A Pleasant Comedy, CALLED: The Case is Alterd.
As it hath beene sundry times acted by the children of the Black-friers.
LONDON, Printed for Bartholomew Sutton, and William Barrenger, and are to be sold at the great North-doore of Saint Paules Church. 1609.
A pleasant Comedy called, the Case is Alterd.
Actus primi,
Scaena prima.
Gods lid man, seruice is ready to go vp man, you must slip on your coate and come in, we lacke waiters pittyfully.
A pittifull hearing, for now must I of a merry Cobler become mourning creature.
Well youle come.
Presto. Go to, a word to the wise, away, [...]ie? vanish: Lye there the weedes that I disdaine to weare.
God saue you Maister Iuniper.
What Signior Antonio Balladino, welcome sweet I [...]gle ▪
And how do you sir?
Faith you see, put to my shifts here as poore retainers be oftentimes, sirrah Antony ther's one of my fellowes mightely enamored of thee, and I faith you slaue, now your come I'le bring you together, i'ts Peter Onion, the groome of the hal, do you know him.
No not yet, I assure you.
O he is one as right of thy humour as may be, a plaine simple Rascal, a true dunce, marry he hath bene a notable vilaine in his time: he is in loue, sirrah, with awench, & I haue preferd thee to him, thou shalt make him some prety Paradox or some Aligory, how does my coate sit? well.
I very well.
Na Gods so, fellow Iuniper, come away.
Art thou there mad slaue, I come with a powder? Sirrah fellow Onion. I must haue you peruse this Gentleman well, and doe him good offices of respect and kindnesse, as instance shall be giuen.
Nay good maister Onion what do you meane, I pray you sir you are to respectu [...] in good faith.
I would not you should thinke so sir, for though I haue no learning, yet I honour a scholer in any ground of the earth sir,
Shall I request your name sir?
My name is Antonio Balladino.
Balladino▪ you are not Pageant Poet to the City of Millaine sir, are you.
I supply the place sir: when aworse cannot be had sir.
I crie you mercy sir, I loue you the better for that sir, by Iesu you must pardon me, I knew you not, but Il'd pray to be better acquainted with you sir▪ I haue seene of your works.
I am at your seruice good Maister Onion, but concerning this maiden that you loue sir? what is she,
O did my fellow Iuniper tell you▪ marry sir, she is [Page] as one may say, but a poore mans child indeede, and for mine owne part I am no Gentleman borne I must confesse, but my mind to me a kingdome is truly.
Truly a very good saying.
T'is somewhat stale, but that's no matter.
O t'is the better, such things euer are like bread, which the staler it is, the more holesome.
This is but a hungry comparison in my iudgement.
Why, I'le tell you, M. Onion, I do vse as much stale stuffe, though I say it my selfe, as any man does in that kind I am sure. Did you see the last Pageant, I set forth?
No faith sir, but there goes a huge report on't.
Why, you shal be one of my Maecen-asses, I'le giue you one of the bookes, O you'le like it admirably.
Nay that's certaine, I'le get my fellow Iuniper to read it.
Reade it sir, I'le reade it to you.
Tut then I shall not chuse but like it.
Why looke you sir, I write so plaine, and keepe that old Decorum, that you must of necessitie like it; mary you shall haue some now (as for example, in plaies) that will haue euery day new trickes, and write you nothing but humours: indeede this pleases the Gentlemen: but the common sort they care not for't, they know not what to make on't, they looke for good matter, they, and are not edified with such toyes.
You are in the right, I'le not giue a halfepeny to see a thousand on'hem. I was at one the last Tearme, but & euer I see a more roguish thing, I am a peece of cheese, & no onion, nothing but kings & princes in it, the foole came not out a iot.
True sir, they would haue me make such plaies, but as I tell hem, and they'le giue me twenty pound a play, I'le not raise my vaine.
No, it were a vaine thing and you should sir.
Tut giue me the penny, giue me the peny, I care not for the Gentlemen I, lerme haue a good ground, no matter for the pen, the plot shall carry it.
Indeed that's right, you are in print already for the [Page] best plotter.
I, I might as well ha bene put in for a dumb shew too.
I marry sir, I marle you were not, stand aside sir a while:
How now friend, what are you there? be vncouered, Would you speake with any man here?
I, or else I must ha' returnd you no answer.
Friend, you are somewhat to peremptory, let's craue your absence: nay neuer scorne it, I am a little your better in this place.
I do acknowledge it.
Do you acknowledge it? nay then you shall go forth, Ile teach you how shall acknowledge it another time; go to, void, I must haue the hall purg'd, no setting vp of a rest here, packe, begone.
I pray you sir is not your name Onion?
Your friend as you may vse him, and M. Onion, say on.
M. Onion with a murraine, come come put off this Lyons hide, your eares haue discouered you, why Peter! do not I know you Peter?
Gods so, Valentine!
O can you take knowledge of me now sir?
Good Lord, sirra, how thou art altred with thy trauell?
Nothing so much as thou art with thine office, but sirra, Onion is the Count Ferneze at home?
I Bully, he is aboue; and the Lord Paulo Ferneze, his son, and Maddam Aurelia, & maddam Phanixella, his daughters, But O Valentine?
How now man, how dost thou?
Faith sad, heauy, as a man of my coate ought to be.
Why man, thou wert merry inough euen now.
Dead!
I faith.
When dyed she?
Mary, to morrow shall be three months, she was seene going to heauen they say, about some fiue weekes agone! how now? trickling teares, ha?
Faith thou hast made me weepe with this newes.
Why I haue done but the parte of an Onion, you must pardon me.
Scaene. 2.
What Valentine? fellow Onion, take my dish I prithee you rogue sirrah, tell me, how thou dost, sweet I [...]gle.
Faith, Iuniper, the better to see thee thus frolicke.
Nay, slid I am no changling, I am Iuniper still.
I keepe the pristmate ha, you mad Hierogliphick, when shal we swagger.
Hierogliphick, what meanest thou by that.
Meane? Gods so, ist not a good word man? what? stand vpon meaning with your freinds. Puh, Absconde.
Why, but stay, stay, how long has this sprightly humor haunted thee?
Foe humour, a foolish naturall gift we haue in the Aequinoctiall.
Naturall, slid it may be supernaturall, this?
Valentine, I prithee ruminate thy selfe welcome. What fortuna de la Guerra.
Sirrah Ingle, I thinke thou hast seene all the strange countries in Christendome since thou wen [...]st?
I haue seene some Iuniper.
You haue seene Constantinople?
I, that I haue.
And Ierusalem, and the Indies, and Goodwine sands, and the tower of Babylon, and Venice and all.
I all; no marle and he haue a nimble tong, if he practise to vault thus from one side of the world to another.
O it's a most heauenly thing to trauel, & see countries, especially at sea, and a man had a pattent not to be sicke.
O sea sicke lest, and full of the scuru [...]e.
Scaene 3.
Valentine? welcome I faith how dost sirra?
How do you good Valentine.
Troth, Valentine, I am glad to see you.
Welcome sweet rogue.
Before God he neuer lookt better in his life.
And how ist man? what, Alla Coragi [...].
Neuer better gentlemen I faith.
S'will here comes the steward.
Why how now fellowes all here? and nobody to waight aboue now they are ready to rise? looke vp one or two Signior Francesco Colomia's man how doo's your good maister.
In health sir he will be here anon.
Is he come home, then?
I sir he is not past sixe miles hence, he sent me before to learne if Count Ferneze were here and returne him word.
Yes, my Lord is here; and you may tel your maister he shal come very happily to take his leaue of Lord Paulo Ferneze: who is now instantly to depart with other noble gentlemen, vpon speciall seruice.
I will tell him sir.
I pray you doe, fellowes make him drinke.
Sirs, what seruice ist they are imployed in?
Why against the French they meane to haue a fling at Millaine againe they say.
Who leades our forces, can you tell?
Marry that do's Signior Maximilian? he is aboue, now.
Who, Maximilian of Vicenza?
I he? do you know him?
Know him? O yes he's an excellent braue soldier.
I so they say, but one of the most vaine glorious men in Europe.
He is indeed, marry exceeding valient.
And that is rare.
What.
Why to see a vaineglorious man valient.
Well he is so I assure you.
What no further yet, come on you precious rascall, sir Valentine, Ile giue you a health I faith; for the heauen [...] you mad Capriceio, hold hooke and line.
Scaene 4.
Scaene 5.
WHere should he be, trow? did you looke in the armory?
No my Lord.
No my Lord.
No my good Lord.
We cannot find him my Lord.
He is not in the armory.
He is not, he is no where, is he?
Count Ferneze ▪
Signior.
Preserue your patience honorable Count.
Ant please your honour.
Tut, tut, leaue pleasing of my honour Diligence, you double with we, come.
How: does he find fault with Please his Honour. Swounds it has begun a seruingmans speech, euer since I belongd to the blew order: I know not how it may shew, now I am in blacke, but—
Whats that, you mutter sir? will you proceed?
Ant like your good Lordship.
Yet more, Gods precious.
What, do not this like him neither?
What say you sir knaue?
Mary I say your Lordship were best to set me to schoole againe, to learne how to deliuer a message.
What do you take exceptions at me then.
Exception? I take no exceptions, but by Gods so your humours—
Go to you are a Raskall, hold your tongue.
Your Lordships poore seruant, I.
Tempt not my patience.
Why I hope I am no spirit, am I?
My Lord, command your Steward to correct the slaue.
Correct him, S'bloud come you and correct him and you haue a minde to it, correct him, that's a good iest I faith, the Steward and you both, come and correct him.
Nay see, away with him, pull his cloth ouer his eares.
Cloth? tell me of your cloth, here's your cloth, nay and I mourne a minute longer, I am the rottenest Onion that euer spake with a tongue.
What call your hind's count Ferneze?
His name is Onion Signior,
I thought him some such sawcy companion.
Signior Maximillian.
Sweet Lord.
Sweet Lord satisfie your selfe, I am not now to learn how to manage my affections, I haue obseru'd, and know the difference betweene a base wretch and a true man, I can distinguish them, the property of the wretch is, he would hurt and cannot, of the man, he can hurt, and will not.
Tut, let me alone. By your fauour, this is the Gentleman I thinke, Sir you appeare to be an honorable Gentleman, I vnderstand, and could wish (for mine owne part) that things were conden't otherwise then they are: but (the world knowes) a foolish fellow, somewhat procliue, and hasty, he did it in a preiudicate humour; mary now vpon better computation, he wanes; he melts; his poore eyes are in a cold sweat. Right noble Signior, you can haue but compunction, I loue the man, tender your compassion.
Doth any man here vnderstand this fellow?
O God sir, I may say frustra to the comprehension of your intellection.
O withall my soule my Lord, is that his motion?
I sir, and we shall retort these kinde fauours with all allacrity of spirit, we can sir, as may be most expedient, as well for the quality as the cause, till when in spight of this complement: I rest a poore Cobler, seruant to my honorable Lord here, your friend and Iuniper.
How Iuniper?
I Signior.
He is a sweete youth, his tongue has a happy turne when he sleepes.
I signior the stay for vs at the gate.
Well tis good. Ladies I will take my leaue of you, Be your fortunes as your selues? faire. Come let vs to horse, Count Ferneza I beare a spirit full of thanks for all your honorable courtesies.
Sir I could wish the number and value of them more in respect of your deseruings. But Signior Maximillian.
I pay you a word in priuate.
I Faith brother you are fitted for a generall yonder, Beshrow my heart (If I had Fortnnatus hat here) and I would not wish my selfe a man and go with you, only t'enioy his presence.
Why do you loue him so well sist [...]r.
No by my troth, but I haue such an odde prety apprehension of his humour me thinks: that I am [...] tickled with the conceite of it.
O he is a fine man.
And me thinks another may be as fine as he.
O Angel [...], do you thinke I do vrge any comparison against you? no, I am not so ill bred, as to be a deprauer of your worthines: beleeue me, if I had not some hope of your abiding with vs, I should neuer desire to go out of black whilst I liued [...] but learne to speake i'the nose, and turne puritan presently.
I thanke you Lady: I know you can flout.
Come doe you take it so? I faith you wrong me.
Why but stay, I beseech you, had your Lordship euer any more sonnes then this.
Why haue not you knowen it Maximilian?
Let my Sword faile me then.
Grieue not sweet Count: comfort your spirts, you haue a sonne a noble gentleman, he stands in the face of honour: For his safety let that be no question. I am maister of my fortune, and he shall share with me. Farewell my honorable Lord. Ladies once more adiew, for your selfe maddam you are a most rare creature, I tell you so, be not proud of it, I loue you: come Lord Paulo to horse.
Adiew good Signior Francesco: farewell sister.
Actus secundi
Scaena prima.
Scaene 2.
Why as thus sir. Your worship may commend him for a fellow fit for consanguinity, and that he shaketh with desire of procreation, or so.
That were not so good, me thinkes.
No sir, why so sir? what if you should say to her, correborate thy selfe sweete soule, let me distinguish thy pappes with my fingers, diuine Mumps, prety Pastorella? lookest thou so sweet and bounteous? comfort my friend [...]
Well I perceiue you wish, I should say something m [...]y do him grace, and further hi [...] desires, and that be [...] I will.
I thanke you sir, God saue your life, I pray God sir.
Your worship [...] good to liue long [...] contaminate me no seruice▪
Command thou wouldest say, no good Iuniper.
Health and wealth sir.
Scaene 3.
Scaene. 4.
Scaene 6.
Scaene 7.
Scaene 8.
I cannot resolue you? tis as I am fitted with the ingenuity, quantity, or quality of the cudgell.
How dost thou bastinado the poore cudgell with tearmes?
O Ingle, I haue the phrases man, and the Anagrams and the Epitaphs, fitting the mistery of the noble science.
Ile be hangd & he were not misbegotten of some fencer.
Sirrah Valentine, you can resolue me now, haue they their maisters of defence in other countries as we haue here in Italy?
O Lord, I, especially they in Vtopia, there they performe their prizes and chalenges, with as great cerimony as the Italian or any nation else.
Indeed? how is the manner of it (for gods loue) good Valentine?
Ingle? I prithee make recourse vnto vs, wee are thy friends and familiars: sweet Ingle.
Why thus sir.
God a mercy good Valentine, nay go on.
Silentium bonus socius Onionus, good fellow Onion be not so ingenious, and turbulent: so sir? and how? how sweete Ingle?
Marry, first they are brought to the publicke Theater:
What? ha? they Theater there
Theaters? I and plaies to: both tragidy and comedy & set foorth with as much state as can be imagined?
By Gods so; a man is nobody, till he has trauelled.
And how are their plaies? as ours are? extemporall?
O no? all premeditated things, and some of them very good I faith, my maister vsed to visite them often when he was there.
Why how are they in a place where any man may see them?
I, in the common Theaters, I tell you. But the sport is at a new play to obserue the sway and variety of oppinion that passeth it. A man shall haue such a confus'd mixture of iudgement, powr'd out in the throng there, as ridiculous, as laughter it selfe: one saies he likes not the writing, another likes not the plot, another not the playing. And sometimes a fellow that comes not there past once in fiue yeare at a Parliament time or so, will be as deepe myr'd in censuring as the best, and sweare by Gods foote he would neuer stirre his foote to see a hundred such as that is.
I must trauell to see these things, I shall nere think well of my selfe else.
Fellow Onion, Ile beare thy charges and thou wilt but pilgrimize it along with me, to the land of Vtopia.
Why but me thinkes such rookes as these should be asham'd to iudge.
Not a whit? the rankest stinkard of them all, will take vpon him as peremptory, as if he had writ himselfe in artibus magister.
And do they stand to a popular censure for any thing they present.
I euer, euer, and the people generally are very acceptiue and apt to applaud any meritable worke, but there are two sorts of persons that most commonly are infectious to a whole auditory.
What be they?
I come lets know them.
It were good they were noted.
Marry? one is the rude barbarous crue a people that haue no braines, and yet grounded iudgements, these will hisse [Page] any thing that mounts aboue their grounded capacities. But the other are worth the obseruation, I faith.
What be they? what be they?
Faith a few Caprichious gallants.
Caprichious? stay, that word's for me.
And they haue taken such a habit of dislike in all things, that they will approue nothing, be it neuer so conceited or elaborate, but sit disperst, making faces, and spitting, wagging their vpright eares and cry filthy, filthy. Simply vttering their owne condition, and vsing their wryed countenances in stead of a vice, to turne the good aspects of all that shall sit neere them, from what they behold.
Ingle Valentine?
Not I sir, I professe it not.
Sebastian.
Balthasar.
Who? I?
Come, but one bout, Ile giue hem thee, I faith.
Why, heres Martino.
Foe he, alas he cannot play a whit, man.
That's all one: no more could you in stata quo prius, Martino, play with him, euery man has his beginning and conduction.
Will you not hurt me fellow Onion?
By your fauor sweet bullies giue them roome, back, so, Martino, do not looke so thin vpon the matter.
Ha, well plaid, fall ouer to my legge now? so▪ to your guard againe, excellent, to my head now, make home your blow: spare not me, make it home, good, good againe.
Why how now Peter?
Gods so, Onion has caught a bruise.
Couragio? be not caprichio [...]s? what?
Caprichio [...]s? not I, I scorn to be caprichious for a scrach, Martino must haue another bout, come.
No, no, play no more, play no more.
Foe, tis nothing, a philip, a deuise, fellow Iuniper prithee get me a Plantan, I had rather play with one that had skil by halfe.
By my troth, fellow Onion, twas against my will.
Not a bout, not a stroke.
No more, no more.
Why Ile giue you demonstration, how it came, Thou openest the dagger to falsifie ouer with the back sword frick, and he interrupted, before he could fall to the close.
No, no, I know best how it was better thē any man here, I felt his play presently: for looke you, I gathered vpon him thus, thus do you see? for the double locke, and tooke it single on the head.
He sayes very true, he tooke it single on the head.
Come lets go.
Here fellow Onion, heres a cob-web.
How? a cob-web Martino, I will haue another bout with you? S'wounds do you first breake my head, and then giue me a plaister in scorne? come to it, I will haue a bout.
God's my witnesse.
Tut! your witnesse cannot serue.
S'bloud? why what, thou art not lunatike, art thou? and thou bee'st auoide Mephostophiles. Say the signe should be in Aries now: as it may be for all vs, where were your life? Answere me that?
Hee sayes well, Onion.
I indeed doo's he.
Come, come, you are a foolish Naturalist, go, get a white a of an egge, and a little flax, and close the breach of the [Page] head, it is the most conducible thing that can be. Marti [...], do not insinuate vpon your good fortune, but play an honest part and beare away the bucklers.
Act. 3.
Scaene 1.
Scaene 2.
Scaene 3.
Scaene 7.
Scaene 5.
Actus 3.
Scaene 1.
Lord Chamount and your valient friend there▪ I cannot say welcome to Millaine: your thoughts and that word are not musicall, but I can say you are come to Millaine.
Mort d [...]ew.
Gar soone.
Gentlemen (I would cal an Emperour so) you are now my prisoners, I am sorry, marry this, spit in the face of your fortunes, for your vsage shall be honorable.
It shall do so still I assure you, and I will giue you reason, there is in this last action (you know) a noble gentleman of our party, & a right valient; semblably prisoner to your general, as your honor'd selfe's to me, for whose safety, this tongue hath giuen warrant to his honorable father, the Count Ferneze. You conceiue me.
I signior.
Well? then I must tell you your ransomes be to redeeme him, what thinke you? your answer.
Mounsieur Gasper (I take it so is your name) misprise me not, I wil trample on the hart, on the soule of him that shall say, I will wrong you: what I purpose, you cannot now know; but you shall know, and doubt not to your contentment. Lord Chamount, I will leaue you, whilest I go in and present my selfe to the honorable Count, till my regression so please you, your noble feete may measure this priuate, pleasant and most princely walke, Souldiers regard them and respect them.
O Ver bon: excellenta gull, he tak'a my Lord Chamount for Mounsieur Gaspra, & Mounsieur Gaspra for my Lord Chamont, ô dis be braue for make a me laugh'a, ha, ha, ha, ô my heart tickla.
True my honorable Lord, that Chamont was the father of this man.
Signior perceiue you the errour? twas no good office in vs to stretch the remembrance of so deere a losse. Count Ferneze, let sommer sit in your eye, looke cheerefully sweete Count, will you do me the honour to confine this noble spirit within the circle of your armes?
Noble Lord, tis thus. I haue here (in mine honour) set this gentleman free, without ransome, he is now himselfe, his valour hath deseru'd it, in the eye of my iudgement. Mounsieur Gasper you are deere to me: fortuna non mutuat genus. But to the maine, if it may square with your Lordships liking, and his loue, I could desire that he were now instantly imployed to your noble Generall in the exchange of Ferneze for your selfe, it is the businesse that requires the tender hand of a friend.
True my Lord. Mounsieur Gasper, how stand you affected to this motion?
Why there is good harmony, good musicke in this▪ Mounsieur Gasper, you shall protract no time, onely I will giue you a bowle of rich wine to the health of your Generall, another to the successe of your iourney, and a third to the loue of my sword.
Good faith me thinkes that this young Lord Chamont fauours my mother, sister, does he not?
O I am vext, he th [...]e would trust any of these lying trauellers.
I thanke you good signior Parla vou? O that I were in an other world, in the Ingies, or some where, that I might haue roome to laugh.
Nay pray, sir.
O me shall doe presently, stand you deere, you signior deere, my selfe is here: so sort bein, now I parle to Mounseir Onion, Onion pratla to you, you speaka to me, so, and as you parle chang the bonet, Mounseir Onion.
Mounseiur Finio.
Mounseur Pacue.
Pray b [...] couera.
Nay I beseech you sir.
What do you meane.
Pardon moy, shall be so,
O God sir.
Not I in good faith sir.
By gar you must.
It shall be yours.
Nay then you wrong me,
Well and euer I come to be great▪
You be big enough for de Onion already,
I meane a great man.
Then thou'dst be a monster.
Well God knowes not what fortune may doe, commaund me, vse me from the soule to the crowne, and the crowne to the soule: meaning not onely from the crowne of the head, and the sole of the foot, but also the foote of the mind and the crownes of the purse, I cannot stay now yong gentlemen but—time was, time is, and time shall be.
Fellow Iuniper, no more of thy songs and sonets, sweet Iuniper, no more of thy hymnes and madrigals, thou sing'st, but I sigh.
Whats the matter Peter ha? what in an Academy still, still in sable, and costly black array? ha?
Prithee rise mount, mount sweet Iuniper, for I goe downe the wind, and yet I puffe: for I am vext.
Ha Bully? vext? what intoxicate? is thy braine in a [Page] quintescence? an Idea? a metamorphosis? an Apology? ha rogue? come this loue feeds vpon thee, I see by thy cheekes, and drinkes healthes of vermilion, teares I see by thine eyes.
I confesse Cupids carouse, he plaies super negulum with my liquor of life
Tut, thou art a goose to be Cupids gull, go to, no more of this contemplations, & calculations, mourne not, for Rachels thine owne
For that let the higher powers worke: but sweet Iuniper, I am not sad for her, and yet for her in a second person, or if not so, yet in a third.
How second person? away, away, in the crotchets already Longitude and Latitude? what second? what person? ha?
Iuniper, Ile bewray my selfe before thee, for thy company is sweet vnto me, but I must entreat thy helping hand in the case.
Tut? no more of this surquedry; I am thine owne? ad vngem vpsie freeze: pell mell, come, what case? what case?
For the case it may be any mans case, aswell as mine, Rachel I meane, but Ile medle with her anon, in the meane time, Valentine is the man hath wrongd me.
How? my Ingle wrong thee, ist possible?
Your Ingle, hang him infidell, well and if I be not reuengd one him let Peter Onion (by the infernall Gods) be turned to a leeke or a scalion, I spake to him for a ditty for this handkerchier.
Why, has he not done it?
Done it, not a verse by this hand.
O in diebus illis, O preposterous, wel come be blith, the best inditer of thē al is somtimes dul, fellow Onion, pardon mine Ingle: he is a man, has impefections and declinations, as other men haue, his masse somtimes cannot caruet nor prognisticat and come of, as it should, no matter, Ile hammer our a paraphrase for thee my selfe.
No sweet Iuniper, no danger doth breed delay, loue [Page] makes me chollericke, I can b [...]re no longer.
Not beare? what my mad Meridian slaue? not beare? what?
Cupids burden: tis to heauy▪ to tollerable, and as for the handkerchire and the posie: I will not trouble thee: but if thou wilt goe with me into her fathers bookside, old Iaques backside, and speake for me to Rachel, I wil not being ratitude, the old man is abroad and all.
Art thou sure on't.
As sure as an obligation.
Lets away then, come we spend time in a vaine circumference, trade I cashire thee til to morrow, fellow Onion for thy sake I finish this workiday.
God a mercy▪ and for thy sake Ile at any time make a holiday.
I in any case mistres Rachel.
Rachel?
Gods pitty signior Angelo, I here my father, away for Gods sake.
S'bloud, I am betwixt, I thinke, this is twice now, I haue been serued thus.
Pray God he meet him not.
O braue? she's yonder, O terrible shee's gone.
Yea? so nimble in your Dilemma's, and your Hiperbole's Hay my loue? O my loue, at the first sight: By the masse.
O how she skudded, O sweet scud, how she tripped, O delicate trip and goe.
Come thou art enamored with the influence of her profundity, but sirrah harke a little.
O rare, what? what? passing Ifaith, what ist? what ist?
What wilt thou say now, if Rachel stand now, and play hity tity through the keyhole, to behold the equipage of thy person:
O sweet equipage, try good Iuniper, tickle her, talke, talke, O? rare
No, Ile knock, weele not stand vpon Horizons, and tricks, but fall roundly to the matter.
Well said sweet Iuniper: Horizons? hang hem? knock, knock.
Whose there? father.
Father no? and yet a father, if you please to be a mother.
Well said Iuniper, to her againe, a smack or two more of the mother
Do you here? sweet soule, sweet radamant? sweet mathauell one word Melpomine? are you at leasure.
At leasure? what to do▪
To doe what, to doe nothing, but to be liable to the extasie of true loues exigent, or so, you smell my meaning.
Smell, filthy, fellow Iuniper filthy? smell? O most odious.
How filthy.
Filthy, by this finger? smell? smell a rat, smel a pudding, away these tricks are for truls, a plaine wench loues plaine dealing, ile vpon my selfe, smel to march paine wench.
With all my heart, Ile be legitimate and silent as anapple-squire, Ile see nothing, and say nothing.
Sweet hart, sweet hart?
And bag pudding, ha, ha, ha?
What Rachel my girle what Rachel;
Gods lid▪
What Rachel,
Here I am
What rakehell cals Rachel: O treason to my loue.
Its her father on my life, how shall wee entrench and edifie our selues from him?
O conni-catching Cupid.
Why Rachel: when I say: let loose my dog? garlique my mastiue, let him loose I say.
For Gods sake here me speake, keepe vp your cur.
I feare not garlique, heele not bite Onion his kinsman, pray God he come out, and then theile not smell me.
well then deliuer, come deliuer slaue?
What should I deliuer?
O thou wouldst haue me tell thee? wouldst thou shew me thy hands, what hast thou in thy hands?
Here be my hands.
Stay are not thy fingers ends begrimd with durt, no thou hast wipt them.
Wipt them?
I thou villaine? thou art a subtile knaue, put off thy shewes, come I will see them, giue me a knife here Rachel, Ile rip the soles.
No matter he's a cobler, he can mend them.
What are you mad? are you detestable, would you make an Anatomy of me, thinke you I am not true Ortographie?
Ortographie, Anatomy?
For Gods sake be not so inuiolable▪ I am no ambuscado, what predicament call you this, why do you intimate so much.
I can feele nothing.
Bir Lady but Onion feeles something.
Soft sir, you are not yet gon, shake your legs, come, and your armes, be briefe, stay let me see these drums, these kilderkins, these bombard slops, what is it crams hem so.
Nothing but haire.
Thats true, I had almost forgot this rug, this hedg hogs nest, this haymowe, this beares skin, this heath, this firsbush.
O let me goe, you teare my haire, you reluolue my [Page] braines and vnderstanding.
Nay, be briefe and declare, stand not vpon conodrums now, thou knowest what contagious speeches I haue sufferd for thy sake and he should come againe and inuent me here.
And thou hadst smelt the sent of me when I was in the tree, thou wouldest not haue said so: but Sirra, The case is alterd with me, my heart has giuen loue a box of the eare, made him kicke vp the heeles I faith.
Sayest thou me so, mad Greeke? how haps it? how chances it.
I cannot hold it, Iuniper, haue an eye, looke, haue an eye to the doore, the old prouerb's true, I see: gold is but mucke. Nay Gods so Iuniper to the doore, an eye to the maine chance, here you slaue, haue an eye.
O inexorable! ô infallible! ô infricate deuine, and superficiall fortune.
Nay, it will be sufficient anon, here, looke heere.
O insolent good lucke! How didst thou produce th'intelligence of the gold mynerals.
Ile tell you that anon, heere, make shift, conuey, cramme.
Ile teach you how you shall call for garlike againe I faith.
S'bloud what shall we do with all this? we shall nere bring it to a consumption.
Consumption? why weele bee most sumptuously attir'd, man.
By this gold, I will haue three or foure most stigmaticall suites presently.
Ile go in my foot-cloth, Ile turne Gentleman:
So will I.
But what badge shall we giue, what cullison?
As for that lets vse the infidelity and commiseration of some harrot of armes, he shall giue vs a gudgeon.
A gudgeon? a scutheon thou wouldst say, man.
A scuicheon or a gudgeon, all is one.
Well, our armes be good inough, lets looke to our legges.
Content, weele be iogging.
Rachel? we retire: garlike God boy ye.
Farewell sweete Iaques.
Farewell sweete Rachel, sweet dogge adiew.
O Mounsieur, no point villaine▪ braue Che [...]lier, Mounsieur Gasper.
Mo [...]usieur Gasper, on what occasion did they change their names, what was their policy, or their pre [...]e [...].
Me canno tell, par ma foy Mounsieur.
My honorable Lord.
Tut tut, be silent.
Silent? Count Fern [...]ze, I tell thee if A [...]ath the great Turke were here I would speake, and he should here me:
So will not I.
By my fathers hand, but thou shalt Count, I say till this instant, I was neuer toucht in my reputation: here me you shall knowe that you haue wrongd me, and I wil make you acknowledge it, if I cannot my sword shall.
Nay, thou shalt want no torture, so resolue, bring him away.
But in good sadnesse Signior, do you thinke Chamount will returne?
Do I see your face, Lady?
I sure, If loue haue not blinded you.
That is a question, but I will assure you no, I can see, and yet loue is in mine eye: well, the Count your father simply hath dishonor'd me: and this steele shall engraue it on his burgonet.
Nay, sweet Signior.
But Signior Angelo. Where wil your selfe and Rachel stay for me, after the iest is ended?
Masse, that's true, at the old Priory behinde S. Foyes.
Agreed, no better place, ile meete you there.
Shut fast my doore, a golden crowne, Iaques shall be a king.
O heer's a sweet metamorphosis, a cupple of buzzards turn'd to a paire of peacocks.
Signior Onion, lend me thy boy to vnhang my rapier:
Signior Iuniper for once or so, but troth is, you must inueigle, as I haue done, my Lords page here a poor folower of mine.
Hel ho, [...]our page then sha'not be super intendent vpon me? he shall not be addicted? he shall not be incident? [...]e shall not be incident? he shall not be incident, shall he?
O sweet signior Iuniper.
Sbloud stand away princocks? do not aggrauate my ioy.
Nay good Maister. Onion.
Nay and he haue the heart to draw my bloud, let him come.
Ile slice you Onion, Ile slice you?
Ile cleaue you Iuniper.
Why hold, hold, [...]ough? what do you meane?
Let him come Ingle, stand by boy, his allebaster blad [Page] cannot feare me.
Why heare you sweet signior, let not there be any contētion, betweene my Maister & you, about me, if you want a page sir, I can helpe you to a proper stripling.
Canst thou? what parentage? what ancestry? what genealogy is he?
A french boy sir.
Has he his French linguist? has he?
I, sir.
Then transport him: her's a crusado for thee.
You will not, imbecell my seruant with your beneuolence will you, hold boy their's a portmantu for thee.
Lord sir.
Do take it boy, its three pounds ten shill. a portmantu.
I thanke your Lordship.
Sirrah Ningle: thou art a traueller, and I honour thee. I prithee discourse? cherish thy muse? discourse?
Of what sir?
Of what thou wilt. Sbloud? hang sorrow?
Prithy Valentine a [...]loile me one thing.
Tis pitty to soile you sir, your new apparell.
Masse thou saist true, aparel makes a man forget himself.
Begin, find your tongue Ningle.
Now will gull these ganders rarely: Gentlemen hauing in my peregrinatiō through Mesopotamia.
He thought your name had been, we yong gentlemen, you must do more then his legges can do for him, beare with him sir.
Sirrah giue me instance of your carriage? youle serue my turne, will you?
What? turne vpon the toe.
O signior no.
Page will you follow me, ile giue you good exhibition.
By gar, shal not alone follow you, but shal leade you to.
Plaguie boy, he sooths his humour? these french villaines ha pockie wits.
Here? disarme me? take my semitary.
O rare, this would be a rare man, and he had a little trauell, Balthasar, Martino, put off your shooes, and bid him coble them.
Freinds, friends, but pardon me for fellows, no more in occupation, no more in corporation, tis so pardon me, the case is alterd, this is law, but ile stand to nothing.
Fat so me [...]inke.
Well then God saue the dukes Maiesty, is this any harme now? speake, is this any harme now.
No nor good neither, Sbloud?
Do you laugh at me? do you laugh at me? do you laugh at me?
I sir, we do.
You do indeed?
I indeed sir.
Tis sufficient, Page carry my purse, dog me?
Gentlemen leaue him not, you see in what case he is, he is not in aduersity, his purse is full of money, leaue him not?
I and that Rachel, such a vertuous mayd, should be thus stolne away.
And that my gold, being so hid in earth, should bee found out.
O confusion of languages, & yet no tower of Babel!
Ladies, beshrew me, if you come not fit to make a iangling consort, will you laugh to see three constant passions.
Stand by, I will vrge them, sweet Count, will you be comforted.
My Lord? I deliuered as much before, but your honour would not be perswaded, I will hereafter giue more obseruance to my visions? I drempt of this.
What meanes he to depart, Count Ferneze, vpon my soule this begger, this begger is a counterlait: vrge him? didst thou loose gold?
Stay Iaques stay? the case still alters?
Hinds sir? Sbloud and that word will beare action, it shall cost vs a thousand pound a peece, but weele be reuenged.
I sir, but it is knowen they proued ridiculus, they did pilfer, they did purloine, they did procrastinate our purses, for the which wasting of our stocke, we haue put thē to the stocks.
Well, I will now sweare the case is alterd. Lady fare you well, I will subdue my aff [...]ctions, Maddam (as for you) you are a profest virgin, and I will be silent, my honorable Lord Fern [...]ze ▪ it shall become you at this time not be frugall, but bounteous, and open handed, your fortune hath been so to you Lord Ch [...]ount.
You are now no stranger, you must be welcome, you haue a faire amiable and splendius Lady: but signior Paulo, signior Camillo, I know you valiant? be louing: Lady I must be better knowne to you, signiors for you, I passe you not: though I let you passe; for in truth I passe not of you, louers to your nuptials, Lordings to your dances. March faire al, for a faire March, is worth a kings ransome.—