best [Page 136] affect, because that when shee did pay me her Quarto, shee would al­waies bid me to some of her Tripe-broath, of the which before I went out of her house, I would send some three or foure Porrengers ful into my guts; so that I liued so well that I pray God I may neuer liue worse. The last was a deuout wo­man (called a Beata) with whom I had more to doe, then with all the rest; for she neuer visited any but Monkes and Friers, with whom when she was alone, she was in her kingdome: her house was like a Bee-Hiue, some went out, and other came in, but all of them with their great sleeues stored with one thing or other. They gaue me (that I might be secret) some peeces of meate, which they saued in their sleeues, out of their allowance in the Conuet. I neuer saw in all my life a better hypocrite then this [Page 137] my Mistresse was; when she went through the street shee neuer lifted her eyes from the ground; and her beades were neuer out of her hands wherewith shee still mumbled her prayers. Al such as knew her would desire her to pray to God for them, for without doubt her prayers were very acceptable vnto him. Shee would answer them, that shee was a great sinner (wherein shee lyed not, but cousened them with the naked truth.) Now had euery one of these my Mistresses their set houres, when one had told mee that she would not stirre foorth, I went to another till I had ended my taske. But especially I was (and that without faile) to go find them againe at my appointed time; for if by mischance I missed neuer so little, then would my Mistresse, be­fore all the company that she visi­ted, scold and rayle me out of my [Page 138] skinne; & threaten me, that if I con­tinued in this carelesnesse & negli­gence, she would seeke out another Gentleman-Vsher that should be more diligent, obseruant, and pun­ctual. So that to heare her brawle & threaten with such arrogancy, a mā would haue thought she had giuen me euery day 2. Ryals for my diet onely, and 30 Duckets a yeere stan­ding Wages. When they went a­broad, one would haue taken them for the wiues of some Presidents of Castilla, at the least of some Coun­cellours. It fortuned one day that the Chaplaines Neece, and the Sergeants wife met together in a Church, and being both of them to returne home at the same time, there arose a great controuersie be­tweene them, which of the two I was to accompany, making a noyse as if they had bin in a Faire. They pulled and tugged me, one of this [Page 139] side, another of that side, with such rage and fury, that at length they tore my cloake in pieces, leauing me starke naked; for the diuell any other cloathes had I vnder it but a ragged shirt that looked like a fish­ermans net. Those that through the casements thereof did cast their eyes vpon the nuditie of my flesh, did burst out into extreame laugh­ter. Some would mocke poore La­zaro; & others gaue eare to the two women who pulled their grandfa­thers out of their graues. The haste I had to gather vp againe the pie­ces of my cloake, which, for being somwhat too ripe, were fallē to the ground, would not permit me to heare what they said one to ano­ther; onely I heard the widdow say, Where hath this Baggage (I won­der) gotten all this pride? but yesterday shee was a Tankard-wench, & to day she ruffles it in her [Page 140] silkes, at the cost of the soules in Purgatory. The other replyed, But you Mistresse Wag-taile do mince it in your Stammell, earned of those who with a Deo gratias, and a God reward you, do pay for what­soeuer they possesse: and if I yester­day carried the water Tankard, you beare to day the wine Bottle. The company that stood by par­ted them, for they had already one another fast by the haire. Hauing gathered vp the dismēbred mem­ber of my poore cloake, I asked a couple of pinnes of a mumbler of Pater-nosters that was there, wher­with I mended it as well as I could to hide my nakednesse: and lea­uing them brawling, I went me to my Mistresse the Taylors wife, who had warned me to come and fetch her at eleuen a clocke, because shee was to goe to dinner at a friends house; when she saw mee in this [Page 141] pickle, she began to fal a scoulding at me; saying, What do you thinke to earne my money by waiting on me thus like a Roague? with farre lesse wages then I giue you I could haue a Gentleman-Vsher with handsome Trouses, a neat Doublet a good Cloake, and a comely Bon­net; and you doe nothing but Tip­ple vp all I giue you. What Tip­pling (sayd I to my selfe) with se­uen poore quartos that I earne a day, when I earne the most, for many passed that my Mistresses for feare of paying mee my quarto, would not goe abroade. She made the peeces of my Cloake to bee stitched one to another, and for very haste they put them vpside downewards, in which manner I waited on her.

CHAP. XIIII. Lazaro rehersed what happened at a Banquet.

WE posted like a Frier inuited to a feast; for the good Lady fea­red there should not be enough for her. We came to her friends house, where we found other women that were likewise inuited, who asked my Mistresse, Whether I was suffi­cient to keepe the doore? shee an­swered them, Yes. Then they sayd to me, Stand here brother, to day you shall fare royally. There came in many gallants, euery one pul­ling out of his pocket, this man a Partridge, and that man a Henne; one brought forth a Rabbet, ano­ther a paire of Pigeons; this a peece of Mutton, that a chine of Porke; some drew out Sawsiges or Chit­terlings: [Page 143] and such a one there was, that pulled out a Pie of a Ryall wrapped vp in his Handkercher. They deliuered all to the Cooke, and whilest dinner was in prepa­ring, they sported with the Gentle­women. What passed there be­tweene them, is neither lawfull for me to reherse, nor for the Reader to contemplate. But the Play be­ing ended, meate was serued in, and all sate downe, the Gentlewomen plying the dishes soundly; and the Gallants taking their Cups round­ly. What remained vpon the table, the women put it vp in their pock­ets. The Gentlemen returning to their hādkerchiefs, drew forth their last course. One broght out apples, another Cheese, another Oliues, & one of them (who was the chiefe and stitched the Tailers wife) drew out halfe a pound of Comfits. This manner of carrying meate so neere [Page 144] at hand for any necessity, did please me wondrous well, and therefore from thence forwards, I purposed to make three or foure pockets in the first breeches that God should send me (for at that time I had not any) and one of them should be of such leather as blacke Iackes are made of, very well sowne to put porridge in. For if those Gallants that were so rich, and so noted, did bring all the prouision in their pockets: and the Gentle­women did carry it away crammed within theirs. I (who was but Vsher to a crew of Cockatrices) might very well do it. We went at length among vs seruants to dinner, and the diuell any thing else was there for vs, but Porridge and Sops. I wondred that the good Ladies had not also put that into their wide sleeues. We had hardly be­gun to eate, when we heard a great [Page 145] noyse in the Roome where our Masters were. They disputed who their Parents had beene, and what the Womens Husbands were; vn­till that leauing wordes, they fell roundly to blowes, and pell-mell one with another, did let hands, feete, teeth, and nayles doe their function, in scratching, biting, kic­king, cuffing, and tugging one ano­ther by the haires. The occasion of this Vprore (as farre as I could vnderstand) was, that some of the Gallants would neyther giue, nor pay any thing to the Gentlewo­men, telling them, that what they had eaten, did suffice. It chanced, that vpon this stirre, a Commissa­rie, with other Officers of Iustice, did passe through the Street; who hearing the noyse, came to the Doore, and charged them to open in the Kings Name: Which words being heard, euery one began to [Page 146] runne, one this way, another that way: One left his Cloake, another his Sword: This Woman left her Pattens; that, her Veyle: so that all vanished, and hid themselues, euery one where best hee could. I, (who had done nothing for which I should runne away) did not stirre; but (as I was Porter) opened the Doore, least they should accuse mee to haue resisted the Kings Officers. The first Ser­geant that entred, taking first hold of me by the necke, said, That hee arrested mee: and being thus in his hold, they shut fast the Doores, and went to seeke those that had made the noyse. They left no Chamber, Closet, Butterie, Cel­lar, Garret, nor Priuie vnsearch­ed: but seeing they could finde no body, they tooke my exami­nation. I confessed from one end to the other, who those were that [Page 147] were there, and what they had done. They wondred, that there being so many, as I sayd; they could not finde any: And to speake the truth, I my selfe was much amazed at it, for there were twelue Men, and sixe Women. Wherefore I told them (as in­deede I did beleeue it) that I thought, that all those that had beene there, and made that noyse, were Spirits; whereupon they fell a laughing at me. The Com­missarie asked those that had beene in the Cellar, if they had searched well in euery corner: they answered him, Yes. But hee not satisfied therewith, caused a Torch to be lighted, to goe downe himselfe. Entring at the doore, they saw a great Tub rowle vp and downe the Cellar; wherewith the Sergeants beeing frighted, began to runne away, saying: [Page 148] By God this man sayth true, heere are nothing but Hobgoblins. The Commissarie, who was more craf­tie, stayed them, saying, That hee did not feare the Deuill; and with that, went to the Tub, and opening it, found within it a Man and a Woman, both of them as naked as their Mother brought them into the World, by reason, that when the said Commissarie did knocke at the doore, they were a bed toge­ther vpon termes of agreement, and had not had the leysure, vpon the sudden Alarum, to take their Clothes; but as they were, had hid themselues within that empty Tub. They were all amazed to see them both so faire; but casting Cloakes vpon them, they committed them to the custodie of two Sergeants, and went on to seeke the others. The Commissarie discouered a great Earthen Vessell full of Oyle, [Page 149] within the which hee found a man cloathed, and vp to the brest in the said Oyle: who (as soone as they perceiued him) thought to haue leaped forth; which he could not doe so artificially, but that both hee and the Vessell came to the ground, so that the Oyle did re­bound vp to their Hats, and with­out any respect stayned them all; which made them curse both the Office, and the Deuill that first in­uented it. The Oyly man, seeing that no body did stay him (but to the contrary, that all fled from him as from a mad Dogge) betooke himselfe to his heeles; and though the Commissarie cryed out, Stay him, Stay him, yet neuerthelesse euery one gaue him way, so that he went out at a back-doore, pissing Oyle, of the which he had enough out of his Garments, to maintaine the Lampe of our Lady of Distres­ses [Page 150] a month and more. All the Of­ficers remained drenched in oyle, cursing him that had brought thē thither, and me also: for they sayd I was the Bawd, and for such a one should be punished. They came out of the Cellar as Fritters out of a Frying-pan, leauing a tract wheresoeuer they passed. They were so angry, that they vowed to God and the foure Euangelists to hang all those that they found; which made vs prisoners to stinke for feare. They went to Corne and Meale roomes to seeke out the rest; and being there, from aboue through a trap-doore was a sack of Meale powred vpon them, where­with they were all blinded, and cryed out, Violence to the Kings Officers: and if they thought to open their eyes, they were in­stantly closed vp with water and meale. Those that had the kee­ping [Page 151] of vs, left vs to goe helpe the Commissarie, that roared out like a mad-man. But they were scarce entred, when their eyes also were filled with Meale and Water: so that they went vp and downe, as if they had beene playing at Blind­man-buffe; and meeting one ano­ther in this manner, did enter­change such Cuffes and Blowes, that they brake one anothers Chops, and Teeth. When wee saw them in such disorder, wee came in vpon them, and they vpon themselues with such might, that being wearie, and out of breath, they fell to the ground, where blowes and spurnes fell vpon them as thicke as hayle, vntill they were as still as if they had beene dead: for if any one did but open his mouth to grunt neuer so little, hee had it straightwayes filled with Meale, and crammed like a Capon. [Page 152] Wee bound them hand and foot, and carryed them into the Cellar, and threw them into the Oyle, like Fishes to be fryed, where they wal­lowed like Hogges in the myre. Then did wee shut vp all the doores, euery one returning to his owne house. The owner of the house, where these Reakes were played (who was gone into the Countrey) comming home pre­sently after, and finding the doores fast, and that no body did answere (by reason that a Neece of his, to whom he had encharged his house, which shee had lent for that mee­ting, was gone home to her Fa­thers, for feare of her Vnckle) hee caused the doores to be broken o­pen. But when hee found his house all strewed with Meale, and be­dawbed with Oyle, hee was so vex­ed, that hee tooke on as if hee had beene drunke: then hee went into [Page 153] his Cellar, where hee found all the Oyle spilt, and the Officers tum­bling in it. With rage and mad­nesse to see his goods spoyled after this manner, he tooke a great Cud­gel, and gaue the Commissarie and the Sergeants so many blowes, that hee left them for halfe dead: then calling his neighbours to his ayde, they carryed them into the Street, where the Boyes fell a throwing Mudde, Durt, and Shoo-Clouts vpon them; for they were so full of Meale, that no body could know them. When they came againe to themselues, and perceiued they were in the Street, and vnbound, they presently rose vp, and betooke themselues to their heeles; so that one might very wel then haue said, Stop the Constable. They left be­hind them their Cloakes, Swords, and Daggers; not daring to re­turne againe for them, that no [Page 154] body might know the Businesse. The Master of the house tooke pos­session of all, in recompence of the losse hee had sustained. When I went out of the house, to goe my way, I met with a Cloake that was none of the worst, which I tooke vp, and left mine in stead of it. I gaue God thankes, that I came off so well in that dayes aduenture; which was a new world to me, who was wont alwayes to goe by the worst. I went to the Taylors Wiues house, where I found a great hurly-burly, and the Taylor taking measure of his Wiues ribbes with a good Cudgell, because shee was come home alone, without Veyle, or Pattens, running through the streets with more then a hun­dred Boyes at her tayle. I came in good time: for as soone as the Taylor saw me, hee left his Wife, and fell vpon my Iacke, giuing [Page 155] me a blow with his fist ouer the Face, wherewith he struck out those few Teeth that I had left me, and some tenne or twelue spurnes in the Guts, that made me cast vp a­gaine that little which I had eaten. What (said he) infamous Band, are you not ashamed to come to my house? You shall surely now pay your old and new Score both at once: and calling to his Ser­uants to bring forth a Blanket, they put me into it, and tossed me at their pleasures, and my great griefe, leauing me for dead; and in that case they layd me vp­on a Bench, being alreadie night. When I came againe to my selfe, and thought to haue stirred, I fell to the ground, and with the fall, I brake one of my Armes. The Day beeing come, by little and by little I crawled vnto a Church Gate: Where, with a [Page 156] pittifull voyce, I craued the chari­table Almes of such persons as went in and out.

CHAP. XV. How Lazaro made himselfe an Hermite.

LYing at the Church Doore, and making a collection of my former life; I conside­red all the misfortunes that I had passed, from the day that I began to serue the Blind man, vntill the present instant: And all Recko­nings made vp, I found, that rising early, did not bring on the day fa­ster, nor continuall toyle make a man alwayes rich; but as the Song sayth:

To him I recommended my selfe, [Page 157] that the end might prooue better then eyther the beginning or the middle had beene. It was my chance to be close to a venerable and white-bearded Hermite, ha­uing a Staffe and Beades in his hand, at the end whereof did hang a Deaths-head, of the bignesse of a Conies. This good Father seeing me distressed, with kind and milde speeches began to comfort me, as­king me from whence I was, and what chances had brought me to this estate? I, in few and compen­dious tearmes, gaue him to vnder­stand the long and large extent of my bitter and painfull Pilgrimage. Hee was amazed to heare me, and mooued with pietie and pittie to­wards me, hee inuited me home to his Hermitage. I accepted of his offer, and as well as I could (which was with no little paine) wee came to the Oratorie, which was two [Page 158] miles from thence in a Rocke; close to the which, there was a Chamber with a hollownesse in one of the walls, where his bed stood. Within the Yard was a Cisterne with fresh water, wherewith he watred a Gar­den, more curious and neate, then vaste and spacious. Here (said the good old man) haue I liued these twenty yeeres, free from the iarring and vnquietnesse of the World: this is (my Brother) the earthly Pa­radice. Here doe I contemplate both diuine and humane matters: here doe I fast when I am filled, and eate when I am hungry: here doe I watch, when I cannot sleepe; and sleepe, when I am wearie of watch­ing. Here am I solitary, when I want company; and am accompa­nyed, when I am not alone. Here doe I sing, when I am merry; and weepe, when I am sad. Here doe I worke, when I am not idle; and [Page 159] am idle, when I doe not worke. Here do I thinke vpon my bad life that is passed; & consider the good one that is present. Here, lastly, it is where all things are vnknowne; and where the knowledge of all things is attained. It did mee good at the heart to heare the merrily disposed Hermite: And therefore I desired him to giue mee some notion of the Hermiticall life, for it seemed to me the quintessence of all others. It is by so much the best (an­swered hee) that hee onely can tell who hath made tryall of it: but wee can not now haue ley­sure to discourse any farther vpon it, by reason that it is din­ner time. I intreated him to giue mee some remedie for my arme, which was very sore. He did it with such ease & facilitie, as frō thence forwards it pained mee no more. [Page 160] Wee did eate like Kings, and dranke like Germans. Dinner be­ing ended, in the middest of our Noone-sleepe, the good Hermite began to cry out, I dye, I dye. I presently arose, and found him rea­die to giue vp the Ghost. Seeing him in this case, I asked him if hee was a dying; hee answered me, I, I, I: and onely repeating I, dyed within an houre after. I found my selfe in a pecke of troubles; consi­dering, that if the man did dye without witnesses, one might say, that I had killed him, and so it would cost me my life, which till then with so much adoe I had pre­serued; and that few witnesses would serue to conuince me of the Fact, by reason that my Garbe and Fashion would make me be taken rather for a Robber vpon the high­wayes, then for a man of worship. I came instantly out of the Cell, [Page 161] to see if I could finde thereabouts any body, to be a witnesse of that death: and looking on euery side, I perceiued a flocke of Sheepe not farre from thence, towards the which I went in all haste (though not without paine, feeling the Tay­lor still vpon my bones) where I found six or seuen Shepheards, and foure or fiue Shepheardesses, vnder the shade of certaine Willowes, neere adioyning to a delightfull & cleare Spring. The Shepheards did pipe, the Shepheardesses did sing; some capered, and others danced: one held a Wench by the hand, a­nother slept in another Wenches Lap. Briefely, they all passed away the heat of the day in Loue-Games & pleasant discourses. I came vnto them panting & out of breath, desi­ring thē, that without any stay they would come with me, for the Her­mite lay a dying. Some of them fol­lowed [Page 162] me, leauing the rest to keepe their flockes. Being entred into the Hermitage, they asked the good Hermite, whether he did meane to die? who answered them, I, (but he lyed, for hee had no mind to it, but was forced to it against his will.) When I saw that hee persisted still in one & the same note, answering I, to all questions; I asked him, If he intended that those Shepheards should be his Executors? he said, I. I asked him if he did not make me his sole and lawfull heire? he answe­red, I. I went on asking him, if hee did not acknowledge and confesse, that whatsoeuer hee did or might possesse, was due vnto me, both for my good and acceptable seruices, as for diuerse things which hee had receiued of me? he againe said, I; which I, I wished might haue been the last accent of his life. But as I perceiued, that there was yet some [Page 163] breath in his body (fearing least he should bestow it to my losse and dammage) I went on still with my demands, causing one of the Shep­heards to note downe all that hee said: which the Shepheard did with a Coale against the Wall, because hee had neyther Penne nor Inck­horne. I asked him, If hee was not content, that that Shepheard should signe and subscribe for him vnto his Will, since hee himselfe was vnable to doe it? he answered, I, I, I, and thereupon dyed. Wee tooke order for his Buriall, making a Graue for him in his Garden with the greatest speed that might be, for the feare that I had least hee should rise againe. I desired the Shepheards to take part of a Col­lation; but they thanked me, by reason, that it was alreadie time to driue foorth their Cattell, for to feede: and so they departed, [Page 164] saying, they were very heauy for my losse. I locked fast the doore of the Cell, and ransacked instantly euery corner. I found a great Earthen Vessell full of good Wine, & ano­ther of Oyle; two Pots of Honey, two sides of Bacon, much poudred Meat, and some dryed Fruits; all which did please me very well, but yet it was not that which I did seek. I found his Chests full of Linnen; and in a corner of one of them, a Womans garment. Although that made me wonder, yet I wondred more, that a man so prouident and thriftie as hee was, should be with­out Money. I was in mind to goe to his Graue, and aske him where he had put it; and me thought, that hauing asked him, he made me this answere: Thou Foole, doest thou thinke, that liuing in this vnneigh­boured and solitarie place, at the mercy of euery Rogue and Theefe, [Page 165] I was to keepe within a Trunke (in danger of losing it) that which I lo­ued & esteemed more then my life? This inspiration (as if really I had receiued it from his mouth) made me seek in euery corner: but finding nothing, I considered with my self, That if I were to hide Money in such a place as no body might sind it, where would I put it? I sayd, within yonder Altar; to the which I went instantly, and lifting vp the Cloth that hung before it, at one side of it, being all of Bricke, I per­ceiued a Chinke wide enough one­ly to put through a Ryall of eight. A Ryall of eight is worth foure shillings, My bloud began to rise, & my heart to pant. I tooke a Pick-axe, and in lesse then two blowes, I threw halfe the Altar to the ground, and disco­uered the Reliques that were there intombed. I found a Pot of Mo­ney, which I told out, and found the summe to be six hundred Ryals. [Page 166] The ioy & content that I receiued was so great, that I had like to haue died. I took it frō thence, & digged a Hole without the Hermitage, where I buried it, that (if I were dri­uen from thence) I might find with­out, that which I so highly & dearly cherished. That done, I cloathed my selfe in the Hermites Weeds, & went to the City, to giue notice vn­to the Prior of the Society, of what was passed; not forgetting before I went, to mend vp againe the Altar as it was before. It was my fortune to meet all the Brethren together, of whom the Hermitage did de­pend, which was consecrated to Saint Lazaro, whence I gathered a good prognostick for my selfe: who when they saw me alreadie gray-headed, and of an exemplary aspect (which is most requisite for such Professions) although they found one difficulty, which was, that I had [Page 167] no Beard (because it was not yet growne againe, hauing shaued it not long before) yet notwithstan­ding, seeing (by the report of the Shepheards) that the deceased had made me his Heire, they gaue me the hold & possession of the Hermi­tage. But now I speake of Beards, I remember what a certain Frier did once tel me, which was, that in their Order and in others of the most re­formed sort, they neuer make any Superior, vnlesse he be well furnish­ed with Beard: by means where of it cōmeth to passe, that many who are sufficient & capable to exercise that charge, are excluded; & others pre­ferred to the same, though vnwor­thy, so that their Chin be wel stored with downe: as if to rule & gouerne wel, did rather depend of haires, thē of a good & ripe vnderstāding. The Brothers admonished me to liue according to the example & good [Page 168] reputation of my Predecessor, which was such, as euery one held him for a Saint. I told them, that I would shew my selfe a Hercules. They warned mee likewise, that I should not begge but vpon Tues­dayes and Saterdayes, because if I did otherwise, the Fryers would punish me. I promised them to fulfill in all points what they should ordaine me (and the rather, because I had no great minde to come into their clutches, hauing already tryed of what mettle their hands were made.) I began then to begge from doore to doore, with a low, humble and deuout tone (as I had learned in the blind mans Schoole) and that not for any need, but because it is a vse & custome among Beggars, who the more they haue, the more they desire, & with more gust. The folks that did heare me say, Pray bestow something towards the lamp of the [Page 169] good Saint Lazaro, and did not know the voyce, came out to the Doore, and seeing me, did wonder much, & asked me, Where the fa­ther Anselmo was? (for so was the good old man called) I told them that hee was departed this world. The one sayd, Now God be with him and giue him good rest that was so good a man. The others, May his blessed Soule enioy cele­stiall happinesse. Some said, Bles­sed be he that led such a life; for in sixe yeeres hee hath not eaten any hot meate whatsoeuer. Others said He fasted with bread and water. Some foolish and Superstitious women would kneele downe and call vpon the father Anselmo. One asked mee what I had done with his habit. I told her that it was the same that I did weare. She (with­out saying what she would haue) pulled out her Sizars, and began [Page 170] to cut off a piece of that she could first lay hold on, which was iust be­fore my fore-parts; wherupon I be­gan to cry out, fearing shee would haue gelded me. But she seeing me so dismayd, said, Feare not Brother, for I wil not be without a relique of that blessed man, but I will pay for the damage done to your garment. Ah (said some) without doubt be­fore six months be at an end, he wil be canonized, for he hath done ma­ny miracles. There came so many to see his Sepulchre, that the house was alwayes full; wherefore I thought it fit to bring him forth vnder a Pent­house before the Hermitage: & frō thence forward, I begd no more for S. Lazaro's Lamp, but for that of the Blessed Anselmo. I could neuer yet vnderstand that maner of Begging, Giue to the Lampe, or for to light the Saints. But I will not harpe too much vpō that string, for it wil jarre [Page 171] in the eares of those, who with the Saints Oile do maintain the Lamps of their stomacks. I cared not much to go to the City, hauing within the Cell what I desired; yet least they should say I was rich, & therefore I did not beg, I went thither the day folowing, where befel me that which you may read in the next Chapter.

CHAP. XVI. How Lazaro would haue mar­ried againe.

GOod lucke is better then a patrimony; to an vnfortunat man, a Hog is no better thē a Dog. Wee see oftentimes many men spring from the slime of the earth, and without knowing how, they do find themselues rich, hono­red, feared, & esteemed. If you aske, Is that man learned? one wil answer you, As an Asse. Is he wise? As a Wood-Cock. Hath he any good qualities? As many as a Carman. [Page 172] From whence then commeth to him all his wealth? One will tell you, From Fortune. And contra­riwise, many that are discreete, wise, prudent, full of a thousand perfections, and fit to rule a king­dome, doe see themselues needy, scorned, deiected, and made the Dish-Clouts of the world. If you demand the reason hereof: One will answer you, A crosse Fortune doth pursue them. The same (as I think) pursued and persecuted me, giuing in me an instance vnto the world, of what she is able to doe; for since the foundation of it, no man hath beene so tossed by that vnfortunate Fortune. But to fol­low my discourse. I went through a streete begging (as I was wont) for the good Saint Lazaro; (for I durst not begge within the Cittie for the blessed Anselmo, that was onely for Idiots and superstitious [Page 173] women that came to rub their beades vpon his sepulcher, where according to their sayings, many miracles were done.) And com­ming to a doore, and doing there as at others, I heard some body call mee from the staires-head, saying; Come vp, Father, come vp: What meane you to be so strange? I went vp, and vpon the midst of the staires (which were somwhat darke) certaine women met me. The one hung about my necke, the others tooke me by the hands, di­uing with theirs into my pockets. All of them asked me, why they had not seene me these eight daies? But when we were come vp to the staires-head, and that by the light of the windowes they saw mee, they were all amazed, and looked one vpon another as if they had beene Matachines; and in the end brake out into such laughter, that [Page 172] [...] [Page 173] [...] [Page 174] one would haue thought they did it for a Wager, none of them be­ing able to vtter one word. The first that spoke, was a little Boy, that said, This is not my Daddy. But when this flux of Laughter was somewhat ouer, the Women (who were foure) asked mee for whom I begged? I told them, for Saint Lazaro. For Saint Lazaro, said they? Why, is not the Fa­ther Anselmo well? Well? (answe­red I) yes sure, hee complayneth of nothing, for hee dyed eight dayes agoe. When they heard this, they fell all a roaring; and if their Laughing had beene be­fore great, their Wayling was now greater. Some cryed; o­thers pulled themselues by the hayres; all of them together made such a jarring Musique, that a Quire of hoarse Nunnes could scarce make a worse. One [Page 175] said, What shall become of mee Wretch that I am, without a Husband, without Defence, and without Counsaile? Whither shall I goe? Who shall maintayne mee? O heauie newes! What mischance is this? Another brake out thus: My deare Sonne in Law, and Master! How haue you forsaken vs, without bidding vs farewell? O my poore little Children, now Orphants, and comfortlesse, where is your good Father? The little Brats held the Superius of that vntuned Musique. Euery one wept, eue­ry one tooke on; there was no­thing but Sobs, nothing but Waylings. But when the Wa­ters of that great Deluge grew somewhat towards an Ebbe, they enquired of mee, how, and of what Disease hee dyed. I tolde it them; as also, the [Page 176] Will which he made, leauing and ordaining me for his lawfull heire and successor. There was the blow. It was there that teares was turned into fury, sobs vnto blasphemies and wailings into threatnings. You are some thiese that haue murthered him, to rob him; but you shall not brag of it (said the yongest) for that Hermite was my husband, and these three children are his: and vnlesse you do giue vs all his goods, and restore vnto mee a garment that I lent him to dis­guise himselfe vpon Shroue-Tues­day, we will make you be hanged: and if iustice be denyed, there are Swords and Pistols in the world, wherewith to make you loose a thousand liues, if so many you had. I told them that I had sufficient witnesses, before whom hee had made his wil. These are all tricks & gulleries (sayd they) for the same [Page 177] day that you say hee died, hee was here, and told vs, that hee had no companie. After I had considered with my self, that the Will had not been made vnder the hands of No­taries, and that those Women did threaten me; for the experience that I had of Law, and Suits, I determi­ned to speake them faire, to try if by that meanes I might compasse that which by Law I was assured to lose: as also, for that the teares of the young Widow had penetrated to the interior parts of my heart. And so I desired them to be quiet, telling them, that they should lose nothing by me; and that if I had accepted to be his Heire, it was onely because I thought that the deceased was no married man, hauing neuer heard before that Hermits were married. They (all sadnesse and melancholy being cast off) began to laugh, say­ing, That they saw well that I was a [Page 178] Nouice, and little experimented in that Office, since I knew not, that when an Hermite is termed solita­rie, it is meant that hee is to be se­questred from the company and so­cietie of men, and not of women; for there is not any, but hath one at the least, with whom hee may passe in exercises of action, the vacant time, from those of Speculation; imitating in that your holy Prede­cessors: and so much the more, by reason that they are persons that are better informed of the Will of God, who hath ordained, that man should not be alone: And therefore they, like dutifull & obedient Chil­dren, haue each of them one or two wiues, whō they maintaine, though it be euen of Almes; & particularly, the vnhappie Wretch that is dead, who nourished and kept foure; that poore Widow, and I that am her Mother, and those two her Sisters, [Page 179] besides those three Infants that are his Children, or at least that he held for such. Then she, whō they said to be his Wife, said, That shee would not be called the Widow of that old rotten carkasse, that had not re­membred her at his death; and that shee would bee sworne, that those Children were none of his; and that from that time shee did annull and breake all contracts of Matrimony made betweene them. I then asked her, what the contents of that con­tract were? The Mother replyed, saying, The Matrimoniall couenāts that I made, when I married my daughter with that vngrateful man, were these that follow; which, that you may the better vnderstand, I must of necessitie begin farther off. I liued heretofore in a Towne cal­led Ducnas, some twelue miles hēce, hauing onely remaining these three daughters, of three sundry fathers, [Page 180] who (to the neerest coniecture) were a Monke, an Abbot, and a Priest, for I haue bin alwayes much deuoted vnto the Church. But at length I came to dwel in this City, to eschew the rumors which are frequent in such little places; for euery one termed me the Ecclesia­sticall Widow, by reason that (to my griefe) all three of them were dead. And though others presently did supply their places, they were men of little gaine, and of lesse au­thoritie; who not contenting them­selues with the Mother, layd snares to entrap the young ones: which to preuent, seeing the danger eminent, and that the gaine was not suffici­ent to maintaine vs, here I pitched, and began to set vp. At the report of the three Wenches, suitors came as thick as Gnats to the Wine-tap; but to none of them all did I euer incline so much as to Churchmen, [Page 181] being persons that are secret, rich, thriftie, and patient. Now among others, the Hermite of S. Lazaro came a begging, and seeing this Maid, fell in loue with her, and in holinesse and simplicitie did desire her of me for his Wife. I clapped vp the Match vpon these Articles and Conditions that I wil tell you. First, hee obliged himselfe to feede our whole household; and what we our selues could earne, should be to apparrell vs, & to put vp. Secondly, that if at any time my daughter did admit any Coadiutor (hee being somewhat old and crasie) he should not make any words of it. Thirdly, that he should hold and esteeme as his owne, all the Children that shee should beare, to whom from that instant he assured all whatsoeuer he did or might possesse; & that com­ming to passe, that my daughter should he without issue, hee did [Page 182] make her his sole and lawfull heire. Fourthly, that he was not to come into our house, when he should see a Iarre, Pot, or other Vessell at the Window; a token, that then there was no roome for him. Fiftly, that if, hee being in the house, any other did come, he was then to hide him­selfe where wee should bid him, vn­till the other were departed. Sixtly and lastly, that he should be a Me­diator, to bring hither twice euery weeke some friend or acquaintance of his, to make merry with vs at their owne charges. These are (said she) the conditions, vpon the which that Wretch betrothed himselfe to my daughter, and she to him. The Marriage was made & ended, with­out either Priest or Curate; for hee told me that it was needlesse, since the essence thereof did consist only in conformitie of mindes and mu­tuall intentions. I was amazed at [Page 183] the speeches of that other Celestina, and at the Articles of her daughters marriage: I was perplext, not know­ing what to say, vntill they opened a passage to my desires; for the yong Widow fel about my neck, saying, If that vnhappy man had had this Angels face, how much should I haue loued him? and with that, shee kissed me. After this kisse, there en­tred into me I know not what, that began to set me a fire; so that with­out any delay, or farther discourse, I told her, That if she were minded to forsake her Widow-hood, and receiue me as her owne, I would not onely keepe and fulfill my Predecessors Couenants, but all others whatsoeuer that they would adde. They were well pleased with that, and sayd, That they onely desired, that I should put into their hands all that which was in the Hermitage, and that they [Page 184] would keepe it. I promised them so to doe, but with intent to conceale the Money for a need. The conclu­ding of the Match was referred vn­to the next day; and that afternoone they sent a Cart to the Cell, where­in they carryed away all, euen to the ashes, not forbearing so much as the Altar-Cloth, or the Saints Gar­ments. I was so loue-nettled, that if they had asked me the Phoenix, or Water out of the Stygian Lake, I would haue giuen it them. They left me nothing but a poore Straw­bed, whereon I might cast my selfe like a Dogge. When the good La­dy; my future Wife (who came with the Cart) saw that there was no Money, shee was angry (for the old man had told her that hee had some, but not where) and asked me if I did not know where the Trea­sure lay? I told her, No. She, craf­tie and subtill as she was, tooke me [Page 185] by the hand, that we might go seeke it together, & caryed me into euery hole and corner of the Hermitage. As wee went about the Altar, shee perceiued the side of the Wall which was newly made vp, where­upon shee entred into suspition of me. And therefore embracing and kissing me, she said vnto me, I pray thee my Loue tell me where the Money is, that we may make a mer­ry Wedding with it. I still denyed that I knew of any. Then she taking me againe by the hand, made me walke out round about the Hermi­tage, still looking me in the Face; and when wee came to the place where I had hid the Money, my eyes were instantly towards it. She, who all this while watched but for that action, called straightwayes to her Mother, bidding her seek vnder a Stone that I had layd there; which she doing, met with the Mony, and [Page 186] I with my death. But shee dissem­bled, saying, Looke here, wee will liue a merry life with this. Then shewing me all manner of kindnes, they presently (because it grew late) retired to the Citie, and left me vn­till the next morning, that I was to goe to their house, where we should make the merriest Wedding that euer was seene. God grant it (said I to my selfe.) All that night I ballan­ced betweene hope and feare, Ieast those Women should deceiue me, although it seemed vnpossible vnto me, that a false heart should lurke vnder so good a face; for, as the Bis­key said, If thy face be good, thy ac­tions wil be answerable. That night was a yeere to me. It was yet scarce day, whē as locking vp my Hermi­tage, I went to be married, as if that had bin but a slight matter; not re­membring that Eluira was my wife. I came to the house at their rising; [Page 187] where they receiued me with such ioy, that I accounted my self a hap­py man; & all feare layd aside, I be­gan to ordaine and command as in my owne house. Wee made such good cheare, & with such content, that I thought I was in a Paradise: We wanted not company, for they had inuited fiue or six Women of their friends. After Dinner we fel to dancing; and, though I was altoge­ther ignorant therein, they forced me to doe the like. It was the best sport in the world to see me hobble vp & downe in my Hermits attire. But night being come, after a good Supper, & better drinking, they car­ried me into a faire chamber, where there was a good Bed, and bad me make my selfe vnready, & go to bed first, whilst my Bride was vndressing. I did so, though cōtrary to the fashi­on of my coūtry, where the woman hath that prerogatine. A maid was [Page 188] left to helpe me off with my Stoc­kings, who told me, that I must put off my Shirt, for it was requisit that for some Ceremonies that were yet to be performed, I should be starke naked. I obeyed her: but I was no sooner in the Bed, but all the Wo­men, and my Bride among them, rushed into the Chamber; and the first thing they did, two of them tooke me by the feet, & two by the armes, & tied instantly foure cords about them, wherewith they bound me to the foure Bed-Posts, leauing me stretched like a S. Andrew vpon a Crosse; whereupon they all fell a laughing like mad folkes, & I aroa­ring like a Bull. But they told me, vnlesse I held my peace, that I was a dead man. Then they tooke a great Basin of hot Water, wherein they popped my head. I burned my self, & which was worse, if I thought to cry out, they so belaced me with [Page 189] stripes, that I was constrained to let thē do their pleasure. They scalded off my Beard, haire, eye-browes, and eye-lids, saying, A little more pati­ence, & the Ceremonies will be en­ded, & you shall enioy your desire. I entreated them to let me goe, for my itch of marrying was now coo­led. But one of the boldest of them drawing out a Knife, said to the o­thers, Hold him fast, and I will gold him a little, that his mortified flesh may not another time be tempted to copulation. The holy Hermite beleeued (I thinke) that all wee told him had beene Gospel, but y faith it was not, nor Epistle neyther. Hee would trust to women; he shall see now what will come on't. When I saw my precious stones in such dan­ger, I strugled in such manner, as I brake one of the Cords, & withall, one of the Bed-Posts; being anima­ted by a desire that I had, to keepe [Page 190] my Bells for a Morris-dance. They seeing what I had done, for feare lest I should breake all the Bed, vn­bound me, & putting me in a Sheet, they tossed me so long, that they left me for dead. These are, sayd they, Sir, the ceremonies wherwith our Wedding begins; if it please you to come againe to morrow, we will make an end of the rest: & with that, foure of them took me vp, and carryed me a good way from their house, and layd me in the midst of the Street; where the Day found me, and the Boyes began to run af­ter me, and doe me a great deale of mischiefe: so that, to auoyd them, I ran into a Church, close to the High Altar, where they were at Masse. When the Priests saw such a sight, which questionlesse resem­bled the Deuill that Painters vse to lay vnder S. Michaels feet; they all ran away, & I among them, to free [Page 191] my selfe from the misdemeanors of those Deuils incarnate. The people that was in the Church, cryed out; some, Take heed of the Deuill; o­thers, Beware of the Mad-man. I cryed out as well as they, that I was neyther Deuill, nor Mad-man, but onely a poore fellow, whom God for my sinnes had visited with that miserie. When they perceiued, that I was not what they took me to be, they all were quieted; the Priests returned backe againe, to make an end of their Masse; and the Sexton gaue me the Cloth of a Tombe, to wrap my selfe in. I went into a cor­ner, where I cōsidered the crosses of Fortune, & how on euery side man is beset with miserie; and therfore I determined to abide in that church & there end my dayes (which, in re­gard of my former woes, could not be very long) and saue the Priests a labor of fetching me elswhere, after my death.

This is in summe (courteous Rea­der) the second Part of the Life of Lazarillo, without either adding or diminishing, but euen as I haue heard my great Grandmother tell it. If thou doest like it, expect the third Part, which shall no lesse delight thee.