THere was a very tall and ser­uiceable Gentleman, some­time Lieutenant of the or­dinance, called M. Iaques VVingfield; who comming one day, either of businesse, or of kindnesse to visit a great Lady in the Court; the Lady bad her Gentlewoman aske, which of the VVingfields is was; he told her Iaques Wing­field: the modest Gentlewoman, that was not so wel seene in the Frēch, to know that Iaques was but Iames in English, was so bashfoole, that to mend the matter (as she thought) she brought her Lady word, not without blushing, that it was M. Priuie VVingfield; at which, I suppose the Ladie then, I am sure the Gētleman after, as long as he liued, was wont to make great sport.

I feare the homely title prefixed to this Treatise (how warlicke a sound so euer it hath) may breed a worse offence, in some [Page 2] of the finer sort of readers; who may vpon much more iust occasion condemne it, as a noysome and vnsauory discourse: be­cause, without any error of equiuocation, I meane indeede, to write of the same that the word signifies. But if it might please them a litle better to consider, how the place we treate of (how homely soeuer) is visited by thēselues, once at least in foure and twenty houres, if their digestion be good, and their constitution sound; then I hope they will do me that fauor, and them selues that right, not to reiect a matter teaching their own ease, and cleanlinesse, for the homelinesse of the name; and con­sequently, they will excuse all broad phra­ses of speech, incident to such a matter, with the old English prouerbe that endes thus; For Lords and Ladies doe the same. I know that the wiser sort of men will consi­der, & I wish that the ignorant sort would learn; how it is not the basenesse, or home­linesse, either of wordes, or matters, that make them foule and obscenous, but their base mindes, filthy conceites, or lewd in­tents that handle them. He that would scorne a Phisition, because for our infirmi­ties [Page 3] sake, he refuseth not somtime the noi­some view of our lothsomest excrements, were worthy to haue no helpe by Phisicke, and should breake his deuine precept, that saith; Honour the Phisition, for necessities sake God hath ordained him. And he that would honour the makers of Aposticchios, or rebatoes, because creatures much ho­nored vse to weare thē, might be thought, perhaps full of curtesie, but voide of wit.

Surely, if we would enter into a sober and sad consideration of our estates, euen of the happiest sort of vs, as men of the world esteeme vs; whether we be noble, or rich, or learned, or beautifull, or healthy, or all these (which seldome happeneth) ioyned together we shall obserue, that the ioyes we enioy in this world, consist rather in indolentia (as they call it) which is an a­uoyding of grieuances and inconuenien­ces, then in possessing any passing great pleasures; so durable are the harmes, that our first parentes fall hath layd on vs, and so poore the helpes that we haue in our selues: finally so short, and momentany the contentments that we fish for, in this Ocean of miseries, which either we misse, [Page 4] (fishing before the net, as the prouerbe is) or if we catch them they proue but like Eeles, sleight and slipperie. The chiefest of all our sensuall pleasures, I meane that which some call the sweet sinne of letche­rie, though God knowes, it hath much sowre sawce to it; for which notwithstan­ding, many hazard both their fame, their fortune, their friendes, yea their soules; which makes them so oft breake the sixt Commaundement, that when they heare it read at Church, they leaue the wordes of the Communion booke, and say, Lord haue mercie vpon vs, it grieues our hearts to keepe this Law. And when the Commi­nation is read on Ashwednesday, where­in is read, Cursed be he that lyeth with his neighbours wife, and let all the people say, Amen; these people either say nothing, or as a neighbour of mine sayd,Some say a­mend, and so done, were verie well sayd. he hem; I say this surpassing pleasure, that is so much in request, and counted such a prin­cipall solace, I haue heard confessed be­fore a most honorable person, by a man of middle age, strong constitution, and well practised in this occupation, to haue bred no more delectation to him (after the [Page 5] first heate of his youth was past) then to go to a good easie close stoole, when he had a lust thereto (for that was his very phrase.) Which being confessed by him, and con­firmed by many; makes me take this ad­uantage thereof in the beginning of this discourse,Aiak's house preferred before a ba [...]die house. to preferre this house I mind to speak of, before those which they so much frequent; neither let any disdaine the cō ­parison. For I remember, how not long since, a graue & godly Ladie, and grand­mother to all my wiues children, did in their hearings, and for their better instru­ction, tell them a story; which though I will not sweare it was true, yet I did wish the auditory wold beleeue it; namely, how an Hermit being caried in an euening, by the conduct of an Angell, through a great citie, to contemplate the great wickednes daily and hourely wrought therein; met in the streete a gongfarmer with his cart full laden, no man enuying his full mea­sure. The poore Hermit, as other men did, stopt his nosthrils, and betooke him to the other side of the street, hastening from the sower carriage all he could; but the An­gell kept on his way, seeming no whit of­fended [Page 6] with the sauor. At which while the Hermit maruelled, there came not long after by thē, a woman gorgeously attyred, wel perfumed, wel attended with coaches, & torches, to conuey her perhaps to some noble mans chamber. The good Hermit somewhat reuiued with the faire sight, and sweet sauour, began to stand at the gaze. On the other side, the good Angell now stopped his nose, and both hastened him­selfe away, and beckened his companion frō the place. At which the Hermit more maruelling then before, he was told by the Angell, that this fine courtesan laden with sinne, was a more stinking sauour a­fore God and his holy Angels, then that beastly cart, laden with excrements. I will not spend time to allegorize this sto­rie, onely I will wish all the readers may find as sure a way to cleanse, and keepe sweete the noblest part of them selues, that is, their soules; as I shall shew them a plaine and easie way, to keepe sweete the basest part of their houses, that is, their sinkes. But to the intent I may binde my selfe to some certaine method, I will first awhile continue as I haue partly begun, to [Page 7] defend by most autenticall authorities and examples, the vse of these homely words in so necessary matters. Secondly, concer­ning the matter it selfe, I will shewe how great, and extraordinary care hath beene had in all ages, for the good ordering of the same. Lastly, for the forme, I will set downe the cheapest, perfectest, and most infallible, for auoyding all the inconueni­ences the matter is subiect to; that hither­to (if I and many more be not much decei­ued) was euer found out.

When I was a truantly scholer in the noble Vniuersitie of Cambridge (though I hope I had as good a conscience as other of my pew-fellowes, to take but a litle lear­ning for my money) yet I can remember, how a very learned and reuerent Deuine help this question in the schooles. Scriptu­rae stylus nō est barbarus. The stile, or phrase of the Scripture is not barbarous. Against whom one replyed with this argument.

[Page 8] To which syllogisme was truely answered (as I now remēber denying the minor) that though such phrases to vs seeme obsce­nous, and are so when they are vsed to ri­bauldrie, or lasciuiousnes, yet in the Scrip­ture they are not onely voyd of inciuilitie, but full of sanctitie; that the Prophets do in no place more effectually, more ear­nestly, nor more properly beat downe our pride and vanitie, and open to our eyes the filthinesse, and horror of our sinnes, then by such kind of phrases, of which they re­cited that, where it is said, that the sinnes of the people were, [...]sa. 64. quasi pannus menstrua­tae vniuersae iustitiae nostrae, that a common or strange woman (for so the Scripture co­uertly termeth a harlot) hath her quiuer open for euery arrow; that an old leche­rous man, is like a horse that neigheth after euery mare, &c. To which I could adde many more, if I affected copiousnesse in this kind; some in broad speeches, some in couert termes, expressing mens shame, mens sinnes, mens necessities. Quinque au­reos anos facietis pro quinque satrapis, which our English of Geneua trāslates very mo­destly. Ye shall make [...]iue goldē Emeralds [Page 9] for fiue Noblemen or Princes. Which word I am sure, many of the simple hea­rers, and readers, take for a precious stone of the Indians, set in gold; & so they shall still take it for me, for that ignorance, may perhaps do them lesse hurt in this matter, then further knowledge; but yet what a speciall Scripture that is to Gods glory & their shame, appeares by Dauids prophe­cie in the 77. Psalme, where he saith; Per­cussit inimicos suos in posteriora, opprobrium sempiternum dedit illis. He smote his ene­mies in the hinder parts, and put them to a perpetuall shame; in remēbrance where­of, in some solemne lyturgies, vntill this day the same Chap. of Aureos anos is read.

What shold I speake of the great league betwene God and man, made in Circum­cision? impressing a painefull stigma, or ca­racter in Gods peculiar people, though now, most happily taken away in the holy Sacrament of Baptisme. What the word signified, I haue knowen reuerent & lear­ned men haue bene ignorant; and we call it very well Circumcision, and vncircum­cision, though the Remists (of purpose be like to varie frō Geneua) will needs bring [Page 10] in Prepuse; which word was after admitted into the Theater with great applause, by the mouth of Maister Tarlton the excel­lent Comedian; when many of the behol­ders that were neuer circumcised, had as great cause as Tarlton, to complaine of their Prepuse. But to come soberly, & more nearely to our present purpose; In the old Testament, the phrase is much vsed of co­uering the feet, and in the new Testament, he that healeth & helpeth all our infirmi­ties, vsed the word draught; that that goeth into the man, is digested in the stomacke, and cast out into the draught. Lastly, the blessed Apostle S. Paule, being rapt in cō ­templation of diuine blisfulnesse, cōpares all the chiefe felicities of the earth, estee­ming them (to vse his owne word) as ster­cora, most filthy doung, in regard of the ioyes he hoped for. In imitation of which zealous vehemencie, some other writers haue affected to vse such phrase of speech, but with as il successe, as the asse that leapt on his maister at his comming home, be­cause he saw a litle spaniel, that had so don, much made of: for in deed, these be coūted but foule mouthd beasts for their labors.

[Page 11]But to conclude these holy authorities, worthy to be alledged in most reuerent and serious manner; and yet here also I hope without offence: let vs come now to the ridiculous, rather then religious cu­stomes of the Pagans, and see, if this con­temptible matter I treat of, were despised among them; nay rather obserue, if it were not respected with a reuerence, with an honor, with a religion, with a dutie, yea with a deitie, & no maruell. For they that had Gods and Goddesses, for all the ne­cessaries of our life, frō our cradles to our graues, viz. 1. for sucking, 2. for swathing, 3. for eating, 4. for drinking, 5. for slee­ping, 6. for husbandrie, 7. for venerie, 8. for fighting, 9. for phisicke, 10. for mari­age, 11. for child-bed, 12. for fire, 13. for water, 14. for the thresholds, 15. for the chimneys; the names of which I doe set downe by themselues, to satisfie those that are curious. 1. Lacturtia, 2. Cunina, 3. Edu­licae, 4. Potina, 5. Morpheus, 6. Pan, 7. Pria­pus, 8. Bellona, 9. Aesculapius, 10 Hymen, 11. Lucina, and Vagitanus, 12. Aether, 13. Salacia, 14. Lares, 15. Penates. I say, you must not thinke, they would cōmit such an [Page 12] ouersight, to omit such a necessarie, as al­most in all languages, hath the name of necessitie, or ease: wherfore they had both a God and a Goddesse, that had the charge of the whole businesse; the God was called Stercutius, as they write, because he found so good an employment for all manner of doung, as to lay it vpon the land: or per­haps it was he, that first foūd the excellent mysterie of the kind setting of a Parsnippe (which I will not here discouer, because I heard of a truth, that a great Lady that lo­ued Parsnips very well, after she had heard how they grew, could neuer abide them) and I would be loath, to cause any to fall out of loue with so good a dish. Neuerthe­lesse (except they will haue better bread then is made of wheate) they must (how fine so euer they be) giue M. Stercutius leaue, to make the lād able to beare wheat. But the Goddesse was much more especi­ally, and properly assigned for this busines, whose name was Dea Cloacina, her statue was erected by Titus Tacius, he that raig­ned with Romulus, in a goodly large house of office (a fit shrine for such a Saint) which Lodouicus Vi [...]es cites out of Lactantius. [Page 13] But he that wil more particularly enforme himselfe of the originall of all these pettie Gods and Goddesses; as also of the grea­ter, which they distinguisht by the name of Dij consentes, which are according to old Ennius verse, deuided into two rankes of Lords and Ladies.

Of all which S. Augustine writes most di­uinely, to ouerthrow their diuinitie; and therefore I referre the learned and studi­ous reader, to his fourth and sixt booke de Ciuitate Dei, where the originall, and va­nitie of all these Gods and Goddesses, is more largely discoursed: with a pretty quip to Seneca the great Philosopher, who be­ing in hart half a Christiā, as was thought; yet because he was a Senator of Rome,S. Augustine 6. booke 10. chap. L. was faine (as S. Augustine saith) to follow that he found fault with, to doe that hee disliked, to adore that he detested. But come we to my stately Dame Cloacina, and her Lorde Stercutius, though these were not of the higher house, called Consentes; [Page 14] yet I hope for their antiquitie, they may make great comparison: for he is saide to haue bene old Saturne, father to Pycus that was called Iuppiter; and Cloacina was long before Priapus, and so long before Felici­tie, that S. Augustine writes merrily, that he thinkes verily, Felicitie forsooke the Ro­manes, for disdaine that Cloacina and Pria­pus were deified so long before her; adding Imperium Romanorum propterea grandius, quam felicius fuit. The Romane Empire therefore was rather great, then happie. But how so euer Ladie Felicitie disdaines her, no question but Madame Cloacina was alwayes a very good fellow: for it is a to­ken of speciall kindnesse, to this day a­mong the best men in France, to reduce a Syllogisme in Bocardo togither. Insomuch as I haue heard it seriously tolde, that a great Magnifico of Venice, being Am­bassador in France, and hearing a Noble person was come to speak with him, made him stay till he had vntyed his points; and when he was new set on his stoole, sent for the Noble mā to come to him at that time; as a very speciall fauour. And for other good fellowships I doubt not, but frō the [Page 15] beginning it hath often happened, that some of the Nymphes of this gentle god­desse, haue met so luckily with some of her deuout chaplens, in her chappels of ease, and paid their priuie tithes so duely, and done their seruice togither with such de­uotion; that for reward, she hath preferred them within fortie weeks after to Iuno Lu­cina, and so to Vagitana, Lacturtia, and Cu­nina: for euen to this day, such places con­tinue very fortunate. And wheras I named deuotion, I would not haue you thinke, how homely soeuer the place is, that all deuotion is excluded from it. For I happe­ning to demand of a deare friend of mine, concerning a great cōpanion of his, whe­ther he were religious or no, and namely if he vsed to pray; he tolde me, that to his remembrance he neuer heard him aske a­ny thing of God, nor thanke God for any thing; except it were at a Iakes, he heard him say, he thāked God, he had had a good stoole. Thus you see, a good stoole might moue as great deuotion in some man, as a bad sermon; & sure it sutes very well, that Quorū Deus est venter, eorū templū sit cloaca. he that maks his belly his god, I wold haue [Page 16] him make a Iakes his chappell. But he that would in deede call to minde, how Ar­rius, that notable and famous, or rather in­famous heretike, came to his miserable end vppon a Iakes; might take iust occa­sion euen at that homely businesse, to haue godly thoughts; rather then as some haue, wanton, or most haue, idle. To which pur­pose I remember in my riming dayes, I wrote a short Elegie vpon a homely Em­bleme; which both verse and Embleme, they haue set vp in Cloacinas chappell, at my house very solemnely. And I am the willinger to impart it to my friends, be­cause I protest to you truely, a sober Gen­tleman protested to me seriously; that the conceit of the picture & the verse, was an occasion to put honest and good thoughts into his mind. And Plutarke defends with many reasons, in his booke called Sympo­seons, Lib. 5. qu [...]st. 1. that where the matters them selues often are vnpleasant to behold, their coun­terfeits are seene not without delectation.

[Page 17]

Wherefore, though I grant many pla­ces and times are much fitter for true de­uotion, yet I dare take it vppon me; that if we would giue the Deuill no kinder en­tertainment in his other suggestions, then this father gaue him in his causelesse re­proofe (for he gaue it him in his teeth, take it how he would,) I say we should not so easily be ouerthrowne with his as­saults, as daily we are,For want of the good take heede. for lacke of due resistance. But come we now to more par­ticular and not so serious matter; haue not many men of right good conceit, serued themselues with diuerse pretie emblems, of this excrementall matter. As that in Alciat, to shew that base fellows oft-times [Page 19] swimme in the streame of good fortune, as well as the worthiest. ‘Nos quoque poma nat amus.’ Or as the old prouerbe,Pom [...], signi­fies horse­dong as well as apple [...]. as well as em­bleme, that doth admonish men not to contend with base and ignominious per­sons.

Which Embleme had almost hindred me the writing of this present discourse, saue that a good friend of mine told me, that this is a fansie and not a fight, and that if it should grow to a fight; he assured me I had found so excellent a warde against his chiefe dart, which is his strong breath, that I were like to quit my handes in the fray, as well as any man. But to proceede in these rare Emblemes; who hath not read or heard, of the Picture made in Germanie, at the first rising of Luther? where to shew as it were by an Embleme, with what drosse, and draffe, the Pope and his partners fed the people; they caused him to be purtraied in his Pontificalibus riding on a great sow, and holding be­fore [Page 20] her taster, a dirty pudding: which dirtie deuise, Sleidan the Historian verie iustly and grauely, both reports and re­proues; yet it serued a turne for the time, and made great sport to the people. But when this May-game was done, an hun­dred thousand of them came home by weeping crosse; so as the poore sow was not onely sold by the eares, but sould by a drumme, or slaine by the sword. Yet the Flaunders cow, had more wit then the Germane sow: for she was made after an other sort, viz. the Mirror of Princes fee­ding her, the Terror of Princes spurring her, the Prince of Orange milking her, or after some such fashion, for I may faile in the particulars; but the conclusion was, that Monsieur d' Allanson (who indeede with most noble endeuour, though not with so happie successe, attempted them) would haue pulled her backe by the taile, and she filed his fingers. And thus much for Emblemes. Now for poesie (though Emblemes also are a kind of poesie) I ra­ther doubt, that the often vsage of such words, wil make the Poets be condemned; then that the Poets authorities, will make [Page 21] the wordes be allowed: but if their exam­ple can giue any countenāce to them, they shall want none. It is certaine, that of all poems, the Epigram is the wittiest, & of al that writes Epigrams, Martiall is counted the pleasantest. He in his 38. ep. of his first booke, hath a distichon, that is very plya­ble to my purpose; of one that was so stately, that her close stoole was of gold, but her drinking cup of glasse.

And in the same booke, to the gētlewomā that had a pleasure, to haue her dogge licke her lips, as many do now a dayes.

Further in his third booke, he mocks one of his fellow Poets, that draue away all good company with his verses, euery man thought it such a penance to heare them.

Whereby the way, you may note that the French curtesie I spake of before, came from the Romaines; sith in Martials time, they shunned not one the others compa­nie, at Monsieur AIAX. But now it may be some man will say, that these wanton and ribald phrases, were pleasing to those times of licentiousnesse, and paganisme that knew not Christ; but now they are abhorred and detested, & quite out of re­quest. I would to God with all my heart, he lyed not that so sayd; and that indeede Religiō could roote out as it should do, all such wanton and vaine toyes (if they be all wanton and vaine) yet I am sure, that euen in this age, & in this realme, men of worth, and wit, haue vsed the wordes and phrases, in as homely sort as Martial, some in light, some in serious matter. Among Sir Thomas Mores Epigrams, that flie o­uer all Europe for their wit & conceit, the very last (to make a sweet cōclusion) is this,

Which for their sakes that loue garlicke, I haue taken some paines with, though it went against my stomacke once or twise.

Now fie, will you name it, and reade it to Ladies, thus you make them blame me that meant no lesse. But to come againe to pleasant Sir Thomas, he hath another Epigram, that though this was but a sowre one, I durst as liue be his halfe at this as at that, and it is about a medicine for the collicke.

Thus il-fauoredly in English,Non'est bonum luderecum sanctu. for I will tell you true, my Muse was afraide to translate this Epigram:It is good to play with your fellows. & she brought me out three or foure sayings against it, both in Latine [Page 24] and English:An [...]escis lon­ [...]as regibus esse manus. and two or three shrewd ex­amples, both of this last Poet, who died not of the collicke,He was be­headed. and of one Colling­borne, that was hanged for a distichon of a Cat, a rat, & a dogge. Yet I opposed Mu­rus aheneus esto nil conscire sibi, and so with much a do, she came out with it.

And when she had made it in this sorie fa­shion, she bad me wish my friends, that no mā should follow Sir Th. Mores humour, to write such Epigrās as he wrate, except he had the spirite,Two Apo­thegmes of Sir Thomas More. to speake two such Apo­thegmes as he spake, of which the last seemes to fall fit into our text. The first was, when the King sent to him to know if he had chaunged his minde; he answered, yea: the King sent straight a counseller to him, to take his subscription to the fix Ar­ticles. Oh said he, I haue not chaunged my minde in that matter, but onely in this; I [Page 25] thought to haue sent for a Barber, to haue bene shauen ere I had died, but now if it please the King, he shall cut off head; and beard, and all together. But the other was milder, and pretier; for after this, one com­ming to him as of good will, to tell him he must prepare him to dye, for he could not liue: he called for his vrinall, and hauing made water in it, he cast it, & viewed it (as Physiciās do) a prety while; at last he sware soberly, that he saw nothing in that mans water, but that he might liue, if it plea­sed the King; a pre [...]i [...] saying, both to note his owne innocency, and moue the Prince to mercy: and it is like, if this tale had bene as friendly told the King, as the other per­haps was vnfriendly enforced against him, sure the King had pardoned him. But a­las what cared hee, (to say truth) what neede he care, that cared not for death? But to step backe to my teshe (though euerie place I step to, yeeldes me sweeter discourse) what thinke you by Haywood, that scaped hanging with his mirth, the King being graciously and (as I thinke) tru­ly perswaded, that a mā that wrate so plea­sant and harmelesse verses, could not haue [Page 26] any harmefull conceit against his procee­dings, and so by the honest motion of a Gentleman of his chāber, saued him from the ierke of the six stringd whip. This Hay­wood for his Prouerbs & Epigrams, is not yet put downe by any of our countrey, though one doth indeed come neare him, that graces him the more, in saying he puts him downe. But both of them haue made sport with as homely words as ours be▪ M. Dauies. one of a Gentlewomans gloue, saue that with­out his consent it is no good manners to publish it but old Haywoods sayth:

And another not vnpleasant, one that I cannot omit.

[Page 27] Such a thing it was, but not hauing the booke here, and my memorie being no better then I would haue it, I haue stum­bled on it as well as I can. But now to strike this matter dead with a sound au­thoritie indeede, and in so serious a mat­ter as vnder heauen is no weightier, to such a person, as in the world is no wor­thier, from such a scholer, as in Oxford was no learneder, marke what a verse here is, an Eucharisticall and Pareneticall verse. He saith:

If he had sayd Stercora, I could guesse well enough what it had meant, but that the Greek hath in some eares a better empha­sis. Thus writes their great Cāpiano [...], that confoundes all the Puritano Pa pist as. M. Raynolds much more seemly vseth the meta­phor, li. 1 c. 8. p. 290. And yet to say truly, I make no great boast of his authoritie to my text. If I had alled­ged him in Diuinitie, I would haue stood [...]ustily to it,Iesuitae [...]imum in ipsius capt [...] re [...]orquere. and sayd [...], but for verses in prayse of his Mistresse, there be twentie of vs may set him to schoole: for be it spo­ken without disgrace or disprayse to his Poetrie, such a metaphor had bene fitter [Page 28] for a plaine Dame, abhorring all Princely pompe, and not refusing to weare russet coates, then for the magnificent Maie­stie of a Mayden Monarke. Beleeue me, I would fayne haue made him speake good rime in English, but (as I am a true [...]) I beat my braynes about it, the space that one may go with the tyde from London bridge, downe where the Priest fell in vpon the mayd, and from thence almost to Wapping, and yet I could not couch it into a cleanely distichon. But yet because I know Mistresse Philostilpnos will haue a great minde to know what it meanes, I will tell her by some handsome circumlocution. His meaning is, that a Ladie of Ladies, did for zeale to the Lord of Lordes, take the like paines to purge some Popish abuses, as the great giantly Hercules did for Augeus. Now what ma­ner of worke that was, in the processe of this discourse one way or other, you shall see me bring it in, though yet I know not where will be the fittest place for it: here yet you see by the way I haue told the mās meaning reasonable mannerly, yet still me thinke I can say of his metaphor,

But I pray you let me go backe againe to mery Martiall: for I should haue one more of his, if I haue not lost it, Ad Phoe­bum. Oh here I haue it.

He aduises him to take somewhat to make him soluble, for his face looked as if he were asking, who should be M. Mayor the next yeare. But I thinke this iest was bor­rowed of Vespasianus foole, or else the foole borrowed it of him: but the iest is worthy to be receiued into this discourse. This foole had iested somewhat at all the boord, saue Vespasian him selfe; and be­like he thought, it was ill playing with edge tooles, and Emperours; but Vespasi­an commaunded him, and promised him franke pardon, to breake a good iest vpon him. Well Sir (then said the foole) I will but tary till you haue done your businesse; whereby he quipped the Emperours ill feature of face, that euen when he was meriest, looked as if he had bene wringing [Page 30] hard on a close stoole. But let vs seek some better authorities then Epigrams and Ie­sters: sure I am I shall finde in historie, which is called nuncia vetustatis, vita me­moriae, the reporter of antiquities, the life of memory, many phrases, expressing the same action, and not thinking their stile any whit abased thereby. He that writes the first booke of Samuel tels, that Dauid did cut off the lap of Saules coate,1. Sam. 24. Spelūca quam i [...]gressus est Saul, vt pur­garet ventrem. & leaues not to tell, what Saule was then doing. The writer of Bassianus life telles, how he was not onely priuily murdred, but mur­dred at the priuy. Heliogabulus body was throwen into a Iakes,S [...]etonius. as writ [...]th Suetoni­us. Lastly the best, and best written part of all our Chronicles, in all mens opinions, is that of Richard the third, written as I haue heard by Moorton▪ but as most sup­pose, by that worthy, and vncorrupt Magi­strate, Sir Thomas More, sometime Lord Chancelor of England, where it is writtē, how the king was deuising with Teril, how to haue his nephews priuily murdred, and it is added, he was thē sitting on a draught (a fit carpet for such a coūsel.) But to leaue these tragicall matters, and come to comi­call, [Page 31] looke into your sports of hauking and hunting, of which noble recreations, the noble Sir Philip Sidney was wont to say, that next hunting, he liked hauking worst, but the faulconers and hunters would be euen with him, and say, that these bookish fellowes, such as he, could iudge of no sports, but within the verge of the faire fields of Helicon, Pindus, and Pernasus. Now I would aske you Sir, lest you should thinke I neuer read Sir Tristram. Doe you not sometime (beside the fine phrase, or rather Metaphor, of inewing a woodcock) talke, both of putting a heron to the mount, & then of his s [...]cing? [...]ell of spring­ing a pheasant and a partridge, and finde them out by their dropping? Doe you not further, to iudge of your haulkes health; looke on her casting? if it be blacke at one end, and the rest yellow, you feare she hath the phillanders, if it be all blacke, you shall see and smell, she is not sound. Lastly, you haue a speciall regard to obserue, if she make a cleane mute. Moreouer for hūting, when you haue harbourd a stag, or lod­ged a buck, doth not the keeper, before he comes to rouse him from his lodging, [Page 32] (not without some ceremony) shew you his femishing, that thereby you may iudge if he be a seasonable deare? And soone af­ter, followes the melodious cry of the hounds, which the good Lady could not heare, because the dogs kept such a bar­king. And when all this is done, and you are rehearsing at dinner what great sport you haue had: in the middest of your sweet meates, in comes Melampus, or Ring­wood, that sang the base that morning, and in the returne home, lighted vppon some powderd vermin, and layes a chase vnder the table, that makes all as sweet as any su­ger-carrion; & all this you willingly beare with, because it is your pastime. Thus you must needes confesse, it is more then ma­nifest, that without reproofe of ribaldry, or scurrility, writings both holy, and pro­phane, Emblemes, Epigrams, Histories, and ordinary and familiar communicati­on; admits the vse of the words, with all their apurtenaunces; in citing examples whereof, I haue bene the more copious, because of this captious time, so ready to backebite euery mans worke, and I would forewarne men not to bite here, lest they [Page 33] bite an vnsauory morsell. But here me thinke it were good to make a pause, & (as it were at a long dinner) to take away the first course; which commonly is of the coursest meate, as powdred bie [...]e and mu­stard, or rather (to compare it fitter) fresh biefe and garlicke; for that hath three pro­perties, more suting to this discourse: viz. to make a man winke, drinke, and stinke. Now for your second course, I could wish I had some larkes, and quailes, but you must haue such as the market I come from will affoord, alwaies remembred, that our retiring place, or place of rende vous (as is expedient when men haue filled their bel­lies) must be Monsieur AIAX, for I must still keepe me to my tesh: wherefore as I say, here I will make the first stop, and if you mislike not the fare thus farre, I will make the second course make you some a­mends.

THE SECOND SECTION, prouing the matter not to be contemptible.

IT hath bene in the former part hereof sufficiently pro­ued, that there is no obsce­nity, or barbarisme in words concerning our necessaries: but now for the place, where these neces­saries are to be done, perhaps some will obiect, that it was neuer of that impor­tāce, but that it was left to each mans own care to prouide, for that which concerned his owne peculiar necessitie. It is not so, for I can bring very aut [...]nticall proofs out of auncient records, and histories; that the greatest magistrates that euer were, haue employed their wits, their care, and their cost, about these places; as also haue made diuerse good lawes, proclamations, and decrees about the same: & all thereto belonging; as by this that ensues shall more plainely appeare. In the handling [Page 35] whereof. I will vse a cōtrary method to the former: for I wil begin now with prophane stories, and end with deuine. First there­fore most certaine it is, that mischiefes make vs seeke remedies, diseases make vs find medicines, & euill maners make good lawes. And as in all other things, so by all likelyhood in this we now treate of, when companies of men began first to increase, and make of families townes, and of towns cities, they quickly found not onely of­fence, but infection, to grow out of great concourse of people, if speciall care were not had to auoyd it. And because they could not remoue houses, as they do tents, from place to place, they were driuen to finde the best meanes that their wits did then serue them, to couer, rather then to auoyd these annoiances: either by digging pits in the earth, or placing the common houses ouer riuers: but as Tully saith of Metaphors, that they were like our appa­rell: first deuised to hide nakednesse, then applied for comelinesse, and lastly abu­sed for pride: so I may say of these home­ly places, that first they were prouided for b [...]e necessitie, for indeede till Romulus [Page 36] time I finde little mention of them; then they came to be matters of some more cost, as shall appeare in examples follow­ing; and I thinke I might also lay pride to their charge: for I haue seene them in ca­ses of fugerd sattin, and veluet (which is flat against the statute of apparell) but for sweetnesse or cleanlines,33. Henry 8. For it is no reason M. A­IAX should haue a better gowne then his Mistresse. I neuer knew yet any of them guilty of it; but that if they had but waited on a Lady in her chamber a day, or a night, they would haue made a man (at his next entrance into the cham­ber) haue sayd, fo, good speedye. Now, as scholers do daily seeke out new phrases, & metaphors; and Tailors do oft inuent new vardingales, and breeches: so I see no rea­son, but Magistrates may as well now as heretofore, deuise new orders for cleanli­nesse, and wholsomnesse. But now to the stories, I alledged before, as it were at the second hand, out of Lactantius; how Titus Tacius that was king with Romulus, erected the Statue of the Goddesse Cloacina, in a great Priuy, made for that purpose. I finde after this in the story of Liuy, how Tar­quinius Pryscus, a man of excellent good spirit, but husband to awife of a more ex­cellent [Page 37] spirit; a man that wan a kingdome with making a learned oration, and lost it with hearing a rude one; a king, that was first crowned by an Eagle, counselled by an Augure, and killed by a traytor; whose raigne & his ruine, were both most strāge­ly foretold. This worthy Prince is repor­ted by that excellent historian, to haue made two prouisions for his city, one for warre, the other for peace, both very com­mendable: for warre a stone wall about the towne, to defend them from outward inuasions; and for peace, a goodly Iakes within the towne, with a vault to conuey all the filth into Tiber, to preserue them from inward infection.

Not long after him raigned Tarquini­us, surnamed the Proud, a tyrāt I confesse, and an vsurper, and husband to a dragon rather then a woman: but himselfe surely, a man valiant in war, prouident in peace, and in that yong world, a notable politici­an: of whom Liuy takes this speciall note, that comming to the crown without law, and fearing others might follow his ex­ample, to do that to him, he had done to another [...] he was the first that appointed a [Page 38] a guard for his person, the first that drew publike matters to priuate hearings, the first that made priuate wars, priuat peace, priuate confederacies; the first that lesse­ned the number of the Senators; the first, that when any of them died, kept their roomes voyde, with many excellent Ma­chiauillen lessons; which, who so wold be better instructed of, let him read but his accusing of Turnus, his stratagem against the Gabians, &c. But the matter I would praise him for, is none of all these, but on­ly, because he built a stately temple, and a costly Iakes, the words be, Cloacámque ma­ximam receptaculum omnium purgamento­rum vrbis, a mighty great vault to receiue all the filth of the city. Of which two works, ioyning them both together, Liuy saith thus, Quibus duobus operibus, vix no­ua haec magnificentia quicquam adequauit. Which two great works, the new magni­ficence of this our age, can hardly match. Now though Brutus, after in a popular & seditious oration, to incite the multitude to rebellion, debased this worthy worke of his, saying he wasted the treasure of the realme, and tyred & toyled out the people, [Page 39] in exhauriēdis cloacis, in emptying of Iaxes (for that was his word) yet it appeares by the history, that if his son had not deflou­red the chast Lucrece (the mirrour of her sex) Brutus with his fained folly, true va­lue, and great eloquence, could neuer haue displaced him. For euen with all his faults you see, that Brutus his owne sons would haue had him againe; who laying their heads together, with many yong gallants, that thought them selues much wiser then their fathers; concluded among thēselues, that a king was better then a Consull, a Court better then a Senate; that to liue onely by lawes, was too strict and rigorous a life, and better for pesantly then prince­ly dispositions: that Kings could fauour, as well as frowne, reward, as well as reuenge, pardon, as well as punish, whereas the law was mercilesse, mute, and immutable, fi­nally, they concluded it was ill liuing for them, where nothing but innocency could protect a man. Lo Brutus, how elo­quently thy sons can plead against their fa­ther; but thou hast a Iury of sure free-hol­ders, that gaue a verdite against them, and thy selfe wast both iudge and shiriffe, [Page 40] and hastenedst execution.

O braue minded Brutus! I will not call thee primus Romanorum, because one was shent for calling one of thy posterity, vlti­mus Romanorum, but this I must truly say, they were two Brutish parts both of him, and you; one to kil his sons for treason, the other to kill his father in treason;Caesar called Brutus son, and sayd to him when he stabd at him, [...]. and yet you would both make vs beleeue you had reason, and why so? forsooth because Victrix causa placet superis, sed victa Catoni. That is to say in English, You had great fortune, and your cosin had great friends, yet neither died in bed, but both in battell, onely his death was his enemies aduance­ment, and thy death was thy enemies de­struction. But to omit these trifles, and to returne to my tesh; whereas thou railest a­gainst so great a Prince, for making of so sumptuous a Iakes, this I cannot endure at thy hands: & if thou hadst played me such a sawcy part here in my countrey, first of mine owne authority,It seems the writer here­of would fain be thought a Iustice of peace. I would haue gran­ted the good behauiour against you: se­condly, Tarquinius him selfe might haue Scandalum magnatum against you: & third­ly, a bill should haue bene framed against [Page 41] you in the Star chamber, vpon the statute of vnlawfull assemblies: & then you would haue wisht you had kept your eloquence to your selfe, and not when a man hath done but two good workes in all his life, you to stand rayling at one of them. For suppose that Tarquin had giuen me but a fee, thus would I pleade for him. Maister Brutus you haue made vs beleeue all this while, you were but a foole; but I see now, if one had begged you, he should haue found you a Bygamus. And whereas you seeme to disgrace my honorable client, for making of A IAX, I dare vndertake to proue it, that your owne lawes, your religi­ons, your customes, yea your conscience, is against you, and shews, it is but a meere calumniation. For to omit Dame Cloacina, so lately deified, did not the noble Hercu­les, whom you Brutus honor as a God, far ancienter then Quirinus, and Romulus, a­mong those many labours that eternized his memory, make cleane Augeus dūghils.

If the worke haue a basenesse, Tarquinius but with his purse, Hercules with his [Page 42] person effected it, leauing a patterne to posterity both of labour and wit, for by turning a streame of water on the micke­sons, he scowred away that in a weeke, that an hundred could scant haue done in a yeare. Then would I end with some excla­mation, and say, O tempora, ô mores! Oh times, oh manners! If a man be not popu­lar, you will straight say, he is proud; if he keepe good hospitality, you will say he doth but fill many Iaxes; if he build goodly vauts for sewers, you will say, he spends his treasure in exhauriendis cloacis Or rather I would say, O Hercules come and bend thy bow against Brutus, that shootes arrowes through thy sides to slay Tarquinius.Martial. 505 Ca [...]p [...]r [...]usidi [...] fertur meacarmina qui [...] N [...]scio si sciero ve ti [...]i causi­dice. But now let me leaue playing the lawyer, and lawyerlike be friēds immediatly with him whom euē now I talked against so earnest­ly, I meane with Brutus; because indeed sa­uing in this one case, I neuer meane to be of counsell with Tarquin: for such proud clients will speake vs passing faire while we serue their turnes, & after picke a quarrell against vs when we sue for a reward. Now therefore to go forward with the story.

When this valiant Brutus had thus [Page 43] discharged the Kings and Queenes out of the packe, and shewed himselfe indeede a sworne and vowed enemy to all the coate cardes, there crept in many new formes of gouernment, and euery one worse then other, namely, Consuls, Dictators, Decem­uiri, Tribunes, Triumuiri, till at last after oft enterchanges, it came to the gouernment of Emperours. In all which times, there were not onely lawes, and speciall caueats giuen to the great officers in time of war and danger, Ne quid respab detrimentica­peret, to looke to the safety of the maine chance (the cōmon wealth) but also there were officers of good account, as Aediles, Praetores vrbis▪ that made inquiries de stilli­cijis, de aquae ductibus, of reparatiō of hou­ses, of watercourses, or common sewers, of which I could recite out of the 43. booke of the Digest. tit. 23. de cloacis. where you shall finde: It was lawfull for any man pur­gare & reficere cloacam: What officers were to licence him that would priuatam cloacam facere, quae habeat exitum in publi­cum: What speciall care was to be had of Tubus and Fistula. Lastly, that nouam cloa­cam facere is concedit, cui publicar [...] ̄ viarum [Page 44] cura sit. That is, that no man might make a new Iakes, but he that had licence of the wardens of high wayes. With much more which I would cite, if it were not to auoid prolixity. And from them no doubt was deriued our commission of sewers, of which, the best of vs all I hope, will take no scorne: which commission, though in our countrey it is chiefly intended to keepe o­pen the chanels of riuers in the deepe countrey, that the water may haue free passage. Yet the very name imports, that therin is comprised the subiect of my pre­sent Discourse, which in populous townes had as much neede to be looked to, as the other, infection being fit to be auoided as­well as innundation. But now I hasten to imperiall examples: for though I haue shewed already some authorities for my text, out of the practise of the lawes, the prouident care of Magistrates, the magni­ficent cost of kings, the religion (though false) of pagans. Yet vntill I haue added to all these, the maiesty of Emperours, and the verity of Scriptures, I suppose some carping mouths will not be stopped.

The first example I meete with among [Page 45] the Emperours,Some of our rude coun­treymen En­glish this ob­torto collo, hā ­ging an arse. was a matter rather of curtesie then cost: and if any man will say, that I draw this into my Treatise, as it were obtorto collo, I answere, that in my vnder­standing, the tale falleth so fit and proper vnto this discourse, as indeede to haue brought it into any discourse sauing of A­IAX, I would say it were vnproper and vn­ciuill. The argument holdes à min [...]re ad maius. Now hearken to my tale. Claudius Emperour of Rome, and husband to that filthie Masselyna, Agrippa saith of her, that she lay with 22. seue­ral mē in 24. houres, at the common stewes. & tādem las­sata viris non satiata redijt. (Vilissima quae fuerunt vel sunt,) she that was worthie, for the commonnesse of her bodie (be it spoken with sauing the reuerence of all women that are or were, saue her selfe) to haue bin metamorphized into AIAX, rather then poore Hecuba, for barking at him that kild her son, into a bitch. This Claudius I say, though not for cost (as Tarquin) yet for his curtesie was greatly to be commended: for a Gentleman one day being talking with him, and falling suddenly into a grieuous fit of the cholicke, the poore Gentleman would not for good manners sake breake wind, which might presently haue eased him, & after the disease increased so sore on [Page 44] [...] [Page 45] [...] [Page 46] him that he died. The Emperour enfor­med of his death, was much grieued there­at, specially hearing of the cause, & imme­diatly thereupon made it be solemnly pro­claimed, that if any mā hereafter should be troubled with the cholick, it should not be taken for ill maners to break wind, though it were in the Emperours owne company. Now it may be, some man in disgrace of this proclamation, will say, that this Clau­dius was but a cuckold and a foole. I an­swer, that for the cuckold, that was none of his fault, & if it were a fault, God forbid all our faults should be seene on our fore­heads▪ And for the foole, the old prouerbe may serue vs, Stultorū plena sunt omnia, the world is full of fooles. But take heede how you beg him for a foole, for I haue heard of one that was begged in the Court of wards for a foole, & when it came to triall, he proued a wiser man by much, then he that begged him. And though I haue small skill in the law, specially in these preroga­tiue cases, (for I must confesse I studied Littleton but to the title of discōtinuance) yet me thinke I should finde a quirke, to make thē that should beg him haue a cold [Page 47] sute in the court of wards. For I take it to be a ruled case, that though a man h [...]ld wholly in Capite, put the case by a whole Knights seruice, or halfe a nights seruice, yet if he be couert Baron, as Claudius was (for I am sure his wife ware the breeches) & being at his foole age of 31. the Custodia must of course be graunted to the wife, al­though the man be plus digne de sang. And thus much we say, sauing to our selues all aduātage of exceptiō to the vnsufficiencie of the bill,Two par [...]s why Cl [...]udi­us was estee­med a foole. Looke Sue­ton. &c. And without that the sayd Claudius did fondly to cause a mans hand to be cut off vpon the motion of a strāger, and without that he had almost marred all the pastime he & his friends should haue had at a Naumachia or sea-game, with resaluting the slaues that should haue fought, in good Latin. And lastly, without that the sayd Claudius at his being in En­glandClaudius was in En­gland. (though he was counted one of the best free-holders in Middlesex) could for­feit any land that he held by the right of his sword, either in fee-simple, or fee-taile, either by the socke, or the smocke, to any other Lady, but the Lady his wife. But alas Claudius, thy friendes may say, that I am [Page 48] a bad Lawyer, for all this while I haue done litle better then confesse the action, but I care not seeing thou art dead, Mortui non mordent, and it were fitter now to preach for thee, then to pleade for thee: well then for thy gentle proclamatiōs sake, loe what in sadnesse (if I were to make thy funerall Sermon) I would say for thee, that howso­euer some writers haue wrōged thee with the name of a foole,He is called foole to his face. in one of thy iudge­ments I may liken thy wisedome to Salo­mon,But hereby hangs a tale. Claudius his iudgement like that of Salomon. and in one of thy iests, I can compare thy wit with Diogenes. Asse for example, a womā on a time disclaiming her sonne, & pretending that for conscience sake she must needes confesse a truth, viz. how her owne child died, & this was a Supposititius, a substitute in his place, for auoyding of her husbands displeasure, no euidence ap­pearing to the contrary, & the next heire following the matter very hard, by cōplot with the mother, who remained obstinate in the tale, Claudius then sitting in iudge­ment, seemes to beleeue it, and seeing the man a comely young man, and she no old womā, and oft protesting she maliced him not: he commanded her immediatly in his [Page 49] presence to marrie him. The malicious mother driuen to that vnlookt for pinch, openly confessed her vnnaturall malice, to auoyde so vnnaturall a mariage; and thus much for his iustice; now let vs here what his iest is. A certaine Gentleman that had his fingers made of lime twigges, stole a peece of plate from Claudius one day at a banket; the conueyaunce was not so clean­ly, but one had spied it, and told the Empe­rour, & offered to accuse him of it, where­by his goods might haue bene all confis­cate: but this good Prince would neither head him nor hang him, no nor so much as once suffer him to be troubled; onely the next time he came, he caused him to be serued in an earthen dish. The Gentle­man being abashed at it, for the dish gaue him his dinner. Claudius was so far from laying his crime in his dish, that he sayd, be of good cheare man, and fall to thy meate, & whē thou hast dined put vp that dish too: for I will spare thee that with a better will then the last, for perhaps thou hast a minde to poke vp thy dish when thou likest thy meate well. And so farewell good Claudius, & when any of my friends [Page 50] are troubled with the collicke. I hope I shall make them remember thee.

The next Emperour that is fit to bring into this discourse, is Vespasian, though his predecessour Vitellius, who is noted to haue bin a passing greater eater, would (I thinke) haue takē it in good part, to haue bin offred a cleanly & easie place for ege­stion after his good digestion. But to the purpose. Vespasian before he was Empe­rour had borne some other offices, among the which, one was Aedilis and it is written of him, that he incurred great displeasure with Otho thē Emperour, because he had not seene better to the keeping sweet of the streets, and caused the filth of them (according to his office) to be caried to the places appointed for the same. But af­terward himselfe cōming to be Emperour (though the Citie of Rome was before his time sufficiently furnished of Iaxes) yet it seemed there wāted other places of neare affinitie to thē (which he found belike whē he was Aedile by experience) I meane cer­taine pissing conduites: and therefore he caused diuerse to be erected in the most populous and frequented places of the [Page 51] Citie, and saued all the vrine in cesternes, and sold it for a good summe of money to the Dyers. But though I tell you the tale thus plainely, you must imagine the mat­ter was much more formally and sinely handled, and namely, that there was an E­dict set out in this sort.

Thus could I haue penned the Edict, if I had bene secretarie. For it had not bene worth a figge, if they had not artifi­cially couered the true intent (which was the profite) and gloriously set foorth the goodly and godly pretence (that was least thought on) viz. the health of the people, and cleane keeping of the temples. But I doubt, notwithstanding this goodly E­dict, it will be obiected, that it was con­demned for a base part, by a iudge whose sentence is aboue all appeale: I meane that noble Titus, deliciae humani generis, he that thought the day lost in which he had done no man good: to answer which, I would but say as was sayd to him, when the pissing money was put into the perfu­med purse, suauis odor lucri, the smell of gaine is sweet. And I dare vndertake, this answer will satisfie my Lord Maior of Lō ­don, and many of the worshipfull of the Citie, that make sweet gaines of stinking [Page 53] wares,Oyles, oad, tarre, &c. and will laugh and be fat, and say:

But I must find out a better aunswere for courtly wits, and therefore I say to them, that according to the discipline & custom of the Romanes (in my opinion, vnder re­formation of their better iudgements) this was so honorable a part of Vespasian, that he was therefore worthy to haue bene dei­fied. For if Saturnus were allowed as a God, by the name of Stercutius, as is be­fore alleaged, for finding a profitable vse of all manner soyle, I see a good reason (àpae­ribus) that Vespasian should aswell be dei­fied, for finding a meanes to make money of vrine, and accordingly to be named V­rinatius, of Vrina, as the other is, of Stercus, Stercutius. Further Vespasian was famous for two true miracles done by him, grea­ter then all their gods beside euer did. Now if any take exceptions to his face, be­cause the foole told him, he looked as if it went hard with him: trust me it shall goe hard with me too, but I will find somewhat to say, for him; and first I will get some of the painting that comes from the riuer of [Page 54] Orenoque, which will wonderfully mend his complexion. Secondly, I will say this, how bad soeuer his face was, he had some­thing so good, that a handsome woman gaue him a thousand crownes, for putting his seale with his labell to her pattent, and yet she exhibited the petition (as I take it) in forma paper, for she was starke naked. Once this I am sure Suetonius writes, that when his steward asked him, how he shold set down that 1000. crownes on his booke, he b [...]d him write it among his other per­quisites, in some such sort.

Now for his wit, though I could tell you two excellent tales, how he deceiued a groome of his chamber, of his brother, and how he would needs be halfe with his horse-keeper, for setting on a shoe on a horse that lacked none: yet I omit them both, because many will be too apt to fol­low the president, and I will keepe me very strictly to my tesh, and specially because I hasten to a most royall example. I meane of Traian. There is no man (I thinke) that [Page 55] hath either trauelled farre countreys, or read forraine stories, but hath either heard of the famous exploits and victories that he had, or seene some of the stately and sumptuous monumēts that he made. This Traian was Emperor of Rome, and then Emperor when Rome stood at her highest pitch of greatnes, a man whose conquests were most glorious, whose buildings were most gorgeous, whose iustice was most gracious, he that stayed his whole armie, to right the cause of one widdow, he that created a Magistrate, and deliuering him the sword for iustice, said to him, vse this for me as long as I gouerne iustly, but a­gainst me when I gouerne otherwise, he in whose time no learned mā was seene want, no poore man was seene begge, hee that would boast of Nerua his predecessor, of Plotina his wife, of Plutarke his councel­ler: finally, this Traian was so well accom­plished a Prince in all princely vertues, as no storie, no time, no memorie, in all points can match him. This most renow­ [...]ed Emperor, hearing there was a towne in Bithinia, farre off from Rome, and in a place where he was like neuer to bee [Page 56] troubled with the euill sauour, that was much annoyed for lacke of a good con­ueyance of the common priuies, thought himselfe bound (as a father to all his sub­iects) to prouide a remedie for such an in­conuenience, and of his owne purse hee tooke order for making a vault of great cost and charge in the citie. And for full satisfaction of the reader herein, I will set downe the two Epistles, as I find them in the tenth booke of the Epistles of Plinius Secundus to Traian Epist. 99.

Argumentum quaerit an. C. Plinius Secundus Traiano Imp. S. Amestrianorum ciuit as, domine, & eligans & ornata habet, inter praecipua opera pulcher­rimam, eandem (que) longissimam plateam, cuius à latere per spacium omne porrigitur, nomine quidem flumen re vera cloaca fedissima. Quae sicut turpis & immundissima aspectu it a pesti­lens est odore teterrimo. Quibus ex causis no [...] minus salubritatis quam decoris interest eam contegi, quod fiet si permiseris curantibus n [...] ­bis ne desit pecunia operi tam magno quam necessario. Which is thus in English.

Caius Plinius to Traian the Emperour greeting:The cōtents is, whether he shal couer the water that runs by the towne of Amestris. The Citie of the Amestrians [Page 57] (my Lord) being both commodious and beautifull, hath among her principall goodly buildings, a very faire and long streete, on the side whereof runneth tho­rough the whole length of it, a brooke, in name (for it is called so) but indeede a most filthy Iakes; which as it is foule and most vncleanely to behold, so is it infe­ctious with the horrible vile sauour, wher­fore it were expedient, no lesse for whol­somenesse then for handsomnesse, to haue it vaulted, which shall be done if it please you to allow it, and I will take care that there shall be no want of money for such a worke, no lesse chargeable then necessa­rie. Thus writes Plinius Secundus, a Ro­mane Senator, and as it were a deputie Lieutenant in the Prouince of Bithinia, to the great Traian, and I doe halfe maruell he durst write so, for had it beene in the time of Domitian, Commodus or Nero, either Martiall should haue iested at him with an Epigram, or some secretarie that had enuied his honest reputation, should haue bene willed to haue aunswered the letter in some scornefull sort, and would haue written thus.

[Page 58]Maister Plinie, my Lord God the Em­perour,Che scrisse tac­cia [...]t piu [...]. not vouchsafing to answere your letter him selfe, hath commaunded me to write thus much to you, that he maruels you will presume to trouble his diuine Maiestie with matters of so base regard, that your father being held a wise man, and a learned, might haue taught you better manners, that his Maiestie hath matters of greater import, concerning the state of Empire, both for warre & peace, to employ his treasure in. Thus much I was commaunded to write. Now for mine owne part, let me say thus much to you, that I heard my Lord God the Emperour say, that if the ill sauour annoy you, you may send to your Mistresse for a perfumed handkerchife to stop your nose, and that some Physicians say, the smell of a Iakes is good against the plague. Some such answere as this, had bene like to haue come from some of those beastly Empe­rours, and their filthie followers. But how did Traian answere it? I will set you downe his owne letter, out of the same booke, in the same language.

Thus in English. It is good reason, my dearest Secundus, that the water be couered that runs by the citie of the Amestrians, if the want of couering may breede infection. And for money for the worke, I make no question, but you according to your accu­stomed diligēce, will make prouisiō. Short and sweet, yea most sweet indeed, because it was of an vnsauorie matter. But I had al­most forgot to English the argument, and then folkes might laugh indeede at me, and thinke I were Magister incipiens with ans, & say I could not English these three words, permittit confornicari cloacā; what the good yeare, what is the same conforni­cari? trust me there is a word I neuer read in Homer nor Aristotle, marry indeede they wrote but ill Latine, no nor in Tully, in Liuie, in Tacitus, nor in all the Poets: [Page 60] what a straunge worde is this? Ho sirra bring hither the Dictionarie. Which of them, Cooper? No no, Thomas Coperus omisit plurima verba. Which then, that with the French afore the Latin, or Tho­mas Thomas? Yea, bring me them two. What hast thou brought the two dictio­naries? I meant but the two Thomases. Come old friend Tom,A great offi­cer among the boyes at Eaton, Mai­ster of the rods.Tom, Qui fuer as quō ­dam clarae praepositor aulae, you haue made rods to ierke me withall ere now, I thinke I shal giue you a ierke, if you do not helpe me to some English for this word. Looke it sirra there in the dictionarie. Con, con. Tush what dost thou looke in the French? thou wilt make a sweete peece of looking, to looke for confornicar in the French: looke in the Latin for fornicor. F, fa, fe, fi, fo, for, for, foramen, forfex, forica, forma, forni­cator, (now I thinke I am neare it) fornix, fornicor,Eliots dictio­narie and Coopers pla­ced these 2. words, too neare togi­ther.aris, are. There, what is that? A vault, to vault or arch any thing with a cō ­passe. Well said, carrie away the bookes a­gaine, now I haue it: then thus it is, He al­loweth the vaulting or arching ouer of the Iakes. Mary Gods blessing on his heart for his labour, and I loue him the better for it. [Page 61] Wherfore (most noble Traian) thou mayst well be called the patterne of all princely qualities, comely, bountiful, martial, mer­cifull, a louer of learning, moderate in pri­uate expences, magnificent in publike, most goodly of stature, amiable, not onely in thy vertues, but euen in thy vices. For to say the worst was euer said of thee, these were all thy faults, ambition, or desiry of glorie in warres, loue of women, and per­secuting of religion. For so they ioyne thee, Nero, Domitianus, Traianus, Anto­ninus, Pontifices Romanos laniarunt. To which thus I aunswer without a fee, but with all my heart: that thy ambition was so honorable, and thy warlicke humour so well tempered, that thou didst truly wit­nesse of thy selfe, that thou didst neuer en­uy any mans honour, for the confidence thou haddest of thine owne worth: and all the world can witnesse, that thou neuer didst make vniust warre, nor refuse anie iust or indifferent peace. For that same sweet sinne of lecherie, I would say as the Frier sayd, a young man and a young wo­man in a greene arber in a May morning; if God do not forgiue it, I would. For as sir [Page 62] Thomas More saith of Edward the fourth [...] he was subiect to a sin, from which, health of bodie in great prosperitie of fortune, without a speciall grace, hardly refrayneth. And to speake vprightly of him, his lusts were not furious, but friendly, able with his goodly person, his sweete behauiour, and his bountifull gifts, to haue won Lu­cretia. Besides, no doubt his [...] was the lesse, in that he euer loued his wife most dearely, and vsed her most respectiuely: for I haue euer maintained this paradox, it is better to loue two too many, then one too few. Lastly, for the persecution of thy time, though I dare not defend it, yet there is a maxime, inuincibilis ignorantia recu­sat, and sure thou didst not know the truth, and thy persecution was very gentle, and halfe against thy will, as appeareth by the 98. Epistle of the tenth booke of Plin. Epistles, where thou doest vtterly reiect all secret promoeters, and dost pronounce against the strict inquisition, Conquirendi non sunt, &c. Wherefore I doubt not to pronounce, that I hope thy soule is in hea­uen, both because those thou didst per­secute prayed for thee, wishing to thee, as [Page 63] Tertul. saith; Vitam prolixam, imperium se­curum, domum tutam, exercitus fortes, Sena­tum fidelem, populum probum, orbem quietū. A long life, a happy raigne, a safe dwelling, strong armies, a faithfull Senate, honest people, and a quiet world. Further, it is written by authors of some credite, that thy soule was deliuered out of hell, at the prayer of great S. Gregorie, which though I am not bound to beleeue,S. Damas [...]en S. Brigid write this of Traian, be­leeue them who list, for though it seem Popish, yet it mini­sters an argument against some Popish opinions. yet as in loue, I had rather loue too many thē too few, so in charitie, I had rather beleeue too much then too litle. As for that Scripture, ex in­ferno nulla redemptio, I haue heard it oft al­leaged by great clerkes, but I thinke it is in the Epistle of S. Paule to the Laodice­ans, or in Nicodemus Gospell: for I neuer yet could find it in the Bible. Wherefore this I will frankely say for Traian, that whersoeuer I find a Prince or a Peere with so great vertues, and so few vices, I will honour him, loue him, extoll him, admire him, and pronounce this of him; that the armie is happie that hath such a Generall, the Prince happie that hath such a coun­cellor, the Mistresse happie that hath such a seruant, and thus I end my prophane [Page 64] authorities, & now I come to the deuine, wherein I thinke I shall serue you in the bāket I haue promised you as my self haue bene serued many times at our cōmence­ment feasts, and such like in Cambridge, that when we haue bene in the middest of some pleasant argument, suddenly the Bi­bler hath come, and with a loud and audi­ble voyce begun with Incipit libri Deutero­nomium, caput vicesimum ter-cium. And then suddenly we haue bene all s't tacete, and hearkened to the Scripture, for euen so must I now after all our pleasant stories, bring in as I promised, some diuine autho­rities, to the which I pray you let vs with all due reuerence be attentiue.

In the aforesaid 23.Authorities of Sripture. Chapter of Deute­ronomie, in the 12. verse, I find this text:

12 Habebis locum extra castra ad quem egrediaris ad requisita naturae.

13 Gerens paxillum in balt [...]o, cumque se­deris fodies per circuitum, & egesta humo o­peries quo releuatus es.

14 Dominus enim Deus tuus ambulat in me­dio castrorū, vt eruat te & tradat tibi inimi­cos tuos, & sint castra tua sācta, & nihil in eis appareat foeditatis, ne derelinquat te. That is.

[Page 65]12 Thou shalt haue a place without thy tents, to which thou shalt go to do the necessities of nature.

13 Carying a spade staffe in thy hand,Or a trowell. and when thou wilt ease thee, thou shalt cut a round turfe, & thou shalt couer thy excrements therewith, in the place where thou didst ease thy selfe.

14 For the Lord thy God walketh in the midst of thy tents to deliuer thee, and to giue thy enemies into the hāds, that thy tents may be holy, and that there appeare no filthinesse in them, lest he forsake thee.

But me thinke some may say vpon hea­ring of this text, What is it possible there should he such a Scripture, that handleth so homely matters? I can hardly beleeue it; I haue alwaies had a bible in my parlour these many yeares, and oft time when the weather hath bene foule, and that I haue had no other booke to reade on, and haue wanted company to play at cards or tables with me, I haue read in those bookes of the old Testament, at least halfe an houre by the clocke, & yet I remember not anie such matter. Nay further, I haue heard a Preacher, that hath kept an exercise a [Page 66] ye are togither vpon the bookes of Moses, & hath told vs of Genesis, & genealogies, of the arke & the propitiatorie, of polluti­ons, of washings, of leprosies, but I neuer heard him talke of such a homely matter as this. I answere, It may be so very well. And therfore now I pray you, sith the text is so strange to you, giue me leaue to put you in mind of two vertuous & honest ob­seruations out of this (how homly so euer) yet wholly Scripture. One, to be thankfull to our Sauiour for his mercies; th'other to be faithfull to our Soueraigne for her me­rits. We may thanke God that al these ser­uile ceremonies, which S. Paul calleth the workes of the Law, as Circumcision, New moones, Sabbaths, washings, cleansings, with touch not, handle not, eate not, &c. are now taken away & quite abolished by the Gospell, which hath now made Omnia munda mundis. And as S. Augustine saith, in steed of ceremonies, combersome, infi­nite, intollerable, vnpossible, hath giuē Sa­craments, easie, few, sweet, & gracious, & hath taught vs in steed of hearing Fac ho [...] & vi [...]es, to say now to him, DaDomine quod iubes. Secondly, whereas it seemes you [Page 67] neuer heard this text preached on, you may blesse in your soule, and pray for her Maiesties so peaceable and prosperous raigne, this text being not fit for peace & a pulpit, but only for warre and a camp. And therfore though I hope we shal neuer haue cause to heare such a Scripture preached of in England, yet those that serue in other countreys, both haue & shall heare it thus applyed (and that oft not without neede) viz. that though now to the cleane all things are cleane, yet still we must haue a speciall care of cleanlines, and wholsome­nesse, euen for the things here spoken of, and if for such things, how much more for rapes, the [...]ts, murthers, blasphemies, things (as God knowes) too common in al our campes. Ne Dominus Deus noster, qui ambulat in medio castrorum derelinquat nos. Least the Lord our God, that walketh in the midst of our tēts, shold forsake vs. And euen in the time of the sweetest peace, me thinkes I could also say, here at home, that it is an vnreuerent thing, for Churches or­dained for prayer, and church-yardes ap­pointed for burial, to be polluted and filed as if they were kennels and dunghils.

[Page 68]And I haue thought sometime with my selfe, that if I were but halfe so great an officer vnder our most gracious Em­peresse, who is in deed worthy, and onely worthie to be Traians Mistresse, as Pli­nius Secundus was vnder that Traian; I would write for the mending of such a lothsome fault in my neighbour towne of Bath (where many noble persons are oft annoyed with it) as Plinie did for Ame­stris. Yet whie may I not by Poetica licē ­tia, and by an honest & necessarie figure (in this age) called Reprehensio, imagine my selfe for halfe an houre to be Secundus, and suppose some other, that perhaps at this houre is not farre from Traians coun­trey, to be that worthiest Traian? For though in the English Grammer, the fe­minine gender is more worthie then the masculine, the which rule I wish long may hold. Yet lest old Priscian should say I brake his head when I neuer came neare him,There is a Comedy cal­led Priscianus vapulās, wher if one should say ignēhanc, Priscian wold cry, his head were broken. I will keepe me in this my pleasant imitation, within such an honest limita­tion, as shalbe free from all iust reprehen­sion, and write, in steed of C. Pl. Secundus Traiano Imp. Salutem.

‘The Citie of Bath (my Lord) being both poore enough and proud enough, hath since hir highnesse being there, woonder­fully beautified it selfe in fine houses for victualing and lodging, but decaies as fast in their ancient and honest trades of mer­chandise and clothing: the faire Church hir Highnes gaue order should be reedifi­ed, stands at a stay, and their cōmon sewer, which before stood in an ill place, stands now in no place, for they haue not any at all. Which for a towne so plentifully ser­ued of water, in a countrey so well proui­ded of stone, in a place resorted vnto so greatly (being at two times of the yeere, as it were the pilgrimage of helth to al saints) me thinke seemeth an vnwoorthie and dis­honorable thing, wherefore if your Lord­ship would authorise me, or some wiser then me, to take a strict account of the mo­ney, by hir Maiesties gratious grant gathe­red & to be gathered, which in the opini­on of many, cannot be lesse then ten thou­sand pounds (though not to wrong them, I thinke they haue bestowed vpon the [Page 70] point of 10000. pounds abating but one cipher) I would not doubt, of a [...]inate church to make a reuerent church, and of an vnsauorie towne a most sweete towne.’

‘This I do the rather write, bicause your Lordship, & the rest of hir Maiesties most honorable counsel, thought me once wor­thy to be Steward of that towne, but that the wiser counsell of the towne thought it not meet, out of a deeper reach, lest being already their poore neighbor, this increase might haue made my estate too great a­mong them. For indeed the [...]ee belonging to it, & some other commodities annexed, might haue been worth to me de claro vi [...] & modis, per ann [...]m. CCCClxxx.d.’

‘Moreouer I am to certifie your Lord­ship, that the spring taken out of the hot bath into the priuate, doth not annoy or preiudice the vertue of the hot bath as hir Maiestie hath bin lately informed. And it is not vnnecessarie, for some honorable persons that come thither, sometimes to haue such a priuate bath.’ But now I pray you let vs hearken to the Scripture, for the Bibler is not yet come to Tu autem.

I find also in the second & third chap­ters [Page 71] of Nehemias, which some call the se­cond booke of Esdras, where he tels how no body but he and his asse went to sur­uey the citie. Et ingressus sum ad portam vallis nocte, & ante fontem draconis, & ad portam stercoris, & consider abam murum Ie­rusalem dissipatum & portas eius consump­tas igni. And in the third chapter shewing who repaired all the ruines, Et portam val­lis aedificauit Hanum & habitatores Zanoe, ipsi aedificauerunt eam, & statuerunt valuas eius, & seras, & vectes, & mille cubitos in muro vsque ad portam sterquilinii. Et portam sterquilinii aedificauit Melchias filius Rhe­chab princeps &c. And the gate of the val­ley built Hanum and the inhabitants of Zanoe, they built it, and they made the leaues of the gate, and the lockes, and the hinges, and a thousand cubites in the wal, euen to the doung gate, and Melchias son of Rhecab being Prince of Bethacharan built the doung gate.There is a noble and learned La­dy, dowager to the Lord Iohn Russell, that will not name loue without saue reuerence. I would haue saide, saue-reuerence the doung gate, but that Nehemias who was a Gentleman well brought vp, and a courtier, and had beene a sewer and cupbearer to Artaxerxes, writes it as I haue recited it.

[Page 72]But now to the purpose, perhaps you will saie, that this makes nothing to the present argument, that the gate is called Doungate, for we haue a gate in London called Dougate, that with a little dash with a pen will seeme to be the same gate, & yet hath no great affinitie with the matter, & on the other side, there is a place hath a glorious title of Queene Hiue, and yet it was ordained for my lady Cloacina. I grant it might be so, for so there is a parish by London called Hornsey, which is an vn­gratious crooked name, and yet I verilie perswade me, that the most glorious or gratious street in Londō hath more horns in it sometime either visible or inuisible then all the other parish. But concerning the gate in Ieruselagim called Porta Ster­coris, I finde it was so called bicause it laie on the East side of the Citie, toward the brooke Cedron, whither all the raine wa­ter of the Citie, and all other conueiances ran, as they do out of the Citie of London into the Thames: and that being so, and the city so populous, the gate might wel be called Porta Stercoris. Now without the ci­ty I finde mentioned another place ordai­ned [Page 73] for the like purpose, to carrie out all such filth as the rain could not wash away, and had no common passage, & that was the valley of Hinnon, which seemes by the map to lie Southeast and by South to the Temple, and thither, I say, the Scauengers caried their loding,The Brickils. as they do at London beyond Golding lane. And therfore in the new Testament it is called gehenna, and taken for hell, and if you haue a minde to know how I come by this diuinitie, trust me if you will, I come by it as true men come by their goods. For so it is, that not long since there dwelt in Bath a schoole-master, a man whom I fauored much, for his sake that sent him thither. But he had not beene there long, but a controuersie arose betwixt him & some preachers ther­about, among whom we haue too manie that studie nothing but the controuersies, and it came after many disputes on both sides, at last to writing and publishing of Books. And the schoole-master (though being no Preacher) wrote a booke with this title, that Christ descended not into hell: the very sight of which title, being flat cō ­tradictorie to an article of the Creede, I [Page 74] remember I said of the man as Heywood saith in his prouerbes, that heerafter

And therefore I might repute him as a good humanist, but I should euer doubt him for a good deuine. Now as I say, hea­ring in these disputes and sermons, diuerse names of hell throughly sifted. As Ades, Tartaros, Infernum, Stagnum ardens, and last of all Gehenna, which last I was most vsed to, as hauing an old verse when I was at Eaton, of a Peacocke.

Consequentlie, I obserued, that our ho­nest & learned Preacher of Bath M. R. M. first prooued hel to be a local place (if not circumscriptiue, yet at least definitiue. Thē he shewed the etymologie of the worde gehenna to be deriued in Greeke of [...], that is, the earth or valley of Hinnon, thē he told, that this place was as it were the common dunghill or mickson of the whol towne, that the Iewes had vsed in this val­ley, to make their children passe through [Page 75] the fire, as a sacrifice to the Deuill, accor­ding to the Psalme of Dauid, they offered their sonnes and daughters vnto deuils. Fi­nally, that our sauior to make a more fear­full impression in their harts, of the paines of hell indeed, which they know not, vsed the name of this hellish place, which they knew that had in it these hatefull hellish properties, smoke, stinke, horrible cries, & torment. But least you shuld think I speake as a parrot, nothing but what I haue heard an other say, let me adde somwhat of mine own poore reading, and that shall be this, that this valley of Hinnon was once for the sweete aire, fine groues, faire walks, & greene and pleasant fields, comparable with any place about Ierusalem, but when the abhominable Idoll of Moloch was erected in it, whose purtraiture was like a king hauing the head of a calfe, al of bras, & hollow within: vnto which (most inhu­manely) they sacrificed humane flesh, yea their owne children, & to the end that the wicked parents might not feele remorse of the wofull cries of the wretched chil­dren, they daunced a straunge medley about the fire, hauing musicke sutable to [Page 76] such mirth, of drums and Iewes harpes (for I thinke hornepipes and bag-pipes were not then found out) I say these abho­minations being there committed, the good Iosias, driuen to vse an extreme me­dicine to so extreme a maladie, first bur­ned and brake all too peeces the horrible Idoll, and then in detestation of the abuses there committed, cut downe the fine groues, tare vp the sweete pastures, defa­ced the pleasant walks; and to the end that all passengers should flie from it, that were woont to frequent it, he caused all filthie carrion, dead dogs and horses, all the filth of the streetes, & whatsoeuer hatefull and vgly things could be imagined, to be cari­ed thither. And this ô Iosias was thy zea­lous reformation: but alas how little do some that pretend thy name, participate thy nature. They pull downe Moloch, but set vp Baal Peor & Beelsebub, their leane deuotion thinks the hill of the Lord is too fat, their enuious eie serues them like Are­tinoes spectacles, to make all seeme big­ger, then it should be, they learne the Ba­bylonians song in the Psalmes.

They care neither for good letters nor good liues, but onely out of the spoiles to get good liuings, our good Lord Bishops must be made poore superintendents, that they might superintend the goodly Lord­ships of rich Bishopricks, & then we that be simple fellowes must beleeue, that they offer vs Iosias reformation, wheras indeed it sauors not of that in any thing but the ill sauor: for as Iosias defaced a faire field, and made it spurcitiarum latrinam, so they would ruinate our cathedrall churches, & make them Spelunca latronum, as my good friend Hary-Osto, or mine Host Hary saith of the Pagan Rodomont, after his host had ended his knauish tale.

Wherefore let them cal themselues what they list, but if they learn no better lessons of Iosias, but to turne sweete fields to stin­king dunghils, they shall make no newe Iaxes in England by my consent, & I hope my deuise shall serue to mende many that be now amisse, with an honester & easier reformation, & I doubt not but the Magi­strate [Page 78] that hath charge to see ne quid res­pub. detrimanti capiat, will prouide, least our receipts prooue deceipts, our auditors frauditors, and our reformation deforma­tion, and so all run headlong to gehenna, where the sport will be torment, the mu­sicke clamors, the prospect smoke, and the perfume stinke. Which two last, I meane smoke and stinke, I haue verily per­swaded me, are two of those paines of hel, which they call poena sensus: Esa. cap. 3. Eterit pro sua­ [...] adore foe [...]or. which paine S. Augustine affirmes may also torment aerie or spiritual bodies, as partly appeers in the storie of Tobias, where a wicked spirit was driuen away with the smoke of a broyled liuer; and therefore I haue en­deuored in my poore buildings to auoide those two inconueniences as much as I may. As for the two other annoiances, that the old prouerbe ioineth to one of these, saying, there are three things that make a man weary of his house, a smoking chim­ney, a dropping eues, and a brauling wo­man. I would no lesse willingly auoid thē, but when stormes come, I must as my neighbors do, beare that with patience, which I can not reforme with choler, and [Page 79] learne of the good Socrates, who when Xantippe had crowned him with a cham­ber-pot, he bare it off single with his head and shoulders, and said to such as laughed at him for it.

And to the intent you may see, that I am not only groundedly studied in the re­formatiō of AIAX, which I haue chosen for the proiect of this discourse, but that I am also superficially seene in these three other matters of shrewd importance to all good house-keepers, I will not be dange­rous of my cunning, but I will venture my pen and my paines, if you will lend but your eies or your eares, though I perhaps shall haue more fists about my eares then mine owne for it. First therefore for the house, I will teach you a verse for it, that I thinke M. Tusser taught me, or else now I may teach it his sonne.

For the shrewd wife, read the booke of taming a shrew, which hath made a num­ber [Page 80] of vs so perfect, that now euery one can rule a shrew in our countrey, saue he that hath hir. But indeed there are but two good rules. One is, let them neuer haue their wils; the other differs but a letter, let them euer haue their wils, the first is the wise, but the seconde is more in request, and therefore I make choise of it.

Lastly for smoking chimneys, many re­medies haue been studied,One taught an excellent rule to keepe a chimney from smoking, & a priuie from stinking, viz. to make your fire in your priuy, and to set the close stoole in the chimney. but one excel­lent and infallible waie is founde out a­mong some of the great Architectes of this age, namely to make no fire in them, and by the same rule they may haue ve­rie sweete Iaxes too. But the best waie I haue found, is out of Cardan partly, but as I think mended by practise of some of my neighbors of Bath: who make things like halfe a cloke about the toppes of the chimneys, with a fane to turne rounde with the winde, which bicause they make of wood is dangerous for fire, but being made thinne of copper plates or of old kettels will be as light and with­out [Page 81]

daunger, but this is supererogation, and more then I promised you. But nowe to come home againe, though home be neuer so homely, the fourth annoiance though it be left out of the prouerbe, may compare with two of the other three, which is a stinking priuie, which makes a man wish somtime, saue for an ornament of the face (as Heywood saith) to haue no nose.

And for reformation of this, many I doubt not, haue ere this beaten their braines and strained very hard, to haue found out some [Page 82] remedy; but yet still I find all my good friendes houses greatly annoyed with it.

But yet ere I come to discouer this ex­act & exquisite forme that I haue promi­sed, let me adde a word or two out of the good and wholsome rules of phisick, both for authorising the homely words so oft v­sed, as for prouing that the matter in their faculty is specially regarded; for diuers, that are otherwise very daintie and curi­ous, yet for their healths sake, will endure both to heare homely language, to see sluttish sights, to taste dirtie drugs, and to shew secret sores; according to the Itali­an prouerbe,

No man therefore is either so ignorant, or so impudent, as either not to know or not to confesse, that the honorable science of phisick, embaseth it selfe ofttimes about the care of this busines. For whereto ser­ueth I pray you, fiant clysteria, fiant pillulae, fiant potiones, fiant pessi. But fie on't, it makes me almost sicke to talke of them, [Page 83] sure I am the house I treat of, is as it were the center to which they must all fall first or last, and many times I thinke first were wholsomer of the two. But to inforce my proofes, though shortly yet soundly, I will not bring any peculiar prescripts out of Galen and Hipocrates, least you should oppose against them Asclepiades or Para­celsus, nor stand long to dilate of the Em­piricall phisick, or the dogmaticall and the methodicall. Of all which if I should say all I could, I feare me not so much, that phisitions would take me for a foole, as that fooles will take me for a Phisition. I will therefore set downe as it were certain autenticall rules, out of a generall Coun­cell of Phisitions, & that sent by common consent to a great K. of England, against which if any Doctor should except, he must ipso facto be counted an hereticke. This therefore I finde of my text in that booke that begins ‘Anglorum regi scribit schola tota Salerni.’ For when he hath beene aduised to make choice of three Phisitions, ‘Haec tria mens laeta, requies, moderata diet.’ Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor [Page 84] Meryman. Then they admonish him of many particulars, for his health, for his foode, for his house, &c. Which if they might with good maners write to a king, then I may without inciuilitie recite to a kinseman.

Loe what a speciall lesson for health they teach, to take your oportunitie so oft as it is offered of going to those businesses. Thē soone after to let you know how whole­some it is to breake winde, they tell fower diseases that come by forbearing it.

But most especially making for my pur­pose, [Page 85] both for word and matter.

Which as a principal lesson, to be learned by builders, I will set downe in verse.

For indeed let your house be neuer so well apparaled, neuer so wel plaistered & pain­ted, if she haue a stinking breath I shall ne­uer like of my lodging. Lastly, there be two other verses, with which I will end these schoole authorities.

And thus I take it, I ende this part of my discourse, with a well chosen verse to the purpose: yet ere you go, take this with you in prose, that many Physitions doe hold, that the plague, the measeals, the hemor­hoids, the small poxe, & perhaps the great ones too, with the fistula in ano, & many of those inward diseases, are no way sooner gotten, then by the sauor of others excre­ments, vpon vnwholsome priuies. Wher­fore [Page 86] I will nowe drawe to the conclusi­on of this same tedious discourse: for it is high time now to take away the boord, and I see you are almost full of our home­ly fare, and perhaps you haue beene vsed to your dainties of Potatoes, of Caueare E­ringus, plums of Genowa, all which may well increase your appetite to seuerall eua­cuations, we will therfore now (according to the phisick we learned euen now) rise & stretch our legs a litle, & anon I wil put on my boots, and go a peece of the way with you, and discourse of the rest: in the mean time my selfe will go perhaps to the house we talke off, though maners would, I offe­red you the French curtesie, to go with me to the place, where a man might very kindely finish this discourse.

THE THIRD SECTION, shewing the forme, and how it may be reformed.

NOw therfore to come where wee left last, for I know you would faine haue your in­structions ere you go home, as soone as I haue giuen my horse some breath vp this hill, I will ride along with you, so you will ride a sober pace: for I loue not to ride with these goose chasing youthes, that poste still to their iourneies end, and when they come thither, they cannot remember what busi­nesse they haue there, but that they had euen as much in the place they came from.

These inconueniences being so great, and the greater bicause so generall, if there be a way with little cost, with much cleanelinesse, with great facilitie, & some pleasure to auoid them, were it not rather a sinne to conceale it, then a shame to vt­ter it? Wherefore shame to them that shame thinke, for I will confesse frankely to you, both how much I was troubled with the annoyance, & what I haue found [Page 88] for the remedy. For when I found not on­ly in mine owne poore confused cottage, but euen in the goodliest & stateliest pal­laces of this realme, notwithstanding all our prouisiōs of vaults, of sluces, of grates, of paines of poore folkes in sweeping and scouring, yet still this same whorson sawcy stinke, though he were commanded on paine of death not to come within the gates, yet would spite of our noses, euen when we would gladliest haue spared his company, prease to the faire ladies cham­bers. I began to conceaue such a malice against al the race of him, that I vowed to be at deadly fewd with them, till I had brought some of the chiefest of them to vtter cōfusion. And conferring som prin­ciples of Philosophy I had read and some conueyances of architecture I had seene, with some deuises of others I had heard, & some practises of mine owne I had payed for: I found out at last this way that is af­ter described,The princi­ples are these, A [...]r non pene­trat aquam. Natura non [...]atitur va [...]u [...]. and a maruellous easie and cheape way it is, and I dare speake it vpon my credit, not without good experience, that though it be neither far fetched, nor deare bought, yet it is good for Ladies, & [Page 89] there be few houses that may not haue the benefit of it. For there be few great & well contriued houses, but haue vaults and se­cret passages made vnder ground, to con­uey away both the ordure & other noisom things, as also the raine water that fals in­to the courts, which being cleanly in re­spect of the eie, yet bicause they must of force haue many vents, they are oft noy­some in regard of the smell. Specially in houses of office, that stand high from the ground, the tuns of them drawing vp the aire as a chimney doth smoke. By which it comes to passe manie times (specially if the wind stand at the mouth of the vaults) that what with fish-water comming from the kitchins, bloud and garbage of fowle, washing of dishes and the excrements of the other houses ioined togither, and all these in moist weather stirred a little with some small streame of raine water. For as the prouerbe is,

I say these thus meeting togither, make such a quintessence of a stinke, that if Pa­racelsus were aliue, his art could not deuise [Page 90] to extract a strōger. Now bicause the most vnauoidable of all these things that keepe such a stinking stir, or such a stinke when they be stirred, is vrine and ordure, that which we all carie about vs (a good specu­lation to make vs remēber what we are, & whither we must) therfore as I said before, many haue deuised remedies for this in times past, some not many yeeres since, and I this last yeere, of all which I will make choice only of two beside mine own to speake off, bicause men of good iudge­ment haue allowed them for good, but yet (as the ape doth his yoong ones) I thinke mine the properest of them all.

The first and the ancientest, is to make a close vault in the groūd, widest in the bot­tome, & narrower vpward, & to floore the same with hot lime & tarris, or some such dry pauing as may keep out al water & aire also: for if it be so close as no aire can come in, it doth as it were smother the sauor, like to the snuffes or extinguishers wherewith we put out a candle, and this standes with good reason, that seeing it is his nature to make the woorse sauor the more he is stir­red, and nothing makes him keepe a more [Page 91] stinking stir, then a litle wind & water, surely there can be litle or no annoiāce of him in this kinde of house, where he shall lie so quietly. But against this is to be obiected, that if there be a little cranny in the wall as big as a straw, or if the groūd stand vpō winter springs or be subiect as most places vnder ground are, to giue with moist wea­ther, thē at such times it must needs offēd.

Besides in a Princes house where so many mouths be fed, a close vault wil fill quickly; and that obiection did my Lord of Leicester make to Sir Iohn Young, at his last being at Bristow, who commen­ded to my Lord that fashion, and shewed him his owne of a worse fashion, and told him that at a friends house of his at Peter hill in London, there was a very sweet pri­uie of that making.

Another waie, is either vpon close or open vaults, so to place the sieges or seats as behinde them may rise tunnes of chim­neys, to draw all the ill aires vpwards: of which kinde I may be bold to say, that our house of Lincolnes Inne, putteth downe all that haue beene made afore it, and is indeed both in reason and experience, a [Page 92] meanes to auoid much of the annoyance that is wont to come of them, & keepeth the place all about much the sweeter. But yet to speake truly, this is not sate from all infection or annoiance while one is there, as my sense hath told me, for ‘Sensus non fallitur in proprio obiecto.’ Or perhaps by the strict wordes of the sta­tute it ought to be so, & that but two parts may be deuised away, and a third must re­maine to the heire, for I dare vndertake, go thither when you will, your next heire at the common house, whatsoeuer charge he is at in the sute, I am sure he may bee made a sauor, at the least for the [...]ertiam partem aboue al reprises, if the fault be not his owne. And further, when the weather is not calme, the winde is so vnruly, that it will force the ill aires down the chimneys, and not draw them vp, as we see it doth in chimneys where fire is made, force downe the smoke, notwithstanding that the verie nature of fire helpeth to inforce it vpward, whereas these moist vapours are apt (euen of their owne nature) to spreade abroade, and hang like a deaw about euery thing. Wherefore though I am but a punie of [Page 93] Lincolnes Inn [...], & the builder heerof was a bencher, ye [...] I will vnder reformation, prefer my deuise afore his, either bicause it is better, or else out of the common fault of yoong men in this age, that we thinke our deuises wiser then our elders. Yet with this respectiue modestie, that bicause my deuise as with water, where that cannot be had, or where houses stand on an excee­ding flat, there I will leaue the worke to his ouersight, but where any conuenient current is, and no want of water, there I would be surueyer, and so to deuide the re­giment, that if for the dry land seruice he be generall, for the water seruice I will be Admirall.A true praise of Li [...]colnes Inne. Yet by the way, I hope all the Innes of court will gratulate the pre­sent flourishing estate of our Lincolnes Inne: not so much for furnishing the realm with most honorable, vpright and well learned magistrates, great sergeāts, graue counsellers, towardly barresters, yoong gallants of worth & spirit sans nombre, but also (that I may nowe deale with mine equals, and not with my auncients) with two such rare enginers,M. Plat set foorth a booke of engines. me for this one deuise, and Maister Plat for verie manie. [Page 94] Or if enuie will not suffer them to giue vs due honor, let vs two M. Plat, at least grace one another: and I am the willinger to of­fer this kindnes to you, bicause I was ad­uised by some to haue recommended this deuise to your illustrations, which I was very like to haue done, saue that we are of no great acquaintance, and beside I haue a little ambitions humor of mine owne to be counted a deuiser, though to cleare me of pride, you see my first practice is vpon so base a subiect, as I hope no body will enuy me, or seeke to take it from me: as the sweet Zerbino said to Marfysa, of the vgly Gabrina.

And after he had played a worde or two with them, he concluded,

But when they had done breaking off iests one on another, and that it came to brea­king of staues, the peerelesse Prince (for his othes sake) was faine to take that most hatefull hagge into his protection. And [Page 95] so I suppose, that some may play in like sort vpon me and my writing, and say;

But if they do, let them take heed, that in one place or other of this pamphlet, they do not pull themselues by the nose, as the prouerbe is But that you may see M. Plat, I haue studied your booke with some ob­seruation: if you would teach me your secret of making artificiall cole,Some conie­ct [...]re, that stale and cowdoung must effect both these multipli­cations. and mul­tiplying barley (though I feareme both the meanes will smell a little of kin to M. AIAX) I assure you I would take it verie kindly: and we two might haue a sute to­gither for a monapolie, you of your cole, as you mention in your booke, and I of M. reformed AIAX: and if you will trust me to draw the petitions, you shall see I will get some of the presidents of the starch and the vineger, and make it carrie as good a shew of reason, and good to the common wealth as theirs doth. As first for yours I would frame these reasons: I would shew the excellent commodity of iron-milles (for if you speake against them your sute will be dasht straight.) I would [Page 96] proue how they reduce wilde and sauage woods, to ciuill and fruitefull pastures. I would alledge, they are good for mainte­nance of nauigation, in respect that euery ship, what with his cast peeces, ankers, bolts and nailes, hath halfe as many [...]un of iron as timber to it. I would say, it is a commodity to the subiect, cōsidering they sell it for twelue or fourteene pounde the tun, and when it came out of Spaine or Holland, it was sold but for eight pound. The like also I would say for glasse: and so concluding, that the woods must needs be spent vpon these two (as doubtlesse they wil in a short time) then your deuise for ar­tificiall cole, of how homely stuffe soeuer you make it, will be both regarded and re­warded. And thus perhaps making some great man your half, you may haue an im­position of a tenth or a fift of euery chal­dron of your fewell. And though it should poison al the towne with the ill sauour (as the brew-house by White hall doth hir Highnes own house, & all Channon row) yet what for necessitie, & what for fauour, it should be suffered. And neuer feare that the price of your cole wil fal by cherishing [Page 97] of woods, for now Sir Walter Mildmay is dead, you shall haue few men will busie themselues about any of these publike in­conueniences,The Author could haue said honorable of both, but he takes honesty in this place for the high [...] title. or if his honest successor would attempt it, he should I feare me, haue small hope to preuaile, in that which so honest a predecessor could not.

Now for my Monapole, I would aske but this trifling sute, and I would make these goodly pretences. First, bicause I haue prooued by good authours, that M. AIAX is lineally descended of the anci­ent house of Stercutius, and to haue liued long vnder protection of Dea Cloacina, & to haue been praied for by so manie holie Saints, I would procure (if the traffique were as open with Rome as it hath been) that as his progenitor Stercutius was al­lowed for a God, by one of the first Ro­mane Pontifices Maximi, so M. AIAX might bee allowed for a Saunt by Pope Sisefinke, Sextus quintus (I wold haue said) or one of his successours,Boce [...]lo writes that S. Ciapiellet [...] was canoni­zed. (which if it be so easie a matter, as Boccacio, & other Itali­an authors write, will not be very charge­able) and then with some of the money that you gaine with the perfumed cole, [Page 98] (if you will lende it me, and I will mo [...] ­gage my Bull to you when I haue it, for paiment) I will erect in London and else­where, diuers shrines to this newe Saint, & all the fat offerings shall be distributed to such poore hungrie fellowes as sue for Monapolies, which being ioyned to the ashes of your cole, will be perhaps not vncommodious for lande, and you and I will begge nothing for our rewarde, but you as I saide afore,If I had such a graunt, he that were my heres ex asse, would be the richest squire in England. a fift part of euerie chaldron, & I but the sixt part of an assise a moneth, of al that will not be recusants, to do their daily seruice, at these holie shrines. Nowe if any do obiect it is too great a sute (for I thinke it would bee the richest office in England) and saie that it would amount to more then Peter pence, & Poll pence to, I would first to stop their mouthes quickly, promise them a good share in it, then I would amplifie the ser­uice, that in this deuise I do in som respects to the state of Christianitie, in a matter that Saint Peter nor Paul neither neuer thought of. For it is a common obloquie, that the Turks (who still keepe the order of Deuteronomie for their ordure do [Page 99] obiect to Christians, that they are poyso­ned with their own dung, which obiection cannot be answered (be it spokē with due reuerence to the two most excellent apo­stles) with any sentence in both their E­pistles, so fully to satisfie the miscreant wretches, as the plaine demonstration & practise of my deuice must needs answer them. What thinke you M. Plat, is not here a good plat laid, that you and I may be made by for euer? onely I feare one let, and that is this:I protest Misac mos and al [...] friends loue [...] the better [...] If you call this flattery, I woul [...] you would all deserue to be so flattered. I heare by report there is a woorthy Gentleman, sometime of our house, that hath now the keeping of the great seale, & these sutes cannot passe but by his priuitie, & they say (see our ill hap) he hath euer beene a great enimie to all these paltry cōcealments & monapolies, and further they say of him, that to be­guile him with goodly shews is very diffi­cult, but to corrupt him with gifts is im­possible; wel, if it be so, all our fat is in the fire, & let the lean go after. You may make a great fire of your gaines, & be neuer the warmer: and I may throw all mine into AIAX, and be neuer the poorer. Let vs then make a vertue of necessitie, & sith we [Page 100] cannot get these monapolies, let vs sai [...] we care not for them, and a vengeance on them that beg them, and so we may haue millions say Amen to vs, and we shall be thought the honester men, & seeing I haue had so il luck in this, I wold no body might euer haue any more of them, till I make such another sute. And if M. Plat will fol­low my aduise, he shall impart his rare de­uises gratis, as I do this, and so we may one day be put into the Chronicles, as good members of our countrey, more worthi­ly then the great Beare that caried eight dogges on him when Monseur was heere.A worthy matter to be put into a Chron [...]cle [...]nd fit for such wor­thy historiogra­phers. But to leaue Master Plats cole, which kindled this fantasie in me, and to turne to my tesh, though I called my selfe by metaphor an admiral for the water works, yet I assure you, this deuise of mine, re­quires not a sea of water, but a cesterne; nor a whole Tems full, but halfe a tunne full, to keepe all sweete and sauorie: for I will vndertake, from the pesants cottage, to the Princes pallace, twise so much quā ­titie of water as is spent in drinke in the house, wil serue the turne: which if it were at Shaftsburie, where water is dearest of [Page 101] any towne I know, that is no great pro­portion. And the deuise is so litle com­bersome, as it is rather a pleasure then a paine, a matter so slight, that it wil seeme at the first incredible, so sure, that you shall finde it at all times infallible. For it doth auoid at once all the annoyāces that can be imagined, the sight, the sauour, the cold: which last, to weake bodies, is oft more hurtfull then both the other, where the houses stand ouer brookes, or vaults daily cleansed with water. And not to hold you in too long suspēce, the deuise is this; You shal make a false bottome to that pri­uie that you are annoyed with, either of lead or stone, the which bottome shall haue a sluce osbrasse to let out all the filth, which if it be close plaistered all about it, and renced with water as oft as occasion serues, but specially at noone and at night, wil keepe your priuie as sweet as your par­lour, and perhaps sweeter too, if Quaile & Quando be not kept out. But my seruant Thomas (whose pensil can performe more in this matter then my pen) will set downe the forme of this by it self in the end here­of, that you may impart it to such friends [Page 102] of yours, as you shall thinke worthie of it, though you put them not to so great pe­nance as to reade this whole discourse.

And that I may now also end your pe­naunce that haue taken all this paynes to read this, that for your pleasure you would needs perswade me to write; I will not end adruptly here, but as friends that are vpon parting in a iourney, chuse a cleanly place in the high way to take their leaues one of another, and not in the dirt and myre: so I [...] ere we part, will first for the ennobling of this rare inuention, tell you somewhat of the place, of the companie, of the meanes, and of the circumstances, that first put so necessarie a conceit in my head. For I re­member I haue read that Archymedes the excellent enginer, (a man in his time fully as famous in Syracusa, as out M. Plat is here in England,) was sayd to haue dis­graced him selfe by an vntemperate or ra­ther vntempestiue ioy that he tooke of a very worthy and memorable inuention of his. The storie is thus. Archimedes ha­uing long beaten his braynes to find some way by art how to discouer, what quantity of counterfaite mixture was put into a [Page 103] crowne of massie gold, not dissoluing the mettals, and finding no meanes in long studie, at last washing him selfe naked in a bathing tubbe, he obserued still that the deeper he sunke the higher the water rose, & forthwith he conceiued (which after he performed indeed) that by such a meanes the true quantitie of each mettall might be found, and the fraud discouered: with ioy whereof he was so rauished, that starke naked as he was, he ran out into the streets crying, [...] I haue found it, I haue found it. At which for the time all the peo­ple were amazed, and thought him mad, till his inuētion after proued him, not one­ly sober, but also suttle. What if some plea­sant conceited fellow should giue out by way of suppositiō, that possibly the deuiser of this rare conueyance, was at the time of deuising thereof, sitting on some such place, as the godly father sate on at his de­uout prayers, or the godlesse king sate on at his deuilish practise? as put the case on the stately stinking priuy in the Inner Tē ­ple (where many graue apprentices of the law put their lōg debated cases to homely vses) and that with ioy of so excellent in­uencion [Page 104] he ran out with his hose about his heels, and cried, [...]: so might I be likened to Archimedes, and there be some perhaps would be so verie fooles to beleeue it. But lest any idle headed felow should deuise, or any shalow braind peo­ple beleeue such a tale, I doe before hand giue the word of disgrace to any that shall so say, & wil make it good on their persons with all weapons from the pin to the pike, that whether it were by my good guiding, or my good fortune, in the inuētion here­of, nor in the execution I neuer receaued such a disgrace as that of Archimedes. For I assure you the deuise was first both thought of & discoursed of, with as broad termes as any belongs to it, in presence of sixe persons, who were (all saue one) enter­locutors in the Dialogue, of which I was so much the meanest, that the other fiue, for beautie, for birth, for vallue, for wit, & for wealth, are not in many places of the Realme to be matched. Neither was the place inferiour to the persons, being a Ca­stle, that I call, the wonder of the West, so seated without, as England in few places, affoords more pleasures: so furnished with­in, [Page 105] as China nor the West Indies scant al­lowes more plentie. Briefly, at the very cō ­ming in, you would thinke you were come to the Eldorado in Guiana. And by this I hope both the inuētion & execution here­of may be sufficiētly freed from basenesse.

Yet there remaines one easie obiectiō a­gainst the merite of my good seruice here­in, I meane easie to make, but it will not seeme so easie to answer, and that is, that some may say, this may fortune to do well in many places, but yet there is no depth in the inuētion: for it is nothing but to keepe down the ayre with a stopple, & let out the filth with a scrue, which some will mislike, & will not endure to haue such a businesse euery time they come to that house. To which I answer, that for depth in the inuē ­tiō, I affect it not (for I wold not haue it in all aboue two foot deep.) And though the prouerbe is, the deeper the sweeter, that is to be intēded in some sweeter matters, for the deeper you wade in this, you shall find it the sowrer. And if it seeme too busie, he that hath so great hast of his businesse, may take it as he finds it, which cannot be very ill at any time. But the old saying was, Look [Page 106] ere you leape, and the old custome was, that if a mā had no light to looke, yet he would feele, to seeke that he would not finde, for feare least they should finde that they did not seeke. Further the paines being so litle as it is, I should thinke him a slouen that would not by him selfe or his man leaue it as cleanly as he found it: specially conside­ring that in Deuteronomie you are told, God mislikes sluttishnesse, and euery cat giues vs an example (as houswiues tell vs) to couer all our filthinesse, & if you will not disdaine to vse that which commeth from the Muske Cat, to make your selfe, your gloues, and your clothes the more sweet, refuse not to follow the example of the Cat of the house, to make your entries, your staires, your chambers, and your whole house, the lesse sowre. Indeede for the deuise I grant it is as plaine as Dunsta­ble high way, & perhaps it will be as cōmō to, b [...]t neither of thē shall be any disgrace to it. For I heard an Italian tell, that in Ve­nice, after they had had the great losse by fire in Maximilians time, whē their Arse­nall was burnt with gunpowder, they had long consultatiō, how to keepe their store [Page 107] powder from dāger of fire, for feare of like mischances; at last a plaine fellow (like my selfe) came and told, that he had deuised a way, and prayed to haue audiēce. Then he told them a long tale, but all to this short purpose, that gunpowder was made of iij. simples, viz. saltpeeter, brimstone, & coale, that each of these seuerall, would be easily kept from fire, and be quencht if they were kindled, but being compoūd, it blew vp all in a momēt, if the least sparke did but meet with it; thē he shewd that the causes could not be so sudden of vsing powder, but that the simples being ready, it might soone be made; lastly that saltpeeter did grow rather thē wast with lying, whereas being made into powder, it doth consume, &c. All which though euery man there knew before, yet because they had not offered to put it in practise, they gaue him a re­ward for his deuise, and followed therein his aduise, placing these simples in seue­rall houses, which are so dangerous when they are compounded, and since that time they haue bene more annoyd with water then with fire. Wherefore I assure me the Magnificoes of Venice would allow of the [Page 108] deuise, & if I had some idle money, I might hap be so idly disposed, to put out more then I will speake of, vpon this returne, when one of the sonnes and daughters of S.The Mag. of Venice are called Figli­uoli de S. Mar [...] ▪ Marke had put my deuise in execu­tion, specially if that Molto Magnificen­tissimo were yet aliue, that when his wife was sicke, and the Phisition was to see her water, he knew not how to bid her make water, in wordes seemely for his high state and her fine eares, that had neuer heard so fowle a word as that in her life, till his man tooke on him the matter, and found a phrase, by circumlocution to signifie pissing, and neuer once to name it, in this sort; Chara signora viprego fate quello che fate dinanzi al cacare. But see see, I would faine haue bid you farewell, & now we are againe in our dirtie common place; well Ile goe with you yet a coits cast farder, and then vpon the next greene we will bid farewel, and turne taile, as they say: where­fore now I will make you onely a briefe repetition of that I haue sayd. You see first how I haue iustified the homely wordes & phrases with authorities aboue all excep­tion. I haue proued the care euer had of [Page 109] the matter with examples aboue all com­parison. Lastly, I haue expressed to you a cleane forme of it aboue all expectation. Neither doe I praise it as Marchants doe their wares, to rid their handes of them, for I promise you, how high so euer I praise it, I meane not to part with it: for were I to praise it vpon mine oth, as we do houshold stuffe in an inuentary, I wold prayse it in my house, to bee worth 100 pounds, in yours 300 poundes, in Wol­lerton 500 pounds: in Tibals, Burley, and Holmbie 1000 pounds, in Greenwitch, Richmond and Hampton Court 10000. And by my good sooth, so I would thinke my selfe well payd for it. Not that I am so base minded to thinke, that wit and art can be rated at any price, but that I would accept it as a gratuity fit for such houses and their owners.

For I tell you, though I will not take it vpon me, that I am in dialecticorum dume­tis doctus, or in rhetorum pompa potens, or coeteris scientijs saginatus, as doth our Pe­dantius of Cambridge, yet I take it, that in this inuention I shal shew a great practise [Page 110] vpon the grammar, and vpon this point I will chalenge all the grammarians, viz. I say, and I wil make it good, that by my rare deuise I shall make Stercutius a nowne ad­iectiue. Now I know you will set your son William to aunswere me, and he shall say no no, and come vpon me with his gram­mer rule vt sunt divorum Mars Bacchus A­pollo, virorum, &c. and hereby conclude, that he is both a substantiue, and that a sub­stantiall one too, and a Masculine.

But all this will not serue, for I haue learned the grammer too, and therefore Come grammer rules, come now, your power show, as saith the noble Astrophill. First therefore I say, his no no is an affirmatiue.

Secondly tell me pretty Will, what is a nown substantiue? That that may be seene, felt, heard, or vnderstood. Very well, now I will ioyne issue with you on this point, where shall we try it? Not in Cambridge you will say, for I thinke they will be par­tiall on my side. Well then in Oxford be it, and no better Iudge then M. Poeta, who was cheefe Captaine of all the nownes in [Page 111] that excellent comedy of Bellum gramma­ticale. This Come­dy was playd at her Maie­sties last be­ing at Ox­ford. For without all peraduenture, when he shall here that one of his band, and so neare about him, is brought to that state, that he is neither to be seene, smelt, heard, nor vnderstood, he wil sweare gogs nowns he will thrust him out of his selected band of the most substantial substantiues, & sort him with the rascal rablement of the most abiect adiectiues. But now Sir that I haue brought you to so faire a town as Oxford, & so sweet a companiō as your son Willi­am, I will leaue you to him that made you.

Now (gentle Reader) you haue taken much paine,The Epilo­gue or con­clusion. and perhaps some pleasure, in reading our Metamorpo-sis of AIAX: and you supposed by this time to haue done with me: but now with your fauour I haue not done with you. For I found by your countenance, in the rea­ding and hearing hereof, that your conceit oft-times had censured mee hardly, and that somewhat diuersly, & namely in these three kindes.Three re­proofs of this pamphlet. First you thought me fanta­sticall; secondly, you blamed my scurri­lity; and thirdly, you found me satyricall. [Page 112] To which three reproofes, being neither causlesse nor vniust, doe me but the iustice to heare my three answers.

I must needes acknowledge it fantasti­cal for me,Answer to the first ob­iection, of fantastical­nesse. whom I suppose you deeme (by many circumstances) not to be of the ba­sest, either birth or breeding, to haue cho­sen, or of another mans choise, to haue ta­ken so strange a subiect. But though I con­fesse thus much, yet I would not haue you lay it to my charge, for if you so do, I shall straight retort all the blame, or the grea­test part of it, vpon your selfe: and name­ly, I would but aske you this question, and euen truely betweene God and your con­science, doe but aunswer it. If I had enti­tuled the booke, A Sermon shewing a so­ueraigne salue for the sores of the soule. Or, A wholesome hauen of health to harbour the heart in. Or, Amaruellous medicine for the maladies of the minde. Would you euer haue asked after such a booke? would these graue and sober titles haue wonne you to the view of three or four tittles? much lesse three or foure score periodes. But when you heard, there was one had written of [Page 113] A IAX, straight you had a great mind to see what strāge discourse it would proue, you made enquiry who wrote it, where it might be had, when it would come forth. You prayed your friend to buy it, beg it, borrow it, that you might see what good stuffe was in it. And why had you such a minde to it? I can tell you; you hoped for some meriments, some toyes, some scur­rility, or to speake plaine English, some knauery. And if you did so, I hope now your expectation is not altogether fru­strate. Yet giue me leaue briefly to shew you what prety pils you haue swallowed in your pleasant quadlings, & what whol­some wormewood was enclosed in these raisins of the sunne.

Against malcontents,A briefe sum of the true intent of the booke. Epicures, A­theists, heretickes, and carelesse and disso­lute Christians, & especially against pride and sensuality, the Prologue and the first part are chiefly intēded. The second giues a due praise without flattery, to one that is worthy of it, and a iust checke without gall to some that deserue it. The third part as it teacheth indeede a reformation [Page 114] of the matter in question, so it toucheth in sport, a reprehension of some practises too much in custome. All which the rea­der that is honourable, wise, vertuous, and a true louer of his countrey, must needes take in good part. Now gentle reader, if you will still say this is fantasticall, then I will say againe, you would not haue read it except it had bene fantasticall, and if you will confesse the one, sure I will ne­uer deny the other.

The second fault you obiect,Answere to the second obiection of scurrility. is scurrili­ty, to which I answere, that I confesse the obiection, but I deny the fault, and if I might know whether he were Papist or Protestant that maketh this obiection, I would soone answere them: namely thus; I would cite a principall writer of either side, and I wold proue, that either of them hath vsed more obscenous, fowle, and scur­rill phrases,This cannot be denied. (not in defence of their mat­ter, but in defacing of their aduersary) in one leafe of their bookes, then is in all this. Yet they professe to write of the high­est, the holiest, the waightiest matters that can be imagined, and I write of the basest, [Page 115] the barrennest, and most witlesse subiect that may be described. ‘Quod decuit tantos cur mihi turp [...] putem?’ I forbeare to shew examples of it, least I should be thought to disgrace men of ho­ly and worthy memory.

For such as shall find fault that it is too Satyricall,Answer to the third ob­iectiō, that it is too Satyri­cal or sharpe against the faults of the time. surely I suppose their iudge­ment shall sooner be condemned by the wiser sort, then my writings. For when all the learned writers, godly preachers, and honest liuers ouer all England (yea ouer all Europe) renew that old complaint. ‘Regnare nequitiam & in deterius res huma­nas labi.Seneca.’ When wee heare them say daily; that there was neuer vnder so gracious ahead so gracelesse members, after so sincere teaching, so sinfull liuing: in so shining light, such workes of darkenesse. When they crie out vpon vs, yea cry indeed, for I haue seene thē speake it with teares, that lust and hatred were neuer so hote, loue and charitie were neuer so colde: that there was neuer lesse deuotion, neuer more diuision: that all impiety hath all [Page 116] impunity: finally, that the places that were wont to be the samples of all vertue and honour, are now become the sinkes of all sinne and shame. These phrases (I say) being written and recorded, sounded and resounded in so many bookes and Ser­mons, in Cambridge, in Oxford, in the Court, in the countrey, at Paules crosse in Paules church-yard: may not I as a sorie writer among the rest, in a merie matter, and in a harmelesse manner, professing purposely, Of vaultes, and prîuies, sinkes and draughts to write, proue according to my poore strength, to draw the readers by some pretie draught,Allusion to the former wordes. to sinke into a deepe and necessary consideration, how to amend some of their priuy faultes? Be­leeue it (worthy readers, for I write not to the vnworthy) A IAX when he is at his worst, yeeldes not a more offensiue sa­uour, to the finest nostrils, then some of the faultes I haue noted, doe to God and the world. Be not offended with me for saying it, more then I am with some of you for seeing it. But this I say, if we would amend our priuy faultes first, we should [Page 117] afterward much the better reforme the open offences, according to the old pro­uerbe. Euerie man mend one, and all would be amended. Trust me, they do wrong me that count me Satyricall. Alas I do but (as the phrase is) pull a haire frō their beards whose heades perhaps by the old lawes and canons should be shorne. If you will say there is salt in it, I will acknowledge it, but if you will suspect there is gall in it, I renounce it. I name not many, and in those I do name, I swarue not farre from the rule,

For some that may seeme secretly tou­ched, and be not openly named, if they will say nothing, I will say nothing. But as my good friend M. Dauies sayd of his E­pigrams, that they were made like du­blets in Birchen lane, for euery one whom they will serue: so if any man finde in these my lines any raiment that sutes him so fit, as if it were made for him, let him weare it and spare not, and for my part I would he could weare it out. But if he will be an­grie [Page 118] at it, then (as the old saying is) I be­shrew his angrie hart: and I would warne him thus much (as his poore friend) that the workeman that could with a glaunce onely and a light view of his person, make a garment so fit for him, if the same work­man come and take a precise measure of him, may make him another garment of the same stuffe (for there neede go but a payre of sheeres betweene them) that in what sheere soeuer he dwelleth, he may be knowne by such a coate as long as he li­ueth. Well, to conclude, let both the writer and the readers endeuour to mend our selues, and so we shall the easier amend others, and then I shall thinke my labour well bestowed in writing, and you shall thinke yours not altogether lost in rea­ding. And with this honest exhortation I would make an end, imitating herein the wisest Lawyers, who when they haue be­fore the simplest Iurers, long disputed their cases to litle purpose, are euer most earnest and eager at the parting, to beat into the Iuries head some speciall point or other, for the behoofe of their client. For [Page 119] so would I, howsoeuer you do with the rest of the matter: I would I say, faine beate still into your memorie this necessa­rie admonition (which my new takē name admonisheth me of) to cleause, amend, [...]os. and wipe away all filthinesse. To the which purpose, I could me thinke allegorise this homely subiect that I haue so dilated, and make almost as good a Sermon, as the Fri­er did before the Pope, saying nothing but Matto San Pietro three times,That is to say, What a foole was S. Peter? and so came downe from the pulpit againe: and being afterward examined, what he meant to make a Sermon of three wordes, but three times repeated before the triple crowned Prelat, and so many Cardinals. He told them, they might finde a good Sermon in Matto San Pietro; as namely, if heauen might be gotten notwithstan­ding all the pride, pleasures, and pompe of the world, with [...]ase, sensualitie and E­picurisme, then what a foole was S. Peter to liue so strict, so poore, so painfull [...] With which it is possible his auditorie was more edified, or at least more terri­fied, then they would haue bene at a lon­ger [Page 120] Sermon. But I will neither end with Sermon nor prayer, lest some wags liken me to my L.() players, who when they haue ended a baudie Comedy, as though that were a preparatiue to de­uotion, kneele downe solemnly, and pray all the companie to pray with them for their good Lord and maister. Yet I wil end with this good counsell, not vnsuting to the text I haue thus long talked of.