[Page] PLAINE PERCEVALL THE Peace-Maker of England. SWEETLY INDEVORING WITH HIS blunt persuasions to botch vp a Reconcilia­tion between MAR-TON and Mar-Tother. Compiled by lawfull art, that is to say, without witch craft, or sorcery: and referred specially to the Meridian and pole Artichocke of Nomans Land: but may serue generally without any great error, for more Countries then Ile speake of.

Quis furor aut hos, Aut hos, arma sequi, ferrúmque lacessere iussit.

Printed in Broad-streete at the signe of the Pack-staffe.

TO THE NEW VP-START MARTIN, AND THE MISBEGOTTEN HEIRES OF HIS body: his ouerthwart neighbor, Mar-Martin, Mar-Mar-Martin, and so foorth following the Traulila-lilismus, as farre as Will Solnes stuttring pro­nunciation may stumble ouer at a breath: To all Whip Iohns, and Whip Iackes: not forgetting the Caualiero Pasquill, or the Cooke Russian, that drest a dish for Mar­tins diet, Marforius and all Cutting Hussnufs, Roisters, and the residew of light singred younkers, which make eue­ry word a blow, and euery booke a bobbe: Perceuall the Peace-Maker of England, wisheth grace to the one party, of the other Parish: and peace stichd vp in a Gaberdine without pleat or wrinckle, to the other party of this Parish.

I Would it had bin PERCEVALS hap, to haue com to the beginning of a friendly feast, or to the latter ending of so dan­gerous a fraye. And I thought I had bin faire for it at the first: for plodding through Alders­gate, all armed as I was, with a quarter Ashe [Page] staffe on my shoulder, and an emptie belly vnder my northern belt, I spied me, a large P. with a wide mouth like a porradge pott, and being quicksented thrust forward on the trale, and found it was Papp. But I can­not tell, what the goodere came into my minde, but somewhat it was, that persuaded me to trie before I tasted, and looke before I licked: And though my sharpset-stomach would haue straight fell into acquaintance, by reason of some auncient familiaritie be­tweene a western fellow, and a whitpot: yet bearing a braine as well as a belly, I stood sauntring ouer it, like a whelp that had scal­ded his mouth with lapping vp hotte water Grewell: till I found that it was no meat in­deed for PERCEVALL, but rather a bone for MARTIN to digest, if his stomach wold serue him: for though the first ladlefull had a smacke as soft as pap, the next morsell, a taste as sweet as a fig, and so forth: yet I see he that was Cooke and Cater, thought to feed MARTIN with these nunchiōs, as men feed Apes: with a bit & a boxe on the eare. [Page] Why but soft maisters, faire plaie and no snatching: is your feasting turned to a fray? put vp, put vp your weapons, and be some wiser then some. They were neuer tall fel­lows of their hands that were such hacksters in the street: nor euer prooued old wringers indeed, that sell out at their belly mettall. Go to MARTIN, go to: I know a man is a man, though he haue but a hose on his head (& thou hast a close house on thine) but the greatest quarrellers meet often with their ouer-match. Putcase thou hadst a good cause (as alas I am a plaine fellow and not giuen to swearing) yet a couple of these late Roysters would marre ten MARTINS, at the cracking of a stage Iest. They haue pla­guy Clubfists, the one with his Counter-Cuffe, the other with his Country Cuffe, would quickly make a blew MARTIN. And you on the other side: what neede all this stir? this banding of kilcowes to fight with a shadow? If I were at home, within the pre­cinctes of mine owne domination, I would charge you in Gods name and the Queens, [Page] to put vp your whinyards, you are men inough, able to deale one to one at handi­gripes, come cut and long taile: why should you offer to take the aduātage of the high­er ground? Truly, truly, I will present you at the law day for a ryot, though I be neither side man for this Meridian, nor Warden, but to ward my selfe as I walke. There is more danger in breaking the Queenes Maiesties peace, then you are aware of. That mad companion MARTIN, you know, plaies least in sight, and serues you, as Aeneas ser­ued Turnus, to make him fight with a mist in steed of a man: he doth but send his picture, to make triall of your affection towards him, as (my boy at home saies) Heliogaba­lus did, to search the humors of the Roman Senate. If you had vsed his Image somwhat more gentlie, within this space, hee would haue appeared in his likenes, incarnated or incased in some knaues skin or other I war­rant you: beare with one grosse terme, so as I make no custome of it. Come on therfore MARTIN and the rest, house your selues [Page] in the next Tauerne, I will set my selfe (not a knaue betweene two honest men) but as a good fellow, betwixt the shadow of MAR­TIN, and the naturall shape of your selues, to trie whether I can stint this, Hold my dagger from your throat, or no.

Yours if you like me: mine owne if you strike me. P. P. P.

[Page 1] HE was a tender harted fellow, though his luck were but hard, which hasting to take vp a quarrell, by the high way side, betwéen a brace, of Saint Ni­cholas Clargie men: was so curteously imbraced on both parties, thas he tendered his purse for their truce, and swapt away his siluer for Copper retaile. Such copsmates would be examined, if it were but for Alcumist: & such a kind hart Chronicled, if it were but for a foole.

All this wind shakes none of my Corne, quoth Per­ceuall, whereupon Gossip Reason the chiefe actor in the pageant of my braine, and high speaker in the Par­lament of my deuise, began this motherly, and well powdered tale. The medling Ape, that like a tall wood cleauer, assaying to rend a twopenny billet in two pée­ces, did wedge in his pettitoes, so fast, betwéen the two clefts, that he stucke by the féete for a saie: and remai­ned foorth comming at the discretion of those, whose oc­cupation he enchrochd vpon before he was frée: Short though were his prentiship, did he not pay for his lear­ning? Tush Perceuall, hath no felicitie in these capti­ous Intergatories. And therefore good swéete Tenant Reason, speake plainely, and say Landlord mine (giue euery man his right) he that thrusts his finger betwéen the barke and the trée, is like to be pinched: Counter­fet Martin, or Counter Martin, let them fight or be frinds, with a knaues name: encounter not them, they be like Gins, they carry fier in their harts, and death in their mouths. If they get thée within their reach: thou must come to knokham faire, and what bewtéene the block & the béetle, be thumpd like a stockfish, now gand­mer are not these your examples moralized? Pithy [Page 2] stufe to kéepe a man from crossing the bowling Alley, for feare of a broken shin. Or it moues me as much as Two ancient standers, that Senior and the post. the fatherly rebuke of an old stander, moude that vni­uersity post, which séemed to take the wall of a Senior. I cannot though you should bind me to such a stubborn post, as that graue student met with in the darke, but carry one bucket of water, when I heare the bels ring backward, and the fire runne forward. They were in a fault, where the fire first began': but first and last, helpe, quench all; or else these high flying sparks will light on the heads of vs all, and kindle in our bedstraw, if other folkes lodging be no better then mine. Well fare London yet, for a policie besides water (which they put in practise too lately, the more was the pitty:) pull downe the houses burning, lest they catch hold on their neighbors. I, but you talke of cost, and commission. That tricke would aske a long pole and a hoke, and my quarter stafe is too short, except a man stood on tiptoe. But now I remember my selfe, neuer will I ouer­straine my strength, nor play at hand ouer head so high, but where I may féele sure footing.

Giue me my spectacles, that I may sée whether I dreame, or whether these sights be all in good sadnes, which I behold, sometime these madcaps be at a fray: sometimes at a feast: it makes no matter whether it be plaine dealing or iugling, take them at the best, and sit downe to their banket. And sith Martin and his brood hath furnished the first course, with sundry di­shes, & saweed them throughly: and againe his heauie frinds Pasquill, Marforius, and the fresh Cater of late, haue counter coursd him, with messes somewhat hoat of the spice: (for the Pay had corns of long Pepper as big as a hatchet:) I follow like a plaine dunstable Groome, with salt and spoones on a trencher. Indéede you say true, Sal sapit omnia: and seruice without salt, [Page 3] by the rite of England, is a Cuckholds sée, if he claime it. Go to then, and take salt to your soppes, least sorrow attaint them. Make brine for your bull biefe, that it may sucke out those swelling corrupt affections that re­maine some what rancke in the flesh. As for my spoons, those I brought, that I & my companions might haue one slap at the Spoone meat, wherein Martin boasted Martin cald his argu­ments spoon meat in his protest. his Cookery: and the other set out their skill. They had néede be large long Spoons (say you) if I come to féed with such whipsters. Let me alone, for my actiuity, at the dish meat, and a long arme, though my scoope be the shorter. Perceuall, you are somewhat a mery man, as well as the rest, according to your homely Countrey fashion. Mary sir, there is somewhat in it beside true working, and a Gods name, quoth the good-man, that checkt his wife, for hopping about the house, and telling what the schollers of Oxford paid for their good cheare: when he no sooner stept ouer the threshold, but fell into the same tune and taking; and about they went. My Masters be ware of Martins circle, for if his frinds or his foes chop into it vnawares, they are like to daunce after his pipe, and set themselues vpon a miry pinne, (for so doth he) till his vnderpinning will faile him, I doubt.

Come on Martin, put out (as the passenger said to the Miller) not a knaues head, no kéepe in, thou art wiser then so, yet if wind doe not faile thée, thy late Customers, which play more sacks to the mill, haue brought greists or iests at least wise to be ground. If thy mill stones be not worne too blunt, for want of pec­king, there is picking meat for thée: make meale of it, and take large tole to the enriching of the Tolbot thou talkest off.

Martin me thinks the clacke of thy mill, is some­what noisome to the whole countrey, thou liuest in; [Page 4] either thou art well set en worke, or else, thou hast wind at will to thy sailes.

I pray thée make once an auricular confession, tell me in mine eare: is the desire of Reformation so déep­ly imprinted in thine hart, as the terme is often prin­ted in thy papers? Is it conscience or lucre, that spur­gals thy hackney pen, to force it take so high a hedge, as thou leapest at? I haue séene as mad a trick as this, when a Rancke rider hath put his horse to a hedge, and lay in the ditch for his labor. Thy foming mealy mouth betokeneth stomacke, and yoong vnbridled fits, for all that fatherly countenance, & graue vizard which sometimes thou vsest to plead the cause of thy Refor­mation vnder. No no, you vse the nostrils too much, and to many vnseasoned frumps, to come of that raze, that sincerely in time of superstition required Reformati­on. Whow? I go about to disgrace thée? No no I come but by the way of intreaty, as it were with a becke to admonish thée, that thou putst the wrong foote before, and therefore pull backe. Yet beare with me, if I doubt whether all be gold that glistereth, sith Saint Martins rings be but Copper within, though they be gilt with­out, sayes the Goldsmith. Idle termes came neuer from Saint Paul, nor reprochfull taunts from Michaell: yet S. Paul, no doubt, was mery in his daies: and the Arch­angell, you know, was at controuersie with the Diuell. Here againe whow? nay if I trot so heauily, I am nei­ther for Martins riding, nor these thrée new mery mens reading. Gape Martin that I may sée thy age, but take héed, thou bite me not: I thought so: the marke is not out of thy mouth, for thou hast a Colts tooth in thine head still: if thou wilt haue it drawne by fowle means, these Roisters haue béetles to knocke it out: if gently, let me be thy tooth drawer, I haue a kind hart of mine owne, and that name hath béen good at such [Page 5] a practise heretofore.

Take héede Martin, a horse may ouer reach in a true pace, and thou play the foole though thou shouldst haue a good matter in hand. As for my part, I come not to take any part, I am none of those, which loue fending and proouing, if I can part you but for the time present, I am at my Iourneies end. Let the higher officers ex­amine the cause, and find the fault (if al be true thou tal­kest of) where it is: yet (as a wel bearded Poet taught a Quéene to speake in a Latine Enterlude) Etsi causa repetentis bona, Mala sic perentis est. Out vpon thée Per­ceuall, what gibberish is that? what, what, latine in the mouth of a plaine fellow? Nay I wot néere, but it hath left behind it a wale in my throate like a strange body­louse in an vnknowne pasture. Wel Martin, Sustine pro­nunc, stand by a trice, but looke you depart not the court, in paine of mine Indignation. Thou shalt perceiue that like a good sempster, I can cut euen by a thréed, and part this quarrell without partiality. If I vse indifferency, call me not Iohn Indifferent now, for my good will: or if I lay my helping hand, to the cure of such a broile, without breach of peace, or danger of riot; say not thou as an olde Pasquill said being in a traunce of that fa­mouse and modest Clarke Erasmus, that I hang houe­ring in the mid way betwixt heauen and hell: He no doubt, misused, for fancie sake the memory of a good man deceased: and thou in so saying shouldst mistake the good meaning of one wel Disposed. Stand by I say, till thy turne comes about againe,

Now, my Countrey men on the other part, make your appearance, thinke not skorne that Perceuall, is somewhat in your tops, my sirname is Peace-Maker, one that is but poorely regarded in England, bicause Peace hath béen long plentifull: but yet one that may speake with some authority, as long as our most roiall [Page 6] Peace-Mistres holds the sterne (which God grant long she may.) That faire, and fairest flower, in our garland, if she should faile: then were it high time for Perceuall and all Peace-Makers, to put vp their pipes, or else in stéed of the soft violine, learne to sound a shrill trumpet. Well then, let a poore mans tale be hard amongst you. Martin is the man and the marke you shoot your forked arrowes at: if you strike his face, you can raise no skin, for his forhead is brasse: nor fetch vp his blood, bicause he is giuen to blush no more thē my black dog at home: welfare a faire face vpon an ill paire of shoulders yet: if you pearce his hart, you can doo him little harme, for he is liude like a Cat: strike his toong, the biternes of the same, will trace out the Author of the wound, like the fish Torpedo, which being towchd, sends her venime alongst line and angle rod, till it cease on the finger, and so mar a fisher for euer. Fie, fie, will you vpon a spléen, run vpon a Christen body, with full cry and open mouth? Though indéed I cannot blame you, sith his procéedings were so vnchristianlike, if you tooke him for a Monster, or a Maddog: and so went about to worme him: but I am afraide such a carelesse curre, is cureles: wormeséede and reasons will doo him no good: and for other remedies that might come by insicion, his wormeaten Cōscience refuseth, (as Dionysius did the hands of his Barbar, for feare lest mistaking his beard, he would haue cut his throat) and therefore kéeps him out of your Clutches. Yt were good to kéepe such a Cur in awe, but alas hurt him not, for a dogs mouth is me­dicineable, (they say:) Verum est, if he bite not where he should licke, I am answered. But here is such like­ning Christianfolks to dogs; that I cannot away with it. Shall we haue neighbors children, lie skufling in the kennel together by the eares like bride well birds? it is as good as a beare bayting for them, which loue [Page 7] neither, to sée either Nouze other so bedlemlike. Neuer a beadle sturring? nor bear-heard at hand to put his staffe in the mouth of the beare, or pull off these dogs? This will proue foule play: whosoeuer get the victo­rie, Seu vincas, seu vincêris, maculêre necesse est si: the rest was at my fingers end: but fare well it, since it is gone: Beare with my shittle remembrance. I doe not thinke, though Martin and you be of diuerse Pa­rishes, but you be all of one Church, saile all in one ship, and dwell all in one Common-wealth. Nay you are all good subiects, or else I would the woorst were curbd with a checkthong, as bigge as a towpenny hal­ter, for halting with a Queene so good and gratious. All this hart burning betwéene you, is but about the bounds of the Parish, and the limits of the Church lands. Let the yoouth be content to be infourmed of the Mearstones, by the Auncientry of the Parish: and not continew such bustling, backbiting, with facing & defacing one another to the vttermost: this is Spight, and not Spirit, or if it be, it is some spightfull Spirit. It were enough to entitle those Browne sectaries of the Blacke Prince, with the name of traytors, and not to cast them like squibs & wild fire within your owne hatches, and the body of your owne Common-wealth. Mary who began (say you:) Martin cald traytor first, he spake lauishly, and must heare as knauishly. Now the blood is vp; he that hath most gall in his garbage, thinks to win the goale. And he that hath most toong powder hopes to driue the other out of the field first. I could tell these eager younsters, how they might be euen with their Aduersary: giue faire words for foule: Doe good against euill: and heape hoat burning coales vpon his head. That is a sentence sooner be­lieud bicause it is scripture, then put in practise, for all it is true.

[Page 8] Such a Deane, such a Doctor, slips within the com­passe of treason cries Martin. Another, takes him by the nose with a paire of left-handed pincers, and puls him ouer the pumpes into the same puddle. Wot you O P. P. there I plaid vpon thee to thy paine. what the little wagges saide, when they had béene tel­ling many precious miracles of Robin-goodfellow and the diuell? We shall speake so long of the diuell in iest, that he shall come amongst vs in good earnest: God warrant vs, and therewithall, crost themselues, for it was in the old time: I would we could blesse vs from him, this newe time. But I am afraid, there will be so much talke of traitor, & so long vse of such bugs words, that some of our Male-contented Hussnuffs, and Mar­prelats will prooue their words master, yet I will nicke-name no bodie: I am none of these tuft mock­adoo mak-a-dooes: for Qui mocchat, moccabitur, quoth the seruingman of Abington.

And, as who shoulde say, they that named Rebels oftenest with a breath, were the soundest winded sub­iects: who can tell that? Not I: but sure I am, that the boy which gréeted his father with a letter clapt full of commendations, commendations, and nothing but commendations, prooude as untoward a sonne, as he that directed his superscription to his most obedient pa­rents.

If Menippus, or the Man in the Moone, be so quick-sighted, that he beholds, these bitter swéete Iests, these railing outcries: this shouing at Prelats to cast them downe, and heauing at Martin to hang him vp for Mar­tilmas biefe: what would he imagine otherwise, then as that stranger, which séeing a Quintessence (beside the foole & the Maid Marian) of all the picked yoouth, straind out of an whole Endship, footing the Morris a­bout a May pole. And he, not hearing the crie of the bounds, for the barking of dogs, (that is to say) the [Page 9] minstrelsie for the fidling, the tune for the sound, nor the pipe for the noise of the tabor, bluntly demaunded, if they were not all beside themselues, that they so lipd and skipd without an occasion.

Backe with that leg Perceuall: Nouice as thou art, dost thou thinke that we are some, all mad? Alas I am a stranger, & cannot tel what your horse play meanes. Learne, learne to vnderstand the occasion of those acti­ons: Their words are common? for euery cut-purse Occasions & actions com­mon. vseth them at the Old Bayly, that hath had any skill in his miniken Handsaw.

I can tell who was acquainted with an olde sooker, that caries such Potticall verses of the State of Flan­ders, in a linnen bag (though they be no baggage nei­ther) as would make a man thinke vpon driuing out sides, and taking of parts as long as he liues. My selfe drinking hand to hand with the founder of them: for lacke of a nutmeg, he gaue me a great and a lesse, to grate in a spice bole, and this was the powder.

Orgia turbantem natum dum mactat Agaue,
Insana, insanum Penthea, credit aprimi.

Had not he a long wind that sowpd vp these two at a draught? and a good head that carried them away without staggering, togither with their Appurtenan­ces? Mad was the mother & kild hir wood sonne, &c. That liquid Poet, had askt himselfe the question, who was in the fault, that two factions were at daggers drawing, till they were like to draw all to an vprore, he answers like a slie slaue; Ambo. for that was his meaning, though he whéeld about, séeking to declare his mind, with a Far Fetched Simile.

But (say you) there is no reason in it, that we should stand bound to the good a-bearing, crcept Martin were bound to the peace. Yf he snarle like a cur at vs, why should not we prouide a Bastinado for him? and he ma­king [Page 10] an assault, to mount ouer our parke pales: why may not we haue one cast in his Orchard, and a fling at his Medlar trée? Mary sirs, for feare the Cudgell fall downe againe vpon a mans owne Costard. If a swift running streame haue frée passage along the kennell, fare well it, you shall neuer heare worse of it: but stop it, & Hercules like where it finds no way, it will make one: and so set the next neighbors medowes all on a floate. When he began to skold first, you should haue betooke him to an Ostler, to walke, while you had cald an officer to chamber his toong.

So if you had done, his owne poison would haue fe­stered in his owne flesh. Prid and venime, if they had so ranckly possessed his hart, they would haue set his owne skin a strute, and burst his hide before this time. I sée the vaine is vp in the forhead, and Martin shall haue as good as he brings, or else a frée schoole of skolds shalbe set vp for the nonce. O that M. Th. Cicero might rise againe, a little before his turne, & sée railing made a profession, Slaunder set in a Shrine, and honored with the slaughter of many ripe wits, in stéed of a sacrifice: how would he blame England now, (as he blamed Athens when he liude) for erecting Chappels in honor of that dishonorable cowple: Reproch and Impudency: or as he checkd his Countrey men the Romans, which Virtutes enim non vitia con. secrare decet [...]ic. de l [...]. 2. had builded an altar to the Agewe, and a monument to the remembrance of Cursed Fortune. I cannot tell what Spirituall Chappels, and Inuisible altars our men set vp now a daies, but I am sure, one of the Lar­gest Churches in England is like to fall on his mari­bons, and so mar the fashion of his bones, that it may be cald Allstones here after. Had Martin walkd that way he might haue espide a great hole & a miserable maime in the body of that Church. It is an ill wind that blowes no man to good they say: yea but the Prophet [Page 11] Aggeus would haue giuen counsaile to repaire such a place of praier: if Martin himselfe crie Hauocke at it, beléeue him not, Aggeus was a great deale the honester man, although while he liude he was no saint. Where was I? my iourney lies not that way: I was about to say that the Printers had hard luck if they lost by these matches that are made of late against Martin. Whose states when I looke vpon, I am ready to crie at as a Countrey man of mine did, when trauersing London stréets, he spide a Iacke an apes, in a gaie cote, sit moo­ing on a Marchants bulke: Good Lord what knacks are made for money, now adaies?

Speake a blooddy word in a Barbors shop, you make a forset: and good reason too, Cap him sirra, if he pay it not. Speake a broad word or vse a grosse tearme a­mongst huntsmen in chaze, you shall be leasht for your labor: as one that disgraceth a gentlemans pastime and game, with the termes of a heardsman. And is there no penaltie to represse such lauish ouer reachers as offer legends of lies to the presse? Martin, he put those lies into print vnlawfully, which he coind in hug­ger mugger: & others opposite to his humor will haue their lies lie open manifestly, if it be but to shew that they dare put in for the whetstone, and make as lowd lies as Martin the forman. But who is the father of such fruit, or the sower of such séede? False witnes, & ly­ing was forbode by Moses Law, but is taken vp now for a custome, of one lewd Customer, and hath got Chap­men that will neuer lay it downe, except they make their end as tedious to the indifferent Reader, as his beginning was odtous to the peaceable hearer. He that catcheth euery flying tale by the end, may chance to take a frog for a fish, and doo as the boy, that bit a snake by the head instéed of an éele. Heresay is too slender an euidence to spit a mans credit vpon, or to broach a [Page 12] mans Conscience with kitchin termes or any thing, nothing comes amisse to Perceuall.

I sée neighbors how you croud backward, thinking belike to ride vpon my Crupshoulders: I am no Ape Carrier, I pray you defile not my shéeps russet Coate, with your dirtie shoes yet: this home made Karsey, and my plain spéeches may haue as much wooll (I dare not say so much wit) as is in your double pild veluet. Blessed are the Peace-makers (I say:) & so are neither the bréeders nor fauourites of discord. Cursed are the malitious inuentors of slanders; and so are neither the renewers nor continuers of Concord. O so some of those companions ply the bore, to bore a shadowe, and beate their knuckels against a bare wall, and to get a sure card on their side, either calles for Iustice, and séekes to incense our noble Queene against the other. Indéed I confesse some of them haue great cause so to doo, but what then? Let hir imperiall Maiestie alone, by hir gratious leasure, and wisedome, she will prepare a boisterous snuffle, for such boisterous head-strong Iaddes, as will be wincing. Slow to wrath, and slower to punishment, and alwaies like Elizabeth, she pea­seth the sword of Iustice, with an vpright hand: when season serues, she will strike, and yet deuide so equally, that she hurts not one heire of an naturall subiect. No doubt she is the naturall mother of this Iland (if Salo­mon himselfe were Iudge) that is so tender ouer hir Sonnes and subiects. And they on the other side, step­dames, and most vnnaturall parents, that would haue their children dismembred & cut off in middle. Againe, those children be chaunglings, that in stéede of sucking the milke, would sucke the blood of their nourses. Dost thou beléeue there be any Fairies then Perceuall? I can­not tell whether there be Fairies, but I am sure there is a foule Diuell that brings foorth changeable coured vr­chins, [Page 13] which can glister like a glose worme neare gold, looke pale and wan vpon Lead, and browne vpon Iron: tell me now, whether is such a one a Chaungling, a Horselech, or a Chamelaeon? their Law: set downe your staffe, and pause a while, this heauie fardell hath bred a stitch in my short ribs. But well remembred, Crier, make an, o yes, for Martin to come into the Court. O sir, doo you stand vnder my sléeue, and I sée you not? I pray God I haue not a foole at mine elbow, the Diuell you haue, quoth his heauy frinds. I thinke the mad slaue, hath tasted on a ferne-stalke, that he walkes so invisible.

I haue had conference Martin, with these ruffe Roi­sters that challendge thée at all weapons, from the for­rest bill, to the bodkin. They séeme to blame a certaine Pipe of Pistling, that hath tooke the tip of thy toong and a vaine of lauish iangling, that hath made thy palate rise out of socket. Their téeth water at reuenge, and are sharpe set on edge: thy selfe was the grindstone of their wits, and now if they cannot come at the faire, to hold thy nose to the grindstone, they sweare to chop thy Relickes and hacke thine hackle as small as fewell to the fire. I perceiue, and they would faine be on thy Iacke for thy sawcines, that thou art principall picker of the quarrell.

O Martin, honor gray heares, during thy nonage: or else looke for dishonor and dotage if thou canst get a­ny competent yéers on thy backe, before thou procurest a hempen chaine aboue thy shoulders. Be thou a yoong boy, or a stale Batchelar, (vnmaried thou art by thine own Protestation) learne to reuerence those two ornaments of a common-wealth, Age and Authority. Barre this pert bearding of men reputed honest for their behauiour, and honorable both for their calling and counsaile: Leaue thrumming thy Pibauld Iestes [Page 14] with Scripture, Iron and Clay will not be tempered togither. Thy pamphlets which thou sendest into the broad world, may well be Pistles, but certainely they be no Gospels. The word of God is sufficient to worke the will of God, & néede not thy friuolous medleis, thy humane traditions, or additions, either to qualifie the vertue, or disgrace the enemies thereof, which thou pretendest, being thy selfe, I doubt, an archenemie to the same.

Aske the Printer is he haue not a merier booke: this fellow is falne so low into his dumps, that there is no sport in reading him. Let me gape and stretch my selfe a little, and then hay we ye.

I find that in euery trade and occupation, there is a better and a worse, as there is in euery warpe of fish, a great and a lesse. There is a Shomaker, there is a Cobler: a Tailor, and a Botcher: a Marchant, and a Broker: a Haberdasher and a Pedlar: a Mason and a Dawber: a Minstrell and a Fidler: a Parson and a Ui­car: a Minister and a Curat: there steps me in a third tricksie, neat, nimble, spruse Artificer into euery one of these occupations: and like a prickeard Mule will be of another distinct kind from either dame or fire. One standing all vpon his pumps & pantables, will be aboue a Shomaker. Another mounts vpon a loftier Shop bourd then a Tailor, and wil be none otherwise termde then a shaper of garments forsooth. Stand thy ground Perceual, neuer run through such a rablemēt of Crafts­men forward, and backeward, I am windles to follow thée so fast ouer & ouer so many trads. I haue thy mea­ning at one word, as well as at an hundred. Then sir if you be of such a sodaine conceipt, follow me step by step, from these handicrafts to matters of Religion. Some of conscience study to reforme their owne liues, & looke first into their own bosome: others to the intent that all [Page 15] the world might suppose, that nothing were amisse at home, like bad huswifes flie abroad, and search out pub­like imperfections, to busie their heads about. Some a­gaine endeuor to practise, without a multiplying of words openly: others beare a ready toong in their heads, but bray them in a morter, they will neuer be morti­fied in déeds: Some earnest protestants are precise in correcting their owne corrupt affections, and in aduer­tising their brother kindly of his faults as they fall: he goes for my money. Comes me in an Hipocriticall younster, and he will be a Puritane, and an ase before any that euer bare the name, or else you abuse him. I haue heard of words that haue degenerated into a worse signification from a better, but few termes that were betterd by any that vsed them. I hard say a good old Doctor (he shall haue my good word though he be laid in his graue) found out Puritanisme in Papistry (for so he termed their fained hipocrisie) when he dealt a­gainst Iesuits: then though we cannot be too forward in a good matter, yet the diuel can inuent sins in excesse, aswell as in defect. Men haue great desire to be compted high fliers and déepe swimmers, yet be the both daun­gerous exercises, considering that a man hath neither winges to beate the aire, nor finnes to breake the water. Adam would haue béene a God, but that his foote slipt, and he fel into a state mortall. I doo not thinke, Martin, but the olde Serpent can tempt the perfectest Eue that euer was, and then let Eue alone to perswade hir hus­band. But thou hast no Eue to trouble thée: no but thou hast flesh and blood to interrupt thée.

Nay Perceuall, now you wade into such particu­lars, you are wide: stand not vpon the priuate censu­ring of persons, lest thou séemest as senseles, as they which determine vpon an Ale bench whether the pas­senger that passeth by the lettise, be a Saint or a Diuell. [Page 16] Nay ho there neighbor: chaue hard them say, that if a man point with his finger in the Court of a Prince, he may chaunce to forfet his whole fist for his sawcines: he points faire, that disapoints his mouth of such a nourse, as either of his hands be.

But there is one thing vsed amongst these Marrers and Markers of folkes which maske with vizards of Reformation, that stickes in my stomacke, and wil not be digested. The greatest coursers, and professed hun­ters of dumbe dogs: such as wery themselues in hollo­wing after that Vermine, and make their voices hoarse, in crying out against them, are the very foster fathers, that pester our Church with that Cattell. I wish that we had none of these toong-tide Curs, that cannot barke, nor say buffe to a woulfes shadow: if it were pos­sible. But you that most cry out against them, why haue you brought them vp no better? Why haue you not taught some of those Puppes their lerrie? I will take it vpon the credit of my selfe, an vpstantiall yeo­man, that they most part of these mute shepheards are hatchd vp vnder the wing of those which beate most vpon the remoouing of dumbe dogs. I could giue you some examples in Bedfordshire: a whole rablement at least. A Preacher, if his conceipt be any thing swift, that he can rolle it in the pulpit, must haue his reader at his elbow, to fauor his voice. A Minister that hath any thing a fat benefice, and a full belly, will haue his Co-brother to assist him. And what must he be but ei­ther an halfe-peny boy, or an idle craftsman, that shall serue for meate, drinke and cloth, a little tutoring in Diuinitie, & the reuersion of a benefice, when it fauls, where his godfathers commendatorie letters may pre­uaile. I could well like that men of some desert and im­ploiment should haue their assistants, so they were Preachers, but you shall not take them in that fault. [Page 17] Where is the conscience of these criers out on blinde guides become? not resident at home now: but abroad, busie in inueighing against Bishops for their tolerati­ons graunted, to such as themselues haue preferred, commended, presented. And by this Leger-demaine hath the Common-wealth béen robd of Tailors, Shoo­makers, and good Artificers, and the Church ouerchar­ged with bad Ministers: which thanke God, I dare saie in their hearts (with that firehot Preacher) that they are so farre from the Romish Religion, as they cannot vnderstand a word of the Latine toong. I tell you, this is a miserie to heare, and a miserie to sée: that such eager Callers for Reformation, should plant s [...]ips of their owne gathering: supplant Magistrates for wincking at it, and make the people beléeue, that they would haue it otherwise, with all their hearts. Now dare these fellowes aspire to further authoritie in Mi­nister-making, when they suffer their houses to be the Nourceries of such impotent and impudent encrochers vpon Church-Offices? What saie the people to this geare? tush, let the master alone to speake for the man: he will commend him, for his great pro [...] ̄ting in know­ledge vnder him: preferre him for a péece of plaine doc­trine; praise him, that he is not infected with Philoso­phie, or such like Vniuersitie learning: but especially that he is an honest man, zealous, forward in Religion, and one that séekes for Reformation. This fellow can­not be misliked I warrant you: I, I that one word of Reformation, Martin, which hath béen so much in thy mouth, & so greatly in thy request, hath made thy Cu­stomers swarme like Bees to the ringing of a Bason: but take héed, thine owne Cattaile sting thée not, when they shall taste what Hemlockes thou hast mingled, wherewith thine hiue was annointed.

But tush thy gossips will stand vpon it, that Mar­tins [Page 18] clocke goes true, though the Diuell were in the Horologe: their rellish is altered so far with the sirope of selfe-loue, that Choller is called Zeale, and Melan­choly, Mortification: whereupon followes swift iudge­ment that cuts all other from saluation: and some bad sullen conceipt peeuishly taken from their owne humo­rous imagination, that they would haue all stampt vpon, that be not of their stampe, or will not be strainde to their starke staring madnes. You had best saie now I speake against good men: quatenus they are good, Mar­tin, I am their Orator, in the state demonstratiue to extoll them: but a wart is a wart if it were in the face of Alexander: frowardnes is frowardnes, if it were in my Father: sinne is sinne in holie Dauid himselfe. And Socrates had a wanton looke of his owne, though his schollers should beat the Phisiognomer for so say­ing. I would they were so good as I could wish them: we should haue better fruit, and more good déeds, which are now both thin sowne god wot, & thinner growne. Yet be they, as be may, I may be thus bold with their masterships. Beware of a heat, for so long as a man is warme, he cannot féele his owne imperfections, but thinketh that euerie man which sweats not is keycold, such firie Agues fall soonest into a surfeit, and founder themselues with their intemperate behauiour. You shal haue a lame Jade, bridle, and brag it vp and downe Smithfield, when he is a little chafde, as though hée could stand on no ground for lustines: set him vp in a stable, till he wax a litle cold, and his limbes be so stiffe, he can stand on no ground for lamenes. Some of thy mates Martin, I am afraid, be alwaies stirring so busi­ly, least standing long still in the open faire, they fall to downeright halting, and so be disclosed for arrant hel­dings. Such Iadish trickes make a sound horse to be suspected, and some hipocrites, make earnest professors [Page 19] doubted of, yet neither condemned so vnmercifullie as though there were no way but one: God forbid. But leaue leaue, all the sort of you, to boulster vp the faults of your own parishioners, & boult out the skapes ofsuch as are none of your sectaries. One spakey Apple will make the whole hourd smel, picke him out: One Hipo­criticall dissembler, will bring reproch vpon the whole brotherhood, cull him out: and although he defie the Surplice, (which is a point of great valiancie) yet let him be put to the choice of a whip or a white shéete: if he haue offered in secrecie to defend this position. That a woman waking may lawfully graft Dianaes armes, vpon the Temples of her husband sleeping. You meane vnhappily Perceuall, whatsoeuer your wordes be: I know a newst what Circuit you are in. But is it not a Religious déed to conceale the blemish of a bro­ther, least the Gospell be ill spoken of for his misdéeds? As who should say the punishment of malefactors were not the fruit of the Gospell? which heauenly & blame­les Oracle none but Atheists and Miscreants will con­demne for the shameles action, of such a one as speakes of gospels in the day: but vseth I knew not what night­spels in the darke. Neuer be afraid that any which hath his fiue senses, will impute the fall of a brother to the ouergreat knowledge he had in the scriptures: but to the slender practise and profite he made in the same: for all his great boast. Take héed, haue an eye to the doore, least that, that Frierly Caueat créepe in amongst Pro­testants, Simon casl [...] tamen ca [...]. whereby their ghostly Fathers wished a man to liue Charily, though not chastly.

Whether will Perceuall and this weather holde? nay no further Martin, thou maist spot in that hole, for ile come no more there: here I pitch my staffe, and stand to vrge thée, with these promises aboue named: thou begannest [...]st, and therefore giue not ouer last. [Page 20] Thy beginning was worst, let thine ending be best. Controuersies be meate and drinke to the people: but doo not cramme them with such gobbets, as may sticke in their throats, least they hang the head on the shoul­der, like him that was slaine with an arrow at Tiburn prickes. That is a new kinde of dict, with all my hart. Yet sir, when the stéele and the flint be knockde togi­ther, a man may light his match by the sparkle: surely, but I thinke tinder be verie danke now adaies, and though it take fire quickly, yet it takes light by leisure: for there hath béen striking and iarring euer since, and a great while before, that a learned man somewhat on thy side, Martin, séemed to persuade that contention for good matters was good: you should haue his words: but that Graecum est, non potest legi: and yet I sée no more Candles tinded thē wont to be, but a great many Bea­cons Car. more fired then ought to be. You shall neuer make me belieue, that many Arguments turne soonest to A­gréements. I haue séene them, which haue séene such hurly burlies about a couple, (that were no Fathers of the Church neither) Aristotle and Ramus, or els aske the Uniuersities, such a quoile with pro and con, such vrging of Ergoes, til they haue gone frō Art togither by the eares, & made their conclusions end with a Clunch­fist, right like the old description of Logicke. My yoong maisters could not be content to whet their wits with such a cōtentiō: but fel to whetting their Tuskes at one another: like those children which sitting in the Chim­ney corner, some at one side, some at another, with the fire in the middle; fell to it with firebrands, when they should haue but warmde themselues and away. One litle sparke of dissention, is able to set a whole house, a Towne, an Uniuersitie, a Citie, a whole Realme on fire, the affections of young men be so readie to nourish it. Well then Martin, and you professed Mar-Martins, [Page 21] in presence of me Perceuall shake hands & be friendes, meet halfe way, and I standing iump in the middle will crie aime to you both: so as you come not running with force and maine, and crush me betwixt you for my good will. As for thine offence Martin, of higher Powers, I dare vndertake, the Bishops séeke no blood, so as thy rash attempt might be qualified with submission. And so did Paul, (cls I am deceiued) either plead ignorance for an excuse, or séem to recant & correct his ruffe spéech, he had made to a man in authority: belike he was afraid least his example should haue animated any pert Con­troulers of Magistracy, and therefore cut them downe, which should speake ill of the Ruler of the people. How strangely looke these marchants on both sides? I would we had an Ostler to giue them a turne or two till their sweating were done. What mettall be they made of? their noise nothing like bels, & yet a man may stop his eares to hear their dinne, with honestie: it goes through my head, and makes a great many moe deafe and displeased besides me. They agrée like two drums, which are headed, the one with a shéeps skin, the other with a wolfes hide. It can neuer be good musicke, that stands all vpon sharpes, and neuer a flat: all diuisions framde with such long discords, & not so much as a con­cord to end withall, argues a bad eare, & a bungling Ar­tist. Martin and counter Martin, be you not all Coun­trey men? make you no account of that name? vnnatu­rall children, will you distract your naturall mother? will you send Foxes with fire brands at their tailes, to burne so forward a crop of toward youth, so well eared, that they put vs in hope alreadie of a timely haruest, and a plentifull Gardiner for seuen yéeres after? send not a whirle winde amongst them, least beating one a­gainst another, they dash out the Curnell, or be ledgde on the ground.

[Page 22] Go too I say, neuer straine curtesie, who shall begin: beshrow him that comes lagge in so good a course as is renewing of frindship. Downe with those great harts, and bridle those angry fits, stand not in that clamorous accusation of one another, the best of both may be a­mended. Let the wisest be the forwardest, and the most foole the frowardest. What ouerthwart companions be these, the more I perswade, the more they looke as­kaunce ouer their shoulders: you turne the wrong way & be too wayward. Remēber your selues, walke about, and coole this flushing in the face, left it fume vp, & make you braine sicke. I would faine doo some good vpon you: but when I lead a horse to the water, if he will not drinke, what can I doo, but whistle him. If my pre­sens perswade nothing, yet in mine absence, thinke of Perceual, and let him not haue his name Peace-Maker for naught. I am sorry, if I haue put my finger in the fire, & cannot quench it: yet the best is, I can pull it out againe harmles, for a wet finger burns not. I wil kéepe me far enough from the flame, though perhaps I may smell in the smoke, by touching the brands.

O Perceuall! so some of these wil be-daube thée with Inke, and plague thée with blacke and white: for I sée how they gird thee in their sléeu [...]s already. Tush I can paint as fast as they, though perhaps not altogither so faire. But a Iewes letter scrible scrable ouer the Co­purtenaunce of a mans countenance, will dash a body wickedly. You sée my quarter staffe, is it not a blesse begger, thinke you? A washing blow of this is as good as a Laundresse, it will wash for the names sake: it can wipe a fellow ouer the thumbs, wring a man in the withers, and must néeds dry beate a skoundrell, if it be artificially managed. Will you fight then Perceuall? no truly, I had rather sée my quarter ashe staffe con­uerted into ashes, then I would vse it against any per­son: [Page 23] and then I am sure I shall not be pinchd on the parsons side: for they would haue peace as well as I. But let a Trauailor walke with his implements about him: A Dag case may be as good now and then as a case of Dags. The sight of a Hanger rusted in the sheath hanging by ones side, may safe conduct a bodies purse, and saue a picking saint harted théefe from hanging be­side. But what if these Roisters draw their Pen and Inkehornes, and so set vpon thée? They may quickly set me vp, for I will be no Peace-Breaker: yet if they howse me, I may chaunce to thrust a wispe out of the window and so make them waspish. O that is an ex­cellent Auditor for a skold, a cucking stoole will coole somewhat too much this wether: but a wispe wil heate to the hart like Malmesie. But you my Masters that striue, for this supernaturall art of wrangling: let all matters be husht and quiet a Godsname: if my toong waxe currant at the later end of my tale, and incur any suspition that I am currish naturde, bicause I talke of my fence, write my termes in the wind, or let them passe for wind: and carrouse vp your owne quarrels in the cup, and let the licour and they, like good fellowes, march arme in arme, downe your throats. And so ha­uing skinkde mine Vltimum Vale in a parting pot, I put you both in a draught: And drinke to the funerals of your Enimitie. Stay good neighbors, now I am for your company.

Medio Tutissimus ibis.

[Page 24] This worke being finished, and red ouer and óuer by the head of the parish, they cal­led a vestry, wherin they concluded, to write euery man some verses in the commendati­on of the Author, bicause it was a custome greatly taken vp in the Vniuersitie of late. And thus they florish in their mother tong, as here followeth.

The gay bay Larell bow, that prancks my Cole,
As speciall fore horse of my beanefed Teeme,
Take Perceuall, and clap it on thy pole,
Whose fortops such a branch doth well be seeme:
If any aske why thou art clad so garish:
Say thou art dubd the forehorse of the parish.
Quoth A. N. Carter.
Holdhether, thou bell wether, of my fold,
Although thou hast dischargde thy duty well:
Surrender vp thy watch though it were gold:
For learned Perceuall must beare the bell.
If (quoth my wether) it be Perceuall:
Let him for me, take bell and hornes and all.
Not so quoth G. A. Sheepheard.
Thy praises Perceuall shall florish in my dary,
My Paper, Curds, my Pen shall be a spoone,
Where I for aie will make thy praises tarry:
And if my Paper doe not sincke too soone,
Else will I write them all vpon a cheese,
That as the same increaseth, so may these.
Quoth goodman Bl. farmar.

The Coblers prophecy vpon the Author.

This patch here placd, the which I bast:
And sow so fast, shall sooner wast
Then Perceuals renowne.
My shoe shall rénd, my nall blade bend,
My lingels end, first shall I spend,
Before his works goe downe.
At these assaies, thou gettest such praise,
As neer decaies, then goe thy waies,
For I stand to the same.
If any such, by chaunce I tuch,
As seemes to grutch, for I speake so much,
George Cobler is my name.
My frinds all fauor I beseech,
To yeeld our Perceuall good speech:
Husht Momus or my needell in thy breech.
Cast me the bottome of browne
threed hither.
All folkes of fauour I beseech,
To yeeld our Perceuall good speech:
Or else my needell in their breech.
Cast me hither the bottome
of browne threed.
So I will chalke thy praises vp,
And preach thy fame vpon a cup:
[Page 26] Remembring Perce, at euery sup.
But that I have such hast of my
worke against Christide.
Quoth N. G. Botcher.
Feceris Hussnuffos scribendo relinquere Cussos,
Necnon Martinos (appositiuè dico) malè natos cùm parte binos,
Es quoque Clubfistos omnes pacaucris istos,
Perceuall, ac idem (si possess) scindere pridem
Inceptas lites, vis, tanquam runcina, vites.
Es melior, (quidest Latinè propter.) An Ale-house
To stablish friendship, or botch vp Peace in an Endship.
Twenty pound for a Dictionary.
By me H. D. Schollard maker for fault of a better.

Faults escaped.

Page 1. line 11 read Alcumists.

Line 30. read not with them.

Line 31. Gins read Gunnes.

Page 9. line 21. aprimi read aprum.

Page 12. line 35. coured read coloured.

This keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the Text Creation Partnership. This Phase I text is available for reuse, according to the terms of Creative Commons 0 1.0 Universal. The text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission.