Shewes hauing beene long intermitted, and forbidden by Authority for their abuses, could not be raysed but by coniuring. ((Enter Prologue in a Circle.)) Be not deceiu'd, I haue no bended knees, No supple tongue, nor speeches steep'd in Oyle, No Candied flattery, nor honied words, I come an armed Prologue arm'd with arts, Who by my sacred charmes and mystique skill, By virtue of this all-commanding Wand Stolne from the sleepy Mercury, will raise From black Abysse and sutty Hell, that mirth Which fits this learned round. Thou long-dead Show Breake from thy Marble prison, sleepe no more In myrie darknesse, henceforth I forbid thee To bath in Lethe's muddy waues, ascend As bright as morning from her Tithons bed, And red with kisses that haue stayn'd thy cheeke, Grow fresh againe: What? is my power contemned? Dost thou not heare my call whose power extends To blast the bosome of our mother Earth? To remoue heauens whole frame from off her hinges, As to reuerse all Natures lawes? Ascend Or I will call a band of Furies forth, And all the Torments wit of Hell can frame Shall force thee vp. ((Enter Show whipt by two Furies.)) O spare your too officious whips awhile, Giue some small respite to my panting limbes, Let me haue leaue to speake, and truce to parlie, Whose powerfull voyce hath forc'd me to salute This hated ayre! are not my paines sufficient, But you must torture me with the sad remembrance Of my deserts, the Causes of my exile? Tis thy release I seeke, I come to file Those heauy shackles from thy wearied limbes, And giue thee leaue to walke the Stage againe As free as Virtue: Burne that withered Bayes, And with fresh Laurell crowne thy sacred Temples, Cast of thy maske of darknesse, and appeare As glorious as thy sister Comedie. Purge out those ill-digested dregs of wit That vse their inke to blot a spotlesse fame, Let's haue no one particular man traduc'd, Whom priuate hate hath spurr'd thee to reuile: But like a noble Eagle ceaze on vice, As she flies bold and open! spare the persons: Let vs haue simple mirth and innocent laughter; Sweet smiling lips, and such as hide no fangs, No venemous biting teeth, or forked tongues, Then shall thy freedome be restor'd againe, And full applause be wages of thy paine. Then from the depth of truth I here protest, I doe disclaime all petulant hate and malice, I will not touch such men as I know vicious, Much lesse the good: I will not dare to say That such a one pay'd for his fellowship, And had no learning but in's purse; no Officer Need feare the sting of my detraction, Ile giue all leaue to fill their guts in quiet: I make no dangerous Almanacks, no gulls, No Posts with enuious Newes and biting Packets, You need not feare this Show, you that are bad, It is no Parliament: you that nothing haue Like Schollers, but a Beard and Gowne, for mee May passe for good grand Sophies: all my skill Shall beg but honest laughter and such smiles As might become a Cato: I shall giue No cause to grieue that once more yet I liue. Goe then and you Beadles of hell auaunt, Returne to your eternall plagues. ((Exeunt Furies.)) Here take these purer robes and clad in these, Be thou all glorious and instruct thy mirth With thy sweet temper, whilst my selfe intreat Thy friends that long lamented thy sad fates, To sit and tast and to accept thy Cates. ((Exit Show.)) Sit, see, and heare, and censure he that will, I come to haue my mirth approu'd, not skill, Your laughters all I beg, and where you see No iest worth laughing at, faith laugh at me. *Secundum *gradum *compossibilitatis, & *non *secundum *gradum *incompossibilitatis. What should this Scotus meane by his possibilities and incompossibilities? my Cooper, Rider, Thomas, and Minshew are as farre to seeke as my selfe: not a word of *compossibilitas or *incompossibilitas is there. Well, I know what Ile doe: I haue heard of a great Philosopher: Ile trie what he can doe: They call him Aristippus, Aristippus, Aristippus: sure a Philosophers name. But they say he lies at the Dolphin, and that me thinks is an ill signe: yet they say too, the best Philosophers of the towne neuer lie from thence: they say tis a Tauerne too, for my part I cannot tell, I know no part of the towne but the Schooles and Aristotles Well: but since I am come thus farre I will enquire: for this same *compossibilitas and *incompossibilitas sticks in my stomach. ((Knocks.)) Anon, Anon Sir. What Philosophie is this? ((Knocks.)) Anon, Anon Sir. ((Enters.)) Please you see a Room Sir? what would you haue Sir? Nothing but Aristippus. You shall Sir. ((Exit.)) What is this? the Dolphin? now verily it lookes like a Greene Fish: what's yonder Greek too? now surely it is the Philosophers Motto: *Hippathi, *Happithi; *aut *disce, *aut *discede *incontinenter, a very good disiunction. A pinte of Aristippus to the Barre. ((Enters:)) Here Sir. Ha? what's this? Did you not aske for Aristippus Sir? The great Philosopher lately come hither. Why this is Aristippus. Verily then Aristippus is *duplex, *Nominalis & *Realis; or else the Philosopher liues like Diogenes *in *dolio: the President of Hogs-head Colledge: but I meane one Aristippus 12121212, the great Philosopher. be Schollers in the house, Ile send them to you: Anon, anon Sir I cannot be heere and there too, Anon, anon, Sir. ((Exit.)) This boy would haue put a fallacie vpon mee, in *Interrogatione *Plurium: This boy is a meere Animal; ha, ha, he. He has not a iot of Language in him more then Anon anon, Sir. O Giggleswicke, thou happy place of education! This poore wretch knowes not what a Philosopher meanes. To see the simplenesse of these people; They doe euery thing \%%%%%, and haue not a iot, not an inch of 121 in them: O what had become of me if I had not gone bare-foot to my Praeceptor, with a Satchell at my back. ((Enter two Schollers.)) Slaues are they that heap vp mountaines, Still desiring more and more, Still let's carouse in Bacchus fountaines, Neuer dreaming to be poore. Giue vs then a Cup of liquor, Fill it vp vnto the brim, For then me thinks my wits grow quicker When my braines in liquor swim. Ha braue Aristippus. Pox of Aristotle and Plato, and a company of dry Raskalls: But hey braue Aristippus. Certainly there are Aristippus his Schollers: Sir pray can you resolue me what is *Gradus *compossibilitatis? What ayles thou, thou musing man, Tiddle diddle dooe. Quench thy sorrowes in a Can. Tiddle diddle dooe. *Compossibilitas? why that's nothing man, when you nere drink beyond your *poculum *necessitatis you are *in *gradu *incompossibili to all good fellowship: Come hang Scotus weele lead you to Aristippus, one Epitome of his *in *quarto is worth a volume of these Dunces. O Gentlemen, you will binde mee to thanke you in *Poculo *Gratiarum: But what Philosophie doth he reade, and what houres doth he keepe? None at all precisely, but indistinctly all: Night and day he powres forth his instructions, and fils you out of Hee'le make the eyes of your vnderstanding see double, and teach you to speake fluently, and vtter your minde in abundance. Hath he many Schollers Sir? More then all the Philosophers in the Towne besides. He neuer rests but is still cald for. Aristippus sayes one, Aristippus sayes another: He is generally ask'd for, yea and by Doctors sometimes. And as merry a man, There can be no Feast , but he is sent for, and all the companie are the merrier for him. Did you but once heare him, you would so loue his companie, you would neuer after indure to stand alone. O pray helpe me to the sight of him. We will braue boy: and when you haue seene him, youle thinke yourselfe in another world, and scorne to be your owne man any longer. But I pray you at what price reads he? Why truely his price hath bin raised of late, and his very name makes him the deerer. A diligent Lecturer deserues eight pence a Pinte tuition: Nay, if you will learne any thing, Schollerships must be paid for. Academicall Simonie is lawfull: Nay did you euer heare of a good Preacher in a fat Benefice, vnlesse his purse were the leaner for it? Make much of him, for wee shall haue no more such in hast. ((Enter Wilde-man.)) But who is this? The Vniuersitie Ramist, a Mault Heretique; *alias the Wilde man that is growne mad to see the daily resort to Aristippus: but let vs leaue him to his frenzies. But come you Lads that loue Canarie, Let vs haue a mad fegarie: Hether, hether, hether, hether, All good Fellowes flocke together. ((Exeunt.)) Braines, wits, senses, all flye hence: let fooles liue limed an age to be in a mans right wits, when the lawfull vse of the throat is so much neglected, and strong drinke lies sicke on his death bed: 'Tis aboue the patience of a Malt-horse, to see the contempt of Barley, and not run mad vpon't. This is Aristippus, Aristippus, now a Deuill or two take his red-nos'd Philosophie: 'Tis he, my beere, that has vowed thee to the Vinegar-bottle; but I'le be reuenged: when next I meet him, I'le twist and twich his bush-beard from his Tauerne face: Tis not his *hypathie *happithi can carry him out. Let him looke to be soundlier dash'd by mee, then euer hee was by Drawer for his impudence. I'le teach my Spanish Don a French tricke, I'le either plague him with a Poxe, or haue some Claret whore burne him for an heretique, and make him challenge acquaintance of Muld-Sacke: If he was not either sent hither from the Britch Politique, or bee not imployed by Spinola, to seduce the Kings lawfull Subiects from their allegiance to strong beere, let me hold vp my hand at the barre, and be hanged at my Signe-post, if he had not a hand in the Powder-treason! Well, I say nothing, but hee has blowne vp good store of men in his dayes, house and land and all. If they take no order with him here in the Vniuersity, the poore Country were as good haue the man in the Moone for their Pastor, as a Schollar. They are all so infected with Aristippus his Arminianisme, they can preach no Doctrine but Sacke and red Noses. As for the Wilde-man, they haue made him horne-mad already. ((Enter a Fellow crying Wine pots.)) Heighday, there goes the Hunts-vp: this is the Mandrakes voyce that vndoes me: you may heare him in faith. This is the Deuill of his that goes vp and downe like a roaring Sheepes-head to gather his Pewter Librarie. Ile fit him I faith, ((Beats him.)) Now you Calues-skin impudence, Ile thresh your Iacket. ((Beats him out.)) ((Enter Aristippus and his two Schollers.)) What a coyle's here? what fellowe's that? hee lookes like a mad hogges-head of March-beere that had run out, and threatned a deluge: what is hee? O tis the Wilde-man sir: a zealous brother that stands vp against the persecution of Barly-broth, and will maintaine it a degree aboue the reputation of *Aqua *vitae. I haue heard him sweare by his *hora *octaue, that Sacke and *Rosa *Solis is but Water-grewell to it. O art thou there, Saint Dunstan, thou hast vndone me, thou cursed Fryer Bacon, thou hellish Merlin: but Ile be reuenged vpon thee. Tis not your Mephostopholis, nor any other spirits of Rubie or Carbuncle, that you can raise, nor your good father in law Doctor Faustus, that coniures so many of vs in to your Wives Circle, that with all their Magique, he shall secure you from my rage, you haue set a Spell for any mans comming into my house now. Why none of my credit hath choked vp your dores. But thou hast bewitched my threshold, disturbed my house, and Ile haue thee hang'd in Gibbets for murthering my Beere, Ile haue thee tryed by a Iurie of Tapsters, and hang'd in Anon anon Sir, thou dismall and disastrous Coniurer. Why dost thou call mee Coniurer: I send no Fairies to pinch you, or Elues to molest you: has Robin Good fellow troubled you so much of late? I scarce beleeue it, for I am sure since Sacke and I came to towne, your house hath not beene so much haunted. I'le put out thine eyes, Don Canario, I'le scratch thee to atomes, thou Spanish Gusman. If he and his Beere will not be quiet, draw um both out: Yet I'le be reueng'd you Rascall, I doe not feare the Spanish Inquisition, I'le runne to the Councell, and betray thy villany; I'le carry thee bound for a Traitor: but conquered Lisbon, and Ciuill. You notorious villaine, I knew thee for a Rogue at first, thy Ruffe look't so like the Moone Crescent in 88. thy very breath is inuincible, and stinkes of an Armado. Kicke him out of the presence, his company will metamorphis vs to balderdash. Well Diogenes, you were best keepe close in your tubbe, I'le be reueng'd on you; I'le complaine on you for keeping ill houres, I suffer none after eight, by Saint Iohns, not I. Well, *Domine, though the *hora *octaua be not come, yet you may be gone. ((Kicks him.)) ((Exit.)) Come Pupill, haue you any minde to study my Philosophy? Yes *Mehercule Sir, for I haue alwaies accounted Philosophie to be *omnibus *rebus *ordine, *natura, *Tempore, *honore *prius; and these Schoolemen haue so pusled me, & my Dictionaries, that I despaire of vnderstanding them either *in *summo *gradu, or *remisso. I lay sicke of an *Haecceitas, a fortnight, and could not sleepe a winke for't; therefore good Sir teach me as \%%%%%%%%, as you can, and pray let it be *Conceptis *verbis, and *ex *mente *Philosophi. I warrant thee a good proficient, but ere you can be admitted to my Lectures you must be matriculated, and haue your name recorded in *Albo *Academiae. With all my heart Sir, and *totaliter, for .i haue as great a minde as *materia *prima to be informed with your instructions. Giue him the oath. Lay your hand on the booke. ((*the Glass.)) Will *tactus *virtualis serue the turne Sir? No it must be *reale *quid, & *extra *intellectum. Well Sir, I will doe it *quoad *potentiam *obedientialem. First, you must sweare to defend the honour of Aristippus, to the disgrace of Brewers, Alewives, and Maltmen, Tapsters, and red Lettices. Kisse the booke: ((He drinkes.)) Next you shall sweare to obserue the customes and ordinances instituted and ordained by an Act of Parliament in the raigne of King Sigebert for the establishing of good gouernement in the antient foundation of Miter Colledge. Kisse the booke. ((Drinkes againe.)) I Sir, *Secundum *veritatem *intrinsecam, & *non *aequinoce. That you keepe all acts and meetings, *tam *priuatim, in priuate houses, *quam *publice, in the Dolphin Schooles: that you dispute *in *tenebris, yet be not asleepe at reckonings: but alwaies and euery where shew your selfe so diligent in drinking, that the Proctor may haue no iust cause to suspend you for negligence. Kisse the booke. Lastly, that you neuer walke into the Towne, without your habit of drinking, the Fudling Cap, and Casting Hood; especially when there is a Conuocation, and of all things take heed of running to the Assizes. Is this the end I pray you Sir, is this the *Finis? \%%%%%%%%. It is *vltimum Sir. How pray you Sir, *intentione, or *executione? *Executione, that followes the Assizes. But me thinkes there is one *Scrupulum, it seemes to be *actus *illicitus, that we should drinke so much, it being lately forbidden, and therefore *Contra *formam *statuti. I but therefore you are sworne to keep customes, *Non *omino *secundum *formam *statuti. What haue you inrolled him in *Albo, haue you fully admitted him into the societie to be a member of the body Academicke? Yes Sir, I am one of your Pupils now, *vnitate *numerica, we haue made an end of it, *secundum *vltimum *Complementum, & *actualitatem. Most graue audience, considering how you thirst after my Philosophie, I am induced to let you tast the benefit of my knowledge, which cannot but please a iudicious pallat: for the rest I expell them my Schooles, as fitter to heare Thales, and drinke Water. We will attend Sir, and that *bibulis *auribus. The many errors that haue crept into the science, to distract the curious Reader, are sprung from no other causes, then small Beere, and sober sleepes; whereas were the laudable custome of Sack drinking better studied, we should haue fewer Gownes, and more Schollers. A good note, for we cannot see wood for trees, nor Schollers for Gownes. Now the whole Vniuersitie is full of your honest Fellowes, that breaking loose from a Yorkeshire Belfrey, haue walked to Cambridge with Satchels on their shoulders: these you shall haue them studie hard for fowre or fiue yeares, to returne home more fooles then they came; the reason whereof, is drinking Colledge taplash, that will let them haue no more learning, then they size; nor a drop of wit more then the Buttler sets on their heads. T'were charity in him to sconce 'vm soundly, they would haue but a poore *Quantum else. Others there be that spend their whole liues in Athens, to die as wise as they were borne; who as they brought no wit into the world, so in honesty they will carry none out on't. 'Tis Beere that drownes the soules in their bodies, Husons Cakes, and Paix his Ale hath frothed their braines: hence is the whole tribe contemned, euery Prentice can ieere at their braue Cassackes, and laugh the Veluet Caps out of Countenance. And would it not anger a man of Art to be the scorne of a what lacke you Sir? 'Tis Beere that makes you so ridiculous in all your of Peace his Table, and the not eating methodically, when being laughed at, you shew your teeth, blush, and excuse it with a Rhetoricall *Husteron *Proteron. 'Tis very true, I haue done the like my selfe, till I haue had a disgrace for my Mittimus. 'Tis Beere that hath putrified our Horsemansship, for that you cannot ride to Ware, or to Barkway, but your Hackneyes sides must witnesse your iourneyes. A Lawyers Clarke, or an Innes a Court Gentleman that hath beene fed with false Lattin, and Pudding Pye, contemne you as if you had not learning enough to confute a *Nouerint *vniuersi. *Per *presentes *me *Simplicium. If you discourse but a little while with a Courtier, you presently betray your learned Ignorance, answering him he concludes not Syllogistically, and asking him in what Moode and figure he speakes in, as if Learning were not as much out of fashion at Court, as Cloathes at Cambridge. Nor can you entertaine discourse with a Lady, without endangering the halfe of your Buttons; all these, and a thousand such errors, are the friends of Beere, that nurse of Barbarisme, and foe to Philosophie. Oh I am rauished with this admirall Metaphysicall Lecture, if euer I drinke Beere againe, let me turne ciuill Lawyer, or be poudered vp in one of Luthers barrels, pray lend me the booke againe, that I may forsweare it. Fie vpon it, I could loue Sir Giles for presenting those notorious Alewiues. Oh Aristippus, Aristippus thou art equally diuine \%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%, the only father of Quodlibets, the Prince of Formalities, I aske my Starres whose influence doth gouerne this *orbem *sublunarem that I may liue with thee, and die like the Royall Duke of Clarence, who was sowsed vp to immortality in a But of Malmesey. You interrupt him Sir too much in his Lecture, and prevent your eares of their happinesse. Oh heauens I could heare him *ad *aeternitatem, and that *tam *a *parte *ante, *quam *a *parte *post, O proceed, proceed, thy instructions are meere Orthodoxall, thy Philosophie canonicall, I will study thy *scientiam both *speculativam & *practicam. Pray let me once more forsweare the pollution of Beere, for it is an abominable heretique, Ile be his perfect enemy till I make him and bottle Ale fly the Country. But Sack is the life, soule, and spirits of a man, the fire which Prometheus stole, not from Ioues Kitcin, but his Wine Cellour, to increase the natiue heat and radicall moysture, without which we are but drousie dust, or dead clay: this is Nectar, the very Nepenthe the Gods were drunk with, 'tis this that gaue Ganymede beauty, Hebe youth, to Ioue his heauen, and eternity; doe you thinke Aristotle dranke Perry, or Plato Cyder? doe you thinke Alexander had euer conquered the world if he had bin sober? he knew the force & vallour of Sack, that it was the best armour, the best encouragement, and that none could be a good Commander, that was not double drunke, with Wine and Ambition. Onely here's the difference, Ambition makes them rise, and Wine makes them fall. Therefore the Garrisons are all drinking Schooles, the Souldiers trained vp to the mustering of pewter pots daily, learning to contemne death by accustoming to bee dead drunk: scarres doe not so well become a Captaine as Carbunckles. A red nose is the grace of a Serieant Maior, and they vnworthy the place of Ancients that haue not good colours, the best shot to be discharg'd is the Tauerne bill, the best Alarum is the sounding of healthes, and the most absolute March is reeling. And the best Artillery yard is the Dolphin: Thus you may easily perceiue the profit of Sack in taken the name of Sack from sacking of Cities. Oh wonderfull, wonderfull Philosophie, if I bee a coward any longer, let me sweare a little to drink Sack, for I will be as valiant as any of the Knights Errant: I perceiue it was onely *culpa *ignorantiae, not *prava *dispositionis that made me a coward, but O Enthusiastique, rare, Angelicall Philosophie, I will be a Souldier, a Scholler, and euery thing, I will hereafter *nec *peccare *in *materia, *nec *in *forma, Beere, raskally Beere was the first parent of Sophisters, and the fallacies: But proceed my Pythagoras, my *ipse *dixit of Philosophy. Next it is the only Elixar of Philosophie, the very Philosophers stone, able if studied by a yong Heire *mutare *rerum *species, to change his House, Lands, Liuings, Tenements, and Liueries into *aurum *potabile: So that though his Lordships be the fewer for't, his manners shall be the more; whose Lands being dissolued into Sack must needs make his soule more capable of diuine meditation, he being almost in the state of separation, by being purg'd, and freed from so much earth. Therefore why should a man trouble himselfe with so much earth, he is the best Philosopher that can *ominae *sua *secum *portare. And since it is the nature of light things to ascend, what better way, or more agreeing to nature can bee inuented, whereby we might ascend to the height of knowledge, then a light head, a light head being as it were allied with heauen, first found out, that the motion of the orbs was circular like to its owne, which motions, *teste *Aristotele, first found that intelligence, so that I conclude all intelligence, intellect, and vnderstanding to be the inuention of Sack, and a light head; what mists of error had clouded Philosophie, till the neuer sufficiently praised Copernicus done, had hee not beene instructed by Sack, and a light head. Hang me then when I turne graue. This is the Philosophie the great Stagirite read to his Pupill Alexander, wherein how great a proficient he was, I call the faith of History to witnesse. Tis true *per *fidem *Historicam, for I haue read how when he had vanquished the whole world in drinke, that he wept there was no more to conquer. Now to make our demonstration to proue, no wine, no Philosophie, is that admirable Axiome, *in *vino *veritas, and you know that Sack and truth are the only Buts which Philosophie aymes at. And the Hogshead is that *puteus *Democriti from whence they might both be drawne. Sack, Clarret, Malmsey, White-wine and Hipocras are your fiue Predicables, and Tobacco your *individuum, your Money is your substance, full cups your quantity, good Wine your quallity, your Relation is in good company, your action is beating, which produceth another predicament in the Drawers, called passion, your *quando is midnight, your *ubi the Dolphin, your *situs leaning, your *habitus carousing, afterclaps are your *post predicaments, your *priorums breaking of iests, your *posteriorums of glasses, false bils are your fallacies, the shot is *subtilis *obiectio, and the discharging of it is *vera *solutio, seuerall humors are your moodes, and figures, where *quarta *figura, or gallons must not be neglected, your drinking is in Syllogismes, where a pottle is the *maior *terminus, and a pinte the *minor, a quart the *medium, beginning of healths are the premisses, and pledging the conclusion, for it must not be diuided, Topicks or common places are the Tauernes, and Hamon, Wolfe, and Farlowes are the three best Tutors in the Vniuersities. into some of their bookes, let *forma *misti bee beaten out of me. To perswade the Vintner to trust you is good Rhetorick, and the best figure is Synechdoche to pay part for the whole, to drinke aboue measure is a Science beyond Geometry, falling backward is star-gazing, & no Iacobs Staffe comparable to a Tobacco pipe, the sweet harmony of good- fellowship with now and then a discord, is your excellent musick, Sack itselfe is your Grammar, sobriety a meere solecisme, and Latine be it true or be it false, a very cudgell to your *Priscianus pates, the reckoning is Arithmetique enough, a receipt of full cups are the best Physick to procure vomit, and forgetting of debts an art of memory, and here you haue an *Encuclopoedia of Sciences, whose method being circular, can neuer bee so well learned, as when your head runnes round. If mine haue any other motion, it shall be *praeter *naturam, I, and *contra too, if I liue: I like that art of musick wondrous well, life is not life without it; for what is life but an harmonious lesson playd by the soule vppon the Organs of the body. O witty sentence! I am mad already, I see the immortality, ha braue Aristippus: but in Poetry 'tis the sole predominant quality, the sap and iuyce of a verse, yea the spring of the Muses is the fountaine of Sack, for to thinke Helicon a barrell of Beere, is as great a sin as to call Pegasus a Brewers Horse. I know some of these halfe penny Almanack makers doe not approue of this Philosophie, but giue you most abominable counsell in their Beggars Rhymes, which you are bound to beleeue as faithfully, as their predictions of foule and faire weather, you shall heare some of Errapaters Poetry. I wish you all carefully, Drink Sack but sparingly, Spend your coyne thriftily, Keepe your health warily, Take heed of ebriety, Wine is an enemy, Fly baths and Venery. For your often potations much crudities cause, by hindring the course of mother Natures lawes, therefore he that desireth to liue till October, ought be drunk in Iuly, but I hold it to be a great deale better that he went to bed sober, And let him alone thou man in the Moone, yet had'st thou but read a leafe in this admired Author, this *aureum *flumen, this *torrens *eloquentiae, thou would'st haue scorn'd to haue bin of the water Poets Tribe, or Skeltons family, but thou hast neuer tasted better Nectar then out of Fennors Wassaile Bowle, which hath so transformed him, that his eyes looke like two Tunnels, his nose like a Fausset with the Spicket out, and therefore continually dropping: the Almanack makers, and Physitians are alike grand enemies of Sack, as for Physitians being fooles, I cannot blame them if they neglect Wine, and minister simples, but if I meet with you Ile teach you another receipt. Why meet him Tutor; you may easily meet him. I know him Sir, & *cognitione *distincta & *confusa I warrant you, doe you not smell him Tutor? I know who made this Almanack against drinking Sack. ha Stroffe? haue I found you Stroffe? you will shew your selfe, I see, when all is done to bee but a Brewers Clarke. But farre better speaks the diuine Ennius against your Ale, and Barly broath, who knew too full well the vertue of Sack when *Nunquam *nisi *potus *ad *arma *prosiluit *dicenda; his verses are in Latine, but because the audience are Schollers, I haue translated them into English, that they may be vnderstood. Here read them. There is a drinke made of the Stygian Lake, Or else of the waters the Furies doe make, No name there is bad enough by which it to call, But yet as I wist it is ycleped Ale; Men drinke it thick, and pisse it out thin, But I of complection am wondrous sanguine, And will loue by th' Morrow a cup of wine, To liue in delight was euer my wonne, For I was Epicurus his owne sonne, That held opinion that plaine delight Was very felicity perfite: A Bowle of wine is wondrous boone cheere To make one blith, buxome, and deboneere, 'Twill giue me such valour and so much courage As cannot be found 'twixt Hull and Carthage. But aboue the wit of humanity, the diuine Virgill hath extol'd the Encomium of Sack in these verses. Fill me a Bowle of Sack with Roses crown'd, Fill't to the brim, Ile haue my temples bound With flowrry Chaplets, and this day permit My Genius to be free, and frolique it; Let me drinke deepe, then fully warm'd with wine, Ile chaunt Aeneas praise, that euery line Shall proue immortall, till my moistned quill Melt into verse; and Nectar-like distill; I'me sad, or dull, till bowles brim fil'd infuse New life in me, new spirit in my Muse, But once reuiu'd With Sack, pleasing desires In my chill blood kindle such actiue fires, That my gray hayres seeme fled my wrinckl'd face, Growne smooth as Hebes, youth, and beauties grace, To my shrunk veines, fresh blood and spirits bring, Warme as the Summer sprightfull as the spring, Then all the world is mine: Cresus is poore Compar'd with me, he is rich that askes no more, And I in Sack haue all, which is to me My home, my life, health, wealth, and liberty, Then haue I conquer'd all, I boldly dare My Trophies with the Pelean Youth compare, Him I will equall, as his sword, my pen My conquer'd world of cares, his world of men, Doe not, Atrides, Nestors ten desire But ten such drinkers as that aged sire, His streame of honied words flowed from the Wine, And Sacke his Councell was, as he was thine. Who euer purchast a rich Indian mine, Then fill my bowle, that if I dye to morrow, Killing cares to day, I haue out-liu'd my sorrow. Thus resting in the opinion of that admirable Poet, I make this draught of Sacke, this Lectures period. *Dixi. *Dixi dost thou say, I, and I'le warrant thee the best *Dixi in Cambridge, who would sit poring on the learned Barbarisme of the Schoolemen, that by one of thy Lectures might confute them all *pro & *con. I begin to hate distinction, & *actualiter, & *habitualiter, yet a poxe to see, I cannot leaue them *nec *principaliter, *nec *formaliter; yet I begin to loue the Foxe better then subtilnesse. Oh Tutor, Tutor, well might Foxe be a Colledge Porter, that he might open the Gates to none but thy Pupils: come fellow Pupils, if did not loue you, I were an \%%%%%%%%%%, \%%%%%%, and an absurditie in the abstract; Let's practice, let's practice, for I'le follow the steppes of my Tutor night and day: by this Sacke, I shall loue this Philosophie: before I heard this Lecture, Bankes his Horse was an Aristotle, in comparison of me: I can laugh to thinke what a foolish Simplicius I was this morning, and how learnedly I shall sleepe to night. Sleepe to night! why? that's no point of our Philosophie; we must sit vp late, and roare till we rattle the Welkin: Sleepe, what haue we to doe with deaths Cater-cousin? doe you thinke Nature gaue starres to sleepe by? haue you not day enough to sleepe in, but you must sleepe in the night too? 'tis an arrant Paradox: a Paradox? let me be crampt if I sleep then, but what must we sleepe in the day then? And why in the morning? Why, a poxe of the morning, what haue wee to doe with the sober time of the day? 'Tis true I see, wee may learne something of our fellow Pupils, and what must wee doe now fellow pupils? Why? conferre our notes. What is that? Why, conferring of notes, is drinking off cups; halfe pots are saying of parts, and the singing of Catches is our repetition. Fellow Pupill, I'le conferre a note with you. Gramercy braue lad, and it's a good one, an excellent Criticisme; I would not haue lost it for Eustathius and his Bishopricke, it's a generall rule, and true without exception. Fellow Pupill, I'le conferre a note with you too. Faith, let me haue it, let's share, and share like boone Rascals. I'le say my part to you both. By my troath, and you haue a good memory, you haue con'd it quickly Sir. But what shall we haue for repetitions now? I, what for repetitions? Why the Catch against the Schoolemen in praise of our Tutor Aristippus: can you sing Simplicius? How begins it pray you? Aristippus is better O God Sir, when I was in the state of ignorance, I cond it without booke, thinking it had beene a Position. Aristippus is better in euery letter, Then Faber the Parisiensis, Then Scotus, Soncinas, then Thomas Aquinas, Or Gregorie Gandauensis: Then Cardan and Ramus, then old Paludanus, Albertus, and Gabriella, Then Pico Mercatus, or Scaliger Natus, Then Niphus or Zabarella. Hortado, Trombetus, were fooles with Toletus, Zanardus, and Will de Hales, With Occham, Iauellus, and mad Algazellus, Philoponus and Natalis. The Conciliator, was but a meere prater, And so was Apollinaris: Iandunus, Plotinus, the Dunce Eugubinus, With Masius, Sauill, and Swarez, Fonseca, Durandus, Becanus, Holandus, Pererius, Auienture: Old Trismigistus, whose volumes haue mist vs, Ammonius, Bonauenture, And Guido the Carmelita: The nominall Schooles, and the Colledge of fooles, No longer is my delighta: Hang Brirewood and Carter, in Crakenthorpes garter, Let Keckerman too bemoane vs, I'le be no more beaten, for greasie Iacke Seaton, Or conning of Sandersonus: The censure of Cato's, shall neuer amate vs, Their frostie beards cannot nip vs: Your Ale is too muddy, good Sacke is our studie, Our Tutor is Aristippus. ((Enter the Wild-man with two Brewers.)) There they be, now for the valour of Brewers, knocke um soundly, the old Rogue, that's hee, doe you not see him there? soundly, soundly, let him know what Champions good Beere has. ((They beat out Aristippus and the Schollers.)) Now let them know that Beere is too strong for them, and let me be hang'd if euer I be milder to such Rascals, they shall finde these but stale curtesies. How now? what's here? the learned Library, the Philosophicall volumes: these are the bookes of the blacke Art; I hate them worse then Bellarmine the golden Legend, or the Turkish Alcharon. I wonder what vertue is in this peuterfaced Authour, that it should make euery one fall in loue with it so deepely? I'le trie if I can finde any *Philtrum, any loue-Potion in't: by my *Domine not a drop; *O *stultum *ingenium *hominum, to delight in such vanities. Sure these are Comments vpon Tobacco, dry and iuycelesse vanities. I'le try againe by my *bona *fide, but this doth relish some learning, still better, an admirable witty rogue, a very flash. I'le turne another leafe, still better, has he any more Authors like this? what's here? Aristippus, a most incomparable Authour, O Bodly, Bodly, thou hast not such a booke in all thy Librarie, here's one lyne worth the whole Vatican: O Aristippus would my braines had beene broken out accursed am I to wrong so learned a Philosopher as Aristippus? what penance is enough to cleere me from this impardonable offence: twenty purgations are too little; I'le sucke vp all my Beere in Toasts, to appease him, and afterwards liue by my Wife and Hackneyes. Oh that I had neuer vndertooke this selling of Beere, I might haue kept my house with Fellowes Commons, and neuer haue come to this: But now I am a Wild-man, and my house a Bedlam: O Aristippus, Aristippus, Aristippus. ((Enter Medico de Campo.)) How now neighbour Wild-man? O Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I doe for thee Aristippus? What extasie is this? O Aristippus, Aristippus, what shall I doe for thee Aristippus? Why neighbour Wilde-man, disclose your griefes to me, I am a Surgeon, and perchance may cure vm. O cry you mercy, you are the welcommest man on earth, Sir Signior Medico de Campo, the welcommest man liuing, the onely man I could haue wished for, O Aristippus, Aristippus. Why what's the matter neighbour? O I heare he has seduced away your Parishioners, is this the cause of your Lamentation? O no Sir, a learned Philosopher, one that I loue with my soule: but in my rage I cannot tell you Sir, 'tis a dismall tale, the sharpest Razor in your shop would turne edge at it. Neuer feare it, I haue one sent from a --- faith I cannot thinke on's name, a great Emperour, hee that I did the great cure on, you haue heard on't I am sure: I fetched his head from China, after it had beene there a fortnight buried, and set it on his shoulders againe, and made him as liuely, as euer I saw him in my life; and yet to see I should not thinke on's name. O I haue it now, Prester Iohn, a poxe on't, Prester Iohn, 'twas hee hee, I faith, not beene a foole; and haue liu'd like a Prince all the daies of my life; nay, and perchance haue inherited the Crowne after his death; but a poxe on't, her lips were too thicke for me, and that I should not thinke on Prester Iohn. O Aristippus, Aristippus, poxe on your Prester Iohn Sir, will you thinke on Aristippus? What should I doe with him? Why? in my rage Sir, I haue almost killed him, and now would haue you cure him in sober sadnesse. Why call him out Sir. ((Enter Simplicius.)) Sir, yonder comes one of his Pupils. Salue Mr. Simplicius. Salue me, 'tis but a Surgeons complement Signior Medico de Campo; but you are welcome Sir, my Tutor wants helpe: Are you there you Vsquebaugh Rascall, with your Metheglin iuyce, I'le teach you Sir to breake a Philosophers pate; I'le make you leaue your distinctions as well as I haue done. O pardon, pardon me, I repent Sir heartily, O Aristippus, Aristippus, I haue broken thy head Aristippus, but I'le giue thee a plaister Aristippus, Aristippus. I pray Sir bring him out in his Chaire, and if the house can furnish you with Barbers prouision, let all be in readinesse. ((Exit Simplicius.)) Pray Sir doe you thinke you can cure him? Him? why neighbour doe you not remember the Thumbe? What of the Thumbe? I haue not heard of it as yet Sir. Why the Thumbe, the Thumbe, doe you not know the cure of the Thumbe? No Sir, but I pray tell the cure of the Thumbe, doe you still remember't Sir? Remember't, I, and perfectly, I haue it at my fingers end, and thus it is. Two Gentlemen were fighting, one lost his Thumbe, I bechance comming by, tooke it vp, put it in I set on his Thumbe againe; and if he were now in Cambridge, I could haue his hand to shew for't: why did you ne're heare of the Thumbe Sir? 't is strange you neuer heard mee speake of the Thumbe Sir. ((Enter three Schollers bringing forth Aristippus in his Chayre.)) Signior de Medico Campo, if you haue any art or skill, shew it now, you neuer had a more deseruing Patient. Yet I haue had many, and royall ones too; I haue done Cures beyond Seas, that will not be beleued in England. Very likely so, and Cures in England that will not be beleeued beyond seas, nor here neither, for in this kinde, halfe the world are infidels. The great Turke can witnesse, I am sure the eyes that he weares, are of my making. Hee was then an eye-witnesse: but I hope hee weares spectacles Signior. Why, won't you beleeue it, why I tell you I am able to say't, I saw't, I saw't my selfe, I cur'd the King of Poland of a Wart on's nose, and Bethlem Gaber of a Ringworme. The one with raw Beefe, and the other with Inkehornes. Poxe of your old Wiues medicines; the worst of mine Ingredients is an Vnicornes Horne, and a Bezars stone: Rawe Beefe, and Inkehornes! Why, I cur'd Sherley in the Grand Sophies Court in Persia when he had beene twice shot through with Ordinance, and had two bullets in each thigh, and so quickly, that he was able at night to lye with his Wife the Sophies neece, and beget a whole Church of Christians; and could this haue beene done with raw Beefe and Inkehornes? No sure, this could not haue beene done without Egges and Greene-sauce, or an Oatmeale Poultice at least. The King of Russia had died of the wormes, but for a powder I sent him. Some of that you meane, that stucke on the bullet which you tooke out of Sherleyes legges. In the siege of Ostend, I gaue the Dutchesse of Austria a receipt to keepe her Smocke from being animated, when she had not shifted it of a twelue moneth. Beleeue me, and that was a Cure beyond Scoggins Fleas. I am able by the vertue of one Salue, to heale all the wounds and breaches in Bohemia. I, and close vp the Bung-hole in the great Tub at Heidlebergh I warrant you. I cur'd the State of Venice of a Dropsie, the Low- Countries of a Lethargie, and if it had not beene treason, I had cur'd the Fistula, that it should haue dropt no more then your nose. By one Dramme on a knifes point, I restored Mansfield to his full strength and forces, when he had no men left, but was onely skin and bones. I made an Arme for Brunswicke, with so great art and skill, as nature her selfe could not haue mended it; which had it not come too late, and after his death, would haue done him as much seruice as that which was shot off. I easily beleeue that I faith. I could make a Purgation, that should so scoure the Seas, that neuer a Dunkerke durst shew his head. By my faith, and that would bee a good State Glister. I haue done as great wonders as these, when I extracted as much chastity from a Sanctimony in the English Nunnery, as cur'd the Pope of his lechery: And yet had as much left, as seru'd fiue Cardinals on Fasting-dayes. And there was no man in the Realme of France, either French or Spanish, or Italian Doctors, but my selfe, that durst vndertake the King of France his Cornes, and afterwards hauing cur'd him, I dranke a health to him. Would we had the pledging on't. O happy man that hast conferred a note with the King of France. of my Art with ifs and ands? Doe you take mee for a Mountebank, and hath mine owne tongue beene so silent in my praise, that you haue not heard of my skill? No, pardon vs Signior, onely the danger our Tutor is in makes vs so suspitious; we know your skill Sir, wee haue heard Spaine and your owne tongue speake loud on't, we know besides, that you are a Trauailer, and therefore giue you leaue to relate your words with authority. Danger? what danger can there be, when I am his Surgeon? His head Sir is so wondrously bruised, 'tis almost past cure. Why what if he had neuer an head? am not I able to make him one? or if it were beaten to atomes, I could set it together, as perfectly as in the wombe. Beleeue me neighbour, but that would bee as great a wonder, as the Thumbe, or Prester Iohns head. Why? Ile tell you Sir what I did, a farre greater wonder then any of these, I was a Trauailer, There is no such great wonder in that, but what many be beleeued. And another friend of mine trauailed with me, and to be short, I came into the Country of Cannibals, where missing my friend, I ran to seeke him, and came at last into a Land where I saw a company feeding on him, they had eaten halfe of him, I was very pensiue at his misfortune, or rather mine, at last I bethought me of a powder that I had about me, I put it into their wine, they had no sooner drank of it, but they presently disgorg'd their stomacks, and fell asleepe; I Sir, gathered vp the miserable morsels of my friend, placed them together, and restored him to be a perfect man againe; and if he were here still aliue, he were able to witnesse it himselfe, and doe you thinke I cannot cure a ten-groats dammage, or a crackt Crowne? Good Signior make no such delaye, cure him, and Here hold the Bason, you the Napkins, and you Mr. Simplicius the Boxes, how shall we doe to lay his feet vpon? By my troth Sir he is wonderfully hurt, his *pia *mater I perceiue is cleane out of ioynt; of the 20. bones of the *Cranium there is but three only whole, the rest are miserably crushed and broken, and two of his Sutures are cleane perished, onely the Sagitall remaines free from violence, the foure Tunicats of his eyes are thred bare, the Meninx of his eare if like a cut Drum, and the hammers lost: there is not a Cartilago in his head worth three pence, the top of his nose is dropt away, there is not a Muskle left in the Cauities of his Nostrils, his *dentes *molares are past grinding, his Pallet is lost, and with it his *gurgulio, yet if he can swallow, I warrant his drinking safe: helpe open his mouth, so, so, his throat is sound: he's well I warrant you, now giue him a cup of Sack, so let me chafe his Temples, put this powder into another glasse of Sack, and my life for his, he is as sound as the best of vs all: let downe his legs. How doe you Sir? Why as yong as the Morning, t'all life, and soule not a dram of body; I am newly come back from Hell, and haue seene so many of my acquaintance there, that I wonder whose Art hath restored me to life againe. The Catholique Bishop of Barbers, the very Metropolitan of Surgeons, Signior de Medico Campo. One that hath ingross'd all Arts to himselfe, as if he had the Monopoly. The onely Hospitall of soares. And Spittle-house of infirmities, Signior de Medico Campo. One that is able to vndoe the Company of Barbersurgeons, and Colledge of Physitians, by making all diseases fly the Country. Yea he is able to giue his skill to whom he please, as yet to intaile it to his heires males for euer. Sir, death it selfe dares not anger him, for feare he should begger the Sextons by suffering no graue to bee made, he can chuse whether any shall dye or no. And he do's't with such celerity, that a hundred peeces of Ordinance in a pitch'd field could not in a whole day make worke enough to imploy him an houre; you owe him your life Sir: Ile assure you. Sir I doe owe you my life, and all that is mine, thinke of any thing that lyeth in the compasse of my Philosophy, and 'tis your owne. I haue gold enough Sir, and Philosophie enough, for my house is paued with Philosophers stones, mine only desire is, that you forgiue the reage of this wildman, who is heartily sorry for his offence to you. O reuerend Philosopher, and Alchimy of vnderstanding, thou very Sack of Sciences, thou noble Spaniard, thou Catholique Monarch of Wines, Archduke of Canary, Emperour of the sacred Sherry, pardon me, pardon my rudenesse, and I will forsweare that Dutch heresie of English Beere, and the witchcraft of Middletons water, Ile turne my selfe into a Gowne, and be a profest disciple of Aristippus. Giue him a Gowne then ere we admit him to our Lecture hereafter. Now noble Signior Medico de Campo, if you will walke in, let's be very iouiall and merry, 'tis my second birth-day, let's in, and drinke a health to the company. ((Exeunt, and sing within.)) We care not for mony, riches, or wealth, Old Sack is our mony, old Sack is our health, Then let's flock hither Like Birds of a feather, To drinke, to fling, To laugh and sing, Conferring our notes together, Conferring our notes together, Come let vs laugh, let vs drinke, let vs sing, The winter with vs is as good as the spring, We care not a feather For wind, or for weather, But night and day Conferring our notes together, Conferring our notes together, Heark, they are drinking your healths, within, and I must haue it too, I am only left here to offer my *supplicat to you, that my grace may passe, and then if I may but commence in your approbation, I will take a degree in drinking, and because I am turn'd a iouiall mad raskall, I haue a great desire to be a Midsummer Batch'lor, I was onely stay'd to aske your leaues to goe out. ((Exit.)) ****