SHall I creepe (like a drownde Ratte) into thy warme bosome, (my Bene­fique Patron!) with a piece of some olde mustie Sentence in my mouth, stolne out of Lycosthenes Apothegmes, and so accost thee? Out vpont! the fa­shion of such Dedications is more stale than kissing. No, no, suffer me (good Nobody) to diue (like a White-Friars Puncke) into thy fa­miliar & solid acquaintance at the first dash: And in stead of Worshipfull Syr, come vpon thee with honest Iew, how doest? Wonder not that out of the whole barrell of pickeld [Page] Pat [...]ons, I haue onely made choice of thee, for I loue none really, but thee and my selfe, for vs two do I only care, and therefore I coniure thee, let the payment of thine affection be reciprocall.

They are Rimes that I have boyld in my leaden Inck­pot, for thine owne eating: And now (rarest Nobody) taste the reason why they are serued vp to thee (in the taile of the Plague) like Caveare, or a dish of Anchoues after supper. Know then (Monnsier verse-gilder) that I haue failed (du­ring this storme of the Pestilence) round about the vast I­land of the whole world, which when I found to be made like a foote-ball, the best thing in it, being but a bladder of mans life, (lost with a litle pricke) I tooke vp my foote and spurnd at it, bicause I haue heard that none but fooles make account of the world. But mistake me not, (thou Spur-roy­all of the Muses!) for it was neither in Sir Francis Drakes nor in Candishes voyage, that I swom through so much salt­water: But onely with two honest Card-makers Peter Pla­mius and Gerard Mercator) who in their vniuersall Maps, (as in a Barbers Looking-glasse, where a nomber of most villanous vngodly faces are seene, in a yeare, and especially now at Christmas) did (like Country-fellowes, that is to say very plainly) and in a shorter time, than a Sculler can rowe from Queene-hyue to Wapping, make a braue discouery vnto me, as well of all the old raine-beaten, as of the spicke and span new-found worlds, with euery particular King­dome, Dukedome, and Popedome in their liuely cullors, so that I knew Constantinople as perfectly, as Iobbin, the Mault-mans horse of Enfield knowes the way to London: and could haue gone to the great Turkes Serraglio (where he keepes all his wenches) as tollerably and farre more welcome, than if I had beene one of his Eunuches. Pre­ster Iohn, and the Sophy, were neuer out of mine eye, (yet my sight was not a pin the worse). The Soldan of Egipt [Page] I had with a wet finger: from whence, I trauailed as boldly to the Courts of all the Kings in Christendome, as if I had bin an Embassadour) his pomp only excepted.)

Strange fashions did I pick (like wormes) out of the fingers of euery Nation, a number of phantastick Popin-Iayes and Apes (with faces like men) itching till they had got them. And (besides fashions) many wonder [...] wo [...]hy to be hung vp (like Shields with senseles, bald, impraesaes) in the white paper-gallery of a large Chronicle. But this made me fret out worse than gumd Taffaty, that neither in any one of those Kingdomes, (no nor yet within the walls and water-works of mine own country) could I either find or heare, (for I gaue a Crier a King-Harry-groate to make an oyes) no nor read of any man, woman or child, left so wel by their friends, or that caryed such an honest mind to the Common-wealth of the Castalians, as to keepe open-house for the seauen poore Liberall Sciences: nor once (which euen the rich cubs and fox-furd curmudgens do) make thē good cheere so much as at Christmas, whē euery cobler has licence (vnder the broad Seale of Hospitality) to sit cheeke by iowle at the table of a very Aldermans deputy.

What woodcocks then are these seauen wise maisters to answere to that worme-eaten name of Liberall, seeing it has vndone them? It's a name of the old fashion: It came vp with the old Religion, and went down with the new. Libe­rality has bin a Gentleman of a good house, and an ancient house, but now that old house (like the Players old Hall at Dowgate) is falne to decay, and to repaire it, requires too much cost. My seauen lattin-sellers, haue bin liberall so long to others, that now they haue not a rag (or almost nothing but rags) left for themselues: Yea and into such pitifull predicaments are they fallen, that most of our Gentry (besides the Punyes of Innes of Court and Chan­cery) takes them for the Seauen Deadly Sinnes, and [Page] hate him worse than they hate whores. How much happi­er had it bin for them, to haue changed their copies, & trō Sciences bin bound to good Occupations, cōsidering that one London-occupier (dealing vprightly with all men) puts vp more in a weeke, than seuen Bachilers of Art (that euery day goe barely a wooing to them) do in a yeare.

Hath not the Plague (incomparable Nobody: and there­fore incomparable, bicause with an Aeneas-like glory, thou hast redeemed the golden-tree of Poesie, euen out of the hellish scorne, that this worlde (out of her Luciferan pride) hopes to dam it with) hath it not I say done all men knights seruice in working the downfal of our greatest & greediest beggers? Dieite Io Paean, You yong Sophisticall Fry of the Vniuersities! breake Priscians pate (if hee crosse you) for ioy: for had not the Plague stuck to you in this case, fixe of your seuen Academicall sweet-hearts (if I saide all seuen I should not lye vpon them) had long ere this (but that some Doctors withstood it) bene begd, (not for Wards, yet some of them haue lodged I can tell you in the knights Warde) but for meere Stones, and Chesters, Fooles, Fooles, and Ie­sters, because whereas some of their Chymicall & Alchymi­call raw disciples haue learnt (at their hands) to distill gold and siluer out of very Tauerne-bushes, old greazy knaues of Diamonds, the dust of bowling Allyes, yea & like Ae­sops Gallus Gallinaceus, to scrape precious stones euen out of dung-hils, yet they themselues (poore harletries) had neuer the grace, nor the face, to cary one peny in their own purses.

But to speak truth (my noble curer of the poeticall mad­nesse for nothing) where should they haue it? Let them be sent into the courts of Princes, there they are so lordly, that (vnles they were bigger & taller of their hands, than so ma­ny of the Guard) euery one lookes ouer thē, of it they giue him any thing, it's nothing but good lookes. As for the Ci­tie, thats so full of Crafts-men, there is no dealing with their [Page] misteries: the nine Muses stand in a brown study, whē they come within their liberties, like so many mad wenches takē in a watch & broght before a bench of Brown bils. O Ciues, Ciues! quaerenda pecunia primum! Virtus post Nummos: First open your purses, and then be vertuous, part not with a pe­ny: the rich mizers holde their owne by this Canon lawe. And for those (whom in English we call poore snakes) A­las! they are barde (by the Statute against Beggers) from giuing a dandiprat or a Bawbee. In the Campe there is no­thing to be had but blowes and Prouant: for souldiers had neuer worse doings: My sweet Captain, bestowes his pipe of rich Trynidado (taking the Muses for Irish Chimny-swee­pers) and thats his Talent.

Being in this melancholy contemplation, and hauing wept a whole ynck-horne full of Verses in bewailing the miseries of the time, on the suddaine I started vp: with my teeth bit my writings, because I would eate my words: con­demnd my pen-knife to the cutting of powder-beefe and brewes: my paper to the drying and inflaming of Tobacco: and my Retirements to a more Gentleman-like recreation, viz. Duke Humphres walke in Powles: swearing fiue or sixe poeticall furious oathes, that the Goose-quill should neuer more gull me, to make me shoote paper-bullets into any Stationers shop, or to serue vnder the weather-beaten colours of Apollo, seeing his pay was no better. Yet remem­bring what a notable good fellow thou wert: the onely Atlas that supports the Olympian honour of learning: and (out of thy horne of Abundance) a continuall Benefactor to all Schollers (Thou matchlesse Nobody!) I set vp my rest, and vowde to consecrate all my blotting-papers onely to thee: And not content to dignifie thee with that loue and honor of my selfe: I sommond all the Rymesters, Play-pat­chers, Iig-makers, Ballad-mongers, & Pamphlet-stitchers (being the yeomanry of the Company) together with all [Page] those whom Theocrytus calls the Muses Byrds (being the Maisters and head-Wardens) and before them all made an [...]ncomiasticall Oration in praise of Nobody, (scilicet your proper selfe) pronouncing them Asses, and threatning to haue them prest to serue at sea in the ship of Fooles, if euer hereafter, they taught their lynes (like water-Spaniels) to fetch any thing that were throwne out for thē, or to diue into the vnworthy commendations of Lucius Apuleius, or any Golden-Asle of them all, being for their paines clapt only on the shoulder, and sent away dropping, when as thy lea­therne bagges stand more open than Seacoale sackes more bounteously to reward them.

I had no sooner cut out thy vertues in these large cantles, but all the Synagogue of Scribes gaue a Pla [...]dite, crying out Viua voce, with one loud throat, that All their verses should henceforth haue more feete, and take longer strides than if they went vpon stilttes, onely to carry thy glorious praises ouer the earth: And that none (but Nobody) should licke the fat of their Inuentions: that Dukes, Earles, Lordes and Ladies, should haue their Il-liberal names torn out of those bookes whose Authors they sent away with a Flea in their eare, And the stile of Nobody in Capitall Romane Letters, brauely Printed in their places.

Herevpon crowding their heads together, and amongst thēselues canuasing more & more thy inexplicable worth, All of them (as inspirde) burst suddenly forth, and sung ex­temporall Odes in thine honor, & Palynodes in recanta iō of all former good opinions held of niggardly patrons: One of them magnifying thee, for that in this pestiferous ship­wrack of Londoners, when the Pilot, Boteswaines, Maister and Maisters-mates, with all the chiefe Mariners that had charge in this goodly Argozy of gouernment, leapt from the sterne, strooke all the sailes from the maine yard to the mizzen; neuer lookt to the Compasse, neuer fownded in places of danger, nor so much as put out their Close-fights, [Page] when they saw a most cruel man of warre pursue them, but suffred all to sinke or swim, crying out onely, Put your trust in God my Bullies, & not in vs, whilst they either hid them selues vnder hatches, or else scrambled to shoare in Cock­boats: yet thou (vndanted Nobody) then, euen then, didst stand stoutly to thy tackling, step coragiously to the helme, and manfully runne vp & downe, encouraging those (with comfortable words) whose hearts laie coldly in their bel­lies. Another lifted thee vp aboue the third Heauen, for playing the Constable part so rarely: And (not as your commō Constables, charging poore sick wretches, that had neither meate nor mony, in the kings name to keepe their houses, thats to say, to famish & die: But discharging whole baskets full of victualls (like vollies of shot) in at their win­dowes: thou, onely thou (most charitable Nobody, madest them as fat as butter, & preseruedst their liues. A third ex­told thy martiall discipline, in appointing Ambushes of Surgeons and Apothecaries, to lye close in euery ward, of purpose to cut of any cōuoy that broght the plague succor. A fourth swore at the next Impressiō of the Chronicles, to haue thy name, with the yeare of our Lord & certain Hex­ameter verses under-neath) all in great goldē letters, wher­in thy Fame should be consecrated to eternall memory, for carefully purchasing conuenient plots of ground, onlie for Burialls (and those out of the Citie too, as they did in Ieru­salem) to the intent, that threescore (contrary to an Act of common Councell against In-mates might not be pestred together, in one litle hole, where they lie and rot: but that a poore man might for his mony haue elbow-roome, & not haue his guts thrust out to be eaten vp with paltry worms: least when in hot and drie Sommers (that are yet not drea­med on) those mustie bodies putrifying, the inavoydable stench of their strong breath be smelt out by the Sun, and then there's new worke for Clarkes and Sextons.

[Page]Thus had euery one a flirt at thy praises: if thou hadst bene begde to haue plaid an Anatomy in Barber-surgions Hall, thy good parts could not haue bene more curiosly ript vp: they diu'de into the very bowels of thy hartie com­mendations. So that I, that (like a Match) scarce gaue fire before, to the dankish powder of their apprehensions, was now burnt vp my self, in the flames of a more ardent affec­tion towards thee, kindled by them. For presently the court brake vp, and (without a quarter-dinner) all parted: their heads being great with childe, and aking very pittifully, till they were deliuered of Hymnes, Hexasticons, Paeans, and such other Panegyricall stuffe, which euery one thought 7. yeare till he had brought forth, to testifie the loue that he bore to Nobody: In aduancement of whose honour (and this was sworne vpon a pen & ynck-horne in stead of a sword, yet they al write Tam marti quàm mercurio, but how lawfully let the Heralds haue an eye toot) they vowd & swore very ter­ribly, to sacrifice the very liues of their inuention; And whē they wanted ynck (as many of them do wanting mony) or had no more (like a Chancery-man) but one pen in all the world, parcell of their oath was, to write with their blood and a broome-stick before they would sit idle.

Accept therefore (for hansell-sake) these curtall Rymes of ours (thou Capon-feaster of schollers:) I call thē News frō Graues-end: Be it knowne vnto thy Non-residence, that I come not neare that Graues-end (which takes his beginning in Kent) by twenty miles at least; but the end of those Graues do I shoote at, which were cast vp here in London, to stand as land-marks for euery parish, to teach them how far they were to goe: laying down (so wel as I can) the maner how death & his army of pestilent Archers, entred the field, and how euery arrow that they drew, did almost cleaue a heart in sunder. Reade ouer but one leafe (deare Nobody) & thou purst vpō me an armor of proofe against the rankling teeth [Page] of those mad dogs (cald Booke-biters) that run barking vp and downe Powles Church-yard, and bite the Muses by the shinnes Commend thou my labours, and I will labour onely to commend thee: for thy humor being pleasd, all the mewing Critists in the world shall not fright me. I know the Stationers will wish me and my papers burnt (like hereticks) at the Crosse, if thou doest (now) but enter into their Shops by my meanes: It would fret their hearts to see thee at their Stalls reading my Newes. Yet therein they deale doubly, and like notable dissemblers, for all the time of this Plaguy Allarum, they marcht only vnder thy cullors: desirde none but thy company▪ none but thy selle wert welcome to them: none but Nobody (as they all cride out the thine immortall commendatious) bought bookes of them: Nobody was their best, and most boun­teous customer. Fye on this hollow-hearted world! Do they shake thee off now? Be wise, and come not neere them by twelue-score at least, so shalt thou not neede to care what disgraces they shoote at thee. But leauing them to their old tune, of What new Bookes do you lack? prick vp thine eares like a March-Hare (at the sudden cry of a ken­nell of hounds) and listen what newes the Post thats come from Winchester - Terme windes out of his horne.

O that thou hadst taken a lease there (happy Nobody) but for one moneth, the place had (for thy sake) bin well spoken of for euer. Many did heartily pray (especially Wa­termen, and Players, besides the Drawers, Tapsters, But­chers, and Inholders, with all the rest of the hungry Comi­naltie of Westminster) for thy going thither. Ten thousand in London swore to feast their neighbors with nothing but plum-porredge, and mince-pyes all Christmas, (that now for anger will not bestow a crust on a begger) vpon condi­tion that all the Iudges, Sergeants, Barristers, and Atturnies, had not set a foot out of dores, but that thou only (in pomp) [Page] (sauing them that labour) hadst rode the iourney, so gree­dily did they thirst after thy preferment. For hadst thou bin there, those black-buckrom tragedies had neuer bin seene, that there haue bin acted. Alas! its a beastly thing to report. But (truth must out) poore dumb Horses were made meere Iades, being vsed to villanouslie, that they durst neither weihy nor wag taile. And though the riders of them had growne neuer so chollerick, and chaft till they foamd againe, an Hostler to walke them was not to be had for loue or money. Neither could the Geldings (euen of Gentlemen) get leaue (for all they swet til they dropt again) to stand as they had wont at Rack & Manger. (no, no, twas enough for their maisters to haue that honor) but now (a­against all equitie) were they cald (when they little thought of any such matter) to a deere reckoning for all their old wilde-oates.

A cōspiracy there was amōgst all the Inkeepers, that Iack Straw (an ancient rebell) should choak al the horses: and the better to bring this to passe, a bottle of hay was sold deerer then a bottle of wine at London. A trusse cost more, then maister Maiors trusse of Forduch, with the sleeues & belly-piece all of bare Sattin to boote: Which knauery being smelt out, the horsemen grew pollitick, & neuer sate downe to dinner, but their Nags were still at their elbowes: so that it grew to be as ordinary a question, to aske, What shall I pay for a Chamber for my selfe and my Gelding all night, (because they would not be Iaded any more) as in other countrey townes, For my wife and my selfe, for a beast and a man were entertained both alike, and that in such wonderful sort, that theile speake of it, In aeternam rei memoriam. For most of their roomes were fairely built (out of the ground, but not out of the durt) like Irish Houels, hung round about with cobweb-lawne very richly, and furnished, no Aldermans Parlor in London like them: for heres your bed, there a [Page] stable, and that a hogsty, yet so artificially contriu'd, that they stand all vnder one roofe, to the amazement of all that behold them.

But what a childishnes is it, to get vp thus vpon their Hobby-horses, let them bite a the bridle, whilst we haue a­bout with the men. As for the women, they may laugh and lye downe, its a merry world with them, but some-body payes for it. O Winchester! much mutton hast thou to an­swer for, which thou hast made away (being sluttishly fryed out in steakes, or in burnt Carbonadoes) thy maid-seruants best know how, if they were cald to an account. It was happy for some, that 4. of the Returnes were cut off, for if they had held together, many a one had neuer returned from thence his owne man. Oh beware! your Winche­ster-Goose is tenne times more dangerous to surfet vpon, than your S. Nicholas Shambles-Capon.

You talke of a Plague in London, & red Crosses set vpon dores, but ten plagues cannot melt so many crosses of siluer out of Lawyers purses, as the Winchesterians (with a hey-pas, re-pas) iugled out of theirs to put into their owne. Patient they were I must needes confesse, for they would pocket vp any thing, came it neuer so wrongfully, insomuch that very good substantiall householders haue oftentimes gone away with crackt crownes, & neuer cōplaind of thē that gaue thē. If euer mony were currant (à currēdo, of rūning away) now was the time, it ran frō the poore clients to the Atturneys & Clarks of bands in small troopes (here 10 & there 20) but when the Leaguers of Winchester cried Charge, Charge, the Lawyers paid fort, they went to the pot full deerely, & the townesmen still caryed away all the noble and royall victo­ries. So that being puft vp with an opinion, that the Siluer Age was crept into the world againe, they denyed (in a manner) the Kings Coyne, for a penny was no money with them. Whensoeuer there shall come forth a Prest [Page] for Souldiers, thither let it be sent, for by all the opinion of the best Captaines (that had a charge there, and haue tryed them) the men of Winchester are the onely seruiceable men this day in England: the reason is, they care no more to ven­ture among small shots, than to be at the discharging of so many Cannes of beere: Tush, us their desire, to see those that enter vpon them, to come off soundly, that when they are gone, all the world may beare witnes they came to their cost.

And being thus (night and day) imploid, and continu­ally entring into Action, it makes them haue mightie sto­macks, so that they are able to soake and deuoure all that come in their way: A Rapier and a Cloake haue bin eaten vp at a Supper as cleane (and caryed away well too) as if they had bin but two Rabbet-suckers. A Nag serued but one Seruing-man to a breakefast, whilst the Saddle and Bridle were brewd into a quart of strong Beere.

This intollerable destroying of victuals being lookt into, the Inhabitants laid their heads together, and agreed among themselues (for the general good of the whole Towne) to make it a towne of Garrison. And seeing the desperate Termers, that stroue in lawe together, in such a pittifull pickle, and euery day so durty, that when they met their Councell, they lookt like the black Guard, fighting with the Innes of Court, that therefore all the Househol­ders should turne Turke, and be victuallers to the Camp. By this meanes hauing the lawe in their owne hands, they rulde the roast how they listed: insomuch, that a common iugge of double Beere skornd to kisse the lips of a Knight vnder a groate. Sixe howres sleepe could not be bought vnder fiue shillings. Yea in some places a nights lodging was dearer than the hire of a Curtizan in Venice twice so long. And (hauing learnd the tricks of London-Sextons) there they laid foure or fiue in a bed, as here, those other [Page] knaues of Spades thrust nine and tenne into one graue. Beds keeping such a iustling of one another in euery roome, that in the day time the lodgings lookt like so many Vpholsters Shops, and in the night time like the Sauoy, or S. Thomas Hospitall. At which, if any guest did but once bite his lip, or grumble, he was cashierd the com­pany for a mutinous fellow, the place was not for him, let him trudge. A number stood with Petitions readie to giue mony for the reuersion of it: for Winchester now durst, (or at least hopt to) stand vpon prowd termes with London. And this (thou beloued of all men) is the very pith and marrow of the best and latest Newes (except the vnmas­king of certaine Treasons) that came with the Post from Winchester, where if thou hadst hirde a Chamber (as would to heauen thou hadst) thou wouldst neuer haue gone to any Barbers in London whilst thou hadst liude, but haue bin trimd only there, for they are the true shauers, they haue the right Neapolitan polling.

To whose commendations, let me glew this piece more, that it is the most excellent place for dispatching of old suites in the world, for a number of riding suites (that had lyen long in lauander) were worne out there, only with seruing amongst the hot shots, that marcht there vp and downe: let Westminster therefore, Temple-bar, and Fleete­streete, drinke off this draught of Rosa solis, to fetch life into them againe, after their so often swounding, that those few Iurors that went thither (if any did goe thither) haue tane an oath neuer to sit at Winchester-Ordinary againe, if they can choose, but rather to breake their fasts in the old Abbey behinde Westminster, with Pudding-Pyes, and Furmenty.

Deliuer Copies of these Newes (good Nobody) to none of thy acquaintance (as thou tenderst me) and thou shalt commaund any seruice at my hands: for I haue an intent [Page] to hire three or foure Ballad-makers, who I know will be glad for sixe pence and a dinner, to turne all this lim­ping Prose into more perfectly-halting Verse, that it shall doe any true-borne Citizens heart good, to heare such doings sung to some filthie tune, and so fare­well. Turne ouer a new leafe, and try if I handle the Plague in his right kind.