[i]
Treatises writ by the same Author, most of them mentioned in the following
Discourses; which will be speedily published.
A
Character of the present Set of Wits in this Island.
A Panegyrical Essay upon the Number THREE.
A Dissertation upon the principal Productions of Grub-Street.
Lectures upon a Dissection of Human Nature.
A Panegyrick upon the World.
An Analytical Discourse upon Zeal, Histori-theo-physi-logically
considered.
A general History of Ears.
A modest Defence of the Proceedings of the Rabble in all Ages.
A Description of the Kingdom of Absurdities.
A Voyage into England, by a Person of Quality in Terra Australis
incognita, translated from the Original.
A Critical Essay upon the Art of Canting, Philosophically, Physically, and
Musically considered.
[ii]
A
TALE
OF A
TUB.
Written for the Universal Improvement of
Mankind.
Din multumque desideratum.
To which is added,
An ACCOUNT of a
BATTLEL
BETWEEN THE
Antient and Modern BOOKS
in St. James's Library.
Basima eacabase eanzz irraurista, diarba diarba da cacotaba fobor
camelanthi. Iren. Lib. I. C. 18.
Juvatque neves decerpere stores, Insignemque mes capiti petere inde
corocom,Unde prius nulli velerunt tempere Muse. Lucret.
LONDON:
Printed for John Nutt, near
Stationers-Hall.
MDCCIV.
[iii]
TO The Right Honourable,JOHN Lord SOMMERS.
My
Lord,
THO the Author has written a large Dedication, yet That being address'd to a
Prince, whom I am never likely to have the Honor of being known to; A Person,
besides, as far as I can observe, not at all regarded, or thought on by any of our
present Writers; And, I being wholly free from that Slavery, which Booksellers
usually lye under, to the Caprices of Authors; I think it a wise Piece of
Presumption, to inscribe these Papers to your Lordship, and to implore your
Lordship's Protection of them. God and your Lordship know their Faults, and their
Merits; for a to my own Particular, I am altogether a Stranger to the Matter; And,
though every Body else should be equally ignorant, I do not sear the Sale of the
Book, at all the worse, upon that Score. Your Lord- ship's
A 3
[iv] ship's Name on the Front, in Capital Letters, will at any time get off
one Edition: Neither would I desire any other Help, to grew an Alderman, than a
Patent for the sole Priviledge of Dedicating to your Lordship.
I should now, in right of a Dedicator, give your Lordship a List of your own Virtues,
and at the same time, be very unwilling to offend your Modesty; But, chiefly, I
should celebrate your Liberality towards Men of great Parts and small Fortunes, and
give you broad Hints, that I mean my self. And, I was just going on in the usual
Method, to peruse a hundred or two of Dedications, and transcribe an Abstract, to be
applied to your Lordship; But, I was diverted by a certain Accident. For, upon the
Covers of these Papers, I casually observed written in large Letters, the two
following Words, DETUR DIGNISSIMO; which, for ought I knew, might contain
some important Meaning. But, it unluckily sell out, that none of the Authors I
employ, understood Latin (tho', I have them often in pay, to translate out of
that Language) I was therefore compelled to have recourse to the Curate of our
Parish, who Englished it thus, Let it be given to the Worthiest; And his
Comment was, that the Author meant, his
[v] his Work should be dedicated to the sublimest Genius of the Age, for Wit,
Learning, Judgment, Eloquence and Wisdom. I call'd at a Poet's Chamber (who works
for my Shop) in an Alley hard by, shewed him the Translation, and desired his
Opinion, who it was that the Author could mean; He told me, after some
Consideration, that Vanity was a Thing he abhorr'd; but by the Description, he
thought Himself to be the Person aimed at; And, at the same time, he very kindly
offer'd his own Assistance gratis, towards penning a Dedication to Himself. I
desired him, however, to give a second Guess; Why then, said he, It must be I, or my
Lord Sommers. From thence I went to several other Wits of my Acquaintance,
with no small Hazard and Weariness to my Person, from a prodigious Number of dark,
winding Stairs; But found them all in the same Story, both of your Lordship and
themselves. Now, your Lordship is to understand, that this Proceeding was not of my
own Invention; For, I have somewhere heard, it is a Maxim, that those, to whom every
Body allows the second Place, have an undoubted Title to the First.
This, infallibly, convinced me, that your Lordship was the Person intended
by the Author. But, being very unacquainted in
A 4
[vi] in the Style and Form of Dedications, I employ'd those Wits aforesaid, to
furnish me with Hints and Materials, towards a Panegyrick upon your Lordship's
Virtues.
IN two Days, they brought me ten Sheets of Paper, fill'd up on every Side.
They swore to me, that they had ransack'd whatever could be found in the Characters
of Socrates, Aristides, Epaminondas, Cate. Tussy, Atticus, and other hard
Names, which I cannot now recollect. However, I have Reason to believe, they imposed
upon my Ignorance, because, when I came to read over their Collections, there was
not a Syllable there, but, what I and every body else, knew as well as themselves:
Therefore, I grievously suspect a Cheat; and, that these Authors of mine, stole and
transcribed every Word, from the universal Report of Mankind. So that I look upon my
self, as fifty Shillings out of Pocket, to no manner of Purpose.
IF, by altering the Title, I could make the same Materials serve for another
Dedication (as my Betters have done) it would help to make up my Loss; But, I have
made several Persons, dip here and there in those Papers, and before they read three
Lines, they have all assured me, plainly, that they cannot possibly be applied to
any Person, besides your Lordship. I
[vii]
I expected, indeed, to have heard of your Lordship's Bravery, at the Head of an Army;
Of your undaunted Courage, in mounting a Breach, or sealing a Wall; Or, to have had
your Pedigree trac'd in a Lineal Descent from the House of Austria; Or, of
your wonderful Talent at Dress and Dancing; Or, your Profound Knowledge in
Algebra, Metaphysicks, and the Oriental Tongues: But to ply the World
with an old beaten Story of your Wit, and Eloqence, and Learning, and Wisdom, and
Justice, and Politeness, and Candor, and Evenness of Temper in all Scenes of Life;
Of that great Discernment in Discovering, and Readiness in Favouring deserving Men;
with forty other common Topicks: I confess, I have neither Conscience, nor
Countenance to do it. Because, there is no Virtue, either of a Publick or Private
Life, which some Circumstances of your own, have not often produced upon the Stage
of the World; And those few, which for want of Occasions to exert them, might
otherwise have pass'd unseen or un-observed by your Friends, your
Enemies have at length brought to Light.
'Tis true, I should be very loth, the Bright Example of your Lordship's
Virtues should be lost to after Ages, both for their sake and your own; but chiefly,
because they
[viii] they will be so very necessary to adorn the History of a late
Reign; And That is another Reason, why I would forbear to make a Recital of
them here; Because, I have been told by Wise Men, that as Dedications have run for
some Years past, a good Historian will not be apt to have Recouse thither, in search
of Characters.
There is one Point, wherein I think we Dedicators would do well to change
our Measures; I mean, instead of running on so far, upon the Praise of our Parron's
Liberality,to spend a Word or two, in admiring their Patience. I
can put no greater Compliment on your Lordship's, than by giving you so ample an
Occasion to exercise it at present. Tho’, perhaps, I shall not be apt to reckon much
Merit to your Lordship upon that Score, who having been formerly used to redious
Harangues, and sometimes, to as little Purpose, will be the readier to pardon this,
especially, when it is offered by one, who is with all Respect and Veneration.
THE
My
Lord,
Your Lordship's most Obedient, and most Faithful Servant,
[ix]
THE BOOKSELLER TO THE READER.
I
t is now Six Tears, since these Papers came first to my Hands, which seems to
have been about a Twelvemonth after they were writ: For, the Author tells us in
his Preface to the first Treatise, that he hath calculated it for the year 1697,
and in several Passages of that Discourse, as well as the second, it appears,
they were written about that Time.
As to the Author, I can give no manner of Satisfaction; However, I am credibly
informed, that this Publication is without his knowledge; for he concludes the
Copy is lost, having lent it to a Person, since dead, and being never in
Possession of it after: So that, whether the Work received his last Hand, or,
whether he intended to fill up the defective Places, is like to remain a
Secret.
If
[x]
If I should go about to tell the Reader, by what Accident, I became Master of
these Papers, it would, in this unbelieving Age, pass for little more than the
Cant, or Jargon of the Trade. I, therefore, gladly spare both him and my self so
unnecessary a Trouble. There yet remains a difficult Question, why I publish'd
them no sooner. I forbore upon two Accounts: First, because I thought I had
better Work upon my Hands; and Secondly, because. I was not without some Hope of
hearing from the Author, and receiving his Directions. But, I have been lately
alarm'd with Intelligence of a surreptitious Copy, which a certain great Wit had
new polish'd and refin'd, or, as our present Writers express themselves,
fitted to the Humor of the Age; as they have already done, with great Felicity,
to Don Quixot, Bocealini, la Bruyere, and other Authors. However, I
thought it fairer Dealing, to offer the whole Work in its Naturals. If any
Gentleman will please to furnish me with a Key, in order to explain the more
difficult Parts, I shall very gratefully acknowledge the Favour, and print it by
itself.
THE
1
THE Epistle Dedicatory, TO His Royal Highness Prince Posterity.
SIR.
I
Here present Tour Highness with the Fruits of a very few leisure
Hours, stollen from the short Intervals of a World of Business, and of an Employment
quite alien from such Amusements as this: The poor Production of that Refuse of Time
which has lain heavy upon my Hands, during a long Prorogation of Parliament, a great
Dearth of Forein News, and a tedious Fit of rainy Weather: For which, and other
Reasons, it cannot chuse extreamly to deserve such a Patronage as that of Tour
Highness, whose numberless
B
2 numberless Virtues in so few Years, make the World look upon You as
the future Example to all Princes: For altho' Tour Highness is hardly got
clear of Infancy, yet has the universal learned World already resolved upon
appealing to Your future Dictates with the lowest and most resignned Submission;
Fate having decreed You sole Arbiter of the Productions of human Wit, in this polite
and most accomplish'd Age. Methinks, the Number of Appellants were enough to shock
and startle any Judge of a Genius less unlimited than Yours: But in order to prevent
such glorious Tryals, the Person (it seems) to whose Care the Education of
Tour Highness is committed, has resolved (as I am told) to keep You in
almost an universal Ignorance of our Studies, which it is Your inherent Birth-right
to inspect.
It is amazing to me, that this Person should have Aslurance in the
face of the Sun, to go about persuading Tour Highness, that our Age is almost
wholly illiterate, and has hardly produced one Writer upon any Subject. I know very
well, that when Tour Highness shall come to riper Years, and have gone thro'
the Learn- ing
3 ing of Antiquity. You will be too curious to neglect inquiring into
the Authors of the very Age before You; And to think that this Insolent, in
the Account he is preparing for Your View, designs to reduce them to a Number so
insignificant as I am ashamed to mention; it moves my Zeal and my Spleen for the
Honor and Interest of our vast flourishing Body, as well as of my self, for whom I
know by long Experience, he has profess'd, and Still continues a peculiar Malice.
'Tis not unlikely, that when Tour Highness will one Day peruse what I
am now writing, You may be ready to expostulate with Your Governour upon the
Credit of what I here affirm, and command Him to shew You some of our Productions.
To which he will answer, (for I am well informed of his Designs) by asking Tour
Highness, where they are? and what is become of them? and pretend it a
Demonstration that there never were any, because they are not then to be found: Not
to be found! Who has mislaid them? Are they sunk in the Abyss of Things? 'Tis
certain, that in their own Nature they were light enough to swim upon the
Surface
B 2
4 Surface for all Eternity: Therefore the Fault is in Him, who tied
Weights so heavy to their Heels, as to depress them to the Center. Is their very
Essence destroyed? Who has annihilated them? Were they drowned by Purges or
martyred by Pipes? Who administered them to the Posteriors of-But that it may
no longer be a Doubt with Tour Highness, who is to be the Author of this
universal Ruin; I beseech You to observe that large and terrible Scythe which
Your Governour affects to bear continually about him. Be pleased to remark
the Length and Strength, the Sharpness and Hardness of his Nails and
Teeth; Consider his baneful abominable Breath, Enemy to Life and
Matter, infectious and corrupting: And then reflect whether it be possible for any
mortal Ink and Paper of this Generation to make a suitable Resistance. Oh, that
Tour Highness would one day resolve to disarm this Usurping Maitre de
Palais, of his furious Engins, and bring Your Empire bors du Page.
It were endless to recount the several Methods of Tyranny and Destruction,
which Your Governour is pleased to pra- ctice
5 ctice upon this Occasion. His inveterate Malice is such to the
Writings of our Age, that of several Thousands produced yearly from this renowned
City, before the next Revolution of the Sun, there is not one to be heard of:
Unhappy Infants, many of them barbarously destroyed, before they have so much as
learnt their Mother-Tongue to beg for Pity. Some he stifles in their Cradles,
others he frights into Convulsions, whereof they suddenly die; Some he flays alive,
others he tears Limb from Limb: Great Numbers are offered to Moloch, and the
rest tainted by his Breath, die of a languishing Consumption.
But the Concern I have most at Heart, is for our Corporation of
Poets, from whom I am preparing a Petition to Tour Highness, to be
subscribed with the Names of one hundred thirty six of the first Rate, but whose
immortal Productions are never likely to reach your Eyes, tho' each of them is now
an humble and an earnest Appellant for the Laurel, and has large comely Volumes
ready to shew for a Support to his Pretensions. The never-dying Works of
these illustrious Persons, Your
Governour,
B3
6
Governour, Sir, has devoted to unavoidable Death, and Tour Highness is
to be made believe, that our Age has never arrived at the Honor to produce one
single Poet.
We confess Immortality to be a great and powerful Goddess, but in
vain we offer up to her our Devotions and our Sacrifices, if Tour Highness's
Governour, who has usurped the Priesthood, must by an unparallel'd
Ambition and Avarice, wholly intercept and devour them.
To affirm that our Age is altogether Unlearned, and devoid of Writers in any kind,
seems to be an Assertion so bold and so false, that I have been sometime thinking,
the contrary may almost be proved by uncontroulable Demonstration. 'Tis true indeed,
that altho' their Numbers be vast, and their Productions numerous in proportion, yet
are they hurryed so hastily off the Scene, that they escape our Memory, and delude
our Sight. When I first thought of this Address, I had prepared a copious List of
Titles to present Tour Highness as an undisputed Argument for what
I affirm. The Originals were posted
7 posted fresh upon all Gates and Corners of Streets; but returning in
a very few Hours to take a Review, they were all torn down, and fresh ones in their
Places: I enquired after them among Readers and Booksellers, but I enquired in vain,
the Memorial of them was lost among Men, their Place was no more to be found;
and I was laughed to scorn, for a Clown and a Pedant, devoid of all
Taste and Resinement, little versed in the Course of present Affairs, and
that knew nothing of what had pass'd in the best Companies of Court and Town. So
that I can only avow in general to Tour Highness, that we do abound in
Learning and Wit; but to fix upon Particulars, is a Task too slippery for my slender
Abilities. If I should venture in a windy Day, to affirm to Tour Highness,
that there is a huge Cloud near the Horizon in the Form of a Bear,
another in the Zenith with the Head of an Ass, a third to the Westward
with Claws like a Dragon; and Tour Highness should in a few Minutes
think fit to examine the Truth; tis certain, they would be all changed in Figure and
Position, new ones would arise, and all we could agree upon would be, that Clouds
there
8 were, but that I was grosly mistaken in the Zoography
and Topography of them.
But Your Governour, perhaps, may still insist, and put the Question;
What is then become of those immense Bales of Paper, which must needs have been
employ'd in such Numbers of Books? Can these also be wholly annihilate, and so of a
sudden as I pretend? What shall I say in return of so invidious an Objection? It ill
befits the Distance between Tour Highness and Me, to send You for ocular
Conviction to a Jakes or an Oven; to the Windows of a
Bawdy-House, or to a for did Lanthorn. Books like Men their
Authors have no more than one Way of coming into the World, but there are ten
Thousand to go out of it, and return no more.
I profess to Tour Highness in the Integrity of my Heart, that what I am going
to say is literally true this Minute I am writing; What Revolutions may happen
before it shall be ready for Your Perusal, I can by no means warrant; However, I beg
You to accept it as a Specimen of our Learning, our Politeness and our
9 our Wit. I do therefore affirm upon the Word of a sincere Man, that
there is now actually in being, a certain Poet called John Dryden, whose
Translation of Virgil was lately printed in a large Folio, well bound, and if
diligent search were made, for ought I know, is yet to be seen. There is another
call'd Nahum Tale, who is ready to make Oath that he has caused many Rheams
of Verse to be published, whereof both himself and his Bookseller (if lawfully
required) can still produce authentick Copies, and therefore wonders why the World
is pleased to make such a Secret of it. There is a Third, known by the Name of
Tom Durfey, a Poet of a vast Comprehension, an universal Genius, and most
profound Learning. There are also one Mr. Rymer, and one Mr. Dennis,
most profound Criticks. There is a Person styled Dr. B-tl-y, who has wrote
near a thousand Pages of immense Erudition, giving a full and true Account of
a certain Squable of wonderful importance between himself and a Bookseller:
He is a Writer of infinite Wit and Humour; no Man raillyes with a better Grace, and
in more sprightly Turns. Further, I avow to Tour Highness, that with these
Eyes I have be- held
10 held the Person of William W-tt-n, B. D. who has written a
good sizeable Volume against a Friend of Tour Governour (from whom,
alas! he must therefore look for little Favour) in a most gentlemanly Stile, adorned
with utmost Politeness and Civility; replete with Discoveries equally valuable for
their Novelty and Use; and embelish'd with Traits of Wit so poignant and so
apposite, that he is a worthy Yokemate to his fore-mention'd Friend.
Why should I go upon further Particulars, which might fill a Volume with the
just Elogies of my cotemporary Brethren? I shall bequeath this Piece of Justice to a
larger Work; wherein I intend to write a Character of the present Set of Wits
in our Nation: Their Persons I shall describe particularly, and at Length, their
Genius and Understandings in Mignature.
In the mean time, I do here make bold to present Tour Highness with a
faithful Abstract drawn from the Universal Body of all Arts and Sciences, intended
wholl y for Your Service and Instruction: Nor do I doubt in the least, but Tour
Highness will peruse
11 peruse it as carefully, and make as considerable Improvements, as
other young Princes have already done by the many Volumes of late
Years written for a Help to their Studies.
That
Tour Highness may advance in Wisdom and Virtue, as well as Years, and at last
out-shine all Your Royal Ancestors, shall be the daily Prayer of,THE
SIR,
Tour Highness's
Most devoted, &c.
13
THE PREFACE.
THE Wits of the present Age being so very numerous and penetrating, it
seems, the Grandees of Church and State begin to fall under horrible
Apprehensions, lest these Gentlemen during the Intervals of a long Peace, should
find leisure to pick Holes in the weak sides of Religion and Government. To prevent
which, there has been much Thought employ'd of late upon certain Projects for taking
off the Force and Edge of those formidable Enquirers, from canvassing and reasoning
upon such delicate Points. They have at length fixed upon one, which will require
some Time as well as Cost, to perfect. Mean while, the Danger hourly increasing, by
new Levies of Wits all appointed (as there is Reason to fear) with Pen, Ink, and
Paper, which may at an hour's Warning be drawn out into Pamphlets, and other
Offensive Weapons, ready for immediate Execution: It
14
It was judged of absolute necessity, that some present Expedient be thought on, till
the main Design can be brought to Maturity. To this End, at a Grand Committee, some
Days ago, this important Discovery was made by a certain curious and refined
Observer; That Sea-men have a Custom when they meet a Whale, to fling him out
an empty Tub, by way of Amusement, to divert him from laying violent Hands
upon the Ship. This Parable was immediately mythologiz'd; The Whale was
interpreted to be Hobs's Leviathan, which tosses and plays with all other
Schems of Religion and Government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and
empty, and noisy, and wooden, and given to Rotation. This is the Leviathan
from whence the terrible Wits of our Age are said to borrow their Weapons. The
Ship in danger, is easily understood to be its old Antitype the
Commonwealth. But, how to analyze the Tub, was a Matter of
Difficulty; when after long Enquiry and Debate, the literal Meaning was preserved:
And it was decreed, that in order to prevent these Leviathans from tossing
and sporting with the Commonwealth, (which of it self is too apt to
fluctuate) they
15 they should be diverted from their Game by a Tale of a Tub.
And my Genius being conceived to lye not unhappily that way, I had the Honor done me
to be engaged in the Performance.
THIS is the sole Design in publishing the following Treatise, which I hope
will serve for an Interim of some Months to employ those unquiet Spirits,
till the perfecting of that great Work; into the Secret of which, it is reasonable
the courteous Reader should have some little Light.
It is intended that a large Academy be erected, capable of containing nine
thousand seven hundred forty and three Persons; which by modest Computation is
reckoned to be pretty near the current Number of Wits in this Island. These
are to be disposed into the several Schools of this Academy, and there pursue those
Studies to which their Genius most inclines them. The Undertaker himself will
publish his Proposals with all convenient speed, to which I shall refer the curious
Reader for a more particular Account, mentioning at present only a few of the
principal Schools. There is, first, a large Pedara-
stick
16
stick School, with French and Italian Masters. There is also,
the Spelling School, a very spacious Building, The School of
Looking-Glasses: The School of Swearing; The School of
Criticks; The School of Salivation: The School of
Hobby-Horses: The School of Poetry: The School of Tops: The
School of Spleen: The School of Gaming; with many others too tedious
to recount. No Person to be admitted Member into any of these Schools, without an
Attestation under two sufficient Persons Hands, certifying him to be a Wit.
But, to return. I am sufficiently instructed in the principal Duty of a
Preface, if my Genius were capable of arriving at it. Thrice have I forced my
Imagination to take the Tour of my Invention, and thrice it has returned
empty; the latter having been wholly drained by the following Treatise. Not so, my
more successful Brethren the Moderns,who will by no means let slip a Preface
or Dedication, without some notable distinguishing Stroke, to surprize the Reader at
the Entry, and kindle a wonderful Expectation of what is to ensue. Such was that of
a most ingenious Poet, who solliciting his Brain
17 Brain for something new, compared himself to the Hangman,
and his Patron to the Patient: This was ** Hor.
Insigne, recens,
indictum are alio When I went thro' that necessary and noble
#x2020;#x2020; Reading Prefaces, &c. Course of
Study, I had the happiness to observe many such egregious Touches, which I shall not
injure the Authors by transplanting: Because I have remarked, that nothing is so
very tender as a Modern Piece of Wit, and which is apt to suffer so much in
the Carriage. Some things are extreamly witty to day, or fasting, or
in this Place, or at eight a Clock, or over a Battle, or
spoken by Mr. Whatdicall'um, or in a Summer's Morning:Any of
which, by the smallest Transposal or Misapplication, is utterly annihilate. Thus,
Withas its Walks and Purlieus, out of which it may not stray the breadth
of a Hair, upon peril of being lost. The Moderns have artfully fixed this
Mercury,and reduced it to the Circumstances of Time, Place and Person.
Such a Jest ,there is, that will not pass out of Convent-Garden; and such a
one, that is no where intelligible but at Hide-Park Corner. Now, tho' it
sometimes tenderly affects me to consider, that all the towardly Passages I shall
deliver in the fol- lowing
C
18 lowing Treatise, will grow quite out of date and relish with the
first shifting of the present Scene; yet I must need subscribe to the Justice of
this Proceeding: because, I cannot imagine why we should be at Expence to furnish
Wit for succeeding Ages, when the former have made no sort of Provision for ours;
wherein I speak the Sentiment of the very newest, and consequently the most Orthodox
Refiners, as well as my own. However, being extreamly sollicitous that every
accomplish'd Person who has got into the Taste of Wit calculated for this present
Month of August 1697, should descend to the very bottom of all the
Sublime throughout this Treatise; I hold it fit to lay down this general
Maxim. Whatever Reader desires to have a thorow Comprehension of an Author's
Thoughts, cannot take a better Method, than by putting himself into the
Circumcumstances and Posture of Life, that the Writer was in, upon every important
Passage as it slowed from his Pen; For this will introduce a Parity and strict
Correspondence of Idea's between the Reader and the Author. Now, to assist the
diligent Reader in so delicate an Affair, as far as brevity will permit, I have
recol- lected
19 lected, that the shrewdest Pieces of this Treatise, were conceived
in Bed, in a Garrat: At other times (for a Reason best known to my self) I thought
fit to sharpen my Invention with Hunger; and in general, the whole Work was begun,
continued, and ended, under a long course of Physick, and a great want of Money.
Now, I do affirm, it will be absolutely impossible for the candid Peruser to go
along with me in a great many bright Passages, unless upon the several Difficulties
emergent, he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by these Directions. And
this I lay down as my principal Postulatum.
Because I have profess'd to be a most devoted Servant of all Modern
Forms; I apprehend some curious Wit may object a me, for proceeding thus far
in a Preface, without declaiming according to the Custom, against the Multitude of
Writers, whereof the whole Multitude of Writers most reasonably complains. I am just
come from perusing some hundreds of Prefaces, wherein the Authors do at the very
beginning address the gentle Reader concerning this enormous Grievance. Of these
I have
C 2
20 I have preserved a few Examples, and shall set them down as near as
my Memory has been able to retain them.
One begins thus;
For a Man to set up for a Writer, when the Press swarms with, &c
Another;
The Tax upon Paper does not lessen the Number of Scribblers, who daily pester,
&
Another;
When every little Would-be-wit takes Pen in hand, 'tis in vain to enter the
Lists, &
Another;
To observe what Trash the Press swarms with, &.
Another;
SIR. It is merely in Obedience to your Commands that I venture into the Publick;
for who upon a less Consideration would be of a Party with such a Rabble of
Scribblers, &c
Now
21
Now, I have two Words in my own Defense, against this Objection. First, I am far from
granting the Number of Writers, a Nuisance to our Nation, having strenuously
maintained the contrary in several Parts of the following Discourse. Secondly: I do
not well understand the Justice of this Proceeding, because I observe many of these
polite Prefaces, to be not only from the same Hand, but from those who are most
voluminous in their several Productions: Upon which I shall tell the Reader a short
Tale.
A Mountebank in Lecester-Fields had drawn a huge Assembly about him. Among
the rest, a fat unwieldy Fellow, half stifled in the Press, would be every fit
crying out, Lord! what a filthy Crowd is here; Pray, good People, give way a
little; Bless me! what a Devil has rak'd this Rabble together: Z-ds, what
squeezing is this! Honest Friend, remove your Elbow. At last a Weaver that stood
next him could hold no longer? A Plague confound you (said he) for an over-grown
Sloven; and who (in the Devil's Name) I wonder, helps to make up the Crowd half
so much as your self? Don't
you
C3
22
you consider (with a Pox) that you take up more room with that Carcass than any
five here? Is not the Place as free for us as for you? Bring your own Guts to a
reasonable Compass (and be d-n'd) and then I'll engage we shall have room enough
for us all.
There are certain common Privileges of a Writer, the Benefit whereof, I hope
there will be no Reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it
shall be concluded, that something very useful and profound is coutcht underneath:
And again, that whatever Word or Sentence is printed in a different Character, shall
be judged to contain something extraordinary either of Wit or Sublime.
As for the Liberty I have thought fit to take of praising my self, upon some
Occasions or none; I am sure it will need no Excuse, if a Multitude of great
Examples be allowed sufficient Authority: For, it is here to be noted, that
Praise was originally a Pension paid by the World; but the Moderns
finding the Trouble and Charge too great in collecting it, have lately bought out
the Fee-Smple; since which time, the Right of Presentation is wholly in
ourselves. For this Reason it is, that when an
23 an Author makes his own Elogy, he uses a certain Form to declare
and insist upon his Title, which is commonly in these or the like Words, I speak
without Vanity; which I think plainly shews it to be a Matter of Right and
Justice. Now, I do here once for all declare, that in every Encounter of this
Nature, thro' the following Treatise, the Form aforesaid is imply'd; which I
mention, to save the Trouble of repeating it on so many Occasions.
'Tis a great Ease to my Conscience that I have writ so elaborate and useful
a Discourse without one grain of Satyr intermixt; which is the sole Point wherein I
have taken Leave to dissent from the famous Originals of our Age and Country. I have
observ'd some Satyrists to use the Publick much at the rate that Pedants do a
naughty Boy ready hors'd for Discipline; First expostulate the Case, then plead the
Necessity of the Rod, from great Provocations, and conclude every Period with a
Lash. Now, if I know anything of Mankind, these Gentlemen might very well spare
their Reproof and Correction: For, there is not through all Nature another so
callous and insensible a Member as the World's Posteriors, whether you ap-
ply
C4
24 ply to it the Toe or the Birch. Besides, most of our
late Satyrists secem to lye under a fort of Mistake, that because Nettles
have the Prerogative to Sting, therefore all other Weeds must do so too. I
make not this Comparison out of the least Design to detract from these worthy
Writers: For it is well known among Mythelogists, that Weeds have the
Preeminence over all other Vegetables; and therefore the first Monarch of
this Island, whose Taste and Judgment were so acute and refined, did very wisely
root out the Roses from the Collar of the Order, and plant the
Thistles in their stead, as the nobler Flower of the two. For which
Reason it is conjectured by profounder Antiquaries, that the Satyrical Itch, so
prevalent in this Part of our Island, was first brought among us from beyond the
Tweed. Here may it long flourish and abound; May it surivive and neglect
the Scorn of the World, with as much Ease and Contempt, as the World is insensible
to the Lashes of it. May their own Dullness, or that of their Party, be no
Discouragement for the Authors to proceed; but let them remember, it is with
Wits as with Razors, which are never so apt to cut those
they are
25 are employ'd on, as when they have lost their Edge: Besides,
those whose Teeth are too rotten to hire, are best of all others qualified to
revenge that Defect with their Breath.
I am not like other Men, to envy or undervalue the Talents I cannot reach; for which
Reason I must needs bear a true Honor to this large eminent Sect of our
British Writers. And I hope, this little Panegyrick will not be offensive
to their Ears, since it has the Advantage of being only designed for themselves.
Indeed, Nature herself has taken Order, that Fame and Honor should be purchased at a
better Penyworth by Satyr, than by any other Productions of the Brain; the World
being soonest provoked to Praise by Lashes, as Men are to Love.
There is a Problem in an ancient Author, why Dedications, and other Bundles of
Flattery run all upon stale musty Topicks, without the smallest Tincture of any
thing New; not only to the torment and nauseating of the Christian Reader,
but (if not suddenly prevented) to the universal spreading of that pestilent
Disease, the Lethargy in this Island: Whereas, there is very little
26 little Satyr which has not something in it untouch'd before. The
Defects of the former are usually imputed to the want of Invention among those who
are Dealers in that kind: But, I think, with a great deal of Injustice; the Solution
being easy and natural. For, the Materials of Panegyrick being very few in Number,
have been long since exhausted: For, as Health is but one Thing, and has been always
the same, whereas Diseases are by thousands, besides new and daily Additions: So,
all the Virtues that have been ever in Mankind, are to be counted upon a few
Fingers; but his Follies and Vices are innumerable, and Time adds hourly to the
Heap. Now, the utmost a poor Poet can do, is to get by heart a List of the Cardinal
Virtues, and deal them with his utmost Liberality to his Hero or his Patron: He may
ring the Changes as far as it will go, and vary his Phrase till he has talk'd round;
but the Reader quickly finds, it is all **Plutarch.
Pork, with
a little variety of Sawce: For there is no inventing Terms of Art beyond our Idea's;
and when Idea's are exhausted, Terms of Art must be so too.
But,
27
But, tho' the Matter for Panegyrick were as fruitful as the Topicks of
Satyr, yet would it not be hard to find out a sufficient Reason, why the latter will
be alway better received than the first. For, this being bestowed only upon one or a
few Persons at a time, is sure to raise Envy, and consequently ill Words from the
rest, who have no share in the Blessing; But Satyr being levelled at all, is never
resented for an Offence by any, since every individual Person makes bold to
understand it of others, and very wisely removes his particular Part of the Burthen
upon the Shoulders of the World, which are broad enough, and able to bear it. To
this purpose. I have sometimes reflected upon the Difference between Athens
and England with respect to the Point before us. In the Attick **
Vid. Xenopls
Commonwealth, it was the Privilege and Birth-right
of every Citizen and Poet, to rail aloud and in publick, or to expose upon the Stage
by Name, any Person they pleased, tho' of the greatest Figure, whether a
Creon, an Hyperbolus, an Alcibiades, or a
Demosthenes
28
nes: But, on the other side, the least reflecting Word let fall against the
People in general, was immediately caught up, and revenged upon the
Authors, however considerable for their Quality or their Merits. Whereas, in
England it is just the Reverse of all this. Here, you may securely
display your utmost Rbetorick against Mankind, in the Face of the World; tell
them, " That all are gone astray;" That there is none that doth good, no not
"one; Tha, we live in the very Dregs of "Time; That Knavery and Atheism are "
Epidemick as the Pox; That Honesty " is fled with Astr#x153;a; with any
other Common Places equally new and eloquent, which are furnished by the
** Hor.
Splendida bilis. And when you have done, the whole
Audience, far from being offended, shall return you Thanks, as a Deliverer of
precious and useful Truths. Nay further; It is but to venture your Lungs, and you
may Preach in Covent-Garden against Foppery and For nication, and
something else: Against Pride, and Dissimulation, and Bribery, at
White-Hall: You may expose Rapine and Injustice in the Inns of
Court Chap- pel
29 pel: And in a City Pulpit be as fierce as you please,
against Avarice, Hypocrisy and Extortion. 'Tis but a Ball bandied to and fro,
and every Man carries a Racket about Him to strike it from himself among the
rest of the Company. But on the other side, whoever should mistake the Nature of
things so far, as to drop but a single Hint in publick, How such a one
starved half the Fleet, and half poyson'd the rest: How such a one from a
true Principle of Love and Honor, pays no Debts but for Wenches
and Play: How such a one has got a Clap, and runs out of his Estate:
How Paris bribed by Juno and Venus, loath to offend either
Party, slept out the whole Cause on the Bench: Or, how such an Orator makes
long Speeches in the Senate, with much Thought, little Sense, and to no Purpose.
Whoever, I say, should venture to be thus particular, must expect to be imprisoned
for Scandalum Magnatum; to have Challenges sent him; to be sued for
Defamation; and to be brought before the Bar of the House.
But
30
But, I forget that I am expatiating on a Subject, wherein I have no Concern,
having neither a Talent nor an Inclination for Satyr; On the other side, I am so
entirely satisfied with the whole present Procedure of human Things, that I have
been for some Years preparing Materials towards A Panegyrick upon the World;
to which I intended to add a Second Part, entitled, A Modest Defence of the
Proceedings of the Rabble in all Ages. Both these I had Thoughts to publish
by way of Appendix to the following Treatise; but finding my Common-Place Book fill
much slower than I had reason to expect, I have chosen to defer them to another
Occasion. Besides, I have been unhappily prevented in that Design, by a certain
Domestick Misfortune, in the Particulars whereof, tho' it would be very seasonable,
and much in the Modern way, to inform the gentle Reader, and would
also be of great Assistance towards extending this Preface into the Size now in
Vogue, which by Rule ought to be large in Proportion as the subsequent Volume
is small; Yet I shall now
31 now dismiss our impatient Reader from any further Attendance at the
Porch; and having duly prepared his Mind by a preliminary Discourse,
shall gladly introduce Him to the sublime Mysteries that ensue.
A
33
A TALE OF A TUB, &c.
SECT. I. The INTRODUCTION.
WHOEVER hath an Ambition to be heard in a Crowd, must press, and squeeze,
and thrust, and climb with indefatigable Pains, till be has exalted himself to a
certain Degree of Altitude above them. Now, in all Assemblies, tho' you wedge them
ever so close, we may observe this peculiar Property; that, over their Heads there
is Room enough; but how to reach it, is the difficult cult
34 Point; It being as hard to get quit of Number as of
Hell;
-Evadere ad auras, Hoc opus, hic labor est.-
To this End, the Philosopher's Way in all Ages, has been by erecting certain
Edifices in the Air: But, whatever Practice and Reputation these kind of
Structures have formerly possessed, or may still continue in; not excepting even
that of Secretes, when he suspended in a Basket to help Comtemplation; I
think, with due Submission, they seem to labor under two Inconveniences. First, that
the Foundations being laid too high, they have been often out of Sight, and
ever out of Hearing. Secondly, that the Materials being very transitory, have
suffered much from Inclemences of Air, especially in these North-West Regions.
Therefore, towards the just Performance of this great Work, there remain but
three Methods that I can think on; Whereof the Wisdom of our Ancestors being highly
sensible, has, to encourage all aspiring Adventures, thought fit to e rect
35 rect three wooden Machines, for the Use of those Orators who desire
to talk much without Interruption. These are, the Pulpit, the Ladder,
and the Stage-Itinerant. For, as to the Bar, tho' it be compounded of
the same Matter, and designed for the same Use, it cannot however be well allowed
the Honor of a fourth, by reason of its level or inferior Situation, exposing it to
perpetual Interruption from Collaterals. Neither can the Bench it self, tho'
raised to a proper Eminency, put in a better Claim, whatever its Advocates insist
on. For if they please to look into the original Design of its Erection, and the
Circumstances or Adjuncts subservient to that Design, they will soon acknowledge the
present Practice exactly correspondent to the Primitive Institution, and both to
answer the Etymology of the Name, which in the Phanician Tongue is a Word of
great Signification, importing, if literally interpreted, The Place of Sleep;
but in common Acceptation. A Seat well bolster'd and cushion'd, for the Repose of
old and gouty Limbs: Senes ut in otia tuta recedant. Fortune being indebted
to them this Part of Retaliation, that, as formerly, they have long Talkt,
whilst others Slept, Slept
D 2
36
Slept, so now they may Sleep as long whilst others Talk.
But if no other Argument could occur to exclude the Bench and the
Bar from the List of Oratorical Machines, it were sufficient, that the
Admission of them would overthrow a Number which I was resolved to establish
whatever Argument it might cost me; In imitation of that prudent Method observed by
many other Philosophers and great Clerks, whose chief Art in Division has been, to
grow fond of some proper mystical Number, which their Imaginations have rendered
Sacred, to a Degree, that they force common Reason to find room for it in every part
of Nature; reducing, including, and adjusting every Genus and Species
within that Compass, by coupling some against their Wills, and banishing others at
any Rate. Now, among all the rest, the profound Number THREE is that which
hath most employ'd my sublimest Speculations, nor ever without wonderful Delight.
There is now in the Press, (and will be publish'd next Term) a Panegyrical Essay of
mine upon this Number, wherein I have by most convincing Prooss, not only reduced
the Senses and the Ele-
ment
37
ments under its Banner, but brought over several Deserters from its two great
Rivals SEVEN and NINE.
Now, the first of these Oratorial Machines in Place as well as Dignity, is the
Pulpit. Of Pulpits there are in this Island several sorts; but I
esteem only That made of Timber from the Sylva Caledonia, which agrees very
well with our Climate. If it be upon its Decay, 'tis the better, both for Conveyance
of Sound, and for other Reasons to be mentioned by and by. The Degree of Perfection
in Shape and Size, I take to consist, in being extremely narrow, with little
Ornament, and best of all without a Cover; (for by ancient Rule, it ought to be the
only uncover'd Vessel in every Assembly where it is rightfully used) by which
means, from its near Resemblance to a Pillory, it will ever have a mighty Influence
on human Ears.
Of
Ladders I need say nothing: "Tis observed by Foreigners themselves, to the
Honor of our Country, that we excel all Nations in our Practice and Understanding of
this Machine. The ascending Orators do not only oblige their Audience in
D3
38 in the agreeable Delivery, but the whole World in their
early Publication of their Speeches; which I look upon as the choicest
Treasury of our British Eloquence, and whereof I am informed, that worthy Citizen
and Bookseller, Mr. John Dunton, hath made a faithful and a painful
Collection, which he shortly designs to publish in Twelve Volumes in Folio,
illustrated with Copper-Plates. A Work highly useful and curious, and altogether
worthy of such a Hand.
The last Engine of Orators, is the Stage-itinerant, erected with much
Sagacity, sub Jove pluvio, in triviis & quadriviis. It is the great
Seminary of the two former, and its Orators are sometimes preferred to the One, and
sometimes to the Other, in proportion to their Deserving, there being a strict and
perpetual Intercourse between all three.
From this accurate Deduction it is manifest that for obtaining Attention in
Publick, there is of necessity required a superior Position of Place. But,
altho' this Point be generally granted, yet the Cause is little agreed in; and it
seems to me, that
39 that very few Philosophers have fallen into a true, natural
Solution of this Ph#x153;nomenon. The deepest Account, and the most
fairly digested of any I have yet met with, is this, That Air being a heavy Body,
and therefore (according to the System of ** Lucret Lib.
2.
Epicurus)continually descending, must needs be more so, when
loaden and press'd down by Words; which are also Bodies of much Weight and Gravity,
as it is manifest from those deep Impressions they make and leave upon us;
and therefore must be delivered from a due Altitude, or else they will neither carry
a good Aim, nor fall down with a sufficient Force.
Corporcam quoque enim vocem
constare fatendum est, Et sonitum, quoniam possunt impellere Sensus.
Luct. Lib. 4.
And I am the readier to favour this Conjecture, from a common Observation;
that in the several Assemblies of these Orators, Nature it self hath instructed the
Hearers, to stand with their Mouths open, and erected parallel to the Horizon, so as
they may be intersected by a perpendi- cular
D4
40 cular Line from the Zenith to the Center of the Earth. In which
Position, if the Audience be well compact, every one carries home a Share, and
little or nothing is lost.
I confess, there is something yet more refined in the Contrivance and Structure of
our Modern Theatres. For, First; the Pit is sunk below the Stage with due Regard to
the Institution above deduced; that whatever weighty Matter shall be
delivered thence (whether it be Lead or Gold) may fall plum into the
Jaws of certain Criticks (as I think they are called) which stand ready open
to devour them. Then, the Boxes are built round, and raised to a Level with the
Scene, in deference to the Ladies, because, That large Portion of Wit laid out in
raising Pruriences and Protuberencies, is observed to run much upon a Line, and ever
in a Circle. The whining Passions, and little starved Conceits, are gently wasted up
by their own extreme Levity, to the middle Region, and there fix and are frozen by
the frigid Understandings of the Inhabitants. Bombast and Buffoonry, by Nature losty
and light, soar highest of all, and would be lost in the Roof, if the pru-
dent
41 dent Architect had not with much Foresight contrived for them a
fourth Place, called the Twelve-Peny Gallery, and there planted a suitable
Colony, who greedily intercept them in their Passage.
Now this Physico-logical Scheme of Oratorial Receptacles or Machines, contains a
great Mystery, being a Type, a Sign, an Emblem, a Shadow, a Symbol, bearing Analogy
to the spatious Commonwealth of Writers, and to those Methods by which they must
exalt themselves to a certain Eminency above the inferior World. By the
Pulpit are adumbrated the Writings of our Modern Saints in
Great Britain, as they have spiritualized and refined them from the Dross
and Grossness of Sense and Human Reason. The Matter, as we have said,
is of rotten Wood, and that upon two Considerations; Because it is the Quality of
rotten Wood to give Light in the Dark: And secondly, Because its Cavities are
full of Worms: Which is a Type with a Pair of Handles, having a Respect to the two
principal Qualifications of the Orator, and the two different Fates attending upon
his Works.
The
42
The
Ladder is an adequate Symbol of Faction and of Poetry, to both
of which so noble a Number of Authors are indebted for their Fame. Of
Faction, because ****************************** Hiatus in MS.Of
Poetry, because its Orators do perorare with a Song; and because
climbing up by slow Degrees, Fate is sure to turn them off before they can reach
within many Steps of the Top: And because it is a Preferment attained by
transferring of Propriety, and a confounding of Meum and Tuum.
Under the Stage-itinerant are couched those Productions designed for
the Pleasure and Delight of Mortal Man; such as. Six-peny-worth of
Wit,Westminster Drolleries, Delightful Tales, Compleat Jesters, and the
like; by which the Writers of and for GRUB-STREET, have in these later Ages
so nobly triumpht over Time; have clipt his Wings, pared his Nails, filed his
Teeth, turned back his Hour-Glass, blunted his Scythe, and drawn the Hob-Nails
out
43 out of his Shoes. It is under this Classis, I have presumed to list
my present Treatise, being just come from having the Honor conferred upon me, to be
adopted a Member of that illustrious Fraternity.
Now, I am not unaware, how the Productions of the Grub-Street Brotherhood,
have of late Years fallen under many Prejudices; nor how it has been the perpetual
Employment of two Janior start-up Societies, to ridicule them and their
Authors, as unworthy their established Post in the Commonwealth of Wit and Learning.
Their own Consciences will easily inform them, whom I mean; Nor has the World been
so negligent a Looker on, as not to observe the continual Efforts made by the
Societies of Gresham and of Wills, to edify a Name and Reputation upon
the Ruin of Ours. And this is yet a more feeling Grief to Us upon the
Regards of Tenderness as well as of Justice, when we reflect on their Proceedings,
not only as unjust, but as ungrateful, undutiful, and unnatural. For, how can it be
forgot by the World or themselves, (to say nothing of our own Records, which are
full
44 full and clear in the Point) that they both are Seminaries, not
only of our Planting, but our Watring too? I am informed. Our two
Rivals have lately made an Offer to enter into the Lilts with united
Forces and challenge Us to a Comparison of Books, both as to Weight and
Number In Return to which, (with License from our President) I
humbly offer two Answers: First, We say, the Proposal is like that which
Archimedes made upon a ** Viz. About moving the Earth.
smaller Affair, including an Impossibility in the Practice; For, where can
they find Scales of Capacity enough for the first or an Arithmetician of
Capacity enought for the second. Secondly, We are ready to accept the
Challenge, but with this Condition, that a third indifferent Person be assigned, to
whose impartial Judgment shall be left to decide, which Society each Book, Treatise
or Pamphlet do most properly belong to. This Point, God knows is very far from being
fixed at present. For, We are ready to produce a Catalogue of some Thousands, which
in all common Justice ought to be entitled to Our Fraternity, but by the revolted
and new-fangled Writers, most perfidiously ascribed to the
45 the other. Upon all which, we think it very unbecoming our
Prudence, that the Determination should be remitted to the Authors themselves; when
our Adversaries by Briguing and Caballing, have caused so universal a Defection from
us, that the greatest Part of our Society hath already deserted to them, and our
nearest Friends begin to stand aloof, as if they were half ashamed to own Us.
This is the utmost I am authorized to say upon so ungrateful and melancholy
a Subject; because We are extreme unwilling to inflame a Controversy, whose
Continuance may be so fatal to the Interests of Us All, desiring much rather that
Things be amicably composed, and We shall so far advance on our Side, as to be ready
to receive the two Prodigals with open Arms, whenever they shall think fit to
return from their Husks and their Harlots; which I think from the
** Virtuoso Experiments, and Modern Comedies
present Course of
their Studies they most properly may be said to be engaged in; and like an indulgent
Parent, continue to them our Affection and our Blessing.
But
46
But the greatest Maim given to that general Reception, which the Writings of
our Society have formerly received, next to the transitory State of all sublunary
Things, hath been a superficial Vein a mong many Readers of the present Age who will
by no means be persuaded to inspect beyond the Surface and the Rind of Things;
whereas, Wisdom is a Fox, who after long hunting, will at last cost
you the Pains to dig out: 'Tis a Cheese, which by how much the richer, has
the thicker, the homelier, and the courser Coat; and whereof to a judicious Palate,
the Maggots are the best. 'Tis a Sack-Posset, wherein the deeper you
go, you will find it the sweeter. Wisdom is a Hen, whose
Cackling we must value and consider, because it is attended with an
Egg; But then, lastly, 'tis a Nut, which unless you chuse with
Judgment, may cost you a Tooth, and pay you with nothing but a Worm. In
consequence of these momentous Truths, the Grubaan Sages have always chosen
to convey their Precepts and their Arts, shut up within the Vehicles of Types and
Fables, which having been perhaps more careful and curious in a dorning,
47 dorning, than was altogether necessary, it has fared with these
Vehicles after the usual Fate of Coaches over-finely painted and gilt; that the
transitory Gazers have so dazzled their Eyes, and fill'd their Imaginations with the
outward Lustre, as neither to regard or consider, the Person or the Parts of the
Owner within. A Misfortune we undergo with somewhat less Reluctancy, because it has
been common to us with Pythagoras, Æsop, Socrates, and other of our
Predecessors.
However, that neither the World nor our selves may any longer suffer by such
Misunderstandings, I have been prevailed on, after much Importunity from my Friends,
to travel in a compleat and laborious Dissertation upon the prime Productions of our
Society, which besides their beautiful Externals for the Gratification of
superficial Readers, have darkly and deeply couched under them, the most finished
and refined Systems of all Sciences and Arts; as I do not doubt to lay open by
Untwisting or Unwinding, and either to draw up by Exantlation, or display by
Incision.
This
48
This great Work was entred upon some Years ago, by one of our most eminent
Members: He began with the History of Reynard the Fox, but neither
lived to publish his Essay, not to proceed further in so useful an Attempt, which is
very much to be lamented, because the Discovery he made, and communicated with his
Friends, is now universally received; Nor, do I think, any of the Learned will
dispute, that famous Treatise to be a compleat Body of Civil Knowledge, and the
Revelation, or rather, the Apocalyps of all State Arcana.
But the Progress I have made is much greater, having already finished my Annotations
up on several Dozens; From some of which I shall impart a few Hints to the Canadian
Reader, as far as will be necessary to the Conclusion at which I aim.
The first Piece I have handsed is that of Tom Thumb, whose Author was
a Pythagorean Philosopher. This dark Treatise contains the whole Scheme of
the Metam psycosts, deducing the Progress of the Soul thro' all her Stages.
The
49
The next is Doctor Faustus, penn'd by Artephius, an Author
bone nota, and an Adeptus; He published it in the ** He lived
a thousand. nine hundred eighty fourth Year of his Age; this Writer
proceeds wholly by Reincrudation, or in the via bumida: And the
Marriage between Faustus and Hellen, does most conspicuously
dilucidate the fermenting of the Male and Female Dragon.
Whittington
and his Cat, is the Work of that Mysterious Rabbi, Jebuda Hannasi,
containing a Defence of the Guemara of the Jerusalem Misna, and its
just preference to that of Babylon, contrary to the vulgar Opinion.
The
Hind and Panther. This is the Master-piece of a famous Writer
#x2020;#x2020; Viz. in the year 1697.
now living, intended
for a compleat Abstract of sixteen thousand Schoolmen from Scotus to
Bellarmin.
Tommy Potts. Another Piece supposed by the same Hand, by way of Supplement to
the former.
The
50
The
Wise Men of Gotham, cum Appendice. This is a Treatise of immense
Erudition, being the great Original and Fountain of those Arguments, bandied about
both in France and England, for a just Defence of the Modern
Learning and Wit, against the Presumption, the Pride, and the Ignorance of the
Antients. This unknown Author hath so exhausted the Subject, that a
penetrating Reader will easily discover, whatever hath been written since upon that
Dispute, to be little more than Repetition. An Abstract of this Treatise hath been
lately published by a worthy Member of our Society.
These Notices may serve to give the Learned Reader an Idea, as well as a
Taste, of what the whole Work is likely to produce; wherein I have now altogether
circumscribed my Thoughts and my Studies; and if I can bring it to a Perfection
before I die, shall reckon I have well employ'd the poor Remains of an unfortunate
Life. This indeed is more than I can justly expect from a Quill worn to the Pith in
the Service of the State, in Pro's and Con's upon Popish Plots,
and Meal
Tubs,
51
Tubs, and Exclusion Bills, and Passive Obedience, and
Addresses of Lives and Fortunes; and Prerogative, and
Property, and Liberty of Conscience, and Letters to a
Friend: From an Understanding and a Conscience, thread-bare and ragged with
perpetual turning; From a Head broken in a hundred places, by the Malignants of the
opposite Factions; and from a Body spent with Poxes ill cured, by trusting to Bawds
and Surgeons, who, (as it afterwards appeared) were profess'd Enemies to Me and the
Government, and revenged their Party's Quarrel upon my Nose and Shins. Fourscore and
eleven Pamphlets have I writ under three Reigns, and for the Service of six and
thirty Factions. But finding the State has no further Occasion for Me and my Ink, I
retire willingly to draw it out into Speculations more becoming a Philosopher,
having to my unspeakable Comfort, passed a long Life, with a Conscience void of
Offence towards God and towards Man,
But to return. I am assured from the Reader's Candor, that the brief
Specimen I have given, will easily clear all the rest of our Society's Productions,
from an Asper- sion
52 sion grown, as it is manifest, out of Envy and Ignorance; That they
are of little farther Use or Value to Mankind, beyond the common Entertainments of
their Wit and their Style: For, these I am sure have never yet been disputed by our
keenest Adversaries: In both which, as well as the more profound and mystical Part,
I have throughout this Treatise closely followed the most applauded Originals. And
to render all compleat, I have with much Thought and Application of Mind, so
ordered, that the chief Title prefixed to it, (I mean, That under which I design it
shall pass in the common Conversations of Court and Town) is modelled exactly after
the Manner peculiar to Our Society.
I confess to have been somewhat liberal in the Business of ** The Title Page
in the Original was so ternm that it was not possible to recover several
Titles which the Author here speaks of.
Titles, having observed the
Humor of multiplying them, to bear great Vogue among certain Writers, whom I
exceedingly Reverence. And indeed, it seems not unreasonable, that Books, the
Children of the Brain, should have the Honor to be Christned with va- riety
53 riety of Names, as well as other Infants of Quality. Our famous
Dryden has ventured to proceed a Point farther, endeavouring to introduce
also a Multiplicity of **
God-fathers; which is an Improvement of
much more Advantage, upon a very obvious Account. 'Tis a Pity this admirable
Invention has not been better cultivated, so as to grow by this time into general
Imitation, when such an Authority serves it for a Precedent. Nor have my Endeavours
been wanting to second so useful an Example: But it seems, there is an unhappy
Expence usually annexed to the Calling of a God-father, which was clearly out of my
Head, as it is very reasonable to believe. Where the Pinch lay, I cannot certainly
affirm; but having employ'd a World of Thoughts and Pains, to split my Treatise into
forty Sections, and having entreated forty Lords of my Acquaintance, that they would
do me the Honor to stand, they all made it a Matter of Conscience, and sent me their
Excuses.
SECT.
E3
54
SECTION II.
ONCE upon a Time, there was Man who had three Sons by one Wife, and all at a
Birth, neither could the Mid-wife tell certainly which was the Eldest. Their Father
died white they were young, and upon his Death-Bed calling the Lads to him, spoke
thus.
Sons;
Because I have purchased my Estate, nor was born to any, I have long considered
of some good Legacies to bequent Tou; And at last, with much Care as well as
Expence, have provided each of you (here they are) a new Coat. Now, you
are to understand, that these Coats have two Virtue contained in them: One is,
that with good wearing, they will last you fresh and sound along as you live:
The other is, that they will grow in the same Proportion with you Bodies,
lengthning and widening of themselves, so as to be always fit. Here, let me see
them on you before I die. So, very well Pray Children, wear them clean, and
brust them often. You will find in my Will (here it is) full Instructions
in every Particular
concerning
55
concerning the Wearing and Management of your Coats; wherein you must be very
exact, to avoid the Penalties I have appointed for every Transgression or
Neglect, upon which your future Fortunes will entirely depend. I have also
commanded in my Will, that you should live together in one House like Brethren
and Friends, for then you will be sure to thrive, and not otherwise.
Here the Story says, this good Father died, and the three Sons went
altogether to seek their Fortunes.
I shall not trouble you with recounting, what Adventures they met for the first seven
Years, any further than by taking notice, that they carefully observed their
Father's Will, and kept their Coats in very good Order; That they travelled thro'
several Countries, encountred a reasonable Quantity of Gyants, and flew certain
Dragons.
Being now arrived at the proper Age for producing themselves, they came up
to Town, and fell in love with the Ladies, but especially three, who about that time
were in chief Reputation: The Dutchess
d'Argent,
E4
56
d' Argent, Madame de Grands Titres, and the Countess d' Orgueil. On
their first Appearance, our three Adventurers met with a very bad Reception; and
soon with great Sagacity guessing out the Reason, they quickly began to improve in
the good Qualities of the Town: They Writ, and Raillyed, and Rhymed, and Sung, and
Said, and said Nothing; They Drank, and Fought, and Whor'd, and Slept, and Swore,
and took Snust: They went to new Plays on the first Night, haunted the
Chocolate Houses, beat the Watch, lay on Bulks, and got Claps: They bilkt
Hackney-Coachmen, ran in Debt with Shop-keepers, and lay with their Wives: They
kill'd Bayliffs, kick'd Fidlers down Stairs, cat at Lockets, loyter'd at
Will's: They talk'd of the Drawing-Room and never came there, Dined with
Lords they never saw; Whisper'd a Dutchess, and spoke never a Word; exposed the
Scrawls of their Laundress for Billers-doux of Quality; came ever just from Court,
and were never seen in it; attended the Levee sub dio; Got a List of the
Peers by heart in one Company, and with great Familiarity retailed them in another.
Above all, they constantly attended those Committees
57 committees of Senators who are silent in the House, and loud
in the Coffee-House; where they nightly adjourn to chew the Cud of Politicks,
and are encompass'd with a Ring of Disciples, who lye in wait to catch up their
Droppings. The three Brothers had acquired fourty other Qualifications of the like
Stamp, too tedious to recount, and by consequence, were justly reckoned the most
accomplish'd Persons in Town: But all would not suffice, and the Ladies aforesaid
continued still insflexible: To clear up which Difficulty, I must with the Reader's
good Leave and Patience, have recourse to some Points of Weight, which the Authors
of that Age have not sufficiently illustrated.
For, about this Time it happened, a Sect arose, whose Tenents obtained and
spread very far, especially in the Grand Monde, and among every Body of good
Fashion. They worshipped a sort of Idol. who as their Doctrine delivered, did
daily create Men, by a kind of Manufactury Operation. This Idol they placed
in the highest Parts of the House, on an Altar erected about three Foot: He was
shewn in the Posture of a Persian Emperor, sitting
58 ting on a Superficies, with his Legs interwoven under him.
This God had a Goose for his Ensign; whence it is, that some Learned Men
pretend to deduce his Original from Jupiter Capitolinus. At his left Hand,
beneath the Altar, Hell seemed to open, and catch at the Animals the
Idol was creating; to prevent which, certain of his Priests hourly flung
in Pieces of the uninformed Mass, or Substance, and some times whole Limbs already
enlivened, which that horrid Gulph insatiably swallowed terrible to behold. The
Goose was also held a Subaltern Divinity, or Deus minorum gentium,
before whose Shrine was sacrificed that Creature, whose hourly Foot is Human Gore,
and who is in so great Renown abroad, for being the Delight and Favourite of the
Ægyptian Circopithec?? Millious of these Animals were cruelly
slaughtered every Day, to appease the Hunger of that consuming Deity. The chief
Idol was also worshipped as the Inventor of the Tard and the
Needle, whether as the God of Seamen, or on Account of certain other
mystical Attributes, hath not been sufficiently cleared.
Thi
59
The Worshippers of this Deity had also a System of their Belief, which
seemed to turn upon the following Fundamental. They held the Universe to be a large
Suit of Cloaths, which invests every Thing: That the Earth is
invested by the Air; The Air is invested by the Stars; and the
Stars are invested by the Primum Mobile. Look on this Globe of Earth,
you will find it to be a very compleat and fashionable Dress. What is that
which some call Land, but a fine Coat faced with Green? or the Sea, but a
Wastcoat of Water-Tabby? Proceed to the particular Works of the Creation, you will
find how curious Journey-man Nature hath been, to trim up the
vegetable Beaux: Observe how sparkish a Perewig adorns the Head of a
Beech, and what a fine Doublet of white Satin is worn by the
Birch. To conclude from all, What is Man himself but a Micro-Coat,
or rather a compleat Suit of Cloaths with all its Trimmings. As to his Body, there
can be no Dispute; but examine even the Acquirements of his Mind, you will find them
all contribute in their Order, towards furnishing out an exact Dress: To instance no
more; Is not Religion a Cloak, Honesty a Pair of Shoes.
worn
60 worn out in the Dirt, Self-love a Surtout, Vanity a
Shirt, and Conscience a Pair of Breeths, which tho' a Cover for
Lewdness as well as Nastiness, is easily slipt down for the Service of both.
These
Postulata being admitted, it will follow in due course of
Reasoning, that those Beings which the World call improperly Suits of
Cloaths, are in Reality the most refined Species of Animals, or to proceed
higher, that they are Rational Creatures, or Men. For, is it not manifest, that They
live, and move, and talk and perform all other Offices of Human Life? Are not
Beauty, and Wit, and Mien, and Breeding, their inseparable Proprieties? In short, we
see nothing but them, hear nothing but them. Is it not They who walk the Streets,
fill up Parliament-, Coffee-, Play-, Bawdy-houses. Tis true indeed, that
these Animals, which are vulgarly called Suits of Cloaths, or Dresses,
do according to certain Compositions receive different Appellations. If one of them
be trimm'd up with a Gold Chain, and a red Gown, and a white Rod, and a great Horse,
it is called a Lord Mayor; If certain Ermines and Furs be placed in a cer
tain
61 tain Position, we stile them a Judge, and so, an apt
Conjunction of Lawn and black Satin, we entitle a Bishop.
Others of these Professors, tho' agreeing in the main System, were yet more
refined upon certain Branches of it; and held, that Man was an Animal compounded of
two Dresses, the Natural and the Celestial Suit, which were the
Body and the Soul: That the Soul was the outward, and the Body the inward Cloathing;
that the latter was ex traduce; but the former, of daily Creation and
Circumfusion. This last they proved by Scripture, because, in Them we
Live, and Move, and have our Being; As likewise by Philosophy, because they
are All in All, and All in every Part. Besides, said they; Separate these
two, and you will find the Body to be only a senseless unsavory Carcass. By all
which it is manifest, that the outward Dress must needs be the Soul.
To this System of Religion were tagged several subaltern Doctrines, which were
entertained with great Vogue; as particularly, the Faculties of the Mind were
deduced by the Learned among them in
62 in this manner: Embroidery, was Sheer Wit; Gold
Fringe was agreeable Conversation, Gold Lace was Repartee, a
huge long Perewi? was Humor, and a Coat full of Powda was very
good Raillery: All which required abundance of Finesse and
Delicatess to manage with Advantage, as well as a strict Observance after
Times and Fashions.
I have with much Pains and Reading collected out of ancient Authors, this short
Summary of a Body of Philosophy and Divinity, which seems to have been composed by a
Vein and Race of Thinking very different from any other Systems either
Antient or Modern. And it was not merely to entertain or satisfy
the Reader's Curiosity, but rather to give him Light into several Circumstances of
the following Story: that knowing the State of Dispositions and Opinions in an Age
so remote, he may better comprehend those great Events which were the Issue of them.
I advise therefore the courteous Reader, to peruse with a world of Application,
again and again, whatever I have written upon this Matter. And so leaving these
broken Ends, I carefully ga ther
63 ther up the chief Thread of my Story, and proceed.
These Opinions therefore were so universal, as well as the Practices of
them, among the refined Part of Court and Town, that our three Brother Adventurers,
as their Circumstances then stood, were strangely at a loss. For, on the one side,
the three Ladies they address'd themselves to, (whom we have named already) were
ever at the very Top of the Fashion, and abhorred all that were below it, but the
breadth of a Hair. On the other side, their Father's Will was very precise, and it
was the main Precept in it, with the greatest Penalties annexed, not to add to, or
diminish from their Coats, one Thread, without a positive Command in the Will. Now,
the Coats their Father had left them, were, 'tis true, of very good Cloath, and
besides, so neatly sown, you would swear they were all of a Piece, but at the same
time, very plain, and with little or no Ornament; And it happened, that before they
were a Month in Town, great Shoulder-knots came up: Strait, all the World was
Shoulder-knots; no approaching the Ladies Ruelles without the
Quota
of
64 of Shoulder-knots: That Fellow, cries one, has no Soul;
where is his Shoulder-knot Our three Brethren soon discovered their Want by
sad Experience, meeting in their Walks, with forty Mortifications and Indignities.
If they went to the Play-house, the Door-keeper shewed them into the
Twelvepeny Gallery. If they called a Boat, says a Water-man, I am first
Sculler: If they stept to the Rose to take a Bottle, the Drawer would
cry, Friend we sell us Ale. If they went to visit a Lady, a Foot man met him
at the Door with, Pray send up your Message. In this unhappy Case, they went
immediately to consult their Father's Will, read it over and over, but not a Word of
the Shoulder-knot. What should they do? What Temper should they find.
Obedience was absolutely necessary, and yet Shoulder-knots appeared extremely
requisite. After much Thought, one of the Brothers who happened to be more
Book-learned than the other two, said, he had found an Expedient. 'Tis
true, said he, there is nothing here in this Will, totidem verbis,
making mention of Shoulder-knots, but I dare conjecture, we may find
them inclusive, or totidem syllabis. This Distinction was immediately
approved by all; and
65 and so they fell again to examine the Will. But their evil Star had
so directed the Matter, that the first Syllable was not to be found in the whole
Writing. Upon which Disappointment, he who found the former Evasion, took heart, and
said, Brothers, there is yet Hopes; for tho' me cannot find them totidem
verbis, nor totidem syllabis, I dare engage we shall make them out
terrio modo, or totidem literis. This Discovery was also highly commended,
upon which they fell once more to the Scrutiny, and soon pickt out S, H, O, U, L,
D, E, R; when the same Planet, Enemy to their Repose, had wonderfully
contrived, that a K was not to be found. Here was a weighty Difficulty! But
the distinguishing Brother (for whom we shall hereafter find a Name) now his Hand
was in, proved by a very good Argument, that K was a modern illegitimate
Letter, unknown to the Learned Ages, nor any where to be found in anteing
Manuscripts. 'Tis true, said he, the Word Calende hath in ** Luibusdam
veteribus cod.cibus.
Q.V.C. been sometimes writ with a
K, but erroneously, for in the best Copies it is ever spelt with a
C. And by consequence it was a gross Mistake in our
F
66 our Language to spell Knot with a K, but that from
henceforward, he would take care it should be writ with a C. Upon this, all
further Difficulty vanished; Shoulder-knots were made clearly out, to be
Jure Paterno, and our three Gentlemen swaggered with as large and as
slanting ones as the best.
But; as human Happiness is of a very short Duration, so in those Days were
human Fashions, upon which it entirely depends. Shoulder-knots had their
Time, and we must now imagine them in their Decline; for a certain Lord came just
from Paris, with fifty Yards of Gold Lace upon his Coat,
exactly trimm'd after the Court Fashion of that Month. In two Days all
Mankind appeared closed up in Bars of Gold Lace: Whoever durst peep abroad
without his Compliment of Gold Lace, was as scandalous as a -, and as ill
received among the Women. What should our three Knights do in this momentous Affair;
They had sufficiently strained a Point already, in the Affair of
Shoulderknots: Upon Recourse to the Will, nothing appeared there but
altum silentium. That of the Shoulder-knots was a loose, fly
ing,
67 ing, circumstantial Point; but this of Gold Lace, seemed too
considerable an Alteration without better Warrant; it did aliquo mode essentire
adbarere, and therefore requited a positive Precept. But about this Time it
fell out, that the learned Brother aforesaid, had read Aristotelis
Dialectical, and especially that wonderful Piece de Interpretations,
which has the Faculty of teaching its Readers to find out a Meaning in every Thing
but it self; like Commentators on the Revelations, who proceed Prophets
without understanding a Syllable of the Text Brothers, said he, Tou are to
be informed, that, of Wills, duo sunt genera, Nuncupatory and Striptory;
that in the Scriptory Will here before us, there is no Precept or Mention about
Gold Lace, conceditur; But, si idem affirmetur de nuncupatorio,
negatur. For, Brothers, if you remember, we heard a Fellow say when we were Boys,
that he heard my Father's Man say, that he heard my Father say, that he would
advise his Sons to get Gold Lace on their Coats, as soon as ever they
could procure Money to buy it. By G-that is very true, cries the other; I
remember it perfectly well, said the third. And so without more ado they got
the largest Gold
Lace
F 2
68
Lace in the Parish, and walkt about as fine as Lords.
A while after, there came up all in Fashion, a pretty sort of
flame-coloured Satin for Linings, and the Mercer brought a Pattern
of it immediately to our three Gentlemen. An please your Worships (said he)
My Lord C-, and Sir J. W. had Linings out of this very Piece last
Night, it takes wonderfully, and I shall not have a Remnant left, enough to make
my Wife a Pin-cushion by to morrow Morning at ten a Clock. Upon this they
fell again to romage the Will, because the present Case also required a positive
Precept, the Lining being held by Orthodox Writers to be of the Essence of the Coat.
After long search, they could fix upon nothing to the Matter in hand, except a short
Advice of their Father's in the Will, to take Care of Fire, and put out their
Candles before they went to Sleep. This, tho' a good deal for the
Purpose, and helping very far towards Self-Conviction, yet not seeming wholly of
Force to establish a Command; and being resolved to avoid farther Scruple, as well
as future Occasion for Scandal, says He that was the Scholar; I remember to
have
69
have read in Wills, of a Codicil annexed, which is indeed a Part of the Will and
what it contains bath equal Authority with the rest. Now, I have been
considering of this same Will here before us, and I cannot reckon it to be
compleat for want of such a Codicil. I will therefore fasten one in its proper
Place very dexterously; I have had it by me some Time, it was written by a
Dog-keeper of my Grand-father's, and talks a great deal (as good Luck would have
it) of this very flame-colour'd Sattin. The Project was immediately approved
by the other two; an old Parchment Scrowl was tagged on according to Art, in the
Form of a Codicil annexed, and the Sattin bought and worn.
Next Winter, a Player, hired for the Purpose by the Corporation of
Fringe-makers, acted his Part in a new Comedy, all covered with
Silver-Fringe, and according to the laudable Custom gave Rise to that
Fashion. Upon which, the Brothers consulting their Father's Will, to their great
Astonishment found these Words: Item, I charge and command my said three Sons, to
wear no Sort of Silver Fringe upon, or about their said Coats,
&c. with a Pe- nalry
F 3
70 nalty in case of Disobedience, too long here to insert. However,
after some Pause, the Brother so often mentioned for his Erudition, who was well
skill'd in Criticisms, had found in a certain Author, which he said should be
nameless, that the same Word which in the Will is called Fringe, does also
signify a Broom-stick, and doubtless ought to have the same Interpretation in
this Paragraph. This, another of the Brothers disliked, because of that Epithet,
Silver, which could not, he humbly conceived, in Propriety of Speech be
reasonably applied to a Broom-stick: But it was replied upon him, that this
Epithet was understood in a Mythological, and Allegorical Sense.
However, he objected again, why their Father should forbid them to wear a
Broom-stick on their Coats, a Caution that seemed unnatural and
impertinent; Upon which he was taken up short, as one that spoke irreverently of a
Mystery, which doubtless was very useful and significant, but ought not
to be over-curiously pryed into, or nicely reasoned upon. And in short, their
Father's Authority being now considerably sunk, this Expedient was allowed to serve
as a law- ful
71 ful Dispensation, for wearing their full Proportion of Silver
Fringe.
A while after, was revived an old Fashion, long antiquated, of Embroidery with
Indian Figures of Men, Women and Children. Here they had no Occasion to
examine the Will. They remembered but too well, how their Father had always abhorred
this Fashion; that he made several Paragraphs on purpose, importing his utter
Detestation of it, and bestowing his everlasting Curse to his Sons, whenever they
should wear it. For all this, in a few Days, they appeared higher in the Fashion
than any body else in Town. But they solved the Matter by saying, that these Figures
were not at all the same with those that were formerly worn, and were meant
in the Will: Besides, they did not wear them in that Sense, as forbidden by their
Father, but as they were a commendable Custom, and of great Use to the Publick. That
these rigorous Clauses in the Will did therefore require some Allowance, and
a favourable Interpretation, and ought to be understood cum grano Salis.
But
F 4
72
But, Fashions perpetually altering in that Age, the Scholastick Brother grew
weary of searching further Evasions, and solving everlasting Contradictions.
Resolved therefore at all Hazards to comply with the Modes of the World, they
concerted Matters together, and agreed unanimously, to lock up their Father's Will
in a Strong-Box, brought out of Greece or Italy, (I have forgot
which) and trouble themselves no further to examine it, but onely refer to its
Authority whenever they thought fit. In consequence whereof, a while after, it grew
a general Mode to wear an infinite Number of Points,most of them tagg'd
with Silver: Upon which the Scholar pronounced ex Cathedrâ,
that Points were absolutely Jure Paterno, as they might very well
remember. "Tis true indeed, the Fashion prescribed somewhat more than were directly
named in the Will; However, that they, as Heirs general of their Father, had Power
to make and add certain Clauses for publick Emolument, though not deduceable
totidem verbis from the Letter of the Will, or else, Multa absurda
sequerentur. This was understood for Canonical, and therefore on
the
73 the following Sunday they came to Church all covered with
Points.
The Learned Brother so often mentioned, was recknoed the best Scholar in all
that, or the next Street to it; insomuch, as having run something behind-hand with
the World, he obtained the Favour from a certain Lord, to receive him into
his House, and to treach his Children. A while after, the Lord died, and He
by long Practice upon his Father's Will, found the Way of contriving a Deed of
Conveyanceof that House to Himself and his Heirs: Upon which he took
Possession, turned the young Squires out, and received his Brothers in their
stead.
SECT.
74
SECT. III
A Digression concerning Criticks.ââ
Tho' I have been hitherto as cautions as I could, upon all Occasions, most
nicely to follow the Rules and Methods of Writting, laid down by the Example of our
illustrious Moderns; yet has the unhappy shortness of my Memory led me into
an Error, from which I must immediately extricate my self, before I can decently
pursue my principal Subject. I confess with Shame, it was an unpardonable Omission
to proceed so far as I have already done, before I had performed the due Discourses,
Expostulatory, Supplicatory, or Deprecatory with my good Lords the
Criticks. Towards some Attonement for this grievous Neglect, I do here
make humbly bold to present them with a short Account of Themselves and their
Art, by looking into the Original and Pedigree of the Word, as it is
generally understood among us, and very briefly considering the antient and present
State thereof.
By
75
By the Word, Critick, at this Day so frequent in all Conversations,
there have sometime been distinguished three very different Species of Mortal Men,
according as I have read in Antient Books and Pamphlets. For first, by this
Term were understood, such Persons as invented or drew up Rules for Themselves and
the World, by observing which, a careful Reader might be able to pronounce upon the
Productions of the Learned, form his Taste to a true Relish of the
Sublime and the Admirable, and divide every Beauty of Matter or of
Style from the Corruption that Apes it: In their common Perusal of Books, singling
out the Errors and Defects, the Nauseous, the Fulsom, the Dull, and the Impertinent,
with the Caution of a Man that walks thro' Edenborough Streets in a Morning,
who is indeed as careful as he can, to watch diligently, and spy out the Filth in
his Way, not that he is curious to observe the Colour and Complexion of the Ordure,
or take its Dimensions, much less to be padling in, or tasting it: but only with a
Design to come out as cleanly as he may. These Men seem, tho' very erroneously, to
have understood the Appellation
76 pellation of Critick in a literal Sense; That, one principal
Part of his Office was, to Praise and Acquit; and, that a Critick who sets up
to Read, only for an Occasion of Censure and Reproof, is a Creature as barbarous, as
a Judge, who should take up a Resolution to hang all Men that came
before Him upon a Tryal.
Again; by the Word, Critick, have been meant, the Restorer of Antient
Learning from the Worms, and Graves, and Dust of Manuscripts.
Now, the Races of these two have been for some Ages utterly extinct; and besides, to
Discourse any further of them, would not be at all to my Purpose.
The Third, and noblest Sort, is that of the TRUE CRITICK, whose
Original is the most Antient of all. Every True Critick is a Hero born,
descending in a direct Line from a Celestial Stem, by Momus and
Hybris, who begat Zoilus, who began Tigellius, who begat
Zoilus, who began Tigellius, who begat Etc&tera the
Elder, who begat B-t-ly, and Rym-r, and W-tt-n, and
Perrault, and Dennis, who begat Etc&tera the
Younger.
And
77
concerning Criticks.
And these are the Criticks, from whom the Commonwealth of Learning
has in all Ages received such immense Benefits, that the Gratitude of their Admirers
placed their Origine in Heaven, among those of Hercules, Theseus, Perseus,
and other great Deservers of Mankind. But Heroick Virtue it self hath not been
exempt from the Obloquy of evil Tongues. For it hath been objected, that those
Antient Heroes, famous for their Combating so many Giants, and Dragons, and Robbers,
were in their own Persons a greater Nuisance to Mankind, than any of those Monsters
they subdued; And therefore, to render their Obligations more Compleat, when all
other Vermin were destroy'd, should in Conscience have concluded with the
same Justice upon themselves: as Hercules most generously did, and hath upon
that Score, procured to himself more Temples and Votaries than the best of his
Fellows. For these Reasons, I suppose it is, why some have conceived, it would be
very expedient for the Publick Good of Learning, that every True Critick, as
soon as he had finished his Task assigned, should immediately deliver himself up to
Rats- bane
78 bane, or Hemp, or from some convenient Altitude, and that no
Man's Pretensions to so Illustrious a Character, should by any means be received,
before That Operation were performed.
Now, from this Heavenly Descent of Criticism, and the close Analogy it bean to
Heroick Virtue, 'tis easy to assign the proper Employment of a True,
Antient Genuin Critick; Which is, to travel thro' this vast World of
Writings; to pursue and hunt those Monstrous Faults bred within them: to drag out
the lurking Errors like Cacus from his Den; to multiply them like
Hydra's Heads; and rake them together like Augeas's Dung. O? else
to drive away a sort of dangerous Fowly who have a perverse Inclination, to
plunder the best Branches of the Tree of Knowledge, like those
Stymphalian Birds that can up the Fruit.
These Reasonings will furnish us with an adequate Definition of a True
Critick; that, He is a Discoverer and Collector of Writers Faults.
Which may be further put beyond Dispute by the following Demonstration: That whoever
will examine the
79 the Writings in all kinds, wherewith this antient Sect has honored
the World, shall immediately find from the whole Thread and Tenor of them, that the
Idea's of the Authors have been altogether conversant, and taken up with the Faults,
and Blemishes, and Oversights, and Mistakes of other Writers; and let the Subject
treated on be whatever it will, their Imaginations are so entirely possess'd and
replete with the Defects of other Pens, that the very Quintessence of what is bad,
does of necessity distil into their own: By which means the whole appears to be
nothing else, but an Abstract of the Criticisms themselves have made.
Having thus briefly considered the Original and Office of a Critick,
as the Word is understood in its most noble and universal Acceptation, I proceed to
refute the Objections of those who argue from the Silence and Pretermission of
Authors; by which they pretend to prove, that the very Art of Criticism, as
now exercised, and by me explained, is wholly Modern; and consequently, that
the Criticks of Great Britain and France, have no Title to an
Original so Antient and Illustrious as
80 as I have deduced. Now, if I can clearly make out on the contrary,
that the most antient Writers have particularly described, both the Person and the
Office of a True Critick, agreeable to the Definition laid down by me; their
grand Objection from the Silence of Authors will fall to the Ground.
I confess to have for a long time born a Part in this general Error; From which I
should never have acquitted my self, but thro' the Assistance of our Noble
Moderns, whose most edifying Volumes I turn indefatigably over Night and
Day, for the Improvement of my Mind, and the Good of my Country: These have with
unwearied Pains made many useful Searches into the weak Sides of the
Antients, and given us a comprehensive List of them. ** See
Wotton of Antient and Modern Learning.
Besides, they have proved
beyond Contradiction, that the very finest. Things delivered of old, have been long
since invented, and brought to Light by much later Pens, and that the noblest
Discoveries those Antients ever made of Art or of Nature, have all been
produced by the transcending Genius of the present Age
81 Age. Which clearly shews, how little Merit those Antients
can justly pretend to; and takes off that blind Admiration paid them by men in a
Corner, who have the Unhappiness of conversing too little with present
Things. Reflecting maturely upon all this, and taking in the whole Compass
of Human Nature, I easily concluded, that these Antients, highly sensible of
their many Imperfections, must needs have endeavoured from some Passages in their
Works, to obviate, soften, or divert the Censorious Reader, by Satyr, or
Panegyrick upon the True Criticks, in Imitation of their
Masters the Moderns. Now, in the Common Places of **
*Satyr, and Panegyrick upon Criticks.
both these, I was
plentifully instructed, by a long Course of useful Study in Prefaces and
Prologues; and therefore immediately resolved to try what I could
discover of either, by a diligent Perusal of the most Antient Writers, and
especially those who treated of the earliest Times. Here I found to my great
Surprise, that although they all entred, upon Occasion, into particular Descriptions
of the True Critick according as they were governed by their Fears or their
Hopes: yet whatever they touch of that kind, was with
G
82 with abundance of Caution, adventuring no farther than
Mythology and Hieroglyphick. This, I suppose, gave ground to
superficial Readers, for urging the Silence of Authors, against the Antiquity of the
True Critick; tho' the Types are so apposite, and the Applications
so necessary and natural, that it is not easy to conceive, how any Reader of a
Modern Eye and Taste could over-look them. I shall venture from a
great Number to produce a few, which I am very confident, will put this Question
beyond Dispute.
It well deserves considering, that these Antient Writers in treating
Enigmatically upon this Subject, have generally fixed upon the very same
Hieroglyph, varying only the Story according to their Affections or their
Wit. For first; Pausanias is of Opinion, that the Perfection of Writing
correct, was entirely owing to the Institution of Criticks; and, that he can
possibly mean no other than the True Critick, is, I think, manifest enough
from the following Description. He says, They were a Race of Men, who delighted
to nibble at the Superfluities, and Excrescencies of Books; which the
Learned at length observing, took warning
83 Warning of their own Accord, to lop the Luxuriant, the
Rotten, the Dead, the Sapless, and the Overgrown
Branches from their Works. But now, all this he cunningly shades under the
following Allegory; That the ** Lib.----
Nauplians in
Argia, learned the Art of pruning their Vines, by observing, that when an ASS
had browsed upon one of them, it thrived the better, and bore fairer
Fruit. But #x2020; #x2020; Lib. 4.
Herodotus
holding the very same Hieroglyph, speaks much plainer, and almost in
terminis. He hath been so bold to tax the True Criticks, of Ignorance
and Malice; telling us openly, for I think nothing can be plainer, that in the
Western Part of Libya, there were ASSES with HORNS: Upon which
Relation ** Vide excerta ex co apud Photium.
Ctesias yet
refines, mentioning the very same Animal about India; adding, That whereas
all other ASSES wanted a Gall, these horned ones were so redundant
in that Part, that their Flesh was not to be eaten, because of its extream
Bitterness.
Now, the Reason why those Antient Writers treated this Subject only by Types
and
G2
84 and Figures, was, because they durst not make open Attacks against
a Party so Potent and so Terrible, as the Criticks of those Ages were: whose
very Voice was so Dreadful, that a Legion of Authors would tremble, and drop their
Pens at the Sound; For so ** Lib. 4.
Herodotus tells us
expresly in another Place, how a vast Army of Scythians was put to flight
in a Panick Terror, by the Braying of an ASS. From hence it is conjectured
by certain profound Philologers, that the great Awe and Reverence paid to a
True Critick, by the Writers of Britain, have been derived to Us,
from those our Scythian Ancestors. In short, this Dread was so universal,
that in process of Time, those Authors who had a mind to publish their Sentiments
more freely, in describing the True Criticks of their several Ages, were
forced to leave off the use of the former Hieroglyph, as too nearly approaching the
Prototype, and invented other Terms instead thereof, that were more
cautious and mystical; so #x2020;#x2020; Lib.
Diodorus speaking to the same purpose, venturs no farther than to say, that
in the Mountains of Helicon there grows a certain Weed, which
bears a Flower of so damned a Scent, as to
poison
85
poison those who offer to smell it. Lucretius gives exactly the same
Relation.
Est etiam in magnis Heliconis montibus
arbos,
Floris odore hominem retro consueta necare. Lib. 6.
But
Ctesias, whom we lately quoted, hath been a great deal bolder; He had been
used with much severity by the True Criticks of his own Age, and therefore
could not forbear to leave behind him, at least one deep Mark of his Vengeance,
against the whole Tribe. His Meaning is so near the Surface, that I wonder how it
possibly came to be overlookt by those who deny the Antiquity of the True
Criticks. For pretending to make a Description of many strange Animals about
India, he hath set down these remarkable Words. Among the rest,
says he, there is a Serpent that wants Teeth, and consequently
cannot bite, but if its Vomit (to which it is much addicted) happens to
fall upon any Thing, a certain Rottenness or Corruption ensues: These
Serpents are generally found among the Mountains where Jewels grow, and
they frequently emit a poisonous Juice,
whereof
G 3
86
whereof, whoever drinks, that Person's Brains flies out of his
Nostrils.
There was also among the Antients a sort of Critick, not
distinguisht in specie from the Former, but in Growth or Degree, who seem to
have been only the Tyro's or junior Scholars; yet because of their
differing Employments, they are frequently mentioned as a Sect by themselves. The
usual exercise of these younger Students, was to attend constantly at Theatres, and
learn to spy out the worst Parts of the Play, whereof they were obliged
carefully to take Note, and render a rational Account, to their Tutors. Flesht at
these smaller Sports, like young Wolves, they grew up in Time, to be nimble and
strong enough for hunting down large Game. For it hath been observed both among
Antients and Moderns, that a True Critick hath one Quality in common with a
Whore and an Alderman, never to change his Title or his Nature;
that a Grey Critick has been certainly a green one, the Perfections
and Acquirements of his Age being only the improved Talents of his Youth; like
Hemp, which some Naturalists inform us, is bad for Suffocations,
tho' taken
87 taken but in the Seed. I esteem the invention, or at least
the Refinement of Prologues, to have been owing to these younger Proficients,
of whom Terence makes frequent and honourable mention, under the Name of
Malivoli.
Now, 'tis certain, the Institution of the True Criticks, was of absolute
Necessity to the Commonwealth of Learning. For all Human Actions seem to be divided
like Themistocles and his Company; One Man can Fiddle, and another can
make a small Town a great City; and he that cannot do either one or the
other, deserves to be kick'd out of the Creation The avoiding of which Penalty, has
doubtless given the first Birth to the Nation of Criticks, and withal, an
Occasion for their secret Detractors to report; that a True Critick is a sort
of Mechanick, set up with a Stock and Tools for his Trade, at as little Expence as a
Taylor; and that there is much Analogy between the Utensils and Abilities
of both: That the Taylor's Hell is the Type of a Critick's
Common-place-Book, and his Wit and Learning held forth by the
Goose: That it requires at least as many of these, to the making up
of
G 4
88 of one Scholar, as of the others to the Composition of a Man: That
the Valor of both is equal, and their Weapons near of a Size. Much may be
said in answer to these invidious Reflections; and I can positively affirm the first
to be a Falshood: For, on the contrary, nothing is more certain, than that it
requires greater Layings out, to be free of the Critick's Company, than of
any other you can name For, as to be a true Beggar, it will cost the richest
Candidate every Groat he is worth; so, before one can commence a True
Critick, it will cost a Man all the good Qualities of his Mind; which,
perhaps, for a less Purchase, would be thought but an indifferent Bargain.
Having thus amply proved the Antiquity of Criticism, and described
the Primitive State of it; I shall now examine the present Condition of this Empire,
and shew how well it agrees with its antient self. ** A Quotation after the
manner of a great Author. Vide Bently's Dissertation,&c.
A
certain Author whose Works have many Ages since been entirely lost, does in his
fifth Book and eighth Chapter, say of Criticks, that their Writings are
the Mirrors of
Learning.
89
Learning. This I understand in a literal Sense, and suppose our Author must
mean, that whoever designs to be a perfect Writer, must inspect into the Books of
Criticks, and correct his Invension there as in a Mirror. Now, whoever
considers, that the Mirrors of the Ancients were made of Brass, and
sine Mercuria, may presently apply the two principal Qualifications of a
True Modern Critick, and consequently, must needs conclude, that these
have always been, and must be for ever the same. For, Brass is an Emblem of
Duration, and when it is skilfully burnished, will east Reflections from its
own Superficies, without any Assistance of Mercury from behind. All
the other Talents of a Critick will not require a particular Mention, being
included, or easily deduceable to these. However, I shall conclude with three
Maxims, which may serve both as Characteristicks to distinguish a True Modern
Critick from a Pretender, and will be also of admirable Use to those worthy
Spirits, who engage in so useful and honorable an Art.
The
90
The first is, That Criticism, contrary to all other Faculties of the
Intellect, is ever held the truest and best, when it is the very first Result
of the Critick's Mind: As Fowlers reckon the first Aim for the surest, and
seldom fail of missing the Mark, if they stay for a Second.
Secondly; The True Criticks are known by their Talent of swarming
about the noblest Writers, to which they are carried meerly by Instinct, as a Rat to
the best Cheese, or a Wasp to the fairest Fruit. So, when the King is a
Horse-back, he is sure to be the dirtiest Person of the Company, and they
that make their Court best, are such as bespatter him most.
Lastly; A True Critick, in the Perusal of a Book, is like a
Dog at a Feast, whose Thoughts and Stomach are wholly set upon what the
Guests fling away, and consequently, is apt to Snarl most, when there
are the fewest Bones.
Thus
91
Thus much, I think, is sufficient to serve by way of Address to my Patrons,
the True Modern Criticks, and may very well atone for my past Silence, as
well as That which I am like to observe for the future. I hope, I have deserved so
well of their whole Body, as to meet with generous and tender Usage at their
Hands. Supported by which Expectation, I go on boldly to pursue those
Adventures already so happily begun.
SECT.
92
SECT. IV. A TALE of a TUB.
I
have now with much Pains and Study, conducted the Reader to a Period, where
he must expect to hear of great Revolutions. For no sooner had Our Learned
Brother, so often mentioned, got a warm House of his own over his Head, than
he began to look big and to take mightily upon him; insomuch, that unless the Gentle
Reader out of his great Candor, will please a little to exalt his Idea, I am afraid
he will henceforth hardly know the Hero of the Play, when he happens to meet
Him; his Part, his Dress, and his Mien being so much altered.
He told his Brothers, he would have them to know, that he was their Elder,
and consequently his Father's sole Heir; Nay, a while after, he would not allow them
to call Him, Brother, but Mr. PETER; And then he must be styled,
Father Peter; and sometimes, My Lord Peter. To support this
Grandeur, which he soon began to consider, could not be maintained with- out
93 out a Better Fonde than what he was born to; After much
Thought, he cast about at last, to turn Projector and Virtuoso;
wherein he so well succeeded, that many famous Discoveries, Projects, and Machines,
which bear great Vogue and Practice at present in the World, are owing entirely to
Lord Peter's Invention. I will deduce the best Account I have been able
to collect of the Chief amongst them, without considering much the Order they came
out in; because, I think, Authors are not well agreed as to that Point.
I hope, when this Treatise of mine shall be translated into Foreign Languages, (as I
may without Vanity affirm, That the Labor of collecting, the Faithfulness in
recounting, and the great Usefulness of the Matter to the Publics, will amply
deserve that Justice) that the worthy Members of the several Academics
abroad, especially those of France and Italy, will favorably accept
these humble Offers, for the Advancement of Universal Knowledge. I do also advertise
the most Reverend Fathers the EasternMissionaries, that I have purely for
their sakes, made use of such Words and Phrases, as will best ad- mit
94 mit an easy Turn into any of the Oriem Languages, especially
the Chinese. And so I proceed with great Content of Mind upon reflecting, how
much Emolument thing whole Globe of Earth is like to reap by my Labors.
The first Undertaking of Lord Peter was to purchase a large
Continent, lately said to have been discovered in Terra Australia incognito.
This Tract of Land had bought at a very great Penny-word from the Discoverers
themselves, (the some pretended to doubt whether they had ever been there) and then
retailed it into several Cantons to certain Dealers, who carried over Colonies, but
were all Ship wreck in the Voyage. Upon which, Lom Peter sold the said
Continent to other Customers again, and again, and again, and
again, with the same Success.
The second Project I shall mention was his Sovereign Remedy of the
Worm especially those in the Spleen. The Patient was to eat
nothing after Supper for three Nights: As soon as he went to Bed, he was carefully
to lye on one Side, and when he grew weary, to turn upon the other
95 other: He must also duly confine his two Eyes to the same Object;
and by no means break Wind at both Ends together, without manifest Occasion. These
Prescriptions diligently observed, the Worms would void insensibly by
Perspiration, ascending thro' the Brain.
A third Invention, was the erecting of a Whispering-Office, for the Public
Good and Ease of all such as were Hypocondriacal, or troubled with the Cholick; as
likewise of all Eves-droppers, Physicians, Midwives, small Politicians, Friends
fallen out, Repeating Poets; Lovers Happy or in Despair, Bawds, Privy-Counselors,
Pages, Parasites, and Bassoons; in short, of all such as are in Danger of bursting
with too much Wind. An Ass's Head was placed so conveniently, that the
Party affected might easily with his Mouth accost either of the Animal's Ears; which
he was to apply close for a certain Space, and by a sugestive Faculty, peculiar to
the Ears of that Animal, receive immediate Benefit, either by Eructation, or
Expiration, or Evomition.
Anc-
96
Another very beneficial Project of Lord Peter's, was an Office of
Ensurance, for Tobacco-Pipes, Martyrs of the Modern Zeal, Volumes of Poetry,
Shadows, - - - - - - - - and Rivers: That these, nor any of these shall receive
Damage by Fire. From whence our Friendly Societies may plainly find
themselves, to be only Transcribers from this Original: tho' the one and the other
have been of great Benefit to the Undertakers, as well as of equal to
the Publick.
Lord Peter was also held the Original Author of Puppets and
Raree-Shows; the great Usefulness whereof being so generally known, I
shall not enlarge further upon this Particular.
But, another Discovery for which he was much renowned, was his famous
universal Pickle. For having remarkt how your common Pickle in use
among Huswives, was of no further Benefit than to preserve dead Flesh, and certain
kinds of Vegetables: Peter, with great Cost as well as Art, had contrived a
Pickle proper for
97 for Houses, Gardens, Towns, Men, Women, Children, and Cattle;
wherein he could preserve them as Sound as Insects in Amber. Now, this Pickle
to the Taste, the Smell, and the Sight, appeared exactly the same, with what is in
common Service for Beef, and Butter, and Herrings, (and has been often that way
applied with great Success) but for its many Sovereign Virtues was quite a different
Thing. For Peter would put in a certain Quantity of his Powder Pimperlim
pimp, after which it never failed of Success. The Operation was performed by
Spargefaction in a proper Time of the Moon. The Patient who was to be
pickled, if it were a House, would infallibly be preserved from all
Spiders, Rats, and Weazels; If the Party affected were a Dog, he should be exempt
from Mange, and Madness, and Hunger. It also infallibly took away all Scabs and
Lice, and scall'd Heads from Children, never hindring the Patient from any Duty,
either at Bed or Board.
But of all Peter's Rarities, he most valued a certain Set of
Bulls, whose Race was by great Fortune preserved in a lineal Descent from
those that guarded the
Golden-Fleeces
H
98
Fleece. Tho' some who pretended to observe them curiously, doubted the Breed
had not been kept entirely chast; because they had degenerated from their Anceston
in some Qualities, and had acquired others very extraordinary, but a Forein Mixture.
The Bulls of Colchos are recorded to have brazen Feet: But
whether it happened by ill Pasture and Running, by an Allay from Intervention of
other Parents, from stolen Intrigues; Whether ?? Weakness in their Progenitors had
impaired the seminal Virtue; Or by a Decline necessary thro' a long Course of Time
the Originals of Nature being depraved is these latter sinful Ages of the World;
Whatever was the Cause, 'tis certain that Lord Peter's Bulls were extremely
vitiated by the Rust of Time in the Metal of their Feet, which was now sunk into
common Lead. However, the terrible roaring particuliar to their
Lineage, was preserved; a likewise that Faculty of breathing out Fire from
their Nostrils; which notwithstanding, many of their Detractors took to be a Feat of
Art, and to be nothing so terrible as it appeared; proceeding only from their usual
Course of Dyet, which was of Squibs and Crackers. However, they had
twp
99 two peculiar Marks which extreamly distinguished them from the
Bulls of Jason, and which I have not met together in the
Description of any other Monster, beside that in Horace;
Varias inducere plumas, and Atrum definit in piscem.
For, these
had Fishes Tails, yet upon Occasion, could out-fly any Bird in the
Air. Peter put these Bulls upon several Employs. Sometimes he would
set them a roaring to fright Naughty Boys, and make them quiet,
Sometimes he would send them out upon Errands of great Importance; where it is
wonderful to recount, and perhaps the cautious Reader may think much to believe it;
An Appetitus sensibilis, deriving it self thro' the whole Family, from their
Noble Ancestors, Guardians of the Golden-Fleece; they continued so extremely
fond of Gold, that if Peter sent them abroad, though it were only upon
a Compliment; they would Roar, and Spit, and Belch, and
Piss, and Fart, and Snivle out Fire, and keep a
perpetual
H2
100 petual Coyl, till you flung them a Bit of Gold; but then
Pulveris exigui jactu, they would grow calm and quiet as Lambs. In Short,
whether by secret Connivance, or Encouragement from their Master, or out of their
own liquorish Affection to Gold, or both; it is certain they were no better than a
sort of sturdy, swaggering Beggars; and where they could not prevail to get an Alms,
would make Women miscarry, and Children fall into Fits; who, to this very Day,
usually call Sprites and Hobgoblins by the Name of Bull-Beggart. They grew at
last so very troublesome to the Neighbourhood, that some Gentlemen of the
North-West, got a Parcel of right English Bull-Dogs, and baited
them so terribly, that they felt it ever after.
I must needs mention one more of Lord Peter's Projects, which was very
extraordinary, and discovered him to be Master of a high Reach, and profound
Invention. Whenever it happened that any Rogue of Newgate was condemned to be
hang'd, Peter would offer him a Pardon for a certain Sum of Money, which when
the poor Caitiff had made all Shifts to scrape up and send; His Lord.
ship
101
ship would return a Piece of Paper in this Form.
To all Mayors, Sheriffs, Jaylors, Constable, Bayliffs, Hangmen, &c.
Whereas we are informed that A.B. remains in the Hands of you, or any of you,
under the Sentence of Death. We will and command you upon Sight hereof, to let
the said Prisoner depart to his own Habitation, whether he stands condemned for
Murder, Sodomy, Rape, Sacrilege, Incest. Treason, Blasphemy, &c. for
which this shall be your sufficient Warrant: And if you fail hereof, G- d-mn Tou
and Tours to all Eternity. And so we bid you heartily Farewel.
Your most Humble Man's Man, Emperor Peter.
The Wretches trusting to this, lost their Lives and Money too. I
H3
102
I desire of those whom the Learned among Posterity will appoint for
Commentators upon this elaborate Treatise; that they will proceed with great Caution
upon certain dark Points, wherein all who are not Verè adepti, may
be in Danger to form rash and hasty Conclusions, especially in some mysterious
Paragraphs, when certain Arcana are joyned for Brevity sake, which in the
Operation must be divided. And, I am certain, that future Sons of Art, will return
large Thanks to my Memory, for so grateful, so useful an Innuendo.
It will be no difficult Part to persuade the Reader, that so many worthy
Discoveries met with great Success in the World; tho' I may justly assure him, that
I have related much the smallest Number. My Design having been only to single out
such, as will be of most Benefit for Publick Imitation, or which best served to give
some Idea of the Reach and Wit of the Inventor. And therefore it need not be
wondred, if by this Time, Lord Peter was become exceeding Rich. But alas, he
had kept his Brain so long, and so vio- lently
103 lently upon the Rack, that at last it shook it self, and
began to turn round for a little Ease. In short, what with Pride, Projects,
and Knavery, poor Peter was grown distracted, and conceived the strangest
Imaginations in the World. In the Height of his Fits (as it is usual with those who
run Mad out of Pride) He would call Himself God Almighty, and sometimes,
Monarch of the Universe. I have seen him, (says my Author) take three old
high crown'd Hats; and clap them all on his Head, three Story high, with
a huge Bunch of keys at his Girdle, and an Angling-Rod in his Hand. In
which Guise, whoever went to take him by the Hand in the Way of Salutation,
Peter with much Grace, like a well educated Spaniel, would present them
with his Foot, and if they refused his Civility, then he would raise it as
high as their Chops, and give them a damn'd Kick on the Mouth, which hath ever since
been call'd a Salute. Whoever walkt by, without paying him their Compliments,
having a wonderful strong Breath, he would blow their Hats off into the Dirt. Mean
time, his Affairs at home went upside down; and his two Brothers had a wretched
Time; Where his first Boxtade
was,
H4
104 was, to kick both their Wives one Morning out of Doors, and
his own too, and in their stead, gave Orders to pick up the first three Strolers
could be met with in the Streets. A while after, he nail'd up the Cellar Door, and
would not allow his Brothers a Drop of Drink to their Victuals. Dining one
Day at an Alderman's in the City, Peter observed him expatiating after the
manner of his Brethren, in the Praises of his Surloyn of Beef. Beef, said the
Sage Magistrate, is the King of Meat; Beef comp, chends in it the quintes sence
of Partridge, and quail, and Venison, and Pheasant, and Plum-pudding, and
Custard. When Peter came home, he would needs take the Fancy of
cooking up this Doctrine into use, and apply the Precept is defualt of a Sirloyn, to
his brown Loaf Bread, says he, Dear Brothers, is the Staff of Life; in
which Bread is contained inclusivè the quintessence of Beef,
Mutton, Veal, Venison, Partridge, Plum-pudding, and Custard: And to render all
compleat, there is intermingled a due quantity of Water, whose Crudities are
also corrected by Teast or Barm, thro' which means it becomes a wholsome
fermented Liquor, diffused thro' the Mass of the Bread. Upon the
Strength of these Con- clusions
105 clusions, next Day at Dinner was the brown Loaf served up in all
the Formality of a City Feast. Come Brothers, said Peter, fall to, and
spare not; here is excellent good Mutton; or hold, now my Hand is in, I'll help
you. At which word, in much Ceremony, with Fork and Knife, he carves out two
good Slices of the Loaf, and presents each on a Plate to his Brothers. The Elder of
the two, not suddenly entring into Lord Peter's Conceit, began with very
civil Language to examine the Mystery. My Lord, said he, I doubt, with
great Submission, there may be some Mistake. What, says Peter, you are
pleasant; Come then, let us hear this Jest, your Head is so big with. None in
the World, my Lord; but unless I am very much deceived, your Lordship was
pleased a while ago, to let fall a Word about Mutton, and I would be glad to see
it with all my Heart. How, said Peter, appearing in great Surprize,
I do not comprehend this at all- Upon which, the younger interposing, to
set the Business right; My Lord, said he, My Brother, I suppose, is
hungry, and longs for the Mutton, your Lordship hath promised us to Dinner.
Pray, said Peter, take me along with you, either you are both Mad, or
disposed to be merrier than I
approve
106
approve of; If Yoù there, do not like your Piece, I will carve
you another, tho' I should take that to be the choice Bit of the whole Shoulder.
What then, my Lord, replied the first, it seems this is a Shoulder of
Mutton all this while. Pray, Sir, says Peter, eat your Vittels and leave
off your Impertinence, if you please, for I am not disposed to relish it at
present: But the other could not forbear, being over provoked at the
affected Seriousness of Peter's Countenance. By G-, My Lord, said he,
I can only say, that to my Eyes, and Fingers, and Teeth, and Nose, it seems
to be nothing but a Crust of Bread. Upon which, the second put in his Word;
I never saw a Piece of Mutton in my Life, so nearly resembling a Slice from a
Twelve-peny Loaf. Look ye, Gentlemen, cries Peter in a Rage, to
convince you what a couple of blind, positive, ignorant, wilful Puppies you are,
I will use but this plain Argument; By G-, it is true, good, natural Mutton as
any in Leaden-Hall Market; and G- confound you both eternally, if you
offer to believe otherwise. Such a thundring Proof as this, left no further
Room for Objection: The two Unbelievers began to gather and pocket up their Mistake
as hastily as they could. Why, truly, said the
107 the first, upon more mature Consideration-Ay, says the
other, interrupting him, now I have thought better on the Thing, your Lordship
seems to have a great deal of Reason. Very well, said Peter. Here Boy,
fill me a Beer-Glass of Claret. Here's to you both with all my Heart. The
two Brethren much delighted to see him so readily appeas'd returned their most
humble Thanks, and said, they would be glad to pledge His Lordship. That you
shall, said Peter, I am not a Person to refuse you any Thing that is
reasonable; Wine moderately taken, is a Cordial; Here is a Glass a piece for
you; 'Tis true natural Juice from the Grape; none of your damn'd Vintner's
Brewings. Having spoke thus, he presented to each of them another large
dry Crust, bidding them drink it off, and not be bashful, for it would do them no
Hurt. The two Brothers, after having performed the usual Office in such delicate
Conjunctures, of staring a sufficient Period at Lord Peter, and each other;
and finding how Matters were like to go, resolved not to enter on a new Dispute, but
let him carry the Point as he pleased; for he was now got into one of his mad Fits,
and to Argue or Expostulate further, would only serve to
108 to render him a hundred times more untractable.
I have chosen to relate this worthy Matter in all its Circumstances, because it gave
a principal Occasion to that great and famous Rupture, which happened about
the same time among these Brethren, and was never afterwards made up. But, of That,
I shall treat at large in another Section.
However, it is certain, that Lord Peter, even in his lucid Intervals,
was very lewdly given in his common Conversation, extream wilful and positive, and
would at any time rather argue to the Death, than allow himself to be once in an
Error. Besides, he had an abominable Faculty of telling huge palpable Lies
upon all Occasions; and swearing, not only to the Truth, but cursing the whole
Company to Hell, if they prerended to make the least Scruple of believing Him. One
time, he swore, he had a Cow at home, which gave as much Milk at a Meal, as
would fill three thousand Churches; and what was yet more extraordinary, would never
turn Sower. Another time, he was telling of an old Sign-Post
that
109 that belonged to his Father, with Nails and Timber enough
on it, to build sixteen large Men of War. Talking one Day of Chinese Waggons,
which were made so light as to fail over Mountains: Z-nds, said Peter,
where's the Wonder of that? By G-, I saw a large House of Lime and Stone travel
over Sea and Land (granting that it stopt sometimes to bait) above two
thousand German Leagues. And that which was the good of it, he would
swear desperately all the while, that he never told a Lye in his Life; And at every
Word; By G-, Gentlemen, I tell you nothing but the Truth; And the D-I broil them
eternally that will not believe me.
In short, Peter grew so scandalous, that all the Neighbourhood began
in plain Words to say, he was no better than a Knave. And his two Brothers long
weary of his ill Usage, resolved at last to leave him; but first, they humbly
desired a Copy of their Father's Will, which had now lain by neglected, time
out of Mind. Instead of granting this Request, he called them damn'd Sons of
Whores, Rogues, Traytors, and the rest of the vile Names he could muster up.
However, while he was abroad
110 abroad one Day upon his Projects, the two Youngsters watcht their
Opportunity, made a Shift to come at the Will, and took a Copia vera,
by which they presently saw how grosly they had been abused: Their Father having
left them equal Heirs, and strictly commanded, that whatever they got, should lye in
common among them all. Pursuant to which, their next Enterprise was to break open
the Cellar-Door, and get a little good Drink to spirit and comfort their
Hearts. In copying the Will, they had met another Precept against Whoring,
Divorce, and separate Maintenance; Upon which, their next Work was to discard their
Concubines, and send for their Wives. Whilst all this was in agitation, there enters
a Solliciror from from Newgate, desiring Lord Peter would please to
procure a Pardon for a Thief that was to be hanged to morrow.
But the two Brothers told him, he was a Coxcomb to seek Pardons from a Fellow, who
deserv'd to be hang'd much better than his Client; and discovered all the Method of
that Imposture, in the same Form I delivered it a while ago, advising the Sollicitor
to put his Friend upon obtaining a Pardon from the King. In the
111 the midst of all this Clutter and Revolution, in comes
Peter with a File of Dragoons at his Heels, and gathering from all Hands
what was in the Wind, He and his Gang, after several Millions of Scurrilities and
Curses, not very important here to repeat, by main Force, very fairly kicks them
both out of Doors, and would never let them come under his Roof from that Day to
this.
SECT.
112
SECT. V. A Digression in the Modern Kind.
WE whom the World is pleased to honor with the Title of Modern
Authors, should never have been able to compass our great Design of an
everlasting Remembrance, and never dying Fame, if our Endeavours had not been so
highly serviceable to the general Good of Mankind. This, O Universe, is the
adventurous Attempt of me thy Secretary; -Quemvis perserre labovem Suadet,
& inducit nocies vigilare serenas.
To this End, I have some Time since, with a World of Pains and Art, dissected the
Carcass of Human Nature, and read many useful Lectures upon the several
Parts, both Containing and Contained; till at last it smelt so
strong, I could preserve it no longer. Upon which, I have been at a great Expence to
sit up all the Bones with exact Contexture, and in due Symmetry;
113 Symmetry; so that I am ready to shew a very compleat Anatomy
thereof to all curious Gentlemen and Others. But not to Digress further in
the midst of a Digression, as I have known some Authors inclose Digressions in one
another, like a Nest of Boxes; I do affirm, that having carefully cut up Human
Nature, I have found a very strange, new, and important Discovery; That the
Publick Good of Mankind is performed by two Ways, Instruction, and
Diversion. And I have further proved in my said several Readings, (which,
perhaps, the World may one Day see, if I can prevail on any Friend to steal a Copy,
or on certain Gentlmen of my Admirers, to be very Importunate) that, as Mankind is
now disposed, he receives much greater Advantage by being Diverted than
Instructed; His Epidemical Diseases being Fastiodisity, Amorphy,
and Oscitation; whereas in the present universal Empire of Wit and Learning,
there seems but little Matter left for Instruction. However, in Compliance
with a Lesson of great Age and Authority, I have attempted carrying the Point in all
its Heights; and accordingly throughout this Divine Treatise, have skilfully kneaded
up
I
114 up both together, with a Layer of Utile, and a
Layer of Dulce.
When I consider how exceedingly our Illustrious Moderns have eclipsed
the weak glimmering Lights of the Antients, and turned them out of the Road
of all fashionable Commerce, to a degree, that our choice Town Wits of most refined
Accomplishments, are in grave Dispute, whether there have been ever any
Antients or no: In which Point we are like to receive wonderful
Satisfaction from the most useful Labours and Lucubrations of that Worthy
Modern, Dr. B-tly. I say, when I consider all this, I cannot but
bewail, that no famous Modern hath ever yet attempted an universal System in
a small portable Volume, of all Things that are to be Known, or Believed, or
Imagined, or Practised in Life. I am, however, forced to acknowledge, that such an
Enterprise was thought on some Time ago by a great Philosopher of O-Brazile.
The Method he proposed, was by a certain curious Receipt, a Nostrum, which
after his untimely Death, I found among his Papers; and do here out of my great
Affection to the Modern Learned, present them with it, not doubt- ing
115 ing, it may one Day encourage some worthy Undertaker.
You take fair correct Copies, well bound in Calf's Skin, and Lettered at the Back,
of all Modern Bodies of Arts and Sciences whatsoever, and in what Language you
please. These you distil in balneo Mariæ, infusing
Quintessence of Poppy Q.S. together with three Pints of Lethe, to be had
from the Apothecaries. You cleanse away carefully the Sordes and
Caput mortuum, letting all that is volatile evaporate. You preserve onely the
first Running, which is again to be distilled seventeen times, till what remains
will amount to about two Drams. This you keep in a Glass Viol Hermetically
sealed, for one and twenty Days. Then you begin your Catholick Treatise,
taking every Morning fasting, (first shaking the Viol) three Drops of this
Elixir, snuffing it strongly up your Nose. It will dilate it self about the Brain
(where there is any) in fourteen Minutes; and you immediately perceive in your
Head an infinite Number of Abstracts, Summaries, Compendiums, Extracts,
Collections, Medulla's, Excerpta quÆdam's, Florilega's, and the
like, all disposed into great Order, and reduceable upon Paper. I
I2
116
I must needs own, it was by the Assistance of this Arcanum, that I, tho'
otherwise impar, have adventured upon so daring an Attempt; never atchieved
or undertaken before, but by a certain Author called Homer, in whom, tho'
otherwise a Person not without some Abilities, and for an Ancient, of a
tolerable Genius; I have discovered many gross Errors, which are not to be forgiven
his very Ashes, if by chance any of them are left. For whereas, we are assured, he
design'd his Work for a ** Homerus omnes res humanas Poematis complextis
eft. Xenoph. in Conviv. compleat Body of all Knowledge Human,
Divine, Political, and Mechanick; it is manisest, he hath wholly neglected some, and
been very imperfect in the rest. For, first of all, as eminent a Cabalist as
his Disciples would represent Him, his Account of the Opus magnum is
extreamly poor and deficient; he seems to have read but very superficially, either
Sendivogus, Behman, or Anthroposophia Theomagica. He is also quite
mistaken about the Sphara Pyroplastica, a neglect not to be atoned for; and
(if the Reader will admit so severe a Censure) Vix crederem Autorem
buns,
117
bunc, unquam audivisse ignis vocem. His Failings are not less prominent in
several Parts of the Mechanicks. For, having read his Writings with the
utmost Application usual among Modern Wits, I could never yet discover the
least Direction about the Structure of that useful Instrument, a Save-all.
For want of which, if the Moderns had not lent their Assistance, we might yet
have wandered in the Dark. But I have still behind, a Fault far more
notorious to tax this Author with; I mean, his gross Ignorance in the Common Laws
of this Realm, and in the Doctrine as well as Discipline of the Church of
England. A Defect indeed, for which both he and all the Antients stand
most justly censured by my worthy and ingenious Friend Mr. W--tt--n,
Batchellor of Divinity, in his incomparable Treatise of Antient and Modern
Learning; A Book never to be sufficiently valued, whether we consider the
happy Turns and Flowings of the Author's Wit, the great Usefulness of his sublime
Discoveries upon the Subject of Flies and Spittle, or the laborious
Eloquence of his Stile. And I cannot forbear doing that Author the Justice of my
publick Acknowledgments, for the great Helps and Listings I had
I3
118 had out of his incomparable Piece, while I was penning this
Treatise.
But, besides these Omissions in Homer already mentioned, the curious
Reader will also observe several Defects in that Author's Writings, for which he is
not altogether so accountable. For whereas every Branch of Knowledge has received
such wonderful Acquirements since his Age, especially within these last three Years,
or thereabouts; it is almost impossible, he could be so very perfect in Modern
Discoveries, as his Advocates pretend. We freely acknowledge Him to be the Inventor
of the Compass, of Gun-powder, and the Circulation of the
Blood: But, I challenge any of his Admirers to shew me in all his Writings,
a compleat Account of the Spleen; Does he not also leave us wholly to seek in
the Art of Political Wagering? What can be more defective and unsatisfactory
than his long Dissertation upon Tea? And as to his Method of Salivation
without Mercury, so much celebrated of late, it is to my own Knowledge and
Experience, a Thing very little to be relied on.
It
119
It was to supply such momentous Defects, that I have been prevailed on after
long Sollicitation, to take Pen in Hand; and I dare venture to Promise, the
Judicious Reader shall find nothing neglected here, that can be of Use upon any
Emergency of Life. I am confident to have included and exhausted all that Human
Imagination can Rise or Fall to. Particularly, I recommend to the
Perusal of the Learned, certain Discoveries that are wholly untoucht by others;
whereof I shall only mention among a great many more; My New Help of
Smatterers, or the Art of being Deep learned, and Shallow read. A curious
Invention about Mouse-Traps. An Universal Rule of Reason, or Every Man his own
Carver; Together with a most useful Engine for catching of Owls. All
which the judicious Reader will find largely treated on, in the several parts of
this Discourse.
I hold my self obliged to give as much Light as is possible, into the Beauties and
Excellencies of what I am writing, because it is become the Fashion and Humore most
applauded among the first Au- thors
I4
120 thors of this Polite and Learned Age, when they would correct the
ill Nature of Critical, or inform the Ignorance of Courteous Readers. Besides, there
have been several famous Pieces lately published both in Verse and Profe; wherein,
if the Writers had not been pleased, out of their great Humanity and Affection to
the Publick, to give us a nice Detail of the Sublime, and the
Admirable they contain; it is a thousand to one, whether We should ever
have discovered one Grain of either. For my own particular, I cannot deny, that
whatever I have said upon this Occasion, had been more proper in a Preface, and more
agreeable to the Mode, which usually directs it there. But I here think fit to lay
hold on that great and honorable Privilege of being the Last Writer; I claim
an absolute Authority in Right, as the freshest Modern, which gives me a
Despotick Power over all Authors before me. In the Strength of which Title, I do
utterly disapprove and declare against that pernicious Custom, of making the Preface
a Bill of Fare to the Book. For I have always lookt upon it as a high Point of
Indiscretion in Monster-mongers and other Retailers of strange Sights;
to hang out
121 out a fair large Picture over the Door, drawn after the Life, with
a most eloquent Description underneath: This hath saved me many a Threepence, for my
Curiosity was fully satisfied, and I never offered to go in, tho' often invited by
the urging and attending Orator, with his last moving and standing
Piece of Rhetorick; Sir, Upon my Word, we are just going to begin. Such is
exactly the Fate, at this Time, of Prefaces, Epistles, Advertisements,
Introductions, Prolegomena's, Apparatus's To-the-Readers's. This Expedient
was admirable at first; Our Great Dryden has long carried it as far as it
would go, and with incredible Success. He has often said to me in Confidence, that
the World would have never suspected him to be so great a Poet, if he had not
assured them so frequently in his Prefaces, that it was impossible they could either
doubt or forget it. Perhaps it may be so; However, I much fear, his Instructions
have edify'd out of their Place, and taught Men to grow Wiser in certain Points,
where he never intended they should: For it is lamentable to behold, with what a
lazy Scorn, many of the yawning Readers in our Age, do now a-days twirl over forty
or fifty Pages
122 Pages of Preface and Dedication, (which is the usual
Modern Stint) as if it were so much Latin. Tho' it must be also
allowed on the other Hand, that a very considerable Number is known to proceed
Criticks and Wits, by reading nothing else. Into which two
Factions, I think, all present Readers may justly be divided. Now, for my self, I
profess to be of the former Sort; and therefore having the Modern Inclination
to expatiate upon the Beauty of my own Productions, and display the bright Parts of
my Discourse; I thought best to do it in the Body of the Work, where, as it now
lies, it makes a very considerable Addition to the Bulk of the Volume, a
Circumstance by no means to be neglected by a skilful Writer.
Having thus paid my due Deference and Acknowledgment to an established
Custom of our newest Authors, by a long Digression unsought for, and an
universal Censure unprovoked; By forcing into the Light, with much Pains and
Dexterity, my own Excellencies and other Mens Defaults, with great Justice to my
self, and Candor to them; I now happily resume my Subject, to the infinite
Satisfaction both of the Reader and the Author.
SECT.
123
SECT. VI. A TALE of a TUB.
WE left Lord Peter in open Rupture with his two Brethren; both for
ever discarded from his House, and resigned to the wide World, with little or
nothing to trust to. Which are Circumstances that render them proper Subjects for
the Charity of a Writer's Pen to work on; Scenes of Misery ever affording the
fairest Harvest for great Adventures. And in this, the World may perceive the
Difference between the Integrity of a generous Author, and that of a common Friend.
The latter is observed to adhere close in Prosperity, but on the Decline of Fortune,
to drop suddenly off. Whereas, the generous Author, just on the contrary, finds his
Hero on the Dunghil, from thence by gradual Steps, raises Him to a Throne, and then
immediately withdraws, expecting not so much as Thanks for his Pains: In imitation
of which Example, I have placed Lord Peter in a Noble House, given Him a
Title
124 Title to wear, and Money to spend. There I shall leave Him for
some Time; returning where common Charity directs me, to the Assistance of his two
Brothers, at their lowest Ebb. However, I shall by no means forget my Character of
an Historian, to follow the Truth step by step, whatever happens, or wherever it may
lead me.
The two Exiles so nearly united in Fortune and Interest, took a Lodging
together; Where, at their first Leisure, they began to reflect on the numberless
Misfortunes and Vexations of their Life past, and could not tell, of the sudden, to
what Failure in their Conduct they ought to impute them; When, after some
Recollection, they called to Mind the Copy of their Father's Will, which they
had so happily recovered. This was immediately produced, and a firm Resolution taken
between them, to alter whatever was already amiss, and reduce all their future
Measures to the strictest Obedience prescribed therein. The main Body of the
Will (as the Reader cannot easily have forgot) consisted in certain
admirable Rules about the wearing of their Coars; in
125 in the Perusal whereof, the two Brothers at every Period duely
comparing the Doctrine with the Practice, there was never seen a wider Difference
between two Things; horrible down-right Transgressions of every Point. Upon which,
they both resolved without further Delay, to fall immediately upon reducing the
Whole, exactly after their Father's Model.
But, here it is good to stop the hasly Reader, ever impatient to see the End
of an Adventure, before We Writers can duly prepare him for it. I am to record, that
these two Brothers began to be distinguished at this Time, by certain Names. One of
them desired to be called MARTIN, and the other took the Appellation of
JACK. These two had lived in much Friendship and Agreement under the
Tyranny of their Brother Peter, as in is the Talent of Fellow-Sufferers to
do; Men in Misfortune, being like Men in the Dark, to whom all Colours are the same:
But when they came forward into the World, and began to display themselves to each
other, and to the Light, their Complexions appear'd extremely different; which the
present Posture of their Affairs. gave
126 gave them sudden Opportunity to discover.
But, here the severe Reader may justly tax me as a Writer of short Memory, a
Deficiency to which a true Modern cannot but of Necessity be a little subject
Because, Memory being an Employment of the Mind upon Things past, is a
Faculty, for which the Learned, in our illustrious Age, have no manner of Occasion,
who deal entirely with Invention, and strike all Things out of themselves, or
at least, by Collision, from each other: Upon which Account, we think it highly
reasonable to produce our great Forgetfulness, as an Argument unanswerable for our
great Wit. I ought in Method, to have informed the Reader about fifty Pages ago, of
a Fancy Lord Peter took, and infused into his Brothers, to wear on their
Coats whatever Trimmings came up in Fashion; never pulling off any, as they went out
of the Mode, but keeping on all together; which amounted in time to a Medley, the
most Antick you can possibly conceive; and this to a Degree, that upon the Time of
their Falling out, there was hardly a Thread of the Original Coat to be
127 be seen, but an infinite Quantity of Lace, and
Ribbands, and Fringe, and Embroidery, and Points; (
I mean, only those tagg'd with Silver, for the rest fell off.) Now, this
material Circumstance, having been forgot in due Place; as good Fortune hath
ordered, comes in very properly here, when the two Brothers are just going to reform
their Vestures into the Primitive State, prescribed by their Father's Will.
THEY both unanimously entred upon this great Work, looking sometimes on
their Coats, and sometimes on the Will. Martin laid the first Hand; at one
Twitch brought off a large Handful of Points, and with a second Pull, stript
away ten dozen Yards of Fringe. But when He had gone thus far, he demurred a
while: He knew very well, there yet remained a great deal more to be done; however,
the first Heat being over, his Violence began to cool, and he resolved to proceed
more moderately in the rest of the Work; having already very narrowly scaped a
swinging Rent in pulling of the Points, which being tagged with Silver
(as we have observed before) the judicious Work- man
128 man had with much Sagacity, double sown, to preserve them from
falling. Resolving therefore to rid his Coat of a huge Quantity of
Gold Lace; he pick up the Stitches with much Caution, and diligently
gleaned out all the loose Threads as he went, which proved to be a Work of Time.
Then he fell about the embroidered Indian Figures of Men, Women and Children;
against which, as you have heard in its due Place, their Father's Testament was
extreamly exact and severe: These, with much Dexterity and Application, were after a
while, quite eradicated, or utterly defaced. For the rest, where he observed the
Embroidery to be workt so close, as not to be got away without damaging the Cloth,
or where it served to hide or strengthen any Flaw in the Body of the Coat,
contracted by the perpetual tampering of Workmen upon it; he concluded, the wisest
Course was to let it remain, resolving in no Case whatsoever, that the Substance of
the Stuff should suffer Injury; which he thought the best Method for serving the
true Intent and Meaning of his Father's Will. And this is the nearest Account
I have been able to collect, of
Martin's
129
Martin's Proceedings upon this great Revolution.
But, his Brother Jack, whose Adventures will be so extraordinary, as
to furnish a great Part in the Remainder of this Discourse; entred upon the Matter
with other Thoughts, and a quite different Spirit. For, the Memory of Lord
Peter's Injuries, produced a Degree of Hatred and Spight, which had a much
greater Share of inciting Him, than any Regards after his Father's Commands, since
these appeared at best, only Secondary and Subservient to the other. However, for
this Meddly of Humor, he made a Shift to find a very plausible Name, honoring it
with the Title of Zeal; which is, perhaps, the most significant Word that
hath been ever yet produced in any Language; As, I think, I have fully proved in my
excellent Analytical Discourse upon that Subject; wherein I have deduced a
Histori-theo-physi-logical Account of Zeal, shewing how it first
proceeded from a Notion into a Word, and from thence in a hot Summer,
ripened into a tangible Substance. This Work containing three large Volumes
in Folio, I design very shortly to publish
K
130 publish by the Modern way of Subscription, not
doubting but the Nobility and Gentry of the Land will give me all possible
Encouragement, having already had such a Taste of what I am able to perform.
I record therefore, that Brother Jack, brim-full of this miraculous Compound,
reflecting with Indignation upon PETER's Tyranny, and further provoked by the
Despondency of Martin; prefaced his Resolutions to this purpose. What?
said he; A Rogue that lockt up his Drink, turned away our Wives, cheated us of
our Fortunes; paumed his damned Crusts upon us for Mutton; and at last kickt us
out of Doors; must we be in His Fashions with a Pox? 4 Rascal, besides that all
the Street cries out against. Having thus kindled and enflamed himself as
high as possible, and by Consequence, in a delicate Temper for beginning a
Reformation, he set about the Work immediately, and in three Minutes, made more
Dispatch than Martin had done in as many Hours. For, (Courteous Reader) you
are given to understand, that Zeal is never so highly obliged, as when you
set it a Tearing; and
Jack,
131
Jack, who doated on that Quality in himself, allowed it at this Time its full
Swinge. Thus it happened, that stripping down a Parcel of Gold Lace, a little
too hastily, he rent the main Body of his Coat from Top to Bottom; and
whereas his Talent was not of the happiest in taking up a Stitch, he knew no
better way, than to dern it again with Packthread and a Scewer. But
the Matter was yet infinitely worse (I record it with Tears) when he proceeded to
the Embroidery: For, being Clumsy by Nature, and of Temper, Impatient;
withal, beholding Millions of Stitches, that required the nicest Hand, and sedatest
Constitution, to extricate; in a great Rage, he tore off the whole Piece, Cloth and
all, and flung it into the Kennel, and furiously thus continuing his Career; Ah,
Good Brother Martin, said he, do as I do, for the Love of God; Strip,
Tear, Pull, Rent, Flay off all, that we may appear as unlike that Rogue
Peter, as it is possible: I would not for a hundred Pounds carry the least Mark
about me, that might give Occasion to the Neighbours, of suspecting I was
related to such a Rascal. But Martin, who at this Time happened to be
extremely flegmatick and sedate, begged his Brother,
of
K2
132
of all Love, not to damage his Coat by any Means; for be never would get such
another: Desired him to consider, that it was not their Business to form
their Actions by any Reflection upon Peter's, but by observing the Rules
prescribed in their Father's Will. That be should remember, Peter
was still their Brother, whatever Faults or Injuries he had committed; and
therefore they should by all means avoid such a Thought, as that of taking
Measures for Good and Evil, from no other Rule, than of Opposition to Him.
That it was true, the Testament of their good Father was very exact in what
related to the wearing of their Coats; yet was it no less penal and
strict in prescribing Agreement, and Friendship, and Affection between them. And
therefore, if straining a Point were at all dispensable, it would certainly be
so, rather to the Advance of Unity, than Increase of Contradiction.
Martin had still proceeded as gravely as he began; and doubtless, would have
delivered an admirable Lecture of Morality, which might have exceedingly contributed
to my Reader's Repose, both of Body and Mind: (the true ultimate End of
Ethicks;) But Jack was already gone
133 gone a Flight-shot beyond his Patience. And as in Scholastick
Disputes, nothing serves to rouze the Spleen of him that Opposes, so much as
a kind of Pedantick affected Calmness in the Respondent; Disputants being for
the most part like unequal Scales, where the Gravity of one Side advances the
Lightness of the Other, and causes it to fly up and kick the Beam; So it
happened here, that the Weight of Martin's Arguments exalted Jack's
Levity, and made him fly out and spurn against his Brother's Moderation. In
short, Martin's Patience put Jack in a Rage; but that which
most afflicted him was, to observe his Brother's Coat so well reduced into the State
of Innocence; while his own was either wholly rent to his Shirt; or those Places
which had scaped his cruel Clutches, were still in Peter's Livery. So that he
looked like a drunken Beau, half rifled by Bullies; Or like a Fresh
Tenant of Newgate, when he has refused the Payment of Garnish; Or like
a discovered Shoplifter, left to the Mercy of Exchange-Women; Or like
a Bawd in her old Velvet Petticoat, resigned into the secular Hands of the
Mobile. Like any, or like all of these, a Meddley
K3
134 Meddley of Rags, and Lace, and Rents, and
Fringes, unfortunate Jack did now appear: He would have been
extreamly glad to see his Coat in the Condition of Martin's, but infinitely
gladder to find that of Martin's in the same Predicament with his. However,
since neither of these was likely to come to pass, he thought fit to lend the whole
Business another Turn, and to dress up Necessity into a Virtue. Therefore, after as
many of the Fox's Arguments, as he could muster up, for bringing
Martin to Reason, as he called it; or, as he meant it, into his
own ragged, bobtail'd Condition; and observing he said all to little purpose; what,
alas, was left for the forlorn Jack to do, but after a Million of
Scurrilities against his Brother, to run mad with Spleen, and Spight, and
Contradiction. To be short, here began a mortal Breach between these two.
Jack went immediately to New Lodgings, and in a few Days it was
for certain reported, that he had run out of his Wits. in a short time after, he
appeared abroad, and confirmed the Report, by falling into the oddest Whimsies that
ever a sick Brain conceived.
And
135
And now the little Boys in the Streets began to salute him with several
Names. Sometimes they would call Him, Jack the Bald; sometimes, Jack with
a Lanthorn; sometimes, Dutch Jack; sometimes, French Hugh;
sometimes Tom the Beggar; and sometimes, Knocking Jack of the North.
And it was under one, or some, or all of these Appellations (which I leave the
Learned Reader to determine) that he hath given Rise to the most Illustrious and
Epidemick Sect of Æolists; who with honourable Commemoration, do
still acknowledge the Renowned JACK for their Author and Founder. Of whose
Originals, as well as Principles, I am now advancing to gratify the World with a
very particular Account.
- Melleo contingens cuncta Lepore.
SECT.
K4
136
SECT. VII. A Digression in Praise of Digressions.
I
Have sometimes heard of an Iliad in a Nat-shell; but
it hath been my Fortune to have much oftner seen a Nat-shell in an
Head. There is no doubt, that Human Life has received most wonderful
Advantages from both; but to which of the two the World is chiefly indebted, I shall
leave among the Curious, as a Problem worthy of their utmost Enquiry. For the
Invention of the latter, I think the Commonwealth of Learning is chiefly obliged to
the great Modern Improvement of Digressions: The late Refinements in
Knowledge, running parallel to those of Dyer in our Nation, which among Men of a
judicious Taste, are drest up in various Compounds, consisting in Soupes and
Ollioes, Fricassées and Ragousts.
'Tis true, there is a sort of morose, detracting, ill-bred People, who pretend
utterly to disrelish these polite Innovations: And as to the Similitude from
Dyet,
137 Dyet, they allow the Parallel, but are so bold to pronounce the
Example it self, a Corruption and Degeneracy of Taste. They tell us, that the
Fashion of jumbling fifty Things together in a Dish, was at first introduced in
Compliance to a depraved and debauched Appetite, as well as to a crazy
Constitution; And to see a Man hunting thro' an Ollio, after the
Head and Brains of a Goose, a Wigeon, or a
Woodcock, is a Sign, he wants a Stomach and Digestion for more
substantial Victuals. Further, they affirm, that Digressions in a Book, are
like Forein Troops in a State, which argue the Nation to want a
Heart and Hands of its own, and often, either subdue the
Natives, or drive them into the most unfruitful Corners.
But, after all that can be objected by these supercilious Censors ; 'tis
manifest, the Society of Writers would quickly be reduced to a very inconsiderable
Number, if Men were put upon making Books, with the fatal Confinement of delivering
nothing beyond what is to the Purpose. 'Tis acknowledged, that were the Case the
same among Us, as with the Greeks and Romans, when Learning was
138 was in its Cradle, to be reared and fed, and cloathed by
Invention; it would be an easy Task to fill up Volumes upon particular
Occasions, without further exspatiating from the Subject, than by moderate
Excursions, helping to advance or clear the main Design. But with Knowledge,
it has fared as with a numerous Army, encamped in a fruitful Country; which for a
few Days maintains it self by the Product of the Soyl it is on; Till Provisions
being spent, they send to forrage many a Mile, among Friends or Enemies it matters
not. Mean while, the neighbouring Fields trampled and beaten down, become barren and
dry, affording no Sustenance but Clouds of Dust.
The whole Course of Things being thus entirely changed between Us and
the Antients; and the Moderns wisely sensible of it, we of this Age
have discovered a shorter, and more prudent Method, to become Scholars and
Wits, without the Fatigue of Reading or of Thinking. The
most accomplisht Way of using Books at present, is two fold: Either first, to serve
them as some Men do
139 do Lords, learn their Titles exactly, and then brag
of their Acquaintance. Or Secondly, which is indeed the choicer, the profounder, and
politer Method, to get a thorough Insight into the Index, by which the whole
Book is governed and turned, like Fishes by the Tail. For, to enter
the Palace of Learning at the great Gate, requires an Expence of Time and
Forms; therefore Men of much Haste and little Ceremony, are content to get in by the
Back-Door. For, the Arts are all in a flying March, and therefore
more easily subdued by attacking them in the Rear. Thus Physicians discover
the State of the whole Body, by consulting only what comes from Behind. Thus
Men catch Knowledge by throwing their Wit on the Posteriors of a Book,
as Boys do Sparrows with flinging Salt upon their Tails. Thus Human
Life is best understood by the wise man's Rule of Regarding the End. Thus are
the Sciences found like Hercules's Oxen, by tracing them backwards.
Thus are old Sciences unravelled like old Stockins, by beginning at
the Foot.
Besides
140
Besides all this, the Army of the Sciences hath been of late with a world of
Martial Discipline, drawn into its close Order, so that a View, or a Muster
may be taken of it with abundance of Expedition. For this great Blessing we are
wholly indebted to Systems and Abstracts, in which the Modern
Fathers of Learning, like prudent Usurers, spent their Sweat for the Ease of Us
their Children For Labor is the Seed of Idleness, and it is the
peculiar Happiness of our Noble Age to gather the Fruit.
Now the Method of growing Wise, Learned, and Sublime, having become
so regular an Affair, and so established in all its Forms; the Number of Writers
must needs have encreased accordingly, and to a Pitch that has made it of absolute
Necessity for them to interfere continually with each other. Besides, it is
reckoned, that there is not at this present, a sufficient Quantity of new Matter
left in Nature, to furnish and adorn any one particular Subject to the Extent of a
Volume. This I am told by a very skillful Computer, who hath given a
full
141 a full Demonstration of it from Rules of Arithmetick.
This, perhaps, may be objected against, by those, who maintain the Infinity
of Matter, and therefore, will not allow that any Species of it can be
exhausted. For Answer to which, let us examine the noblest Branch of Modern
Wit or Invention, planted and cultivated by the present Age, and, which of all
others, hath born the most, and the fairest Fruit. For tho' some Remains of it were
left us by the Antients yet have not any of those, as I remember, been
translated or compiled into Systems for Modern Use. Therefore We may affirm,
to our own Honor, that it has in some sort, been both invented, and brought to a
Perfection by the same Hands. What I mean, is that highly celebrated Talent among
the Modern Wits, of deducing Similitudes, Allusions, and Applications, very
Surprizing, Agrecable, and Apposite, from the Genitals of either Sex,
together with their proper Uses. And truly, having observed how little
Invention bears any Vogue, besides what is derived into these Channels, I
have sometimes had a Thought, That the happy Genius
142 Genius of our Age and Country, was prophetically held forth by
that antient ** Ctesiæsragm. spud Phstium.
typical
Description of the Indian Pygmies; whose Stature did not exceed above two
Foot; Sed quorum pudenda crassa, & ad talos usque pertingentia. Now,
I have been very curious to inspect the late Productions, wherein the Beauties of
this kind have most prominently appeared. And althe' this Vein hath bled so
freely, and all Endeavours have been used in the Power of Human Breath, to dilate,
extend, and keep it open: Like the Scythians, #x2020; #x2020;
Herodot. L.4.
who had a Custom, and an Instrument, to blow up
the Privities of their Mares, that they might yield the more Milk; Yet I am
under an Apprehension, it is near growing dry, and past all Recovery; And that
either some new Fonde of Wit should, if possible, be provided, or else that
we must e'en be content with Repetition here, as well as upon all other Occasions.
This will stand as an uncontestable Argument, that our Modern Wits
are not to reckon upon the Infinity of Matter, for a constant Supply. What remains
therefore,
143 therefore, but that our last Recourse must be had to large
Indexes, and little Compendiums; Quotations must be plentifully
gathered, and bookt in Alphaber; To this End, tho' Authors need be little consulted,
yet Criticks, and Commentators, and Lexicons carefully must.
But above all, those judicious Collectors of bright Parts, and
Flowers, and Observanda's, are to be nicely dwelt on; by some
called the Sieves and Boulters of Learning; tho' it is left
undetermined, whether they dealt in Pearls or Meal; and consequently,
whether we are more to value that which passed thro', or what staid
behind.
By these Methods, in a few Weeks, there starts up many a Writer, capable of
managing the profoundest, and most universal Subjects. For, what though his
Head be empty, provided his Common-place-Book be full; And if you
will bate him but the Circumstances of Method, and Style, and
Grammar, and Invention; allow him but the common Priviledges, of
transcribing from others, and digressing from himself, as often as he shall see
Occasion; He will desire no more Ingredients towards fitting up a Treatise, that
shall make
144 make a very comely Figure on a Bookseller's Shelf, there to be
preserved neat and clean, for a long Eternity, adorn'd with the Heraldry of its
Title, fairly inscribed on a Label; never to be thumb'd or greas'd by Students, nor
bound to everlasting Chains of Darkness in a Library: But when the Fulness of Time
is come, shall haply undergo the Tryal of Purgatory, in order to ascend the
Sky.
Without these Allowances, how is it possible, we Modern Wits should
ever have an Opportunity to introduce our Collections, listed under so many thousand
Heads of a different Nature? for want of which, the Learned World would be deprived
of infinite Delight, as well as Instruction, and we our selves buried beyond Redress
in an inglorious and undistinguisht Oblivion.
From such Elements as these, I am alive to behold the Day, wherein the
Corporation of Authors can out-vie all its Brethren in the Tield: A Happiness
derived to us with a great many others, from our Scythian Ancestors; among
whom, the Number of Pens was so in- finite,
145 finite, that the ** Herodot. L. 4.
Grecian
Eloquence had no other way of expressing it, than by saying, That in the Regions,
far to the North, it was hardly possible for a Man to travel, the very
Air was so replete with Feathers.
The Necessity of this Digression, will easily excuse the Length; and I have
chosen for it as proper a Place as I could readily find. If the judicious Reader can
assign a fitter, I do here empower him to remove it into any other Corner he please.
And so I return with great Alacrity to pursue a more important Concern.
SECT.
L
146
SECT. VIII.
A TALE of a TUB.
THE Learned Ælolists, maintain the Original Cause of all
Things to be Wind, from which Principle this whole Universe was at first
produced, and into which it must at last be resolved; that the same Breath which had
kindled, and blew up the Flame of Nature, should one Day blow it out.
Quod proculà notis flectat Fortuna gubernans.
This is what the Adepti understand by their Anima Mundi; that
is to say, the Spirit, or Breath, or Wind of the World: Or
Examine the whole System by the Particulars of Nature, and you will find it not to
be disputed. For, whether you please to call the Forma informans of Man, by
the Name of Spiritus, Animus, Afflatus, or Anima; what are all these,
but several Appellations for Wind? which is the ruling Element in every
Compound, and into
147 into which they all resolve upon their Corruption. Further, what
is Life it self, but as it is commonly called, the Breath of our Nostrils?
Whence it is very justly observed by Naturalists, that Wind still continues
of great Emolument in certain Mysteries not to be named, giving Occasion for
those happy Epithets of Turgidus, and Inflatus, apply'd either to the
Emittent, or Recipient Organs.
By what I have gathered out of antient Records, I find, the Compass
of their Doctrine took in two and thirty Points; wherein it would be tedious to be
very particular. However, a few of their most important Precepts, deduceable from
it, are by no means to be omitted; among which, the following Maxim was of much
Weight; That since Wind had the Master Share, as well as Operation in every
Compound, by Consequence, those Beings must be of chief Excellence, wherein that
Primordium appears most prominently to abound; and therefore, Man
is in highest Perfection of all created Things, as having by the great Bounty of
Philosophers, been endued with three distinct Anima's or Winds, to
which the Sage Æolists, with much
L2
148 much Liberality, have added a fourth, of equal Necessity, as well
as Ornament with the other three; by this quartum Principium, taking in the
four Corners of the World. Which gave Occasion to that Renowned Cabalist,
Bumbastus, of placing the Body of Man, in due Position to the four
Cardinal Points.
In Consequence of this, their next Principle was, that, Man brings
with Him into the World a peculiar Portion, or Grain of Wind, which may be
called a Quinta essentia, extracted from the other four. This
Quintessence is of Catholick Use upon all Emergencies of Life, is
improveable into all Arts and Sciences, and may be wonderful refined, as well as
enlarged by certain Methods in Education. This, when blown up to its
Perfection, ought not to be covetously hoarded up, stifled, or bid under a Bushel,
but freely communicated to Mankind. Upon these Reason, and others of equal Weight,
the Wise Æolists, affirm the Gift of BELCHING, to be the noblest
Act of a Rational Creature. To cultivate which Art, and render it more serviceable
to Mankind, they made Use of several Methods. At certain Sea- sons
149 sons of the Year, you might behold the Priests amongst them in
vast Numbers, with their Mouths gaping wide against a Storm. At other Times
were to be seen, several Hundreds link'd together in a circular Chain, with every
Man a Pair of Fellows applied to his Neighbour's Breech, by which they blew up each
other to the Shape and Size of a Tun; and for that Reason, with great
Propriety of Speech, did usually call their Bodies, their Vessels. When, by
these and the like Performances, they were grown sufficiently replete, they would
immediately depart, and disembogue for the Publick Good, a plentiful Share of their
Acquirements into their Disciples Chaps. For we must here observe, that all Learning
was esteemed among them, to be compounded from the same Principle. Because, First,
it is generally affirm'd, or confess'd, that Learning pusseth Men up: And
Secondly, they proved it by the following Syllogism; Words are but Wind; and
Learning is nothing but Words; Ergo, Learning is nothing but Wind.
For this Reason, the Philosophers among them, did in their Schools, deliver to their
Pupils, all their Doctrines and Opinions by Eructation, wherein they had
acquired
L3
150 acquired a wonderful Eloquence, and of incredible Variety. But the
great Caracteristick, by which their chief Sages were best distinguished, was a
certain Position of Countenance, which gave undoubted Intelligence to what Degree or
Proportion, the Spirit agitated the inward Mass. For, after certain Gripings, the
Wind and Vapors issuing forth; having first by their Turbulence and
Convulsions within, caused an Earthquake in Man's little World; distorted the Mouth,
bloated the Cheeks, and gave the Eyes a terrible kind of Relieve. At which
Junctures, all their Belches were received for Sacred, the Sourer the better,
and swallowed with infinite Consolation by their meager Devotes. And to render these
yet more compleat, because the Breath of Man's Life is in his Nostrils, therefore,
the choicest, most edifying, and most enlivening Belches, were very wisely
conveyed thro' that Vehicle, to give them a Tincture as they passed.
Their Gods were the four Winds, whom they worshipped, as the Spirits
that pervade and enliven the Universe, and as those from whom alone all
Inspiration can properly
151 properly be said to proceed. However, the Chief of these, to whom
they performed the Adoration of Latria, was the Almighty North. An
Antient Deity, whom the Inhabitants of Megalopolis in Greece, had
likewise in highest Reverence. ** Pausan. L. 8.
Omnium deorum
Boream maxime celebrant. This God, tho' endued with Ubiquity, was yet
supposed by the profounder Æolists, to possess one peculiar
Habitation, or (to speak in Form) a C#x153;lum Empyraum, wherein he was
more intimately present. This was situated in a certain Region, well known to the
Antient Greeks, by them call'd
Σκοτíα, or the Land of
Darkness. And altho' many Controversies have arisen upon that Marter; yet so
much is undisputed, that from a Region of the like Denomination, the most
refined Æolists have borrowed their Original, from whence, in every
Age, the zealous among their Priesthood, have brought over their choicest
Inspiration, fetching it with their own Hands, from the Fountain Head, in
certain Bladders, and disploding it among the Sectaries in all Nations, who
did, and do, and ever will, daily Gasp and Pant after it.
152
Now, their Mysteries and Rites were performed in this Manner. 'Tis well known among
the Learned, that the Virtuoso's of former Ages, had a Contrivance for carrying and
preserving Winds in Casks or Barrels, which was of great Assistance upon long
Sea Voyages; And the Loss of so useful an Art at present, is very much to be
lamented, tho' I know not how, with great Negligence omitted by Pancirollus.
It was an Invention ascribed to Æolus himself, from whom this Sect
is denominated, and who in Honor of their Founder's Memory, have to this Day
preserved great Numbers of those Barrels, whereof they fix one in each of
their Temples, first beating out the Top. Into this Barrel, upon Solemn Days,
the Priest enters; where, having before duly prepared himself by the Methods already
described, a secret Funnel is also convey'd from his Posteriors, to the Bottom of
the Barrel, which admits now Supplies of Inspiration from a Northern Chink or
Crany. Whereupon, You behold him swell immediately to the Shape and Size of his
Vessel. In this Posture he disembogues whole Tempests upon his Auditory,
as the
153 the Spirit from beneath gives him Utterance; which issuing ex
adytis, and penetralibus, is not performed without much Pain and
Gripings. And the Wind in breaking forth, deals with his Face, as it does
with that of the Sea; first blacking, then wrinkling, and at last,
bursting it into a F??. It is in this Guise, the Sacred
Æolist delivers his oracular Belthes to his panting
Disciples; Of whom, some are greedily gaping after the sanctified Breath; others are
all the while hymning out the Praises of the Winds; and gently wasted too and
fro by their own Humming, do thus represent the soft Breezes of their Deities
appeased.
It is from this Custom of the Priests, that some Authors maintain these
Æolists, to have been very antient in the World. Because, the
Delivery of their Mysteries, which I have just now mentioned, appears exactly the
same with that of other Antient Oracles; whose Inspirations were owing to certain
subterraneous Esslaviums of Wind, delivered with the same Pain
to the Priest, and much about the same Influence on the People. It is true
indeed, that these were frequently managed and directed
154 directed by Female Officers, whose Organs were understood
to be better disposed for the Admission of those Oracular Gusts, as entring,
and passing up thro' a Receptacle of greater Capacity, and causing also a Pruriency
by the Way, such as with due Management, hath been refined from a Carnal, into a
Spiritual Extasie. And to strengthen this profound Conjecture, it is further
insisted, that this Custom of Female Priests is kept up still in certain
refined Colleges of our Modern Ælists, who are agreed to receive
their Inspiration, derived thro' the Receptacle aforesaid, like their Ancestors, the
Sybils.
And, whereas the Mind of Man, when he gives the Spur and Bridle to his
Thoughts, doth never stop, but naturally sallies out into both Extreams of High and
Low, of Good and Evil; His first Flight of Fancy, commonly transports Him to Idea's
of what is most Perfect, finished, and exalted; till having soared out of his own
Reach and Sight, not well perceiving how near the Frontiers of Height and Depth,
border upon each other; With the same Course and Wing, he falls down plum into the
lowest Bottom of Things; like one who travels the East into the West;
or
155 or like a strait Line drawn by its own Length into a Circle.
Whether a Tincture of Malice in our Natures, makes us fond of furnishing every
bright idea with its Reverse; Or, whether Reason reflecting upon the Sum of Things,
can like the Sun, serve only to enlighten one half of the Globe, leaving the other
half, by Necessity, under Shade and Darkness: Or, whether Fancy, flying up to the
Imagination of what is Highest and Best, becomes over-shot, and spent, and weary,
and suddenly falls like a dead Bird of Paradise, to the Ground. Or, whether after
all these Metaphysical Conjectures, I have not entirely missed the true
Reason; The Proposition, however, which hath stood me in so much Circumstance, is
altogether true; That, as the most uncivilized Parts of Mankind, have some way or
other, climbed up into the Conception of a God, or Supream Power, so they
have seldom forgot to provide their Fears with certain gastly Notions, which instead
of better, have served them pretty tolerably for a Devil. And this Proceeding seems
to be natural enough; For it is with Men, whose Imaginations are listed up very
high, after the same Rate, as with those, whose
156 whole Bodies are so; that, as they are delighted with the
Advantage of a negrea Contemplation upwards, so they are a qually terrified with the
dismal Prospect of the Precipice below. Thus, in the Choice of a Devil, it
hath been the usual Method of Mankind, to single out some Being, either in Act, or
in Visioa, which was in most Antipathy to the God they had framed. Thus, also, the
Sect of Æolists, possessed themselves with a Dread, and Horror, and
Hatred of two Malignant Natures, betwixt whom, and the Deities they adored,
perpetual Enmity was established. The first of these, was the Camelion, sworn
Foe to Inspiration, who in Scorn, devoured large Influences of their God,
without refunding the smalled Blast by Eruction. The other was a huge
rerrible Monster, called Moulinavent, who with four strong Arms, waged
eternal Battel with all their Divinities, dextrously turning to avoid their Blows,
and repay them with Interest.
Thus furnisht, and set out with Gods, as well as Devils, was
the renowned Sect of Æolists; which makes at this Day so illustrious
a Figure in the World, and whereof
157 whereof, that Polite Nation of Laplanders, are beyond all
Doubt, a most Authentick Branch; Of whom, I therefore cannot, without Injustice,
here omit to make honourable Mention; since they appear to be so closely allied in
Point of Interest, as well as Inclinations, with their Brother
Æolists among Us, as not only to buy their Winds by
wholesale from the same Merchants, but also to retail them after the
same Rate and Method, and to Customers much alike.
Now, whether the system here delivered, was wholly compiled by Jack, or, as
some Writers believe, rather copied from the Original at Delphos, with
certain Additions and Emendations suited to Times and Circumstances, I shall not
absolutely determine. This I may affirm, that Jack gave it at least a new
Turn, and formed it into the same Dress and Model, as it lies deduced by me.
I have long sought after this Opportunity, of doing Justice to a Society of Men, for
whom I have a peculiar Ho- nor.
158 nor, and whose Opinions, as well as Practices, have been extremely
misrepresented, and traduced by the Malice or Ignorance of their Adversaries. For, I
think it one of the greatest, and best of human Actions, to remove Prejudices, and
place Things in their truest and fairest Light; which I therefore boldly undertake
without any Regards of my own, beside the Conscience, the Honor, and the Thanks.
159
SECT. IX.
A Digression concerning the Original, the Use, and Improvement of Madness
in a Commonwealth.
NOR shall it any ways detract from the just Reputation of this famous Sect,
that its Rise and Institution are owing to such an Author as I have described
Jack to be; A Person whose Intellectuals were overturned, and his Brain
shaken out of its natural Position; which we commonly suppose to be a Distemper, and
call by the Name of Madness or Phrenzy. For, if we take a Survey of
the greatest Actions that have been performed in the World; under the Influence of
Single Men; which are, The Establishment of New Empires by Conquest; The Advance
and Progress of New Schemes in Philosophy; and the contriving, as well as the
propagating of New Religions: We shall find the Authors of them all, to have
been Persons, whose natural Reason hath admitted great Revolutions from their Dyet,
their Education, the Pre- valency
160 valency of some certain Temper, together with the particular
influence of Air and Climate. Besides, there is something Individual in human Minds,
that easily kindles at the accidental Approach and Collision of certain
Circumstances, which tho' of paltry and mean Appearance, do often flame out into the
greatest Emergencies of Life. For, great Turns are not always given by strong Hands,
but by lucky A. daption, and at proper Seasons; and it is of no import, where the
Fire was kindled if the Vapor has once got up into the Brain. For, the upper
Region of Man, to furnished like the middle Region of the Air; The
Materials are formed from Causes of the widest Difference, yet produce at last the
same Substance and Effect. Mists arise from the Earth, Steams from Dunghils,
Exhalations from the Sea, and Smoak from Fire; yet all Clouds are the same in
Composition, as well as Consequences: And the Fumes issuing from a Jakes, will
furnish as comely and useful a Vapor, as Incense from an Altar. Thus far, I suppose,
will easily be granted me. And then it will follow; that as the Fact of Nature never
produces Rain, but when it is overcast and disturbed; so Human Under-
161 Understanding, seated in the Brain, must be troubled and
over-spread by Vapors, ascending from the lower Faculties, to water the Invention,
and render it fruitful. Now, altho' these Vapors (as it hath been already said) are
of as various Original, as those of the Skies, yet the Crop they produce, differs
both in Kind and Degree, meerly according to the Soil. I will produce two Instances
to prove and Explain what I am now advancing.
A certain Great Prince raised a mighty Army, filled his Coffers with infinite
Treatures, provided an invincible Fleet; and all this, without giving the least Part
of his Design to his greatest Ministers, or his nearest Favorites. Immediately the
whole World was alarmed; the neighbouring Crowns, in trembling Expectation, towards
what Point the Storm would burst; the small Politicians, every where forming
profound Conjectures. Some believed he had laid a Scheme for Universal Monarchy:
Others, after much Insight, determined the Matter to be a Project for pulling down
the Pope, and setting up the Reformed Religion, which had once been
his own. Some, again, of a deeper Sagacity, sent him into
Asia
M
162
Asia to subdue the Turk, and recover Palestine. In the midst of
all these Projects and Preparations; a certain State-Surgeon, gathering the
Nature of the Disease by these Symproms, attempted the Cure, at own Blow performed
the Operation, broke the Bag, and out flew the Vapor; nor did any thing want
to render it a compleat Remedy, only, that the Prince unfortunately happened to Die
in the Performance Now, is the Reader exceeding curious to learn, from whence this
Vapor took its Rise, which had so long set the Nations at a Gaze? What
secret Wheel, what hidden Spring could put into Motion so wonderful an Engine? It
was afterwards discovered, that the Movement of this whole Machine had been directed
by an absent Female, whose Eyes had raised a Protuberancy, and before
Emission, she was removed into an Enemy's Country. What should an unhappy Prince do
in such ticklish Circumstances as these? He tried in vain the Poet's never-failing
Receipt of Corpora qu#x153;que; For,
Idque petit corpus mens unde
est saucia amore; Unde feritur, so tendit, gestitq; coire. Lucr
Having
163
Having to no purpose used all peaceable Endeavors, the collected Part of the
Semen, raised and enflamed, became adjust, converted to Choler, turned
head upon the spinal Duct, and ascended to the Brain. The very same Principle that
influences a Bully to break the Windows of a Whore, who has jilted Him,
naturally stirs up a Great Prince to raise Mighty Armies, and dream of nothing, but
Sieges, Battles, and Victories. -Cannus teterrimabelli
Causa-
The other Instance is, what I have read somewhere, in a very antient Author,
of a Mighty King, who for the space of above thirty Years, amused himself to take
and lose Towns; beat Armies, and be beaten; drive Princes out of their Dominions;
fright Children from their Bread and Butter; burn, lay waste, plunder, dragoon,
massacre, Subject and Stranger, Friend and Foe, Male and Female. Tis recorded, that
the Philosophers of each Country were in grave Dispute, upon Causes Natural, Moral,
and Political, litical,
M2
164 tical, to find out where they should assign an original Solution
of this Ph#x153;nomenon. At last the Vapor or Spirit, which
animated the Hero's Brain, being in perpetual Circulation, seized upon that Region
of Human Body, so renowned for furnishing the Zibeta Occidentalis, and
gathering there into a Tumor, left the rest of the World for that Time in Peace. Of
such mighty Consequence it is, where those Exhalations fix, and of so little, from
whence they proceed. The same Spirits which in their superior Progress would conquer
a Kingdom, descending upon the Anus, conclude in a Fistula.
Let us next examine the great Introducers of new Schemes in Philosophy, and
search till we can find, from what Faculty of the Soul, the Disposition arises in
mortal Man, of taking it into his Head, to advance new Systems with such an eager
Zeal, in Things agreed on all Hands impossible to be known: From what Seeds this
Disposition springs, and to what Quality of human Nature these Grand Innovators have
been indebted for their Number of Disciples. Because, it is plain, that several
of
165 of the Chief among them, both Antient and Modern,
were usually mistaken by their Adversaries, and indeed, by all except their own
Followers, to have been Persons crazed, or out of their Wits, having generally
proceeded in the common Course of their Words and Actions, by a Method very
different from the vulgar Dictates of unrefined Reason: agreeing for the most
Part in their several Models, with their present undoubted Successors in the
Academy of Modern Bedlam (whose Merits and Principles I shall
further examine in due Place.) Of this Kind were Epicurus, Diogenes, Apollonius,
Lucretius, Paracelsus, Des Cartes, and others; who, if they were now in the
World, tied fast, and separate from their Followers, would in this our
undistinguishing Age, incur manifest Danger of Phlebotomy, and Whips,
and Chains, and dark Chambers, and Straw. For, what Man in the
natural State, or Course of Thinking, did ever conceive it in his Power, to reduce
the Notions of all Mankind, exactly to the same Length, and Breadth, and Height of
his own? Yet this is the first humble and civil Design of all Innovators in the
Empire of Reason. Epicurus,
modestly
M3
166 modestly hoped, that one Time or other, a certain Fortuitous
Concourse of all Mens Opinions, after perpetual Justlings, the Sharp with the
Smooth, the Light and the Heavy, the Round and the Square, would by certain
Clinamina, unite in the Notions of Atoms and Void, as these
did in the Originals of all Things. Cartesius reckoned to see before he died,
the Sentiments of all Philosophers, like so many lesser Stars in his
Romantick System, rapt and drawn within his own Vortex. Now, I
would gladly be informed, how it is possible to account for such Imaginations as
these in particular Men, without Recourse to my Ph#x153;nomenon of
Vapors, ascending from the lower Faculties to over-shadow the Brain, and
thence distilling into Conceptions, for which the Narrowness of our Mother-Tongue
has not yet assigned any other Name, beside that of Madness or
Phrenzy. Let us therefore now conjecture how it comes to pass, that none
of these great Prescribers, do ever fail providing themselves and their Notions,
with a Number of implicite Disciples. And, I think, the Reason is easie to be
assigned: For, there is a peculiar String in the Harmony of Human
Understanding, which in several
167 several Individuals is exactly of the same Tuning. This, if you
can dextrously screw up to its right Key, and then strike gently upon it; Whenever
you have the good Fortune to light among those of the same Pitch, they will by a
secret necessary Sympathy, strike exactly at the same Time. And in this one
Circumstance, lyes all the Skill or Luck of the Matter; for if you chance to jar the
String among those who are either above or below your own Height, instead of
subscribing to your Doctrine, they will tie you fast, call you Mad, and feed you
with Bread and Water. It is therefore a Point of the nicest Conduct to distinguish
and adapt this noble Talent, with respect to the Differences of Persons and of
Times. Cicero understood this very well, when writing to a Friend in
England, with a Caution, among other Matters, to beware of being cheated
by our Hackney-Coachmen (who, it seems, in those Days, were as arrant
Rascals, as they are now ) has these remarkable Words. ** Epist. ad Fam.
Trebatio.
Est quod gaudeas te in ista loca venisse, ubi aliquid
sapere viderere. For, to speak a bold Truth, it is a fatal Miscarriage, so
ill to order Affairs, as to pass for
M4
168 for a Fool in one Company, when in another, you might be
treated as a Philosopher. Which I desire some certain Gentlemen of my
Acquaintance, to lay up in their Hearts, as a very seasonable
Innuendo.
This, indeed, was the Fatal Mistake of that worthy Gentleman, my most
ingenious Friend, Mr. W-tt-n: A Person, in appearance, ordain'd for great
Designs, as well as Performances; whether you will consider his Notions or
his Looks. Surely, no Man ever advanced into the Publick, with fitter
Qualifications of Body and Mind, for the Propogation of a new Religion. Oh, had
those happy Talents misapplied to vain Philosophy, been turned into their proper
Channels of Dreams and Visions, where Distortion of Mind and
Countenance, are of such Sovereign Use; the base detracting World would not then
have dared to report, that something is amiss, that his Brain hath undergone an
unlucky Shake; which, even his Brother Modernists themselves, like Ungrates,
do whisper so loud, that it reaches up to the very Garrat I am writing in.
Lastly,
169
Lastly, Whoever pleases to look into the Fountains of Enthusiasm,
from whence, in all Ages, have eternally proceeded such fathing Streams, will find
the Spring Head to have been as troubled and muddy as the Current; Of
such great Emolument, is a Tincture of this Vapor, which the World calls
Madness, that without its Help, the World would not only be deprived of
those two great Blessings, Conguests and Systems, but even all Mankind
would unhappily be reduced to the same Belief in Things Invisible. Now, the former
Postulatum being held, that it is of no Import, from what Orginals this
Vapor proceeds, but either in what Angles it strikes and spreads
over the Understanding, or upon what Species of Brain it ascends; It will be
a very delicate Point, to cut the Feather, and divide the several Reasons to a nice
and curious Reader, how this numerical Difference in the Brain, can produce Effects
of so vast a Difference from the same Vapor, as to be the sole Point of
Individuation between Alexander the Great, Jack of Leyden, and
Monsieur Des Cartes. The present Argument, is the most abstracted that ever I
engaged
170 engaged in, it strains my Faculties to their highest Stretch; and
I desire the Reader to attend with utmost Perpensity; For, I now proceed to unravel
this knotty Point.
There is in Mankind a certain * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hic multa desiderantur.
And this I take to be a clear Solution of the Matter.
Having therefore so narrowly past thro' this intricate Difficulty, the
Reader will, I am sure, agree with me in the Conclusion; that if the Moderns
mean by Madness, only a Disturbance or Transposition of the Brain, by Force
of certain Vapors issuing up from the lower Faculties; Then has this
Madness been the Parent of all those mighty Revolutions, that have
happened in Empire, in Philosophy, and in Religion. For, the
Brain in its natural Position and State of Serenity, disposeth its Owner to pass his
Life in the common Forms, without any Thought of subduing
171 subduing Multitudes to his own Power, his Reasons,
or his Visions; And the more he shapes his Understanding by the Pattern of
Human Learning, the less he is inclined to form Parties after his particular
Notions; Because that instructs him in his private Infirmities, as well as in the
stubborn ignorance of the People. But when a Man's Fancy gets astride on his
Reason, when Imagination is at Cuffs with the Senses, and common Understanding, as
well as common Sense, is kickt out of Doors; the first Proselyte he makes, is
Himself, and when that is once compass'd, the Difficulty is not so great in bringing
over others; A strong Delusion always operating from without, as vigorously
as from within. For, Cant and Vision are to the Ear and the Eye, the same
that Tickling is to the Touch. Those Entertainments and Pleasures we most value in
Life, are such as Dupe and play the Wag with the Senses. For, if we take an
Examination of what is generally understood by Happiness, as it has Respect,
either to the Understanding, or the Senses; we shall find all its Properties and
Adjuncts, will herd under 'this short Definition: That, it is a perpetual
Possession of being well
Deceived.
172
Deceived. And first, with Relation to the Mind or Understanding; 'tis
manifest, what mighty Advantages Fiction has over Truth; and the Reason is just at
our Elbow; because Imagination can build nobler Scenes, and produce more wonderful
Revolutions than Fortune or Nature will be at Expence to furnish. Nor is Mankind so
much to blame in his Choice, thus determining him, if we consider that the Debate
meetly lyes between Things past, and Things conceived; And so the
Question is only this; Whether Things that have Place in the Imagination, may
not as properly be said to Exist, as those that are seated in the
Memory; which may be justly held in the Affirmative, and very much to the
Advantage of the former, since This is acknowledged to be the Womb of Things,
and the Other allowed to be no more than the Grave. Again, if we take this
Definition of Happiness, and examine it with Reference to the Senses, it will be
acknowledged wonderfully adapt. How fade and insipid do ail Ojects accost us, that
are not convey'd in the Vehicle of Delusion? How shrunk is every Thing, as it
appears in the Glass of Nature? so, that if it were not for the Assistance of
artifi- cial
173
Mediums, false Lights, refracted Angles, Vernish, and Tinsel; there would be
a mighty Level in the Felicity and Enjoyments of Mortal Men. If this were seriously
considered by the World, as I have a certain Reason to suspect it hardly will; Men
would no longer reckon among their high Points of Wisdom, the Art of exposing weak
Sides, and publishing Infirmities; an Employment in my Opinion, neither better nor
worse than that of Unmasking, which, I think, has never been allowed fair
Usage, either in the World or the Play-house.
In the Proportion that Credulity is a more peaceful Possession of the Mind,
than Curiosity, so far preferable is that Wisdom, which converses about the Surface,
to that pretended Philosophy which enters into the Depth of Things, and then comes
gravely back with Informations and Discoveries, that in the Inside they are good for
nothing. The two Senses, to which all Objects first Address themselves, are the
Sight and the Touch; These never examine further than the Color, the Shape, the
Size, and whatever other Qualities dwell, or are drawn by Art upon the Out-
ward
174 ward of Bodies; and then comes Reason officiously, with Tools for
cutting, and opening, and mangling, and piercing, offering to demonstrate, that they
are not of the same consistence quite thro', Now, I take all this to be the last
Degree of perverting Nature; one of whose eternal Laws it is, to put her best
Furniture forward. And therefore, in order to save the Charges of all such expensive
Anatomy for the Time to come; I do here think fit to inform the Reader, that in such
Conclusions as these, Reason is certainly in the Right; And that in most Corporeal
Beings, which have fallen under my Cognizance, the Outside hath been infinitely
preferable to the In: Whereof I have been further convinced from some late
Experiments. Last Week I saw a Woman slay'd, and you will hardly believe, how
much it altered her Person for the worse. Yesterday I ordered the Carcass of a
Bean to be stript in my Presence; when we were all amazed to find so many
unsuspected Faults under one Suit of Cloaths: Then I laid open his Brain, his
Heart, and his Spleen; But, I plainly perceived at every
Operation, that the farther we proceeded, we found the De- fects
175 fects encrease upon us in Number and Bulk: From all which, I
justly formed this Conclusion to my self. That whatever Philosopher or Projector can
find out an Art to fodder and patch up the Flaws and Imperfections of Nature, will
deserve much better of Mankind, and teach us a more useful Science, than that so
much in present Esteem, of widening and exposing them (like him who held
Anatomy to be the ultimate End of Physick.) And he, whose Fortunes
and Dispositions have placed him in a convenient Station to enjoy the Fruits of this
noble Art; He that can with Epicurus, content his Idea's with the
Films and Images that fly off upon his Senses from the
Superficies of Things; Such a Man truly Wise, creams off Nature, leaving
the Sower and the Dregs, for Philosophy and Reason to lap up. This is the sublime
and refined Point of Felicity, called, the Possession of being well deceived;
The Serene peaceful State of being a Fool among Knaves.
But to return to Madness. It is certain, that according to the System
I have above deduced; every Species thereof proceeds from a Redundancy of
Vapor; there- fore,
176 fore, as some Kinds of Phrenzy give double Strength to the
Sinews, so there are of other Species, which add Vigor, and Life, and Spirit
to the Brain: Now, it usually happens, that these active Spirits, getting Possession
of the Brain, resemble those that haunt other Waste and Empty Dwellings, which for
want of Business, either vanish, and carry away a Piece of the House, or else stay
at home, and fling it all out of the Windows. By which are mystically display'd the
two principal Branches of Madness; and which some Philosophers not
considering so well as I, have mistook to be different in their Causes, over-hastily
assigning the first to Deficiency, and the other to Redundance.
I think it therefore manifest, from what I have here advanced, that the main Point of
Skill and Address, is to furnish Employment for this Redundancy of Vapor, and
prudently to adjust the Seasons of it; by which Means, it may certainly become of
cardinal and catholick Emolument in a Commonwealth. Thus, one Man chusing a proper
Juncture, leaps into a Gulph, from thence proceeds a Hero, and is called the Saver
of his Country; Another
177 Another atchieves the same Enterprise, but unluckily timing it,
has left the Brand of Madness, fixt as a Reproach upon his Memory; Upon so
nice a Distinction are we taught to repeat the Name of Curtius with Reverence
and Love; that of Empedocles, with Hatred and Contempt. Thus, also it is
usually conceived, that the Elder Brutus only personated the Fool and
Madman, for the Good of the Publick: but this was nothing else, than a
Redundancy of the same Vapor, long misapplied, called by the Latins,
** Tacit.
Ingenium par negotiis: Or, (to translate it as
nearly as I can) a sort of Phrenzy, never in its right Element, till you take
it up in Business of the State.
Upon all which, and many other Reasons of equal Weight, though not equally
curious; I do here gladly embrace an Opportunity I have long sought for, of
Recommending it as a very noble Undertaking, to Sir E-d S-r, Sir
C-r M-ve, Sir J-n B-Is, J-n H- Esq; and
other Pattiors concerned, that they would move for Leave to bring in a Bill, for
appointing Commissioners to Inspect into Bedlam, and the
N
178 the Parts adjacent; who shall be empowered to send for Persons,
Papers, and Records: to examine into the Merits and Qualifications of every
Student and Professor; to observe with utmost Exactness their several Dispositions
and Behaviour; by which means, duly distinguishing and adapting their Talents, they
might produce admirable Instruments for the several Offices in a State, * * * * * *
* Civil and Military; proceeding in such Methods, as I shall here
humbly propose. And, I hope, the Gentle Reader will give some Allowance to my great
Solicitudes in this important Affair, upon Account of that high Esteem I have ever
born that honourable Society, whereof I had some Time the Happiness to be an
unworthy Member.
Is any Student tearing his Straw in piece-meal, Swearing and Blaspheming, biting his
Grate, foaming at the Mouth, and emptying his Pispot in the Spectator's Faces? Let
the Right Worshipful, the Commissioners of Inspection, give him a Regiment of
Dragoons, and send him into Flanders among the rest. Is another
eternally talking, sputtering, gaping, bawling, in a Sound without Period or
Article? What
179 What wonderful Talents are here mislaid! Let him be furnished
immediately with a green Bag and Papers, and ** A Lawyer's
Coachhire.
three Pence in his Pocket, and away with Him to
Westminster-Hall. You will find a Third, gravely taking the Dimensions of
his Kennel; A Person of Foresight and Insight, tho' kept quite in the Dark; for why,
like Moses, Ecce cornuta erat ejus facies. He walks duly in one Pace,
intreats your Penny with due Gravity and Ceremony; talks much of hard Times, and
Taxes, and the Whore of Babylon; Bars up the woodden of his Cell constantly
at eight a Clock: Dreams of Fire, and Shop-lifters, and
Court-Customers, and Priviledg'd Places. Now, what a Figure would
all these Acquirements amount to, if the Owner were sent into the City among
his Brethren! Behold a Fourth, in much and deep Conversation with himself, biting
his Thumbs at proper Junctures; His Countenance chequered with Business and Design;
sometimes walking very fast, with his Eyes nailed to a Paper that he holds in his
Hands: A great Saver of Time, somewhat thick of Hearing, very short of Sight, but
more of Memory. A Man ever in Haste, a great
N2
180 great Hatcher and Breeder of Business, and excellent at the Famous
Art of whispering Nothing. A huge Idolater of Monosyllables and
Procrastination; so ready to Give his Word to every Body, that he never
keeps it. One that has forgot the common Meaning of Words, but an
admirable Retainer of the Sound. Extreamly subject to the Leoseness,
for his Occasions are perpetually calling him away. If you approach
his Grate in his familiar Intervals; Sir, says he, Give me a Penny, and
I'll sing you a Song: But give me the Penny first. (Hence comes the common
Saying, and commoner Practice of parting with Money for a Song.) What a
compleat System of Court-Skill is here described in every Branch of it, and
all utterly lost with wrong Application? Accost the Hole of another Kennel, first
stopping your Nose, you will behold a surley, gloomy, nasty, slovenly Mortal, raking
in his own Dung, and dabling in his Urine. The best Part of his Diet, is the
Reversion of his own Ordure, which exspiring into Steams, whirls perpetually about,
and at last reinfunds. His Complexion is of a dirty Yellow, with a thin scattered
Beard, exactly agreeable to that of his Dyer upon its first Declination; like
181 like other Insects, who having their Birth and Education in an
Excrement, from thence borrow their Color and their Smell. The Student of this
Apartment is very sparing of his Words, but somewhat over-liberal of his Breath; He
holds his Hand out ready to receive your Penny, and immediately upon Receipt,
withdraws to his former Occupations. Now, is it not amazing to think, the Society of
Warwick-Lane, should have no more Concern, for the Recovery of so useful
a Member, who, if one may judge from these Appearances, would become the greatest
Ornament to that illustrious Body? Another Student struts up fiercely to your Teeth,
puffing with his Lips, half squeezing out his Eyes, and very graciously holds you
out his Hand to kiss. The Keeper desires you not to be afraid of this
Professor, for he will do you no Hurt: To him alone is allowed the Liberty of the
Anti-Chamber, and the Orator of the Place gives you to understand, that this
solemn Person is a Taylor run mad with Pride. This considerable Student is
adorned with many other Qualities, upon which, at present, I shall not further
enlarge - - - - - Heark
N 3
182
Heark in your Ear - - - - - - - I am strangely mistaken, if all his Address,
his Motions, and his Airs, would not then be very natural, and in their proper
Element.
I shall not descend so minutely, as to insist upon the vast Number of Beaux,
Fidlers, Poets, and Politicians, that the World might recover by such
a Reformation; But what is more material, beside the clear Gain redounding to the
Commonwealth, by so large an Acquisition of Persons to employ, whose Talents and
Acquirements, if I may be so bold to affirm it, are now buried, or at least
misapplied: It would be a mighty Advantage accruing to the Publick from this
Enquiry, that all these would very much excel, and arrive at great Perfection in
their several Kinds; which, I think, is manifest from what I have already shewn; and
shall inforce by this one plain Instance; That even, I my self, the Author of these
momentous Truths, am a Person, whose Imaginations are hard-mouth'd, and exceedingly
disposed to run away with his Reason, which I have observed from long
Experience, to be a very light Rider,
183 Rider, and easily shook off; upon which Account, my Friends will
never trust me alone, without a solemn Promise, to vent my Speculations in this, or
the like manner, for the universal Benefit of Human kind; which, perhaps, the
gentle, courteous, and candid Reader, brimful of that Modern Charity and
Tenderness, usually annexed to his Office, will be very hardly persuaded to
belive.
SECT.
N 4
184
SECT. X.
A TALE of a TUB.
I T is an unanswerable Argument of a very refined Age, the wonderful
Civilities that have passed of late Years, between the Nation of Authors, and
that of Readers. There can hardly pop out a Play, a Pamphlet,
or a Poem, without a Preface full of Acknowledgements to the World, for the
general Reception and Applause they have given it, which the Lord knows where, or
when, or how, or from whom it received. In due Deference to so laudable a Custom, I
do here return my humble Thanks to His Majesty, and both Houses of
Parliament; To the Lords of the King's most honourable
Privy-Council, to the Reverend the Judges: To the Clergy, and
Gentry, and Teomantry of this Land: But in a more especial manner,
to my worthy Brethren and Friends at Will's Coffee-House, and
Gresham-College, and Warwick-Lane, and Moor-Fields, and
Scotland-Tard, and Westminster-Hall, and Guild-Hall; In
short, to all Inhabitants and
185 and Retainers whatsoever, either in Court, or Church, or Camp, or
City, or Country; for their generous and universal Acceptance of this Divine
Treatise. I accept their Approbation, and good Opinion with extream Gratitude, and
to the utmost of my poor Capacity, shall take hold of all Opportunities to return
the Obligation.
I am also happy, that Fate has flung me into so blessed an Age for the mutual
Felicity of Booksellers and Authors, whom I may safely affirm to be at
this Day the two only satisfied Parties in England. Ask an Author how
his last Piece hath succeeded; Why, truly he thanks his Stars, the World has been
very favourable, and he has not the least Reason to complain: And yet, By
G-,He writ it in a Week at Bits and Starts, when he could steal an Hour
from his urgent Affairs; as, it is a hundred to one, you may see further in
the Preface; To which he refers you, and for the rest, to the Bookseller. There you
go as a Customer, and make the same Question: He blesses his God, the Thing
takes wonderful, be is just printing a Second Edition, and has but three left
in his Shop. You beat down the Price: Sir, we
shall
186
shall not differ; and in hopes of your Custom another Time, lets you have it
as reasonable as you please; And, pray send as many of your Acquaintance as you
will, I shall upon your Account furnish them all at the same Rate.
Now, it is not well enough consider'd, to what Accidents and Occasions the
World is indebted for the greatest Part of those noble Writings, which hourly start
up to entertain it. If it were not for a rainy Day, a drunken Vigil, a Fit of the
Spleen, a Course of Physick, a sleepy Sunday, an ill Run at Dice, a long
Taylor's Bill, a Beggar's Purse, a factius Head, a hot Sun, costive Dyet, Want
of Books, and a just Contempt of Learning. But for these Events, I say, and
same Others too long to recite, (especially a prudent Neglect of taking Brimstone
inwardly,) I doubt, the Number of Authors, and of Writings,
would dwindle away to a Degree most woful to behold. To confirm this Opinion, hear
the Words of the famous Troglodyte Philosopher: 'Tis certain (said he)
some Grains of Folly are of course annexed, as Part in the Composition of
Human Nature, only the Choice is left us, whether we please to wear them
Inlaid or
Embossed;
187 Embossed; And we need not go very far to seek how That is
usually determined, when we remember, it is with Human Faculties as with
Liquors, the lightest will be ever at the Top.
There is in this famous Island of Britain a certain paultry
Scribbler, very voluminous, whose Character the Reader cannot wholly be a
Stranger to. He deals in a pernicious Kind of Writings, called Second Parts,
and usually passes under the Name of The Author of the First. I easily
foresee, that as soon as I lay down my Pen, this nimble Operator will have
stole it, and treat me as inhumanly as he hath already done Dr. Bl-re, L-ge,
and many others who shall here be nameless. I therefore fly for Justice and Relief,
into the Hands of that great Rectifier of Saddles, and Lover of
Mankind, Dr. B-tly, begging he will take this enormous Grievance into
his most Modern Consideration: And if it should so happen, that the
Furniture of an Ass, in the Shape of a Second Part, must for my
Sins, be clapt by a Mistake, upon my Back, that he will immediately please, in the
Presence of the World, to lighten me of the Bur- ther,
188 then, and take it home to his own House, till the true
Beast thinks fit to call for it.
In the mean time I do here give this publick Notice, that my Resolutions
are, to circumscribe within this Discourse the whole Stock of Matter I have been so
many Years providing. Since my Vein is once opened, I am content to exhaust
it all at a Running, for the peculiar Advantage of my dear Country, and for the
universal Benefit of Mankind. Therefore, hospitably considering the Number of my
Guests, they shall have my whole Entertainment at a Meal; And I scorn to set up the
Leavings in the Cupboard. What the Guests cannot eat may be given
to the Poor, and the Dogs under the Table may gnaw the Bones;
This I understand for a more generous Proceeding, than to turn the Company's
Stomachs, by inviting them again to morrow to a scurvy Meal of Scraps.
If the Reader fairly considers the Strength of what I have advanced in the
foregoing Section, I am convinced it will produce a wonderful Revolution in his
Notions
189 Notions and Opinions; And he will be abundantly better prepared to
receive and to relish the concluding Part of this miraculous Treatise. Readers may
be divided into three Classes, the Superficial, the Ignorant, and the
Learned: And I have with much Felicity fitted my Pen to the Genious and
Advantage of each. The Superficial Reader will be strangely provoked to
Laughter; which clears the Breast and the Lungs, is Soverain against the
Spleen, and the most innocent of all Distreticks. The
Ignorant Reader (between whom and the former, the Distinction is
extreamly nice) will find himself disposed to Stare; which is an admirable
Remedy for ill Eyes, serves to raise and enliven the Spritis, and wonderfully helps
Perspiration. But the Reader truly Learned, chiefly for whose
Benefit, I wake, when others sleep, and sleep when others wake, will here find
sufficient Matter to employ his Speculations for the rest of his Life. It were much
to be wisht, and I do here humbly propose for an Experiment, that every Prince in
Christendom will take seven of the deepest Scholars in his
Dominions, and shut them up close for seven Years, in seven Chambers,
with
190 with a Command to write seven ample Commentaries on this
comprehensive Discourse. I shall venture to affirm, that whatever Difference may be
found in their several Conjectures, they will be all without the least Distortion,
manifestly deduceable from the Text. Mean time, it is my earnest Request, that so
useful an Undertaking may be entered upon (if their Majesties please) with all
conveniens speed; because, I have a strong Inclination, before I leave the World, to
taste a Blessing, which we mysterious Writers can seldom reach, till we have
got into our Graves. Whether it is, that Fame being a Fruit grafted on the
Body, can hardly grow, and much less ripen, till the Stock is in the Earth:
Or, whether she be a Bird of Prey, and is lured among the rest, to pursue after the
Scent of a Carcass: Or, whether she conceives, her Trumpet sounds best and
farthest, when she stands on a Tomb, by the Advantage of a rising Ground, and
the Echo of a hollow Vault.
'Tis true, indeed, the Republick of dark Authors, after they once
found out this excellent Expedient of Dying, have been
191 been peculiarly happy in the Variety, as well as Extent of their
Reputation. For, Night being the universal Mother of Things, wise
Philosophers hold all Writings to be fruitful in the Proportion they are
dark; And therefore, the ** A Name of the
Rosycrucians.
true Illuminated (that is to say, the Darkess of
all) have met with such numberless Commentators, whose Scholiastick Midwisry
hath deliver'd them of Meanings, that the Authors themselves, perhaps, never
conceived, and yet may very justly be allowed the Lawful Parents of them: The Words
of such Writers being like Seed, which, however scattered at random, when they light
upon a fruitful Ground, will multiply far beyond either the Hopes or Imagination of
the Sower.
And therefore in order to promote so useful a Work, I will here take Leave
to glance a few Innuendo's, that may be of great Assistance to those sublime
Spirits, who shall be appointed to labor in a universal Comment upon this wonderful
Discourse. And First, I have couched a very profound Mystery in the Number of O's
multiply's by Seven, and divided by Nine. Also, Also,
192 Also, if a devout Brother of the Rosy-cross will pray
fervently for sixty three Mornings, with a lively Faith, and then transpose certain
Letters and Syllables according to Prescription, in the second and fifth Section;
they will certainly reveal into a full Receit of the Opus Magnum. Lastly,
Whoever will be at the Pains to calculate the whole Number of each Letter in this
Treatise, and sum up the Difference exactly between the several Numbers, assigning
the true natural Cause for every such Difference; the Discoveries in the Product,
will plentifully reward his Labor. But then he must beware of Bythus and
Sigè, and be sure not to forget the Qualities of Acamoth; A
cajus lacrymis humecta prodit Substantia, à risu lucida, à
tristitiâ solida, & à timore mobilis,
wherein ** Vid. Anima magica abscondita.
Eugenius Philalethes
hath committed an unpardonable Mistake.
SECT.
193
SECT. XI.
A TALE of a TU B.
AFTER so wide a Compass as I have wandred, I do now gladly overtake, and
close in with my Subject, and shall henceforth hold on with it an even Pace to the
End of my Journey, except some beautiful Prospect appears within sight of my Way;
whereof, tho' at present I have neither Warning nor Expectation, yet upon such an
Accident, come when it will, I shall beg my Readers Favour and Company, allowing me
to conduct him thro' it along with my self. For in Writing, it is as in
Travelling: If a Man is in haste to be at home, (which I acknowledge to
be none of my Case, having never so little Business, as when I am there) if his
Horse be tired with long Riding, and ill Ways, or be naturally a Jade, I
advise him clearly to make the straitest and the commonest Road, be it ever so
dirty; But, then surely, we must own such a Man to be a scurvy Companion at best; He
spatters himself and his Fel- low
O
194 low-Travellers at every Step: All thier Thoughts, and Wishes, and
Conversation turn entirely upon the Subject of thier Journey's End; and at every
Splash, and Plunge, and Stumble, they heartily wish one another at the Devil.
On the other side, when a Traveller and his Horse are in Heart and
Plight, when his Purse is full, and the Day before him; he takes the Road only where
it is clean or convenient; entertains his Company there as agreeably as he can; but
upon the first Occasion, carries them along with Him to every delightful Scene in
View, whether of Art, of Nature, or of both; and if they chance to refuse out of
Stupidity or Weariness; let them jog on by themselves, and be d-n'd; He'll overtake
them at the next Town; at which arriving, he Rides furiously thro', the Men, Women,
and Children run out to gaze, a hundred noisy Curs run barking after
him, of which, if he honors the boldest with a Lash of his Whip, it is rather
out of Sport than Revenge: But should some sourer Mungrel dare too near an
Approach, he receives a Salute on the Chaps by an accidental Stroak from the
Courser's Heers, nor
195 (nor is any Ground lost by the Blow) which sends him yelping and
limping home.
I now proceed to sum up the singular Adventures of my renewed Jack; the State
of whose Dispositions and Fortunes, the careful Reader does no doubt, most exactly
remember, as I last parted with them in the Conclusion of a former Section.
Therefore, his next Care must be from two of the foregoing, to extract a scheme of
Notions, that may best fit his Understanding for a true Relish of what is to ensue.
Jack had not only calculated the first Revolutions of his Brain so
prudently, as to give Rise to that Epidemick Sect of Æolists but
succeeding also into a new and strange Variety of Conceptions, the suitfulness of
his Imagination led him into certain Notions, which, altho' in Appearance very
unaccountable, were not without their Mysteries and their Meanings, nor wanted
Followers to countenance and improve them. I shall therefore be extremely careful
and exact, in recounting such material Passages of this Nature,
C 2
196 Nature, as I have been able to collect, either from undoubted
Tradition, or indefatigable Reading; and shall describe them as graphically as it is
possible, and as far as Notions of that Height and Latitude can be brought within
the Compass of a Pen. Nor do I at all question, but they will furnish Plenty of
noble Matter for such, whose converting Imaginations dispose them to reduce all
Things into Types; who can make Shadows, no thanks to the Sun; and
then mold them into Substances, no thanks to Philosophy; whose peculiar Talent lies
in fixing Tropes and Allegories to the Letter, and refining what is Literal
into Figure and Mystery.
JACK had provided a fair Copy of his Father's Will, engrossed in Form
upon a large Skin of Parchment; and resolving to act the Part of a most dutiful Son,
he became the fondest Creature of it imaginable. For, altho', as I have often told
the Reader, it consisted wholly in certain plain, easy Directions about the
management and wearing of their Coats, with Legacies and Penalties, in case of
Obedience or Neglect; yet He began to entertain a Fancy, that the Matter was
deeper
and
197
and darker, and therefore must needs have a great deal more of Mystery at the
Bottom. Gentlemen, said he, I will prove this very Skin of Parchment to be
Meat, Drink, and Cloth, to be the Philosopher's Stone, and the Universal
Medicine. In consequence of which Raptures, he resolved to make use of it in
the most necessary, as well as the most paltry Occasions of Life. He had a Way of
working it into any Shape be pleased; so that it served him for a Night-cap when he
went to Bed, and for an Umbrello in rainy Weather. He would lap a Piece of it about
a sore Toe, or when he had Sitts, burn two Inches under his Nose; or if any Thing
lay heavy on his Stomach, scrape off, and swallow as much of the Powder as would lye
on a silver Penny, they were all infallible Remedies. With Analogy to these
Refinements, his common Talk and Conversation, ran wholly in the Phrase of his Will,
and he circumscribed the utmost of his Eloquence within that Compass, not daring to
let slip a Syllable without Authority from thence. Once at a strange House, he was
suddenly taken short, upon an urgent Juncture, whereon it may not be allowed too
particularly to dilate; and
O 3
198 and being not able to call to mind, with that Suddenness, the
Occasion required, an Authentick Phrase for demanding the Way to the Backside; he
chose rather as the more prudent Course, to incur the Penalty in such Cales usually
annexed. Neither was it possible for the united Rhetorick of Mankind to prevail with
him to make himself clean again: Because having consulted the Will upon this
Emergency, he met with a Passage near the Bottom (whether foisted in by the
Transcriber, is not known) which seemed to forbid it.
He made it a Part of his Religion, never to say Grace to his Meat, nor could
all the World persuade him, as the common Phrase is, to eat his Victuals like a
Christian.
He bore a strange kind of Appetite to Snap-Dragon, and to the livid
Snuffs of a burning Candle, which he would catch and swallow with an Agility,
wonderful to conceive; and by this Procedure, maintained a perpetual Flame in his
Belly, which issuing in a glowing Steam from both his Eyes, as well as his Nostrils,
and
199 and his Mouth; made his Head appear in a dark Night, like the
Scull of an Ass, wherein a roguish Boy hath conveyed a farthing Candle, to the
Terror of His Majesty's Liege Subjects. Therefore, he made use of no other
Expedient to light himself home, but was wont to say, That a Wise Man was his own
Lanthorn.
He would shut his Eyes as he walked along the Streets, and if he happened to
bounce his Head against a Polt, or fall into the Kennel (as he seldom missed either
to do one or both) he would tell the gibing Prentices, who looked on, that he
submitted with entire Resignation, as to a Trip, or a Blow of Fate, with whom he
found, by long Experience, how vain it was either to wrestle or to cuss; and
whoever durst undertake to do either, would be sure to come off with a swinging
Fall, or a bloody Nose. It was ordained, said he, some few Days before
the Creation, that my N se and this very Post should have a Rencounter; and
therefore, Providence thought fit to send us both into the World in the same
Age, and to make us Country-men and Fellow-Citizens, Now, had my Eyes been open,
it is very likely, the Business might have been a great deal
worse;
O 4
200
worse; For, how many a confounded Slip is daily got by Man, with all his
Foresight about him? Besides, the Eyes of the Understanding see best, when those
of the Senses are out of the way; and therefore, blind Men are observed to tread
their Steps with much more Caution, and Conduct, and Judgment, than those who
rely with too much Confidence, upon the Virtue of the visual Nerve, which every
little Accident shakes out of Order, and a Drop, or a Film, can wholly
disconcert; like a Lanthorn among a Pack of roaring Bullies, when they scower
the Streets; exposing its Owner, and it self, to outward Kicks and Buffets,
which both might have escaped, if the Vanity of Appearing would have suffered
them to walk in the Dark. But, further; if we examine the Conduct of
these boasted Lights, it will prove yet a great deal worse than their
Fortune: 'Tis true, I have broke my Nose against this Post, because Providence
either forgot, or did not think it convenient to twitch me by the Elbow, and
give me notice to avoid it. But, let not this encourage either the present Age
or Posterity, to trust their Noses into the keeping of their Eyes,
which may prove the fairest Way of losing them for good and all. For, O ye
Eyes, Ye blind Guides; miserable Guar-
dians
201
dians are Ye of our frail Noses; Ye, I say, who fasten upon the first Precipice
in view, and then tow our wretched willing Bodies after You, to the very Brink
of Destruction: But, alas, that Brink is rotten, our Feet slip, and we tumble
down prone into a Gulph, without one hospitable Shrub in the Way to break the
Fall; a Fall, to which not any Nose of mortal Make is equal, except that of the
Giant ** Vide Don Quixot. Laurcalco, who was Lord of
the Silver Bridge. Most properly, therefore, O Eyes, and with great
Justice, may You be compared to those foolish Lights, which conduct Men thro'
Dirt and Darkness, till they fall into a deep Pit, or a noisom Bog.
THIS I have produced, as a Scantling of Jack's great Eloquence, and
the Force of his Reasoning upon such abstruse Matters.
HE was besides, a Person of great Design and Improvement in Affairs of
Devotion, having introduced a new Deity, who hath since met with a vast
Number of Worshippers; by some called Babel, by others, Chaos; who had
an antient Temple of Gotbick Structure upon Salisbury
Plain;
202 Plain; famous for its Shrine, and Celebration by Pilgrims.
WHEN he had some Roguish Trick to play, he would down with his Knees, up
with his Eyes, and fall to Prayers, tho' in the midst of the Kennel. Then it was
that those who understood his Pranks, would be sure to get far enough out of his
Way; And whenever Curiosity attracted Strangers to Laugh, or to Listen; he would of
a sudden, with one Hand out with his Gear, and piss full in their Eyes, and
with the other, all to-bespatter them with Mud.
IN Winter he went always loose and unbuttoned, and clad as thin as possible,
to let in the ambient Heat; and in Summer, lapt himself close and thick to
keep it out.
IN all Revolutions of Government, he would make his Court for the Office of
Hangman General; and in the Exercise of that Dignity, wherein he was very
dextrous, would make use of no other Vizard than a long Prayer.
HE
203
HE had a Tongue so Musculous and Subtil, that he could twist it up into his
Nose, and deliver a strange Kind of Speech from thence. He was also the first in
these Kingdoms, who began to improve the Spanish Accomplishment of
Braying; and having large Ears, perpetually exposed and arrect, he
carried his Art to such a Perfection, that it was a Point of great Difficulty to
distinguish either, by the View or the Sound, between the Original and the
Copy.
HE was troubled with a Disease, reverse to that called the Stinging of the
Tarantula; and would run Dog-mad, at the Noise of Musick,
especially a Pair of Bag-Pipes. But he would cure himself again, by taking
two or three Turns in Westminster-Hall, or Billinsgate, or in a
Boarding-School, or the Royal-Exchange, or a State
Coffee-House.
HE was a Person that feared no Colours but mortally
hated all, and upon that Account, bore a cruel Avsrsion to
Painters, insomuch, that in his Paroxisms, as he walked the Streets, he
would have
204 have his Pockets loaden with Stones, to pelt at the Signs.
HAVING from his manner of Living, frequent Occasions to wash himself,
he would often leap over Head and Ears into the Water, tho' it were in the midst of
the Winter, but was always observed to come out again much dirtier, if
possible, than he went in.
HE was the first that ever found out the Secret of contriving a
Soporiferous Medicine to be convey'd in at the Ears; It was a
Compound of Sulphur and Balm of Gilead, with a little Pilgrim's
Salve.
HE wore a large Plaister of artificial Causticks on his Stomach, with
the Fervor of which, he could set himself a groaning, like the famous
Board upon Application of a red hot Iron.
HE would stand in the Turning of a Street, and calling to those who passed
by, would cry to One; Worthy Sir, do me the Honor of a good Slap in the
Chaps: To another, Honest Friend, pray, favour
me
205
me with a handsome Kick on the Arse: Madam, shall I entreat a small Box in the
Ear, from your Ladyship's fair Hands? Noble Captain, Lend a reasonable Thwack,
for the Love of God, with that Cane of yours, over these poor Shoulders. And
when he had by such earnest Sollicitations, made a shift to procure a Basting
sufficient to swell up his Fancy and his Sides; He would return home extremely
comforted, and full of terrible Accounts of what he had undergone for the Publick
Good. Observe this Stroak, (said he, shewing his bare Shoulders) a
plaguy Janisary gave it me this very Morning at seven a Clock, as, with
much ado, I was driving off the Great Turk. Neighbours mine, this broken
Head deserves a Plaister; had poor Jack been tender of his Noddle, you
would have seen the Pope, and the French King, long before this
time of Day, among your Wives and your Ware-houses. Dear Christians,
the Great Mogul was come as far as White-Chappel, and you may
thank these poor Sides that be bath not (God bless us) already swallowed up Man,
Woman, and Child.
IT
206
IT was highly worth observing, the singular Effects of that Aversion, or
Antipathy, which Jack and his Brother Peter seemed, even to an
Affectation, to bear towards each other. Peter had lately done some
Rogueries, that forced him to abscond; and he seldom ventured to stir out
before Night, for fear of Bayliffs. Their Lodgings were at the two most distant
Parts of the Town, from each other; and whenever their Occasions, or Humors called
them abroad, they would make Choice of the oddest unlikely Times, and most uncouth
Rounds they could invent; that they might be sure to avoid one another: Yet after
all this, it was their perpetual Fortune to meet. The Reason of which, is easy
enough to apprehend: For, the Phrenzy and the Spleen of both, having the fame
Foundation, we may look upon them as two Pair of Compasses, equally extended, and
the fixed Foot of each, remaining in the same Center; which, the moving contrary
Ways at first, will be sure to encounter somewhere or other in the Circumference.
Besides, it was among the great Misfortunes of Jack, to bear a huge Per-
sonal
207 sonal Resemblance with his Brother Peter. Their Humors and
Dispositions were not only the fame, but there was a close Analogy in their Shape,
their Size, and their Mien. Insomuch, as nothing was more frequent than for a
Bayliff to seize Jack by the Shoulders, and cry; Mr. Peter, You are
the King's Prisoner. Or, at other Times, for one of Peter's nearest
Friends, to accost Jack with open Arms, Dear Peter, I am glad to
see thee, pray send me one of your best Medicine's for the Worms. This we
may suppose, was a mortifying Return of those Pains and Proceedings, Jack had
labored in so long; And finding, how directly opposite all his Endeavors had
answered to the sole End and Intention, which he had proposed to himself; How could
it avoid having terrible Effects upon a Head and Heart so furnished as his? However,
the poor Remainders of his Coat bore all the Punishment; The orient Sun never
entred upon his diurnal Progress, without missing a Piece of it. He hired a Taylor
to stitch up the Collar so close, that it was ready to choak him, and squeezed out
his Eyes at such a Rate, as one could see nothing but the White. What
208 What little was left of the main Substance of the Coat, he rubbed
every Day for two hours, against a rough-cast Wall, in order to grind away the
Remnants of Lace and Embroidery; but at the same time went on with so
much Violence, that he proceeded a Heathen Philosopher. Yet after all he
could do of this kind, the Success continued still to disappoint his
Expectation. For, as it is the Nature of Rage, to bear a kind of mock Resemblance to
Finery; there being a sort of fluttering Appearance in both, which is not to be
distinguished at a Distance, in the Dark, or by short-sighted Eyes: So, in those
Junctures, it fared with Jack and his Tatters, that they offered to the first
View, a ridiculous Flanting, which assisting the Resemblance in Person and Air,
thwarted all his Projects of Separation, and left so near a Similitude between them,
as frequently deceived the very Disciples and Followers of both. * * * * * * * * * *
* * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
Defunt non-nulla
- - - - - - - - - -
THE
209
THE old Sclavonian Proverb said well, That it is with Men,
as with Asses; whoever would keep them fast, may find a very good Hold
at their Ears. Yet, I think, we may affirm, and it hath been verified by
repeated Experience, that,
Effugiet tamen hac sceleratus vincula
Proteus.
IT is good therefore, to read the Maxims of our Ancestors, with great
Allowances to Times and Persons: For, if we look into Primitive Records, we shall
find, that no Revolutions have been so great, or fo frequent, as those of human
Ears. In former Days, there was a curious Invention to catch and keep
them; which, I think, we may justly reckon among the Artes perditÆ:
And how can it be otherwise, when in these latter Centuries, the very Species is not
only diminished to a very lamentable Degree, but the poor Remainder is also
degenerated so far, as to mock our skilfullest Tenure? For, if the only
flitting of one Ear in a Stag, hath been found sufficient to propagate the
Defect thro' a whole Forest; Why
P
210 Why should we wonder at the greatest Consequences, from so many
Loppings and Mutilations, to which the Ears of our Fathers and our own, have
been of late so much exposed? 'Tis true, indeed, that while this Island of
ours, was under the Dominion of Grace, many Endeavours were made to improve
the Growth of Ears once more among us. The Proportion of Largeness, was not
only look upon as an Ornament of the Outward Man, but as a Type of Grace in
the Inward. Besides, it is held by Naturalists, that if there be a
Protuberancy of Parts in the Superior Region of the Body, as in the
Ears and Nose,there must be a Parity also in the Inferior:
And therefore in that truly pious Age, the Males in every Assembly, according as
they were gifted, appeared very forward in exposing their Ears to view, and
the Regions about them; because ** Lib. de aëre locis &
aquis.
Hippocrates tells us, that when the Vein behind the Ear happens to
be cut, a Man becomes an Eunuch: And the Females were nothing
backwarder in beholding and edifying by them: Whereof those who had already used
the Means. look about them with great Concern, in hopes
211 hopes of conceiving a suitable Offspring by such a Prospect:
Others, who stood Candidates for Benevolence, found there a plentiful Choice,
and were sure to fix upon such as discovered the largest Ears, that the Breed
might not dwindle between them. Lastly, the devouter Sisters, who look upon all
extraordinary Dilatations of that Member, as Protrusions of Zeal, or spiritual
Excrescencies, were sure to honor every Head they fat upon, as if they had been
Clowen Tongues; but, especially, that of the Preacher, whose Ears
were usually of the prime Magnitude; which upon that Account, he was very frequent
and exact in exposing with all Advantages to the People; in his Rhetorical
Paroxysms, turning sometimes to hold forth the one, and sometimes
to hold forth the other: From which Custom, the whole Operation of Preaching
is to this very Day among their Professors, styled by the Phrase of Holding
forth.
SUCH was the Progress of the Saints, for advancing the Size of that
Member; And it is thought, the Success would have been every way answerable, if in
Process of time, a cruel King had not arose, who raised a bloody Persecution against
all
P 2
212 all Ears, above a certain Standard: Upon which, some were
glad to hide their flourishing Sprouts in a black Border, others crept wholly under
a Perewig: some were slit, others cropt, and a great Number sliced off to the
Stumps. But of this, more hereafter, in my general History of Ears; which I
design very speedily to bestow upon the Publick.
FROM this brief Survey of the falling State of Ears, in the last Age,
and the small Care had to advance their antient Growth in the present, it is
manifest, how little Reason we can have to rely upon a Hold so short, so weak, and
so slippery; and that, whoever desires to catch Mankind fast, must have Recourse to
some other Methods. Now, he that will examine Human Nature with Circumspection
enough, may discover several xHandles, whereof the ** Including
Scaliger's.
Six Senses afford one apiece, beside a great Number that are sorewed to the
Passions, and some few riveted to the Intellect. Among these last, Curiosity
is one, and of all others, affords the firmest Grasp; Curiosity, that Spur in
the fide; that Bridle in the Mouth, that Ring
213 Ring in the Nose, of a lazy, an impatient, and a grunting Reader.
By this Handle it is, that an Author should seize upon his Readers; which as
soon as he hath once compast, all Resistance and struggling are in vain; and they
become his Prisoners as close as he pleases, till Weariness or Dullness force him to
let go his Gripe.
AND therefore. I the Author of this miraculous Treatise, having hitherto,
beyond Expectation, maintained by the aforesaid Handle, a firm Hold upon my
gentle Readers; it is with great Reluctance, that I am at length compelled to remit
my Grasp; leaving them in the Perusal of what remains, to that natural
Ofeitancy inherent in the Tribe. I can only assure thee, Courteous
Reader, for both our Comforts, that my Concern is altogether equal to thine, for my
Unhappiness in losing, or mislaying among my Papers the remaining Part of these
Memoirs; which consisted of Accidents. Turns, and Adventures, both New, Agreeable,
and Surprizing; and therefore, calculated in all due Points, to the delicate Taste
of this our noble Age. Bat, alas,
P 3
214 alas, with my utmost Endeavours, I have been able only to retain a
few of the Heads. Under which, there was a full Account, how Peter got a
Protection out of the King's-Bench; And of a Reconcilement between
Jack and Him, upon a Design they had in a certain rainy Night, to
trepan Brother Martin into a Spunging-house, and there strip him to
the Skin. How Martin, with much ado, shew'd them both a fair pair of Heels.
How a new Warrant came out against Peter; upon which, how Jack
left him in the lurch, stole his Protection, and made use of it himself. How
Jack's Tatters came into Fashion in Court and City; How
he got upon a great Horse, and eat Custard. But the Particulars of all
these, with several others, which have now slid out of my Memory, are loft beyond
all Hopes of Recovery. For, which Misfortune, leaving my Readers to condole with
each other, as far as they shall find it to agree with their several Constitutions;
but conjuring them by all the Friendship-that hath passed between Us, from the
Title-Page to this, not to proceed so far as to injure their Healths, for an
Accident past Remedy; I now go on to the Ceremonial Part of an accom- phish'd
215 plish'd Writer, and therefore, by a Courtly Modern, least
of all others to be omitted.
The CONCLUSION.
>G
OING too long is a Cause of Abortion as effectual, tho' not so
frequent, as Going too short; and holds true especially in the Labors
of the Brain. Well fare the Heart of that Noble ** Pere d' Orleans.
Jesuit, who first adventur'd to confess in Print, that Books must be suited
to their several Seasons, like Dress, and Dyet, and Diversions: And better fare our
noble Nation, for refining upon this, among other French Modes. I am living
fast, to see the Time, when a Book that misses its Tide, shall be neglected,
as the Moon by Day, or like Mackarel a Week after the Season. No Man
hath more nicely observed our Climat, than the Bookseller who bought the Copy of
this Work; He knows to a Tittle, what Subjects will best go off in a dry
Year,
P 4
216
Year, and which it is proper to expose foremost, when the Weather-glass is
fallen to much Rain. When he had seen this Treatise, and consulted his
Almanack upon it; he gave me to understand, that he had maturely
considered the two Principal Things, which were the Bulk and the
Subject; and found, it would never take, but after a long
Vacation, and then only, in case it should happen to be a hard Year for Turnips.
Upon which I desired to know, considering my urgent Necessities, what he
thought might be acceptable this Month. He looks Westward, and said, I
doubt we shall have a Fit of bad Weather; However, if you could prepare some
pretty little Banter (but not in Verse) or a small Treatise upon the --
it would run like Wild-Fire. But, if it hold up, I have already hired an
Author to write something against Dr. B-tl-y, which, I am sure, will turn
to Account.
AT length we agreed upon this Expedient; That when a Customer comes for one
of these, and desires in Confidence to know the Author; he will tell him very
privately, as a Friend, naming which ever of the Wits shall happen to be
217 be that Week in the Vogue; and if Drupe's last Play should
be in Course, I had as lieve he may be the Person as Congreve. This I
mention, because I am wonderfully well acquainted with the present Relish of
Courteous Readers; and have often observed, with singular Pleasure, that a
Fly driven from a Honey-pot, will immediately, with very good
Appetite alight, and finish his Meal on an Excrement.
I have one Word to say upon the Subject of Profound Writers, who are grown
very numerous of late; And, I know very well, the judicious World is resolved to
lift me in that Number. I conceive therefore, as to the Business of being
Profound, that it is with Writers, as with Wells; A Person
with good Eyes may see to the Bottom of the deepest, provided any Water be
there; and, that often, when there is nothing in the world at the Bottom, besides
Dryness and Dirt, tho' it be but a Yard and half under Ground, it
shall pass, however, for wondrous Deep, upon no wiser a Reason than because
it is wondrous Dark.
I
218
I am now trying an Experiment very frequent among Modern Authors; which is, to
write upon Nothing: When the Subject is utterly exhausted, to let the
Penstill move on; by some called, the Ghost of Wit, delighting to walk after the
Death of its Body. And to say the Truth, there seems to be no Part of Knowledge in
fewer Hands, than That of Discerning when to have Done. By the Time that an
Author has writ out a Book, he and his Readers are become old Acquaintance, and grow
very loath to part: So that I have sometimes known it to be in Writing, as in
Visiting, where the Ceremony of taking Leave, has employ'd more Time than the whole
Conversation before. The Conclusion of a Treatise, resembles the Conclusion of Human
Life, which hath sometimes been compared to the End of a Feast; where few are
satisfied to depart, ut plenus vita conviva: For Men will sit down after the
fullest Meal, tho' it be only to doze, or to sleep out the rest of the
Day. But, in this latter, I differ extreamly from other Writers; and shall be too
proud, if by all my Labors, I can have any ways contri- buted
219 buted to the Repose of Mankind, in Times so turbulent and
unquiet as these. Neither, do I think such an Employment so very alien from the
Office of a Wit, as some would suppose. For among a very polite Nation in
** Treazuii. Pauson. l. z.
Greece, there were the same Temples built and consecrated to
Sleep and the Muses, between which two Deities, they believed the
strictest Friendship was established.
I have one concluding Favour, to request of my Reader; that he will not expect to be
equally diverted and informed by every Line, or every Page of this Discourse; but
give some Allowance to the Author's Spleen, and short Fits or Intervals of Dullness,
as well as his own; And lay it seriously to his Conscience, whether, if he were
walking the Streets, in dirty Weather, or a rainy Day; he would allow it fair
Dealing in Folks at their Ease from a Window, to Critick his Gate, and ridicule his
Dress at such a Juncture.
IN my Disposure of Employments of the Brain, I have thought fit to make
Invention
220
Invention the Master, and to give Method and Reason, the
Office of its Lacquays. The Cause of this Distribution was, from observing it
my peculiar Case, to be often under a Temptation of being Witty, upon
Occasions, where I could be neither Wise nor Sound, nor any thing to
the Matter in hand. And, I am too much a Servant of the Modern Way, to
neglect any such Opportunities, what ever Pains or Improprieties I may be at, to
introduce them. For, I have observed, that from a laborious Collection of Seven
Hundred Thirty Eight Flowers, and shining Hints of the best
Modern Authors, digested with great Reading, into my Book of
Common-Places; I have not been able after five Years to draw, hook, or
force into common Conversation, any more than a Dozen. Of which Dozen, the one
Moiety failed of Success, by being dropt among unsuitable Company; and the other
cost me so many Strains, and Traps, and Ambages to introduce, that I at
length resolved to give it over. Now, this Disappointment, (to discover a Secret) I
must own, gave me the first Hint of setting up for an Author; and, I have
since found among some particular friends,
221 Friends, that it is become a very general Complaint, and has
produced the fame Effects upon many others. For, I have remarked many a towardly
Word, to be wholly neglected or despised in Discourse, which hath
passed very smoothly, with some Consideration and Esteem, after its Preferment and
Sanction in Print. But, now, since by the Liberty and Encouragement of the
Press, I am grown absolute Master of the Occasions and Opportunities, to expose the
Talents I have acquired; I already discover, that the Issues of my
Observanda begin to grow too large for the Receipts. Therefore, I
shall here pause awhile, till I find, by feeling the World's Pulse, and my own, that
it will be of absolute Necessity for us both, to resume my Pen.
FINIS.